Our First Halloween

This is our first Halloween in this house. Kinda neat. The children had these teensie weensie little pumpkins that they picked at their school trip to the pumpkin patch. We carved them and they are sitting out on our window ledge by the door. They are so small I was afraid we wouldn't be able to use them, but actually, everyone seems to think they are adorable. They are so tiny that I could barely fit the candles inside. But they're just as cute as my two little kids, and one is just slightly bigger than the other (just like my son and daughter), so I guess it is kind of fitting to have them outside my house.

This year, I had the dilemma around how to take the children trick or treating and give out candy at the same time- I guess that little issue wasn't in Separation 101. Fortunately, my sister-in-law came to the rescue. She's taking the kids out, and I'm giving out the candy. This is a really nice neighbourhood, and its great to get to meet the neighbours.

My kids are dressing up as Batman and Cinderella, the two most typical costumes for this year, but they do look really cute. When they tried their outfits on, my daughter said "I'll be the princess and you get to save me". My son muttered something about Batman not saving princesses, that he kills bad guys. When my daughter adamantly told him he had to play he said "if you want to be saved, you should call Spiderman". Kids are hilarious.

Yesterday we had my daughter's family birthday party at my parent's house. She also has a big party with all her friends this coming Sunday- 20 kids with a bunch of jumping castles, ball pits, etc. My head hurts just thinking about it. It will be nice to see the kids having fun, but the thought of the noise level makes me a little freaked out...Either way, I'm sure she will love it.

As I was running back and forth to and from my car in preparation for yesterday's birthday party, my two neighbours (one from each side of my house) were taking care of their grass. When they asked what was new, I told them about my busy week- My daughter's birthday party, Halloween, Eid (religious holiday), and her second birthday party. They commented that it sounded like I always have a lot on my plate and offered to help me with my lawn, since they were already doing their own. I told them that I couldn't accept their offer, that it was very kind of them, but that I would feel bad. Honestly, I have no issues dragging my brother out to help with my lawn, but not my neighbours! They insisted, and one neighbour decided to cut my grass and the other one came afterwards and fertilized it for me.

I will never be able to get past how incredibly kind people can be. This tiny act of kindness just made me love this neighbourhood so much more, and made this house feel that much more like home. Its weird, but the thought that even strangers around me care in some way or another is just so touching. I never expected to have such nice neighbours. I never expected to have so many wonderful people around me. I never thought that I could be all alone, yet have more support than ever. Its weird, but I am less lonely and much happier now than I was while I was married. Isn't it odd how you could be with someone, yet still find that you're all on your own? A really great friend of mine told me that she would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones. Words to live by.

An Excuse to Play

I went shopping with my sister (no- I did NOT buy shoes), but I did have a great time. There's something about shopping that just totally takes away any and all stress. Its like relaxation therapy or something. Its funny- I was buying stuff that I had to buy- clothes for the children, toiletries, even some groceries. But the best part of my day was my trip to the toy store.

My daughter's 4th Birthday is on Halloween (Monday). Its also almost the end of Ramadan, which means we will have a religious holiday on Friday that is pretty much like Christmas for Muslims. I spent my time buying toys for both children, buying toys for other children, as well as buying toys for my daughter's birthday. It was fun picking up some of the toys that I remember playing with as a child- board games like Guess Who, Perfection, and Operation. But the absolute most fun of the day was buying the Barbie stuff for my daughter.

I went nuts in the Barbie aisle. My sister was with me, and we were just dying over all the stuff they had. My daughter is getting 3 barbie dolls, a Barbie kitchen, the Barbie nursery, the Barbie store, and the barbie Volvo. I spent waaaay more money than I should have and I still came home thinking - damn- I wish I had enough to get that bedroom- I mean where the heck will Barbie sleep- on the floor? Maybe we can get her that another time.

When my sister and I got home, we couldn't resist. My children are with their dad this weekend, so we started to open up the Barbie stuff and play with it. I know, its really shameful- but she's going to be 4- how the heck will she ever know we opened the box? My brother in law was watching us and all he could say is "you guys are nuts- what the heck are you doing?"...But my sister and I, we were loving it- the dishes, the little forks, the teacups- man- the living room even had a plasma TV and remote control! It was better than my living room- and her Volvo rocks!

Anyhow, this little nostalgic evening was lots of fun! Tomorrow, we are having a little birthday party for my daughter, and I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees her new toys. But even more- I can't wait to join in when she plays with them- its going to be so much fun!

