The kids were too scared to go to school. They were afraid that their dad would come and try to pick them up in the middle of the day, and then they would have no choice but to go with him, in order to avoid a big scene. I wanted to argue back, but to be honest, they made a lot of sense. So I kept them home.
Of course, it's not a sustainable strategy by any means. But it did serve two purposes. One- the immediate one- he wouldn't come and pick them up randomly. And two- it gave the children a chance to calm down.
My son said something that felt like deja vu. I said the exact same words when I was married to my ex. He said, "When dad is good, he's really good. But when he's bad, he's the worst ever. The problem is you don't know which dad you're going to see on which day". That pretty much sums it up.
My daughter said her dad was the type to get really pissed off one day and come and kill everyone, children, ex wife, all 3 of us. And yet the system doesn't help us.
Today has been a surprisingly calm day. He hasn't phoned for the kids, he hasn't emailed or texted me, I didn't hear from his lawyer and I didn't get a call from the police dept. No attempts were made to pick up the kids either. It's like the calm before the storm. I was telling my girlfriend, my ex is smart. He won't do anything today. It's too predictable. He's the type to come out one day out of the blue and go nuts.
Getting through the weekend....
Friday, November 25, 2011
Home with the Kids
The kids didn't want to go to school today. Can't say that I blame them. My solution, let's take a "fun day" to get our minds off things.
So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.
The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.
Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".
And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.
Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".
I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.
His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".
Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.
Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).
In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.
Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.
Sigh.
So I took the children to their therapist on Wed. Got an appt in the middle of the day, so I had to take the kids out of school (it hasn't been the best week for school, their concentration is shot). I love their therapist. She is so awesome with children it's unreal.
The solution she gave them was a tough one though. She told them that they had to learn to stand up for themselves, that this is a skill they will need throughout life. That they cannot let themselves be pushed around. She said they needed to feel empowered, and asked what their ideal solution would be. The children said they wanted some space from dad for a little while, and then they could start seeing him again when they feel safe. So she showed them how to get what they want and feel empowered by the process.
Her solution was that they should call their father and tell him how they feel. My son was very brave and strong and handled the situation very well. He said "Dad, I love you, but lately you've been really scary. You've been threatening us, and it's not OK, and we don't feel safe at your home. So we want to take some time to feel less stressed and scared and when we are ready we will see you again. We don't want you to be angry and move away from us, but if that's what you decide to do, it's your choice".
And then he hung up the phone and cried. My heart bled for him. They say whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm sure this experience will make him stronger one day, but it killed me to watch.
Dad's response when he called back: "Your mother is manipulating you, and I intend to pick you up on Friday. We will talk in person".
I thought I was going to throw up. I can only imagine how my son felt. This was not part of his preparation by the doctor.
His response was calm and bang on. "I'm sorry dad. I don't think you're listening. We don't want to spend time with you on Friday and we won't be coming. I don't want to argue with you about this".
Poor kid. Honestly, I was so stressed watching this unfold.
Now the new problem. What if he shows up with the police? So yesterday I went to the police station. Turns out that given the circumstances, he won't be able to force me to hand the children over. I am, after all, the custodial parent (thank GOD), and I do have the rights to act in the children's best interests. (Thank GOD again).
In the meantime, the therapist has called the CAS...and they will be coming out next week to speak to the children. In the grand scheme of things, this is probably a good thing, since it will help by giving the children the support and safety that they need.
Poor kids :( They slept with me in my bed the last 2 nights. My daughter cries in her sleep and my son shouts out in his sleep and wakes up in a fright. I know that feeling. I had those nightmares for years after the divorce. I had hoped my children would never go through this. Some days, it feels like no matter what I do, it can never be enough to protect them from this mess. And some days I feel like I created the mess by marrying the monster.
Sigh.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dirt Bag
My ex is a total complete waste. A total dirt bag. So here is his latest stunt. Apparently I am the moron who was idiotic enough (yet again) to believe that if I tried to be civil, things would be less toxic for my children.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.
The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.
Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.
WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.
So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.
Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
So the latest stunt, last night I got the kids after school and they were in tears. Apparently, their gem of a father told them that he intends to go back to court and that he intends to get 50/50 access to the children. In order to do this, they have to tell the courts that they don't want this much time with me. That they want more time with him.
The kicker...is the threat he outright gave them.
Either you agree to do this, or I will move to Morocco with my new wife, start a new family and I never want to see your faces again.
WTF??? Who the hell says that to a child? There is a special place in hell for a man like him.
So now, I have to figure out what to do with this crap. My daughter fears abandonment, and fears that if she doesn't comply it will be all her fault that her father will leave her.
Yeah, tell me these kids won't have issues in the future. SIGH.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
If you don't want me...
You are free to go. I won't allow myself to want you.
I love Oprah Winfrey.
Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.
So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...
I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.
That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.
Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.
The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.
I'm feeling good about the journey.
I love Oprah Winfrey.
Aside from the fact that this might sound a bit bitter, it actually isn't. Think deep down about what it really means. Many of us, especially women, we tend to chase after people (men, friends, careers) that we think we really want, but really at the end of the day, all we really want is to be loved, respected, and appreciated.
So why do we chase after something that doesn't give us these things? I think it's because we validate ourselves through the wrong things. This is one of the things that I can truly say I have consciously been trying to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it 100%. Why did I stay with an abusive man? Because somewhere deep down inside, I hoped he would get better, I wished the potential that I imagined would come through...but most of all...
I did not want to be the girl who wasn't worthy of being loved.
That girl who couldn't keep a man. That girl who was worthy only of being alone. Funny thing about fear, when you make decisions based on fear, they are never the right decisions.
Since then, men have come and gone, but the decisions around them have always been mine. They may be the right decisions, they may be the wrong decisions, but they are MY decisions.
The one I am working on now, is this one. I will not chase after that which doesn't want me back. It's a tough one, but my goal for this period. Whether it's a career, some unworthy friends, or yes, a man.
I'm feeling good about the journey.
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