The CAS Visit

What a day. I went to the courthouse this morning in the hopes of applying again for exparte custody and the restraining order. When I got through the lines (I was there from 8-9:30), the duty counsel basically said no, that since the judge refused my request, she would not assist me to apply again. I'm wondering why. She basically said that re-stating the facts wasn't sufficient. Come back with evidence or don't come back at all. Like I said, the system fails me. I'm guessing I'll have evidence soon enough- after all, my ex will go berserk when he finds out I called CAS. That will be evidence alright.

I did put in a call to my doctor and asked if he would be willing to write me a letter, releasing the info in his appointment with the children. I figure a doctor's letter is evidence, right? He agreed and said that I should bring the kids in one more time first (to see if they say any more) and then he can try to have something ready for Tuesday-ish. It's really wonderful of him to help, but I still have the dilemma of finding a way to make it through the weekend.

The CAS visit went OK. The children unfortunately didn't say too much. I'm not horribly surprised, because my children aren't the type to just start talking in front of anyone. They did both indicate that they were afraid of their father. And, the worker does have the info from my doctor to leverage. Next stop- she will go to both schools to investigate. The last stop will be to my ex's home. He doesn't know about the CAS call yet.

Every Tuesday and Thursday night my ex gets a telephone call with the children. On Tuesday, I didn't want him to have contact with them so I unplugged the home phone and turned off my cell. He left me a nasty voice mail and email basically reminding me that I'm failing my end of the agreement. Yeah, asshole, and you upheld yours by beating on my kids. Honestly, I feel like punching him in the face.

Anyhow, so back to the story, I now have to wait. I have to wait for the CAS to finish their investigation. The case worker is nice, but to be honest, I'm disappointed that they can't do more. I mean she basically told me that they don't have much authority. Are you KIDDING me? I mean, you're the frickin CAS. I thought you had like the highest rights of all. What the heck good is a Child Protection Agency if they can't protect the child? I was basically told that:

• Yes we believe that the children have been abused and are scared of their father, but we don't have the authority to stop his access
• The CAS doesn't have the authority to enforce supervised visitation
• They don't have the authority to force therapy

Are you KIDDING ME? Honest to God, I'm getting really pissed off with the system right now. If I end up one of those statistics- those women who end up being victims of those murder suicides, please send the press a link to this blog. (OK, I'm being a drama queen, but you get my point). This is nuts.

She did say that since my doctor said that the children need therapy, she can try to convince my ex to agree to therapy, by saying it is medically required. If he refuses, then I can go to the court and show that he is not fit to be a custodian for the children. Nice, but still- at this rate, it will take forever to help the children heal, and aren't the children (and their well being) the main goal for the CAS? This is so weird.

I'm totally afraid that I'm going to be one of those cases that can't be helped. It will be one of those things that gets off on a loophole. This sucks.

But here's something for you. I'm thinking of NOT sending the kids to their dad this weekend. I've had this recommendation from 2 duty counsel people, 2 CAS workers, and my MD. Basically, yes, I may be seen as breaking the court order, but then again, I have reasonable grounds to believe their safety is at risk if I send them. Since I fear for them, I can possibly keep them and defend myself on those grounds should he decide to take me to court.

Here's a question for you- why can't the CAS just tell him they won't let me send the kids to him? Why do I have to break the law?

I am going to my lawyer tomorrow and I will ask her what I should do as next steps. And then I'm going to my therapist at 12:30 (yes I need an outlet), and then - well, work for the first time this week. I've been picking up emails, but this is getting ridiculous. So, I'm hoping to attend two meetings downtown tomorrow.

Anyhow, that's it for now. Let's pray tomorrow is a better day.

Emergency Request Declined

It was declined. No emergency custody, no restraining order. The system fails me again. Like I said before, this man will have to kill me and the kids before anyone takes notice or helps. Beating up on them isn't enough, causing an emotional breakdown isn't enough to warrant emergency custody. That makes sense- let's send the children to spend the weekend with someone they have admitted abuses them. Let's do that instead of letting them stay in the comfort of their home with a mother who does not have a history of abuse or violence. And hey- when she says she's scared for her safety because she's been punched in the face before, let's just tell her it doesn't matter. She'll be just fine.

I'm hoping there is still a chance somewhere. The girl from the courthouse said that sometimes if you re-do the file and word things differently, or add some points that you forgot, it can get approved. Apparently, emergency custody has very specific criteria and isn't granted to everyone. I thought my case was strong enough. All I can do now is try again tomorrow.

So, tomorrow will be another full day in court, with a CAS visit at 3pm. They will be coming at 3pm to speak to the children. Let's see how it goes.

I can live without the restraining order. I cannot manage if I have to send my children to that monster on the weekend. I have no idea what state of mind they will come back in, and I am very concerned for their safety and well being.

In the interim, I've decided to remove yesterday's blog posting. I think it's just wiser, and I'll repost it later. I think I'll just post them all at once when things unfold and are in a "safer zone". In the meantime, I'll blog and safe the drafts until I'm ready to post.