I guess that's one of the really cool things about having kids. Some people say it ages you to have children- because they can be so much work. But you know what? It also can help to keep you young at heart. All you have to do is remember what it was like to be a kid- to learn to think and play like a kid again. After all, a youthful attitude helps take the edge off of being a grown up. I've been the stressed out woman for quite awhile- and one of the things that I've recently learned is that I need to remind myself how to play and have fun. After all- that's the great part of life- learning to enjoy yourself- even if it means finding an excuse to bust out the Barbie dolls every once in awhile.

65 Pairs of Shoes...

I went out with a girlfriend last night. As I was getting dressed, I went to my closet to pick out a pair of shoes...Which ones do I wear? OK- I have a shoe thing...I love shoes. As I was picking up my short black boots (perfect for the black jeans I was wearing), I remembered my dad's comments when I was moving out of his place, and moving into this house.

He came into my room one day and saw all the shoe boxes...He was in disbelief. He asked me- "those aren't ALL shoes are they?!" Um, yeah dad...They are shoe boxes, right? I was really amused because he was in disbelief. I got a bunch of questions...When did you buy those, how much did they cost you, when are you EVER going to wear all those shoes? "Um dad, they're fun...They go with all my clothes. A lot of them are neat cuz they match my Indian outfits perfectly- like those Nine West Disco Pink sequined sandals...Those are my favourite". He looked at me and passed a comment about the fact that I actually had "disco pink" shoes. I pulled them out of the box and showed them to him triumphantly and he said "yeah, they are REALLY nice, but still!"...Ok dad, let's agree to disagree.

He slowly walked out of the room muttering something about how I was single handedly guilty for the people starving in Africa- "there are people starving and you waste all that money on shoes".

"Um, actually, daddy, these shoes are probably made in Africa, so I'm probably helping feed people by buying them". He gave me a "yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night" look and walked out. And then I felt kind of guilty. Maybe this was too many shoes. Maybe I should give some up. When I moved out of the house, I did actually give away about 12 pairs, so I do feel a bit better. But those disco pink ones....I'm not parting with them. I don't know what it is...Maybe its the fact that they're out of character for me...Or at least, according to the "me" that most people know.

When I go to work, I only ever wear black shoes...Sometimes I'll be really daring and wear brown ones...My colleagues never see this side of me. And, its probably for the best. I don't really want people thinking I'm some airheaded queen who has nothing better to do than to walk around in her tick-tick-tick high heels. After all, I work in the corporate world. Its all about the image you give off. To most of them, I'm miss boring MBA corporate black/grey suit girl who probably doesn't know how to have fun. I don't want to spoil that, now do I? I think I'm almost afraid that this shoe thing will somehow invalidate my education and work experience and make people think I'm a total brainless bimbo. Funny- you get into the corporate world and you somehow conform. Its like becoming part of the Borg or something- you must assimilate...

My "in the closet" (tee hee) disco shoes represent the fun side of me that I don't want to let go of. Unfortunately, lately, they've spent more time in the closet than out, but still- I'm not parting with 'em.

Today, I'm going shopping with my sister. And while I am totally a shopaholic, I have promised myself that I would not buy any more shoes this year. I bought a few pairs in April, and nothing since then. I'm waiting until next April...want to see if I can go the whole year without buying shoes. I'll buy other stuff, but I'll hold off on the shoes. Wouldn't want to contribute to the famine in Africa, right? :-)

Fridays at Home...

I have a little arrangement with my boss. I get to work from home on Fridays. I love this arrangement, and over the years I've managed to learn to ignore people's comments that "oh nice- you get to 'work' from home one day a week".

Get off of it. If I was really not working, or even working at half capacity, don't you think somebody would have figured that out by now?

I work hard on Fridays. I get more done on Fridays. So from an office perspective, there's no issue. Arguably, they get more productivity from me on a Friday than they do any other day of the week, cuz I don't get distracted, and I get to plow through my emails, presentations etc.

