Awwww :) From my Daughter

So I found this in my daughter's bag.  It was an excerpt from one of her assignments.  She didn't even tell me she was writing it.  Loved it so much I had to ask for the soft copy.  The assignment was to describe what would inspire the lyrics to a song if you were to write one:

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My mom has always been one of the most important people in my life. Through  rough and easy, I've always had my mother by my side. No matter how big or small the problem I knew that I could always count on her. One of the best parts of being with my mom is how funny she is. Within five minutes of being with her I'm always laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Once we were driving to my grandparents home and my mom was doing an impression of a character from a old TV show that I watched when I was three. When we got to my grandparents house my face was so red that they thought I was going to be ill. I could never get sick of her company because each time its a little weirder and funnier. Over time I've met new people and new role models but nobody has ever been a great of a role model to me as my mother. She's the stars to my sky and she always will be. I chose my mother to be my lyrics because like lyrics she's the meaning to everything. If you're listening to a song with no lyrics you won't know what the songs about. She's the reason for the whole song. Therefore my mother is my role model, my inspiration and my lyrics.

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Every now and then, as parents, we feel down, and wonder if we are doing right with our children.  We do the best we can with the resources we have available.  But we still doubt ourselves.  And then we find something like the above and realize everything just might turn out OK.  This made my day.

10 Year Anniversary

It was 10 Years ago today that I packed up my things and left my ex.  Today marks a decade for my freedom.  A decade ago today I was lying in the guest room of my parents' home, crying myself to sleep, wondering if I would ever be able to move on.  How would I raise a 2 and 4 year old all by myself?  How will I do it while trying to keep a corporate job?  How will I make ends meet?  How will I stay alive and prevent him from coming after me?  How will I survive?   

The beautiful thing is- after all the craziness I experienced over the years, life has finally settled.  So much so that today came and went. Un-eventfully. Just another peaceful day.  What a gift. 

And I'm happy. I'm finally really happy.  So happy it's scary.  Like I need to pinch myself to prove it's real.  

I wish I could tell that girl in the bed at her parents home- Don't cry. It's all gonna work out.  It's all gonna be worth it in the end.  And you- you're stronger than you think.  You're a survivor.  You will prove to be resilient.  And those kids are all yours. They are resilient too.  So don't waste those tears.  Be be happy. One step at a time.  Just breathe.  

Thank God for all the support that helped me through.  Thank you friends, family and a big thank you to my children.  I would not have made it without you.  

Trip with my dad

I went away with my father in March. We went for two and a half weeks.  Saudi Arabia for a trip to Mecca and then over to Istanbul. My mom and sister watched the kids for me, and I had a friend step I one night too (thanks Farah!) :).  It was a lovely trip and my dad and I got a lot closer.  In fact. I learned that he's a pretty cool guy, and a pretty awesome dad.  I'm really glad I was given the opportunity to travel with him. 

Saudi Arabia was a calming trip for me.  I made peace with a lot of things.  Things I never thought I would let go of.  Like my ex.  Like the abuse.  Like the fact that I was completely unwilling to love or trust again.  I no longer hate my ex.  I prayed for him.  Genuinely.  Sincerely.  I prayed for my friends, for my family.  I prayed for the ability to love and trust again.  For the ability to finally move on. 

And you know what?   I think I will.  For the first time in my life, I think I can move on.  I think I can love again. I think I can be happy. Happy without looking for everyone's agenda.  Happy without a guard up.  

I know. 10 years was a long wait.  But with the 10 year anniversary of my divorce just over a week away, it's almost fitting.  

I look forward to the future.  And I thank my father.  For being a great man.  For encouraging me to make the trip.  But most of all, I thank him for that day when we stood outside the mosque and he put his arm around me and said  "I brought you here to make peace.  Sometimes bad things happen to great people.  That's part of life.  But it's ok to move on now. It's ok to let it go and be happy". 

I love my father.  And I will take his message to heart.  

Thank you daddy.  

Mr. NYC

Remember Mr. NYC?  I think he's married.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he is.  I won't get into how I know, but I found out two weeks ago.

I haven't spoken to him in a really long time.  And I'm not sure why I feel so weirded out by it, but I do.  Maybe it's because I came SO close to marrying him.  Maybe it's because I have wondered for the past couple of years if I made a mistake saying no to him.  Maybe it's the finality of it.  Maybe he was always a possible back up plan in my head (I know, that's totally horrible), but either way, it's how I feel.

Don't get me wrong.  I am happy for him.  He's a great guy and he deserves to be happy.  I just feel weird.  I'm sure in some way or another this totally closed chapter in my life will be better for me.  But right now, I can't help wondering if I let the best thing ever leave my life.  He treated me better than any guy ever did.  Ever.  He loved me sincerely.  I just wasn't able to move for him.  I couldn't do it to the kids, and he wouldn't move here.  Circumstances I guess.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not that I haven't met other great guys.  I have.  Nor am I desperate in any way.  I know I will settle down when I'm ready, IF I'm ever ready.  (I often wonder if I will ever marry again.  I don't know that I will trust anyone enough to open up to them.  The few good guys I met over the past few years, friends and romantically, they have left me feeling like nobody will ever be the one I want/need in my life).  And for that reason, I am by choice, still single, and unsure if I want to be married, ever.

But this one tiny part of me does wonder if I should have taken the leap with Mr. NYC.  I came SO close...