How am I feeling at the moment? Very tense, very disappointed in the system, and scared for the children's safety. I'm really hoping the CAS pulls through. They are my last hope.

Then again, once he finds out that I was the one who called the CAS, he will be enraged, and there is no restraining order to protect me.

When it Rains, it Pours

I am absolutely exhausted. This was a totally draining day. Now that I've already started the process, I can document what has happened.

On Saturday night, my son had an emotional breakdown. The next day, when he woke up, my son and my daughter basically started to open up about their father's temperament. They revealed that they have been abused in the past, and that he scares them today and that they are still very much afraid of him. They described specific instances of abuse; the yelling, the threats, the various different forms of punishment, but I could tell that they were still holding back and not fully comfortable talking to me.

I didn't want to push them, and besides all that, I had heard enough to know what I needed to do. I had promised myself that my children would never have to suffer the way I suffered, and at the moment, I feel horrible that I haven't been able to do enough to protect them. But then again, I didn't have much of a choice. My ex did, after all, have joint custody, and I was told time and time again that the authorities couldn't do anything to intervene until he did something out of line.

Well, here you have it. Is this out of line enough for everyone? This was my biggest fear and now I'm having to live it.

This morning, I dropped my children off at school, told my daughter's school about what had transpired over the weekend, and that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES was their father to pick her up from school. As I left, my daughter started crying and clinging to my leg, something that she never does, and I'm told that she later told the teachers that she was afraid her father would come to pick her up before I got there. The teachers reassured her that even if her father did show up, they would not let him take her home.

Isn't that shocking? Months go by without a word about their father, no mention of what he was doing, and now when they start talking, it all comes out at once. When it rains, it pours.

When I got to the parking lot of my daughter's school, I made the call. This was the call that I had nightmares about, the call that I feared that I would one day have to make. But really, what other choice did I have?

I called the Children's Aid Society, and spoke to a case worker, and gave a full report on my weekend, on what the children had told me, about my fears, about the history, basically everything. Their answer- they would most definitely be launching an investigation, and that I should expect to hear from a case worker in about 7 days. Yeah, you got it - 7 DAYS! That is a long time to wait, but she did explain that it was taking that long because there are many cases in the queue, and because the children reside with me, they weren't in any immediate harm. They did advise that they would want to speak to the children's schools and doctor, and I told them that they had my full approval to do so. One good thing- they did say that if any of my story checked out in their investigation, they would be court ordering therapy for the kids. Good. That's just what I wanted. I knew something was wrong before. I just couldn't prove it.

Anyhow, after that, I went to the courthouse to file an ex-party motion for emergency custody and a restraining order, and a new date to re-open the custody and access arrangements. I have to stay in Mississauga tomorrow to find out if it gets granted. If it does, I have to go back, pick up the court orders and hand them out at the schools, and talk to the schools about what has happened. If it gets granted, I will have about a month or two of sole custody and he will not have visitation or access to the children during that time. In addition, the restraining order will protect me, should he start harassing or stalking me again.

On the other hand, if it doesn't get granted, then I would seriously fear for my safety, especially once he finds out that I contacted the CAS. He will be totally enraged, and I know he will come looking for me. Let's hope this doesn't happen, and that the restraining order is granted.

Next, at 6pm today, I took my son to the doctors so that someone could at least check on his emotional well being. The doctor was very concerned about him, and told me he was afraid that this would one day happen. He knew my ex, and he knew how unstable he was. My doctor spoke to my son, asked a few questions, and my son started spilling the whole story, the abuse, the temper etc.

Like I said....when it rains it pours. Everything is coming out at once. I'm going to need serious therapy after this myself!

By 7pm, we were all tired, so I took the kids out for burgers at a local restaurant, brought them home for their bedtime routine, and tucked them in. OK- I tucked them into my bed. Hell if they are sleeping far from me tonight. I don't think they want to sleep alone, and truthfully, I want to keep them close by.

Children are so innocent. They don't deserve any of this. I just hope I have the strength to help them get through this. I married the wrong guy, and now they are paying the price. My goal for the next two weeks- focus on the children's mental well being, and make sure that I help them get over this hurdle.

As for tomorrow, well, I have to check on the court order, call my doctor again for some follow up stuff, call the CAS for an update, and speak to my son's school. All in a days work. To top it off, my daughter is going through massive separation anxiety and is refusing to go to school. I think I'll keep her home, just to help her calm down. It will be another day not in the office. I'll try to work from home, but honestly, I'm thinking maybe I should just consider taking a few weeks off at this point.

I'll make that decison tomorrow.

A Horrific Experience

Just when you think things can't get worse....just when you think you **might** be able to manage through everything, life throws you an unexpected curve ball.

I've never seen anything as scary as what I experienced this weekend. Hands down. Never. I created a word doc so I that I never forget what I saw. It isn't every day you witness your own child having a total complete emotional breakdown. For 4 hours. Uncontrollably, and almost to the point of seizures.

There are days when you look at things and wonder what the heck you're doing, where you wonder if your decisions were worth it in the end. This is one of those days.