Besides all that, there is something deliciously fabulous about my Fridays at home. Maybe its the fact that I get to avoid a 1.5 hour commute to work (each way). Maybe I love the fact that I don't have to rush to catch the train, huffing and puffing like some peasant every morning and evening. Maybe its the fact that I get to sit here in my track pants, on my couch, with my laptop and the sun shining through the window. Or that I don't have to wear heels, makeup, a business suit, or even contact lenses. (Yes, its true, I look nasty on Fridays). I can see the shocked look on my daughter's teachers faces when the usually dressed up mom walks in looking like this, but I don't care. Its actually amusing. I know I clean up nice. But not on Fridays. This is my ponytail, eyeglasses, no makeup, running shoes, take a break from the outside world day. But like I said, I'm still very productive, so those of you who don't think so, please- lay off, and keep your comments to yourselves.

The REAL thing that I love about Fridays, the real thing that I look forward to most of all is picking my son up from school. My daughter I can pick up from daycare any day of the week, cuz daycare hours are anywhere from 7am-6pm. But my son, who is in public school, his hours are from 8:30-2:50 which means Fridays are the only day where I get to see him off and pick him up. I wouldn't trade anything for the look on his face when I get to his school, and his eyes light up. "Mommy! You're here! I LOVE YOU!". I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

And that boys and girls- is why I love Fridays.

After I pick him up, I bring him home and we eat a snack together. While we're eating, he tells me about his day, about what he learned, about his teachers. We spend about 30 minutes together and then I have to get back to work, and he gets some downtime with his toys. But those 30 minutes are my favourite 30 minutes in the whole week.

Sometimes it makes me a little sad to think that on the other 4 days, a babysitter gets to hear my son's stories. Sometimes it makes me sad that I can't be there every day. But to be honest, I'm really not the stay-at-home-mom type. I love my career, and really, it saved me (and the children) from a really bad marriage. The financial independence gave me the element of choice, so no regrets there. This isn't about regrets, but about the fact that there are little things along the way that we cherish because that's all we have to get us through. Those 30 minutes with my son will forever go down in my history books.

Somehow I know that a few years from now, I will get some peace and satisfaction from knowing I did this, that after everything I've been through- the hospitalization, the separation, the lawyers, the financial mess, the other health issues, that I did take some of it to heart, I did learn to slow down, I did learn to reduce some of the stress (like Friday GO train schedules), and that I did learn to cherish a few nice moments. Like the after school Friday snack times with my son.

I'm grateful that I have a job that gives me this flexibility. I'm grateful that I have such an awesome son (how many 6 year old boys are so affectionate and talkative?). I am grateful that I have a boss that trusts me and knows me well enough to give me this opportunity. I am grateful for Fridays.

My Father's Princess...

"A father's worst nightmare is having his daughter show up at his doorstep, luggage and children in hand, proclaiming that her marriage is over. A daughter's worst nightmare is a father who won't let her in. Thank you dad, for NOT being that father..."

Yesterday was my father's 65th Birthday. We had a little family dinner, cut some cake and spent the evening together. I had spent a few days mentally spinning, wondering what the heck do you give as a present to a man who is financially secure and has almost everything he needs? And then I realized it....you tell him the truth, the things that sometimes you're too shy or proud or awkward to say in person, but the things that you really do want him to know. I bought a card, and in it, I wrote a nice letter, every word of which came straight from the heart. A small excerpt is above.

As I was writing the card, I realized just how much it is that I owe my father. Its funny- we have a very unusual relationship. Part of it stems from the fact that we are similar in many ways- we're both stubborn, we can both be proud at times, we both always think we're right, and we're both relatively smart (at least, I'd like to hope so). Anyhow, put the two together in a room and you get the equivalent of two bulls wearing red shirts in an arena in Spain. Really- No kidding. We clash quite a bit, but the funny thing is at the end of the day, we care a great deal for eachother, and we both know it.

Case and point- when I left my marriage, I knew, with certainty that I could go home to mom and dad. I knew, that no matter what, they would support my decision and that my father would face the world for me without even thinking twice. I also knew that my dad would find a game plan to help me get back on my feet financially. And all of this turned out to be true. At the end of the day, my dad would give his right and left arm for me, and I know it to be true, without a doubt. Sitting here today, in my new home, my new beginning, I know I owe a lot to my dad. He really is a remarkable man. Facing up to a difficult community is not something every parent would do, but my dad would do it without even thinking twice.

