The assessment continues. Work continues. My ex's supervised visitations continue. For the past two weeks I have been just plugging along. The assessor is on vacation, so there is a pause in our timeline. Quite frankly, I don't mind the pause. Life has been so busy that I can afford to spare a few hours a week.
Interestingly enough, although life is very stressful right now (peak of a court case and assessment etc), I am feeling calm and content. I just realized the other day that I am happier at this point, at this moment in my life than I have ever been before. EVER. Wow. That speaks volumes.
I've also realized that for the first time in my life, I'm feeling comfortable with whatever will come my way. Of course, this could change in a few months' time, but for the time being, I feel like whatever the outcome of the court case, I will be OK.
Here is what I have realized. When I look back at all the large, catastrophic things that have happened in my life, I see that they have always resulted in something better. Always. Even if it feels unbearable while I go through it, I find that things have always worked out for the best.
The two most catastrophic things that I can think of were my hospitalization in 2004 and my divorce. But at the end of the day, it was the hospitalization that made me decide to file for divorce (I was told by the neurologist that I didn't have MS as they originally thought, but rather, that I had a stress attack bad enough to shut my body down completely). The divorce was difficult, but I am now happier than ever. The divorce, while difficult to go through, was better for me in the grande scheme of things.
Whatever the outcome of this court case, I know that I will be fine, as nothing can be worse than what I have already experienced. It can only get better from here. And even if something seems impossible or too difficult, I am confident that in the end, it will all work out for the best.
It always does. Thank God.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
First Visit with Dad
The children saw their dad today for the first time in over 8 weeks. They have had telephone conversations in between in which their father has promised not to hurt them again. I know they miss him, and I know they want to believe in him. They keep saying "maybe this time he means it. Maybe he won't do bad things anymore". I don't say much when they say that. I can't blame them for being hopeful. I mean, I was hopeful for 11 years. I just learned from experience. Am I hopeful this time through? Not really. Especially not where the children are concerned. Let's just say that I've learned from my mistakes and experiences. This man cannot and will not change. The anger is part of him. It's in his blood. It's who he is.
Anyhow, all that being said, I did see the humiliation on his face to have to be at a supervision place to see his children. I also saw the anger towards me when I dropped off the children. It was in his eyes. Like I am somehow to blame for the mess that he has created. I guess that is the thing with abusive men....they can never own their issues, they always have to pin everything on someone else. I guess that is also why they never change. And so the cycle continues.
They will see their dad again tomorrow. Apparently, they had a nice visit today. I'm glad for them. I explained to them beforehand that they would be fully protected. I know they went in feeling confident. Just to confirm, my daughter did ask me one last time before leaving the house "what happens if he yells at us or tries to hurt us?" I explained that someone would be there to take care of them, and if he started to get angry they would call me to come and get them. She seemed to feel better.
After the visit, the children told me the setup was much like a focus group. Each family had a little room to play in. They had a glass window behind which sat a case worker who was listening to everything and taking notes. The children seemed ok with this. They have another visit tomorrow. I'm sure all the visits will go well. I mean, he knows he is under the microscope, so I fully expect him to be on his best behaviour. Let's watch over the next few weeks and see how things go.
Anyhow, all that being said, I did see the humiliation on his face to have to be at a supervision place to see his children. I also saw the anger towards me when I dropped off the children. It was in his eyes. Like I am somehow to blame for the mess that he has created. I guess that is the thing with abusive men....they can never own their issues, they always have to pin everything on someone else. I guess that is also why they never change. And so the cycle continues.
They will see their dad again tomorrow. Apparently, they had a nice visit today. I'm glad for them. I explained to them beforehand that they would be fully protected. I know they went in feeling confident. Just to confirm, my daughter did ask me one last time before leaving the house "what happens if he yells at us or tries to hurt us?" I explained that someone would be there to take care of them, and if he started to get angry they would call me to come and get them. She seemed to feel better.