Quiet Holiday season

I took two weeks off over the holidays.   I tried to see if there were any last minute deals to get away, but I wasn't able to find anything.  While I enjoyed the time off (I actually did get some rest)- there is always that something missing when you take 2 weeks off and don't go anywhere.  Either way, I did relax a little, and for that I am really grateful.  And hey- the money I was going to spend on the vacation will now be used to put wood flooring in my living room.  Finally, the disgusting carpet will be gone.

The highlight of the vacation- my friend's husband took the kids out skating on New Year's Eve.  At 10pm.  At the pond next to his house.  He took these floodlights out and lit up the pond for the children.  They had a blast.  I had an awesome time watching them.  It was one of those totally carefree moments you wish your kids could have more of, especially mine who have had loads of stress, and candidly grown up a little too fast.

When the kids came in from skating, my son was blown away by my friend's husband.  He's a police officer, and a fab role model.  I emailed her the next day and thanked her for having us over.  She told me that her husband grew up without a father, and that he wanted me to tell my son that he knows how it feels, and if he ever needs to talk to a guy, give him a call.  My heart melted.  Like really melted.  It brought tears to my eyes.  There are amazing people everywhere, and I am so thankful to those who have offered to be there for my kids in one capacity or another.

So- Today is the last weekday off.  I wish I had another week.  My kids actually slept in.  My son who sleeps a few hours a night because of insomnia actually slept till 11am each day.  I would love to give him another week of that.  The kids rested, watched TV, met with friends.  It was a good relaxing time for all of us.

Back to work on Monday.   Sigh.

Feeling my Age

This would be the first time in a long time that I am feeling my age.  Like REALLY feeling it.

Yesterday, I went for a colonoscopy.  I don't have to get into why, I'm sure we all know what a colonoscopy is for - but needless to say, the fact that all these symptoms are coming up now, it's a bit unsettling.  Knees, digestion, etc.  What will it be next?  I all of a sudden am starting to feel really old.  When I was with the nurse getting prepped, she asked my age.  I told her I was 41.  She was surprised, and thought I was younger.  "You must have bad symptoms to be here before 50 without a family history".  Thanks lady.

Fortunately, it all went well, they found no major issues.  Just minor things that I can live with.

As I came home and let the anesthetic wear off, I all of a sudden realized that I am actually alone in this world.  Yes I have friends, yes I have family, and children.  But one day, maybe 20 or 30 years from now, when the kids are living on their own, I might be like this- lying in bed sick, and completely alone.

This isn't a conversation about marriage.  I know better than anyone that it is very possible to be married and still be alone.  I lived it for 11 years.  But this is a reflection on how life will be 20 years from now, when friends and family and children are busy in their own lives.  Who will be there when we need them?  And no, I am not talking about marriage.  Yes, often having a life partner helps in those situations, but that is truly luck of the draw.  I have had friends who went through cancer/chemo only to find husbands that had affairs during this time, rather than staying by their side.  The world is unpredictable.  And people are fickle.  Not all people, it's all luck of the draw.

We all hope that someone will be there for us.  That we are the ones that fare well in these situations.  But what if nobody is there?

Scary.

My thoughts went to my grandmother who is ill.  She lives with my uncle.  He spends day and night caring for her.  He schedules his work schedule around her.  He blends her food and feeds it to her by hand.  An honorable son indeed, but let's face it.  We can't expect that all of our children will turn out that way.  It's very unlikely, but luck of the draw says that some of them will.  Fingers crossed that those are our children, our friends, our family.

Time will tell, I suppose.  The best insurance policy- eat well, exercise, take those vitamins, and leave the rest to God.  Let's see where we land.

Bad Knees

I always wondered if my mom's knee issues would be passed down to one of us.  I just hoped I wouldn't draw the short straw.

Today I found out that I drew the short straw.

I can't entirely blame genetics (while they are a  factor)- the doctor sited age, weight (I'm not a little girl), and my lovely heels as the main culprits.  This means I will inevitably be a knee candidate a few years from now. How many years that will take depends on how good I am for the next few years.

So I have to eliminate the use of heels.  OK, maybe I will reduce them for now.  I'm not a huge fan of going cold turkey on much of anything, but I will take this seriously.

After I came home from my appointment, I was trying to figure out the impact in my closet (Yes I am a girl.  I had my crying fit first, this was after I calmed down a bit).  With over 100 pairs of shoes, I would estimate that 75% of them are heels.  That's like 75 pairs.  What a waste.

What do you do with 75 pairs of not so wearable high end shoes?  Ebay?

Heartbreaking.  No not the shoes.  I mean the knees too.

:(

Family

Today is Eid.  As I sit here and observe the family and our interactions, I just realized something that saddened me.  Family can be close.  Family will always be there for one another, but there comes a point in life where everyone grows up, gets married (or in my case, divorced), has their own children, and then families and priorities change.  It's not that you don't love each other, because you absolutely do.   It's that you love each other differently.  Your responsibilities to your children will take priority over your responsibility (or time) for siblings.  I'm not sure that it should, but I guess it turns out that way. 

I'm not saying anything bad about family.  It's just that you don't realize how good things are, or how simple they were until you grow up, look back, and realize its gone and a new phase has begun. 

I guess this Eid I'm feeling nostalgic, with a touch of sadness. I wonder if my children realize how good they have it right now, at this very moment. And I wonder when or if they will be in the spot I'm in 20 or so years from now, and if they will be thinking the exact same thing. 

Circle of life I guess.