Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Gratitude Journal

I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago.  A friend told me that it would give me perspective and help me learn to appreciate all the good I have in my life.  So I took her advice, and I have to say, it was a fab idea.

I'm not saying it instantly makes everything better- we still have problems, and I have more than my fair share,and candidly, they just seem to be getting bigger.  But when you spend 5 mins a day being thankful for our blessings, the problems feel just a slight bit more manageable.

For example, when Dr. Clive passed away, I forced myself to write in the journal.  I was grateful to have known such an incredible human being.  I was grateful to have been blessed enough to have him in my life.  And I was grateful to have had him in my life as long as he was with us.  The process of writing in the journal made me feel a whole lot better.

I also found that the more I stuck to the routine of "counting my blessings" the more I realized just how many blessings I have.  As much as I do have my share of garbage to deal with, I also have a lot to be thankful for.

So today, I am grateful for my gratitude journal, and for the friend who encouraged me to write in it. :)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

In 5 Years...

I bought a new car in February.  Nothing fancy.  A little Mazda 3, but it's a cute peppy little car.  When I bought it, I remember telling one of my friends "It's not the BMW I wanted, but I can't afford that car right now.  Maybe I will sell this in 3 years and get my BMW".

My friend's response- You will do no such thing.  He said "You do realize that in 5 years' time, your son will be just going to college and will need a new car.  I think you should hold onto this one for 5 years so you can pass it down to him".

My reaction- complete shock.  I mean, he is only 12 years old.  I never thought about college.  That's such a big-boy thing.  I can't even imagine high school.  I was completely frozen when he said it.

My son's reaction (he was in earshot)- Yeah!  This is MY CAR!!!

Kids.

The upside- he is taking really good care of the car.  He is the first to clean the inside, to tell his sister "don't eat in my car!" and to remind me when we need to car wash it so it keeps well.

Too funny.  Well, that's silver lining for you.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Still a Deadbeat...

Once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat.

So here is what I don't get...why does our legal system allow for a proven asshole to keep showing his assholeness while the great parents (like myself) continue to deal with the garbage, without an end in sight?

My ex has basically refused to work with the CAS.  He has told them that they have no business being involved in our family.  And he hung up on them.  And then he called me with an ultimatum.  Either I bypass the CAS, give him 50/50 custody and 50/50 access or he will refuse to see the children ever again.

Seriously - WTF?

The kids have told him that they are afraid to see him unsupervised.  They have told him they do not want to live with him 50% of the time.  Yet he basically is following through on his original threat - he is having another child with his new wife (yes you read correctly- the baby is due in the beginning of June), and he has basically followed through on his original threat.  He wants the children to comply to his 50/50 demands or he will start a new family and never see them again.

A serious grade A jerk.  And the messed up thing...he thinks he is father of the year.  I just don't get it.  People are really really stupid.

While given the circumstances, the children are probably better off without the instability from their father, I know this will be difficult for them, and my heart bleeds for them.  I wish I could take all their sorrows and deal with them on my children's behalf.

Needless to say, all this is very emotionally disturbing for the children.  I am trying to keep them positive, and I am reminding myself (and the children) that after hardship always comes ease.  This may not feel fair at this time, but God is the master planner, and there is always a reason for everything.  This will all be for the better, and one day they will understand why.  But today is not that day.

Hoping this will eventually lead to a more stable life for my babies....yes, I know they are 12 and 10, but they will always be babies to me.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Saying Goodbye to Dr. Clive

My good friends know how special Dr. Clive was in our lives.  I wrote about him in an earlier post.  He was our MD.  I met him when I was 2 years old, 38 years ago, and he has been with our family for the entire 38 years.  While our relationship with him was strictly professional, and he was a very serious professional (he maintained confidentiality at all times, never stepped outside of proper medical practice, never misrepresented anything), I can honestly say that I would never have made it this far without him.  He is the person who held me up.  When I was married and went in with the bruises on my face, he documented them, despite my begging him not to.  I was so afraid that my then-husband would find out that I had a paper trail on the bruises, I begged him not to write anything down.  He told me as a professional he had to, and he told me I would thank him later.  And I did.  He had so much wisdom.

He watched my life unfold.  He was there when I started kinder-garden, when I moved on through school into high school.  He was there when I first met my ex.  He watched me get married, have children, go through my divorce, and he encouraged me as I struggled through rebuilding my life.  He is the MD for my children, my grandparents, my parents, uncles, aunts, siblings.  He counseled me.  He let me cry on his shoulder for half an hour at a time and never rushed me.  He gave me a hug every time I left his office and he reassured me that I would get through this, that I am a strong girl, that I am a great mother, and that one day, I would learn to love and trust again.  And even during my many rants about how horrible my ex was, he would remind me that yes horrible things happened to me, and yes, he was not right for me, but that mental illness is not that clear cut and that while I shouldn't spend my life with an abusive man, and while I should continue to protect my children, I should still always wish well for my ex, because some of this is his mental illness acting out.  What a kind, patient, and loving human being.

A week and a half ago, Dr. Clive passed away unexpectedly.  He had a heart attack.  I found out the day after the  funeral, and I have been devastated ever since.  I haven't told the children, I couldn't do it, because they absolutely adore him.  And for me, this leaves a massive void.  You see, yes he was a professional, and yes it was a professional relationship.  But Dr. Clive was an honest man, a good man, and despite everything, he still demonstrated the incredible ability to act honorably.

Most of all- he gave me hope that there could be a few good men left in the world.   That not all men hurt people and break hearts.  That not all men are driven by greed.   I haven't met many great men, I can probably only name a handful of them, but he definitely was one, and that itself was inspiring.

I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago.  And on the night that I heard of his passing, at first, I had no desire to write in it.  I felt miserable. I cried for days.  I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach.  And then I forced myself to do it, if nothing else, to honor the man that gave me so much guidance and perspective in life.  And the things I was thankful for that night were:

  1.  That I was blessed enough to know such an honorable, honest man, and to have him in our lives for 38 years.
  2. That Dr. Clive was able to help me and my children in such a profound way- while he felt bad for my ex's mental situation, he took the responsibility of writing to the courts and informing them of how dangerous he was towards me and the children.
  3. That I was able to make it through my most difficult years because of the support of people like Dr. Clive and other professionals.
  4. That God loved me and blessed me with support.  He did not leave me on my own.
Goodbye Dr. Clive.  We love you.  And we hope you are in a better place.  God Bless.