Last night was my 4th swimming lesson. Each week I learn something new and each week I get a little more confident.
Last week I ditched the floating device and learned how to add in the arms to move myself forward. It was hard. I kept wiping out and had to stop halfway through a lap of the pool. But I felt fab because I was learning to swim without a floater.
This week, I continued on the same lesson. But this time I was able to do 10 laps (not consecutive, I had to take a break after each lap). But at least I didn't have to stop halfway through the lap. I'm getting there.
Yesterday, I had lunch at the food court with a girlfriend who I met after a year. She asked if I'm taking care of myself yet, doing anything for me since the last time we met. My answer to this question is almost always no. Life is busy with work and two kids and their homework. Who has time for anything else?
But this time I was able to say yes. Ive joined a gym with better class hours and am now going 4 times a week rather than 1-2 times a week. I've also started weekly swimming lessons. I've also started making time once every two weeks to have dinner with a friend. Just me time. The kids are just old enough that I can do this. And it feels good. They don't mind me doing things for myself. (They actually want to come and watch my swim lessons!), and they don't mind having 2 hrs to hang at home so I can grab coffee or lunch with a friend once in awhile.
Life is slowly getting better.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Learning to Swim
So I signed up for swimming lessons. I'm 40 and I never learned how to swim. I'm not afraid of the water (on the contrary, I love the water). I just never actually learned.
So I've signed up for 5 months of adult group swim. Yippee :)
After 3 weeks of lessons, I feel optimistic. I think I'm actually going to learn! It's awesome!
Week one I learned how to breathe in the water and kick. (Separately).
Week two I got to be the nerd with the flutter board, and was taught to kick and breathe at the same time. Turn your head to breathe in air, breathe out air in the water and keep kicking.
Week three, lose the flutter board and add the arms. ADD THE ARMS! I was able to do one lap of the pool without a floating device! Yaay!
It's a small thing, but a really big deal for me. It's one thing I've done purely for myself. And the kids have been so supportive. "Mama, you have lessons tonight, mama lets practice".
It's all very sweet. I'm very excited.
So I've signed up for 5 months of adult group swim. Yippee :)
After 3 weeks of lessons, I feel optimistic. I think I'm actually going to learn! It's awesome!
Week one I learned how to breathe in the water and kick. (Separately).
Week two I got to be the nerd with the flutter board, and was taught to kick and breathe at the same time. Turn your head to breathe in air, breathe out air in the water and keep kicking.
Week three, lose the flutter board and add the arms. ADD THE ARMS! I was able to do one lap of the pool without a floating device! Yaay!
It's a small thing, but a really big deal for me. It's one thing I've done purely for myself. And the kids have been so supportive. "Mama, you have lessons tonight, mama lets practice".
It's all very sweet. I'm very excited.
Learning to Heal
Every child is different. Every child heals differently. My kids should not be surprised with the recent events. But they are. And they are learning to deal with life's disappointments. It's a journey.
My son has become very silent. And angry. And bitter. That scares me. But I think in time and with therapy, he will heal. My daughter, who expresses her feelings, is healing much faster.
And I'm proud of her. Three weeks ago, her dad sent a long, threatening letter to her through a cousin who goes to the same school. The rules were you cannot tell your mom I wrote this, you cannot take the letter away and read it alone or photocopy it, you gave to read it in front of your cousin, and you have to give it back to the cousin after reading. WTF?
Anyhow, my daughter opened the 4 paged letter, read the first 3 sentences (which basically blamed her for the deterioration of the relationship with her father) and then she closed the letter, gave it back to her cousin and said she wasn't interested in reading the rest.
Talk about courage. I'm 40 and I can honestly say even I wouldn't have been able to do that. To not know what's in the remaining 4 pages, and to know this letter would be too hurtful, and to have the strength of character to walk away and protect yourself from more hurt at that young an age... Well. Wow.
She's got every nut and bold screwed in just right in that little head of hers. And she can hold her own. And at the young age of 11 she is stronger and more independent than I could ever have imagined. At the age of 11 she's managed herself to a point that it took me 40 years to reach. Amazing.
I'm so happy and grateful that she's doing so well.
And now it's time to nurture my son. The gap there is that the nurturing needs to come from a male role model. He desperately needs it. Fortunately, I have a couple of good friends that can help in that front.
And the journey continues...
My son has become very silent. And angry. And bitter. That scares me. But I think in time and with therapy, he will heal. My daughter, who expresses her feelings, is healing much faster.
And I'm proud of her. Three weeks ago, her dad sent a long, threatening letter to her through a cousin who goes to the same school. The rules were you cannot tell your mom I wrote this, you cannot take the letter away and read it alone or photocopy it, you gave to read it in front of your cousin, and you have to give it back to the cousin after reading. WTF?
Anyhow, my daughter opened the 4 paged letter, read the first 3 sentences (which basically blamed her for the deterioration of the relationship with her father) and then she closed the letter, gave it back to her cousin and said she wasn't interested in reading the rest.
Talk about courage. I'm 40 and I can honestly say even I wouldn't have been able to do that. To not know what's in the remaining 4 pages, and to know this letter would be too hurtful, and to have the strength of character to walk away and protect yourself from more hurt at that young an age... Well. Wow.
