Downtown for a Day

I spent the day downtown. It's a weird feeling to be walking around the area where I work in the middle of the office day, watching people walk by in business suits, while I'm strolling in my jeans. It was also delicious at the same time. Yes, I feel a little evil for saying it, but then again...It's the truth.

I met up with a friend and we picked out an awesome pair of Gucci Sunglasses. I love them. Consider it a little gift to myself. After that, I met a girlfriend for sushi. I haven't seen her for a week and a half, and I was seriously going through withdrawal symptoms (missed catching up with her), so it was nice to have lunch and chat. I also met up with my friend Graham after that, and then I went to my chiropractor for an adjustment and to my RMT for a massage. Not bad for a day downtown huh?

In the evening I met up with a friend, and we hung out for awhile, and then had dinner together. I always enjoy this friend's company, so it was nice to spend the evening that way.

My chat with my friend Graham was an interesting one. Graham is a therapist by trade, so my catch up sessions with him feel a lot like therapy sessions, but that's another day's discussion :-).

We were talking about behavior patterns of humans in general. He said that I've spent my past focusing on what people think, what the world thinks, and that this has had the strongest control over me. His interesting observation is that it's starting to shift, that I'm making decisions that are right for me and starting to ignore the input of the world around me. He said that we as humans need to keep an eye on where the locus of control is in our lives. People whose locus of control comes from outside themselves (ie-from other people)- will never actually achieve true happiness, because you can never fully satisfy the needs of an external party. People whose locus of control is internal, meaning it comes from within themselves, these people have true control over their lives and are better positioned to achieve true happiness, because the needs of the external parties are almost irrelevant to them. Interesting perspective. I'm going to keep an eye on this one...

Time to Myself

"If you can come through the snow and the rain and the sleet, you know you can make it easily when the sun is out and everything is all right."
-Malcom X

Today was a day for myself. I went to the gym for a longer period of time, came home, had a snack, and read some magazines. I'm just spending the day relaxing, trying not to think about too much.

I like this quote from Malcom X. I think it fits. I mean, I've been through 11 years of emotional turmoil, and its finally almost over. It's just paperwork and legal administration now. I feel calm. I feel a bit empty. But calm, and optimistic I would say. After all, nothing is worse than what I went through. If I survived that and made it out, I'm sure I can survive just about anything. The road ahead can only get better.

It's kind of weird, but I've been thinking a lot, and if I haven't missed my ex during our two years of separation, it's obvious that there isn't anything much left there, and that it's been over emotionally for quite some time. The rest is now up to me. Where I go, what I do, I can now make my own decisions. I do, however, want him to be really happy. There is no point in being toxic with each other. If he's happy, my children will be happy and so will I. I've never been the type of person who can stand seeing anyone hurt or upset, so I will be better off if he does well with his life.

As for me, my good friend once reminded me that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm not sure what the future will hold for me, but there are two things; no matter what, I'm going to make sure I continue to live my life with integrity, and number two, I'm going to learn from this experience. I don't know if life will give me a second chance at a relationship, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if it matters, unless I can be confident that it would be the right one for me, and that I wouldn't let history repeat itself. Here's to learning and moving on, whatever that might entail.

A Difficult Process

I spoke to my ex last night and he was adamant that he was not going to sign the papers just yet, that he was ready to go to court and hash out everything all over again. That was a very stressful conversation, and I went to sleep expecting a not so pleasant day today.

This morning at 9:30 I received a phone call from my ex. We had a really pleasant chat and agreed to sign the divorce papers today, together. I picked him up from his house, drove to the lawyer, and we signed the papers. The lawyer said he had to draft some affidavits, and that we would have to come back in another 30 days to sign those, and then it would take 2 months after that for things to finalize. I was shocked. I basically told the lawyer to draft the affidavits now, while we wait, and that we would sign them within the hour. I offered to take my ex for lunch while we waited. (What- like you think it would have been easy to get him back to the lawyer's to sign a second set of documents?). The lawyer reluctantly agreed.

