Happy Birthday to my beautiful 5 year old daughter. And Happy Halloween to everyone else!
The kids had a lot of fun trick or treating. Mich and Rich took them out, while I stayed home and gave out candy (and possibly my cold-yikes) to all the children. I know- it sounds bad- but what else could I do? Turn off my lights and NOT give out candy? I don't think so.
After that, Mich and Rich had cake for my daughter's birthday. I brought the kids home and put them to bed (they were so cranky by that point, it's unbelievable).
Kids are funny- I bought this awesome Mulan costume for my daughter- I wanted her to be the independent Mulan, but she insisted on being Cinderella. I tried to convince her- Cinderella waits for the prince to save her from her hellish life, while Mulan saves China. But, like every little girl, she wanted to be a TRUE Disney princess. Cinderella it was. My son had this awesome Scooby Doo outfit. Very cool. It was a nice warm zip up suit, so I was pleased.
All in all, they had fun, they didn't have to miss trick or treating cuz of my cold, and I got to eat candy. Can't ask for more than that, right?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Cough up a Lung
This is what happens when you let life take over. You become as sick as a dog. I haven't been this sick in a long time. I couldn't go into the office AND I couldn't work from home. Now that's rare. Every time I sat up I thought my head would pop off or something. I've been lying down all day, except to go to the doctor's.
Dr Clive said that this bug is going around. He said that the fact that I've been stressed and sleep deprived probably didn't help much either. He also said that this bug lasts 5-7 days, and that the worst part is yet to come. Apparently, it comes fully equipped with a handy dandy stomach flu around the day-3 mark. Oh yaay.
Tomorrow is Halloween, and my daughter's 5th birthday. Sadly, I'll have to send her trick or treating with some friends, and as for her birthday, well, not too sure what to do. I was going to have family over for cake, but my doctor said it's better not to, because everyone else will catch my cold :(
My poor daughter. I did take a friend's advice, and offer the children the choice of going out with their father, or Mich tomorrow for Halloween. They picked Mich. I'm actually kind of surprised.
I feel so bad. I'm going to be ducking out on Halloween and her birthday. Mean mommy.
I will however, make sure I get up and dress them in their costumes for school. That's the least I can do.
Dr Clive said that this bug is going around. He said that the fact that I've been stressed and sleep deprived probably didn't help much either. He also said that this bug lasts 5-7 days, and that the worst part is yet to come. Apparently, it comes fully equipped with a handy dandy stomach flu around the day-3 mark. Oh yaay.
Tomorrow is Halloween, and my daughter's 5th birthday. Sadly, I'll have to send her trick or treating with some friends, and as for her birthday, well, not too sure what to do. I was going to have family over for cake, but my doctor said it's better not to, because everyone else will catch my cold :(
My poor daughter. I did take a friend's advice, and offer the children the choice of going out with their father, or Mich tomorrow for Halloween. They picked Mich. I'm actually kind of surprised.
I feel so bad. I'm going to be ducking out on Halloween and her birthday. Mean mommy.
I will however, make sure I get up and dress them in their costumes for school. That's the least I can do.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Forgiveness
A few days ago, around the time when I first caught my ex stalking around my house, I thought I had forgiven him for the past. Up until that point, things had been relatively calm. In fact, even when I saw him outside my house, and he sat there in front of me crying away, I actually felt sorry for him. The anger and fear didn't kick in until a few days later.
But here's the thing. I know forgiveness is a good thing. I know it's nice to forgive people. I know it's nice to wish them well despite their wrong doings, and I thought I had forgiven my ex. But I haven't. Because as a good friend once told me, you cannot forgive something that hasn't changed. I can't forgive him if he's still doing it. I can't heal until this is over, so I cannot forgive.
Yesterday at 4pm, my ex showed up here with the children's hockey equipment. He kept ringing the doorbell and I didn't answer because he didn't plan the visit with me, and I was on a conference call for the office. It was embarrassing enough that my doorbell was ringing during the call. When he called later and asked why I wouldn't answer the door, I got upset and told him that if he didn't schedule a time with me I would either refuse to answer or call the police if he continues to harass me like ringing the bell over and over or looking in through my windows as he did yesterday. I know he was trying to see if I was home, but it still bothered me nonetheless.
As things get more intense between my ex and I, that feeling of closure that I was starting to get is slipping away more and more, to the point where I still wish him well, but not necessarily because I'm a good person or anything like that.
I do want him to be happy, because he's the father of my children. The way I see it, if he is happy, it will be good for the childrens' mental state of mind. Also, if he moves on with his life and meets someone, it will mean that he may potentially just leave me alone. Call me selfish, but that's where I'm at.
Hey- at least I still wish him well right? I think that is good enough for now, especially given the emotional garbage I've been going through lately.
But here's the thing. I know forgiveness is a good thing. I know it's nice to forgive people. I know it's nice to wish them well despite their wrong doings, and I thought I had forgiven my ex. But I haven't. Because as a good friend once told me, you cannot forgive something that hasn't changed. I can't forgive him if he's still doing it. I can't heal until this is over, so I cannot forgive.
Yesterday at 4pm, my ex showed up here with the children's hockey equipment. He kept ringing the doorbell and I didn't answer because he didn't plan the visit with me, and I was on a conference call for the office. It was embarrassing enough that my doorbell was ringing during the call. When he called later and asked why I wouldn't answer the door, I got upset and told him that if he didn't schedule a time with me I would either refuse to answer or call the police if he continues to harass me like ringing the bell over and over or looking in through my windows as he did yesterday. I know he was trying to see if I was home, but it still bothered me nonetheless.
As things get more intense between my ex and I, that feeling of closure that I was starting to get is slipping away more and more, to the point where I still wish him well, but not necessarily because I'm a good person or anything like that.