A few months back I was having lunch with a colleague from the office. We were talking about life in general and I gave him some of the background of the hell that has been my life over the past year. At that time, I told him about how lucky I was to have Indo/Pak parents that would help me when my marriage fell apart. I explained to him that for most Indo/Pak families, once your daughter is married, that's it- she doesn't usually have the option of coming back. I explained the background, because I wasn't sure if he knew much about the culture. I'm not sure what cultural background he is (I've never asked), but I'm guessing West Indian or Jamaican maybe. Either way, I know its not East Indian, which is why I felt the need to explain. He kind of stopped eating, paused looked at me for a second, and said "you know what? A daughter should ALWAYS be able to come home, no matter what her age or situation". My friend was right. Words to live by, and thank God I have parents who share those views.

Its funny- I'm sitting here thinking about the life I'm about to rebuild as this strong independent woman, but really, I did not do this alone. I had strong parents who supported me emotionally and financially. I have strong siblings as well as a brother in law and sister in law who have been here for me. I actually wouldn't be here without them. My sister in law who has given me good advice, helped me with my children, and waited patiently for me to make a decision. My sister who called me every week from overseas to check on me...And a brother who was there whenever I needed him.

As much as I want to believe that I have accomplished a lot, really, at the end of the day, I have only been able to do so because of the love and strength of my family. My friend was right. Daughters should always be able to go home, and I am so glad that I was able to, and even more glad that I did.

The Unhappy Perfectionist

I used to be incredibly proud of myself for being a perfectionist. I used to beam every time I overheard a conversation about me that ended in "yeah, well we can't all be superwoman, now can we?". I used to think that it meant that I was doing really well for myself, that I had somehow managed to achieve more in my life than the average person does in theirs, which means that I was a success. Its funny how we define success, it's all subjective, and really tells you a lot about the person in question.

For me, being a perfectionist meant striving to do the best. Not the best that I can, but better than others. Maybe its my competitive streak, maybe its my neurotic streak, or maybe (dare I say it?)- maybe its my somewhat insecure streak. I finally realized recently that I might be putting value in the wrong things. I might be giving importance to something that really isn't important at all. I guess I have my good friend Graham to thank for helping me realize this one.

I was talking to Graham a few months back, and we were talking about perfectionism. I was proudly telling him that I was a very driven individual, that I was anal, often Type A, and that I was a perfectionist. He looked at me and said, "you do know the difference between being driven and being passionate don't you"? When I went on to say, not really- that the end result of both is the same, he agreed; but said that while the end result is the same, the motivation is different. He said "passionate people are driven by their energy, emotion and soul. Driven people are driven by fear- your drive, honey- seems to come from fear, not passion."

Well, this was a shocker. Fear? Fear of what? And then he gave it to me- fear of failure. You know what? He was right. I owe Graham a lot- he helped me realize something very profound about myself, and it explains my whole life. Like why so many of my decisions are based on what people will think of me. Like how social acceptance has always been so important to me. Like how being judged as incompetent would make me feel so devastated that I would drive myself to do crazy neurotic things like (yes, this one's true)- cleaning the house till 4am when I'm drop dead tired, or refusing to open the door when the bell rings cuz the carpet hadn't been vacuumed yet. Even little things about me- the fact that I carry 'tide to go' in my purse, or that I have shout wipes in my desk. I've tried so hard to be the "ideal" mom, employee, wife, daughter, friend, that I have left little time to be whoever I really was. Graham was right. I am very driven, and unfortunately, it is by fear.

All of a sudden my entire life started to make sense. Like why I can be so nice to people at times that I let them walk all over me. Why I stayed in a marriage that wasn't working out for as long as I did. Why I pushed myself to the point of hospitalization before I realized that I did need to slow down. What the hell was wrong with me?

Another friend of mine had another very profound thing to say to me. She said "you need to stop being so proud of the fact that you are a perfectionist. You know what a perfectionist is, don't you? Its a permanent ticket to lifelong unhappiness". I was stunned when she said this to me. After all, how could a perfectionist be unhappy? They were perfect! But she went on to explain that nobody can ever be perfect. We as humans are imperfect. So as a result, someone who constantly strives for perfectionism is constantly working towards something they can never have, and if they base their happiness on it, they cannot ever be happy. Damn! What the hell have I been wasting all this energy on?