I didn't notice my ex put on his sunglasses while signing the documents. I didn't notice his silence, because I was silent too. I mean, signing away a 17 year relationship, and an 11 year marriage was hard to do. I'm not saying that I regret it, because it needed to be done, but it was difficult nonetheless.

When we got to the car, I noticed his tears. I've only ever seen him cry once, so that was a bit difficult for me. I held his hand, we went to the restaurant, ate lunch, chatted a bit about some of the nice times we shared, went back to the lawyers, signed the second set of documents, and came home. All in all, I would say that we got a lot accomplished today, but that it was emotionally draining, and very "heavy".

One nice thing...When we had lunch, he did say some nice and reassuring things. He said that this was tougher for him, because I was a great wife, he told me that it would be difficult to move on after being with someone as caring as myself, and that he knows he was lucky to have been with me. He said that I was for all purposes as close as anyone can come to being the "perfect wife". I'll take all this as a compliment, because I do believe he was being sincere.

He thanked me for having integrity throughout the separation. I'm glad he acknowledged this today. My close friends know that integrity is something that was important to me throughout this process, and that I always maintained that I had to be able to walk away with "a clean heart". His words reassured me that I will be able to do just that.

The finishing touch- the message on my fortune cookie that made us both laugh... "You are never bitter, deceptive, or petty". Words to live by. I'm going to keep this fortune cookie message in my scrapbook. It was a nice reminder to receive during a very difficult process. I'm glad I'm making it through.

Relaxing

I would say today was the first day since my time off that I've actually relaxed. I spent the day with a friend and we had a really nice time. We hung out, had lunch at my place, rented a movie, chatted and then went shopping. I didn't even think of anything stressful. My friend asked for an update on my situation with my ex, but that was about it. It was a nice change.

I spent this evening drafting up a legal agreement around child support. I'll be sending it to my ex tonight, but not signing it until he signs the divorce papers. He's still pushing back on signing those, so this child support agreement is the last card I have left.

As for me, I'll be heading to the lawyer tomorrow to sign the divorce papers. Let's see how that goes. I'm anticipating that seeing my ex's lawyer again won't be the most enjoyable of experiences, seeing that he helped my ex gauge me for money, but since I am hoping this will all soon be over, I'm sure the hour or so in his office should be somewhat bearable. My next step is to convince my ex to go in and sign, and the rest should be smooth sailing (keep your fingers crossed folks)...

Benefit of the Doubt?

OK- It's noon. No divorce papers yet, and I've been sitting at home all day waiting. So I called my ex and he said that his lawyer is in court all day and that he doesn't have an answer for me. He said I'll get served anytime between today and Monday.

Well, I'm not prepared to sit at home all weekend so I looked up his lawyer's number and just called their office. The main lawyer from the firm came to the phone (not my ex's lawyer, but the owner of the firm), and said that he didn't know of any papers being served today. I asked if he was sure and he said that it could be possible that I'm getting papers, but if I am, he doesn't know about it. His recommendation- don't sit at home waiting for the divorce papers. If he finds out anything, he'll call me before sending them to my home. If I'm not going to be here, he can arrange for me to pick them up from his office.

So I asked him "are the papers even drafted?" and he said he couldn't answer my question. I've left a message for the other lawyer to call me, but he won't be in until 3pm. This does not sound good at all.

Honestly, if this is another one of my ex's scams, I'm seriously not going to be civil anymore. I think I've been very patient and courteous and fair....But this is just getting to be too much.

..................................

Well, this is interesting. I just got off the phone with my ex's lawyer. It's now 3:29 PM. He said he has no clue why I was told the papers would be served, because they aren't even ready, nor has my ex seen them, nor has he signed them. This is nice, isn't it. Oh the games that people play.

So here's what I've done. I've told him to prepare the documents and that I will come in to sign them on Tuesday morning. That way, there is no back and forth with mailing. Also, the lawyer said he never received the marriage certificate, although I gave it to my ex a few weeks ago. Without it, they cannot file. I've instructed my ex to give the certificate back to me so I can personally give it to the lawyer.