I do want him to be happy, because he's the father of my children. The way I see it, if he is happy, it will be good for the childrens' mental state of mind. Also, if he moves on with his life and meets someone, it will mean that he may potentially just leave me alone. Call me selfish, but that's where I'm at.
Hey- at least I still wish him well right? I think that is good enough for now, especially given the emotional garbage I've been going through lately.
Friday, October 27, 2006
A Different Tactic
I had a long conversation with an office friend yesterday. She basically gave me the advise that if I really was concerned for my own safety, maybe I should put down the "Independence" card, and play the "safety" card. What she means is that instead of saying that it's none of his business what I do with my life, perhaps I should just tell him the things that will make him calm down. At first, the thought of it made me sick, after all, I lived my marriage doing just that. But now, I think she may be right.
My ex called last night for his usual telephone call with the children. Afterwards, he asked to speak to me. I told him to leave me alone. He told me that he was going to therapy and that he is trying to heal. He apologized for asking for a reconciliation. I told him his apology is worthless because although he says one thing to me, he turns around and acts crazy.
He told me that he has been having a nervous breakdown. That back in August when he truly realized that I was moving on with my life, he wasn't mentally prepared for it, that it shocked him when he heard guys talking about how they met me, how they wanted to ask me out, etc. None of these people knew who my ex was at the time. (I never did go out with any of them, but I guess it's a small community and he found out that there were some people interested in getting to know me better).
Either way, he says that this experience shocked him. Throughout the divorce, he never prepared himself for the fact that I might actually move on one day, or that it might possibly start to happen so soon. I think he had expected it to take me years to heal first. But see, I've been working on the whole healing thing for 2.5 years now. I started when I first separated. That's why I'm emotionally better off than he is right now.
On any account, he pleaded that I forgive him, that I not be upset with him, and he promised not to harass me, either directly, or indirectly through friends. I told him that I wanted my space, and he promised to give it to me. Then I took my girlfriend's advice and told him that I am not seeing anyone. Now, I'm not commenting on how true or false that is, but I do feel that I shouldn't have had to give him any information at all. My girlfriend was right though...it did seem to calm him down just to hear it.
So, he wants to continue with his therapy. He wants me to come to a session with him, and I said no. I've been through my own therapy. Now it's his turn. Still, he promised to behave. I'm not going to hold my breath.
I do think my friend was right. From a safety perspective, reassuring him and telling him what he wants/needs to hear is just better for me. For now.
In the meantime, I will continue taking my security measures at home, protecting my house, protecting my space, and protecting my sanity.
Let's see how things go over the next few days.
My ex called last night for his usual telephone call with the children. Afterwards, he asked to speak to me. I told him to leave me alone. He told me that he was going to therapy and that he is trying to heal. He apologized for asking for a reconciliation. I told him his apology is worthless because although he says one thing to me, he turns around and acts crazy.
He told me that he has been having a nervous breakdown. That back in August when he truly realized that I was moving on with my life, he wasn't mentally prepared for it, that it shocked him when he heard guys talking about how they met me, how they wanted to ask me out, etc. None of these people knew who my ex was at the time. (I never did go out with any of them, but I guess it's a small community and he found out that there were some people interested in getting to know me better).
Either way, he says that this experience shocked him. Throughout the divorce, he never prepared himself for the fact that I might actually move on one day, or that it might possibly start to happen so soon. I think he had expected it to take me years to heal first. But see, I've been working on the whole healing thing for 2.5 years now. I started when I first separated. That's why I'm emotionally better off than he is right now.
On any account, he pleaded that I forgive him, that I not be upset with him, and he promised not to harass me, either directly, or indirectly through friends. I told him that I wanted my space, and he promised to give it to me. Then I took my girlfriend's advice and told him that I am not seeing anyone. Now, I'm not commenting on how true or false that is, but I do feel that I shouldn't have had to give him any information at all. My girlfriend was right though...it did seem to calm him down just to hear it.
So, he wants to continue with his therapy. He wants me to come to a session with him, and I said no. I've been through my own therapy. Now it's his turn. Still, he promised to behave. I'm not going to hold my breath.
I do think my friend was right. From a safety perspective, reassuring him and telling him what he wants/needs to hear is just better for me. For now.
In the meantime, I will continue taking my security measures at home, protecting my house, protecting my space, and protecting my sanity.
Let's see how things go over the next few days.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Security Measures
It's 7am. I went to bed at 1am. I woke up at 5am. I can't sleep. The thought of what he might be up to really scare me.
Yesterday, I went out with Rich and Mich to buy blinds for the main floor. I have curtains, but you can kind of see through them at night. I bought floodlights for the outside of my house, and a combination padlock for the backyard gate. Just doing whatever I can to protect this home. I actually contemplated a security camera system. It was $250 and came with 2 exterior security cameras, a monitor, and a recording system so the tapes can be stored/used. I wanted to buy it, but Mich said I was being too paranoid, and that I would be safe enough with the measures I'm currently taking. I personally thought security cameras would be good- because I can use them in court if I ever needed to. I guess I'll wait and see.
Yesterday at 5pm I went to my real estate lawyer and had my name changed on the deed to my house. If something ever happens to me, at least my biggest asset will be in my maiden name. I feel better knowing that. The lawyer I went to is a personal friend. He was OUR personal friend when we were married. He told me that 10 minutes before I arrived my ex was there, and spoke to him, asking him to speak to me, and try to get me to reconcile. I told him under no circumstances would I be willing to do it. I am so embarrassed. This is just wrong. I did tell him to tell my ex that if he continued harassing me, I would get a restraining order. About an hour later I got a phone call from my ex (he called from a different number), and he was requesting that I please forgive him and NOT get a restraining order. Sigh.