Needless to say, tomorrow will be one hell of a whirlwind for me. It will consist of me, running around, trying to get my ducks in a row to make sure that my children are emotionally and physically safe moving forward, and making sure that my ass of an ex is accountable once and for all for his actions. I won't be able to go to the office tomorrow, and I'm not sure when I'll be in again next. It all depends on what I'm told tomorrow.

The stories I heard from my son this morning (the morning after his breakdown) were scary for me. They were things I've experienced. I know the fear well. I lived it for many years. But there was always one golden rule. Never the children. Don't touch the children, don't scare the children, don't hurt the children. I left my ex to uphold that rule. I'll be damned if he walks all over it.

The justice system has failed us thus far. Let's hope it has some teeth this time.

Blogger is Seriously Messed up

It keeps adding line breaks and font changes to the stuff I'm posting. Someone needs to show me how to switch to wordpress. That leaves my friend S, or Dan :)

End of Rant.

Sold to the McFlurry Guy

Today is Friday, which means I get to work from home. I had alot of conference calls, a very busy day. By early afternoon, I realized that I hadn't eaten a bite. I had the idea of picking up my daughter early and taking her out to lunch, and then taking her back to daycare. (Oh come on, it's just daycare, and at the end of the day, she missed lunch and nap time-big deal!).

We had a nice time, and she was thrilled at the idea of getting a special lunch with Mommy. I had a really nice time too, it was great to spend some quality one on one time with her. We went to a Hakka Chinese restaurant. We giggled away as we ate lunch. There was a little water fountain with plastic frogs just next to us. My daughter asked that if I kissed the frog would it turn into a prince. I asked her to give it a try. She laughed and said what if it turns into a nasty prince, a yucky one that nobody would want? I said "Well, you can kiss him a second time and turn him back into a frog". She responded with "Eeeew! Who would kiss a nasty prince? If he's nasty, you kiss him!"

Ha! My daughter a master planner at the age of 5! I love it!

After lunch we went through the McDonald's drive thru for a McFlurry. The guy at window #1 was in an especially jokey mood today, and as we drove away, my daughter said "Mommy, he's nice, and he sells ice cream. Why don't you marry him?"

Um- because he's the McDonald's McFlurry guy. Nice...my daughter just traded me for a McFlurry. I wonder why she is so keen on marrying me off? I feel like it's reverse arranged marriage here. My daughter is finding suitors for her mom. Something is seriously messed up.

Anyhow, I spent the afternoon plugging away at work. Why is it that email never goes away? No matter how many you answer, the inbox always stays full. Anyhow, at 5pm, I got one from my ex's lawyer. What an ass. It's a one liner. Here's what it said:


We are writing to inform you that your ex husband is in the process of engaging the services of a mediator to mediate the issue of therapy and counseling for the children.

OK- So what the heck? I mean, seriously...it took you two weeks to tell me that you're going to START looking for a mediator? When will you have one? In two months? We'll be back at the beginning of the list by then. Ass.

Anyhow, I basically replied telling him that it was not acceptable to waste two weeks and then tell me this. And that I would need an exact date by which this mediator will contact me. Let's see what he says.

My ex is the biggest jerk from hell. He could give the devil himself a run for his money.

My Mom is the Sad One...

What a day. I feel like I haven't slept in an eternity. I had meetings downtown at another office today. Everything has been building up emotionally again. This happens to me from time to time. Obviously, I haven't got my own coping mechanisms right, and I continue to work on those. THANK GOD that I ran into a good friend in one of my morning HR sessions today. We went for a coffee and I got a chance to vent (OK and cry). I cannot believe how much is building up. I feel like this emotional time bomb ready to explode....again.

Then, on my way to my 2:00pm meeting, I was checking my blackberry, and saw a note from my son's teacher. The note lead me to cancel my meeting, and all other meetings for the afternoon. I got to my car and drove like a maniac, making it to the school by 3pm, just in time to meet my son's teacher.

The note basically said that he wasn't sure what was happening to my son, but that there is a definite change in behaviour. That he doesn't want to work, that he is constantly making excuses, and that he basically looks as if he's given up. Given up on work, given up on trying, given up on himself. The teacher wanted to make me aware of the situation, and ask if anything has changed in such a way that my son's behaviour would be impacted.

When I got to the school, I met with the teacher. I told him about my ex's wedding. He said that my son never mentioned it. This is odd, because he usually tells everyone everything. Anyhow, he said that he will continue to encourage him, and that he would like me to do the same. "Your son is going through way too much for a seven year old. We really need to help him through". I know honey. Trust me, I know.

I told him that I had tried to put my son in therapy, but that my ex had refused to consent. He understood my predicament, but agreed that therapy was the best option for him. I told him that I already spoke to the school principal and have arranged for the school social worker to give me a call. (I'm really hoping to find a loophole somewhere such that I can get some sort of therapy without Mr. Jerko's consent)...anyhow, let's see how that goes.