In the meantime, I've called my ex, told him to go with me on Tuesday to sign the papers. He said no. If I don't want to see him, he doesn't want to see me. I told him that if he won't sign the papers, I'll have to go to the courts for support money. My guess- I think he'll go with me to sign the papers on Tuesday. I feel horrible being this nasty. I just don't feel like I have many options left. I've been patient, I've been nice, and I've tolerated a great deal. But really, enough is enough.

On the plus side, the lawyer did say that if we both sign the papers together, it can be filed as a joint petition which means it gets processed much faster. Hooray for silver lining. Ok- so now I wait till Tuesday. Hey- it could have been worse. I could have been sitting at home all weekend waiting to be "served". Now I just have to make sure my ex goes in to sign them.

Parent-Teacher Interview

Today was ok. It was a busy day- I had lots of doctors appointments for various things, and spent most of the day downtown. I had a really nice lunch with a friend for about 3 hours, (ok a long lunch), so that was a nice break in the day.

This evening I had a parent-teacher interview with my son's school. My ex wanted to come along, and so we had to find a time that worked for both of us. That alone was enough drama.

Tonight we had the interview. My ex was on decent behaviour. I think he was trying to show me that I don't matter to him anymore, which is fine by me. I'd rather have that than all the recent drama. So overall, I can't complain about it. Plus, it avoids me having to spend a half hour phone call giving him an update afterwards. A session with a third party present (the teacher) is waaaaay better than a phone call.

As for me, I have to spend the whole day at home tomorrow waiting to see if these divorce papers will actually arrive. I'm told they "should" whatever that means. He says if they don't come tomorrow, they will come by Monday for sure. Nice way to ruin two whole days. I'm going to call the lawyer directly and find out for sure. If they haven't given the papers to the serving dude by the morning, its unlikely I will get them tomorrow. If that's what the lawyer ends up telling me when I call, I'm going to go to the gym instead of hanging out here unnecessarily.

An Interim Agreement

My ex and I have managed to come up with an interim agreement which although it is not ideal, will suffice for the time being. Now we're going to draft it and sign it. Let's see how it goes. I'm told the papers are on track for Friday. My fingers are crossed. My friends are saying we should throw a big party when this is over. I'm inclined to agree. Enough is enough.

So today, I went to the gym (muscles are getting sore, but thankfully, the knee is holding up), came home and went through the mail, had lunch with a girlfriend, did the dishes, went to mom and dad's for dinner, and then went shopping with my brother and dad. We picked out a bedroom set for me. Apparently, they are on back order so it may not arrive for up to 8 weeks, but the guy is trying to get it in sooner. I told him to try his best, because I was really hoping to have my bedroom re-done before I go back to the office. It was all part of my new beginning thing for this time off. But, I'll find a way to work with whatever I have. Worst case scenario, I'll just paint and finish the drapes and bedding and wait for the rest to arrive.

My son came down with a nasty fever tonight. That is so hard. There is nothing worse than a sick child. It breaks your heart. So, I had to be at the mercy of my ex to see if he could watch him in the day tomorrow. I would do it, but I have 3 doctor's appointments downtown tomorrow. I hate having to ask him for favours, but really, he's unemployed so he's sitting at home anyways, and sick kids don't do much. They just watch TV and sleep all day. I'm sure my son will survive, and really- I need these appointments. I'll just call and check on him throughout the day.

Either way, I'll try to get home early so I can at least ease my own conscience. Oh the joys of being a single mom.

Day 2 at the Gym

I'm amazed. The knee is holding up. Albeit with a knee brace while I'm there, but hey, it's still holding up! I'm thrilled. Here's the cool thing about the gym. Every day gets easier. I did 20 mins of cardio yesterday and managed 30 today. I would like to work my way back up to 1hr. Let's see how this goes.

I spoke to the lawyer today. He said two things. He said I should get my ex to agree to an interm payment plan, even with a slightly adjusted amount until he gets a job again, and I should avoid the courts, because it will just cost unnecessary money. He said my ex can't stay out of work too long, and if he does, he can't use the excuse that he can't support us. With an MBA and a PMP, he should be able to pull his weight in no time, and if he doesn't the courts will side with me on the grounds that he is deliberately delaying. So, I feel re-assured. Basically, I might have a hit for a few months, but only that, and he can't bring it down to zero. Now's the tough part. Getting all this through his head.