Fortunately, most of this happened some time back. Fortunately, I did take a lot of this to heart. I did slow down, I did allow myself to be human, and I have made some major choices. Like vacuuming the house when I have time, but yes, I will open the door even if the place is a mess. Like the fact that I have allowed myself to go into the office late if I have a rough night with the kids, and I feel no shame telling people if I'm having a rough day. Like the fact that I have actually let my kids walk around with a grass stain on their pant leg without whipping out the 'tide to go' (that stuff is still in the purse, but its for me- hey one step at a time right?)....The point is, I'm trying to re-prioritize. Really- the time with my children reading books is more important than the late night laundry routines. The time with my girlfriends is more important than the time I could be cleaning the house. I still take care of the housework, but within reason. I have left dishes in the sink overnight, and I have left the kids coats on the hallway floor if I was too tired to pick them up. (Really- they're just gonna wear them again in the morning...So who cares).

I have a friend who is really similar to me. She recently said that she has made a conscious decision to let her house go. She's also a single mom and says that this is the only way she can be the mother that she needs to be. You know what? I admired her for it. I envied her for it. But at the same time- I hope she doesn't feel ashamed of it. The true test for her is whether or not she will be too ashamed to open the door if someone comes over unannounced. After all, a major part of making a good decision is being confident about it, right?

As for me, I'm taking baby steps- one thing at a time. Its all about starting over. My new beginning is not just about finding myself. I don't know if I want to find myself. I don't think I do. I don't think I want to go back to who I was. Let's just say, I'd like to work more on CREATING myself. I would like this to be about ME. About being who I need to be, who I've wanted to be, and not giving a damn about opinions, or validation. Its about New Beginnings 4 me, and you know what? For the first time in my entire life, I'm actually proud of myself. I actually like the space I'm in, and I'm happy about it. I'm proud of how much of accomplished, of what I've done with my life, and of who I am. And I have to say, I've lowered the bar just a bit....I now strive for excellence, but no longer for perfectionism. And I love it.

A Yard Full of Weeds

It amazes me how quickly weeds can grow in a yard, and how bloody long it takes to pull them out. I'm not talking little tiny weeds here, I'm talking the big menacing looking suckers with nasty thorns the size of Texas. You know, it took me two hours out there and after those two hours, I was ready to pass out. One look around and I realized, I had only gotten though maybe 1/3 of the backyard (and to be honest, my yard is not huge). As I carried the big brown bag full of weeds to the front, I noticed new ones starting in the front yard. I was in shock. Where did those come from? I pulled those out just two weeks ago and here they are again!

It was at that moment that I started to feel just a little hopeless. It almost feels like I will never get rid of all those weeds, let alone get to actual planting stuff, or house renovations or anything else. I need help with all this work, but who's going to help me?

I know weeds aren't the main issue but all of a sudden it hit me. This is my life. By making the decision to be a single parent living on my own, I've committed myself to a lifetime of never being able to catch up. Seriously- people with two adults in a household can barely keep up with the chores of a home, and what the heck was I thinking buying one? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this house, but a condo was looking pretty good while I was standing out there amongst all those weeds.

Then my normal rational side kicked in (thank GOD!). I mean really, I don't have the right to complain, cuz at the end of the day, how many single moms do you know who can afford a home? I need to be more grateful. And, I'm doing this on my own by choice. Imagine what its like for those in countries like Pakistan who lost their spouses to the earthquake and have to deal with that loss and the fact that they are now in dire need of the basic necessities of life? In the grand scheme of things, weeds are no big deal. In fact, I think I'm just a little bit grateful that I'm sitting here with weeds/housework as my major complaints, cuz really, it could always be worse. I have a beautiful home, two beautiful children that I adore, a loving family, awesome friends, a great job, and a chance at a new beginning. What more could I possibly want?

I'm going to walk away this day making the conscious decision to appreciate what I have and to be thankful for the people and things that surround me, including the weeds. After all, if I hadn't had to spend that time today pulling them out, I may not have stopped to smell the flowers.

The "Good" Parent?

I know its not a race or a competition. I know we're not supposed to get into the "which parent do you like more" game- after all, that's how children of divorced families turn out so spoiled (and sometimes bratty). There is something that's really bothering me though. My sister raised a really good point a week ago, and I can't seem to shake it. Its been driving me nuts.

See- In this arrangement, I am the responsible parent. No, I'm not just saying that. I really am. I am the one who does 99% of the "work" with the children. I'm the one who has them on weekdays (do you know how hard it is to juggle daycare and a demanding job?)...I'm the one who does Doctors appointments. I do parent-teacher meetings. I feed them, bathe them, do their laundry, help them with homework. My home is structured, and has basic rules (eg- no junk food till you eat healthy food, not too much TV, pick up after yourself), and I spend time teaching them manners, and overall good habits.

