Friendships

I learned something very true about friendships recently. It's actually given me some peace. While sad, it's true...

Friendships are all different. Friends are brought to our lives with different intentions. Each one serves a different purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, they move away from you.

That explains why some friendships are so real for a short time, and then fade away. It also explains why some friends are friends for life, the kind that you may not see every day, but when you do, you can trust them with anything. Some are fun friends to hang out with, but they will not be there for you when the chips fall.

I learned a lot about friendships already since the start of 2009. And you know what? It's actually liberating. You can realize that you can't hold onto everyone or everything. You can't please everyone all the time. You cannot keep what is not meant to be yours. You are only entitled to what you are entitled to and the rest will move on.

Nothing that is meant to be yours in this world will pass you by, and nothing will stop for you if it is not meant to be yours.

This is true for many things, but also for friendships. When you think of things in these terms, you will start to see things differently. Everything has a life span, and everything renews when that span ends.

People will come and go from our lives. New ones will enter, old ones will leave, and some will stay forever strong. But at the end of the day, instead of wasting time stressing, it's just better to thank those around you for the contribution they have made to your life. Thank them, learn from them, and move onto whatever is coming your way next.

Like I said, it has all been really liberating....

Trip To Disney

We just got back last night from our trip to Disney World. I can honestly say that it was a great trip. The children were on the best behavior I have ever experienced in my life, and that made the entire trip a whole lot better for me. I had expected that with my son off his medication, things would be really difficult, but he actually was in really good spirits, and was very calm the whole time. The children had a blast and so did I. I really enjoyed their company, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed just being a mom. I even turned my blackberry off and left it in my room when we went to Disney. It was a gesture that my daughter really appreciated.

We did 2 days at the Magic Kingdom, one day at Epcot and one day at Animal Kingdom. 4 days at Disney back to back was very tiring, but still a lot of fun.

The highlight of the trip (for me), was watching my daughter meet Cinderella. My daughter was dressed as Cinderella herself for two whole days (she refused to wear anything but the dress again on day 2). Yes, she packed a Cinderella dress and a tiara. I protested when she was packing it, as I had visions of being mortified as the only parent with a kid in a gown, but she insisted. She said "Mommy if I don't wear it at Disney, where CAN I wear it?" Excellent point. And so we packed the dress, and tiara.

When we got there, I tried one last time to convince her out of the dress "But you might be the only one wearing it, won't that be silly?" Her reply "Then I guess I will be the only one, and Cinderella will notice me even more". I have to say, I was pretty impressed by her determination and confidence. Maybe I can learn a thing or two from her...

Anyhow, the weather was great, the kids were awesome and it was pretty much a perfect trip. We needed the time away and the kids are elated. I'm glad we got the chance to get away.

Too bad those tiaras and gowns don't come in adult sizes!

Girl Time

A couple of nights ago, the day that my son missed his school bus, we had so much drama. I was downtown at the time and could not get to the school to get him. I called my ex and he said he wasn't in the area either. He suggested that I get my parents to do it. Nice try buddy, but mom and dad are vacationing in Florida. I got frustrated with his lack of involvement and eventually told him that he had 3 brothers who live nearby. Pick one and get them to take responsibility for their nephew. Seriously...why does it always have to be my family? Well to my shock, he agreed to do it, and so my brother in law went to get him from the school.

Anyhow, when I went to get my daughter from daycare, she was upset that her brother not only misses the school bus, but gets rewarded for it by getting to hang out with his cousins while she goes to daycare. I did see her point. So she asked for some girl time. I agreed and we went home, had dinner, played, laughed, watched TV. (I had asked my ex to bring my son home and hour and a half later so my daughter could get her long awaited girl time). It was lovely. But I did learn a few things from the experience:

• My daughter is the easier of the two children from a disposition perspective, for now.
• It is a lot quieter in the house with one child.
• Despite the above, I am really lucky to have both of my children in my life. My son is so loving in his own way. He knows me better than most people. He is very sensitive to my feelings. He is less clingy than my daughter. Every child is indeed different. But after a couple of hours, I really really missed my son as well.
  
• I always told myself that it was harder to be a single parent with two children. This week, I learned that in some ways, it is harder, and in other ways, it isn't. It is hard because you end up refereeing their fights all day long. You have to do double the work- dress two kids in the morning, pack two lunches. But there is a catch. When you have one child, you have to dedicate all your time to them. When you have two, they play with each other and you get some head space.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVED the girl time. But I think I just found the silver lining in being a single parent to two children. It's a good deal. I get a bit of head space at times, and they have a best friend for life. If I had just the one, I would never get space in the day to get stuff done, and they would always be lonely and asking for play dates etc. It has worked out very well for me.

Not a bad deal. I think God had my back on this one. I'm glad I was given the opportunity to see the silver lining in what was brought my way. That's half the journey, isn't it?

First Aid Course

I spent the last 2 days at a first aid course. We needed someone at the office to take it, so I volunteered. I figured if nothing else, I would learn how to bandage up my accident-prone son the next time he gets a cut/bruise/bangs his head. I'm glad I went. The best part of the course- learning how to use a defibrillator.

The interesting thing that I learned is that most of the people who save lives are just innocent bystanders. People who were at a restaurant when someone started chocking, or in the mall when someone had a heart attack...all the more reason to get more people trained on this stuff I guess.

Anyhow, it was 2 days of NOT driving 3hrs a day to get to work. I think that was the best part of all. Being seated at the dinner table with dinner ready at 6:30 is unheard of for me. I normally get in the door at 6:45 so dinner is usually 7:30. It was awesome. I'm telling you, I need to find something closer to home....it's amazing what a difference it makes on your quality of life...

Med Update

Day 1 off Meds:

• My son misses school bus
• He forgets half his homework at school in his desk (hasn't done that in months, since the meds)
  
• Handwriting is illegible
• He is unable to focus on homework in evening
  

Day 2:

• My son's handwriting is even more illegible
• Unfinished schoolwork comes home (two hours worth)
• He is unable to understand basic concepts that he understood a couple of months back.

Day 3:

• Handwriting gets worse
• Takes forever for him to do his homework- he keeps getting up and walking away, very distracted
  

But....his temper seems just a bit calmer. Sigh. Let's see what happens over the full two weeks. I did speak to someone else whose son is on the same meds. He didn't have the same side effects, but he did have different ones. Turns out, he was prescribed the same medication that the doctor suggested for our son...the one that is a mood stabilizer. It's apparently also a muscle relaxant.

Maybe I freaked about nothing. I just know my ex was prescribed the same med. Turns out in tiny micro doses, it treats different things. In large doses, it treats larger things.

So I wait, and we shall see...

Switch the Meds

Well, I'm not sure if I did a good thing or a bad thing. Today we had my son's 4th pediatric an appt for his ADHD. The thing is, since he has been on the meds, his focus is better but his aggression and tantrums seem higher and more intense. I'm not 100% sure but it sure feels that way. To the point where you can recall I even wrote a few posts about the difficulty I have been having raising him, and from time to time the feelings of hopelessness, like it will never get better.

So today I went to the appt 15mins early knowing my ex wouldn't be there yet. I spoke to the receptionist in detail. I told her I was concerned about my son's aggression and advised her that "the dad" is bipolar, but denies it. My real concern is that I can't even bring it up in his presence out of fear that he will go nuts. But I had to share the information with the office, as I felt this was relevant information. I mean, bipolar disorder is known to be genetic. While I most certainly would hope that it doesn't get passed to my son, I also have to make sure I'm not hiding any information, especially from the doctor. The receptionist listened and told me that she isn't surprised, that my ex is quite a character, but that she would advise the doctor of this information.

When we went in, I think the doctor had been informed. He specifically asked me what times of day my son has temper tantrums and I told him mornings. He said that is the least likely time he should have them, usually they happen end of day when the meds are wearing off. Anyhow, he said that 1% of kids have a side effect of aggression on this drug. Plus, my son has lost 5lbs in 3 months. Our guess is that this medication may not be the most suitable for him. That and the fact that he recently increased the dosage by 50% but there was no change in our son's focus. So the teachers have described that his focus runs out by 2pm, but an increase in dosage didn't help. The doctor's solution- Take him off the meds for 2 weeks to see how he reacts. I think he wants to see if the tantrums and focus both go down. If for example the focus goes down but the tantrums remain the same, we know the meds are not causing the tantrums, but that they were helping with focus. If the tantrums stop but the focus drops, then the meds were causing the aggression, but he needs meds for focus so we will switch him to another med. Sigh. What a process.

Another fear that I have is taking the kids to Disney with my son not on any meds at all. God that will be insane. He will be crazy-hyper, which will be hellish for me. Sheesh.

But the doctor is very smart. He said that if we start the other meds and the tantrums don't go down, then we may want to introduce a mood stabilizer. The one he named is EXACTLY the one my ex is on. Now that is bloody scary.

I'm trying not to think too much about it. I'm hoping all the tantrums were exacerbated by the meds he was on. Don't get me wrong. He always had angry outbursts, but they have been much worse lately.

