Back to Work Tomorrow

I go back to work tomorrow. This weekend was very draining, and yet I spent the whole time at home. One tip to the world...Children are much easier to handle when you are able to do activities with them. Keeping them in the house to avoid further head injury is no fun at all.

I'm in a weird space today. I go back to work tomorrow, and I just don't feel like I can do it. Part of me wants to spend another day at home with my son (yes...I know...I just finished complaining that it has been draining), and the other part of me wants to stay home and sleep and go to the gym and feel like me again. There is only a teeny weenie part that actually wants to go to the office tomorrow, to get out of the 'at home' routine, but mostly I don't feel up to it.

Then again, who knows how I'll feel in the morning. Tomorrow is, after all, a new day. I do have the little matter of the meeting with the school tomorrow morning....I haven't gone to sleep yet, or woken up, and I already have that I-want-to-go-back-to-bed feeling. Sigh. That just says it all.

I need a vacation...

A Saturday at Home

I am not a homebody. Spending an entire day at home is hard for me. Spending an entire Saturday at home is even harder. Spending an entire Saturday with two children who keep saying 'can we please go outside' is the pits.

I'm trying to keep my son indoors. If I let him outside, he'll run, and I'm afraid because of the stitches. If I keep him indoors, I'm hoping that I can keep him somewhat contained, but he is SO bored. Heck, I'm bored. You can only do so many puzzles and board games. Now he wants to watch TV. How do you avoid a 6 hour TV day, or is it ok when a child is sick? My guilty side says no way, it's wrong to let a child watch that much TV, but my logical side says yes, let him, it's only one day, and the fact that he won't be bumping his head and busting open those stitches is worth it. Am I the only parent in the world who has guilty bouts?

Stitches

Some days I just don't get it. It's weird...I'm working away and around 12:30pm I get a call from my son's school. They said he was running and fell (typical for my son), and that he wanted to speak to me. They told me not to worry, that he's ok, he just bumped his head.

So my son came on the phone and said that he wanted me to pick him up, because he didn't feel well and wanted to "take some rest". Anyone who knows my son knows that he is the human version of the energizer bunny. 'Rest' is seldomly in his vocabulary. He said his head was aching and asked that I please come and pick him up. I spoke again to the teacher who said that he was probably exaggerating so that he could come home. My gut told me that it was unlike him to fake sick, and that since I was working from home anyway, it wouldn't hurt to pick him up and bring him home to rest.

When I got to the school, I called him over and checked his head. To my surprise, there was a small gash, and it was still bleeding. I showed it to the teacher, and she said that "he must have scratched it, because it wasn't like that" when she called me.

I'm not trying to criticize, but there is a very big difference between a gash and a scratch. I'm not trying to blame anyone. My son is totally the type to run and bump his head. When he was three he always had bruises on his legs from running and tripping, falling off his bike, etc. It's not new for him. My concern was that the school was downplaying it, and he clearly needed to see a doctor. What would have happened if I didn't follow my gut and come to get him? I didn't say anything further to them, but I did take him to the doctor immediately.

When I got to the doctors, the nurses said he would need stitches. My daughter was crying hysterically the whole while, as the thought of a needle sewing up her brother was too much for her. She was a total mess. When my son saw the needle, he went into hysterics, and I had to hold him down. The doctor said he only needed a couple of stitches, so there was no time to freeze. (Yikes). I held him down, the doctor stitched him up, and we were set to leave with a big huge bandage wrapped around his head. Honestly, he looks like the kid from the old logo for the Sick Kids Hospital. Huge bandages for a small gash...But anyway, we got home by the end of the work day, and all is well.

The good news is that I was actually working from home today. Had I been downtown it would have taken me an hour and a half to get home. I am very thankful for my luck that these events landed on a Friday. The bad news is, I didn't actually get much work done. Sigh. That's expected I suppose, but I foresee many late working nights this weekend to accommodate. A day in the life of a single mom...

Cherryblossom?

I came home at 6pm...To my parent's home to pick up the children. My son came running to the door, gave me a big hug and said. "Mommy I missed you! You're my lovely cherryblossom!"