He said he would continue to work with me, so that's the good news. I mentioned to him that my ex is bipolar and asked if I had told him this before. He said that no, I hadn't told him, but that he did hear about it (probably from the principal or last year's teacher I'm guessing). Anyhow, every now and then, when my son gets really frustrated, he talks/confides in one of his teachers from last year. Apparently, when the teacher asked him what his family was like, he said "My dad is the angry one. My mom is the sad one". Sad one indeed. I started crying when he told me that. Right there, in front of the teacher. I am so embarrassed.

Anyhow, I never really thought of myself as the sad one. Frustrated yes, fed up yes, emotional yes. Odd that he perceives me as sad. I would agree that I'm sad at times, but ... well, it would certainly explain why he is so very protective of me. But no child should have to take a parental role for their parents. Ever.

This is such a mess. And it is all my ex's fault. Damn him for refusing to allow the therapy sessions. He doesn't even care for his own children's well being. What a selfish, manipulative, cruel asshole.

No to Therapy

I finally got the children a chance to see a child therapist. I thought it would help them deal with everything. They are, after all, dealing with the divorce, their dad's new marriage, and the fact that their father is a psycho jerk. Here is the good news. The waiting list is months for the therapy, and they could have been seen in 2 weeks. Here is the bad news. I need my ex's consent to take them to therapy (since we have joint custody), and he has refused to allow me to take them to a therapist. He's such a jerk. So now what the hell do I do?

I feel like my hands are tied. I work like a dog all day at a job that, well, let's not go there, and I come home to feed, clothe, and put them to bed, pack lunches, dress them in the morning, and at the end of it all, I don't even have the God dammed authority to take them to a therapist. I'm not a mother. I'm a nanny. I'm hating this. I'm so infuriated I can't even concentrate. What THE HELL kind of situation is this?

So - to summarize, I get to work my ass off, he gets to have fun time, and I can't make any parental decisions because the man who refuses medication and therapy for himself refuses it for the children? Yeah, this is real justice people. This system doesn't take care of the children. It takes care of their father. It gives him rights beyond what he should be entitled to. It gives him a ticket to terrorize and stalk me as long as he doesn't go as far as to kill me. It allows him to show up on my property, peek through my windows, refuse to bring the children home on a Sunday, refuse therapy for the children, refuse to do their homework with them, to bathe them, to do any parental duties, yet he can call himself a father, and I- the one who works her ass off, I cannot even help my children when I see what I consider something to be a justifiable need for their mental well being.

Why do I even bother? I SO want to give up. I have been stressing and crying on this one for 3 days now. I hate this. I cannot do this anymore. It's been 3 years of hell, and I've had enough.

This joint custody arrangement is not working out, and I don't seem to see any way out. He should be in a mental institution. That would be justice.

The system here in Canada totally sucks.

Taking it Easy

I'm home on my own today. The children are with their father this weekend, which gives me a weekend to myself. Usually these are the weekends where I visit NY, but my friend is away on an extended business trip, which means I'm on my own. Not that I mind. I haven't had this kind of downtime in a very very long time.

It's funny how our bodies have the ability to respond to our environment and personal circumstances. I have a gi-normous "To do" list. I have a ton of errands to get through. But today, the one day I have to myself, I wake up dizzy, tired and lethargic. I feel like I want to sleep the whole day. It's like my body is re-claiming what it feels it is rightfully owed. Like it wants to cash in on all the sleep and rest that it's been losing all those weeks and months that I've been pushing it far beyond its capacity.

I had plans with friends, and errands, and none of them will be a "go". I was half grateful when my friend (who is also a single mom) called to cancel our dinner plans for tonight. All I could think of when she called me is 'that's OK, now I can curl up in bed and do nothing'. Isn't it odd how things turn out?

I'm going to take it easy today. Today will be my marathon movie-and-book-reading day. It actually sounds like a treat, and is VERY out of character for me. That's probably half the problem, now isn't it?

I'm going to change back into my pajamas, and watch the movie. Pajamas are a MUST for a day like this.

The Things we Take for Granted

My cleaning lady was over tonight. She came at 6:30, she's spending 4 hours, and then she's done. It's a small house, so it doesn't take long I guess. Well, not long for her. If it were me cleaning, I'd be at it all day.

Anyhow, we often take so much for granted. I guess the children were both in a particularly defiant mood tonight. I had to call them a hundred times to get them to do anything. I called them about 7 times before they came down for dinner, and then I had to nag them to eat, nag them to change, basically I had to be on them all night to get them to stick to any semblance of a schedule. Had it not been for my constant nagging, homework would never have been completed tonight. It tired me out, and was quite frustrating too. These are the nights where you turn to God and say "Come on! Isn't life already tough enough? Cut me some slack here! Just make it easy for me for one day. Just ONE day!"

Anyhow, I just came downstairs, the children are now asleep- they have been for a bit (it's 10 pm), and I'm here in the family room, on my laptop while she finishes off the final touches on the kitchen. She just turned to me and said "You're very blessed. Your children are very smart".

"Pardon me?"