Maybe I am the one who will need meds to get through the next 2 weeks!

I'm just going to try to make it through, try not to worry, and try to take it all one day at a time.

The Mom Song

A special thanks to my friend VW for sharing this with me. It's absolutely priceless.

Sadly enough, I've said a lot of this stuff to my kids :(

Saying No

When a man says no its the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation.

Why is it always this way?

Have we as women allowed this to happen? Is it because we are naturally so indecisive in our personal lives? (Or is that just me revealing one of my ever so present weaknesses?)

I wouldn't have issue with it if this worked both ways. But for some reason, more often than not, it feels like it's one sided. In my experience, it always has been. I mean this in my personal life, at work, with friends. Always. I say no to something, the men around me see it as a starting point. They say no to something and I always get the "We discussed this. I said no. Don't try to twist things and get your way, learn to let the other person win sometimes". (And for the record, this quote is NOT from Mr. NYC)...

Sigh.

Falling and Getting up Again

Everything in life has meaning. The bigger the fall, the greater the lesson.
-Oprah Winfrey

Have I mentioned yet that I LOVE Oprah Winfrey?

I don't even know where to begin with this one. She's right...the bigger the fall, the greater the lesson. Here is the thing...sometimes, we learn a lesson without even realizing it or understanding it until years later.

Take for example, my divorce. When I first divorced my husband, I thought my lessons were that you should never let a man touch you in an abusive manner, ever. That if he does, you should leave him right away, because he will never change. But really, that was just a scratch-the-surface-lesson.

When I look back at the same thing now, I see really different lessons. They are bigger, they direct which way I'm going, and they have changed who I am.

Here are the lessons I see now:

1. Always trust your gut instinct- Even when you are hoping that it is wrong, or just "nerves". So, now I'm going to confess something. Two weeks before my wedding I felt sick to my stomach. Physically ill. I felt like I didn't want to get married. I chalked it up as nerves, as cold feet. I kept telling myself "But he's so great. He loves me so much. He would do anything for me. How many girls get to marry their high school sweetheart?". When the nerves didn't go away, I said to myself "650 invitations have gone out. Now shut up and get married before you humiliate the entire family". I wish I had trusted my instincts. I would have been in a different place today.
2. Don't make a life choice if it's only to make others happy- Sounds obvious right? Not so obvious if you were born and raised in a Desi household. Unfortunately, Desi girls are raised to sacrifice for their families, their children, but they never put themselves first. A woman's life is about sacrifice. One thing I've learned- you have to put your own interests in the mix too. Nobody else will take care of you, you have to take care of yourself. Difficult decisions will result in personal growth.
3. Financial independence is very important- When my daughter (second child) was born, I almost quit my job to be an at-home mom. I felt guilty going to work and leaving two kids under the age of two behind with a babysitter. A little voice inside me (one that I listened to this time) told me not to. It told me that things were rough and while I wasn't thinking divorce, I would need to know for myself that I am staying in the marriage because I wanted to, not because I had to. If I became financially dependent, my choices would be limited. I listened to that voice, and I thank God that I did.
4. A community of people that will disown you are not really your friends- And you don't need them. I haven't stayed in touch with everyone from my old group. There are a few that have remained my very best friends. And while the thought of being disowned by people was devastating at first, it really hasn't been a big deal at all. The friends I have are so much dearer, and they are true friends indeed.
5. You can't base your life on what others will think of you- Because if I had, I would never have divorced. The fear of judgment was huge for me at that time, in fact, it still is. I'm still working on this one, but what I do know for sure is that if I had did what others wanted me to, I would still be waking up to bruises and a 30 minute cover up makeup routine at least 3 days a week. They don't see what happens behind closed doors, so they don't have the right to judge me for my decisions.
   
6. Marriage is not for everyone- There. I said it. I think marriage just might be over-rated. It might not be for me. I'm still figuring this one out, but I'm starting to think I'm right.
7. Family will stick by you through thick and thin- as will your dearest friends... Family may annoy you from time to time, but they do love you and mine will do just about anything for me.
   

And yet of course:
Never let another human being cross the line with you physically. But that one should always have been a no-brainer.

Role Models

"Every woman is the leader that she is looking for".
Maria Shriver on Oprah Winfrey Show.

Really powerful words from Maria Shriver. She said that she wants every woman feel that she was the leader she was looking for—that she had that within herself. It's very inspirational to hear, but how do you put it into practice? I would think this means something different to everyone. I would think you would need to define who you need to be and then live your life according to that definition. As inspiring as it is, it's not that easy to do. Emotions take over and we, especially as women, often end up saying or doing things that are not in line with who we want to be. I know I'm guilty of it. Guilty at work, with loved ones, with my children, with family, with friends.

I think that for myself, being the leader that I am looking for would mean a few things, some of which are learnings, some of which I already have:

1. Honesty- Telling the truth even when it is difficult to do- an office friend once told me that only a good friend would tell you when you've coloured your hair a hideous colour. She said it to me once upon a time ago when I dyed it jet black. As self conscious as I felt at the comment, I did appreciate the truth. I remember Oprah once said that she was at an event and Bill Cosby came to her and told her that she was wearing too much makeup and looked ridiculous. She talked about being hurt by the comment, but thankful for it. I personally am a truth teller when it is easy to do so. When it is tough, I bend the truth, avoid the topic, anything not to make someone feel bad or make myself look bad. But being the leader I am looking for would mean dealing with difficult situations as candidly as I can. It also means being honest with myself about what I really want out of life, and facing it with candeur, even when it is hard to do so.
2. Independence- Being the leader I am looking for would mean maintaining my independence. This means my friends, my financial independence, my financial freedom to make my own decisions, and yes a career.
3. Integrity- Integrity is a key- Honesty is definitely a key part of integrity but I mean a bit more here. I'm talking about intentions. About not deliberately hurting others, about being fair in your dealings with people. About the characteristics you hold dear. About knowing the difference between right and wrong doing. About living your life by these values.
   
4. Spirituality- When I say spirituality, I don't mean religion. It's not about prayer alone. It's about knowing that the world brings you what you put in, about the belief that everything happens for a reason, about the ability not to despair in desperate situations, about the ability to see the silver lining in just about everything, and the strength to know that even when you don't see the silver lining, you know it will be just around the corner. I'm not where I would like to be, but I'm better than I was 5 years ago. That's a start.
5. Personality- I think the personality is important. To me, a good leader is outgoing, bold, likable, not afraid to speak out, and fair in their spoken word. They come across confident, and they are comfortable with who they are.
   

What do you think are 5 key areas for a good female leader?

Disney in February

I have booked a short trip to Disney World. I decided that the children needed the break. It's been 41/2 years since my separation and we have never had a true vacation together. The children have suffered, watched our faces as their lives as they knew it shattered into pieces, been abused by their father, watched all the bickering and arguing and been subjected to therapists, doctors, legal assessments etc, etc etc. I feel bad for them. I think they need a break. I most definitely need one. The issue of course is a financial one.

So I called Airmiles. It turns out, I had enough Airmiles for 3 tickets to Disney (I will of course have to pay the taxes). Unfortunately, they will have connections through Washington but at least we will get to go. Then I called Starwood Hotels as I have a Mastercard with MBNA that earns points. Turns out I have enough points for 5 nights in Orlando at a Sheraton Hotel. So, on the evening of Feb 11 we will leave for Florida for 4 days, 5 nights (we get there at midnight on the 12th). We will have to spend the whole day Monday in connections getting home, but at least we get to go and it will cost me Disney entrance, taxes on the airline tickets and food. We will have 4 full days at Disney which given what I am paying, is not a bad deal at all.

Guess all that credit card debt had a small amount of silver lining :)

Anyhow, when I told the children, they were elated. I had to get their dad's permission, and after a bit of arguing, he reluctantly agreed. (I'm guessing that his agreement came from the fact that he would have to provide the children with an explanation around why he refused to let them go to Disney). Either way, he consented, and I have it in writing.

My daughter has been counting the "sleeps" till we get to leave.

I am excited for the opportunity to take them away for a few days. Disney will be fab :)

A Restful Weekend

Mr. NYC was here for the weekend. I can honestly say that we did not do a hell of a lot. We hung out, rested, talked, ate, and just kind of gave each other company. It was nice. Yes, he of course asked/pressed for an answer to his proposal and I of course didn't have one. Scary enough, I don't know when or if I will have one. It's like I'm in a frozen state. I just want to maintain the status quo for now. He wants marriage. I wonder when along the way did I become such a guy? Anyhow, either way, we enjoyed eachother's company and that was good enough for me.

We also went to see Slumdog Millionaire. Awesome film, for those who haven't seen it yet. I really liked it, but found it depressing. I have that child blinding scene stuck in my mind. It made me cry. And I still can't shake it. I always knew stuff like that happened in those countries. Those of you who have known me for years, remember that when I went to Pakistan for my brother's wedding I debated getting a "child leash" for my then 4 year old high-energy son. The reasons were twofold- my kids don't speak urdu, so if they got lost, they wouldn't be able to find their way back or communicate, and I know that in those countries, children are often kidnapped, and have their limbs cut off so they can earn more begging. I didn't want my child to be a casualty. Seeing the movie was very disturbing for me. And it was a bit of an eye opener. We complain about so much about what we don't have, but really, we have so much. It was just a reminder I suppose.