What the?

I have no idea where this kid picks up these things. He is absolutely hilarious. He told me I had the prettiest face he's ever seen. Gee whiz. Why can't I find a MAN who would talk to me like that? I know...Sounds sick...But what I mean is, it's sad that the only person who talks to me like that is my 6 year old boy....Sigh.

So I have the children for the next 4 nights. I am so excited to spend time with them. What fun. I've totally missed them lately. I think I'm going to have one movie night for them...Popcorn and all...Should be fun. I plan to inflate the pool again for them as well, and call their friends over to play. I'm such a sucker for the children....Especially when I get called their "lovely cherryblossom"... :)

The Cultural Weekend

I got more exposure to Pak culture this weekend than I think I've had in a year. I have to say, the friends I was with were nice, but the rest of the stuff....Not sure. I went to a show at Canada's Wonderland on Sunday (which had good parts and boring parts), and then to a Pakistani gala event on Monday. I think I'm jarred for life, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't feel it with the community.

The friend that I was with pointed out that it would be good to forgive and move on. If people wrong you, it's better to forgive...While it's nice for him to say, and I do admire his perspective, I'm not sure I can change it. I know we should all own our actions and the consequences that result from them, but somehow I feel like this community has had a large part to play in the negative events of my life. Here are a few reasons why:

• When I was dating my ex, the fact that the Pakistani community found out was a very big deal. Dating was not allowed in a culture of arranged marriage so I was shunned badly for my actions
• My decision to marry my then boyfriend resulted in a major blow reputation wise to myself. I was the most likely to have an arranged marriage, and for me to go against this tradition was a big deal
• 600 people attended my wedding, a wedding that my parents supported, albeit hesitantly. They all came and acted like they were happy for me, but the rumor mill and the things that came back to me convinced me that these people were not my friends, that the entire thing was just for show...And made me a bit upset because it was one master game....Everything was about appearances and image
• When I was on my honeymoon, I got my first black eye. I wanted to file for divorce, wanted to be able to walk away, but after facing what I faced to fight for the wedding, the community would eat me up alive, and my family too. I had a brother and sister who still wanted to marry in this community, and so, I (wrongly) felt that my only option was to stay in the marriage for my family's sake...For their reputation, for their name.
• When my brother was married and my sister was getting married, I reached a point where I could no longer tolerate the marriage. True, my timing for ending things was wrong (weeks before my sister's wedding), but I was finally free
• I can not explain the amount of garbage I had to deal with for going through the divorce. I was told that a good woman never walks out. A good mother sacrifices for her children. Clearly, they don't see me as either of those. What can I say? I always thought I was a good person...
• I went to this gala event after 2 years of staying out of the community. I knew a few people in the room, the same people who had a great deal to say about me in the past. I chose not to get up and greet anyone. I chose to stay with my friend and not move. I'm not sure if it was a good choice or not, but being in that environment again after so long was just too odd for me. It weirded me out. Funny enough, the person I was with is a very proud Pakistani man, and I did admire his enthusiasm. I think it was his enthusiasm that convinced me to go, and to stay when I was there. Despite everything else, I enjoyed the company.

Don't get me wrong....I don't mind the culture. Given, I may not be the biggest Indo/Pak movie/music fan, but I actually don't mind it....It's just not always my thing. I love the clothes, the food, and the country itself is fun. I guess maybe it's the community that I take issue with.

As I'm typing I'm realizing something....I'm doing to the community what the world does to Muslims...Letting a small handful of people ruin it for the entire lot, and judging the whole for the actions of a few bad apples...hmmm...Maybe that's food for thought. In the meantime, I'll continue to hide out in my little world, that is, until the next time a friend asks me to join them for an event that's important to them :)

It's not quite as good as forgiveness, but I guess it's a start. :)

Rise and Shine

I woke up to two sets of eyes peering at me. The children were sitting up in bed, apparently waiting for me to wake up. As soon as my eyes opened, my daughter said "rise and shine princess mommy"...