She's got every nut and bold screwed in just right in that little head of hers. And she can hold her own. And at the young age of 11 she is stronger and more independent than I could ever have imagined. At the age of 11 she's managed herself to a point that it took me 40 years to reach. Amazing.
I'm so happy and grateful that she's doing so well.
And now it's time to nurture my son. The gap there is that the nurturing needs to come from a male role model. He desperately needs it. Fortunately, I have a couple of good friends that can help in that front.
And the journey continues...
Saturday, October 20, 2012
You Live and Learn, and Sometimes Learn Again
Alot has happened since my last post. My children very reluctantly agreed to see their father in a supervised setting. Knowing the history with my ex, I was nervous about the visit, but wanted to allow the children to make their own choices. I think that was a mistake. My issue was that I don't want to be that mother- the one who over protects her children, makes all the decisions for them, and then one day they grow up and hold you accountable for it. So I want the children to feel empowered and safe. I want them to know that no matter what life gives them, they will always have a safe and happy home. Always. And that will be the baseline of what to expect.
So - My ex was not prepared to meet at the CAS centre but was prepared to meet in a restaurant. I did not feel comfortable with this, but since the children and the CAS were both agreeable to this, I reluctantly agreed.
I warned the CAS that they would need to keep their guard up. I explained that while I understand that my ex has agreed to "terms" including not raising past issues with the children, that I didn't trust him. I told them where I would be (in a restaurant one block away, waiting), and that I would pick the children up right afterwards. I knew it wouldn't go well. I should have trusted my gut. The visit was supposed to last an hour and a half. I was to get a call when the visit was over so that I could go and pick up the children.
Thirty minutes later, as I sipped tea in the window seat at the nearby restaurant, I looked up and saw my two babies standing there, sobbing. It was only thirty minutes into the visit and I knew that it hadn't gone well.
So I went out, grabbed them both and gave them big hugs. "Don't worry. I'm here. It will all be OK". I asked the CAS worker what happened, and it pretty much went as expected. The first few minutes went fine. They looked through photo albums and caught up. And then my ex started pulling out court orders and telling them that their next visits would not be supervised. That they would have to come to his house, or that he will never see them again.
All this in front of the CAS! And they did nothing. I am in shock. They are the CAS. And they did nothing. And they continue to do nothing. It's truly a pathetic joke.
As for the children, they have come home regretting the visit. They are angry and say that they hate their father. My daughter and son have both had trouble sleeping for the past two weeks after the visit.
I spoke to my girlfriend who also happens to be a therapist. She says it's for the best. I let the children make their own choices, and they learned from it. They learned that even after a year, their father is incapable of compassion and love. And they learned not to trust him again.
I just hope it's a lesson they do not have to learn again. I am a mother who loves her children, but even a tough cookie like me can get tired as the years go on.
I think this is what got me to where I am today- exhausted, ragged, and home ill on the verge of bronchitis.
There has to be a better way.
So - My ex was not prepared to meet at the CAS centre but was prepared to meet in a restaurant. I did not feel comfortable with this, but since the children and the CAS were both agreeable to this, I reluctantly agreed.
I warned the CAS that they would need to keep their guard up. I explained that while I understand that my ex has agreed to "terms" including not raising past issues with the children, that I didn't trust him. I told them where I would be (in a restaurant one block away, waiting), and that I would pick the children up right afterwards. I knew it wouldn't go well. I should have trusted my gut. The visit was supposed to last an hour and a half. I was to get a call when the visit was over so that I could go and pick up the children.
Thirty minutes later, as I sipped tea in the window seat at the nearby restaurant, I looked up and saw my two babies standing there, sobbing. It was only thirty minutes into the visit and I knew that it hadn't gone well.
So I went out, grabbed them both and gave them big hugs. "Don't worry. I'm here. It will all be OK". I asked the CAS worker what happened, and it pretty much went as expected. The first few minutes went fine. They looked through photo albums and caught up. And then my ex started pulling out court orders and telling them that their next visits would not be supervised. That they would have to come to his house, or that he will never see them again.
All this in front of the CAS! And they did nothing. I am in shock. They are the CAS. And they did nothing. And they continue to do nothing. It's truly a pathetic joke.
As for the children, they have come home regretting the visit. They are angry and say that they hate their father. My daughter and son have both had trouble sleeping for the past two weeks after the visit.
I spoke to my girlfriend who also happens to be a therapist. She says it's for the best. I let the children make their own choices, and they learned from it. They learned that even after a year, their father is incapable of compassion and love. And they learned not to trust him again.
I just hope it's a lesson they do not have to learn again. I am a mother who loves her children, but even a tough cookie like me can get tired as the years go on.
I think this is what got me to where I am today- exhausted, ragged, and home ill on the verge of bronchitis.
There has to be a better way.
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Back to School
The kids are now back in school. I'm grateful for the structure again, and on the other hand, it means a harder juggle for work-life balance, as it brings homework into the mix, which makes weeknights extra taxing. But such is life.