After the visit, the children told me the setup was much like a focus group. Each family had a little room to play in. They had a glass window behind which sat a case worker who was listening to everything and taking notes. The children seemed ok with this. They have another visit tomorrow. I'm sure all the visits will go well. I mean, he knows he is under the microscope, so I fully expect him to be on his best behaviour. Let's watch over the next few weeks and see how things go.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Social Worker Visit
The children got to see the social worker today. She came by and explained the process for the supervised access to the children. They seemed OK with it. I'm glad they had a chance to understand what their visits with their dad will be like. Managing expectations is a good thing, especially with young children.
Sadly, I had to share with the social worker the details of the children's last phone call with their dad. He called on Sunday for all of 2 minutes. His questions were very specific:
I basically had to email him and tell him that am finding his constant line of questioning very intrusive and obsessive. I mean, he already knows about my relationship with Mr. NYC, as it is the reason for my request to move to New York. I'm not sure why he thinks it is his business to know where Mr. NYC stays when he visits me, how often he comes here, or where he sleeps when he visits. Nor is it appropriate to be asking these questions of small children. I told him that I am finding his questions very scary and I am very uncomfortable with the way that he keeps tabs on my life. I do not ask the children these questions when they visit him and would appreciate it if he would show the same respect.
Honestly, he is NEVER going to let me be happy. Never.
Sadly, I had to share with the social worker the details of the children's last phone call with their dad. He called on Sunday for all of 2 minutes. His questions were very specific:
- Who is over right now?
- Are you going anywhere today?
- Have you spent time with mom's male friends lately?
- Is Mr. NYC coming over?
- Has Mr. NYC come over lately?
- Where did Mr. NYC stay when he visited?
I basically had to email him and tell him that am finding his constant line of questioning very intrusive and obsessive. I mean, he already knows about my relationship with Mr. NYC, as it is the reason for my request to move to New York. I'm not sure why he thinks it is his business to know where Mr. NYC stays when he visits me, how often he comes here, or where he sleeps when he visits. Nor is it appropriate to be asking these questions of small children. I told him that I am finding his questions very scary and I am very uncomfortable with the way that he keeps tabs on my life. I do not ask the children these questions when they visit him and would appreciate it if he would show the same respect.
Honestly, he is NEVER going to let me be happy. Never.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
And She is HOME!!!
Mom is finally home. She came home on Monday night, and she is recovering quite nicely. I am so incredibly grateful.
The weekend was insane with all the snowstorms in Toronto. My sister stayed over this weekend so she could be closer to the hospital, and closer to my mom. Unfortunately, we were snowed in for a big chunk of the weekend, but we survived it.
As for the children's first CAS supervised visitation, both visits (Sat and Sun) were cancelled due to the storm. I'm sure he must not have been too happy to hear about that. Well, that's what you get for beating on your kids. Sorry people, but I have no sympathy for him...
On another note, I have found myself in a surprising sense of calm. I mean, this was a crappy month. Mom was in and out of the hospital, I have the ongoing assessment, work was busy, I was falling behind, but you know, I feel like no matter what happens, everything is going to be OK. One of my dear friends continues to remind me that no matter what happens, no matter what comes of this court case, I will be better off. I actually think he is right.
I went to my naturopath today. (The one who has been monitoring my stress hormones). Last time, in January, they were at 3.6 times normal levels. We are trying to get them to 1 which is an ideal normal. Today, we found that I lost 3lbs, and my stress hormone levels were at 1.6. WOW! We were both shocked. I mean, I am going through a very hard month, and my stress hormones hit an all time low. Maybe I'm getting better at coping with things? I mean, I have decided to deal with everything one day at a time. I have accepted that life will be pure hell until June. (at least). So now, every day my goal has been to make it through the day as best as I can. June, after all, is really not that far away. It's actually on the horizon. I just need to keep afloat until June. I think I'm getting there.
Well, if nothing else, I am doing something correctly. I hope I can keep it up.
The weekend was insane with all the snowstorms in Toronto. My sister stayed over this weekend so she could be closer to the hospital, and closer to my mom. Unfortunately, we were snowed in for a big chunk of the weekend, but we survived it.