Anyhow, I'm sitting with a new perspective. I think I'm going to manage through this. It is, after all, just money. And money comes and goes. Besides all that, it's spring, and sunny, and I'm off for 3 weeks. I have time to re-group, so I'm not going to let this get to me.

I did ask about the divorce papers. I asked if they're still on track for Friday. The answer was "um- sure, yeah, as far as I know, so let's say yes". Hmmm- that was NOT reassuring. I'll wait till Friday, Monday at the latest and then I'll bring in my lawyers. The big guns so to speak.

As for the rest of today, I spent the afternoon cooking. I never get time to cook, and I do enjoy it. I'll pick up the kids in an hour and bring them home to have supper. Hooray for being a mom again.

Ohhh my Knee

Day 1 at the gym. Wow- that was hard on the knee, even with the brace, and all I did was the bike and some weights. This knee is going to take forever to heal. Totally sucks. So much for ever wearing heels again in this lifetime.

As for me, I got the number of a lawyer through the lawyer referral service. I'm hoping to see the new lawyer sometime tomorrow, and then I'll go to the courts on Wed to file my paperwork. As far as I know, the divorce papers are still on track for Friday. I'm really hoping that they serve them on time, and don't delay by a few days. I'm half tempted to sign them on the spot and hand them back to the guy who serves them. I said half-tempted. Keep in mind that my ex is manipulative and sneaky. Therefore, I will read the papers first, with a fine-toothed comb.

I found that I was a bit anxious today. First day off, lots to do with the divorce, went back to the gym, did groceries, but it was very go-go-go. I have a lot on my mind to deal with. I may skip the gym tomorrow if the knee is still out (or just do arm weights). And tomorrow I have the lawyer. Maybe I just need to accept that this week is a write off.

Trying to Keep Focused

It's Sunday. It's a beautiful sunny day outside. I'm sitting here in my family room just loving the warmth from the sun beams. Thank God for sunshine. I'm doing everything I can to lift my own spririts today....Trying to read magazines, have scented oil lit for the aromatherapy factor, trying to de-stress before the children come home at 5pm.

Although a good chunk of my 3 weeks off will be piled with the stress of my ex's most recent stunt, I'm still going to try to keep focused. I'm going to stick to the plan of going to the gym every weekday and journaling every day. I'll deal with the legal crap in whatever time is left in the day outside of those activities. The last thing I want is to go back to work 3 weeks from now even more stressed than ever.

I have an awesome friend who was kind enough to take a look at my separation agreement and give me some advice. He has his LLB but never took the bar, so he's technically not a lawyer, but in my opinion, he might as well be. He was kind enough to download all the forms for me and fill them all out. I spoke to his wife, who is one of my dearest friends, and she told me that all I have to do is sign the papers and go to the court to file them. That will kick off the dispute portion around child support. It's just the beginning of what I'm about to face yet again, but it's so awesome to know that somebody out there cared enough to do all the initial legwork for me. Talk about golden friends, huh?

I spent a few hours with a good friend yesterday. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to forget things for a few hours. This stuff wasn't even in the back of my mind. That was very promising and I think it calmed me down just a bit.

So here's the plan for today- de-stress, sign the paperwork, and play with the kids. Tomorrow, I'll go to the courts to file, go to the gym, and then spend the evening with the children. Tuesday, I'm sure, will have it's own drama.

My goal for this week is to get it into my ex's head that his recent stunt around child support has nothing to do with the divorce papers. I want the papers signed on Friday and the proceedings scheduled in the courts. I want that to proceed on track. The financial stuff will have to be dealt with separately. The last thing I need is to have the financial stuff and the divorce delaying one another. Let's at least get one thing off my plate so I can feel like everything is not hanging in the air. Some sense of normalcy would be nice right about now.