On another note, I had a week off work during the last week of August. The children enjoyed the time off, and I think I really needed the headspace as well. Work has been really fast paced, and with the introduction of travel and multiple work locations, it feels a bit chaotic. But then again, project work tends to be that way.
So aside from a few day trips with the kids during our week off, we spent a lot of time at home. I had one more thing to deal with- the CAS calling again- it seems the deadbeat dad somehow woke up from 9 months of sleep and decided he somehow wants to be a father again. Must be nice. He currently does not pay child support, and is working under an alias name (Shouldn't that be illegal? Can't he be charged for that? Trust me when I say, I am looking into that avenue).
How is it that the useless deadbeats somehow continue to find new and improved ways to outdo themselves? It's truly remarkable.
So anyhow, back to my story- he has now decided he wants to see the children again. It must be nice to have the ability to drop off the face of the earth for 9 months, tell the CAS you want nothing to do with the children, and then somehow wake up like a total complete piece of shit and decide "Oh wow, I have kids, maybe I should see them again".
And then there is karma. Karma's a bitch.
You see, the CAS has to facilitate a supervised meeting if the children want to see their dad, and if the dad wants to see the children. I, as the supportive mother that I am, have always encouraged the children to have a relationship with their dad and meet him. He is, after all, their father. My differences with him should have nothing to do with their relationship with their dad, as long as that relationship is in a physically and emotionally safe environment (like a CAS supervision center for the time being). I would never want my children to be in a situation where they do not feel empowered. And so, they are 100% empowered to make decisions with the CAS around when (or if) they see their father. They even speak to the CAS privately (I leave the room)- so they can speak freely.
So last week, while I was supposed to be relaxing on vacation, I had 2 CAS visits. They wanted to see if the children would meet their dad. My children said "Yes, but not now. Let's try in a month". The worker was puzzled. Why in a month? Why not now?
My son's response: "Things are finally good. I'm happy. Life is calm and normal. If I see my dad once, he will want to talk on the phone, and see us regularly, and that's just too stressful right now. So maybe in the end of September once I have had a chance to focus on school and think about things".
So the worker asked him- what will be different in the end of Sept? What if you still don't feel ready?
His response (and this is the kicker)- "I might not be ready, and I might want more time. I will know more when we get there, but yes, you are right, I might change my mind again. My dad can be really scary at times, and I just don't need that right now".
And that Sir Deadbeat, is what happens when you mess around with a child's emotions. Sooner or later, they hold you accountable for the games you play, and for all the bullshit you bring into their lives.
You might be able to hurt us financially, but that is just money. We will buy a few less things and God and his universe will keep us going. But you can no longer hurt us emotionally. The children are growing up, and they can stand up for themselves. Stand up both emotionally, and physically. I've mentioned this before, but my son is a black belt for a reason. There will come a day when their dad lashes out physically and when that day comes, my kids will be able to protect themselves. And emotionally- well, as you can see, they have learned to think for themselves, to defend themselves and to be assertive. And that assertiveness is coming out now. They finally have a voice, and all the liberties to have a relationship with both parents on their own terms. For the time being, they have spoken. The children will decide when to see their dad. And for now, that will be the end of September, if they are ready. And if not, they are confident enough to speak out and establish a relationship on their own terms.
I'm glad they are confident, and that they are able to make their own decisions. I'm glad they feel empowered, and I'm glad they are thinking out their choices, and able to be objective. All I want is to raise happy confident children. It looks like they are doing OK. I thank God for that every day.
On another note, I had a week off work during the last week of August. The children enjoyed the time off, and I think I really needed the headspace as well. Work has been really fast paced, and with the introduction of travel and multiple work locations, it feels a bit chaotic. But then again, project work tends to be that way.
So aside from a few day trips with the kids during our week off, we spent a lot of time at home. I had one more thing to deal with- the CAS calling again- it seems the deadbeat dad somehow woke up from 9 months of sleep and decided he somehow wants to be a father again. Must be nice. He currently does not pay child support, and is working under an alias name (Shouldn't that be illegal? Can't he be charged for that? Trust me when I say, I am looking into that avenue).
How is it that the useless deadbeats somehow continue to find new and improved ways to outdo themselves? It's truly remarkable.
So anyhow, back to my story- he has now decided he wants to see the children again. It must be nice to have the ability to drop off the face of the earth for 9 months, tell the CAS you want nothing to do with the children, and then somehow wake up like a total complete piece of shit and decide "Oh wow, I have kids, maybe I should see them again".
And then there is karma. Karma's a bitch.
You see, the CAS has to facilitate a supervised meeting if the children want to see their dad, and if the dad wants to see the children. I, as the supportive mother that I am, have always encouraged the children to have a relationship with their dad and meet him. He is, after all, their father. My differences with him should have nothing to do with their relationship with their dad, as long as that relationship is in a physically and emotionally safe environment (like a CAS supervision center for the time being). I would never want my children to be in a situation where they do not feel empowered. And so, they are 100% empowered to make decisions with the CAS around when (or if) they see their father. They even speak to the CAS privately (I leave the room)- so they can speak freely.
So last week, while I was supposed to be relaxing on vacation, I had 2 CAS visits. They wanted to see if the children would meet their dad. My children said "Yes, but not now. Let's try in a month". The worker was puzzled. Why in a month? Why not now?