In our arrangement, my ex gets the children 3 weekends a month, and I get them one weekend a month. This is NOT a standard arrangement. The standard arrangement is 2 weekends each, and one weeknight for the non- primary care parent. I turned down this agreement and gave him one of my weekends in exchange for his weeknights, for the children's stability. This is for 2 reasons. Really, how stable is it to have one school night at the second parent's house (I think that's disruptive, and would affect them in school), and secondly, to be perfectly honest, my ex is incompetent. No I'm not being mean or bitchy, I'm dead serious. He's not really good at the whole structure thing, and I knew that, and didn't want to impact the children. He's also bipolar, and I feared that if he had the children in a stressful weekday time, he might end up getting frustrated and yelling a lot, and affecting their self esteem. So I gave him one of my weekends, and I get to keep them all week during the weekdays. I feel really crappy about it, cuz I miss them like crazy, but really, I don't think I had a choice.

Case and point- This summer, I had 2 weddings on a Sunday night (don't ask- IndoPaks are weird). So, he offered to keep the children that Sunday night, since I would be getting home at around 11pm. We both agreed that it would be disruptive for them to moved from one home to another like that when it would be past their bedtime, and they would probably have fallen asleep. He would drop them off at school the next day. On both occasions, he ended up getting them to school late- One time at noon, the other at 10am (School officially starts at 8:30, and I get them to the sitter by 7am). On both occasions, I got a phone call from the school requesting that I not let my ex drop off the children because they were late, and as a result, whiny, disruptive, and overall difficult. OK- My children are normally really doing well in school. Their behavior was described by the teachers as "out of character for them". See what I mean? So what the heck was I to do? This just shows that my gut instinct was right to give him a 3rd weekend for the weekday. My fear is, what does this mean for my relationship with the children?

Last weekend, my sister pointed out that "nice- you're the strict rule parent, and he's the fun parent. You get to work like an ox and you'll never be appreciated and they will forever like him more". I never really thought of it that way. But just thinking of that brings me to tears. I'm working as hard as I can, and I don't want to be the mean/boring parent, I want them to have fun with me too. What choices do I have? I mean in the weekdays, its hard enough to do dinner, homework, bath and bed, its not like I can squeeze in a trip to the movie theatre or something. And while I try to do fun things with them on the one weekend I have, really- in the grand scheme, its just a weekend, and so overall, they have more "fun" in the time they spend with their dad than in the time they spend with me, by nature of the fact that he gets all the relaxing time, and I'm doing all the work (really- is dinner/homework /bath any fun for a 4 and 6 year old? Nope- I didn't think so either).

I try to console myself with the fact that one day they will know how much I care and how much I do. One day they're bound to know it, and I kind of think they already do in some ways. A few weekends ago, my daughter was sick. My ex picked her up from school on Friday and within an hour and a half called me and said, "can you cancel your plans for the weekend, she's sick and is crying for you". Well two things- on the one hand, I was relieved that she would be with me because some extra time with her would be awesome even if she was sick, and on the other hand, I was irritated because the one opportunity he had to actually do some work, he passed onto me (what a jerk). But anyways, he dropped her off at my place, and we had a great weekend. She was very clingy and woke up at night, but we still had fun. We played pat a cake, watched TV and ate popcorn, and talked- a lot. I asked her "why did you cry for mommy when you were sick, why didn't you want to stay with daddy honey?" and she said "cuz you're a good mommy and you always take care of me and make me feel better". I have to admit, that melted my heart. I mean maybe subconsciously they know that I'm always here for them. I mean my home is structured, but in a gentle way. I try to tell them "when something is wrong, you can tell me. I won't get mad". I'm hoping they believe that. But still....I'm not the "fun" parent...and that bugs me, cuz I know I can be. I know if I had more time, I would be spending it at the zoo, at mini golf, at the park....I just have so little time with them...

I guess there's no point getting upset in all this. Really, I don't have a choice. I'm just hoping that one day they do come to know how much they mean to me. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to find ways to make things more fun. But it will bother me inside. I mean how do you know when you're making the right choices and doing the right things? You'll never know until they grow up, and then its too late.

The final step...Divorce.