"And good morning to you too....What time is it?" I looked at the clock...6am. GOOD GOD. Why don't children sleep in? Man I was so tired. And they were wired. Bad combination.

"OK- I'm up....What would you like to do?" They started jumping up and down on the bed.

"Scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs!".....OI....My head. OK Scrambled eggs. I wish I would learn to sleep earlier at night. They sleep at 8, I sleep at 2am, they wake up at 6am, and I am basically screwed. My fault...Totally my fault.

So here I am, full blown headache. But it's my fault. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing in the world better than waking up to my princess saying "rise and shine" and showering me with her butterfly kisses. It's the most awesome thing in the world. Just...The 6am part is brutal :)

So, I have the children with me until 2pm today, and then they are off to their dad's place. She is already protesting and saying she doesn't want to go, she'd rather stay with me. This is emotionally difficult. For me, for her, and yes, for her dad.

Anyhow, I have dinner with an out of town friend tonight, so I have to get my laundry etc done so I can actually relax and chill this evening. Looking forward to spending time with my friend. I'm trying to see if I can find us a last minute Summerlicious cancellation...no luck yet. :(

Stargazer Lilies

Stargazer Lilies are my favourite flower. There is only one person who ever figured that one out, and that was recently, and kind of by accident. I've loved the flower for years...It has a fragrant smell, and it's big and beautiful. My ex didn't know it was my favourite flower. I never had the heart to tell him. When we were 16 I absolutely loved pink roses. My ex knew that. So, whenever he bought me flowers, they usually included pink roses. I found the gesture so thoughtful that I never wanted to burst his bubble and tell him that I was growing tired of the pink roses. No worries...The thought of him going out of his way to buy me what he thought was my favourite flower was more than enough for me.

Anyhow, when I put the offer on this house, I noticed the stargazer lilies planted in the front garden. Maybe 20 or 30 of them. This was like an omen to me. I loved the outside of the house before I even stepped foot inside. I felt like it called to me. I know...I'm being dramatic and emotional, but that's how it was. And it was a dramatic and emotional experience. Purchasing your first new home after a divorce- the first thing that is actually all your very own was a very big deal.

Anyhow, this year, the lilies came out around the time of the divorce (July 4th). I noticed them in the garden and smiled every time I saw them, but I never took the time to actually sit outside and enjoy them or to enjoy their fragrance. I kept saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

This morning, I was putting the children outside and I noticed that the petals have fallen off the last lily. I never even took the time to enjoy them. How sad. Perhaps it was the heat, maybe I didn't water them enough, or maybe it's just the fact that stargazer lilies only live for a few weeks, and these were around for 3 whole weeks. I just didn't enjoy them. I was so caught up in the details around the divorce, the paperwork, etc....That I just didn't make the time to stop and enjoy, even if just for a few short seconds.

I'm not being hard on myself or anything. Just observing. I promised to always take time to smell the flowers, and this time, I didn't do it...Literally. Next year, I'm going to sit on the porch and read right there, so that I can enjoy the flowers for the short time that they are around.

Sunglasses at Night

I was upstairs putting away the laundry. I don't know why I was so tunnel visioned, but I didn't even notice the music on in the house. I came downstairs to put in another load, and there was my son, dancing his heart out to my 80's CDs.

"Where did you find those?"
"In the box"
"What made you put them in?"
"I wanted to hear good music"

Funny...These are my 80's CDs. I'm talking pre-highschool. Like grade 6-8. How he found the few I had left and put them in I'll never know. It was very comical. He was shaking his butt side to side, just loving every moment.

"Well then...Carry on and enjoy"...And I went downstairs to put in the laundry. As I came up, he asked if I wanted to hear his favourite song. Sure, why not. It's not like I won't know it...These are, after all, my CDs...

He gleefully puts on Corey Hart...Sunglasses at Night. Too funny. I haven't heard that song since...God knows how long. It took me back. He talked about how great the beat was, and I laughed.

My son is into retro music. The retro he likes is from my "era". Kind of when I started listening to the Beatles and my parents said they could listen to it with me. GOD I feel old. How hilarious.