The night before last, I got a phone call from a former marriage counsellor. He said that my ex contacted him and told him what was going on, and would I be willing to come in and chat. My answer was hell no. He said he wouldn't want me to reconcile or anything, after all, he knew details about how bad things were for me, but he did want to know if there were anything he could do to make things more amicable for the sake of the children. Of course there is something you can do. Tell my ex to leave me the hell alone. Then we can be civil. Sheesh.
Anyhow, that's my update. I'm sure there will be more drama as the day continues. This is, after all, my life. Dramatic like a soap opera, crazier than any movie. Honestly. Some of the movies I've seen about crazy ex husbands can't even compare to this insanity. I'm living it baby.
Yesterday, I went out with Rich and Mich to buy blinds for the main floor. I have curtains, but you can kind of see through them at night. I bought floodlights for the outside of my house, and a combination padlock for the backyard gate. Just doing whatever I can to protect this home. I actually contemplated a security camera system. It was $250 and came with 2 exterior security cameras, a monitor, and a recording system so the tapes can be stored/used. I wanted to buy it, but Mich said I was being too paranoid, and that I would be safe enough with the measures I'm currently taking. I personally thought security cameras would be good- because I can use them in court if I ever needed to. I guess I'll wait and see.
Yesterday at 5pm I went to my real estate lawyer and had my name changed on the deed to my house. If something ever happens to me, at least my biggest asset will be in my maiden name. I feel better knowing that. The lawyer I went to is a personal friend. He was OUR personal friend when we were married. He told me that 10 minutes before I arrived my ex was there, and spoke to him, asking him to speak to me, and try to get me to reconcile. I told him under no circumstances would I be willing to do it. I am so embarrassed. This is just wrong. I did tell him to tell my ex that if he continued harassing me, I would get a restraining order. About an hour later I got a phone call from my ex (he called from a different number), and he was requesting that I please forgive him and NOT get a restraining order. Sigh.
The night before last, I got a phone call from a former marriage counsellor. He said that my ex contacted him and told him what was going on, and would I be willing to come in and chat. My answer was hell no. He said he wouldn't want me to reconcile or anything, after all, he knew details about how bad things were for me, but he did want to know if there were anything he could do to make things more amicable for the sake of the children. Of course there is something you can do. Tell my ex to leave me the hell alone. Then we can be civil. Sheesh.
Anyhow, that's my update. I'm sure there will be more drama as the day continues. This is, after all, my life. Dramatic like a soap opera, crazier than any movie. Honestly. Some of the movies I've seen about crazy ex husbands can't even compare to this insanity. I'm living it baby.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Mental Abuse
I'm getting tired these days. I can feel myself getting worn out. The difference is, this time, I still have many loving people around me who care, but for some reason, this time, I feel totally alone. Maybe it's that everyone around me is getting tired of the same old routine. Or maybe, I'm just overly sensitive (I wouldn't be surprised if this were the case).
I am such an emotional mess today that it's a good thing my son has a dentist appointment. It's a good thing I had to work from home. I wouldn't want my colleagues to see me like this.
So- I went to the police station on Saturday to get some advice. Turns out, he has to do this a couple more times before I can make an issue of it, and I have to call the police each time. I'm so serious, the laws do nothing to protect women in my situation. Nothing at all. Basically, I know I'm not safe, my friends are freaked out, but yet, I have to live like normal until he does something to me. Like, really does something. Everyone is missing the point- when that does happen, and these days I fear it will, it will be too late to help me.
His tactics are getting more and more intense every day. He keeps calling in the morning, asking if he can come over and help me dress the kids, help with the morning routine. On Eid, he called me several times, and then basically showed up, clothes in hand, asking if he could get dressed at my place, and then help me get the children ready for Eid. I mean, are you bloody serious? Did you miss the part when we got divorced? I basically told him no, get off my property, and you're not welcome in my home. He clearly cannot take a hint. Heck, he can't even understand when you spell it out to him slowly.
I know he stalks my house, I know he looks into my windows. He even knows what time I get home. Yesterday, I found out that he went to my daughter's school to ask her a few questions. He wanted to know who was at my home on Eid, who was at my parent's home, and whether or not any men sleep over at my house. He even went so far as to ask her if any men sleep in my bed at night. WHO THE HELL ASKS A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL THAT QUESTION?! I found out that he went to my son's after school program to ask him the same things.
So here I am. Waiting for something to happen, because my gut instinct tells me that something will. I'm afraid to leave the house, I feel like someone is always following me. I'm afraid to talk to any men, I'm afraid he might go nuts and pick the kids up from school and take off.
Afraid, afraid, afraid.
So why did I leave again? Oh yeah, so that my children and I could live a safe and happy life. How long has it been? Oh yeah two and a half years. When will things let up?
Try never.
Why did I even bother?
I am such an emotional mess today that it's a good thing my son has a dentist appointment. It's a good thing I had to work from home. I wouldn't want my colleagues to see me like this.
So- I went to the police station on Saturday to get some advice. Turns out, he has to do this a couple more times before I can make an issue of it, and I have to call the police each time. I'm so serious, the laws do nothing to protect women in my situation. Nothing at all. Basically, I know I'm not safe, my friends are freaked out, but yet, I have to live like normal until he does something to me. Like, really does something. Everyone is missing the point- when that does happen, and these days I fear it will, it will be too late to help me.
His tactics are getting more and more intense every day. He keeps calling in the morning, asking if he can come over and help me dress the kids, help with the morning routine. On Eid, he called me several times, and then basically showed up, clothes in hand, asking if he could get dressed at my place, and then help me get the children ready for Eid. I mean, are you bloody serious? Did you miss the part when we got divorced? I basically told him no, get off my property, and you're not welcome in my home. He clearly cannot take a hint. Heck, he can't even understand when you spell it out to him slowly.
