I have an office event to attend on Feb 1. I think I mentioned an award/recognition thing at work. They actually have a "gala" for this thing. There's a bunch of people receiving the same recognition, and it sounds like a fun event. I like to attend parties, and I know quite a few of my colleagues who will be attending. It's also nice to get a day or two off work. My ex has agreed to watch the kids for Wednesday night and to take them to school on Thursday morning, so I will actually get to stay over at the hotel.
The stay at the hotel will be nice I'm sure, as will the next day. We get two days off work for this thing, so I decided to take myself up on my previous offer and book myself a half spa day. Really- what's another hundred bucks or so? My benefits will cover the massage portion, so the remaining $130 will just have to get absorbed somewhere. I've booked a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure. Now that will be fun. That will be the best part. THAT is what I'm REALLY looking forward to.
In the middle of all the craziness lately, I've taken very little time to just relax and slow down. A spa day at the hotel sounds really great. It's my little treat to myself. This feels like more of a treat because it will be in the middle of the day during the work week. It feels delicious to know that I will be at the spa getting my massage when I could be at work plugging away- tough choice there.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Getting Older
I am usually a birthday person. I love birthdays. My birthday, my children's birthdays, my friends' birthdays.
I'm one week shy of my 34th Birthday. I've had friends calling to make dinner plans and lunch plans and the whole deal. Each and every one asks how old I will be.
I almost forgot my upcoming birthday. Life has been a little busy. Stopping to think about it has not been fun. I of all people should not worry about how things look from the outside. I of all people know all too well how much damage that can do. Living in a marriage where I worked so hard to maintain appearances, I should be able to look at something a bit more objectively, and not care what others see when they look in.
Still, I feel a bit under the microscope. "What? 34? Damn- you're OLD!"....Yes, I know, they are jokes. I make them too. But please- not this year. You might as well say oh look, mid thirties, almost divorced, and two young kids. Life might as well be over. It just sounds so....Dismal.
I think this year, I'm going to avoid the age thing. I think I'm going to avoid the questions altogether. Maybe I should boycott birthdays. Well, that would be sadder. I actually had one person say- "hey- don't you get flowers delivered to you every year on your birthday"? Yes you nut. From my then husband, now soon-to-be-ex. But thanks for the reminder. Thanks for reminding me that the flower delivery that I had every year since I was 14 won't come this year. I am, after all, almost 34, almost divorced, with two young children (baggage, as one person oh-so-tactfully pointed out). I prefer to see my children as assets, but hey- whatever works for you.
To hell with this. I'm going to deliver my own flowers. :-)
I am, of course, just joking. This is not really about flowers. They do, after all, just die at the end of the day. I think this is more about fear. Fear of what's next, fear of making mistakes, fear around facing yet another year. It has already been almost two years, and to be honest, I just feel very very tired. Like I need a break from life for awhile. This much constant change and turmoil is exhausting, especially when you are trying to hold all other areas of your life together, like your career or parenting, just to name a couple.
I hate milestones. They just remind us of too much.
This year, I'm going to buy myself a spa day. Maybe a good facial will peel a year off. OK- I'm being sarcastic, but really- I think I'm going to do what my friend suggested. I think I'm going to try to celebrate my accomplishments this year, and treat myself to something.
My good friend Graham pointed out that I need to reposition everything in my head. Instead of focusing on the fact that everything is coming to an end, I should focus on the fact that after 12 years, I finally managed to make the right decisions for me. He says that's a sign of me maturing to a point where I can do a great job taking care of myself. He constantly points out that the decisions of a 21 year old are radically different from the decisions of a 33 year old, and so I should be proud of the fact that I was able to make the decisions I made, and stop focusing on the fact that I didn't make them sooner.
I think Graham is right. Despite all the fear, anxiety and uncertainty, there is a lot to focus on, and a lot to be grateful for. On that note, I think I will book a half spa day, despite the ongoing financial pressures of being a single parent household. I deserve it. Cheers to ME.
I'm one week shy of my 34th Birthday. I've had friends calling to make dinner plans and lunch plans and the whole deal. Each and every one asks how old I will be.
I almost forgot my upcoming birthday. Life has been a little busy. Stopping to think about it has not been fun. I of all people should not worry about how things look from the outside. I of all people know all too well how much damage that can do. Living in a marriage where I worked so hard to maintain appearances, I should be able to look at something a bit more objectively, and not care what others see when they look in.
Still, I feel a bit under the microscope. "What? 34? Damn- you're OLD!"....Yes, I know, they are jokes. I make them too. But please- not this year. You might as well say oh look, mid thirties, almost divorced, and two young kids. Life might as well be over. It just sounds so....Dismal.
I think this year, I'm going to avoid the age thing. I think I'm going to avoid the questions altogether. Maybe I should boycott birthdays. Well, that would be sadder. I actually had one person say- "hey- don't you get flowers delivered to you every year on your birthday"? Yes you nut. From my then husband, now soon-to-be-ex. But thanks for the reminder. Thanks for reminding me that the flower delivery that I had every year since I was 14 won't come this year. I am, after all, almost 34, almost divorced, with two young children (baggage, as one person oh-so-tactfully pointed out). I prefer to see my children as assets, but hey- whatever works for you.
To hell with this. I'm going to deliver my own flowers. :-)
I am, of course, just joking. This is not really about flowers. They do, after all, just die at the end of the day. I think this is more about fear. Fear of what's next, fear of making mistakes, fear around facing yet another year. It has already been almost two years, and to be honest, I just feel very very tired. Like I need a break from life for awhile. This much constant change and turmoil is exhausting, especially when you are trying to hold all other areas of your life together, like your career or parenting, just to name a couple.
I hate milestones. They just remind us of too much.
This year, I'm going to buy myself a spa day. Maybe a good facial will peel a year off. OK- I'm being sarcastic, but really- I think I'm going to do what my friend suggested. I think I'm going to try to celebrate my accomplishments this year, and treat myself to something.
My good friend Graham pointed out that I need to reposition everything in my head. Instead of focusing on the fact that everything is coming to an end, I should focus on the fact that after 12 years, I finally managed to make the right decisions for me. He says that's a sign of me maturing to a point where I can do a great job taking care of myself. He constantly points out that the decisions of a 21 year old are radically different from the decisions of a 33 year old, and so I should be proud of the fact that I was able to make the decisions I made, and stop focusing on the fact that I didn't make them sooner.
I think Graham is right. Despite all the fear, anxiety and uncertainty, there is a lot to focus on, and a lot to be grateful for. On that note, I think I will book a half spa day, despite the ongoing financial pressures of being a single parent household. I deserve it. Cheers to ME.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Too Sensitive?
This weekend, specifically on Friday, I realized that I have a tendency to be very sensitive (and yes, over-analytical too). I think I've always known it, but I haven't really sat down to give it a great deal of thought. I don't know if I've always been this way, or if the recent events in my life have made me this way.
I find I'm second guessing myself these days. I find that when people say something to me as a joke, I wonder if they were really joking or if there was a little hint of truth in what they were saying. I find that some people have more influence on me than others.
I'm not sure what someone should do in this case. I spoke to a friend, and she said one idea is to protect yourself from what people are saying- stick only to those friendships that make you feel completely "safe". I'm not sure if this is good advice. If I were to take this approach, it would mean that the people I currently trust are the only ones that I will ever be able to trust, because I would never let my guard down enough or feel safe enough to let another person in.
Over the course of this year, a handful of co-workers were among the people who provided me with a great deal of support. Co-workers are not exactly what you would call "safe" territory- but these ones have been really supportive, especially in helping me move on and get back on track. They've encouraged me and been patient as I've worked at regaining my independence. If I hadn't taken that leap of faith and trusted them (a first for me, as I'm usually careful with colleagues), I may not have been in this space today. Part of the reason why I've been able to hold it together at work is because I've had such strong support. Work did not have to be a facade, and that has made this process much easier.
I do, however, think that when you depend on people like this, they have a great deal of influence on how you think and what you feel, and on what you believe about yourself. I'm not sure that building a brick wall around yourself is the best solution- that would only lead to isolation. So how do you protect yourself?
My approach in the past has always been the brick wall approach. But since my separation, I've decided to become more "real"- to allow myself to be human which means admitting to people when life isn't perfect. I'm not talking about complaining to people, but I'm tired of pretending that everything is perfect when it is not. Part of opening up means that you're more vulnerable. Vulnerable to criticism, vulnerable to judgment, vulnerable to blame, vulnerable to being hurt. At the end of the day, it's such a delicate balance.