I need a Vacation

OK - A vacation and a party :)

The divorce came and went...No issues. Not that I was hoping for issues or anything, I'm quite grateful that I didn't have to deal with many, except for the occasional mood swings from my ex. Thankfully, he's avoiding me these days. I think he's fed up of bugging me. Hooray for some good news.

I find that I'm getting to that point again. The point where I feel like I need a break. I've taken time off this year in March and a day or so here or there, but these days, it just feels different. I've marked the end of a two year hellish ordeal, and I think the occasion deserves a treat. Even if it costs my line of credit. I mean, this is a milestone, is it not? The end to an era. I think I do need to do something different...Something drastically different from the ordinary routine. I might just do something spontaneous and take off somewhere on my own. Then again, all this thought makes it not-so-spontaneous doesn't it?

As for everything else, it's all going well. I've been putting in some late nights to catch up on things at the office. Another week and I think I'll have them exactly where I want them. I hate it when I fall behind. Then again, if I take off and vacation somewhere, I'll be right back where I started :(

On another note, I'm glad to say the sunburn is healing. Needless to say, I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Not the swimming part, just the forgetting sunblock part. Speaking of which, I noticed something at the pool on Saturday. My daughter who is afraid of water (or so she claims), may be that way because of me. When I changed and came out, she was sitting along the pool and refusing to get in. This is typical for her, whether it is a pool, sprinkler, or anything else. When she saw me get in, she jumped right in and had a great time. I'm wondering if she avoids the water because I do? That would be a really bad thing, and probably a good example of negative role modeling, even if it wasn't intentional. Either way, I hope to change that in the near future. I wonder what other things she picks up from me, or am I just being too sensitive?

The Joys of Juggling a Flex Schedule

I'm totally grateful for the flexibility I have at the office. It's almost 7:30 and I'm still here working, because tonight is the night my ex has the children. Mondays and Wednesdays are his nights (for the summer due to soccer schedules). Tuesdays and Thursdays I leave the office early like 4 or 4:30 and Fridays I work a full schedule but at home. It's funny how I juggle everything around the children. But I'm really lucky, because not many single moms out there have this luxury. I'm glad I work for a great company and for an awesome boss.

I figure I'll put in another hour to catch up and then leave. It's funny because my mornings are equally flexible. Tuesdays and Thursdays I come in earlier (because I don't have to drop the children off at school) and Mondays and Wednesdays I come in later, because I do drop them off. Oh the joys...It never ends. ;)

Social life...What's that? You mean people actually get to have a life? NO! Really?

Actually I'm half joking. I get time in every other weekend when the children are away, and sometimes on the odd weeknight when they are with their dad. It all balances quite well actually.

I can just see myself in the future, when my children grow up, telling them stories of how much I had to juggle just for them....Well hey, our parents did it to us didn't they? We all heard the stories of how much they had to work to put food on the table, or about how much of a pain we were when they took us shopping. I figure my work arrangements ought to buy me something to talk about when they grow up. I can just see it now "I had to work till 8pm just to support you on my own"...leave out the days that I left early, or the fact that I actually enjoyed being at work, or the fact that I still had time to enjoy myself. I'm being bad.... :)

UGH The Heat!

I cannot handle the heat. I pass out in heat temperatures higher than 25 degrees. Today, when the weather is 39 degrees with Humidity factor, I am just dying. I'm feeling moody, cranky, have massive headaches and almost passed out walking from the car to the mall. That is just nuts. My friend pointed out that I come from Indo-Paks, and therefore I should be genetically able to handle the heat. Good point, but not true, for whatever reason. Autumn is my favourite season. Warm enough that you don't need a jacket (I hate extreme cold) and cold enough that you can wear boots and a sweater. Perfect weather in my opinion.

Anyhow. Here's another thing- I got sunburned yesterday! DOH! I guess I'm not used to the open back thing...And forgot to sunblock my back when we went swimming. What a moronic thing to do. My back is red like a lobster and the rest of me is perfectly fine. How odd. How many pak chicks do you know with sunburn? Exactly. Another example of how the genetic thing didn't work for me. I mean- I thought Indo-Paks were dark enough that they didn't burn? Man...I have a lot to learn. OUCH.