I know he stalks my house, I know he looks into my windows. He even knows what time I get home. Yesterday, I found out that he went to my daughter's school to ask her a few questions. He wanted to know who was at my home on Eid, who was at my parent's home, and whether or not any men sleep over at my house. He even went so far as to ask her if any men sleep in my bed at night. WHO THE HELL ASKS A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL THAT QUESTION?! I found out that he went to my son's after school program to ask him the same things.
So here I am. Waiting for something to happen, because my gut instinct tells me that something will. I'm afraid to leave the house, I feel like someone is always following me. I'm afraid to talk to any men, I'm afraid he might go nuts and pick the kids up from school and take off.
Afraid, afraid, afraid.
So why did I leave again? Oh yeah, so that my children and I could live a safe and happy life. How long has it been? Oh yeah two and a half years. When will things let up?
Try never.
Why did I even bother?
Friday, October 20, 2006
Exhausted and Paranoid=Bad Combination
That's me. Exhausted and paranoid. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was so tired and worried that Mr. Creepy might be outside. Then I had 8 hours of back to back interviews for an intern I'm trying to recruit. To top it off, I decided to fast today because Friday is the holiest day for Muslims and today was the last Friday of Ramadan. That was a bad move because the ulcer is bugging me, and why wouldn't it? Stress and sleep deprivation and starvation are a very bad combination indeed, especially if you have an ulcer.
Tomorrow's agenda- shopping for blinds. I want to feel safer in this house. I also want to visit Rich and Mich for Diwali. So adorable- they bought Diwali presents for the children. My son got this Japanese fighter fish and fish tank, and he is absolutely obsessed with it.
My friends are pressuring me to contact the police about Thursday's incident. I'm worried it will make things worse. They are saying failure to respond will just make him worse. I'm so torn. I just want things to settle down so I can move on.
This is why women never leave jerky men. Because they never let you leave in peace. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Tomorrow's agenda- shopping for blinds. I want to feel safer in this house. I also want to visit Rich and Mich for Diwali. So adorable- they bought Diwali presents for the children. My son got this Japanese fighter fish and fish tank, and he is absolutely obsessed with it.
My friends are pressuring me to contact the police about Thursday's incident. I'm worried it will make things worse. They are saying failure to respond will just make him worse. I'm so torn. I just want things to settle down so I can move on.
This is why women never leave jerky men. Because they never let you leave in peace. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
A Scary Visitor
I came back from my doctor's appointment this afternoon and saw something a bit odd and very scary. (Actually- on that note- appointment went well, but the ulcer is now officially back after one year, so I can't fast anymore) :(
Anyhow, my house is visible from the main road. As I was driving into my neighbourhood, I looked over towards my house and noticed my ex leaving the front porch. This freaked me out a bit, and as I turned into the neighbourhood, I saw his car parked a block away. I turned onto my street and he was gone, so I turned back around and parked behind his car and waited for him to return. A couple of minutes later, he came to his car and I asked him what he was doing at my home in the middle of the day. He didn't have an answer.
Honestly, this was really creepy behaviour. I have no clue in the world why he was there, what he was looking for, if he had done anything weird, and why he felt the need to park a block away and walk over to my house. I mean, a normal innocent person would just park in the driveway, right? I'm blogging this now, half because, gosh -if something ever happens to me, the world has read this post. I was really freaked out, wondering if the house would blow up or catch fire when I opened the front door. I know, it's insane for me to think this way, but my mind is getting the best of me I suppose.
He really didn't have an explanation, that's what bothered me. Nothing. His answer to my "What are you doing at my home" question was "I don't know". It gave me chills. I mean, honestly, today is Thursday. I am usually in the office on Thursdays. I work from home Fridays, so he couldn't have been looking for me. I happened to be home because I have an off site thing to tend to for the office tomorrow. So what was he doing here???
When I asked him again, he broke down and cried. Same story- that he loves me, that he's changed, that he only wants me to take him back, that he swears I'm the best woman in the entire world and that he would treat me like a princess if I would just take him back. I felt sorry for him, but still- what was he doing at my home? I mean, I can't shake this fear... So anyways, I told him to move on, I told him that he was freaking me out with this behaviour. I also reminded him that I still care about his well being, because he is the childrens' father. He talked about all the horrible things he did to me, and that he was sorry. I told him that we cannot be together.
Sadly, his tactics continue. He claims that he came to my house for closure, but I don't buy it. I'm not that stupid. How can someone get closure by visiting a home that they never lived in? That makes no sense at all. So what was he doing at my house? GOSH- this is going to bug me all night!
I know- I'm scatterbrained right now. I can't help it. My mind is racing. Hope you guys can follow my crazy rant :)
And hey- If anyone has any ideas around why he was here, or what I should do, please let me know. I have friends that have suggested that I call the police, but what if that just makes him worse?
Anyhow, my house is visible from the main road. As I was driving into my neighbourhood, I looked over towards my house and noticed my ex leaving the front porch. This freaked me out a bit, and as I turned into the neighbourhood, I saw his car parked a block away. I turned onto my street and he was gone, so I turned back around and parked behind his car and waited for him to return. A couple of minutes later, he came to his car and I asked him what he was doing at my home in the middle of the day. He didn't have an answer.
Honestly, this was really creepy behaviour. I have no clue in the world why he was there, what he was looking for, if he had done anything weird, and why he felt the need to park a block away and walk over to my house. I mean, a normal innocent person would just park in the driveway, right? I'm blogging this now, half because, gosh -if something ever happens to me, the world has read this post. I was really freaked out, wondering if the house would blow up or catch fire when I opened the front door. I know, it's insane for me to think this way, but my mind is getting the best of me I suppose.
He really didn't have an explanation, that's what bothered me. Nothing. His answer to my "What are you doing at my home" question was "I don't know". It gave me chills. I mean, honestly, today is Thursday. I am usually in the office on Thursdays. I work from home Fridays, so he couldn't have been looking for me. I happened to be home because I have an off site thing to tend to for the office tomorrow. So what was he doing here???