With the reality of the upcoming divorce, one of the things that I've noticed is this constant self questioning. It was always there to some degree, but I find more than ever, as things wind down- I keep asking myself "how do you know if those around you that you love/care for really care back?" and what does caring back really mean?
Having been through an abusive marriage to someone whose personality changed from one minute to next, I find it difficult to really grasp hold of what's real and what's not. I mean- this was a man who I really loved. Given- it's a bit bizarre to love someone who can hurt you in such a way, but for whatever reason, I did. To come to the realization that you couldn't really have ever been loved back, well, that's a hard one to swallow. It makes you wonder what's wrong with you- why you weren't worthy of being loved by someone that you cared so much about, and how someone that you cared about could be capable of hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
But the sad part is- it makes you wonder who around you really cares, and when the next cruel reality check will kick in and your bubble will burst once again...Who will be the next person to give you the reality check, and when will it happen again? Will it be a friend? A co-worker? A family member?
I find that it hits me really hard at times. I can be having a good time with someone and they will make a comment that makes me wonder 'does that mean that I bother or irritate them? Am I being a burden on them? Maybe I care about these people and they only pretend to care back'...It's really bizarre. A bit like the political correctness thing I mentioned last night. How do you know who is real, and who is not? I know that most people would say- think with your heart, go with your gut instinct. But what if your gut instinct was wrong for 12 years? Would you really trust it again?
I'm reading this and I can almost hear a bit of paranoia. I'm not paranoid. But I am a bit sensitive, and it will be hard to earn my complete trust from here on. I've been through enough that I do know that we as people need to take care of ourselves...We can't expect others to do it for us. That means physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you're not going to build a wall around yourself, then you are open to being hurt. That's just how life is. So while I know I'm open, I feel like I'm watching my back- its like you have a brick wall with this little opening, but you constantly need to guard it to make sure you really know who you're letting in. And as for the rest of the world, well- they are just not welcome in. It's a bit of a protected environment for now.
I'm not pessimistic. I'm hoping this will fade. As things finalize, I'm hoping that this will get better, and that one day I will look back and remember the time that I went through the separation and divorce, and yes, through the uncertainty, but that I will have made it through to see a happier space. I don't imagine that I'm the only one going through a divorce who feels this way. It must be pretty standard. It's just that sometimes, we all forget that we are human. Sometimes the people around you forget that every day is difficult enough when you are going through this much change, that getting to the end of each day is really a minor miracle in itself.
Don't get me wrong- I know this will all be worth it in the end. I just also know that I sometimes need to understand that this is all part of the process I need to go through. I went through the anger, the stress, the tears, and now I've reached the uncertainty, and yes, a bit of self doubt too. I'm hoping the next phase in my life will be independence, confidence, and of course, happiness.
I find I'm second guessing myself these days. I find that when people say something to me as a joke, I wonder if they were really joking or if there was a little hint of truth in what they were saying. I find that some people have more influence on me than others.
I'm not sure what someone should do in this case. I spoke to a friend, and she said one idea is to protect yourself from what people are saying- stick only to those friendships that make you feel completely "safe". I'm not sure if this is good advice. If I were to take this approach, it would mean that the people I currently trust are the only ones that I will ever be able to trust, because I would never let my guard down enough or feel safe enough to let another person in.
Over the course of this year, a handful of co-workers were among the people who provided me with a great deal of support. Co-workers are not exactly what you would call "safe" territory- but these ones have been really supportive, especially in helping me move on and get back on track. They've encouraged me and been patient as I've worked at regaining my independence. If I hadn't taken that leap of faith and trusted them (a first for me, as I'm usually careful with colleagues), I may not have been in this space today. Part of the reason why I've been able to hold it together at work is because I've had such strong support. Work did not have to be a facade, and that has made this process much easier.
I do, however, think that when you depend on people like this, they have a great deal of influence on how you think and what you feel, and on what you believe about yourself. I'm not sure that building a brick wall around yourself is the best solution- that would only lead to isolation. So how do you protect yourself?
My approach in the past has always been the brick wall approach. But since my separation, I've decided to become more "real"- to allow myself to be human which means admitting to people when life isn't perfect. I'm not talking about complaining to people, but I'm tired of pretending that everything is perfect when it is not. Part of opening up means that you're more vulnerable. Vulnerable to criticism, vulnerable to judgment, vulnerable to blame, vulnerable to being hurt. At the end of the day, it's such a delicate balance.
With the reality of the upcoming divorce, one of the things that I've noticed is this constant self questioning. It was always there to some degree, but I find more than ever, as things wind down- I keep asking myself "how do you know if those around you that you love/care for really care back?" and what does caring back really mean?
Having been through an abusive marriage to someone whose personality changed from one minute to next, I find it difficult to really grasp hold of what's real and what's not. I mean- this was a man who I really loved. Given- it's a bit bizarre to love someone who can hurt you in such a way, but for whatever reason, I did. To come to the realization that you couldn't really have ever been loved back, well, that's a hard one to swallow. It makes you wonder what's wrong with you- why you weren't worthy of being loved by someone that you cared so much about, and how someone that you cared about could be capable of hurting you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
But the sad part is- it makes you wonder who around you really cares, and when the next cruel reality check will kick in and your bubble will burst once again...Who will be the next person to give you the reality check, and when will it happen again? Will it be a friend? A co-worker? A family member?
I find that it hits me really hard at times. I can be having a good time with someone and they will make a comment that makes me wonder 'does that mean that I bother or irritate them? Am I being a burden on them? Maybe I care about these people and they only pretend to care back'...It's really bizarre. A bit like the political correctness thing I mentioned last night. How do you know who is real, and who is not? I know that most people would say- think with your heart, go with your gut instinct. But what if your gut instinct was wrong for 12 years? Would you really trust it again?
I'm reading this and I can almost hear a bit of paranoia. I'm not paranoid. But I am a bit sensitive, and it will be hard to earn my complete trust from here on. I've been through enough that I do know that we as people need to take care of ourselves...We can't expect others to do it for us. That means physically, emotionally, and mentally. If you're not going to build a wall around yourself, then you are open to being hurt. That's just how life is. So while I know I'm open, I feel like I'm watching my back- its like you have a brick wall with this little opening, but you constantly need to guard it to make sure you really know who you're letting in. And as for the rest of the world, well- they are just not welcome in. It's a bit of a protected environment for now.
I'm not pessimistic. I'm hoping this will fade. As things finalize, I'm hoping that this will get better, and that one day I will look back and remember the time that I went through the separation and divorce, and yes, through the uncertainty, but that I will have made it through to see a happier space. I don't imagine that I'm the only one going through a divorce who feels this way. It must be pretty standard. It's just that sometimes, we all forget that we are human. Sometimes the people around you forget that every day is difficult enough when you are going through this much change, that getting to the end of each day is really a minor miracle in itself.
Don't get me wrong- I know this will all be worth it in the end. I just also know that I sometimes need to understand that this is all part of the process I need to go through. I went through the anger, the stress, the tears, and now I've reached the uncertainty, and yes, a bit of self doubt too. I'm hoping the next phase in my life will be independence, confidence, and of course, happiness.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Political Correctness
I had a nice day today. A friend from the office came over and we hung out, went for dinner, rented a movie etc. After the movie, we were chatting about Canada, the Conservatives, and then the overall direction that this country may or may not take. Somewhere along the way, we ended up on the topic of political correctness.
I hate political correctness. I think Canadians focus too much on being politically correct, and too little on really accepting one another. Political correctness translates into "say the things that make you look good, or won't get you in trouble, even though you may not really buy into them". It's about walking on eggshells so you can end up looking like a nice person, or so people don't think you're a racist, sexist or homophobe.
I personally find this whole charade rather tiring. I mean honestly- aren't we almost better off knowing what people really think? If you hate Indo-Paks or Muslims and think the world should do away with all of them, I'd rather know about it than waste my time socializing with you. At the end of the day, political correctness does more harm than good.
I grew up with every culture in the book. Toronto is a very diverse city, but still, I've learned from a young age what it feels like to be wrongly judged or mistreated. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do that to others, and if I do, it's certainly not intentional. But you know, I am guilty of occasionally stereotyping, to some degree, and that includes doing it to Indo-Paks, and yes, Muslims, and yes, other cultures too. I think we're all guilty of some generalities here and there, but pretending that we never do it is just plain stupid.