Swimming

This is like the highlight of my month. I took my children to visit a friend from the office today. She has a swimming pool in her backyard, and the children had a lot of fun. This friend and I have been trying to get together for quite some time, but for one reason or another, we haven't had the opportunity to catch up. Today, I made it out there, with the children, and we all went into the pool.

For everyone else, having time in a pool is no big deal. Just to give some perspective on this one, it's a very big deal for me. I'm the girl who wore a scarf for 6 years. I'm still very much a Muslim woman, and as a result, I never wear short skirts, I never wear sleeveless dresses, and basically- I try to cover up as much as possible. I'm still for all fine purposes a relatively conservative person.

Unfortunately, as a result, swimming in public pools or public places in a bathing suit is pretty much out of the question. I know it's a bit restrictive lifestyle-wise, but that's just the way it is, at least for now. I haven't been in a bathing suit since my honeymoon (13 years ago), and I have never had the opportunity to go in the water with my children. Both experiences were absolutely incredible, and I have my friend to thank for it.

My children are very much aware of the fact that I don't take them swimming. When I told them we were going to a pool, they immediately asked if their father was coming. I told them no, that I would be coming with them....And they were so excited. It was fun. I'm glad I went.

It's funny. I am so thankful for the wonderful time we had, and to the friend who invited us over. She doesn't have any children of her own, so I'm sure she must have been exhausted after an afternoon with my two children in her pool. Still, she was very hospitable and enthusiastic, and if my children drained her, she didn't show it one bit.

This afternoon's events really did get me thinking about some of the restrictions to the lifestyle of a Muslim woman. OK- So- to my Muslim friends...Feel free to stop reading, and if you do decide to read on, no phone calls please. Leave your comments and disappointment about my thoughts on this blog.

Anyhow...It just seems so restrictive at times. Simple things like swimming in a pool with my children have become a big deal. Any other person reading this will think it's insane that I can't enjoy a simple event like that, without having to go out of my way to find a private pool somewhere...I mean...It almost makes me wonder what the point is of all of it. Maybe all the recent changes in my life have gone to my head and I'm getting out of control. Then again, maybe I'm onto something.

American Arrogance

I have a big issue with the US immigration folks. I know, it's kind of a chicken and egg thing around why the issue exists or how it started, but it still drives me nuts. I am so sick and tired of the profiling at the US border. The first time it happened to me, I was still in hijaab and it was November 2003. I just assumed that it was 9/11 sensitivity and that the hijaab was the culprit...But now I'm not so sure.

In 2003 I was going to a wedding in California, by air. The US Immigration guy at the airport stopped me and questioned me for about 15 minutes. Stupid questions like how did you meet the people you're visiting, why are you going to the wedding, what high school did you go to. I politely answered all these questions, and as I answered them, their questions kept getting worse. I know I was visibly irritated when he gawked at my response to his question around what type of education I had. Clearly, he didn't believe that a scarf girl could have an MBA. Next, when he asked what I do for a living, and I gave him my title and the organization I work for, he blurted out "that's impossible". I actually had to pull out a business card before he would let me go into the US. That was just too much for me, and very very insulting.

Then, a few months ago, I went to Buffalo to shop. My friend who was with me recently got his Canadian Citizenship. Prior to that, he would travel on a Pakistani passport with a US Visa. When we went shopping, he was traveling on a Canadian passport without a visa. We were stopped for about an hour going in, and he was fingerprinted etc, and told basically that this would continue to happen to him unless he gave up his Pakistani Citizenship. (Canada lets you hold two Citizenships, and the US does not). What a hassle. That day was very irritating to me, although my friend should have been more irritated (I suppose he has more patience than I do). I couldn't shake the feeling that Americans are just so very arrogant.