Back to Mr. NYC- I know a few things:

• This would be a lot easier if he lived here- then I wouldn't have to give up as much.
• Mom was right- the longer I live on my own, the less likely I will be willing to share my space with another person.
• I have, somewhere along the way, become a very demanding woman. Any guy who ends up with me will have his hands full. It's often my way or nothing. I know it's wrong, but I know it's true too.
  
• I am confused about what I fundamentally want- marriage/relationship/being alone. Until I figure this out, I will not be able to move forward on any front.
• I know what my inner voice says, I just don't know if I can trust it.

I will figure it all out one day. It's the journey, not the end goal, where all my personal growth and learning will happen...

Accident Prone Kids

I'm sitting here this evening, watching my son read a book. His new sling from his elbow fracture has slowed him down a bit. Some of you who have watched things progress in our lives over the past few years will remember a few of my son's accidents. Like the head stitches or the ear stitches.

My son is accident prone. He gets it from me. I broke just about everything and stitched up just about everything else when I was little. It's funny because our family doctor has been my doctor since I was 4 years old. He's watched me grow up, he's watched me date my now-ex, get married, have kids, get divorced, and now watched my custody case unfold. He has been the children's doctor since they were born. My funniest moment today was when he was examining my son's elbow and he said "this needs xrays". I asked if he was sure, after all, my son is always bumping into things and getting bruised or sore in some spot or another. And he banged this on Friday and is feeling better today. His reply, "Yes, I'm sure. After all, he's YOUR son, with your clumsy genes, and if I've had anything, I've had LOTS of practice with these things on you when you were little".

Yeah, yeah, everyone's a comedian. He did make me smile though.

And he was right. He explained to me that from the place it was swollen he could tell there would likely be a fracture. I waited an hour to get the xrays done and another hour for the results to be phoned in, but he was 100% right. I love my doctor.

You know what else I love? Brave little boys. My son woke up today saying "yeah, it's still sore, but it's a lot better". Even more cute- the way he totally milked it when he found out he would be wearing a sling. Among his list of demands:

• "I don't have to write in school because it's my right arm and the sling is in the way".
• "I should get to play video games instead of doing TaeKwanDo class because of my injury". (As a side note, he was not impressed when I pointed out that if he could play video games then he could also write).
• "I won't go out for recess because my coat won't zip up over the sling". (Well, if the teacher helps it will, but I'm supporting him on this cuz it's freezing outside anyways).
• "I won't wait outside for the school bus because it's cold and my coat won't zip. So my sister can wait in the cold and come inside to call me when the bus arrives". (He is SO lucky that his supportive sis was willing to do this).
• "I couldn't eat lunch today because I couldn't open the food with one hand". (So you managed to eat your potato chips instead of your sandwich? Really?)
• "I can't do my chores" (OK I will give you this one).
• "I can't brush my teeth". (Yes, well that's why God gave you TWO hands....)
  

Kids are hilarious.

Coasting at Work?

Every now and then I get to a point where I get bored at work, or just in need of a change. It has happened to me periodically throughout my career. I think more or less when things are high pressured or uncertain in my personal life, it starts to spill into my professional life. Today, I find myself desperately in need of a change, yet the economy is not all that forgiving and now may not be the best time to make a change in my almost 17 year stable career at the company I am at. So I sit, I wait, I think. I mean 17 years at one company for a girl who is almost 37 (well a month shy). Do the math. I'm ancient here. And I kind of need to see what else there is in the world beyond the fenced in world I have seen thus far.

Then there are days like today. Days where my daughter wakes up sick and needs to go to a doctor. Days where I take both kids into the doctor because my son banged his arm in Tae Kwan Do on Friday again. And I get to the doctor and he says to do xrays. So I wait an hour at the xray clinic and tap away on my blackberry rescheduling meetings. Then I find out he broke his arm. So I drive place to place to find a sling for him. I tap away on my blackberry rearranging my meetings again. Then I get the kids to school at 12:30 and realize (again) that I haven't had breakfast. I'm starving. I realize there is no point in the 1.5hr trek to the office (each way) and so I come home, eat lunch and then proceed to cancel the meetings that I just finished rescheduling two hours ago. At 5pm, I realize I forgot to tell my boss I wasn't coming in. But it's not a big deal. Because nobody mistrusts me, nobody questions me, and my seniority has become my shelter. It is an astronomical blessing for me, but the shelter is also a problem.

Am I too comfortable? I think so. I think I'm also "coasting", and I think I might even be getting lazy. I also know which corners can be cut, and when I can cut them. Maybe I've become too efficient doing what I do. I can do some of it with my eyes closed, and so yes, I am getting bored again. Two years in my current role, that's about the right time to need a change.


Here is the big question- am I SO comfortable that I would never survive anywhere else? Have I sat in my comfort zone too long? Yes, this company respects me, but would another? It's like the animal who lived in a zoo. Would they ever survive outside the zoo? Or have they become too accustomed to getting their meals at a particular time served right to them? Am I that zoo animal?

It's weird, it's not the market to be thinking like this, yet here I am. And that, too, on a day where I should be infinitely grateful for the luxury of flexibility and stability.

My logical side says to park this for a few months. But only for a few...

Back to Work

The first day back after a long break is never easy. For some reason I am totally exhausted and all I did is sit at a desk all day. I just don't get it.

It was tough getting the kids up this morning. I had them asleep by 9pm (30 minutes past bedtime) but that isn't so bad. I think the sleeping-in routine has become, well, a routine.

Anyhow, either way, I survived. The kids were 5mins late for school but otherwise it all turned out OK. We should be back on track tomorrow.

On the plus side, I called my insurance company. They reassured me that my recent at-fault accident won't affect my insurance. I get one at-fault accident forgiveness, so I've basically used that up.

Yaay.

I'm sure you're all wondering what happened on the Mr. NYC front. He was here for a visit this weekend. We had a nice time, but I haven't made any final decisions. It's a big decision and it affects not only my life, but the children's lives, his childrens' lives, my family, and my ex (not that we care much about him).

I think I will need a couple of months to ponder that one....

Hope you're all well...

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

This was adorable. I got it in an email, and I just had to share...

I think we can all benefit from a pause to think about what we really want out of life...

------------

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. . I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Mexican.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

And the moral is:

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

The Year in Review

I always like to look at my past year as the year comes to the end. I like to look at what went well and what was not so great. And I consistently hope that the next year will be better, although I have to admit, I don't know if my hoping has helped much thus far.

I have to say that 2008 was my worst year yet. There was a lot of difficult stuff to deal with and stress was high all year round:

• I had the CAS case in Jan where my ex left a bruise on my son in the beginning of the year, resulting in CAS involvement and police involvement
• I had to go through the court ordered family assessment for 6 months (but as a plus, thank God it went well in the end)
• I had to deal with massive financial issues, which are still ongoing unfortunately
  
• I had the usual ongoing banter with my ex (but I guess that isn't new)
• I had to deal with health issues for a few months which almost resulted in surgery (but fortunately they all turned out OK)
  
• My son was diagnosed with ADHD and we had to put him on medication (but as a plus, he is doing noticeably better now and his confidence in himself is better)
  
• My mom was hospitalized in Feb/March and then had her knee surgery in Sept (but fortunately, everything is OK and she is now better off than she was before the surgery- less pain, and much more mobile)
• The court case is still dragging on
  

What went well this year/what I accomplished:

• I have been doing well at work
• I made some very rich, meaningful friendships- not new people, but deepened some of my existing relationships
• The court case looks like it should be moving in my favor (keep your fingers crossed)
• My health is good, and I kept off the weight that I lost in 2007

It may not sound like much, but the big accomplishment for me tonight was to see the silver lining in all the bad stuff that happened.

One thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reason when we are in the depth of things, but there is a reason and if we are lucky we will get to know what it was at some point during our lifetime.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. I really think this will be a good year for me. A year of personal growth, spiritual growth, and hopefully some key decisions as well.

And really- 2008 sucked, so I am just glad it is over.

Bring on the New Year...

Goals for 2009

I have some goals for 2009. These are not New Year's Resolutions. I hate those. You make one small slip and they go out the window. These are more like things I would like to achieve, or come close to achieving when I look back on the year as a whole in Dec 2009. It's not an 'all or nothing' deal like a resolution, it's more of a' I hope that the graph is trending in the right direction' on these things...

1. Learning from my experiences with people- not walking down the same road twice
2. Cut the potty mouth- no more expletives (thanks to my dear friend for that one)
3. Telling the truth, even when I don't like the consequences (I was always a truth teller, but this year, I've lost a bit of that....I've learned to lie my way out of a few situations, and I don't like that side of myself)
4. Grow spiritually- whether it be religious or just the universal laws of the world
5. Watch my health- try to stick to the gym and keep eating healthy (I'm half way there, but I started slacking since Ramadan)

Notice that these are directional things. I could have said "lose 20lbs" but really, that's not what I mean. If I eat even healthier (I'm not totally bad right now) and feel good physically and lose only 5lbs, I will still feel I accomplished that goal. As another example, if I reduce 90% of the potty mouth, I will feel good about that one....get the point?