As for the children's first CAS supervised visitation, both visits (Sat and Sun) were cancelled due to the storm. I'm sure he must not have been too happy to hear about that. Well, that's what you get for beating on your kids. Sorry people, but I have no sympathy for him...
On another note, I have found myself in a surprising sense of calm. I mean, this was a crappy month. Mom was in and out of the hospital, I have the ongoing assessment, work was busy, I was falling behind, but you know, I feel like no matter what happens, everything is going to be OK. One of my dear friends continues to remind me that no matter what happens, no matter what comes of this court case, I will be better off. I actually think he is right.
I went to my naturopath today. (The one who has been monitoring my stress hormones). Last time, in January, they were at 3.6 times normal levels. We are trying to get them to 1 which is an ideal normal. Today, we found that I lost 3lbs, and my stress hormone levels were at 1.6. WOW! We were both shocked. I mean, I am going through a very hard month, and my stress hormones hit an all time low. Maybe I'm getting better at coping with things? I mean, I have decided to deal with everything one day at a time. I have accepted that life will be pure hell until June. (at least). So now, every day my goal has been to make it through the day as best as I can. June, after all, is really not that far away. It's actually on the horizon. I just need to keep afloat until June. I think I'm getting there.
Well, if nothing else, I am doing something correctly. I hope I can keep it up.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Mom Looks Better Today
I went to see mom today. She looks a bit better, thank God. The tests went well, and she seems to be getting some energy back. Turns out she has some digestive problems resulting from diabetes, and a few other issues (almost had kidney failure), but she is recovering. I have my fingers crossed. If all goes well, we might even have her home by Tuesday. That would be great.
On another note, tomorrrow will be the first time the children see their dad since mid January. The will see him at a supervision centre, so all should be fine. I will take that time to make a trip to the gym. I figure if nothing else, I might as well take advantage of the two hours of babysitting.
I'll post tomorrow and update on how it goes.
On another note, tomorrrow will be the first time the children see their dad since mid January. The will see him at a supervision centre, so all should be fine. I will take that time to make a trip to the gym. I figure if nothing else, I might as well take advantage of the two hours of babysitting.
I'll post tomorrow and update on how it goes.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Hospital Visit #4
Mom was admitted to the hospital again on Friday. This would be visit #4 in less than 4 weeks. What the hell is wrong with our health care? Seriously, we need a two tiered system. I'm so fed up.
Thank God my sister was able to drag my mom to the hospital on Friday. The doctor said that we are lucky we brought her in to be admitted, because she was in risk of kidney failure. Apparently, because she has been vomiting even water, her kidneys haven't been doing anything for 4 weeks and were getting all messed up. I am so fed up with our incompetent health care. It is unbelievable. So mom is back in the hospital, yet we still don't know what is wrong with her. There is just way too much wrong with that.
This weekend, Mr. NYC was in town. While I was glad to have the company, the timing was not good, especially given my mom was in the hospital. He came down with his kids, so it was his kids' first time in Toronto, and their first time meeting my kids. All went well on that front, but I just feel like there was so much on my mind consuming me.
Sigh. Keep mom in your prayers. Let's hope the tests go well on Monday/Tuesday. They did all kinds of xrays and ultrasounds this weekend, but no news yet.
Thank God my sister was able to drag my mom to the hospital on Friday. The doctor said that we are lucky we brought her in to be admitted, because she was in risk of kidney failure. Apparently, because she has been vomiting even water, her kidneys haven't been doing anything for 4 weeks and were getting all messed up. I am so fed up with our incompetent health care. It is unbelievable. So mom is back in the hospital, yet we still don't know what is wrong with her. There is just way too much wrong with that.
This weekend, Mr. NYC was in town. While I was glad to have the company, the timing was not good, especially given my mom was in the hospital. He came down with his kids, so it was his kids' first time in Toronto, and their first time meeting my kids. All went well on that front, but I just feel like there was so much on my mind consuming me.
Sigh. Keep mom in your prayers. Let's hope the tests go well on Monday/Tuesday. They did all kinds of xrays and ultrasounds this weekend, but no news yet.
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