At the end of the day the generalities can be harmful, and I'll be the first to admit it, and not all of them are negative. I cannot tell you the number of times I heard my brother during his Computer Science program jokingly laugh and say- "Man- No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be as geeko smart as the Chinese guys in my class. Those guys are geniuses". OK- So a positive comment, but still a sweeping generality. But in the grande scheme of things- who cares? Let's not waste our time on the little things and let's move on to more important matters.
The number of times I've been stopped dead in a sentence for no apparent reason but someone's personal mission to be the political correctness police is overwhelming. I remember one time where I was recounting a story about a friend of mine- I started off with "my friend from Jamaica" and was stopped dead in my tracks. I was asked if there was a reason that I mentioned where she was from. Not really. Not sure. Just mentioned it. Maybe it wasn't relevant to the story at all. Kind of like saying "my friend from Oakville"...I don't know why I said it. Her point was that I was noticing my friend's culture/race above anything else, like it was important or something. OK- This is completely stupid. Even if I am doing that, who cares? Did you not hear the part where I mentioned that the girl was my FRIEND???? So what, now I have issues with her because she's black, oops, African American, oops maybe I should call her Jamaican American or whatever. I mean- how stupid can we be?
I think we waste too much of our time trying to "look" right and spend too little of our time really focusing on the great diversity all of us bring to the table. I personally can't stand being corrected all the time, and don't see the point. I think we need to start looking at the intentions behind what's being said, rather than the words being used. I think if we had the opportunity to relax a bit more, we'd enjoy eachother's company, enjoy the diversity, and not feel so stressed out as a culture. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that we should all become rednecks or something, but I am saying that we need to cut the crap and just be more sincere. If you don't like someone or something- just don't act like you too. It's too confusing, and it doesn't help anyone.
Here's what else happens with political correctness. And this is the scary part. When I was in my undergrad years, I worked for a Bank as a teller. This Bank did a lot to support Aboriginal people, and made a point to give Native Canadians opportunity for employment. It got to a point where there were unofficial quotas placed on branches to have at least one either disabled person or Aboriginal person in each branch. We had an Aboriginal person working in our branch. She was a brilliant girl, but you know what happened? She was "shared" as a floating resource between 3 branches, and was never given a full time job in one particular Branch. Now did this help the spirit of the quota? Talk about exploitation. That's what I mean. These things never work, they just create stupidity and more resentment.
I love Canadians. I love Torontonians. I think if we took a cross section of people here in this city, we would find that most of us might 'slip' and say things that sound politically incorrect at times, but really, we don't mean them in that way. I think for the most part, Torontonians are pretty accepting of one another. There is a fair share of people who are not accepting, but I think that can be expected in any city. I think that forced political correctness just makes the whole deal that much more complicated for all of us. At the end of the day, you can silence people, but you can't change who they are, or how they really feel. And that's the bigger problem. All we've done is make it invisible to everyone which boss is a racist or sexist. So at the end of the day, you may work for what you think is an awesome person, but you'll never get ahead because well you're Chinese, or Japanese, or Hindu, or Muslim. I don't think this helps any of us. The neighbour who smiles and asks all sorts of questions about your culture, pretending that he's really interested in learning more may be going into their house and thinking- 'stupid Pakis- send them back home on their boats'.
I don't know about you, but personally- I'd rather know what these people are really thinking than not. And it's not about the words they use- it's about what they mean. Under the guise of political correctness...These days, it's just too hard to know. We are so quick to say- "Oh look- she referred to someone by their colour- that racist", that we have created a world where the real racists and sexists or whatever else get to hide undercover. Not the best environment- wouldn't you agree?
I hate political correctness. I think Canadians focus too much on being politically correct, and too little on really accepting one another. Political correctness translates into "say the things that make you look good, or won't get you in trouble, even though you may not really buy into them". It's about walking on eggshells so you can end up looking like a nice person, or so people don't think you're a racist, sexist or homophobe.
I personally find this whole charade rather tiring. I mean honestly- aren't we almost better off knowing what people really think? If you hate Indo-Paks or Muslims and think the world should do away with all of them, I'd rather know about it than waste my time socializing with you. At the end of the day, political correctness does more harm than good.
I grew up with every culture in the book. Toronto is a very diverse city, but still, I've learned from a young age what it feels like to be wrongly judged or mistreated. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do that to others, and if I do, it's certainly not intentional. But you know, I am guilty of occasionally stereotyping, to some degree, and that includes doing it to Indo-Paks, and yes, Muslims, and yes, other cultures too. I think we're all guilty of some generalities here and there, but pretending that we never do it is just plain stupid.
At the end of the day the generalities can be harmful, and I'll be the first to admit it, and not all of them are negative. I cannot tell you the number of times I heard my brother during his Computer Science program jokingly laugh and say- "Man- No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be as geeko smart as the Chinese guys in my class. Those guys are geniuses". OK- So a positive comment, but still a sweeping generality. But in the grande scheme of things- who cares? Let's not waste our time on the little things and let's move on to more important matters.
The number of times I've been stopped dead in a sentence for no apparent reason but someone's personal mission to be the political correctness police is overwhelming. I remember one time where I was recounting a story about a friend of mine- I started off with "my friend from Jamaica" and was stopped dead in my tracks. I was asked if there was a reason that I mentioned where she was from. Not really. Not sure. Just mentioned it. Maybe it wasn't relevant to the story at all. Kind of like saying "my friend from Oakville"...I don't know why I said it. Her point was that I was noticing my friend's culture/race above anything else, like it was important or something. OK- This is completely stupid. Even if I am doing that, who cares? Did you not hear the part where I mentioned that the girl was my FRIEND???? So what, now I have issues with her because she's black, oops, African American, oops maybe I should call her Jamaican American or whatever. I mean- how stupid can we be?
I think we waste too much of our time trying to "look" right and spend too little of our time really focusing on the great diversity all of us bring to the table. I personally can't stand being corrected all the time, and don't see the point. I think we need to start looking at the intentions behind what's being said, rather than the words being used. I think if we had the opportunity to relax a bit more, we'd enjoy eachother's company, enjoy the diversity, and not feel so stressed out as a culture. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that we should all become rednecks or something, but I am saying that we need to cut the crap and just be more sincere. If you don't like someone or something- just don't act like you too. It's too confusing, and it doesn't help anyone.
Here's what else happens with political correctness. And this is the scary part. When I was in my undergrad years, I worked for a Bank as a teller. This Bank did a lot to support Aboriginal people, and made a point to give Native Canadians opportunity for employment. It got to a point where there were unofficial quotas placed on branches to have at least one either disabled person or Aboriginal person in each branch. We had an Aboriginal person working in our branch. She was a brilliant girl, but you know what happened? She was "shared" as a floating resource between 3 branches, and was never given a full time job in one particular Branch. Now did this help the spirit of the quota? Talk about exploitation. That's what I mean. These things never work, they just create stupidity and more resentment.
I love Canadians. I love Torontonians. I think if we took a cross section of people here in this city, we would find that most of us might 'slip' and say things that sound politically incorrect at times, but really, we don't mean them in that way. I think for the most part, Torontonians are pretty accepting of one another. There is a fair share of people who are not accepting, but I think that can be expected in any city. I think that forced political correctness just makes the whole deal that much more complicated for all of us. At the end of the day, you can silence people, but you can't change who they are, or how they really feel. And that's the bigger problem. All we've done is make it invisible to everyone which boss is a racist or sexist. So at the end of the day, you may work for what you think is an awesome person, but you'll never get ahead because well you're Chinese, or Japanese, or Hindu, or Muslim. I don't think this helps any of us. The neighbour who smiles and asks all sorts of questions about your culture, pretending that he's really interested in learning more may be going into their house and thinking- 'stupid Pakis- send them back home on their boats'.
I don't know about you, but personally- I'd rather know what these people are really thinking than not. And it's not about the words they use- it's about what they mean. Under the guise of political correctness...These days, it's just too hard to know. We are so quick to say- "Oh look- she referred to someone by their colour- that racist", that we have created a world where the real racists and sexists or whatever else get to hide undercover. Not the best environment- wouldn't you agree?
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Preparing to Move on
I haven't made an entry in almost a week. I think I needed the space to think. Two weekends ago, the same weekend when my ex told me that he had started the divorce process, I was a mess. The weekend was a really difficult one for me. But then, to top things off, I had this very weird conversation with my ex on the Sunday night, just two days later.