I cannot understand how any human being on the face of this earth could be so cruel. Abusive to his wife, financially destructive, and then just torturing me by delaying the divorce and playing financial games so that I'm in a position where I don't even know if I can make my next mortgage payment. This is just wrong. This is why so many women stay in bad marriages.

Fortunately for me, I'm not the typical single mom. I have a good career, an amazing network of friends and fantastic resources at my disposal. Yes, I'm stressed, but as my dad said to me yesterday "what are you worried about? As long as you have so many people who love you, you will be just fine. No man can take away who you are, or what you are capable of achieving. Once he gets that through his head, he will have no choice but to give up and to leave you alone. Then you will be able to move on". You go daddy. You rock. It is so awesome how my dad can always manage to reassure me.

Wearing me Down

I'm not sure how or when this will end. Every time I feel that I'm getting back on track and getting away from this lunatic ex-husband, something happens to remind me that life will never be that easy.

All I want is to be free. I want to be able to do what I want, without being stalked. I want to make decisions without an ex who asks a million questions when he has no right to do so. I want to be free of black eyes, broken bones and infinite nights crying myself to sleep. I want to be normal again.

Abusive men are like a disease. They never seem to go away. Just when you think that things are going to get better, just when you see a little bit of light coming in through the cracks, they find a way to seal it shut and leave you in the darkness, yet again. I am so tired of this, I feel like giving up.

Today was supposed to be a good day. It was my last working day before my 3 week vacation. I was supposed to wrap things up. I was supposed to be happy. I should not have answered the phone when he called. Sometimes I feel as if I'll never learn.

So here's the routine for today. He called to tell me that he's lost his job, yet again. This much be like the 5th or 6th time that this has happened to him. I don't know what his issue is, but he just can't seem to hold down a job. (Yeah, did I ever know how to pick 'em). So I wait for the punchline, and it comes. He doesn't feel he can financially contribute to the children. I'm listening, half stunned, wondering, 'do you not realize that these are YOUR children? When was being a deadbeat even an option?'.

I've lived my whole life being a responsible person. I make sure that things always end up the way they should. Right now, I'm starting to see that as a bit of a curse. I'm responsible, so he gets to be a loose cannon. Once, just once, I would like to have one irresponsible day, so I could see how it feels to let go of things. Just once. But here I am, yet again, picking up the pieces for him. It's like deja vu. I spent my marriage cleaning up after broken dishes, patching up holes in walls, covering up my bruised face. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm here cleaning up the financial mess too. I am just so damned tired.

I am so glad I took this vacation time. I'm going to spend it taking care of myself, and doing nothing. While I was really hoping it would be a bit of a break, this recent news tells me that it will consist mostly of visits to lawyers and courtrooms, yet again. And think- I had hoped that the end would be uneventful. Paperwork is what I called it. Hardly. That was wishful thinking. Naive of me, as usual.

Fortunately, I have a good friend with a bit of a legal background who is trying to look into things for me. According to him, just because my ex is unemployed, doesn't mean he can completely let go of his financial responsibilities. At the end of the day, it's not like I'm the least important creditor on his list. His children do, after all need to be fed. I just don't get why it's even an option in his head to do this to me financially. He knows I can't cover all the expenses on my own. He actually told me today to run a line of credit if I need to, because he doesn't have the money. What the hell?

Well....Wish me luck. The end is near, and the beginning of the end tells me its going to be quite the ride. The next few months are going to be insane. Leave it to an abusive man to hold onto his assholeness right to the very end. And imagine- my family friends ask when I'll re-marry- yeah right. Please- let's go through this torture all over again. No thanks. I'll ride alone after this is done.

The Plan

OK- So I've come up with a game plan to help me through the next few weeks. I spoke to my ex and he said that the divorce papers should be ready in the end of next week. I'm really hoping he's not lying to me, because this is dragging on too long for my liking. I actually had a conversation with him today where I told him that this is totally over, and that he shouldn't bother me any more. Let's hope he gets it through his head.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not doing well, and that I need an extended break. Fortunately, I have tons of vacation time coming my way, since I have carry forward weeks from last year. I'm taking 3 weeks off starting this coming Monday. I'll be taking this week to wrap things up at the office, and then I'll get a break for 3 weeks. That should hopefully be enough to get me re-centered again. I really need to function normally. I really need to be myself again. People are starting to notice that I'm not myself. Well, I mean, those around me who care to keep in touch. The rest of course, know very little about how things have been for me lately.