When I asked him again, he broke down and cried. Same story- that he loves me, that he's changed, that he only wants me to take him back, that he swears I'm the best woman in the entire world and that he would treat me like a princess if I would just take him back. I felt sorry for him, but still- what was he doing at my home? I mean, I can't shake this fear... So anyways, I told him to move on, I told him that he was freaking me out with this behaviour. I also reminded him that I still care about his well being, because he is the childrens' father. He talked about all the horrible things he did to me, and that he was sorry. I told him that we cannot be together.
Sadly, his tactics continue. He claims that he came to my house for closure, but I don't buy it. I'm not that stupid. How can someone get closure by visiting a home that they never lived in? That makes no sense at all. So what was he doing at my house? GOSH- this is going to bug me all night!
I know- I'm scatterbrained right now. I can't help it. My mind is racing. Hope you guys can follow my crazy rant :)
And hey- If anyone has any ideas around why he was here, or what I should do, please let me know. I have friends that have suggested that I call the police, but what if that just makes him worse?
4 Days to Go
I shouldn't complain about fasting, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I had the same problem last year, where my ulcer flared up towards the end of Ramadan. This year, it's similar- ulcer etc. Sigh. I'm going to the doc today to see what he says. 4 days to go and I may not be able to fast any more. I almost made it through this year...almost.
So, anyways, I have finished all my Eid shopping (hooray). Can't wait to see the look on the children's faces when they open their presents. It's all about the children. I'm too old to get Eid presents. Nobody does that for me anymore
Hey- not complaining...I love giving gifts just as much (if not more) anyways.
So I have a beef. What the heck is up with that stupid Pakistani guy running for MP? Is he nuts? As if Muslims don't get enough bad publicity through terrorism, we now get the joy of dealing with Mr. Freakorama who acts like a loose cannon? What idiots. This quote says it all :
"Some of the people who come here to Canada from Pakistan try to play the same games," says freelance journalist Javed Zaheer, who knows all the parties involved in the story. "This is what they know. They try to suppress the other candidates, to pressure them to sit out of the race or dig up some dirt."
And then in today's news, we had another similar case. Sigh. What next?
Honestly, from now on, if someone asks my background, I'm going to say I'm Spanish or something. GEEZ! How bloody embarrassing! Go home losers! You're ruining it for the rest of us!
So, anyways, I have finished all my Eid shopping (hooray). Can't wait to see the look on the children's faces when they open their presents. It's all about the children. I'm too old to get Eid presents. Nobody does that for me anymore
Hey- not complaining...I love giving gifts just as much (if not more) anyways.
So I have a beef. What the heck is up with that stupid Pakistani guy running for MP? Is he nuts? As if Muslims don't get enough bad publicity through terrorism, we now get the joy of dealing with Mr. Freakorama who acts like a loose cannon? What idiots. This quote says it all :
"Some of the people who come here to Canada from Pakistan try to play the same games," says freelance journalist Javed Zaheer, who knows all the parties involved in the story. "This is what they know. They try to suppress the other candidates, to pressure them to sit out of the race or dig up some dirt."
And then in today's news, we had another similar case. Sigh. What next?
Honestly, from now on, if someone asks my background, I'm going to say I'm Spanish or something. GEEZ! How bloody embarrassing! Go home losers! You're ruining it for the rest of us!
Saturday, October 14, 2006
"My Life is so Much Never Fair"
Words from my little 4 year old drama queen. I asked her why her life is "so much never fair", and she said because sometimes you can have friends, and sometimes you end up fighting with them. Sometimes girls gang up on each other. You have to do what they say or they won't play with you anymore. Then you have to play alone. My daughter likes to be the centre of the universe, so she has the never ending stress of trying to please everyone, which means she seldomly gets her way....Hence her sobs about life never being fair.
Cliquish girls at the age of 4. What has this world come to? What will she have to deal with in high school?
I know we all went through it. I remember all too well how mean high school girls can be. High school was funny. In grade 9, I dealt with all the cliquish girls. Life was hard, especially being one of the only Indo Pak girls around. Oddly enough, by grade 11, my high school became Indo Central. By that time it was SO Indian/Pakistani, maybe more than half. Talk about your immigration explosion.
I'm not saying the non- Indos are the problem. I'm just remembering how the cliquish problem ended for me. It was replaced with other issues. When all the different cultures exploded into the school in a mere two years, there was so much racial tension that we had no choice but to join together by culture. But then by grade 12, we had our own cliques again even within our cultural groups. AHHH the cliques. A key part of high school but never really any fun.
Anyhow, she'll grow out of it sometime after university, and no, I'm not kidding. I just want to talk to her a bit and make sure she doesn't live her life as a crowd pleaser. Trust me, my life has taught me that if you live your life to look good for others, you end up....Well, you know- exactly where I am today. Starting over at the age of 34, learning to fight the world for your right to be independent. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Sigh.
Hopefully I can guide my daughter so she doesn't have to make the same mistakes as me. Man. I just shivered. I think my dad has said those exact words to me when I was little. And if I recall correctly, I still had to learn my lessons despite his teachings.
I just shivered again...
Cliquish girls at the age of 4. What has this world come to? What will she have to deal with in high school?
I know we all went through it. I remember all too well how mean high school girls can be. High school was funny. In grade 9, I dealt with all the cliquish girls. Life was hard, especially being one of the only Indo Pak girls around. Oddly enough, by grade 11, my high school became Indo Central. By that time it was SO Indian/Pakistani, maybe more than half. Talk about your immigration explosion.
I'm not saying the non- Indos are the problem. I'm just remembering how the cliquish problem ended for me. It was replaced with other issues. When all the different cultures exploded into the school in a mere two years, there was so much racial tension that we had no choice but to join together by culture. But then by grade 12, we had our own cliques again even within our cultural groups. AHHH the cliques. A key part of high school but never really any fun.