He asked me if this is what I wanted. He asked me if I really wanted the divorce. He explained that if I wanted to change my mind, I could, and he could call off the divorce papers. This really bothered me. I had spent the entire weekend crying to the point where I couldn't keep my eyes open, they were burning so badly, and just 48 hours later, he came back to see if his little game had worked. This was too much for me.
It reminded me of all the times in our marriage he had manipulated me. It reminded me of all the nights I cried wishing I could get away, and made me realize that now I had. It reminded me of how naive I can often be, taking everything at face value, when often, some people just play games with me. I can be such a sucker at times. I play this tough girl act at work, but really, sometimes I think I have no backbone. As independent and strong headed I can be at work, I feel like a complete jellyfish in my personal life. And that is why I keep getting walked over. That is why I allowed myself to be in a mess of a marriage for much too long. That is why I didn't have the guts to leave until he almost choked my child. That is why I have no confidence in myself when it comes to things like how I look, or how I am as a person. I know full well who I am as an employee, as a friend, as a mother, as a daughter. I just sometimes don't know it all with confidence.
We talked for 3 hours that night. We both cried, we talked, and cried some more... but in this conversation, I noticed a change. Underneath everything, I could see it coming. I could hear my voice. All I heard was "for the love of GOD, make sure he files the papers, or you'll never be free". I ended that conversation telling him that I did love him, and that part of me always will, but that he's done some very vicious things to me, and that I haven't forgiven him, and that while I hope I will, I don't believe I can ever trust again. Trust is the basis for marriage, and so, without trust, there is nothing left here. I ended that call by saying "no, please don't put the paperwork on hold. File the papers. I'll pay half". And then I said good-night.
I'm still feeling a little sad, but I know where it's coming from. The end of my first love- the relationship with my high school sweetheart who I met at the tender age of 14. The end of my bond with the father of my children. The end of my innocence.
No matter where I go from here, life will be different. Unfortunately, in some ways, this entire experience has jarred me. In other ways, it's made me wiser. I don't know if I'll ever trust again, but I'm hoping that I will. I do know this; ALL relationships (friendships or other) from this point on will be somewhat cautious. That's the only way I can protect myself. No more blind faith in people. No more being naive. It's true- we should all trust in God. But we should also all use our logic, good judgment, and take all necessary precautions first. Then leave the rest to Him. No more blind faith. Not in anything.
So here I am. I'm feeling better. I think I'm content with being alone. I don't feel all hell bent on meeting anyone else right now. Whatever life brings me should be just fine. But at least whatever I have will be on my own terms.
No more waking up to a different personality in the morning. No more long hours at work to avoid coming home. No more fears around his spending or how he is with the kids. No more bruises or black eyes, and now, with the upcoming divorce, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He asked me if this is what I wanted. He asked me if I really wanted the divorce. He explained that if I wanted to change my mind, I could, and he could call off the divorce papers. This really bothered me. I had spent the entire weekend crying to the point where I couldn't keep my eyes open, they were burning so badly, and just 48 hours later, he came back to see if his little game had worked. This was too much for me.
It reminded me of all the times in our marriage he had manipulated me. It reminded me of all the nights I cried wishing I could get away, and made me realize that now I had. It reminded me of how naive I can often be, taking everything at face value, when often, some people just play games with me. I can be such a sucker at times. I play this tough girl act at work, but really, sometimes I think I have no backbone. As independent and strong headed I can be at work, I feel like a complete jellyfish in my personal life. And that is why I keep getting walked over. That is why I allowed myself to be in a mess of a marriage for much too long. That is why I didn't have the guts to leave until he almost choked my child. That is why I have no confidence in myself when it comes to things like how I look, or how I am as a person. I know full well who I am as an employee, as a friend, as a mother, as a daughter. I just sometimes don't know it all with confidence.
We talked for 3 hours that night. We both cried, we talked, and cried some more... but in this conversation, I noticed a change. Underneath everything, I could see it coming. I could hear my voice. All I heard was "for the love of GOD, make sure he files the papers, or you'll never be free". I ended that conversation telling him that I did love him, and that part of me always will, but that he's done some very vicious things to me, and that I haven't forgiven him, and that while I hope I will, I don't believe I can ever trust again. Trust is the basis for marriage, and so, without trust, there is nothing left here. I ended that call by saying "no, please don't put the paperwork on hold. File the papers. I'll pay half". And then I said good-night.
I'm still feeling a little sad, but I know where it's coming from. The end of my first love- the relationship with my high school sweetheart who I met at the tender age of 14. The end of my bond with the father of my children. The end of my innocence.
No matter where I go from here, life will be different. Unfortunately, in some ways, this entire experience has jarred me. In other ways, it's made me wiser. I don't know if I'll ever trust again, but I'm hoping that I will. I do know this; ALL relationships (friendships or other) from this point on will be somewhat cautious. That's the only way I can protect myself. No more blind faith in people. No more being naive. It's true- we should all trust in God. But we should also all use our logic, good judgment, and take all necessary precautions first. Then leave the rest to Him. No more blind faith. Not in anything.
So here I am. I'm feeling better. I think I'm content with being alone. I don't feel all hell bent on meeting anyone else right now. Whatever life brings me should be just fine. But at least whatever I have will be on my own terms.
No more waking up to a different personality in the morning. No more long hours at work to avoid coming home. No more fears around his spending or how he is with the kids. No more bruises or black eyes, and now, with the upcoming divorce, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Friday, January 20, 2006
The Needle
My daughter is hilarious. She had a physical checkup today, after which she was not so happy to learn that she had to get some routine "tests" done.
We got to the blood lab and the people in the waiting room were very amused at my little 4 year old daughter's reaction. I told her that she would have to pee in the little bottle and she laughed hysterically. "why would we do something like that?" I explained that it was so we could test the urine. After the washroom experience, when we got back to the waiting room, she asked:
"can we always pee in bottles from now on?"
"no"
"why not?"
"because- we just don't - that's what toilets are for"
"but why do we get to today?"
"because the doctor asked us to"
"but you're the mommy- aren't your rules more important?"
"ok- no more talking. Mommy's tired".
I don't know- how do you explain bloodwork? I tried telling her we needed to make sure it was ok- that there was nothing bad in her urine, and she said "but isn't it dirty anyways? I thought it was all bad". Man- Some days I get so tired. Never argue with a four year old. They are just too smart for their own good.
So then we got to the actual bloodwork. Naturally, she started screaming before she even got the needle, and she's been crying ever since. She's upset that I held her down for the bloodwork. I think she's feeling betrayed. When I finally explained that the bloodwork was to make sure that she has enough vitamins in her body, and that if she doesn't, I'll let her double dose on the Flintstone Vitamins, she seemed ok. Then this evening she started up again.
I just dealt with 20 minutes of crying. When she finally calmed down, I asked what the big deal was. I mean, the needle was eons ago. Why the crying spells?
"mommy- you let them hurt me"
"honey- I had to do that- I needed to make sure you're all healthy"
"you helped them break me"
"break you?"
"what do we do with ripped shirts? We throw them out. Now my body has a hole in it. I'm broken. I have a hole in my body, and you helped them do it. I'm broken and have a hole in my body and it will never go away. WAAAAAAH"
OH Good GOD. I need tylenol. Some days this is just too much. And I signed up for single parenting? What the heck was I smoking when I made that decision?
We got to the blood lab and the people in the waiting room were very amused at my little 4 year old daughter's reaction. I told her that she would have to pee in the little bottle and she laughed hysterically. "why would we do something like that?" I explained that it was so we could test the urine. After the washroom experience, when we got back to the waiting room, she asked:
"can we always pee in bottles from now on?"
"no"
"why not?"
"because- we just don't - that's what toilets are for"
"but why do we get to today?"
"because the doctor asked us to"
"but you're the mommy- aren't your rules more important?"
"ok- no more talking. Mommy's tired".
I don't know- how do you explain bloodwork? I tried telling her we needed to make sure it was ok- that there was nothing bad in her urine, and she said "but isn't it dirty anyways? I thought it was all bad". Man- Some days I get so tired. Never argue with a four year old. They are just too smart for their own good.
So then we got to the actual bloodwork. Naturally, she started screaming before she even got the needle, and she's been crying ever since. She's upset that I held her down for the bloodwork. I think she's feeling betrayed. When I finally explained that the bloodwork was to make sure that she has enough vitamins in her body, and that if she doesn't, I'll let her double dose on the Flintstone Vitamins, she seemed ok. Then this evening she started up again.