My son's response: "Things are finally good. I'm happy. Life is calm and normal. If I see my dad once, he will want to talk on the phone, and see us regularly, and that's just too stressful right now. So maybe in the end of September once I have had a chance to focus on school and think about things".
So the worker asked him- what will be different in the end of Sept? What if you still don't feel ready?
His response (and this is the kicker)- "I might not be ready, and I might want more time. I will know more when we get there, but yes, you are right, I might change my mind again. My dad can be really scary at times, and I just don't need that right now".
And that Sir Deadbeat, is what happens when you mess around with a child's emotions. Sooner or later, they hold you accountable for the games you play, and for all the bullshit you bring into their lives.
You might be able to hurt us financially, but that is just money. We will buy a few less things and God and his universe will keep us going. But you can no longer hurt us emotionally. The children are growing up, and they can stand up for themselves. Stand up both emotionally, and physically. I've mentioned this before, but my son is a black belt for a reason. There will come a day when their dad lashes out physically and when that day comes, my kids will be able to protect themselves. And emotionally- well, as you can see, they have learned to think for themselves, to defend themselves and to be assertive. And that assertiveness is coming out now. They finally have a voice, and all the liberties to have a relationship with both parents on their own terms. For the time being, they have spoken. The children will decide when to see their dad. And for now, that will be the end of September, if they are ready. And if not, they are confident enough to speak out and establish a relationship on their own terms.
I'm glad they are confident, and that they are able to make their own decisions. I'm glad they feel empowered, and I'm glad they are thinking out their choices, and able to be objective. All I want is to raise happy confident children. It looks like they are doing OK. I thank God for that every day.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Visualizing the Future
I often wonder what the future will hold. I have a good friend who is a firm believer in the power of thought and vision. She always tells me that if you visualize something positive with all your energy and rid yourself of fear you can have huge influences on the things that transpire. It all sounds a bit hokey, but I'm starting to think there just might be some truth to it.
Lately, I've been reminding myself that there is justice in the world. At least at some level. Take my ex. I have a good friend that once told me to keep doing what I'm doing and that one day, my kids will take things into their own hands. Now, with the children refusing to see their father for the past 9 months unless he meets on their terms (supervised access), I'm starting to think maybe, just maybe, the universe does balance things out. This is not about me and my negative relationship with my ex. This is about me admiring my children and the way they have been able to empower themselves. I mean, just imagine this... My son often said "watch- one day I will stand up to his bullying". And now, at age 10 and 12, these beautiful children demonstrated the inner strength to stand up to the same bully that I couldn't stand up to when I was 20 years old! They had the courage at age 10 and 12 to make decisions and take actions that I couldn't take until I was 34. Talk about strength. My heros!
I'm so proud and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to be their mother. I learn so much from them every day. And I get to come home and laugh and be loved.
And elsewhere in the city there is a man who pushed this very same relationship away. What a loss.
What is it they say? One man's trash is another man's treasure?
Treasure indeed.
So as I sit here and contemplate my future, one of the things I will seriously do moving forward is put value on positive thinking and visualization.
I know what I want- health, happiness, stability, and strength of character.
Positive visualization :)
Lately, I've been reminding myself that there is justice in the world. At least at some level. Take my ex. I have a good friend that once told me to keep doing what I'm doing and that one day, my kids will take things into their own hands. Now, with the children refusing to see their father for the past 9 months unless he meets on their terms (supervised access), I'm starting to think maybe, just maybe, the universe does balance things out. This is not about me and my negative relationship with my ex. This is about me admiring my children and the way they have been able to empower themselves. I mean, just imagine this... My son often said "watch- one day I will stand up to his bullying". And now, at age 10 and 12, these beautiful children demonstrated the inner strength to stand up to the same bully that I couldn't stand up to when I was 20 years old! They had the courage at age 10 and 12 to make decisions and take actions that I couldn't take until I was 34. Talk about strength. My heros!
I'm so proud and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to be their mother. I learn so much from them every day. And I get to come home and laugh and be loved.
And elsewhere in the city there is a man who pushed this very same relationship away. What a loss.
What is it they say? One man's trash is another man's treasure?
Treasure indeed.
So as I sit here and contemplate my future, one of the things I will seriously do moving forward is put value on positive thinking and visualization.
I know what I want- health, happiness, stability, and strength of character.
Positive visualization :)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Graduation Day
My daughter had her grade 5 graduation on Thursday. She was all excited- beautiful dress, beautiful shoes, all excited to start middle school in September. I am so thrilled that she is embracing change so well.
As the graduation song started and the little graduates walked in, I found myself crying. I was the only parent in tears. But think about it. I raised her pretty much on my own. She was only 2 when I separated from my ex. And I put a lot of work to grow that little two year old into a 10 year old girl who will now be in middle school. As I watched this beautiful young girl walk confidently across the stage, I couldn't help but think of all the phases and events we went through to get her here. All the love, all the work, all the tears, all the struggles, all the court battles, all the conversations, all the encouragement, all the hope...
And here we are. And look how beautiful and confident she is. She has a great head on her shoulders. She turned out exactly how I would have hoped.
