Feeling my Age

This would be the first time in a long time that I am feeling my age.  Like REALLY feeling it.

Yesterday, I went for a colonoscopy.  I don't have to get into why, I'm sure we all know what a colonoscopy is for - but needless to say, the fact that all these symptoms are coming up now, it's a bit unsettling.  Knees, digestion, etc.  What will it be next?  I all of a sudden am starting to feel really old.  When I was with the nurse getting prepped, she asked my age.  I told her I was 41.  She was surprised, and thought I was younger.  "You must have bad symptoms to be here before 50 without a family history".  Thanks lady.

Fortunately, it all went well, they found no major issues.  Just minor things that I can live with.

As I came home and let the anesthetic wear off, I all of a sudden realized that I am actually alone in this world.  Yes I have friends, yes I have family, and children.  But one day, maybe 20 or 30 years from now, when the kids are living on their own, I might be like this- lying in bed sick, and completely alone.

This isn't a conversation about marriage.  I know better than anyone that it is very possible to be married and still be alone.  I lived it for 11 years.  But this is a reflection on how life will be 20 years from now, when friends and family and children are busy in their own lives.  Who will be there when we need them?  And no, I am not talking about marriage.  Yes, often having a life partner helps in those situations, but that is truly luck of the draw.  I have had friends who went through cancer/chemo only to find husbands that had affairs during this time, rather than staying by their side.  The world is unpredictable.  And people are fickle.  Not all people, it's all luck of the draw.

We all hope that someone will be there for us.  That we are the ones that fare well in these situations.  But what if nobody is there?

Scary.

My thoughts went to my grandmother who is ill.  She lives with my uncle.  He spends day and night caring for her.  He schedules his work schedule around her.  He blends her food and feeds it to her by hand.  An honorable son indeed, but let's face it.  We can't expect that all of our children will turn out that way.  It's very unlikely, but luck of the draw says that some of them will.  Fingers crossed that those are our children, our friends, our family.

Time will tell, I suppose.  The best insurance policy- eat well, exercise, take those vitamins, and leave the rest to God.  Let's see where we land.

Bad Knees

I always wondered if my mom's knee issues would be passed down to one of us.  I just hoped I wouldn't draw the short straw.

Today I found out that I drew the short straw.

I can't entirely blame genetics (while they are a  factor)- the doctor sited age, weight (I'm not a little girl), and my lovely heels as the main culprits.  This means I will inevitably be a knee candidate a few years from now. How many years that will take depends on how good I am for the next few years.

So I have to eliminate the use of heels.  OK, maybe I will reduce them for now.  I'm not a huge fan of going cold turkey on much of anything, but I will take this seriously.

After I came home from my appointment, I was trying to figure out the impact in my closet (Yes I am a girl.  I had my crying fit first, this was after I calmed down a bit).  With over 100 pairs of shoes, I would estimate that 75% of them are heels.  That's like 75 pairs.  What a waste.

What do you do with 75 pairs of not so wearable high end shoes?  Ebay?

Heartbreaking.  No not the shoes.  I mean the knees too.

:(

Family

Today is Eid.  As I sit here and observe the family and our interactions, I just realized something that saddened me.  Family can be close.  Family will always be there for one another, but there comes a point in life where everyone grows up, gets married (or in my case, divorced), has their own children, and then families and priorities change.  It's not that you don't love each other, because you absolutely do.   It's that you love each other differently.  Your responsibilities to your children will take priority over your responsibility (or time) for siblings.  I'm not sure that it should, but I guess it turns out that way. 

I'm not saying anything bad about family.  It's just that you don't realize how good things are, or how simple they were until you grow up, look back, and realize its gone and a new phase has begun. 

I guess this Eid I'm feeling nostalgic, with a touch of sadness. I wonder if my children realize how good they have it right now, at this very moment. And I wonder when or if they will be in the spot I'm in 20 or so years from now, and if they will be thinking the exact same thing. 

Circle of life I guess.  

Study Habits

I find it amazing that children these days have no sense of how to study.  It just blows my mind.  I remember when I was in school, we would come home, have a snack, and start studying.  We would study until our homework was done, taking a break only for dinner.  Kids these days are so different.  They will put studying off until the last minute, with no sense of time management.  I remember once my son forgot to complete his homework, realized at 9:30pm and had the audacity to ask me to write the teacher a note.  I did write a note.  The note said "he failed to do his homework, please ensure he gets and adequate consequence".  He was livid.  I didn't care.

As I watch my children study, I am shocked.  I wonder if it's a reflection of how children are these days (lazy, self entitled), or if it's the way culture is and I am just old.