"They're very smart. As in intelligent. I was talking to them while I was upstairs cleaning. It's refreshing to talk to healthy, intelligent children. I work as an aid to disabled and autistic children all day. It gets tiring sometimes, and sometimes depressing. It was nice talking to your children. They're very pleasant, and very intelligent".

"Oh. I see. Right....Well, thank you".

I swear to God- I'll never complain about them again. I feel so guilty for even asking Him to make life easier.

Sometimes all you need is a little reminder of how easy things really are, or of how much worse they could have been. Imagine being a single mom to an autistic child, or a disabled child. That would be a hundred times more draining and complicated. I really am blessed.

I feel like such an ingrate.

Happy Valentine's/Snow Day!

Happy Valentine's Day! OK- and Happy Snow Day! It's a rare day when Peel District Public schools are closed. They are usually open no matter what. Luckily, a colleague at the office reminded me to take all my work home just in case we got snowed in today. He lives in Burlington, so he knew he would be snowed in, but he knew that it might end up being equally difficult for me. He was right.

It's kind of neat...I got a Valentine's delivery of flowers. Two dozen long stemmed pink roses. One dozen in an arrangement, and one dozen boxed. Pink is my favourite colour. My house is now filled with flowers. I got roses from two friends on my birthday, tulips from another friend, the floral cake arrangement on my birthday, and now two dozen roses. I love flowers.

I spent the morning making a huge breakfast with the children. It was like Sunday brunch. I'm working from home today, and I'm getting some work done, but to be honest, it's tougher to get work done with two kids at home. One kid is manageable. Two kids means alot of refereeing. They're reading books right now, and I'm working on stuff, and then later on I'll let them watch some TV, and do homework.

My kids are disappointed to miss Valentine's Day. They wanted to give out their cards. I must have the only kids on the planet who actually wanted to go to school today. When I reassured them that they would probably celebrate it tomorrow, then they were satisfied to be at home. :)

Now...back to work.

OH PULL-EASE

Have I mentioned that I cannot stand my ex? Pure drama. He's a nutcase.

He called tonight to speak to the children. After speaking to our son, he asked to speak to me. We started off talking about how all this hostility is not good for the children. How it's emotionally hard for them to have to witness their parents infighting like this. So we agreed. Then I realized that his wife was on the phone. On the other extention. Listening to our conversation. Nice.

Then he went on to say that he overheard that one of my friends told one of his wife's friends that I left him because he was abusive. I was silent. I know she's on the phone, so now what? Do I tell him 'that's cuz you were', or do I stay silent? And then I decided...no more silence. After all, it's not like I'm supposed to know that she's sitting there listening in. So I said it. I told him that I have advised my friends not to bad mouth him, but that a few did know the truth, and what did he expect? After all, he was abusive, and that was one of the main reasons why I left the marriage. His reply "well, that's your slant on things".

WHAAAAAAT? No way. This is too much. You bring it up and then expect me to accept that it never happened? I don't think so. I didn't go through a year of therapy for nothing.

Then I let him have it. Hell ya you were abusive, and I have hospital records and doctors files to show it. And yeah, remember all those black eyes? Well I didn't imagine them. Remember your handwritten apology letter where you admitted the abuse? Yeah, I still have it. Hell ya. And don't tell me I'm making it up. Go to hell. You started this conversation, trying to act like it never happened. As if I would ever tolerate that.

Then I heard a slam. Either the phone slamming, or a door slamming. Oh look who's not impressed. Must be your wifie. I guess someone is sleeping on the couch tonight.

Serves you right. Dumbass.

35 Things to be Grateful for

In honour of my 35th, I thought I'd list the 35 things that I'm most grateful for. They are:

1. My health.
   
2. My children's health.
   
3. My children.
4. The fact that my children still find comfort in a hug from their mom (a hug can still make everything better for them).
5. My home- I LOVE this place!
   
6. A job that allows me to pay my bills (even if it's not always what I want it to be).
7. A job that allows me to have a flexible schedule, so I can be a single parent, guilt free, including when my children are sick.
   
8. Awesome family that is supportive of all my decisions, even if they should feel I'm making a mistake.
   
9. Amazing friends, the best anyone could wish for in the whole world.
10. The fact that the colleagues around me at work are so close to me that I can trust them with my best side, my worst side, my errors, without ever feeling threatened for even one second.
    
11. An awesome certain someone who doesn't like to see me down.
12. An education.
13. Clothing for my children and I.
    
14. The opportunity to have experienced a loving relationship once in my life (even if it never goes anywhere, it was worth it!)
    
15. Being told by many people that I'm worth more than I think.
16. Having children who tell me how special I am, and don't take me for granted.
    
17. Having had the opportunity to experience childbirth and motherhood (yes, I'm serious).
18. An alarm system that helps me sleep peacefully at night.
19. That when my aunt died I was able to look at her life as an abused woman and learn from it. And here I am. I have her to thank, as her death and the tragedy around it changed my life forever, in more ways than anyone will ever know.
20. Long walks in Central Park...
21. Long walks along the lake shore...
22. My memories, both the good and the bad. The good keep me smiling. The bad remind me never to go back.
23. The ability to feel attractive, despite my many imperfections. This is new for me, but I'm glad it's happening.
    