I am so proud of my little girl. And so thankful to God for the strength and support to get to this point.
So much to be thankful for....
As the graduation song started and the little graduates walked in, I found myself crying. I was the only parent in tears. But think about it. I raised her pretty much on my own. She was only 2 when I separated from my ex. And I put a lot of work to grow that little two year old into a 10 year old girl who will now be in middle school. As I watched this beautiful young girl walk confidently across the stage, I couldn't help but think of all the phases and events we went through to get her here. All the love, all the work, all the tears, all the struggles, all the court battles, all the conversations, all the encouragement, all the hope...
And here we are. And look how beautiful and confident she is. She has a great head on her shoulders. She turned out exactly how I would have hoped.
I am so proud of my little girl. And so thankful to God for the strength and support to get to this point.
So much to be thankful for....
Friday, June 22, 2012
Closing the Chapter with Dr Clive
Today I went to doctor Clive's office to pickup copies of our files- (most recent blood work etc). I delayed it until the last minute because I just didn't have the heart to do it. But tomorrow, all the files will be shipped to a storage centre, so this was pretty much my last chance. I'm glad I did it- the file contains a lot of details- correspondence between professionals about my divorce, details on CAS files, documentation about my son's ADHD, and so on- it's all stuff I might eventually need one day.
As I said goodbye to his nurse, I couldn't hold back my tears. She gave me a hug and told me I was one of his favorite patients. I told her I kind of already knew that. I loved Dr. Clive like a father.
I took one last look at the empty office, the empty shelves, wiped away my tears and left with my files.
He will be missed. And no doctor will be able to fill that void. Not ever.
Still- I feel honored and blessed to have known him. And for that I will always be grateful.
Rest in peace my friend. Sending love and prayers your way.
As I said goodbye to his nurse, I couldn't hold back my tears. She gave me a hug and told me I was one of his favorite patients. I told her I kind of already knew that. I loved Dr. Clive like a father.
I took one last look at the empty office, the empty shelves, wiped away my tears and left with my files.
He will be missed. And no doctor will be able to fill that void. Not ever.
Still- I feel honored and blessed to have known him. And for that I will always be grateful.
Rest in peace my friend. Sending love and prayers your way.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Sprained Ankle
At least, I hope it`s just a sprain...I`m still waiting for the x-ray results...should know in an hour or so.
I was running to catch the train yesterday and I took a flip. I thought I`d just shake it off...so I went to work. By the end of the day, my ankle was the size of a huge tree trunk and I could not stand on it. Serves me right for being so dumb!
Anyhow, the most fortunate thing in the world is that I have a flexible job. I can work from just about anywhere so I spent today with my leg up, iced and on pain killers. Yaay for pain killers!
On the children`s front, let`s see how things go. I spoke to the CAS and they have basically confirmed that after all the stunts my ex has pulled, he does not have a hope in hell for joint custody, for more access or anything like that.
My lawyer always said that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself...Thankfully, I think she was right.
Things on the CAS front should taper off in a month or so.
Regarding my ex, he still emails me, calls me, stalks me. His last call was basically to tell me that he refuses to work with CAS and will only see the kids if I give him joint custody. I said no, he said the kids will grow up without a dad and it will be my fault. I told him he was a jerk for abandoning the kids and then threatening me over it.
Then a week later he tried emailing my son, on his school account, again. Sigh. My son will not reply. He is afraid of his father. I think my ex believes that if he can start communication with the kids outside the CAS he can somehow bypass them completely. Fat chance. He needs to do what makes the kids feel safe. And he needs to understand that this is not about his needs, it`s about the kids and their needs.
I wonder if once they grow up- will they realize how much I went out of my way to keep them safe, or will they take it all for granted?
I was running to catch the train yesterday and I took a flip. I thought I`d just shake it off...so I went to work. By the end of the day, my ankle was the size of a huge tree trunk and I could not stand on it. Serves me right for being so dumb!
Anyhow, the most fortunate thing in the world is that I have a flexible job. I can work from just about anywhere so I spent today with my leg up, iced and on pain killers. Yaay for pain killers!
On the children`s front, let`s see how things go. I spoke to the CAS and they have basically confirmed that after all the stunts my ex has pulled, he does not have a hope in hell for joint custody, for more access or anything like that.
My lawyer always said that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself...Thankfully, I think she was right.
Things on the CAS front should taper off in a month or so.
Regarding my ex, he still emails me, calls me, stalks me. His last call was basically to tell me that he refuses to work with CAS and will only see the kids if I give him joint custody. I said no, he said the kids will grow up without a dad and it will be my fault. I told him he was a jerk for abandoning the kids and then threatening me over it.
Then a week later he tried emailing my son, on his school account, again. Sigh. My son will not reply. He is afraid of his father. I think my ex believes that if he can start communication with the kids outside the CAS he can somehow bypass them completely. Fat chance. He needs to do what makes the kids feel safe. And he needs to understand that this is not about his needs, it`s about the kids and their needs.
I wonder if once they grow up- will they realize how much I went out of my way to keep them safe, or will they take it all for granted?