My kids fly through their homework.  They never double check their work, and when they do their homework, it's with earbuds in their ears and music blasting.  They say it helps them focus.  I know for a fact that I cannot think with any sound around me.  Is it just different ways of learning, or is it a sign of a generation that just doesn't care as much?

I remember being the girl who would find the most obscure spot in the library to park for the day.  My kids will study with a TV on, music on, whatever.  Their answer is that they are good multi-taskers.  I think its just an excuse.

I'm not sure though.  My son typically does alright in school and he is the one with the loudest blaring music while studying.  Am I just old?

This weekend I cracked down on the kids.  I shut off all electronics and made them study my way.  The kids are grumpy and miserable.  I know.  It sounds mean.  But let's see what test grades they get tomorrow.  If they do better, I will be doing more of this.  If they get the same grades (or lower), I will permit them to go back to their blasting music.

They of course, do not know I am doing this experiment.  Let's see how it goes.

Profile of a Bipolar Man

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about my ex.  She was curious about the signs of my ex's mental illness, and wanted to know if I ever documented them.  I put a list together for her, and then realized it would probably be a good thing to post, for others to see.

During high school/early university:

• Very few friends 
• Many people saw him as weird or quirky 
• Got angry with people easily
• Depression (which I then thought were just a few down days)
• Difficulty in most relationships (Except with me.  I was the center of his universe.  Almost like an obsession, but in high school when a guy spends every possible minute with you,and only you, we as women mistake that for how worthy we are of love and how much that person loves us.  It's not love, it's not normal, and we should never marry it!)
• Frequent mood swings
• Lack if focus, poor grades.  By the time we got married and into university, I was often writing many of his undergrad and MBA papers for him.  It was bad because it just increased his dependency and obsession.

Now before the world judges me for marrying this guy- please remember that the emotional maturity of a 19 year old is not quite developed.  I was naive and didn't know that these were warning signs of something big.  If I knew then what I know now, things would be different.  Rest assured, I will train my daughter and son to watch for these signs so history does not repeat itself.  

As he got older, and after marriage:

• Inability to keep a job. Either because lack of focus and work not getting done right or also because of interpersonal issues- fights with co-workers etc)
• Abusive physically and verbally towards me (and verbally with his family).   Every family event would end in a fight and it would be his fault.  I know.  I was there.
• Torturing animals.  Remember our cats?  He would squeeze them until they defecated or would put their heads in a basin of water as punishment for bad behavior.  
• Physical abuse of our children - this was only on the day I left him, but then continued after because our lovely courts gave him visitation.  
• Controlling.  Punished people.  Vindictive. No mercy.  He had a really dark side. 
• Lied a lot.  He knew right from wrong, and knew how to cover wrong doing.
• Excessive spending on things we didn't need.  Yes.  He became a shopaholic.  Yes we ran into debt.  When we got divorced he had racked 70k on a line of credit.  And this was just on his foolish expenses.  No I didn't realize how high it had gotten.  And yes, debt is matrimonial and I had to pay half.  
• Binge eating.  Yes men do it too.  I would come home from work (he was often unemployed and therefore at home) and would realize that he had bought and eaten a whole chocolate cake.  The blinds would be closed, the house would be dark.  And he would be watching TV and eating cake.  Sometimes I wouldn't know for days.  I would find empty cake boxes hidden in the bottom of the closet.  He must have known it wasn't normal.   Why else would he hide the boxes?
• As he got older, his illness became more apparent.  One time he told me he wanted to join the police force.  I told him to think about it.  His moods changed so often I figured the next  day he would forget anyways.  The next day, I came home and found a real estate agent in the home.  He said he made a decision. We were selling the house and moving to Vancouver (what happened to joining the Toronto police force?  That was the day before!!).  I reminded him that it was both our home, in both our names, and he couldn't  sell it without my consent.  And- I was the only one employed.  My job is in Toronto, so we are not moving.  Then I kicked the agent out.  

The list keeps going.  But this is a start. Don't forget.  He had good days too.   He was the guy who would massage my feet., bring me flowers, buy me things, plan picnic lunches by the water.  It's just- hard to love someone who does all that and then comes home to lunch you in the face and give you a black eye.  

Anyhow, I hope this list is helpful for others.  Had I been from a different community, I would have left him sooner.  Thank God for the kids.  They saved my life.   

We are all we need.

My daughter has been sick for 2 days with a high fever, sore throat - a basic cold.  I've been keeping her hydrated and medicated to keep the fever down.