I would like to say that I want to figure out my life and have a set plan for where I want to go directionally, but I don't know- maybe that is too much to ask?

How about hoping to become more grounded by the end of 2009...is that a reasonable goal?

Treat Others as they Treat you

And never forget the lesson.

Life is confusing enough. I no longer believe that it is about being good to everyone, being kind to everyone. I'm not sure that these things always get returned to you.

I think there is an element of learning that needs to happen. You need to be kind to people, but within reason. If someone hurts you, harms you, abandons you, whatever it may be, you simply do not go back for more. You learn from what life has taught you and you move on. Being kind to someone who does not return your kindness is not a sign of a good person. It's the sign of a stupid person.

People need to open their eyes and see what is around them. Look at your life's experiences and learn from what you are being shown.

We as humans are often guilty of making some mistakes over and over again. I get that. We are guilty of not knowing when we have walked a similar road before. I get that too. It explains why many abused women for example, end up with abusive men even the second time through.

But there is NO EXCUSE for going back to the SAME PERSON for more once they have kicked you. That is just plain stupid.

We as humans need to at least learn how not to walk down the exact same road a second time through. A similar road maybe, but not the same one.

I'm sure this is not making much sense to any of you, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I have a few things going on in my life. I'm looking at them all- relationships past and present, friends and how they treat me, as well as my friends' experiences. There is a consistent theme. I don't learn from what life has taught me, and I do go back to the same person with hope: hope that they will change, hope that things will be different, hope that they will treat me as I treat them, but it always ends up the same.

I have a few goals for next year. One of them will be to open my eyes and start learning from my experiences.

Pay Attention...

Especially when you are on the road. What a day.

I went out to buy some sweaters for my daughter. It's cold and her sweaters don't fit her anymore. I had just finished shopping and I was heading for the gym. I was distracted. I have had a lot on my mind. I looked away. And then I smashed into the car in front of me.

She was driving an SUV. Her car is fine. Mine is a wreck. The bumper is toast. The hood is toast. That is what happens when a civic hits an SUV. He bumper will probably need to be replaced, but it's not anywhere near what happened to my car.

The 6 demerit point, $350 careless driving fine was salt in my wounds.

I feel like shit. It's my fault, totally, so I have no right to complain. But I am complaining anyways. Maybe it's what I do best.

So now, I have a rental. Which is fine. I have to talk to the insurance company on Monday. Let's see how that goes.

I'm tired. I really need a new beginning. I'm just wondering when it will come. The highlight of my day was lunch with one of my dear friends. Small pockets of happiness in an otherwise shitty day. Thank God for those, otherwise, what else would we have to make it through?

Independence

There is a very fine line between being an independent woman and being selfish/stubborn. I'm not too sure where that line is, and it's probably why I get into the situations that I do.

Is there such a thing as being too independent? If there is, I think I suffer from it.

Today I feel like my head is just not on straight, like I make stupid decisions and like I suffer from having unrealistic expectations. Today I feel like I have allowed myself to become too much, that I have gone too far, and that I hurt my future because of who I am. It's possible to think too highly of yourself, to expect too much, to have become too stubborn.

I'm not sure what made me this way. I've been giving it a lot of thought today. I think my past experience in marriage. I mean, he was so abusive, so brutally abusive and I allowed it to happen. I should have left, but I never did. Recently, someone close to me asked how it was possible that someone like me could be abused like that. He said he would have expected me to hit back and walk away, call the cops and have my then-husband arrested. But I didn't. That wasn't me. But now I think it is me.

In fact, I think the pendulum has swung the other way. I am so protective of myself, I ask so much of life, I am so demanding, that I don't think that abusive type of guy would ever have a chance in my life.

But here is the problem. Neither would any other guy. It is indeed really difficult to be with me.

Yesterday, Mr. NYC asked me to marry him. For real. He wanted to make wedding plans. He wanted me to come to NYC to meet his family and formalize an engagement. He wanted me to wear his ring.

And I froze. Paralyzed. No answer. I told him I need a few days to think.

You see, all this time, I thought he was non-committal. I thought this was going nowhere. I thought I was wasting my time. And so, I was going to end things, thinking he would never want a long term thing, that he would never actually commit to me. I wasn't expecting this. It was everything I wanted for so long, and now that it is in reach, I'm paralyzed.

I feel afraid. I mean, give up my entire life here in Toronto? My home, my career, my parents, my friends? My whole life?

But do you turn down a good guy out of fear?

I have never been so messed up. Part of me thinks that somewhere along the way, it is ME who is no longer marriage material. Once upon a time ago I was the perfect wife. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. I'm just shocked. Do I love Mr. NYC? Absolutely.

The real question is, will I ever love anyone enough to risk marriage again? Am I capable of being married again? I have a few days to figure all this out. Forgive me for not being a giddy school girl. I am almost 5 yrs divorced, and hundreds of bruises past the stage of being giddy over the thought of another marriage. Touched yes. Flattered yes. Decisive, hell no. I'm just all cold feet right now.

And the poor guy is sitting in NYC waiting for an answer from me. I think he expected an instant yes. He said he understands, that I wasn't expecting the question. He is surprised that I need to think about it, but understanding nonetheless.

And so I spin...

Taming the Beast

Today was a hellish day. I had to play the role of super-bitch. I had to be the strict mother.

I need to reign in my son. I need to tame his inner beast. And I need to do it now. So today was the start of tough love.

I gave the kids the new house rules.

1. For the next 7 days, they are off of electronics. No TV, no computer, no video games. This is a consequence for their disgusting behaviour last night.
2. The above mentioned electronics are, effective immediately, an earned privilege, not a right. Meaning, they can earn time on them, but they don't just get time on them. I'm hoping to encourage them to be better with their behavior and more respectful towards me. Disrespect towards their mother means no privileges. Being kind to each other and respecting me means they can get time on their electronic toys.
3. I will be buying poker chips. They can earn a chip after a couple of hours of good behaviour. Bad behaviour means they lose a chip. 10 chips equals 15 minutes on an electronic of their choice. That's right. They better be good if they want TV time.
   

I know it sounds mean, but I need to un-spoil my kids.

It's time to kick some butt. No more nice mom.

My line today. "Things are going to change around here".

I had to start the day with "how dare you even think you can speak to me the way you did last night".

I mean seriously. This is out of control. I'm hoping this will work. If it doesn't, I have two kids for sale. One takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher. Any takers?

The Difficult Child

My son's temperament continues to scare me. His tantrums are out of control. I wonder what I am doing to fail as a mother. I do the best I can, I hardly sleep because I work so hard, and then I get this for a child. It just doesn't seem fair. Some days, I want to give him to someone else and let them raise him. I feel so frustrated it's impossible. And yet I know I am the only real parent they have. It's just too much pressure for one person.

Tonight I had a friend over. My son didn't seem to care, he threw his tantrum and humiliated me.

I'm so frustrated. Some days I hate being a single mom. It's also unfortunate that my ex is a nutjob. It means I get no support from anyone.

At the end of the day, we all stand alone.

Happy Eid...

Today was Eid. I had the day off work. I spent the morning at home. The kids were with their dad. I decided to take advantage of it and went to the gym early in the morning. Yes I know it's Eid. But I felt I needed to clear my head.

I was waiting for something from a friend today. I've actually been waiting to hear from this person for 2 weeks. We had a major disagreement two weeks ago and it's been bugging me. But I couldn't be the one to call and resolve it. Not this time. And then at 11am, after two weeks of frustration, all I get is an SMS. Happy Eid to you and the kids and your family. That's it. After two weeks.

I was expecting something more I guess. I expected wrong. My reply. "Same to you. Please take care of yourself".

I guess that's some sort of closure on a friendship. If you want to call it that. I felt like crap for a few hours today. I debated picking up the phone and calling my friend, but my gut told me to leave good enough alone. So I did.

A most uneventful way to totally end a friendship.

Either way. Eid Mubarak.

A Temperamental Child

My son is very temperamental. It never ends with him. I often wonder how much of it is the attention deficit disorder, how much of it is learned from his dad, and how much of it is just his nature. I suppose I will never have an answer to that question, and I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to play with the cards that I have been dealt.

But sometimes it is just really difficult.

Last night I went to a friend's place for dinner. As usual, my son acted up, all angry and throwing a tantrum. He just wouldn't let up. It lasted over an hour. I eventually calmed him down but it took a seriously long time and I was humiliated, and frustrated, and left feeling that life will forever be hopeless. It's not like he is going to get better in high school. That's arguably when a child just gets worse. And then I kept asking myself, what do I have to look forward to in life? Nothing really. It was a miserable way to feel, and it kept me up most of the night.