I just dealt with 20 minutes of crying. When she finally calmed down, I asked what the big deal was. I mean, the needle was eons ago. Why the crying spells?
"mommy- you let them hurt me"
"honey- I had to do that- I needed to make sure you're all healthy"
"you helped them break me"
"break you?"
"what do we do with ripped shirts? We throw them out. Now my body has a hole in it. I'm broken. I have a hole in my body, and you helped them do it. I'm broken and have a hole in my body and it will never go away. WAAAAAAH"
OH Good GOD. I need tylenol. Some days this is just too much. And I signed up for single parenting? What the heck was I smoking when I made that decision?
The Vote
I went last Monday to do the early vote thing. My family is so comical, I can't help but laugh at this story. My mom and dad got my voting card at their address because I lived with them for a year. On Monday, we decided to do the early voting thing, because my work schedule is so weird, that there is a strong chance that something or another will come up the day of the vote, and I won't make it out.
My dad is a keener. He loves this country and is probably the proudest Canadian I know. He loves being Canadian. We have this long standing banter where I say that I'm more Canadian than he is because I was born here, and he says I'm less Canadian because he lives here by choice...He moved here by choice, and I was born here by no choice of my own. I'm Canadian by accident and he's Canadian on purpose. When I protest that, he shuts me up by reminding me that if nothing else, he's been here longer than I have. He is so funny.
All that aside, my dad is a staunch Liberal. He has voted Liberal all his life. On Monday evening, he reminded me to come out and vote. To save time, he took the voting cards to the voting place and waited there for me. When I got there, he handed me my card and said "Make sure you vote Liberal. It's the first box on the list". OK- Firstly, I'm old enough to know who to vote for, and secondly, I think I can find the Liberal box...Thanks. The embarrassing thing is that others overheard my dad telling his 33 year old daughter how to vote. Just for that I said "No dad, I'm voting conservative". Man- that was a mistake. He started protesting, despite the nearby people. "WHAT?! Conservative- you can't. They will SELL this country to BUSH". That was hilarious. People were chuckling. "Dad- nobody can really SELL the country". Nope, he protested. The conservatives might as well. We'll all be drafted for war in some country if they win.
After I voted I came out and my dad reminded me- "you ticked the first box, right?". I thought this was comical so I responded with a "OH NO! Daddy- I thought you said NDP". OK this freaked him out. "What?! That's a waste of a vote- they have no chance! You might as well have voted conservative!"
SO funny. Add an Indian tone and extra animation and you can just visualize it. Then my dad started on his whole "I love Pierre Trudeau" speech. OH GOD. Here we go again. Dad- the guy is dead, and so are his ideals. Move on.
Parents are hilarious. I do admire his enthusiasm and sense of responsibility. I don't admire the personal humiliation of feeling like I'm 12 years old :-) Hmmm- I wonder what he would have said if I had voted for the Green Party or something?
My dad is a keener. He loves this country and is probably the proudest Canadian I know. He loves being Canadian. We have this long standing banter where I say that I'm more Canadian than he is because I was born here, and he says I'm less Canadian because he lives here by choice...He moved here by choice, and I was born here by no choice of my own. I'm Canadian by accident and he's Canadian on purpose. When I protest that, he shuts me up by reminding me that if nothing else, he's been here longer than I have. He is so funny.
All that aside, my dad is a staunch Liberal. He has voted Liberal all his life. On Monday evening, he reminded me to come out and vote. To save time, he took the voting cards to the voting place and waited there for me. When I got there, he handed me my card and said "Make sure you vote Liberal. It's the first box on the list". OK- Firstly, I'm old enough to know who to vote for, and secondly, I think I can find the Liberal box...Thanks. The embarrassing thing is that others overheard my dad telling his 33 year old daughter how to vote. Just for that I said "No dad, I'm voting conservative". Man- that was a mistake. He started protesting, despite the nearby people. "WHAT?! Conservative- you can't. They will SELL this country to BUSH". That was hilarious. People were chuckling. "Dad- nobody can really SELL the country". Nope, he protested. The conservatives might as well. We'll all be drafted for war in some country if they win.
After I voted I came out and my dad reminded me- "you ticked the first box, right?". I thought this was comical so I responded with a "OH NO! Daddy- I thought you said NDP". OK this freaked him out. "What?! That's a waste of a vote- they have no chance! You might as well have voted conservative!"
SO funny. Add an Indian tone and extra animation and you can just visualize it. Then my dad started on his whole "I love Pierre Trudeau" speech. OH GOD. Here we go again. Dad- the guy is dead, and so are his ideals. Move on.
Parents are hilarious. I do admire his enthusiasm and sense of responsibility. I don't admire the personal humiliation of feeling like I'm 12 years old :-) Hmmm- I wonder what he would have said if I had voted for the Green Party or something?
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Single Parenting
I had a really really rough day today. I think it was just everything- the children, work (insane day at the office) and just the realization of the upcoming divorce. Today was a day where the difficulty of raising two kids had me on edge and almost in panic mode. Maybe everything is just piling up emotionally. I just found myself in a space where I felt that wow- I'm going to be raising these children pretty much on my own, and it scared me. I think deep down, I'm not convinced that I'm a good enough parent to take on the task of single parenting. That would be better handled by the ultra patient parent who never loses their cool. I am not that parent, and today has been a weird day for me.
The weird day started when I got up. I know the women can relate but I had one of those change your outfit 5 times mornings, re-do your hair, change shoes, but still feel like you look horrid. It was one of those rare NO confidence moments where you look in the mirror and all you see is the transparency of the stress and pressure piling up. I went into work feeling like the world would take one look at me and say- wow- she looks horrible, and she's incompetent...An incompetent mother, colleague, person. I don't know what's wrong with me today.
I had a rough time with the morning routine with the kids...Couldn't seem to get anything right. I rushed to catch the bus and missed the last one out. It seems I was reading off an old schedule. I had to drive into work. I got to work only to deal with fires that needed to be put out. Nice. I got a call from my son's school - real nice...And really adding to the incompetent parent complex.
I think this is my nervous side kicking in. I'm going to bed tonight feeling like I will NEVER be able to do this on my own. Feeling like I can NEVER handle single parenting, managing a career, a household, etc. I almost feel like giving up, and going to my ex and saying "you win, I lose- I can't do this without help, and since you're the only likely candidate, well, I'm stuck in this relationship for life. There is no out". But that won't work either. There wasn't much happiness there for me, and I was dying to get out.
I wonder if I'm the only one in the world who has days like this...Days where you feel you will never succeed, no matter how hard you work, how hard you try, or how good a person you are. Am I alone here?
The weird day started when I got up. I know the women can relate but I had one of those change your outfit 5 times mornings, re-do your hair, change shoes, but still feel like you look horrid. It was one of those rare NO confidence moments where you look in the mirror and all you see is the transparency of the stress and pressure piling up. I went into work feeling like the world would take one look at me and say- wow- she looks horrible, and she's incompetent...An incompetent mother, colleague, person. I don't know what's wrong with me today.
I had a rough time with the morning routine with the kids...Couldn't seem to get anything right. I rushed to catch the bus and missed the last one out. It seems I was reading off an old schedule. I had to drive into work. I got to work only to deal with fires that needed to be put out. Nice. I got a call from my son's school - real nice...And really adding to the incompetent parent complex.
I think this is my nervous side kicking in. I'm going to bed tonight feeling like I will NEVER be able to do this on my own. Feeling like I can NEVER handle single parenting, managing a career, a household, etc. I almost feel like giving up, and going to my ex and saying "you win, I lose- I can't do this without help, and since you're the only likely candidate, well, I'm stuck in this relationship for life. There is no out". But that won't work either. There wasn't much happiness there for me, and I was dying to get out.
I wonder if I'm the only one in the world who has days like this...Days where you feel you will never succeed, no matter how hard you work, how hard you try, or how good a person you are. Am I alone here?
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Little Angels
My daughter gets her way again. There's something about her sleep patterns that I just don't understand. Well, that's a lie. I actually contributed to the problem. Being a second child, when she came home from the hospital, my ex and I let her sleep between us. That was a big mistake. Since then, she's never been able to sleep on her own. When my ex and I separated, and I moved in with my family for a year, she slept with me. Naturally, when I moved into this home in July, as delighted as she was with her princess room, she just can't sleep unless I'm with her. It's 10:30. I was trying to put her to sleep in her room so I could get some office work done. She kept rubbing her little eyes trying to stay awake because she knew that sooner or later I would get up and leave. At 10:15 she yawned and said..."Mommy- I'm waiting for you to go back to your room so I can come with you. When will that be?". OH GOOD GOD. The kid is waiting me out! Foiled!