OK Well- A bit misleading, because I'm not divorced...Yet. I've told my ex that we need to file, I've made that decision, but I just haven't made the step to go to my lawyer. I ask myself, why? I mean really, its been 16 months since I left this marriage. We've legally separated, and I've moved on and got my own place with the children. So what's stopping me from filing? I don't know what it is. But my guess is that its fear of what the "final" decision will mean for me socially, within my community.

Everywhere I go, I often hear about how I need to sacrifice for my children, never leave a man who loves the children. Never leave a marriage because you will be alone for the rest of your life, and while I really hope I'm not allowing all that garbage to get to me, part of me thinks it is.

Really, I've had 3 main strings of support- my immediate family- mom, dad, brother & his wife, sister & her husband. Then there are my handful of close friends, and then (surprisingly) my colleagues at the office. Other than that, the place where I have felt zero support is my community- the Pakistani Muslim community. Funny that their opinion matters so much, I mean really, I was born here, and so to hell with them, but for whatever reason, their opinion will probably hurt my parents' reputation, and so it does matter to me. But all its doing is pushing me further away. Next time through, I will not be getting involved with someone from this community. I've had enough.

All this talk about the importance of making decisions based on children confuses me at times. Its the age old question- are children better off having two parents that live together (but are unhappy), or better off with two parents who live separate but in peace? The problem is, I won't know the answer for another 15 years or so. Its hard to make a decision when you know you might regret it one day. That being said, I have already made my decision, I just haven't acted on it.

I mean, one of my aunts constantly tells me to go back, to work it out. I keep telling her, do you KNOW how hard it is to live with a bipolar man? Do you know how emotionally disturbing it could be? Do you really think I did not try my best? But its funny- she shares the opinion of many in our community- a woman's role is to hold her family together, no matter what the cost. I personally think that's a load of crap, but the problem is, I sometimes get so tired justifying my decision to the community that it wears me down.

One of my girlfriends gives me the simple answer- so stop justifying yourself. I guess that's right, but really harder to do in practice, easy to say in theory. My solution works just as well- stay away from the community and you won't have to hear people's opinions. It has worked so far. I've managed to stay away from everyone. But now its Ramadan- so its like Christmas season. Can't avoid the parties and functions- the kids want to go....I guess I'll just have to suck it up and face it....This should be fun. I'd rather be underwater basket weaving...But whatever.

So I go on. I get dressed, put on a happy face, pack the kids in the car, go to the parties. Smile, stay distant, and leave. Its quite a facade, but it gets me through.

Don't worry, little by little I am gaining strength. Little by little, I'm getting there. Baby steps, right? Learn to walk before you run. Hey- I did the first few steps...Got my own place. That was a big move. Signed the separation agreement- that was an important step. Dealt with custody issues. Now the rest is paper work.

Religion, from a 5 yr Old

Well, this is interesting. I think we as adults tend to forget that children have the incredible ability to challenge the norm. I think that's because they always tend to ask the question "but why?". Although the constant "but why" question can get a bit annoying some of the time, I really think its fabulous overall. The conversation I had with my son on Friday just blew me away. Here's a recap:

First, he started asking about God in general. He knows we're Muslim, but I'm not sure he fully understands what that means. (Ok- At times, I'm not fully sure even I understand what that means). He understands that there are different religions and that we often use them as our moral compasses, governing our behaviour and guiding us, but that is truly general for a 5 year old. So, on Friday, he started by asking:

"mommy- God is good right?"
"yes honey he is."
"and all the good people go to heaven right?"
"yes honey they do."
"and all the bad people go to hell, right?"

- OK- I'm not sure where he picked that up from cuz I never taught him that (school maybe??), but ok, I figured let's see where this goes...

"well, honey- who told you that? Um- well I guess some bad people do, yes"....
"and only bad people hurt people right?"

- well this one was easy:
"oh yes, its bad behaviour to hurt others."

...AND- Here's the kicker guys-
"Well mommy, if God is good, why did he make bad people if he's just going to send them to hell anyways?"

....OH DAMN. How the heck do I answer that one? The kid is a genius.
"Um....you know what honey? That's a really good question"...

And then there was question #2. This one is funny (in my opinion). My son says "well mommy- we're Muslim right?"
"yes honey we are."
"and some people aren't right?"
"well yes honey, there are lots of other religions in the world."
"So mommy are all Muslims good?"