I honestly feel like giving up. I felt like I can never move on, never be in a relationship because no guy will tolerate my son and his outbursts. I feel like I should just plan to live alone, plan short term relationships to pass the time, but never commit to anything long term. Then I will spare myself the day when someone will tell me that they can't be with me, because it is just too difficult to be around a difficult child.

It's not like anyone has ever said this to me, but I can see the judgement in people's eyes when my son acts up. I feel like saying "I am not a bad mother". Then again, he is not a bad child, but he can act pretty damned bad when he's in an off mood.

Sigh. I'll stop the rant, I know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it's the combination of 4 hrs sleep and an insurmountable pile of tasks waiting to be finished that is getting to me today and exacerbating the issue.

Two Years is a Long Time

And yet not long at all. I really miss him. This year, I've been missing him more than ever. Especially the past few months. And I don't know why it's come up like this. I find myself asking the questions again- why did he do it, how could he do it, why didn't he listen to me, why did he leave us when so many people loved him. And I still get shivers every time I drive under the Leaside bridge. I wonder which part of the bridge he jumped from, and what he was thinking his last few minutes in this world. And then I wonder why he did it without even saying goodbye.

We were such great friends, and he never even said goodbye.

My last face to face conversation with him was an argument. A back and forth. "You need help", "No I don't"....I knew he needed help. And I bet that he already knew what he was going to do. I love him and hate him all at once. And I hate myself for not doing more to help him.

I find sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could tell him how my life is going. I wish I could tell him how much he brought to my life, how he was one of the best friends I ever had. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I wish I could see his reasurring smile, just one more time. Or that look that says "Ok Shaz. Calm down". Or just to hear him tell me that I am a great person and that one day I will meet the right guy and have all the happiness I deserve. (He would say that alot).

I firmly believe we all meet again in heaven. And I find I'm still angry with Syd. When I meet him in heaven, first I'm going to slap him for what he did and then I will hug him because I've missed him so much.

But first I slap him for being so selfish and dark. It was so unlike him to commit suicide. And it was also the boldest move of his life. A fitting way to end I suppose, for a guy who stayed quiet, who remained patient, who tried to please everyone. It's like snubbing the world for all that it gave you just before you leave. But some of us didn't deserve the snubbing.

I still haven't gone to the cemetery. It's been two years, and I haven't had the courage to go. I miss him so much I know it would be emotional and I still feel so angry that I don't want to go. And so I haven't gone. Maybe next year.

Then again, maybe not.

Two years and it's still all there. Sure it doesn't consume me, but it really hasn't left me either. I find that I think of him alot. I was watching a movie the other day and the guy was about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. I felt so emotional, I couldn't watch it. I think it will stay with me for life. When friends don't return phone calls I think the worst. After all, the last friend who refused to take my calls while he was upset ended up comitting suicide. Naturally when someone is upset and they don't pick up the phone, my mind goes to a very scary place.

I wonder if he even knew what he would be doing to the lives of others...

I miss you Sydney. I hope you're in a peaceful place.

Friday afternoon working from home

In my jeans. Sipping chai. Loving it.

I had my ultrasound again. I don't want to talk much about it, but I have a cyst on my ovaries that has apparently been getting bigger. It's been causing a lot of pain lately, to the point where my evenings are a write off. I come home and I feel dead to the world. It's been this way for a couple of months. No energy to cook, and I can't move off the couch. I do homework with the kids at the coffee table so I can lie on the couch and check their homework without getting up.

Today was another ultrasound. I get the results next week. It's benign so nothing to worry about from that angle, but the pain is bad. I've even left a few meetings at work on a couple of occasions because I just couldn't sit there that long.

But today, although the pain is just brutal from the ultrasound, I am enjoying these 2 hours of solitude working, sipping chai, and just being alone.

I'm told that little moments of gratitude are baby steps to happiness. Here's to finding happiness again one day.

Never Judge Another Person

Because we as humans are much more alike than we are different.

Interesting Quote from an Oprah show I was watching last night. Unfortunately, I'm guilty as charged. One of the things I've started to see lately is that the mirror gets held up to me often enough. Just when I think "I would NEVER be capable of that" or I look at someone and think 'how could you do that to your child, or how could you say that to someone, or how could you conduct yourself in that manner?', I find myself in a similar situation, doing something not that far off.

We are all humans. We will all make mistakes.

Back in my hijab days, I remember the extremely judgmental attitude I had when I saw people doing things wrong. I would think to myself "why does that guy bother praying when he cheats on his wife? Why does she wear hijab if she has a boyfriend? Why does he fast in Ramadan if he is a drinker the rest of the year?"

And then I realized it. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. We all have different weaknesses, different faults, and we all struggle. Some of us try to be good people despite of our faults, and some of us just don't bother trying at all. But at the end of the day, you cannot slight a person for their faults, nor should you judge them for trying to maintain some amount of goodness where ever possible.

The guy who cheats on his wife is better off praying than not. The guy who fasts in Ramadan is better off doing it than not. These things are all better in small ways than not doing them I guess. Or maybe for those people it keeps them on track and prevents them for doing more harm. Who knows? But we can't judge.

There was a man on Oprah who had killed someone, and everyone judged him. And she said "we are more alike than we are different". It's true. The only thing that stops some of us from not going totally evil is the conscience.

But everyone's conscience has a breaking point too. That's just human nature.

My recent life experiences have taught me a few things. Just when I think I cannot be capable of something, a mirror is held up and I am forced to see who I really am. And while I know I am a good person in many ways, I am very far from perfect. So I have no right to judge another. And nobody has the right to judge me either.

I Want a Giraffe

To hell with princes. I want a giraffe.

I saw Madagascar 2 the other day. It wasn't as great as part 1, but it was still a good movie. But there was one major thing that stuck with me. I want to find a giraffe.

Melman the giraffe is this adorable yet nerdy, sweet yet goofy giraffe who falls in love with the hippo. He is soft natured, loving, crazy, but at the end of the day, will do anything for the one that he loves.

I want a giraffe. I just don't know if they really exist. All the men I have met always have some agenda or another. They are never truly altruistic like Melman. Maybe asking for one is just too much to ask. Maybe that's why you only find them in movies.

But I can say this....I am determined to be with a person who comes pretty damned close to being a giraffe. I know I am not a saint, but I am somehow starting to see my worth. I'm realizing that I do alot for the ones that I love, and that it may not be too much to ask for someone to reciprocate.

So I wait for a giraffe. In the meantime, a dear friend bought me a mini beanie baby version of Melman. I loved it. I kept it by my side. As I lie here on my bed blogging, Melman is sitting right here with me on my bed, keeping me company with his warmth and his smile.

This will do just fine until the real one comes along.

I hope the universe doesn't disappoint me by telling me that Melman doesn't exist.

I wait anxiously...

ADHD Medication

It's been a busy week. I'm fed up, tired, and hating life at the moment.

I took my son to the specialist for his ADHD on Tuesday. His dad came too. Nevermind the fact that I received a million emails beforehand about how he didn't like my choice of doctors, and that I was afraid he would go and cancel the appointment on me last minute, but we made it there. And the doctor prescribed medication. I knew it was coming, but still, it's so controversial, I really didn't want him on meds. I feel like I failed as a mother.

I was tempted to call an office colleague who lives nearby. Her son was also diagnosed with the same thing, and so she understands all of this. But I didn't. I didn't want to bother her, I didn't want to impose. Yet I knew that had I called it would not have been an imposition. I guess I'm a bit weird that way.

I get home and get a call from my brother. His judgement was overwhelming. "How could you drug up your own child? Why do that to a poor kid? Why not just spend more time with him at night so he will be OK?"

Seriously? Like I need to hear that shit. Like I don't feel like a failure already. Family can be so very cruel.

So I get the prescription filled and start my son on the meds. I monitor him like crazy. His appetite has decreased in the day (But he makes up for it in the morning and night). He has a harder time falling asleep. My boss (whose child also has the same condition) advised me not to let my son know that insomnia is a side effect or he will use it as an excuse. Good advice, actually.

I worked closely with my son's teacher to monitor his work. He was kind enough to email me. At least my son is showing a noticeable change in focus. The teacher said to me that this was the most focus he has ever seen from my son, and the most legible handwriting yet. That is promising.

And then the kicker. My son asks "So how many days will I need the medication for? When will I be all better?" How do you answer that? I said "I'm not sure yet." He says "Well I won't need it forever right? When will I stop being sick?" I explain that he isn't sick, but that his brain doesn't have the same chemical that other people's does and so we are helping it along. His reply "Mommy, I promise to be good if we stop making me take them".


Baby, it isn't your fault, I thought to myself. But how do I explain all this to him?

I feel useless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure. For the past two nights I have come home, looked at my son and gone to my room to cry. I never wanted to do this. I just want him to be OK.

The Worry Dolls

I gave my daughter a set of worry dolls today. I thought they were a neat idea. A very dear friend recently noted that my daughter "thinks a lot" and that she seems to have a lot on her mind. On a previous occasion, I took her to the doctor to find out why she can't fall asleep at night. He told me that she is a young child and that going through a parental divorce is a very stressful thing for a child and so she seems to worry a lot. Anyhow, I thought the worry dolls were cute so I gave them to her this evening.