So, on Tuesday, I went again to Buffalo with my sister. The US immigration guy looked at our ID (We are both born in Toronto), and he told us that we had to go inside for a random computer test. We went inside. 15 minutes later, another officer asked what our birthplace was. I told him Toronto, and that we already showed our birth certificates to the other guy. He asked for our birth certificates, driver licenses, photocopied them, and told us we could leave. When I asked what happened to the computer test, he told me that he didn't know what I was told outside, but that I was free to go. Obviously, there was no computer test, and there was nothing random about the "spot check".

So, why was I stopped? Colour of my skin? The fact that I have traveled with a Pakistani born person last time? Was my license plate flagged for some reason? I had no problems when I went to the US a few weeks back with Mich in her car, so what was the deal?

I found the experience totally confusing and totally disheartening. I mean, I can only imagine what would have happened if I still wore my hijaab, or still had ID with the hijaab. This is why my Muslim friends refuse to travel to the States. But then again, that's exactly what they want, right? Stay in your own Country and stay the hell out of ours is their attitude. So what's the solution? Stop traveling? Keep traveling and hope for the best? Pull a Michael Jackson and dye my skin white?

One Year in the New Home

I just realized....June 29th marked my one year anniversary in this home. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels as if I just moved in a couple of months ago, and a year has already gone by. It's also funny how no matter how settled you are, you're never really settled. I'm looking at the bookshelf next to me and noticing the empty shelves. That reminds me. I still have a few books that I haven't unpacked yet. Then again...If I didn't need them in a year, I probably don't need them at all. Food for thought I guess.

So, the house is getting there. I still need help with the gardening, I totally suck at that. And I need help with the snow shoveling, mostly because I hate manual labor. Hmmm...The list is endless, pictures to hang, painting to be done...I could go one, but why bother? A wise friend once reminded me that nobody ever dies with a completed 'to do' list. We all have things left to be done, unfinished business. Moral of the story- let it go, and take it easy. Some things just aren't worth the stress.

So, today, sitting in this house, I'm feeling pretty great. I mean, a year has gone by. The children are much more settled than they were last year. Not perfect, but they are doing well. This is a long process. I am much more settled. I can feel it emotionally. The recent name change was a fantastic move for me. It gave me enormous closure, and it was very empowering. I'm glad I did it.

Since the finalization of the divorce, I've been feeling a lot 'lighter' emotionally....Like I'm ready to move ahead, whatever that might mean. I'm ready to be me again, to face my new challenges, to face life. I'm ready to start with a new chapter. This is a great feeling, and I really hope it lasts. In the meantime, I'll keep working away at making things happier for the children, for me...And at creating a secure and stable home. A happy home after all, makes all the difference in the world.

Why so Surprised?

I had an interesting exchange with my ex this morning. I called him to confirm what time he would be coming to pick up the children. I guess my name change with Bell Canada must have kicked in today, and that it must have shown up on his call display. He seemed completely shocked by the fact that I have changed my name. I'm not totally sure why, I mean the divorce is official, so one would think a name change would be in order.

He asked me "Well, you changed your name I see, did you change it at the office too?"... I smiled to myself. No matter what else, he knows me well enough to know that changing my name at the office would be a big move for me, and a step that I would be unlikely to take. He also knows full well that if I did take the step, it would be telling. I confirmed that yes, I have changed it. He was a bit irritated, but handled it ok I suppose.

When I sent my email to the world telling everyone of the name change, I deliberately took his name off the list. I didn't see the need in putting salt in his wounds. I forgot that he would see the name when I called him....But it's all in the open now so that's good I suppose.

Still Changing the Name

I'm still working on the name change. This is taking a lot longer than I originally expected. I came to the office, ordered new business cards, and called the tech dudes to change my email address. They said it would take effect on Friday. And then I started to get emails halfway through the day asking if I had changed my name. Then I got phone calls from people checking to see if I left the company because my old email address kept bouncing back. What a mess. Leave it to technology to mess up. My manual name changes yesterday were a piece of cake compared to this.