Monday, May 07, 2012
Stalking the Kids
I think my ex is getting just a bit crazier every day. Since he has had no contact with the children, and refused to work with the CAS, he basically doesn't get to see them. It has been peaceful for awhile, but he recently resorted to trying to reach out to the kids on his own. For example, he sent my son an email at his school account. I think he thought he would pull a fast one on all of us. He didn't realize that the kids don't want anything to do with him, especially since he refused to work with CAS. So my son, being the smart kid that he is, called me from school to tell me about the email. He was very upset. I told him we would talk about it when he came home.
When he got home, I asked how he wanted to handle it. His solution: Do nothing. No reply, don't even acknowledge it. I'm not surprised. That's kind of been my approach. He must be my son.
So next, my ex tells his niece to give messages to my son at school. This really upset my son, and put him in a position where not only does he see his dad for the freak that he is, but he is in a spot where he debated breaking ties with his cousin. I told him that this may not be the best approach. I told him to talk to his cousin and express how he feels. So he went back to school and told his cousin not to give him any more messages from his dad.
The interesting thing about all this is that my ex is his own worst enemy. He's basically making the kids hate him. His one chance was to work with the CAS, but he gave them a boot.
My lawyer was right. She always said "give a man enough rope and he will hang himself". All I've had to do is let things unfold on their own. The kids are running the show here. But they seem to be doing just fine.
It's the first time that I have been able to breathe through the insanity.
My babies are growing up...
When he got home, I asked how he wanted to handle it. His solution: Do nothing. No reply, don't even acknowledge it. I'm not surprised. That's kind of been my approach. He must be my son.
So next, my ex tells his niece to give messages to my son at school. This really upset my son, and put him in a position where not only does he see his dad for the freak that he is, but he is in a spot where he debated breaking ties with his cousin. I told him that this may not be the best approach. I told him to talk to his cousin and express how he feels. So he went back to school and told his cousin not to give him any more messages from his dad.
The interesting thing about all this is that my ex is his own worst enemy. He's basically making the kids hate him. His one chance was to work with the CAS, but he gave them a boot.
My lawyer was right. She always said "give a man enough rope and he will hang himself". All I've had to do is let things unfold on their own. The kids are running the show here. But they seem to be doing just fine.
It's the first time that I have been able to breathe through the insanity.
My babies are growing up...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Gratitude Journal
I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago. A friend told me that it would give me perspective and help me learn to appreciate all the good I have in my life. So I took her advice, and I have to say, it was a fab idea.
I'm not saying it instantly makes everything better- we still have problems, and I have more than my fair share,and candidly, they just seem to be getting bigger. But when you spend 5 mins a day being thankful for our blessings, the problems feel just a slight bit more manageable.
For example, when Dr. Clive passed away, I forced myself to write in the journal. I was grateful to have known such an incredible human being. I was grateful to have been blessed enough to have him in my life. And I was grateful to have had him in my life as long as he was with us. The process of writing in the journal made me feel a whole lot better.
I also found that the more I stuck to the routine of "counting my blessings" the more I realized just how many blessings I have. As much as I do have my share of garbage to deal with, I also have a lot to be thankful for.
So today, I am grateful for my gratitude journal, and for the friend who encouraged me to write in it. :)
I'm not saying it instantly makes everything better- we still have problems, and I have more than my fair share,and candidly, they just seem to be getting bigger. But when you spend 5 mins a day being thankful for our blessings, the problems feel just a slight bit more manageable.
For example, when Dr. Clive passed away, I forced myself to write in the journal. I was grateful to have known such an incredible human being. I was grateful to have been blessed enough to have him in my life. And I was grateful to have had him in my life as long as he was with us. The process of writing in the journal made me feel a whole lot better.
I also found that the more I stuck to the routine of "counting my blessings" the more I realized just how many blessings I have. As much as I do have my share of garbage to deal with, I also have a lot to be thankful for.
So today, I am grateful for my gratitude journal, and for the friend who encouraged me to write in it. :)
Sunday, April 15, 2012
In 5 Years...
I bought a new car in February. Nothing fancy. A little Mazda 3, but it's a cute peppy little car. When I bought it, I remember telling one of my friends "It's not the BMW I wanted, but I can't afford that car right now. Maybe I will sell this in 3 years and get my BMW".
My friend's response- You will do no such thing. He said "You do realize that in 5 years' time, your son will be just going to college and will need a new car. I think you should hold onto this one for 5 years so you can pass it down to him".
My reaction- complete shock. I mean, he is only 12 years old. I never thought about college. That's such a big-boy thing. I can't even imagine high school. I was completely frozen when he said it.
My son's reaction (he was in earshot)- Yeah! This is MY CAR!!!
Kids.
The upside- he is taking really good care of the car. He is the first to clean the inside, to tell his sister "don't eat in my car!" and to remind me when we need to car wash it so it keeps well.
Too funny. Well, that's silver lining for you.
My friend's response- You will do no such thing. He said "You do realize that in 5 years' time, your son will be just going to college and will need a new car. I think you should hold onto this one for 5 years so you can pass it down to him".
My reaction- complete shock. I mean, he is only 12 years old. I never thought about college. That's such a big-boy thing. I can't even imagine high school. I was completely frozen when he said it.