24. That I made it through a neurological attack 3 years ago, and haven't had a relapse of any kind (Thank you God!)
    
25. That I made it through a divorce without losing myself. I'm not cruel, evil, bitter, or full of hate. Frustrated yes, but I haven't lost my integrity.
26. That I can still get a compliment from a complete stranger out of the blue without fishing for one ;)
    
27. Sushi (Yum. It's my drug!)
28. My burberry handbag. It has sentimental value and it's cute :)
29. Really colourful sunsets (I actually stop to watch them when I see them....these are rare, so when they happen, they are a gift)
30. Long distance telephone calls :)
    
31. A day at the spa.
32. A good massage.
33. Strappy high heel sandals.
34. My diary- on my worst days, I still have to write there...
35. This blog- believe it or not, it's been therapeutic.
    

Mid Thirties

Well...today (Feb 9th) puts me at 35. And you know what? I think I'm doing OK. At 35, I've finally (almost) cleaned up the mess of a marriage, I've got my own home, a job that pays the bills (well, that needs a bit of change, but everything happens as it should), two beautiful children, lots of awesome friends, great parents, and a really special someone as well. I can't complain. I've been reminded of that over and over again for the past few days, so it's starting to get ingrained...thank God.

My day was hectic today. Lots of office work etc. By 4pm, I realized that I didn't even have breakfast, so I had to grab a quick bite. At 4:30 the doorbell rang, and lo and behold, a package from a friend in NY :) Well, OK flowers. Well, to be specific, a birthday cake made out of flowers, a cute teddy bear, balloons, and some chocolates. That is a nice way to make someone feel special when you can't be there in person :)

Anyhow, this evening, a bunch of friends went out for dinner. We had a nice time. There was about 18 of us. It was nice to get out, to laugh, to spend time with everyone. I miss them all so much. Life is so busy that we never get a chance to get together. I'm glad they made the time to celebrate my birthday with me tonight.

I got an email from my ex denying his wife's pregnancy. (Big surprise there). We'll just have to wait and see what happens in about 7 months. He basically said that he made a mistake marrying the wrong girl with me, and he wouldn't be stupid to marry for the wrong reasons again. Yeah, thanks buddy. More like the other way around. I have the emails to prove it.

Anyhow, enough about him. My house looks lovely. There are flowers everywhere. I have bunches of flowers that were birthday gifts from friends this evening, and the flower cake as well. I love flowers. They make me happy :)

Well, like I said. Mid thirties. I'm feeling totally OK with that. In fact, I'm better off now than I ever was in my life. Things to be grateful for I suppose.

Remember, 2007 will be YOUR YEAR

That's right. I did say that. And, I still believe it. Something inside me knows that this will be a good year for me. Even if it's started off badly. Badly because well, work is not all that enjoyable, I'm not that happy around the kids and their response to things, (actually, I'm feeling a bit threatened), and the guy that I've been seeing for 8 months lives so far away that we barely get to see each other. It's all too weird. But I know it will get better.

I turn 35 tomorrow. I'm told that according to some astrologers, life and luck renews itself or changes every 7 years. 35 will mark a new 7 year cycle. Since the last 7 were definitely not great, I'm hoping the next 7 will be good. Let's wait and see.

I've noticed lately that my son has been getting angry alot. He gets frustrated and can't find the words to deal with things. This is not the little boy I knew. Mich and Rich have been pointing it out. A few weekends ago, when my office friend came over to stay, she noticed the change in him as well. I've been seeing it too. Then there is school. His teacher says he doesn't seem motivated, that he has moments where he's just so emotional that it's hard to bring him back, but that he's definitely trying. Then today, Mich went to pick up my son from Tae-Kwan-Do, and the instructor advised her that he wanted to speak to me. My mom has been going every day to pick him up, because of my long nights at the office, and today I sent Mich to do it. Apparently, he's becoming very disruptive and emotional and disrespectful to the point that the instructor isn't sure what to do.

I feel so disappointed. I mean, I don't know what to do. My son acts like he's OK, but if you step back, this is ALOT of change for a little 7 year old boy. It must be taking a toll on him. I'm not surprised. I mean, I'm sure it's taking a toll on ME, and I'm an adult.

I think I need to start considering therapy for him. I want to make sure that he's doing OK. This is NOT what I wanted. I didn't file for divorce to screw up my kids. I just....wanted things to be better.

Either way, I'm going to try to be responsible, and ensure that I do everything I can to help things stabilize for my family. I want to make sure that my children are OK. They are, after all, my responsibility, and pretty much all I have left.

Pregnant

And then there were three...

I got an email today from a girlfriend who wanted to pass on a little tidbit of information...apparently, my ex's wife is pregnant. So, let's see, the wedding was Saturday, and today is Wednesday, so she must have conceived and found out that she was pregnant in like, 4 days. That MUST be a world record. Having been pregnant twice before, I can honestly say that it takes several weeks before you can know that you're pregnant.