She loved them. I explained to her that the little dolls are her friends. She picks one doll at night, tells it about her worries, gives it a kiss and puts it under her pillow. She can go to sleep and the doll will take the worries far away while she is sleeping. My daughter was overjoyed. She thanked me profusely, hugged me, kissed me and thanked me for loving her. I am shocked. They are just worry dolls after all!

A few minutes later, I saw her sitting in the corner, whispering to the dolls and kissing them. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was introducing herself to her new friends because they were going to help her sleep at night. She was really excited and wanted to go to sleep early!

I'm not sure what to make of this. I mean, the dolls were given to me by someone at work as a promotional item. I just had them lying around and thought she would like them. I am dying to know what "worries" she will be sharing with the dolls and what it is exactly that keeps her up at night. But if these little wooden stick dolls fix something I have been trying to fix for months, well.... then I will just count my blessings.

And I will be thankful for one less worry. Bless these dolls.

Tinker Bell Goes to Town

Today is my baby's 7th Birthday. She woke up early for what was probably the first time in her life. She ran to my room, jumped on my bed screaming "It's my birthday. Everybody has to be nice to me!!"

What? Like we are normally mean or something?

But it was cute. She got dressed up in her Tinker Bell outfit and I took her to school. She got out of the car and skipped into the school. I told the teacher at the kiss n ride that it was her 7th birthday. This was not her teacher, some other teacher who barely knows my daughter. Her reply, "Honey, I think the whole school already knows that. She made it a point to tell everyone yesterday. She said 'tomorrow is my birthday so don't forget to say happy birthday to me'".

Wow. I wonder if I was like that when I was little?

Still, I did leave the school with a smile. She's hilarious. I love her. I'm so glad to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Mary!

Happy Halloween!

My Little Tinker Bell

My baby wants to dress as Tinker Bell for Halloween. I searched everywhere and stores were sold out of her size. So I convinced her to be something else. OK that's a half lie. I didn't like that the outfits were so short and that she would freeze in it. So I convinced her to be Batgirl.

Today, I decided to go and get her outfit while she was visiting with her dad. Small problem, Batgirl outfits were sold out. So were Tinker Bell, and pretty much every Disney Princess imaginable to mankind.

I went to 5 stores. I finally, at Toys R Us, found slim pickings and decided to get her some random fairy costume. Not Tinker Bell, but it will have to do.

I was at the checkout. And I looked at the costume and saw that it had a tear. So I went back to the slim pickings rack and LO and BEHOLD...there was one random TINKER BELL outfit. One problem, No wings. I searched through the store and they finally agreed to take the wings off of a Tinker bell dress up line (different from the Halloween line).

I go to the register and to top it off, the outfit was on sale. For 12 bucks. Rockin Awesome.

I come home and my daughter is overjoyed. "Mommy you remembered my favourite. I love you!". She put the outfit on, it fit perfectly and she jumped up and down on my sofa in her fairy wings, singing all the while. It was pure heaven.

I would do it all again. Nevermind that it took me 2.5 hours and 5 stores. It was well worth it.

And she looks cuter than....well, cuter than Tinkerbell herself!

Moving out at 18

My children spent this weekend with their father. As I was putting my son to bed tonight, he asked me if he can move out when he is 18. I find this concerning, given he is just shy of being 9 years old. I asked him what the benefit would be of moving out.

It turns out that his rationale for moving out is that he would have the choice around which parent to spend time with on any given day, around balancing time between his mom and dad, as well as the luxury of "my house, my rules". He can play video games all day and eat nesquik all day. The latter around "my house, my rules" I understand. I'm sure he hates my Nintendo DS rules which are 30 minutes max per day, not before 5pm or after 8pm, and only if your homework is done. The former reason around being with both parents, I find a bit concerning.

You see, it just shows how very aware he is of the constant struggle between his father and I. He said if he had his own house, we could come and see him when we wanted to, and he wouldn't have to go back and forth between two homes. Interestingly enough, when we went through the assessment earlier this year, the assessor had told me about this. He said that the disruption of two homes has a bigger impact on children than we will ever know. Adults can handle it because we walk around with our high level calendars in our heads. But children of divorced homes don't know if they are coming or going.

I just find all of this very sad.

I don't want my son to feel the loss with his dad. His father has been on better behavior lately (we know these periods are always short lived though). When their dad is behaving better, the kids wish to see him more. It's understandable. However, I'm not sure where the balance is. For now, I feel the need to protect the kids from their dad. I don't want him to hurt them again. On the other hand, I need to allow them to feel comfortable enough to know that their relationship is not being stifled, especially not by me. It's all such a delicate balance...

I had always hoped that the children would live with me until they finished University. A good friend recently told me that it is better that they get their space and move out when they start University at 19. Let them grow and mature and live in residence, he says.

It's all a lot to think about. For now, I'll take happiness in the fact that I have a good 10 years before having to face this discussion for real. In the meantime, today my answer to him was that of course he can move out. As long as he can afford to live on his own income. Then he asked if I would get him a job at my company. No joke. I said yes. He thought for a minute and then said "Well, let's see. Maybe I'll just live in your basement".

And there is yet another topic for discussion....the new generation of freeloading children :D

How Do You End a Rut?

How do we get out of the Ratrace? Seriously? Do you ever feel like life has gotten so monotonous that you don't know when it will ease up? I'm going through that these days.

I keep thinking that things will get easier as the children get older. And then I remember what Mr. NYC says to me. Bigger kids, bigger problems. Well when does it get easier?

I get up at 5:30 am every day. I get showered and changed, I pack lunches, I dress the children, give them breakfast, and get them to school by 8:30. I get to work at 9:45 or 10am depending on traffic. I work hard, I leave at 4:45. I get to the daycare at 6:30. I get the kids home, give them dinner, do homework, put them to bed, and then I work on office stuff on my computer until midnight. And then I get up at 5:30 again.

I'm getting tired. I just want to sleep. I need to be left alone.

And then when I get a weekend without the kids I have a million chores to do.

I'm seriously going to take a weekend and turn off the blackberry and sit home and veg. No people, no conversations.

But back to my point, when does it end? What do we have to really look forward to? What is the next step?

Marriage? Well that comes with its own complications. And really, I don't know if I really want to base my future dreams around a man. I did that once. It didn't work. No more putting eggs in one basket.

So what is the next step in life? There is a big gap of time before the kids move out on their own. So I'm mommy for a long time. I'm also the provider, the cook, the cleaner.

What else am I? An employee. One who is undervalued at times.

What else am I? Where am I going? This is all really scary for me. I mean, what is the next goal in life as a single mom? Not finding a man is it? Not getting married, please don't tell me that....so what is the point of all this?

My mother loves her blackberry

Well this is sad. Talk about having guilt as a single mom. We were at my parent's home tonight. My sister called me and I wasn't listening. She called again. I didn't answer. Then she says to my daughter "I think your mommy is ignoring me"

My daughter's response "She's probably on her blackberry. That's all she ever does. And then she ignores everyone".

How sad. How sad that I've become this. How sad that my daughter knows it. How sad that I am fighting so hard to balance work and life as a single mom, and that just as I think I'm almost there, I get this.

Just when we think we have reached some sort of a destination, we realize we have barely started the journey. Sigh.

Now, I need to find a way to park the blackberry when I'm around the kids.

Sorting out Life

I've had another rough patch. One of those "I don't want to be around anyone" periods in my life. I have one friend that I have been leaning on, but other than that, the world has been shut out lately. Just going through a funk I guess.

It doesn't help that this weekend was insanely busy. I had appts for the kids, a birthday party for the kids to attend and then some. No time to breathe. I even had to cancel my gym workout :( BOO.

I need this court stuff to close now. I need it to be over. With our pre-trial date in Jan, this looks quite a ways off.

Have you ever had a time when you needed to get away? I'm going through that now....

Looking Out the Window

Another "awww" moment, compliments of my daughter....

"Mommy- when I'm at daddy's home, do you look out the window?"
"Sure I do honey. Why?"
"Because when I'm there, I look out the window and whisper every night to you. I say 'Goodnight mommy. I love you and miss you'".

I could feel my eyes welling up....

"Baby, I think I hear you. And I say that I love you too".
"I'm glad we love each other mommy"
"So am I honey. So am I"....

Everybody say "awww"....

Facebook

Today my ex did yet another irresponsible thing. I know, I shouldn't be surprised right? But seriously, I am royally ticked. He setup a facebook account for my 8 year old boy. I got an invite from my son to add him as a friend. Now where do I start with WHY I am so ticked?

1. It is highly inappropriate for an 8 yr old to have a facebook account.
2. It is even against the facebook privacy policy to have an account under the age of 13.
3. My ex told my son to enter the wrong date of birth to open an account. He basically taught my son that it is OK to lie online to get what you want.
4. He setup my son's profile as "single" and "interested in men". WTF??
5. He added a picture of my son to the profile!
6. He never even spoke to me about it first. Hello? Social networking site for an 8 year old?!