I knew I had to get some stuff done so I caved. "Alright...Fine...Come with me". She beamed, walked with me to my room, got into the bed and fell right to sleep. Like, immediately. I was lying with her in her room wasting an hour and a half and she out-waited me. I suck at this game.
Well...Back to work. I have this little angel sleeping snuggled up next to me as I'm typing. I almost want to pick her up and put her in her bed. Almost. But that's my competitive side. (What- like you thought I'd enjoy being outwit by a 4 yr old???).
My maternal side won't let me do it. Something about the warmth, of hearing her little breaths, or maybe it's those long lashes. Nope. Can't do it. Lucky nobody in the office knows I'm this soft. I lose. She wins.
I knew I had to get some stuff done so I caved. "Alright...Fine...Come with me". She beamed, walked with me to my room, got into the bed and fell right to sleep. Like, immediately. I was lying with her in her room wasting an hour and a half and she out-waited me. I suck at this game.
Well...Back to work. I have this little angel sleeping snuggled up next to me as I'm typing. I almost want to pick her up and put her in her bed. Almost. But that's my competitive side. (What- like you thought I'd enjoy being outwit by a 4 yr old???).
My maternal side won't let me do it. Something about the warmth, of hearing her little breaths, or maybe it's those long lashes. Nope. Can't do it. Lucky nobody in the office knows I'm this soft. I lose. She wins.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Some Good Friends
Well, the weekend is almost over....I'll soon be able to throw myself into work and get my mind off the upcoming divorce papers. Except...My son seems to be getting the start of a cold, so if that doesn't get better, I may not go in tomorrow.
This weekend has felt a bit like I've been hit by a Mac Truck. I'm exhausted from all the emotion. My eyes are swollen and puffy, and I've barely slept. But as usual my friends have been awesome, and hey, I'm still standing.
One girlfriend came over on Friday night to drop off some ice cream. She didn't know what was up, and to be honest, I didn't really want her over...I kind of wanted to sit alone and just...I don't know...Sulk. She came in, took one look and me and stayed till around midnight. I'm so glad that she did. It made me realize that I wasn't crazy for feeling this way, and reassured me that no matter what, I would be fine.
Then there was my sister, who on Saturday gave me my practical dose of reality. Why on earth would you shed a single tear when you've spent the past 12 years covering bruises with makeup. Yes it sucks that the marriage ended, and that you have children who will inevitably have a rough time...But what options do you have...Wait until he tries to choke them again? True. Harsh, but true. I needed that.
Then there was today. I tried to spend the day alone, but my mom insisted that I be at her house for dinner. Apparently my sister told her what had happened. Family is awesome....They won't let you wallow in self pity. Not even for a second.
I also spoke to my girlfriend who is also separated. She basically told me to hold to my faith...To trust that God will take care of me, and that something good will come in the future. I know it will...She's right. She's also right that I should make sure we both handle this with integrity and kindness. Don't part on bad terms. Be kind to one another. You have children that you will be parenting together forever. That's an important shared responsibility.
Then there was my Friday night ice-cream friend's husband (also my friend) who reassured me that it's normal to feel like this, that I'm not made of stone, and that no matter how hard the marriage became in the end, it was still a 12 year marriage and a 20 year relationship...You can't just forget that or sign it away without feeling something. He's right, I can't. That just wouldn't be me.
Still, I'm hoping the next few weeks will go by fast. They're going to be really difficult. If nothing else, at least I'll have closure.
This weekend has felt a bit like I've been hit by a Mac Truck. I'm exhausted from all the emotion. My eyes are swollen and puffy, and I've barely slept. But as usual my friends have been awesome, and hey, I'm still standing.
One girlfriend came over on Friday night to drop off some ice cream. She didn't know what was up, and to be honest, I didn't really want her over...I kind of wanted to sit alone and just...I don't know...Sulk. She came in, took one look and me and stayed till around midnight. I'm so glad that she did. It made me realize that I wasn't crazy for feeling this way, and reassured me that no matter what, I would be fine.
Then there was my sister, who on Saturday gave me my practical dose of reality. Why on earth would you shed a single tear when you've spent the past 12 years covering bruises with makeup. Yes it sucks that the marriage ended, and that you have children who will inevitably have a rough time...But what options do you have...Wait until he tries to choke them again? True. Harsh, but true. I needed that.
Then there was today. I tried to spend the day alone, but my mom insisted that I be at her house for dinner. Apparently my sister told her what had happened. Family is awesome....They won't let you wallow in self pity. Not even for a second.
I also spoke to my girlfriend who is also separated. She basically told me to hold to my faith...To trust that God will take care of me, and that something good will come in the future. I know it will...She's right. She's also right that I should make sure we both handle this with integrity and kindness. Don't part on bad terms. Be kind to one another. You have children that you will be parenting together forever. That's an important shared responsibility.
Then there was my Friday night ice-cream friend's husband (also my friend) who reassured me that it's normal to feel like this, that I'm not made of stone, and that no matter how hard the marriage became in the end, it was still a 12 year marriage and a 20 year relationship...You can't just forget that or sign it away without feeling something. He's right, I can't. That just wouldn't be me.
Still, I'm hoping the next few weeks will go by fast. They're going to be really difficult. If nothing else, at least I'll have closure.
Primary Relationships
Primary relationships are a funny thing. I've just realized that there are only ever a few primary relationships in our lives. You have a primary relationship with your spouse and children, but the relationship with children is unconditional and the one with a spouse is not.
If a spouse cheats on you, hits you, hurts you etc, then you walk, and that relationship ends. It's conditional. With your children, the relationship is unconditional. Look in history at some of the worst people in the world. They can do the most horrible things, but their parents will still love them. They may not see them, they may keep their distance, but the nature of a parent-child relationship is very different from a spousal one.
I now have one primary relationship left in this world. It's with my children. Everything I do from this point on will be for them, or for myself, which indirectly is also for them. A happy mother is a better mother. A miserable one is one a child would want to avoid.
I should be getting the divorce papers in about two more weeks. The lawyers are drafting them up right now. I thought that I would get my mind off the emotional stuff and clean out my bedroom closet. When the divorce is final, I'm re-doing my bedroom- buying a new bedroom set, new bedding, drapes, and I'm going to create a special space for myself.
While cleaning my closet, I found a box with letters. All the letters. Letters to my ex dated back to when I was fourteen, when I first met him. That was a lifetime ago. I opened one and read it. All I could think was 'you stupid stupid young thing. You had no clue what you were in for'. I put the letter back in the envelope, put the envelope back in the box and put it away. I didn't want to read the rest of them. I wanted to throw the box out, to purge everything, but I decided not to. It's not something I should do when I'm this upset, but maybe I'll do it in a couple of months.
I had a good dose of my sister yesterday. She's very matter of fact about things. She's also biased, because she despises my ex. She just told me that nothing has changed over the past 2 years with my ex. That I'm free of 12 years of hell, and that I no longer have to wake up wondering what mood he will be in for the day. It's all over, and as hard as it is to let go of some of the good stuff, it should be easy to close the chapter on the bad stuff.
She's right. I shouldn't be shocked that he's filing. I told him to file, and told him there was no hope of reconciling. After all, how much can a guy take? Everyone has their breaking point, and everyone has their pride.
My children will be home in 3 hours. I'm dying to see them. I just want to hold them tight and sit under a big blanket and watch children's movies. Tonight, I think I need to be a child with them. I need to forget how hellish this weekend has been, and just enjoy their company. Tomorrow I get to go back to work...And I'll be able to get my mind off things.
If a spouse cheats on you, hits you, hurts you etc, then you walk, and that relationship ends. It's conditional. With your children, the relationship is unconditional. Look in history at some of the worst people in the world. They can do the most horrible things, but their parents will still love them. They may not see them, they may keep their distance, but the nature of a parent-child relationship is very different from a spousal one.
I now have one primary relationship left in this world. It's with my children. Everything I do from this point on will be for them, or for myself, which indirectly is also for them. A happy mother is a better mother. A miserable one is one a child would want to avoid.