Here are the funny comments from today:

• One VP emailed me to congratulate me on my marriage. I think she felt weird when I replied, telling her that I am now divorced
• Another friend emailed me and was very irritated to hear that he wasn't invited to my wedding
• Another friend emailed me and said "Good riddance. Mail your ex some KY Jelly and tell him its for his hand"...
• Another friend suggested that I send my ex a copy of the divorce certificate with a kiss mark on it (man you people are EVIL) :-)
• Another colleague that I haven't worked with in 2 years emailed me to tell me that she couldn't believe this could happen to someone like me, and gave me her words of wisdom. That was very touching
• My boss congratulated me and told me to go for a drink :) as did half the world who got my email
• Another co-worker told me that changing my name was Step 1 of operation "I'm single and I'm hot"...Yah right...But thanks for the vote of confidence :)

Ahhh...I love friends. The support is overwhelming :)

Divorced

Well, I'm here. I did it....And you know what? I'm feeling pretty OK. I only cried once, for less than a minute. That was when I went to see Dr. Clive and heard his words of wisdom around how proud he is of me for making it through. But those were tears of...Gratitude, emotional-ness, thankfulness, but not exactly sadness. I'm feeling really....Reflective, but not all that sad. I've surprised myself. I was expecting to be a mess. And I'm not. I'm just.....Tired. It's been a really, really, long road, and it's been emotionally and physically draining.

I am so grateful for the 6 people (including my father) who offered to spend the day with me today. I am so grateful to have friends like that, who are looking out for me emotionally. I'm grateful for the friend who called to check up on me during the day, for my sister who did the same (several times), and for the friend who text messaged me to make sure I was ok. I am so glad to have people like that around me. They make a big difference in my life.

For some reason, I just wanted to do this on my own today, so I decided not to take anyone with me. I wanted to have one day where I could stand on my own emotionally....And I'm so glad I did it this way. It was a perfect ending to a horrible 2 year separation and divorce. Perfect closure I would say. So here is how the day went:

• 8:30 am - Arrived at Courthouse
• 9:30am - Divorce Certificate in hand
• 10am -Had passport photos taken at mall
  
• 10:15am - Went to Driver's license office to change name on Driver's license
• 11:10am - Went to Doctor to have passport photos guarantor signatures done, and to have a little chit chat. Doctor Clive told me he was proud of me, and that no matter how difficult, this was the best move. He's dealt with bipolar patients many times, and he swears it would only have gotten harder living with my ex. His advice from the beginning was to leave, and he gave me his kind words of wisdom, and a big hug. Made me feel a lot better. See? Angels all around me...
• noon- passport office to apply for new passport
• 1pm- Insurance Office to change name on auto, home, life insurance
• 1:45pm- back to Driver's Licence office to change name on Car Ownership since I forgot to do that earlier (moron)
• 2:30pm- Health Card office- changed name on health cards
• 3:30pm- went to Bank #1 to change name on all banking accounts etc
• 4:30pm- went to Bank #2 to change name on all banking docs (be quiet, yes I bank at 2 banks, so kill me)...
• 5:oopm picked up kids from sitter
• 5:30pm- went to visit mom and dad

Is that an insane day or what? All that's left is changing my name on my household bills, and my name at the office, and I'll take care of those tomorrow. I am on FIRE.

When I went to the Driver's License Office this morning, the lady asked me for my signature. It threw me off. I haven't signed my maiden name in 13 years. I actually didn't put any thought around how to sign it. Sounds weird doesn't it? But after 13 years of signing my sloppy signature, it felt a bit odd to find a new signature. The little things we don't think of I suppose.

I felt a lot better after seeing Dr. Clive this morning. He has always been a consistent source of strength for me. He knew my marriage was bad for me. In fact, he knew for years, long before I left. His reassurance was very important to me....I think it was fitting that I went to see him today, and that he was a part of this closure process.

It's funny...At the Insurance office, I thanked the lady for helping me switch back to my maiden name, and she corrected me. "Your marriage is dissolved honey, so if you're not married, it's not your maiden name anymore....Its YOUR name". Wow....How weird. I never really thought of it that way. But she was right. How fitting that I changed it.