I waited until my son came home and I spoke to him about it. I explained that it is not right to lie on these sites and that there is a reason why it has an age of 13. He asked if he could please keep it and I explained that while I really would love to do this for him, it just wouldn't be right. He paused a moment and said "if it makes you that unhappy that I have it, let's just cancel it".

I love my little boy. Thank God these are the days where they still respect their mothers.

I will be shutting down that account and sending an email to his father.

What a royal idiot.

There are Always two Sides to Each Story

Have you ever misjudged someone? I mean REALLY misjudged someone? Like have one of those purely I-know-this-is-so-black-and-white moments, only to find out you were wrong?

I had one of those today. I judged someone so harshly, and was so unforgiving, only to find out that I was the one who was wrong. I, without meaning to, made a mistake and then judged someone for the outcome. In turn, this person, knowing they had been treated harshly, still let it go. All they said is "Don't worry, you didn't know. I'm sure if you knew the truth you wouldn't have reacted that way".

I have so much to learn. Thankfully, I have amazing teachers to learn from.

Sometimes what you see is not the whole picture. Things are not always as they seem.

Eid Comes and Goes

The past two weeks went by really fast. My mom came home from the hospital just in time for Eid. I was glad to have her home. Eid was insanely busy. I visited many families etc. Basically, I attended 5 events on Eid, which was a weekday and I had to go to work the next day! Seriously, I need to start taking the day AFTER Eid off from now on.

Other than that, things are normal. I am finding myself insanely tired lately. And the recent assessment report results seem to have pushed my ex into another manic episode. I'm trying to keep him away from me but his angry emails are starting to be a bit much for me.

Fortunately, I have friends around that are always a wonderful support. Right now, I'm just trying to get through the next while. My ex has completely stopped paying all child support, so it's running a bit tight. I'm sure this is his way of torturing me for having things go my way. The way I see it, if I can survive this, I will be able to survive just about anything.

Here's to strength and independence. To hell with creepy ex husbands.

A Menally Relaxing Weekend

I did errands this weekend, visited mom, did homework, but I have to say, I cannot remember the last time I had this much peace of mind.

This must be what it feels like to be normal.

I know I have a court case coming up....but I am enjoying savoring the moment, even if just for a few days.

And, I learned today that mom will be coming home on Friday. Just in time for Eid. Hooray!

And- a big thank you to all my friends who have given me support and strength to get this far. I love you guys.

The Assessor's Recommendations

It went well. It went just about as well as I could have wanted. Thank God. I actually came home and fell asleep. I think the built up fatigue just kind of caught up to me yesterday. My lawyer said this was the first time she ever saw an assessment so much in favor of one side.

Here is a summary of his recommendations:

• Full custody for me- He basically said this should never have been joint custody to begin with. He said that when one partner was abused, you cannot force the parents to co-parent and make joint decisions. He said all decisions for the children should be made by me, and that I do not have to consult with my ex first. But I do have to give him an FYI.
• Visitation every other weekend for my ex- He gets to see the kids every other weekend, unsupervised (but there are stipulations, see below). He is not allowed to see them mid week as he disrupts their school routine. In addition, I have to do all homework with the kids, my ex does not b/c he is "not capable" of managing a stressful routine without losing his temper. In addition, he has to bring them home early at 2pm on Sundays so that I can do homework with the children (rather than bringing them home at 7pm)
  
• I am allowed to relocate to NYC- This was incredible. He said it was actually in the best interests of the children that I relocate so that the children can have a normal life. He said they have been exposed to a very distorted reality and so they deserve to see that people can have normal lives that do not involve abuse. If I move, I have to bring the children back about 6 times per year to see their dad, including a month long visit in July. The other months where there is no visit, he has to come to NYC to visit the kids if he wants to see them.
• My ex has to be under the care of a psychiatrist- The assessor said that my ex most definitely has mental health issues, and likely bipolar disorder. In order to be unsupervised around the children, my ex has to go to a psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I am to get confirmation that he is attending and following the recommendations of the psychiatrist (eg- medications). If he doesn't go to a psychiatrist, he has to find a supervisor for his visits.

There was some other really neat stuff said:

• He said that the children are doing well for the most part, and the only reason that they are not "unstable" is because they have me for a mother. (I cried when he said that). He said that my ex has to make peace with me and accept that I have been the main caregiver to the kids and done a good job raising them.
• He said that he has confirmed that my ex was an abusive husband, from multiple sources. "You were an abusive husband, and you are an abusive father"...
• He said Mr. NYC was a great role model for the kids and that the kids really love him. He feels he can provide them with stability
• He said that my ex was "controlling, angry, unstable"

So what are the next steps? That rests with my ex. He can either consent to the recommendations, or we take this to trial. The assessor urged him not to go to trial. He said "If you go to trial, you will not win this. You have a good lawyer but even the best lawyer in the country can't win this for you". Let's see what happens. Knowing my ex, I am fully expecting this to go to trial and waste more time and money. But my lawyer says it is rare for a judge to overturn an assessor's recommendations. We don't expect that to happen.

My friend was right. He always said "be patient, your day will come". This is my day.

I have to say, the sun feels like it is shining exceptionally bright today.

The Night is Always Darkest...

...Just before the dawn.

Words spoken in the Dark Knight Movie....let's hope they are true.

Tonight is absolutely unbearable for me. I had the crappiest day at work. I am just feeling like crap. I have the assessment disclosure tomorrow at 10am. I came home with the biggest headache in the world. I wanted to go to sleep early, but I know that I won't. Oh ya, and my ex brought the children back ridiculously late again (9pm). What a jerk.

And as if there weren't' already enough on my plate to begin with (you know, despite the assessment and the crappy work stuff), I get a phone call from the children's therapist. Apparently my gem of an ex husband has withdrawn consent for the children to see this therapist. My children have an appointment on Saturday. I can't take them now. This is just UNREAL.

I mean, as if they haven't been put through enough! The one thing keeping them sane is their therapy. They are well adjusted kids despite the fact that they have the most screwed up father in the world. I attribute their well adjusted-ness to their therapist, and well, to me. But I can't save them alone. I need her. When she called me tonight, she was very apologetic, and did admit to me that in all her time in therapy (over 20 years) my ex is right up there as one of the worst ex husbands ever. Well, I guess I should get the asshole ex husband cookie. Yaay for me.

Anyhow, I have spent the past 45 minutes just fuming, and now my head is just pounding. I am totally completely fed up. And now I feel all hopeless about this assessment. I am just holding on for tomorrow.

I hope the night really is darkest just before the dawn. That would mean that tomorrow will only get better.

I have my fingers crossed, my prayers going and I still have a bit of hope. I need to resolve all this stuff soon. The longer I wait, the bigger this mess seems to get. :(

Pray for me guys. A lot really rests on tomorrow. In fact, everything does.

Getting Closer...

Two Days to go.

I have no idea how I am surviving this agony. I'm sure the wait is the worst part. At least I hope so.

Actually I know how I am surviving. I have been swamped with two projects from hell at work, and I have the comfort of great friends when I'm not there. Thank God for my friends.

My mom called to see how I'm doing. Imagine that. She is in the hospital and she wants to know how I am holding up. She reassured me. "I'm confident this should go in your favor. The evidence itself is very strong." This from my mom who is in the hospital. Now that is blessed isn't it?

It can only get better. That's what I keep telling myself.

4 Days to Go

I have been counting the days. I can't sleep. I am mentally a mess. I'm not expecting anything bad, I just need this to be over. I have had enough. With everything.

Thank God I was able to keep busy this weekend. Thank God for my friends. I spent Friday night with friends. Actually, I was at Fatima's home (my ex's ex wife). She had a party, I had a lovely time.

On Saturday, I had another nice day. I kept busy with a good friend and I kept my mind off things, and it was great company. It worked out well.

Today I spent the bulk of the day with Mom at the hospital. She is recovering really well.

Like I said, this weekend was all about keeping busy.

4 Days to Go.

It's a Wonderful World

Yesterday, I had one of the more beautiful mornings ever. It started off all frustrating but my son saved the day. God Bless him.

I am one of those people who for the most part keeps her home organized, but I have my moments. I have this one Tupperware cupboard that is a disaster. Every time I open it, stuff falls out. I tidy it up from time to time, but it just seems to go back to what it was, no matter how many times I clean it up.

Yesterday, I was running late. I was packing lunches. I needed Tupperware. I opened the cupboard, and a bunch fell out. On my head. I was frustrated, but I ignored it and put the Tupperware back. Then I realized I forgot to take out one for the children's lunch. So I open the cupboard again and you guessed it, they fell on my head again. This time I was VERY frustrated, but tried to stay calm. (The children, were after all, sitting in the kitchen, eating cereal and watching me).

I put the Tupperware away (neater this time), and I closed the cupboard. I then realized that I left the lid in the cupboard, and I open it and....you guessed it. A Tupperware fell on my head.