So here is the game plan for the 3 weeks off: gym, journaling, lying around doing nothing, and shopping. It sounds like a plan to me. I'm not sure if I will go away anywhere because that will require too much planning- financial, and then arrangements for the children, so I might have to pass.

Oh yes, I also plan to re-do my bedroom. It's time for me to buy new furniture. The old bedroom set (yes from my married days- very morbid) has to go. I just bought new bedding, so all that's left is new lamps, and a nice coat of paint. That should be enough to keep me occupied for the 3 weeks. Hopefully it will be enough to give me a fresh slate?

Rollercoaster

Good God. I am so very tired of this game with the ex. Every day a different story, every day a new kind of drama. Some days when he comes to drop the children off on a Sunday, I have to hear about how horrible I am, and how he's moving on, and how happy he will be when the divorce is final. Then there are the nights like tonight when he comes in all clingy and needy asking if I'm sure I don't want to re-consider things and possibly reconcile.

Fortunately for me (and I NEVER thought I would say this), my nightmares of the abuse are very vivid, very strong, and are making me sleep deprived and yes cranky. The thought of reconciling ever since I've been re-living everything is just insane.

I looked at him tonight and really wanted to say- yes I would love to reconcile...More black eyes please...But thought, no let's take the high road and not be salty here. I feel sorry for him, and yet I can't stand him...What a weird twisted mix that is. So I politely declined the oh-so-wonderful offer and closed the door as he left.

I'm gonna need therapy for LIFE. This sucks. I marry a bi-polar nut job and I'm the one who will end up in the looney bin. Nice. Real nice.

Being Naive is the Same as Being Stupid

Well, clearly I'm going through a man-hating period. I actually have several things bugging me on that front. Obviously the divorce, which is making me realize how stupid I really was for marrying this guy, staying with him throughout the abuse, and yes, having children with him. I have attributed a lot of my decisions to the fact that yes, I am naive in many ways. I trust people and think that they are worthy of my trust. While that might have been ok in my early 20's, it's no longer ok in my early 30's. At this age, the reality is that being naive is the same as being stupid.

I think I'm naive in many ways- I believe in many people who take advantage of the fact that I can be trusting. I often like to believe that the world is full of wonderful people and a handful of bad ones. I like to think that good things will always come to good people. This is all a load of junk. Good things do not happen to good people, in fact good people experience the worst hardships in the world. If you're a person of faith, you believe that it all works out in the end...But for those who aren't, it almost looks like a better deal not to be one of the good ones, after all- instant gratification is core to human nature, is it not?

Anyhow, naive people get hurt. They get hurt over and over again and they never learn. This is stupid. Naive people are stupid. I'm tired of being naive. I'm tired of trusting. I'm tired of hoping for this crap to end when it doesn't. I'm tired of everything.

I might just benefit from becoming one of those selfish women who looks at her own interests first. I'm not saying that I should harm others, that just wouldn't be me. I am saying that I need to stop putting the world's best interests above my own. So now my question is, 'Is it possible for a naive person to stop being naive?' and if so, how do you go about doing that?

Here we go Again

Just when you think you're starting to feel a bit better, you get hit with a day that seems to throw you back by weeks. One step forward, 10 steps backwards. Sigh. What can you do?

I can't even begin to get into how incredibly crappy a day I had today...Right from the morning to night. It's like nothing went right today. Honest to God, some days I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I'm about at the point where I feel like I need to lock myself away from the world for a few days and tell everyone to leave me alone. It's like some days, I almost feel like I just can't function anymore. I can't think logically, I can't speak logically, and I can't contain my emotions. I mean, I've always been an emotional person, but this is waaaay out of hand, even for me. It's like the emotions have taken over my mind and my ability to think logically.