Today I made a batch of soup.  I work from home on  Fridays, so fortunately, I was able to put it on and let it cook in the background while I attended all my meetings.

She's been lying on the sofa next to me, drifting in and out of sleep.  At one point, she woke up and thanked me.  "You're the best mom in the world.  I remember when I was little and sick, you did this for me all the time".  I told her I would do this my whole life.  She's a joy to have and it's not work.  Even late night wake-ups (she was up crying last night at 4 am)- they are not work.  It's a labor of love and I would do it a thousand times over, with pleasure.

I told her not to worry.  She can grow up, be an old lady like me with kids of her own and I will still lay her down on my sofa, cover her with a big blanket and make a batch of soup.  She smiled and said "Mom I would do it for you too".

I told her I know she would.  I have no doubt.  After all, the three of us are a family.  "We are all we have, so we will always need to be here for each other".

"No mommy.  You're wrong.  We are all we need".

My heart melted.  I stand corrected by my 11 year old daughter.  We definitely are all we need.  We have been blessed with each other.

So does this mean the wounds are starting to heal?  I certainly hope so.  Maybe it's a sign.

Second Degree Blackbelt

My son earned his second degree Blackbelt two weeks ago.  I was really proud to watch him go through the 2 hour test.  I also wasn't sure if he would want to continue.  The classes are a big time drain.

It turns out, he wants to continue. 

I'm definitely going to support him (don't get me wrong, as a single mom with no child support coming in for the past 1.5 years, I definitely was looking forward to the money savings).   But here is the thing.  He loves it, and I personally think that the focus on Taekwando will keep his focus away from other things, like hanging out with friends in malls etc.  So the money is really a small price to pay.    If he wants to focus his energy on positive things, I'm certainly not going to stand in his way.

He even has a plan (a man with a plan.  I love it!).  He wants to work towards his next belt and in two years, apply for a job as an assistant trainer.  Not a bad idea at all. 

As I watched him receive his belt and bow to his instructor, I couldn't help but get teary eyed.  We have come a long way. 

And as we drove home that day, he held my hand and thanked me.  "Mom.  You supported me and encouraged me.  While dad deliberately made me skip belt tests just to be mean.  I know you called them and got them to schedule belt tests on days when we were with you instead of him so I could actually take these tests.  If it weren't for you I'd probably not even have my first degree Blackbelt"

And so, just like that, in one swoop, my heart melted and all was perfect in the world.  It is all worth it.  

Grade 8 Graduation

My son graduated from grade 8.  I promised him I would not cry.  (I think he feels it would be embarrassing for the supposedly cool mom to be the one crying.  Still, I'm glad he requested it or I would have been bawling). 

I was the first one to arrive at the venue.  Two hours early.  They were still setting up.  A teacher asked if I wanted to come back later.  No.  I will wait.  I want the best seat in the house.  My baby is graduating.  I'm a single mom.  And truly a single mom, because dad is a deadbeat.  This might as well be my graduation.   I think they let me stay out of pity.  Or something.  Either way, I had the best seat in the house. 

It was a lovely night.  He looked so handsome in his suit.  And as he walked across the stage,  I felt a personal sense of accomplishment.  I mean, he was 4 when I first got divorced.  Imagine how long a journey it's been.  He was still at the phase of potty accidents and night diapers.  And there he was.  This handsome young man in a suit, almost as tall as I am. 

Ok I cried a bit.  But I didn't let him see.

After the student dinner I went to pick him up.  The principal came by and told me that I have an awesome kid.  I told her I knew that.  And that I'm lucky. 

And  then she said "Give yourself some credit.  He turned out like that because he has you for a mother". 

And then the tears started.  I think my son was a bit mortified.  Crying in front of the principal AFTER the ceremony has to be worse that crying during it.   But he didn't say a word.  He just squeezed my hand and smiled. 

In about 5 years, as he completes high school, he will have a bigger graduation.  That one will be more emotional.  But until then, the next 5 years, the impressionable  high school years will require a lot of patience, work, and love.

I'm ready for the journey.  

Happy Freedom Anniversary

It was nine years ago today that I left my now ex husband.  I would love to be able to say that it was nine years ago that I made the decision to leave him, but I know full well the decision was made a few months prior, and the date of my leaving was more the result of an impulse, a last straw so to speak, than an actual decision.  It was me reaching my breaking point, realizing my son had almost been chocked to death, followed by a frenzy of stuffing hanger-clad clothing articles into suitcases, dumping drawers of toiletries into shopping bags and just taking off. 