Anyhow, she'll grow out of it sometime after university, and no, I'm not kidding. I just want to talk to her a bit and make sure she doesn't live her life as a crowd pleaser. Trust me, my life has taught me that if you live your life to look good for others, you end up....Well, you know- exactly where I am today. Starting over at the age of 34, learning to fight the world for your right to be independent. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Sigh.
Hopefully I can guide my daughter so she doesn't have to make the same mistakes as me. Man. I just shivered. I think my dad has said those exact words to me when I was little. And if I recall correctly, I still had to learn my lessons despite his teachings.
I just shivered again...
Friday, October 13, 2006
Mid Ramadan
Actually- that's a lie...it's just slightly past mid Ramadan. I'm finding I'm tired from the fasting this year, and that doesn't usually happen to me. Yesterday the headaches were so bad I couldn't take it anymore. But I know I shouldn't complain. It defeats the purpose. Mind you, a couple of days ago I was emailing a friend and I mentioned that I was dying for a diet Pepsi and that I couldn't wait to start drinking diet Pepsi again. He said "don't worry- it's almost over". I replied by saying "I know, 15 days left", and he said "actually, I was referring to the few hours left in this day so you can have a diet Pepsi. You just went and wrote off the rest of Ramadan!". How shameful of me. I am so embarrassed.
The children will be at their father's this weekend. I personally am looking forward to the break, to the chance to sleep in, to be lazy given the headaches, and to see if I can make it out to the gym. The last time I went to the gym was last Friday, and I started to get lightheaded during the workout. I went after breaking fast, but still, I think a whole day of fasting takes a toll on you, even if you do try to go to the gym AFTER having your one meal for the day. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular diet/exercise routine after Ramadan.
I also have to do Eid shopping for the children this weekend. Since they will be at their dad's place, it will give me the opportunity to buy Eid gifts and wrap them before the kids get to take a peek. I love this part- shopping and presents. What could be better? :)
The children will be at their father's this weekend. I personally am looking forward to the break, to the chance to sleep in, to be lazy given the headaches, and to see if I can make it out to the gym. The last time I went to the gym was last Friday, and I started to get lightheaded during the workout. I went after breaking fast, but still, I think a whole day of fasting takes a toll on you, even if you do try to go to the gym AFTER having your one meal for the day. I'm looking forward to getting back to my regular diet/exercise routine after Ramadan.
I also have to do Eid shopping for the children this weekend. Since they will be at their dad's place, it will give me the opportunity to buy Eid gifts and wrap them before the kids get to take a peek. I love this part- shopping and presents. What could be better? :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Ifaar Party
I had an Iftaar party (dinner for some of my fasting Muslim friends) yesterday. I haven't hosted for that many people since I've been on my own. This was quite the adventure, and I think, a little daring on my part.
Overall I had fun. I did however learn a couple of things:
A wise person once told me- friends are the family you choose. How true.
Overall I had fun. I did however learn a couple of things:
- It is very hard to cook for people when you can't taste the food because you are fasting- even worse when cooking a large quantity of food because if it messes up, you have alot of not so great food on your hands (thank God it all turned out well)
- My home is way too small to host 40 people. I think it would have been ok if there were 40 adults. But when you're talking 15 kids running around like amazons, it gets a bit tight
- If you set up a picnic blanket for the kids in front of a TV set, they actually will sit down and be quiet while eating dinner (hooray for Disney movies!)
- If you fail to wakeup for breakfast at 5am, fast the whole day while cooking and cleaning, you will be drop dead tired by the time you're ready to eat
- When you're friends insist on doing a potluck, take them up on it :)
- When you host for a large group of friends, you never get to sit down with any of them :(
- It is absolutely amazing to have girlfriends that are willing to help you out in the kitchen so you don't get stuck cleaning up on your own :)
A wise person once told me- friends are the family you choose. How true.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
What Color are You?
My daughter was sitting next to me and suddenly came to the realization that our skin colors are slightly different.
"Mommy- What color are you?"
"Pardon?"
"What color are you?"
"What color do you think I am?"
"I don't know"
"OK - Well- what color are YOU?"
"I'm brown"
"How do you know that?"
"Because I can see it. And my brother is brown. And daddy is brown. But what color are you?"
"I'm not brown?"
OK- This was funny, because I am normally the first to remove myself from Indian/Pakistani (Indo/Pak) people. My history has made me a bit jarred. But this was too weird. I mean, after all, I certainly didn't want her to lump herself and her brother with my ex and make me the outsider. But then again- what makes her think I'm different? True, my skin is slightly lighter than theirs, but it's not like I'm noticeably different...At least I don't think so.
"What colors are there?" I asked
"Brown, black, white, and something else."
"Oh. Well....What am I?"
"I think you're something else".
Nice...Now I'm the leftover stuff :) This was amusing.
"Ok- so what's the question?"
"Why are you different from us?"
OK- I wasn't about to give my almost-5-year-old a long winded explanation about how my mom's family originated from Northern Pakistan, resulting in fairer skin, lighter hair, lighter eyes, and that her dad's family comes from Southern Pakistan....You get the point.
"I just am, honey. God made me like that."
"Why are we different?"
Hmmm- Then I had an idea. Heck if I'm going to be the outsider :)
"Well- you're not different sweetie. Not exactly. See your dad is slightly darker than you. And I'm just a little lighter. What happens when you mix dark and light?"
"You get medium."
"That's you."
Her eyes lit up. Almost like she had some revelation. The funny thing is, I didn't even answer her original question around what color I am. I just maybe made her realize that we are all different, and that she is a mixture of me and her dad.
Ha. I'm such a troublemaker. Way to confuse the child. :)
"Mommy- What color are you?"