So, how do I feel? VERY tired, and not just from today's running around, but fatigue from the past two years of emotional garbage. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. I am so glad I took the day off work today to do all the name changing. It really gives more closure than doing it a little at a time. And, because I took the day off, I allowed myself the opportunity to feel whatever I needed to feel, without worrying about meetings or appearances. Given, it wasn't as emotional as I expected, but I suspect the calmness about me came from the fact that this was my day to myself, and I wasn't rushed at all. Anything was game.

Surprisingly, for whatever reason, today doesn't feel like an end at all. It feels like a new beginning, like a fresh start. I feel like it's the start of my second chance at life, and that is amazing, because it is not often we get blessed with one of those. I have so much to be thankful for: Friends, family, a home, beautiful children, and my health. It doesn't get better than that.

So- Here's to starting over....And to the ones who support us through our endeavors.

Zoo With the Children

I'm taking the children to the zoo today with Mich and Rich. I am so tired from yesterday's events that I actually would love to just crash today. But, I promised the children, and they woke up jumping on my bed saying "Hoooray! Today is the day we go to the zoo!"....It's not like I can say that we're not going anymore because mommy is just too tired...Sigh. I'm sure my energy will pick up again. Well, I'm hoping that it will.

So, yesterday was fun, but busy. I impressed myself with my ability to put together a 4 dish Indian meal in less than an hour, and it actually turned out ok. I had a fantastic time with my friends yesterday, so I'm glad we did it...But like I said, I need to learn not to schedule too much in one day moving forward.

So yesterday morning I was a bit thrown off. I got up and realized that I had a large bruise under my eyebrow. Basically a black eye. It was from the electrolysis on Saturday I think. I think I moved and she must have hit a vein. A common occurrence during electrolysis. The weird thing was, as I stood in front of the mirror and pulled out all my shades of foundation for covering a black eye, I just couldn't compose myself anymore. It was almost 3 years ago that I last had to bust out the makeup to cover a black eye, and while this one was not related to anything like the past ones, it just really messed me up. I remembered all the past mornings, pulling out the makeup, covering the eye, and I looked at myself, crying in the mirror, thinking 'Why am I crying? This is finally over....'

It's odd how something like a little electrolysis accident can trigger so many bad memories. It actually threw my entire day off....I couldn't shake it, because I kept going to the washroom throughout the day to make sure the bruise wasn't showing, just as I've done many times in the past. Strange, but true.

It's almost funny. I'll be at the courthouse tomorrow to get the divorce papers, and the morning of, I will have to wake up and cover a bruise on my eye. This one is innocent, but still, it just feels so...Sick. And in some ways....Almost fitting. Now that was sick of me to say, but, these are the thoughts racing through my head today. The crazy rantings of Shaz I suppose...Sigh. 24 hours to go. Wish me luck guys....

It's Possible to be Too Social...

I think I need to slow down. Introverts have it right. I spend way to much of my time out and about and very little time at home just resting, and as a result, I'm getting burned out.

I came home at 2am yesterday...And then I was running about today- waxing lady, visiting parents, gym, now I'm beat...And I'm ready to just crash. Tomorrow I've got a lunch event, a baby shower, and friends coming for dinner, and I'm doing groceries in the morning. WHO AM I???

UGH- ENOUGH! I am starting to see some merit in what my ex used to say to me (yes, I know, I can't believe I just said that either). But he would often tell me to slow down, not to be such a busy gal. He warned that one day it would all catch up to me and I would just burn out. I often dismissed his comments and just as much assumed he thought that way because he was an introvert, and I'm an extrovert, and we are just different that way. But now I'm thinking, maybe I'm changing, maybe I'm getting old. But nowadays, being out and about recharges me to a limit, but it's also starting to just make me tired. Hmmm- I wonder what those personality test people would say about me now...

Either way, he was right. I think scheduling one main thing each weekend is more than enough. Everything else can be just last minute stuff, or lazy at home stuff. I mean, this weekend alone I have 5 events. That's 4 too many. And that's why I'm here on a Saturday night, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep at 9pm...Sad but true.