I should be getting the divorce papers in about two more weeks. The lawyers are drafting them up right now. I thought that I would get my mind off the emotional stuff and clean out my bedroom closet. When the divorce is final, I'm re-doing my bedroom- buying a new bedroom set, new bedding, drapes, and I'm going to create a special space for myself.
While cleaning my closet, I found a box with letters. All the letters. Letters to my ex dated back to when I was fourteen, when I first met him. That was a lifetime ago. I opened one and read it. All I could think was 'you stupid stupid young thing. You had no clue what you were in for'. I put the letter back in the envelope, put the envelope back in the box and put it away. I didn't want to read the rest of them. I wanted to throw the box out, to purge everything, but I decided not to. It's not something I should do when I'm this upset, but maybe I'll do it in a couple of months.
I had a good dose of my sister yesterday. She's very matter of fact about things. She's also biased, because she despises my ex. She just told me that nothing has changed over the past 2 years with my ex. That I'm free of 12 years of hell, and that I no longer have to wake up wondering what mood he will be in for the day. It's all over, and as hard as it is to let go of some of the good stuff, it should be easy to close the chapter on the bad stuff.
She's right. I shouldn't be shocked that he's filing. I told him to file, and told him there was no hope of reconciling. After all, how much can a guy take? Everyone has their breaking point, and everyone has their pride.
My children will be home in 3 hours. I'm dying to see them. I just want to hold them tight and sit under a big blanket and watch children's movies. Tonight, I think I need to be a child with them. I need to forget how hellish this weekend has been, and just enjoy their company. Tomorrow I get to go back to work...And I'll be able to get my mind off things.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The End is Near
I'm having a brutal day. I never thought this would happen to me. I thought I'd handle everything better than I am. I never thought I'd spend a weekend being this emotional and upset over something that I knew would end up happening.
For the past few weeks my ex and I have been talking about finalizing things. We've been talking about filing the divorce papers. A few months ago, I asked him if we could file, and he wanted more time. He wasn't ready to file yet, wanted us to give it more time, see if things would change. So we agreed to let it wait. Last week, we talked about it again and agreed to wait three more months. I protested and said that there was no point...What would three months resolve...But he insisted and I agreed. Then out of the blue, last night, he told me that he'd seen his lawyer and started the final divorce process. I was shocked. I didn't expect it, but more so, I didn't expect my reaction.
I'm not sure what it is that threw me off. My sister says she fully expected me to be this emotional whenever we decided to finalize things. I just didn't think I would be. There are a few reasons. I always thought I would be the one to file the papers. I didn't expect it to come from him. I was also getting somewhat comfortable with this interim state. Being separated but not quite divorced. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that we've been relatively decent to eachother in this state. Maybe it's that I haven't had to hear the crap from our community because things haven't finalized. Or maybe I was just waiting because it was nice to have a backup plan (yes I know how horrible that sounds).
I know I'm the one who has been pushing for the divorce. I'm the one who left. I just thought I would be the one to file. I didn't expect to be handed divorce papers. I didn't expect he would give up. I think I almost feel that he didn't have the right to, given the fact that he caused most of the issues. I'm reading this, and I know it's completely selfish and irrational, but that's just what it is.
The other thing that gets me is that everything is about to be completely final. I hate final irreversible decisions. On a personal front, I'm a very indecisive person. This sucks. I also never wanted to be another divorce statistic. I never fail at anything. I never thought I'd fail at marriage.
This weekend has been crappy. It's made me reflect about all the good times, and the bad times. I feel sad for the children, I feel like they are about to be ripped off. I feel sad that I wasted 12 years of my life. I feel shocked that I never let myself feel anything on this front before. It's been a completely unemotional process. Matter of fact.
It's not that I think this marriage had a chance. It didn't. We tried too many times to make it work. It had become unbearable for me in the end. It's not that I want to stay married to my ex. I don't. It's just that the whole thing just really hit me at once, and I didn't expect all the emotion. I didn't see this coming. It's just all such a big waste.
There's also the uncertainty. That's a big problem. Not knowing what the future will hold. Now that's really scary.
I truly believe you only get one real chance at happiness. One. I failed at marriage, so that ship has sailed. Now it's about finding contentment. I think my goal is to be content from here on, and for making sure the children get a chance at happiness. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but this is what I feel right now.
I can't wait until Monday. I love the office. It's an awesome retreat from my other reality. 36 hours to go till I go back in to work.
For the past few weeks my ex and I have been talking about finalizing things. We've been talking about filing the divorce papers. A few months ago, I asked him if we could file, and he wanted more time. He wasn't ready to file yet, wanted us to give it more time, see if things would change. So we agreed to let it wait. Last week, we talked about it again and agreed to wait three more months. I protested and said that there was no point...What would three months resolve...But he insisted and I agreed. Then out of the blue, last night, he told me that he'd seen his lawyer and started the final divorce process. I was shocked. I didn't expect it, but more so, I didn't expect my reaction.
I'm not sure what it is that threw me off. My sister says she fully expected me to be this emotional whenever we decided to finalize things. I just didn't think I would be. There are a few reasons. I always thought I would be the one to file the papers. I didn't expect it to come from him. I was also getting somewhat comfortable with this interim state. Being separated but not quite divorced. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that we've been relatively decent to eachother in this state. Maybe it's that I haven't had to hear the crap from our community because things haven't finalized. Or maybe I was just waiting because it was nice to have a backup plan (yes I know how horrible that sounds).
I know I'm the one who has been pushing for the divorce. I'm the one who left. I just thought I would be the one to file. I didn't expect to be handed divorce papers. I didn't expect he would give up. I think I almost feel that he didn't have the right to, given the fact that he caused most of the issues. I'm reading this, and I know it's completely selfish and irrational, but that's just what it is.
The other thing that gets me is that everything is about to be completely final. I hate final irreversible decisions. On a personal front, I'm a very indecisive person. This sucks. I also never wanted to be another divorce statistic. I never fail at anything. I never thought I'd fail at marriage.
This weekend has been crappy. It's made me reflect about all the good times, and the bad times. I feel sad for the children, I feel like they are about to be ripped off. I feel sad that I wasted 12 years of my life. I feel shocked that I never let myself feel anything on this front before. It's been a completely unemotional process. Matter of fact.
It's not that I think this marriage had a chance. It didn't. We tried too many times to make it work. It had become unbearable for me in the end. It's not that I want to stay married to my ex. I don't. It's just that the whole thing just really hit me at once, and I didn't expect all the emotion. I didn't see this coming. It's just all such a big waste.
There's also the uncertainty. That's a big problem. Not knowing what the future will hold. Now that's really scary.
I truly believe you only get one real chance at happiness. One. I failed at marriage, so that ship has sailed. Now it's about finding contentment. I think my goal is to be content from here on, and for making sure the children get a chance at happiness. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but this is what I feel right now.
I can't wait until Monday. I love the office. It's an awesome retreat from my other reality. 36 hours to go till I go back in to work.
Friday, January 13, 2006
New Car
So I picked up my new car last week. I actually liked it. It's the newly redesigned 2006 Civic. Cheap, good on gas, reliable. Good move. It's actually quite sleek. It's funny- they gave it the Acura body so it looks much better than the older models. When I went to WalMart to pick up some stuff, the Walmart guy was like THAT'S a CIVIC? Damn- girl- that thing is nice!
I know...I was ok with it. A bit of a step down from the Pathfinder I used to drive, but still, I was enjoying it.
Then last night it started to screech. Like loud. Like my kids are covering their ears loud. So I spent 2 hrs this morning at Honda. Not exactly what you want to do one week after dumping your money in a new car. Not a good experience at all. Especially considering I haven't even made my first payment of five years of upcoming payments. I felt like crap.
So I drive in all panicked and the Honda dude asks what the Odometer reading is. I tell him that it's 561. He laughs and says "oh sweetheart, I said O-dometer, not trip-ometer".
OK- Can I tell you how much this ticked me off? What- cuz I'm a woman- you assume I'm too idiotic to know the difference between the Odometer and the tripometer? Idiot. So I reply with my best smile ever "oh honey- actually- that IS the Odometer- would you like to double check?? I actually DO know the difference". I was about to tell him that I wasn't his sweetheart, but forget it. ARG ARG ARG.
So two hours later he tells me its the new brake pads. Squeaking. Now, I've been driving since I was 16, and I may not be a mechanic, but I do know that it's not normal for a new car to do that. So I told him that. He told me to give it another 1000 km to break it in. He said I was probably "too gentle on the brakes". OK- Am I gentle when I'm driving 160 on the hwy? What the heck does that mean anyways? Whatever. I give him my shpeel about how this really sours the whole new car experience, and that I will be back in exactly 1001 km.