OK- There is only one answer to this...but I was starting to fear where he was going...
"No honey- some are and some are not."
"and what about the not-Muslim people, are they good?"
"well, yes honey- many of them are, and some are not- there are good and bad people in all religions..."
"So mommy- do all religions have alot of rules?"- hmmmm this was getting tougher...
"well yes, all religions do have rules...some people follow them, and others don't. We try to follow as many of them as we can."
"So mommy- if there are good people and bad people in all religions, and the good ones end up in heaven, why don't we just take the religion with the least rules and do that?"

Ha! The kid is a genius. The straight line is the shortest distace to your destination, right? My little 5 year old is trying to convince me to do just that. Its hilarious, and facinating all at the same time. Religion is a funny thing. You can't exactly explain "blind faith" to a 5 year old kid yet....he's kind of got an interesting line of reasoning. I'm dreading the day he starts really seeing the polarity in all religions (especially ours), and starts asking me those questions. Cuz quite honestly- I'm still trying to figure them out for myself, I don't think I'm ready to answer them for a 5 year old yet. Heck who knows, maybe he's going to help me figure out a few of my own along the way.

The Crab

"When a crab is moving on a beach towards the water, it never crawls in a straight line. It goes to the side, the other side, backwards, forwards, but eventually, it does make it to the water.

This is your journey, and just like the crab, eventually, you too will get there. Have patience- you will get to where you need to be"...

Incredible words of wisdom from Dr. Clive. I go to see my M.D. at least once a month as a follow up to a hospital stay I had a year and a half ago. Funny who you meet in life, and what they end up contributing to you. Who would have guessed that an M.D. would make such an enormous contribution to me, but he has. It helps that I've known him since I was 3, and that he knows my entire family. He has this....perspective, of me, my family, the cultural challenges I've faced. But more importantly, I know that no matter what happens, I ALWAYS leave his office feeling reassured and re-charged. (Man! He should be a therapist!)

Its funny. In the past year and a half, I've learned alot about friendship, and about people. I've been through an insane time...hospitalized in March 2003- with what they thought was MS (but thankfully was not). Having to walk using a walker or a cane, I miraculously managed to walk on my own again (with the help of God)- thankfully over the span of just 2 weeks. Two months later, I made a decision to be happy and to change everything- I stopped wearing the Islamic headscarf, left my bi-polar (and incredibly difficult) husband, and moved in with my parents for a year to recover financially and emotionally. Financially, I did recover....as for emotionally, I'm still working on that. :-) The crab people...think of the crab :-)

Anyhow....here's my point. I learned some very valuable things about friendship. Going through massive hardships like this, you really learn who you can rely on, and who you can't. Fortunately for me, I've found that the world is actually a really great place. I have SO many people that have just saved me, I do feel truly blessed. Dr Clive, an MD, Dr Kim, a Naturopath, Dr Karen- a chiropractor- who all became sort of friends to me. Then there's my boss who was AWESOME- trust me guys, I really lucked out on this one. How many people get to work for someone and get to KNOW with 100% certainty that if you go through something really difficult, you will get both emotional support and an ear from someone who genuinely cares? Like I said, AWESOME. I remember when I left my ex, I called my boss and told him the story, asking for a couple of days off. The answer I got "take as long as you need....but that's not what matters...are YOU ok?". And you know what? He wasn't the only one.

I have this friend at work who- and I'm dead serious- walked by my desk several times a day every day just to say "are you ok? Nope- you do not look ok- let's get a conference room and chat"- and there she was- box of kleenex in hand, being an AWESOME shoulder to cry on.

I could go on and on and mention all the people who saved me this year (like my girlfriend who's a social worker and works in a women's shelter and personally fended off my ex about a million times)...but I'll stop :-) The point is, I got support from the TOTALLY weirdest places, and its been an awesome trip. I don't know where I would be without these awesome people around me.

And you know, its not just my friends, my doctors, my totally amazing family. Its people that you don't even expect it from. Like my co-workers. This colleague of mine a week ago, saw me just about throw a hissy fit as I hung up the phone with my ex. I sent this colleague an email from my blackberry on the GO train ride home and apologized for being unprofessional. You know what he said? "There's nothing to be embarrassed about- everyone has bad days....I hope everything is ok, and if its not, and you want to talk about it, you know where to find me". And you know what? I know he meant it. Like I said, the people around me are AWESOME. And all this from the girl who a few months back felt she had nothing. Its all about perspective.

You're right Dr. Clive....I will get there eventually, because I have so many supporters around me who have held me up.