My son's reaction (he was in earshot)- Yeah! This is MY CAR!!!
Kids.
The upside- he is taking really good care of the car. He is the first to clean the inside, to tell his sister "don't eat in my car!" and to remind me when we need to car wash it so it keeps well.
Too funny. Well, that's silver lining for you.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Still a Deadbeat...
Once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat.
So here is what I don't get...why does our legal system allow for a proven asshole to keep showing his assholeness while the great parents (like myself) continue to deal with the garbage, without an end in sight?
My ex has basically refused to work with the CAS. He has told them that they have no business being involved in our family. And he hung up on them. And then he called me with an ultimatum. Either I bypass the CAS, give him 50/50 custody and 50/50 access or he will refuse to see the children ever again.
Seriously - WTF?
The kids have told him that they are afraid to see him unsupervised. They have told him they do not want to live with him 50% of the time. Yet he basically is following through on his original threat - he is having another child with his new wife (yes you read correctly- the baby is due in the beginning of June), and he has basically followed through on his original threat. He wants the children to comply to his 50/50 demands or he will start a new family and never see them again.
A serious grade A jerk. And the messed up thing...he thinks he is father of the year. I just don't get it. People are really really stupid.
While given the circumstances, the children are probably better off without the instability from their father, I know this will be difficult for them, and my heart bleeds for them. I wish I could take all their sorrows and deal with them on my children's behalf.
Needless to say, all this is very emotionally disturbing for the children. I am trying to keep them positive, and I am reminding myself (and the children) that after hardship always comes ease. This may not feel fair at this time, but God is the master planner, and there is always a reason for everything. This will all be for the better, and one day they will understand why. But today is not that day.
Hoping this will eventually lead to a more stable life for my babies....yes, I know they are 12 and 10, but they will always be babies to me.
So here is what I don't get...why does our legal system allow for a proven asshole to keep showing his assholeness while the great parents (like myself) continue to deal with the garbage, without an end in sight?
My ex has basically refused to work with the CAS. He has told them that they have no business being involved in our family. And he hung up on them. And then he called me with an ultimatum. Either I bypass the CAS, give him 50/50 custody and 50/50 access or he will refuse to see the children ever again.
Seriously - WTF?
The kids have told him that they are afraid to see him unsupervised. They have told him they do not want to live with him 50% of the time. Yet he basically is following through on his original threat - he is having another child with his new wife (yes you read correctly- the baby is due in the beginning of June), and he has basically followed through on his original threat. He wants the children to comply to his 50/50 demands or he will start a new family and never see them again.
A serious grade A jerk. And the messed up thing...he thinks he is father of the year. I just don't get it. People are really really stupid.
While given the circumstances, the children are probably better off without the instability from their father, I know this will be difficult for them, and my heart bleeds for them. I wish I could take all their sorrows and deal with them on my children's behalf.
Needless to say, all this is very emotionally disturbing for the children. I am trying to keep them positive, and I am reminding myself (and the children) that after hardship always comes ease. This may not feel fair at this time, but God is the master planner, and there is always a reason for everything. This will all be for the better, and one day they will understand why. But today is not that day.
Hoping this will eventually lead to a more stable life for my babies....yes, I know they are 12 and 10, but they will always be babies to me.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Saying Goodbye to Dr. Clive
My good friends know how special Dr. Clive was in our lives. I wrote about him in an earlier post. He was our MD. I met him when I was 2 years old, 38 years ago, and he has been with our family for the entire 38 years. While our relationship with him was strictly professional, and he was a very serious professional (he maintained confidentiality at all times, never stepped outside of proper medical practice, never misrepresented anything), I can honestly say that I would never have made it this far without him. He is the person who held me up. When I was married and went in with the bruises on my face, he documented them, despite my begging him not to. I was so afraid that my then-husband would find out that I had a paper trail on the bruises, I begged him not to write anything down. He told me as a professional he had to, and he told me I would thank him later. And I did. He had so much wisdom.
He watched my life unfold. He was there when I started kinder-garden, when I moved on through school into high school. He was there when I first met my ex. He watched me get married, have children, go through my divorce, and he encouraged me as I struggled through rebuilding my life. He is the MD for my children, my grandparents, my parents, uncles, aunts, siblings. He counseled me. He let me cry on his shoulder for half an hour at a time and never rushed me. He gave me a hug every time I left his office and he reassured me that I would get through this, that I am a strong girl, that I am a great mother, and that one day, I would learn to love and trust again. And even during my many rants about how horrible my ex was, he would remind me that yes horrible things happened to me, and yes, he was not right for me, but that mental illness is not that clear cut and that while I shouldn't spend my life with an abusive man, and while I should continue to protect my children, I should still always wish well for my ex, because some of this is his mental illness acting out. What a kind, patient, and loving human being.
A week and a half ago, Dr. Clive passed away unexpectedly. He had a heart attack. I found out the day after the funeral, and I have been devastated ever since. I haven't told the children, I couldn't do it, because they absolutely adore him. And for me, this leaves a massive void. You see, yes he was a professional, and yes it was a professional relationship. But Dr. Clive was an honest man, a good man, and despite everything, he still demonstrated the incredible ability to act honorably.