So- I thought the angry phase was long over. I thought wrong. Admittedly, I'm nowhere near where I was when I first left my ex. But I guess I just didn't expect everything to resurface again during the divorce. I just kind of thought that things would wind down, I'd be rid of my ex, and life would be happy again. I didn't expect him to create so many problems for me, and I didn't expect life to get this complicated. I thought I would be ok.

I think the highlight of my day was when my colleague told me that life will be amazing once everything is final (according to his brother's experiences). I'm really hoping he's right. I mean...If this gets any worse, I'm really not going to be able to get through. Now I know why women don't leave abusive or really complicated marriages. It may actually just be easier to stick it through to the end. Leaving and trying to start over is a far more complicated route....So it better end up being worth it.

As for me...I'm just feeling like an emotional mess. I want this to be over. I want the paperwork done. I want my life back. I want to be able to have normal conversations without crying over random things. Ever feel like running away and starting your life over away from everyone? That's the space I'm in.

Babysitter?

I am totally amazed at what a little bit of free time can do. I'm still feeling great from Sunday. It's like I feel so much better. I know it may only be temporary...But hey- I haven't needed sleeping pills...That's a great sign.

I went to work today, and had a full day of meetings. I feel like work is busy, but manageable. Allowing myself to occasionally cut out early and work from home (albeit because my parents are away) has made a world of difference on the stress levels. Just keeping everything in check I guess.

I spoke with my ex today about the children and schedules etc. I hate communicating with him. Every day that goes by I hate it more and more. I wish it weren't like that, but to be honest, the man makes me a bit crazy. So he's into this newly found single party life, or so he says. I mentioned that he went away last weekend, which is fine...But now he says he wants a babysitter to watch the kids on Friday nights and Saturday nights so he can go out and have fun.

I asked him "so lemme get this straight- you want to spend your limited time with the children parking them with a sitter?" and he said only in the evenings. Am I wrong, or is that totally messed up?

I hate the mind games. I actually have to sit and ask myself if he would really do it, or if he's just trying to stress me out because he knows I won't like it, and he's secretly trying to ruin my evenings so I don't end up meeting new people? Honestly, the mind games are a bit too much for me. I'm half tempted to say "go and have your fun, I'll keep the kids", and the other half says that's a trend I should not let myself start. I'm going to have to think this one out a bit more.

No matter how you cut it, the real issue is, I'm just not devious enough to figure all this out. And I lack the jerk factor, which seems to rule him, so either way, I'm vulnerable and will inevitably get screwed. I'm starting to mistrust men. Are they all like this guy, or did I just pick out the gem of the world when I married him? Arg arg arg.

Friends to the Rescue

Thank God for friends. They are awesome. Funny, sometimes even family doesn't kick in and realize when you're down, but when your friends step up to the plate, that's really something special.

It's no shock to anyone who knows me that things have been building up for awhile. The lack of sleep with the emotional weirdness is making me feel really 'off' these days. All I can say is I wait anxiously for my one weekend with the children, because I miss spending time with them. Right now, I can honestly say that this was the WRONG weekend for me to have the children. I can barely handle myself. My fuse is short, my emotions are high, and it's not good for them.

Friday and Saturday were just bad for me and by Sunday, my good friend called me and told me to drop the children at her place and go shopping. She knows better than anyone that a few hours at a mall and I'm re-charged, like I can start with a clean slate. I don't know what it is about shopping, but it works like a charm every time. I know it sounds a bit sad or pathetic...But hey- there are worse habits out there...Like drinking excessively, for example.

Either way, I dropped the kids off for 4 hours and came back feeling like a new person. I got to walk (with my bad knee- I'm sure I'll be paying for that), and got to feel new again. I was able to be happy and to top it off, when I got back to her place to pick up the children, she had fed my children dinner, and had dinner ready for me. Now that's a REAL friend. I cannot describe how badly I needed one little shoulder to lean on, and this friend was here right in time. This seems to be a trend in my life. Every time I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom one friend or another saves me. Angels. All of them. Thank God for them. I wouldn't dare to imagine where I would be today if it hadn't been for the network of angels that seems to catch me at the right moment and hold me up when I need it.