But I'm still not satisfied. So I call the sales guy. He's much better. He tells me he's heard of that cuz Honda just re-engineered the brakes and brake pads. OK- so what if it doesn't go away? He tells me "don't worry- we will take care of you. I promise. This is a Honda- we will take care of you". I trust him, I leave. But I'm not sure.
I'm not trying to be cynical, but would it be different if I were a man? I mean, I bought a new car, precisely so I could avoid the mechanic thing....This is not fun.
I know...I was ok with it. A bit of a step down from the Pathfinder I used to drive, but still, I was enjoying it.
Then last night it started to screech. Like loud. Like my kids are covering their ears loud. So I spent 2 hrs this morning at Honda. Not exactly what you want to do one week after dumping your money in a new car. Not a good experience at all. Especially considering I haven't even made my first payment of five years of upcoming payments. I felt like crap.
So I drive in all panicked and the Honda dude asks what the Odometer reading is. I tell him that it's 561. He laughs and says "oh sweetheart, I said O-dometer, not trip-ometer".
OK- Can I tell you how much this ticked me off? What- cuz I'm a woman- you assume I'm too idiotic to know the difference between the Odometer and the tripometer? Idiot. So I reply with my best smile ever "oh honey- actually- that IS the Odometer- would you like to double check?? I actually DO know the difference". I was about to tell him that I wasn't his sweetheart, but forget it. ARG ARG ARG.
So two hours later he tells me its the new brake pads. Squeaking. Now, I've been driving since I was 16, and I may not be a mechanic, but I do know that it's not normal for a new car to do that. So I told him that. He told me to give it another 1000 km to break it in. He said I was probably "too gentle on the brakes". OK- Am I gentle when I'm driving 160 on the hwy? What the heck does that mean anyways? Whatever. I give him my shpeel about how this really sours the whole new car experience, and that I will be back in exactly 1001 km.
But I'm still not satisfied. So I call the sales guy. He's much better. He tells me he's heard of that cuz Honda just re-engineered the brakes and brake pads. OK- so what if it doesn't go away? He tells me "don't worry- we will take care of you. I promise. This is a Honda- we will take care of you". I trust him, I leave. But I'm not sure.
I'm not trying to be cynical, but would it be different if I were a man? I mean, I bought a new car, precisely so I could avoid the mechanic thing....This is not fun.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
The Night Before Eid...
Man I'm tired. It's the night before Eid, well sort of. That depends on which group of Muslims you agree with. Some celebrated Eid today, and the others will celebrate tomorrow. And here we are: Divided we stand. I'm so tired of this, I can't even bother giving the shpeel yet again. To make a long story short, this time, I let my parents pick the day they wanted to celebrate, and I took one day off work. I was not prepared to do the 2 day vacation yet again, especially not after 2 weeks off work. My parents follow the Indo-Pak community, so for them, tomorrow is Eid. Herdish little community, don't you think?
I'm supposed to be wrapping the children's presents right now, but they are in the basement (the presents, not the children), in the furnace room, and well, I'm too tired to go down there, and its spooky in the basement. Yes, I'm afraid of the dark...And of creepy places. So I'll go in the morning. I've set the alarm for 5. I have to wrap presents, iron clothes, get everyone showered and dressed and to my parent's place by 8:30am so we can make it to prayer by 9. Here's the funny thing- since tomorrow is the Indo Pak community celebrating, I know full well that there will be 2 prayers. One at 9 and then one at 10, because- well, Indo/Pak standard time means everyone will be late. So my family will rush to catch the 9am prayer, and we'll make it just in time for the 10am prayer. Then we will come home, eat my mom's special lunch, open presents, and then off to visit aunts, uncles and grandparents in the evening. Yes- that will include a visit with the oh so wonderfully nosy aunt. Don't ask...I still intend to avoid her. See? I'm getting better- I didn't stress for 3 days this time. Now THAT's progress.
I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. For some reason, my children are really excited so that makes me excited. And they are so excited to go to prayer...Which I find to be kind of neat. Most kids would be dying just to open presents. My brother and sis in law gave them their presents this evening, and they were so excited to see that they got new clothes- cute little Indian outfits that they can wear tomorrow- they are both going to look really adorable. I find it neat that my children love getting clothes as gifts. They must be the only kids on the planet who are like that. I know, the apple never falls far from the tree.
I'm supposed to be wrapping the children's presents right now, but they are in the basement (the presents, not the children), in the furnace room, and well, I'm too tired to go down there, and its spooky in the basement. Yes, I'm afraid of the dark...And of creepy places. So I'll go in the morning. I've set the alarm for 5. I have to wrap presents, iron clothes, get everyone showered and dressed and to my parent's place by 8:30am so we can make it to prayer by 9. Here's the funny thing- since tomorrow is the Indo Pak community celebrating, I know full well that there will be 2 prayers. One at 9 and then one at 10, because- well, Indo/Pak standard time means everyone will be late. So my family will rush to catch the 9am prayer, and we'll make it just in time for the 10am prayer. Then we will come home, eat my mom's special lunch, open presents, and then off to visit aunts, uncles and grandparents in the evening. Yes- that will include a visit with the oh so wonderfully nosy aunt. Don't ask...I still intend to avoid her. See? I'm getting better- I didn't stress for 3 days this time. Now THAT's progress.
I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. For some reason, my children are really excited so that makes me excited. And they are so excited to go to prayer...Which I find to be kind of neat. Most kids would be dying just to open presents. My brother and sis in law gave them their presents this evening, and they were so excited to see that they got new clothes- cute little Indian outfits that they can wear tomorrow- they are both going to look really adorable. I find it neat that my children love getting clothes as gifts. They must be the only kids on the planet who are like that. I know, the apple never falls far from the tree.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Computer Virus
For all the people who have emailed me asking where I've been, thanks for all your concern guys. I'm doing fine. My computer was infected with a nasty virus on New Year's Eve, and well, I've been without one since then. I had to send mine back to the office and have my tech friends fix it for me. Yes, it was an office computer...Stop laughing at me.
I feel Amish having been without a computer for a week, and I am proud to say that I did, in fact, manage to leave the blackberry off. I am, however, looking forward to going back to my work routine, but promise to be better at managing the work/home balance.
Since my laptop was re-imaged, I've lost all wireless settings and internet stuff, so we will be fixing all that tomorrow. I should be back up to speed by tomorrow night, just in time for the work week, and for my office work-from-home routine.
On another note, what is the deal with our community? I can thank 'anonymous' for rightly pointing out that it is a few arrogant Muslim community leaders who are to blame, but here we go again. Our second Eid is this Tuesday, AND Wednesday, or so I hear, as we still can't seem to get our act together and agree on ONE day. It feels like we will NEVER get our act together....I am SO embarrassed.
Sadly, I don't know if I will get the time off work, since I just took two weeks off. My dad reminded me that it is truly pathetic that I can take two weeks off at Christmas, but that I can't take a day off for Eid. Truthfully, that one is my fault. I forgot about Eid when I took my vacation, so I can't exactly go in on Monday after 2 weeks off and ask for Tuesday (or Wednesday) off again....So it looks like I may have to work through Eid.
I feel Amish having been without a computer for a week, and I am proud to say that I did, in fact, manage to leave the blackberry off. I am, however, looking forward to going back to my work routine, but promise to be better at managing the work/home balance.
Since my laptop was re-imaged, I've lost all wireless settings and internet stuff, so we will be fixing all that tomorrow. I should be back up to speed by tomorrow night, just in time for the work week, and for my office work-from-home routine.
On another note, what is the deal with our community? I can thank 'anonymous' for rightly pointing out that it is a few arrogant Muslim community leaders who are to blame, but here we go again. Our second Eid is this Tuesday, AND Wednesday, or so I hear, as we still can't seem to get our act together and agree on ONE day. It feels like we will NEVER get our act together....I am SO embarrassed.
Sadly, I don't know if I will get the time off work, since I just took two weeks off. My dad reminded me that it is truly pathetic that I can take two weeks off at Christmas, but that I can't take a day off for Eid. Truthfully, that one is my fault. I forgot about Eid when I took my vacation, so I can't exactly go in on Monday after 2 weeks off and ask for Tuesday (or Wednesday) off again....So it looks like I may have to work through Eid.
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