Most of all- he gave me hope that there could be a few good men left in the world. That not all men hurt people and break hearts. That not all men are driven by greed. I haven't met many great men, I can probably only name a handful of them, but he definitely was one, and that itself was inspiring.
I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago. And on the night that I heard of his passing, at first, I had no desire to write in it. I felt miserable. I cried for days. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And then I forced myself to do it, if nothing else, to honor the man that gave me so much guidance and perspective in life. And the things I was thankful for that night were:
He watched my life unfold. He was there when I started kinder-garden, when I moved on through school into high school. He was there when I first met my ex. He watched me get married, have children, go through my divorce, and he encouraged me as I struggled through rebuilding my life. He is the MD for my children, my grandparents, my parents, uncles, aunts, siblings. He counseled me. He let me cry on his shoulder for half an hour at a time and never rushed me. He gave me a hug every time I left his office and he reassured me that I would get through this, that I am a strong girl, that I am a great mother, and that one day, I would learn to love and trust again. And even during my many rants about how horrible my ex was, he would remind me that yes horrible things happened to me, and yes, he was not right for me, but that mental illness is not that clear cut and that while I shouldn't spend my life with an abusive man, and while I should continue to protect my children, I should still always wish well for my ex, because some of this is his mental illness acting out. What a kind, patient, and loving human being.
A week and a half ago, Dr. Clive passed away unexpectedly. He had a heart attack. I found out the day after the funeral, and I have been devastated ever since. I haven't told the children, I couldn't do it, because they absolutely adore him. And for me, this leaves a massive void. You see, yes he was a professional, and yes it was a professional relationship. But Dr. Clive was an honest man, a good man, and despite everything, he still demonstrated the incredible ability to act honorably.
Most of all- he gave me hope that there could be a few good men left in the world. That not all men hurt people and break hearts. That not all men are driven by greed. I haven't met many great men, I can probably only name a handful of them, but he definitely was one, and that itself was inspiring.
I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago. And on the night that I heard of his passing, at first, I had no desire to write in it. I felt miserable. I cried for days. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. And then I forced myself to do it, if nothing else, to honor the man that gave me so much guidance and perspective in life. And the things I was thankful for that night were:
- That I was blessed enough to know such an honorable, honest man, and to have him in our lives for 38 years.
- That Dr. Clive was able to help me and my children in such a profound way- while he felt bad for my ex's mental situation, he took the responsibility of writing to the courts and informing them of how dangerous he was towards me and the children.
- That I was able to make it through my most difficult years because of the support of people like Dr. Clive and other professionals.
- That God loved me and blessed me with support. He did not leave me on my own.
Goodbye Dr. Clive. We love you. And we hope you are in a better place. God Bless.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Away from their Dad
The kids haven't seen their dad in about 3 months time. After standing up to him in December and telling him that it was not OK for him to stress them out and boss them around, they asked to have some space from him. I think he took that as a slap in the face. I think he expected them to take his side. And his response- no contact. No phone calls, no requests to patch up a relationship. He even refused to meet with the CAS. My understanding is that the CAS is continuing to reach out to him. He told them in December that he doesn't want anything to do with the children.
The next thing- an email he sent to me saying that he is basically not mentally well, and that he is unable to pay child support because he is not employed. I was married to the deadbeat, so it's not unlike him to shirk out of financial responsibilities.
Not the biggest surprise. I'm guessing this was always about money. He never cared for anything except eliminating the child support. I doubt he ever seriously wanted more time with the children. I guess if he didn't get it one way, and now that the children have refused to see him, he's trying to get it another way.
For the moment, I'm enjoying the peace. It's financially difficult, but let's face it, he always was a deadbeat dad. I think my next step will be to register with the family responsibility office.
Never a dull moment. What a sack of dirt.
The next thing- an email he sent to me saying that he is basically not mentally well, and that he is unable to pay child support because he is not employed. I was married to the deadbeat, so it's not unlike him to shirk out of financial responsibilities.
Not the biggest surprise. I'm guessing this was always about money. He never cared for anything except eliminating the child support. I doubt he ever seriously wanted more time with the children. I guess if he didn't get it one way, and now that the children have refused to see him, he's trying to get it another way.
For the moment, I'm enjoying the peace. It's financially difficult, but let's face it, he always was a deadbeat dad. I think my next step will be to register with the family responsibility office.
Never a dull moment. What a sack of dirt.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
40 Already?
On the other hand, I had a few not so nice people remind me that it "only goes downhill from here", that "gravity kicks in" at 40, and oh yes, my personal favorite "it's been 8 years since your divorce- when will live ever be stable?" ---seriously? Have you seen my asshole ex? Cut me some slack here.
Anyhow, trying to ignore the negativity...trying to be positive.
On a really positive note, my sister threw me one heck of a diva birthday party. That was pretty darned fabulous. It was a dinner with the diva women around me, the ones I have come to love and adore. It was great to have all that lovely female support on a day when I really needed it. There was a reason that party was for women only. It was a lovely reminder of the strength and power we gain from the sisterhood of women. God bless each and every one of them.
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