"Pardon?"
"What color are you?"
"What color do you think I am?"
"I don't know"
"OK - Well- what color are YOU?"
"I'm brown"
"How do you know that?"
"Because I can see it. And my brother is brown. And daddy is brown. But what color are you?"
"I'm not brown?"
OK- This was funny, because I am normally the first to remove myself from Indian/Pakistani (Indo/Pak) people. My history has made me a bit jarred. But this was too weird. I mean, after all, I certainly didn't want her to lump herself and her brother with my ex and make me the outsider. But then again- what makes her think I'm different? True, my skin is slightly lighter than theirs, but it's not like I'm noticeably different...At least I don't think so.
"What colors are there?" I asked
"Brown, black, white, and something else."
"Oh. Well....What am I?"
"I think you're something else".
Nice...Now I'm the leftover stuff :) This was amusing.
"Ok- so what's the question?"
"Why are you different from us?"
OK- I wasn't about to give my almost-5-year-old a long winded explanation about how my mom's family originated from Northern Pakistan, resulting in fairer skin, lighter hair, lighter eyes, and that her dad's family comes from Southern Pakistan....You get the point.
"I just am, honey. God made me like that."
"Why are we different?"
Hmmm- Then I had an idea. Heck if I'm going to be the outsider :)
"Well- you're not different sweetie. Not exactly. See your dad is slightly darker than you. And I'm just a little lighter. What happens when you mix dark and light?"
"You get medium."
"That's you."
Her eyes lit up. Almost like she had some revelation. The funny thing is, I didn't even answer her original question around what color I am. I just maybe made her realize that we are all different, and that she is a mixture of me and her dad.
Ha. I'm such a troublemaker. Way to confuse the child. :)
Friday, October 06, 2006
All in a Day's Work
I just met with my ex and his lawyer. I do have to say that was an efficient meeting. Maybe 20 minutes. Bottom line- they tried to corner me and see if I was willing to give him more time in exchange for the proper child support amount. THE NERVE!
I basically said that there is no way I would literally sell my children. No way at all. I don't care about the money. I don't care if I bleed to the ground financially. I'm not doing this. I basically told them that they can either pay what they should or he can shoulder the guilt that he scammed his own kids out of proper support.
I learned something else. My ex never told my lawyer that he was an abusive husband. When the lawyer asked if I really wanted to go to court over this, I basically asked him if he knew why I left. When he cited irreconcilable differences, I told him the truth...that my ex was abusive. I saw his jaw drop. Really. Then I asked if he thought I needed a lawyer to represent me in court, because the way I see it, this is a slam dunk for me. How many judges would extend access for an abusive husband, especially when the wife left because he almost choked their child to death? Yes. EXACTLY.
His lawyer basically said that we were done. No need to discuss further.
I'm not sure if that means they will build a case, or if it means he won't pursue this, but I have a very strong feeling its the latter. Either way, let's see what happens.
I'm really hoping I won't have to go through this again, but if I do, I will be very prepared.
In hindsight, I should never have listened to my own lawyer. He recommended that I not file for divorce on the grounds of cruelty (abuse) because it would make things more complicated. I personally think it should have gone on record that our marriage ended because of him.
I'll leave that in the past where it belongs I suppose. Let's just hope one day I'll find greener pastures.
I basically said that there is no way I would literally sell my children. No way at all. I don't care about the money. I don't care if I bleed to the ground financially. I'm not doing this. I basically told them that they can either pay what they should or he can shoulder the guilt that he scammed his own kids out of proper support.
I learned something else. My ex never told my lawyer that he was an abusive husband. When the lawyer asked if I really wanted to go to court over this, I basically asked him if he knew why I left. When he cited irreconcilable differences, I told him the truth...that my ex was abusive. I saw his jaw drop. Really. Then I asked if he thought I needed a lawyer to represent me in court, because the way I see it, this is a slam dunk for me. How many judges would extend access for an abusive husband, especially when the wife left because he almost choked their child to death? Yes. EXACTLY.
His lawyer basically said that we were done. No need to discuss further.
I'm not sure if that means they will build a case, or if it means he won't pursue this, but I have a very strong feeling its the latter. Either way, let's see what happens.
I'm really hoping I won't have to go through this again, but if I do, I will be very prepared.
In hindsight, I should never have listened to my own lawyer. He recommended that I not file for divorce on the grounds of cruelty (abuse) because it would make things more complicated. I personally think it should have gone on record that our marriage ended because of him.
I'll leave that in the past where it belongs I suppose. Let's just hope one day I'll find greener pastures.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Crappy Day
I feel so crappy today. I'm wondering where this will all end. I've had a few days of back and forth with my ex and his lawyer. I'm tired, and I feel like I have to keep it all to myself. I've talked to 2 friends about this stuff, my office colleague, and another friend who lives downtown, but for the most part, I'm carrying this on my own.
Some days you just don't know if you should laugh or cry. I can't seem to say anything right to those around me, or to do anything right where my ex, or heck even my loved ones are concerned. I can feel another slump coming on....It's weird. Every now and then I feel this weird feeling like I need to get away from everyone. I'm in that space again. I want to go away and live in a hut for a few weeks, but here I am, dressing in the morning, going through the motions like nothing is wrong. But really, nothing seems right either.
I'm not making much sense...I know. But do you ever have those days where you feel like even when you're so close to accomplishing things, you will just fail in the end? I feel that way today- on a personal front, with my loved ones, with my crazy ex, and well, overall I suppose.
I wish I owned a hut on the beach in Tahiti. That's where I would rather be.
My ex is insane. If you hang around insane people for long enough, you become insane yourself. I think I might fall into this category of people.
I wonder if I'm ever meant to find peace and/or happiness? Or am I just destined to continue through this confusion?