So hmmm. They met in December, and three weeks ago (mid January) they announced their engagement. They got married two weeks after the announcement. He moved in with her in January. So she must have gotten pregnant like right after their first date or something. What morons. Have you NEVER heard of condoms? If you're going to do this, could you not have made a trip to the drugstore first? And if you went through the effort of getting married, well, couldn't you have at least kept your mouth shut so that people might think that it happened on your wedding night? (These are after all Pakistani Muslims, the backlash of our community is HUGE for this type of thing).

Morons.

Anyhow, I took the liberty of congratulating my ex. I sent him a text message that read "Congrats. I hear that you and Fatima are expecting your first child".

He didn't reply. I wonder why?

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I love being mean. Serves him right. I KNEW there had to be a good reason for the rushed wedding.

Directionless

I got home at 9pm again today. Left the office just after 7:30pm. I'm really starting to hate this. I'm feeling overworked, undervalued, underpaid, and basically directionless at the moment. Re-orgs suck. Big time.

It's funny. I was talking to my dad yesterday and I told him about how crappy and weird things have become at the office. He was in shock. "Weren't you the one who was saying in September that you LOVE your job?"

Well, yeah. But that was September. That was almost 5 months ago. Since then, my awesome boss left, my awesome friend and colleague died, we re-organized, I now feel demoted (optically), and things are pretty much directionless. I guess alot can happen in a few short months.

Strange how quickly things can change. Let's just hope they can shift into better form sooner rather than later. I am still hopeful, still thinking that this will be my year of change. I'm hoping for a great year. Still optimistic, just...well, more tired than normal.

Rubbing it In

I've been saying from the beginning that I was happy for my ex getting married. I'll be the first to admit that this sentiment is partly a selfish one. His marriage means my freedom. But here is what I'm NOT happy about- the fact that he's doing everything he can to rub it in. It's just his true jerkiness shining through. See, it doesn't bother me that he's married, but it does bother me that he's trying to rub it in and/or irritate me. Like he wants me to be miserable or something. I have a hard time when I see others who want me to be unhappy. That just makes me mad. And besides, I just learned that he met this girl in December. That is less than 8 weeks ago. He married someone that he's only known for 8 weeks. What a freak. God only knows what she's really like, or what he's exposing my kids to. What a stupid, stupid man.

So he's been talking about silver lining. Well guess what- that's my phrase, and it has been for most of my life. He's talking about how he's found his silver lining. That's fine too. But here is what I cannot handle- he has been brainwashing the kids into saying/believing/behaving as if this chick is somehow equal to me. I guess I shouldn't have expected any less, but it does seriously disturb me to see how quickly my children are willing to sell me out for someone who is pretty much a complete stranger to them.

This morning, while we were driving into school, I told my son that my birthday was coming up. He responds with:
"Awww...If I knew that, I wouldn't have given the present to Fatima".
"The present? What present?"
"The wooden heart with sparkles on it that I made in art class"
"You gave it to her?"
"Yes, cuz she's my step mom, so she is just as important as you, and she's the same as you".

WTF? Are you KIDDING ME? So the bipolar man meets and marries desperato chick and now she somehow matches me in value? I don't think so. And what the hell? My kid is a sell out. It took every ounce of energy in me to suck back the tears this morning. For once in my life, I was completely quiet. So stunned that I couldn't even speak. All I could think was 'Yeah, OK kid- remember the time when I carried you for 9 bloody months in my stomach and developed a permanent back problem? Or how about the 48 hour labour? Or maybe the 3 hours of pushing to get you out? Or hey, how about the 4 straight months of colic where I survived on maybe 3 hours of sleep a night? Or, how about all the days I took off from work when you were sick, or the fact that I breastfed you for 13 months?' What a sell out.

Anyhow, I got over my disappointment, my anger, my pain. I had a long, dreary day at the office. Re-orgs suck. So does being overworked, and feeling undervalued. I left the office at 8pm. I got home at 9pm. I went to pick up the kids from my mother's house. I was dressing them to walk them out and my daughter oh-so-innocently turns to me and says "I want to be just like Fatima when I grow up".

OH REALLY? Well, what the hell? Is your mother not good enough or something? I took one look at her, and stepped out of the room. And then I cried. And cried, and cried. Honestly, I didn't see this stuff coming. The stupid ex husband I'm glad to be rid of. The children being so quick to put someone above me, I wasn't ready for. I thought they would be loyal to me for life. This is just too much. And then people ask why I am losing my faith. Well, just look at things. Is this justice?

I know I must sound like a 5 year old right now, but I am totally ticked. I would like to see this woman keep the kids and work as hard as I have. Because you know she wouldn't. Remember the time when I was a single mom day in and day out, working like a dog? Yeah, that would be now. Remember when I was appreciated for all that I do? Right, that would be never.

His Nikkah, my Freedom

Well, I suppose that's the end of an era. Finally. It took long enough. Yesterday, my ex had his Nikkah Ceremony at a local mosque. For my non-Muslim friends, that basically means that he's done his religious vows (actually, his civil vows too, considering the paperwork would have to be done at the same time as the Nikkah), so he's officially a married man. Thank God for that.