Now normally I would laugh it off, but I was:

1. Late for work
2. Still had to pack lunches
3. Frustrated at myself for letting this happen a third time
4. Annoyed that I don't have more cupboard space.

So what do I do? I shout. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!!!"

I turn. I look at the children. I turn back. I put the Tupperware back in the cupboard. I feel a tug on my sleeve. I turn, I hear music. I see my son standing before me. He went to the CD player and put on one of my favourite songs.

It was Louis Armstrong, It's a Wonderful World. I get teary eyed. I look at him. He smiles. "Don't worry mommy. Just start the day over".

I smile. I hug him. I tell him how much I love him.

He made my day. I'm so glad to have him in my life.

Profanities

Not only did my ex bring the children home at 9pm again (on a weeknight, despite the 8pm court order), but I also learned some disturbing news from the children. My ex has been getting angry at them, and using profanities with the children. Please excuse the profanities that I am about to mention below. But I was horrified at what the children told me tonight.

The children have recounted to me that their father swears at them. Tonight my son told me his their father called him a "fucking asshole" and that he did this last week as well. He said that he is called this when he doesn't listen to/obey his father. This is how my son described it:

• my son doesn't listen to what he is told
• My ex says "Why do you have to be such a fucking asshole?!"
• My son replies (in fear) "I'm sorry Baba. Don't yell!"
• My ex says "Oh ya, if you're sorry, then say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole"
• My son says "I'm sorry for being a fucking asshole".

My daughter confirmed this to me as well. How I found out tonight is that my son and daughter were arguing (it was late to be putting them to bed so they were cranky), and my son said "Fine Mary. Say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole". I got upset, asked where he learned this language, and this is what both children told me. They said it is not the first time this has happened. I explained that they are not to use this language, EVER. I told Mary to tell her father she is not allowed to use this language. Mary then told me that she is called a "fucking bitch".

I keep thinking that there has to be something that can be done. He was better under supervision. Isn't swearing at a child the same as emotional abuse? It's definitely inappropriate discipline. I'm not sure what options I have in this regard, but this is very serious.

Honestly, sometimes I feel so completely hopeless, like there is no way to get out of this mess. It just keeps getting worse and worse and all that is happening is that he keeps getting out of it, and all I am left with is a huge mound of financial debt. It just doesn't seem fair.

One week to go. The assessment report is a week tomorrow. I believe there is a God. There has to be justice at some point. If that meeting goes badly, I am going to give up completely.

One prayer at a time...

Mom's Knee Surgery

My mom had her knee surgery today. I took the day off and had the opportunity to be the one to take her to the hospital. We got there at 8am, surgery started at 10:45am, she was done at 12:30 PM and was brought back to her room at 3:30PM. I stayed until about 5:45PM and then I left to go and pick up my kids from the daycare.

I would do this again for her any day. There is something so special about mothers. I feel so glad that I was able to be with her.

As I watched my mother sleep, I thought of all that she had given up for me. She had a job in a bank back in the 70's (big deal for a Pakistani woman) and she quit to stay home with me, because I cried at the babysitter. The next few years, I benefited from having my mother walk me to school regularly, or wait at the front door with warm almond milk for us, or a fresh hot lunch every day. Mom baked regularly, she sewed our clothes, and she bought us treats. Mom was our life. And today, I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to take care of her. How fitting. How lucky I am. And at the same time, it broke my heart to see her in pain. I'm only glad that this was not a life threatening surgery, and that really, after this is truly over, she will be a lot better off. Maybe in a few months time, we can take her on a shopping spree to Buffalo again. This time, with a new knee, she will be able to keep up with me and my sister. I can't wait.

I just hope that one day my children feel for me the way I feel for my mother. For now, all I can do is live with her example, and hope to be loved as much by my kids as she is by us. I can try to be a good mother and hope that one day they love me for it, and that they don't find too many mistakes in my efforts.

Then again- I can't really go wrong. I have one of the best examples to learn from.

The Flat Tire

On Friday morning, I drove into work just fuming over my ex's fiasco at the daycare. I spoke to my lawyer on the phone and as I pulled into the parking garage at work, I hit the curb that holds the pass machine (where you tap your pass to get into the garage) and I popped a tire. Not a little hole a big huge hole. Instantly flat. I was SO frustrated, I cannot tell you. Why me is all I could think in my head.

So I parked my car on the side and went up to the office. And here is where I realized how lucky I really am. My boss and my colleague/friend changed the tire for me. How often do your colleagues do that for you?

The rest of the day was frustrating, office issues, the usual, and I had a hard time getting through the day.

On Saturday, when I went to Costco, I found out that the treads on ALL tires were pretty much gone, meaning they would need to be changed by October anyways. Crap. $560 dollars later, I was on my way.

I had tickets to the Soccer Game. I went with my friend, and the children, and my best friend's son. It was a great game. We watched our team lose miserably, but the company was good and the crowd was hilarious. And I needed it. I had fun, and it de-stessed me after that unexpected $560 hit. Sigh.

I am just counting the days till the assessment meeting. Sept 18 cannot come fast enough. All I keep telling myself is that soon enough, all this stress that pre-occupies me should be lifted. There will be an answer either way, and I will accept it whatever it is. I just cannot do this much longer.

The Horror of Weeknight Access

Not only did he bring them home late again (8:45PM on a weeknight Wed night), but he did another screw up. Get this:

I was advised by the daycare that my ex is creating issues. He has recently been complaining about the wife (it is a husband and wife couple who own the daycare/Tae Kwan Do after school program). The wife isn't a huge fan of my ex because about a year ago, my ex took the children on a night that wasn't his, and I had to call the police to find out where they were. When the daycare found out, she called him to ask him to bring the children back (since she was liable for giving them to him on a wrong night) and he yelled at her. Ever since that incident, she hasn't been particularly fond of him. In addition, my ex would never bring the children in for their belt tests and the children would fall behind. As a result, this after school program has had to accommodate my children by holding tests around my ex's schedule for me. Just to clarify, she doesn't act rude to him, she just doesn't say anything when he comes in. (She doesn't greet him, but she has asked others to make sure he is treated well).

On Wed, my ex got angry, disrupted the husband (the instructor) while he was teaching a class and told him that this was a "hostile environment" and that he was going to call his lawyer and have the children removed from the daycare.

Needless to say, the children have been going to this place for years. They absolutely love it there. I am NOT in ANY way prepared to change daycares. In addition, rather than putting my children in a "warehouse" after school, I took great efforts to find an after school program with a sport affiliated with it, and this is one where the children have made many friends and they LOVE the program. They get an hour Tae Kwan Do lesson every night after school, and this has been really good for their self confidence and for channeling energy (particularly for my son)

I need this to end. My ex is destroying the children's stability, both the overall weekday routines by bringing them home late and by trying to ruin this for them too. He just can't seem to hold a stable relationship with anyone, and he creates fights and issues everywhere that he goes. His behavior will definitely have a negative impact on the children. I just hope that there is justice when we get the assessor's report on Sept 18. A week and a half to go.

Not Fit to Parent

I know. I should know this by now, but I guess I allow his actions to continue to shock me. It's just absolutely amazing to me just how bad of a parent he really is. I mean, you would think that eventually, the love for his children would kick in and make him do the right thing, but it never does.

He is supposed to bring the children back at 7:30PM. Today, he brought them back at 8:45. And their bedtime is 8:30PM. And tomorrow is the first day of school. Now tell me this...what kind of parent has so little regard for his children that he would deliberately do things to set them up for failure?

My ex.

With God as my witness, I fasted today and if one prayer gets answered, I hope this man gets every inch of what he deserves. There better be justice when we go to court. There better be.

Happy Ramadan!

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I'm so glad that it falls on a weekend day, because the first fast is always the most difficult. That and the fact that I was out late yesterday with my sister and brother in law in Niagara Falls, so I'm tired. Glad I'm not at work.

I got a mini scolding from my mom today, because I woke up before dawn for breakfast, but was too tired to eat. I had a glass of orange juice and a handful of nuts. Mom got mad, because she said that it's a long fast (goes till 8pm) and that a glass of juice was not sufficient. If I can't fast properly on my own, then I should come and stay with her and do it right. :) I love my mom. She cares so much about us. Where would I be without her?

I'm hoping to make this Ramadan a more spiritual one for myself and the children. I have to accept that my angst with religion has influenced the children, and so I need to at least let go of some of it, and bring back some of it for them. I plan to go to the mosque this Ramadan, and to take the children with me. I might even host and Iftaar (breaking fast) party at my home. And I intend to teach them how to pray. I know, it's all well overdue, but at least I have good intentions this year. That is a start.

It's 2pm right now. 6 hours till we can break fast, and now I'm feeling hungry. Methinks mom was right. Mental note, eat a proper breakfast tomorrow morning...

Mom is going for her knee surgery this month, either this Wednesday or next Wednesday. This is long overdue, so I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later. I would love to see mom walk without pain again.

Anyhow, now I sit, I pay bills, I wait for the kids to come home and for sunset so we can break fast :P

Happy Ramadan everyone!