And so the journey began.  And what a long road it's been.   And nine years later, I can honestly say that I understand why the journey was such a long one.  God is the master planner, and he had a list of things for me to learn.  And I'm still learning. And so the journey continues.  

It's rather fitting that today I had lunch with two girlfriends that were strong support systems for me.  And as I drove to lunch, I passed the hospital where I had been admitted just months prior to my leaving him.  The same hospital where I made the initial decision to leave. All this after being given a clean bill of health  after an MS scare.  And a conversation with a doctor who wanted to know what had me so stressed out that my body would shut down and go into paralysis mode.  

A long journey indeed.  

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day, and mentioned that June 9th was coming up.  I did not realize that my daughter was in the next room listening.  Small ears, but they hear and understand everything.  

Today, she came to me, gave me a big hug and said "Happy Freedom Anniversary Mom".  I was stunned, and ashamed.  I apologized to her.  She should never have heard my conversation.  Her reply- "Mom.  You saved all of us when you left him.  That's our freedom day too.  We love him, but he's hard to love, and I'm so glad you left him.  You saved us.  You're my hero".  

I was stunned. I wasn't sure if I should thank her or continue apologizing.  So I thanked her. 

She continued to tell me that because of me, she knows what not to tolerate in life.  No bullies, no threats, no pushy men.  She said there are a lot of good men out there.  Please mom, when the time is right, find a good one and be happy.  

I had tears in my eyes.  I love her.  And she's learned a few things.  And I realized that for my children, I broke that cycle of violence.  It existed in my ex's family for generations. And I stopped it for them.  

But that is just the start.  The journey continues, but today, I pause to be grateful for the journey, the support, and the learnings along the way.  

Happy Freedom Anniversary.   

Swimming Lesson #8

Today I learned how to do a breast stroke. It was exciting. I did 20 laps of the pool in one hour (I pause 2 mins between each lap to catch my breath. Clearly, working on cardio endurance is the next step).

Regardless, this is a total thrill. I've finally done something I've always wanted to do, and I did it all for myself. In 8 lessons, I've learned how to do a forward crawl, backwards crawl and a breast stroke. Not bad for 8 lessons. I'm pleased with my progress. My goal is to become strong enough to swim in the ocean one day. I know I will hit that goal.

On another note, I find things shifting in my life. I'm feeling more positive, like things will be great, like life is going to be just fine. It's a gift.

Even despite some recent hardships, I've managed to stay optimistic. I'm hoping this will continue. It's new for me. I'm so used to feeling like the past is indicative of what the future will hold. A negative past always meant a negative future. But now, I'm not so sure about that.

The other day, my daughter and I were chatting. She told me I was a great mother. She told me that when she was younger, she didn't understand why I left her father, and why she had to be part of a divorced home. Now, she says she realized that this decision was better for the family, that we have a better life, and that it was the best decision I could have made. She even thanked me for doing it. It was as if that one conversation finally set me free. Like I could forgive myself for giving the children a broken home. Like I could forgive myself for the hardships that resulted, and that it all is working out in the end.

Amazing isn't it? The children have saved me in so many ways. I left my ex because of what he did to my son. I would never have left over the things he did to me. That was my kids saving me from a life of hell.

And now, years later, those same children have the ability to set me free emotionally.

And they think I'm their hero? I think it's the other way around...

Swimming Lesson #5

Yesterday's lesson was fun. I learned how to bend my arms and do the front crawl while coming up for air. I also learned how to do a backstroke. The instructor says I'm a really fast learner. I feel so awesome that I'm doing this.

I wonder how long it will take to be confident that I can really swim. I don't mean swim in a pool. I mean confident in open water where you know you don't have the option of stopping or standing up when you get too tired.

I know. It's just lesson 5. A girl can dream can't she?

High School Orientation

My little baby is growing up.

He has his high school orientation tonight. When the letter came home, I say there and stared at it for a few minutes. I still don't think it's sunk in.

I'm writing this from the train. Taking the early train home for the big occasion.

I still can't get over it. This little boy was 4 years old when I left his father. And I've pretty much done this all by myself.

In my gratitude journal, I wrote about how grateful I am to have a little boy who is growing up but still loves me enough to shower me with hugs and kisses when he sees me.

And now this little boy will soon be a high schooler. It's unreal. Time really flies.

They are both great kids. I'm going to do something out of the ordinary. I'm giving myself a pat on the back. Despite challenging circumstances, I think they are turning out just fine.

Off to high school we go. The world of new adventures, newly found freedom, peer pressure, lifelong friendships, and lots of memories.

And I'm honored to be with him as we start a new journey.