I'm still afraid to face yet another week, but thankfully, I feel just a bit recharged right now....5 days till the next weekend. One day at a time, right? :-)

Breathing Space

It's funny how some events can give us clarity. My ex is gone away for the weekend. I didn't ask him where he was going, nor did I ask him who he will be with. Quite frankly, I don't really care, and I certainly don't want to start the trend of acting as if I'm interested in him, or his life. Not at this point, not with the current situation around divorce proceedings.

Here's the thing. I have the children alone this weekend. But he's away. That amounts to complete freedom and zero stress. I don't think I realized the extent of the stress his presence has on my life (meaning the close proximity of his home to mine). I mean, while I did know that it's been very stressful to live near him and to have him constantly trying to contact me, I had no idea that just his presence near where I live was the cause of so much underlying stress.

Last night, I was up late working. So I didn't get a lot of sleep, maybe only 5 hours. But last night, I slept without sleeping pills, without tranquilizers, without issue. I was up until 3am walking around the house. I NEVER walk downstairs past 11pm. I'm always afraid of who might be looking in, specifically that he might be loitering around. This weekend, I knew he wasn't here, and as a result, I was totally at ease, walking around the house at 3am, working in my living room (I would never do that), and just enjoying my space.

I thought the alarm system would have given me this peace, but it clearly hasn't. It does help, I mean, I find that I'm no longer listening for sounds at night while I'm sleeping, but it doesn't help everything. His absence from the city on the other hand, was the best thing for me. Sad, but true.

This makes me wonder when I'll ever be able to walk freely in this house. Will it be after the divorce, or am I just deluding myself into believing that? My friend said that men like this get even worse when you're divorced because they no longer have any hopes that they are holding onto. I'm hoping she's wrong. If she's right, that means I need to wait until he meets someone else and moves on. Then he will be someone else's problem :-)

Graham's Psychoanalysis

I met with my friend Graham today. I love chatting with him. He's a professional therapist, so it always makes for good conversation. I always end up feeling a whole lot better when I've spoken to him. Maybe this is a sign that I'm in desperate need of therapy? :-)

He made me realize that everything I'm going through is normal. I actually told him in detail about some of the abuse and he was shocked. He didn't know it was so bad. I mean, how could he? I never told anyone.

He said that given everything I've been through, it's perfectly normal for things to unravel emotionally once the divorce proceedings have started, especially since I've never spoken about it for all these years. I think he has a point. He said that I need to pick a couple of friends that I can check in with on a regular basis and talk out everything- the abuse, the feelings, just if nothing else, then to be convinced that my feelings are normal. That almost sounds pathetic to me, although I do know where he's coming from.

Graham also thinks the vacation is a good idea, because it will get me out of my routine and let me think objectively. I don't know. Everyone has an opinion. Funny- I feel totally messed up these days, but I also feel optimistic, because I know just a few more months and I will have a clean slate. I can't wait.

As for the never ending nightmares, I'm told these are normal, since I've hidden the abuse for 10 years. Graham says that as things wind down, I'm finally able to face what happened, and remember all the details, which explains the nightmares. OK well it sounds normal in textbook terms, but it sounds pretty freakish in real life, so how do you go about explaining that? Now if I could just come to terms with the fact that my recent unraveling doesn't make me a freak, everything would be ok....

Day 1- Parents On Vacation

Well, today doesn't seem to be going too badly so far. I managed to leave downtown at 4 which meant by the time I got home from picking up the children it was about 6. I had started dinner preparations last night, so the evening seems to be going ok. I'm still really exhausted, but I'm expecting that to last a few weeks. If all goes well, I can have the children in bed by 8:30 and have myself in bed by 11. That would be a first, and a treat. If I can manage that, it will mean a full 6 hours of sleep (I get up at 5am), which will be a step in the right direction. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Other than that, just trying to take everything one day at a time. I wish those divorce papers would hurry up and arrive...I keep hoping that the papers will be the final step and then I will be emotionally free. I know it can't be a complete flick of the lightswitch, but then again....can he REALLY bug me much more once everything is FINAL?