Some days you just don't know if you should laugh or cry. I can't seem to say anything right to those around me, or to do anything right where my ex, or heck even my loved ones are concerned. I can feel another slump coming on....It's weird. Every now and then I feel this weird feeling like I need to get away from everyone. I'm in that space again. I want to go away and live in a hut for a few weeks, but here I am, dressing in the morning, going through the motions like nothing is wrong. But really, nothing seems right either.
I'm not making much sense...I know. But do you ever have those days where you feel like even when you're so close to accomplishing things, you will just fail in the end? I feel that way today- on a personal front, with my loved ones, with my crazy ex, and well, overall I suppose.
I wish I owned a hut on the beach in Tahiti. That's where I would rather be.
My ex is insane. If you hang around insane people for long enough, you become insane yourself. I think I might fall into this category of people.
I wonder if I'm ever meant to find peace and/or happiness? Or am I just destined to continue through this confusion?
Monday, October 02, 2006
Why do we Fall?
So that we can learn how to pick ourselves up again. Or at least, so I hope. If that's not what I'm learning here, then I'm just plain lost.
Just when you think things are going well, just when you think you can finally trust again- it hits you.
I'm wondering why I keep re-learning old lessons? Am I naive, or am I just trying to change the things that I cannot change? Like my personality perhaps, or like the way I respond to people. When I try to play mean with my ex, he wins, when I try to play nice with my ex, he wins again. Either way, I lose.
I trusted my ex with one thing- hoping perhaps we could be civil and learn to work together for the sake of the children. Today I got the worst possible kind of email, basically taking that trust, stomping all over it, and sticking it to me.
Turns out, my patience, kindness and sympathy is about to cost me about $500 a month. Ongoing. So much for being nice.
I think it's time to go back to the lawyers, and to the courts. If anyone is out there, remind me NEVER EVER to give an inch. NEVER. Because when I do, he takes a mile. Or two.
Yeah, Happy Ramadan indeed.
Man I sound bitter :)
Just when you think things are going well, just when you think you can finally trust again- it hits you.
I'm wondering why I keep re-learning old lessons? Am I naive, or am I just trying to change the things that I cannot change? Like my personality perhaps, or like the way I respond to people. When I try to play mean with my ex, he wins, when I try to play nice with my ex, he wins again. Either way, I lose.
I trusted my ex with one thing- hoping perhaps we could be civil and learn to work together for the sake of the children. Today I got the worst possible kind of email, basically taking that trust, stomping all over it, and sticking it to me.
Turns out, my patience, kindness and sympathy is about to cost me about $500 a month. Ongoing. So much for being nice.
I think it's time to go back to the lawyers, and to the courts. If anyone is out there, remind me NEVER EVER to give an inch. NEVER. Because when I do, he takes a mile. Or two.
Yeah, Happy Ramadan indeed.
Man I sound bitter :)
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Almost 7, but Going on 30
This morning I woke up to the sound of some paper. My son was reading a magazine, which I later found out was my Oprah mag. My daughter was sitting next to him, and all I could hear was "wow this is fabulous!"
Fabulous is a big word for a 6 year old child. I wanted to know what was so "fabulous". My son came running over magazine in hand, saying "mommy, mommy look at this!"
I sat up, put on my glasses and took a look. There before me was a dark wood renovated kitchen. Is this what he wanted to show me? "Honey- this is a kitchen".
"I know mommy. But look it's fabulous, and cool. Look at the dark cupboards and the metal appliances. And it makes sense. Everything is easy to reach when you need it. See the spice racks? See the pots and pans against the walls? See the big stirring spoons? You never have to open a cupboard when you're cooking. And look- see where the stools come up to the counter, they have fruit bowls ready to eat there".
I was stunned. My little guy was analyzing the operational efficiency of a kitchen in an Oprah mag at 7:30am.
"Yes sweetheart. It is fabulous. I love it. Maybe one day we can make our kitchen look like that?" YA right. When I'm a gazillionaire maybe...But why break the kid's heart? :)
"Mommy- this will look good with you in it. You love cooking and stuff...You would have way more fun in this kitchen. I'm going to give you my piggy bank money so you can have the kitchen."
Kids are too cute. I wanted to cry. I told him that he should keep his piggybank, and that maybe one day we will make our kitchen look like that. Maybe one day soon. (OK I'm lying, but still...)
He smiled and said let's see how long it takes, because he really wanted me to have that kitchen.
I'm so shocked. And touched. Man I love these children.
Fabulous is a big word for a 6 year old child. I wanted to know what was so "fabulous". My son came running over magazine in hand, saying "mommy, mommy look at this!"
I sat up, put on my glasses and took a look. There before me was a dark wood renovated kitchen. Is this what he wanted to show me? "Honey- this is a kitchen".
"I know mommy. But look it's fabulous, and cool. Look at the dark cupboards and the metal appliances. And it makes sense. Everything is easy to reach when you need it. See the spice racks? See the pots and pans against the walls? See the big stirring spoons? You never have to open a cupboard when you're cooking. And look- see where the stools come up to the counter, they have fruit bowls ready to eat there".
I was stunned. My little guy was analyzing the operational efficiency of a kitchen in an Oprah mag at 7:30am.
"Yes sweetheart. It is fabulous. I love it. Maybe one day we can make our kitchen look like that?" YA right. When I'm a gazillionaire maybe...But why break the kid's heart? :)
"Mommy- this will look good with you in it. You love cooking and stuff...You would have way more fun in this kitchen. I'm going to give you my piggy bank money so you can have the kitchen."
Kids are too cute. I wanted to cry. I told him that he should keep his piggybank, and that maybe one day we will make our kitchen look like that. Maybe one day soon. (OK I'm lying, but still...)
He smiled and said let's see how long it takes, because he really wanted me to have that kitchen.
I'm so shocked. And touched. Man I love these children.
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