He's still planning on having a big Walima reception in March. I guess a few weeks' notice wasn't enough time to book a banquet hall or something. They are going the Indian route (or at least pretending to) which basically means that the community doesn't consider you married until you have the Ruksati, or basically the wedding party. Either way, he's married now, and he did "officially" go home with her on Saturday night, according to my children. I guess he made arrangements for my children to stay at his mother's place that night. Slumber party for the kids while their dad has a slumber party of his own :)

I actually spoke to my former sister in law on Friday morning. She called me to see how I was doing, and she asked how I felt about the wedding. I told her I was perfectly fine. I'm starting to get the feeling that people are pitying me. Please don't. Save your pity for someone else, it's really being wasted on me. Honest. But anyhow, she was a sweetheart for calling me and checking in. Apparently, according to my former sis in law, my ex just met this girl in January. I am having a really hard time understanding how he can make such a major decision that fast. I mean, that is like only weeks. Some of us play it cautious, and others, well...they do what he did.

Anyhow, my friend from New York came down this weekend, so we kept busy. He deliberately asked that we go to an Indian movie on Saturday night. I think this was his way of keeping my mind occupied during the time of my ex's vows. I think the entire world seems to think that I will be having a hard time dealing with this. Relax guys, I'm totally happy about it. Honest. My freedom is all I can think of right now.

So, the Indian movie, Salaam E Ishq, was a very long movie, and very slow to start. I'm talking like 4 hours long. To be honest, I haven't been to many Indian movies, and I was about ready to leave after the first hour. It did get better in the second half of the movie. I did feel a bit weird because I think every Indo-Pak in Mississauga desi-town must have been piled into that theatre to see the movie. Wow, all the people I like to avoid crammed into one room. Nice.

Today after I picked the children up from the babysitter, I took my son for his belt grading for Tae Kwan Do. He passed and reached his advance yellow. He was very excited. I am still amazed at how cool it is that he gets to do this after school instead of going to a babysitter and watching TV. He gets the activity, and a skill. Who knows? By the time he's done grade school, he might get up there in the belt colours. Imagine if he reaches a black belt at a really young age. Now THAT would be cool. I love the sport because it teaches him focus, discipline, and respect. And yeah, it sure beats the heck out of watching TV after school.

Music can Sometimes Take you Back

This morning I heard a song on the radio. Odd that I heard it. It's one of those random songs that you don't hear very often. I can't even remember what the song is called, or who sings it. I just know it, because it was the song that was playing in the restaurant in St Martin, on the first night of our honeymoon.

Music, scents, sounds, they can somehow take you right back to the same place, same time, same feeling, without you even realizing that it happened.

I woke up to this song playing on the radio today. When it first started, it took me right back. I could hear the ocean, I could smell the salty beach water, I could hear the people laughing and dancing around us. I could even see the girl in the skimpy red dress dancing with her significant other. And then I saw him. My ex. Holding my hand, telling me how much he loved me. Telling me how happy he was that we were finally married. Telling me how he would never ever let me cry again. How I was the most incredible woman in the world, and how lucky he was to be with me. How he wanted us to be together forever.

At that point, I realized that I was smiling, here in my bed, as I listened to that song. And then the smile faded. That was, after all, the first night of our honeymoon. Little did I know that just 48 hours later, on night 3 of our honeymoon, we would have an argument, and I would end up with what would be the first of many hundreds of black eyes. That first night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life, definitely the happiest night of that gruelling long marriage that doesn't even end after the paperwork is said and done.

Then I became aware of where I was. In my room. In the morning. Trying to wake up. Trying to get the kids off to school so I could make it in to the office in time. Trying to get my life back from this monster of an ex husband. What a waste of my life those 11 years were. I wish on night 3 of that honeymoon I had just packed my bags, flew home to Toronto and filed for divorce. Wish, wish, wish.

How stupid I was to believe him that night. How stupid I was for staying after the black eye.

When the song ended, I realized that there were tears running down my face. I don't know what I was crying for, I mean the tears over this marriage dried long ago, but here I was, yet again, just crying. Somewhere during the song, the smile that I started off with had ended in tears. My emotions this morning were probably a very accurate summary of my marriage. It started off with smiles and happiness, but ended up a mess and in tears.

I guess it's just sad. Somehow, a relationship that I thought started off very real and true, turned very quickly into something dark, sinister, and completely out of control. It's just very sad and disappointing I suppose. But I fully intend to learn from this, and not to make those mistakes ever again. He was, after all, the biggest mistake of my life.

One fear though- how do you know if you're making a mistake? I mean, I was SO sure he was the man of my dreams, SO sure nobody would ever love me more than he did. And I was SO wrong. How does somebody like that ever learn to trust her instincts again? Even if I commit not to make the same mistake, how will I ever know when I'm making it?

And that, my friends, is a very scary thought for me. I can only hope and pray I never make the same mistakes, I never walk into the same problems, and that I somehow learn how to read, and trust my own instincts.

I hope I never hear that song again.