"Mommy I'm so Confused"

"I don't know who is telling the truth anymore. Is that OK?"

This is what my little girl said to me when she came home from her father's place last weekend. I felt so badly for her that I just wanted to cry. Of course it's confusing for her. Here I am telling her she will always be safe and that I will make sure nobody hurts her and when she goes to her father's, he tells her that I am the enemy and that I am trying to take him away from her. It must be incredibly difficult. Her teacher is right. It's so hard to go through what she is going through.

I told her that I was sorry that she had to go through all this confusion, and I asked if there is anything I can do for her. She paused and said "Daddy never says sorry. He just says why are you confused? I told you what the truth is". I told her that I was sorry because I didn't want her to be confused. I wanted her to be happy and confident. She asked me how a person can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying.

I don't have a straight answer for that question. I mean, I myself am not the best judge of character. I fall for lies all the time, and I trust too easily. And above all else, I was fooled by him and sucked in for 11 years. How can I expect her to be better when I can't teach by example? My only answer to her was to trust her heart, and trust in God, and that she will eventually know who is telling the truth. "What does your heart tell you?"

"My heart tells me that you have never lied to me, and that daddy has. But it also tells me that you and daddy hate each other, so maybe you are both lying to me."

WOW. "Baby, I don't hate your daddy. He's your daddy. I could never hate him".

"But he hates you. He even told me that you are his enemy."

"But I still don't hate him honey"

"Even if he makes you angry?"

"Even when he makes me angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it doesn't mean we hate them. Do you get angry at your brother? But you don't hate him right?"

"Right- but if someone hates you, then you must hate them back?"

"No sweetheart. Hate is a waste of our energy and of our heart. Why would I waste all my energy on hating someone when I need it all to love you guys?"

"I love you mommy. I really do. And my heart tells me that you don't lie. But I'm still a bit confused sometimes, and I'm tired of talking right now. Is that OK?"

"It's OK to be confused, but if you need to talk, you let me know, OK?"

"Thanks mommy".

I know I didn't handle that nearly as well as I should have. I just don't think that one conversation can make a child "unconfused". I mean, her confusion comes from years of being in this situation. I want to give her an outlet to vent, but also empower her to come up with some of her own thoughts. I think she knows the truth, but the pressure is getting to her.

On any account, I will raise this with the children's therapist.

Sigh. One day at a time.

A Frustrating Return

The kids were brought home 30 mins late. I hate it when he does that because I end up sitting on pins and needles wondering if they will be brought home. My reading an Oprah mag this weekend didn't help because the issue I was reading had an interview with a mom who came home to find that her ex husband killed himself and the children. That freaked me out.

Anyhow, the lateness is the least of my concerns. Here is a rundown of what I have found out this weekend:

• Contrary to what his lawyer promised my lawyer, their visit this weekend was NOT supervised. He took them to his own home, unsupervised, all weekend
• He force fed my daughter until she threw up (jerk)
• He did not do the children's homework at all. My son has to prepare a presentation and there was some artwork that he did in class that he had to present. My ex kept the artwork and didn't send home the presentation outline. I'm stressed. How do I prepare a kid to present something I've never seen and he can't remember? What do I do- go to the school and explain how dysfunctional we are and then set the miserable example for my son that it is OK to make excuses or blame others when you can't meet your deadlines?
• He kept the children's shoes. Seriously. He kept their brand new school shoes and sent them home in old shoes so tight that they had blisters. What am I supposed to do for gym class? Apparently, he TOLD the kids that he pays me money so he should have a set of clothes at his house, and that if they needed more, I could go and buy more. So he decided to keep their shoes. JERK.
• He did the same thing with their jackets. What am I supposed to send them to school in? Children do not need 2 sets of jackets in 2 homes. Now they don't have jackets for tomorrow. What a JERK
• He took off the silver crystal earrings that I bought my daughter and kept them in his home. Took them. Off her ears. I bought those as a present for her. What a sick demented JERK

I am SO tired of this. I have no idea what to expect for Tuesday, but I'm hoping for something that will at least alleviate SOME of this insanity. I cannot go a year and a half waiting for this to go away. And you know, we ALL know what will happen if by some stroke of insanity the courts grant him unsupervised access. This will just get worse.

Dinner with Friends

I actually got to laugh tonight. Like laugh. Like my throat hurts. It's been awhile. I haven't had a chance to be immature and laugh at plain stupidity. Tonight was one of those nights.

30 people gathered in a restaurant here in the burbs to have dinner. I knew about half of them myself and by the time the evening was over, I got to know almost all of them. One person there was none other than Fatima. I know what you're thinking, but it's complicated. We started off sitting at different ends of the restaurant, each minding our own business. By the end of the night, someone got us together, got a pic of us and said "this one is for Facebook". Well if my ex, oh- sorry- OUR ex doesn't know we walk the same circles yet, he will know it now.

We went back to a friend's place for coffee afterwards. Everyone was chatting and somehow halfway through, someone randomly asked me "So, how do you know Fatima?". I froze. I looked at her. She looked stunned. Then I laughed, turned to her and said "go ahead". She told them "We share the same ex husband". Pin drop silence.

The rest of the evening was all jokes.
-OMG you guys should be on the Jerry Springer show!
-What? Two women who have one ex and don't hate each other, man you are a first for our community
-Do you share notes about his...performance?
-Man- I would hate to be him....
-You guys should co-author a book...

I feel like the town circus. But to be honest, with just 3 days left till court, it was kind of nice to be able to laugh at my own situation. I mean, you're either going to laugh or cry, and to be honest, I've done enough crying lately.

And let's face it. For Fatima to come forward and document all the things she experienced during her marriage in an affidavit to help me and the children was her going above and beyond what most people would do. And to be honest, it's more than many of my friends bothered to do. I guess in the end, I have some things to be grateful for. She could have filed her case, taken off, and never looked back. But she didn't. THANK GOD that she didn't. Her affidavit is a strong piece of evidence showing that my ex is still a risk to the kids. I needed her and I am grateful for the help.

Anyhow, I've been living in the twilight zone lately. This was just another evening, in the Twilight Zone. (Insert creepy Twilight Zone Music)....

Sometimes you Just Want to Give Up

I went to the children's school for an open house yesterday. My ex was there also. We tried to be cordial with each other, at least for the sake of the kids. I didn't even get a chance to talk to my son's teacher. I was so drawn into what my daughter's teacher was saying.

She said that in all her years of teaching, she has never seen a child with such advanced verbal skills. She went on to say that usually the kids with the strong verbal communication skills are the brightest kids in the class. In my daughter's case, her verbal skills are years ahead of everyone else, but her academics are very poor. She said that my daughter is having trouble focusing. She knew on day one that she came from a "broken home". She said that my daughter talks about it every day. It's all she talks about. I couldn't bear to hear it. Then she, the teacher started crying. She said she has never seen a child so sad. She says it consumes her. Then I started crying. Imagine a parent teacher interview where both the parent and the teacher are in tears. That was us yesterday. I told her I couldn't do more than what I was doing. She told me to make sure I give her all the attention in the world. My daughter needs it. She said that she would hate to be in my daughter's shoes, with all this sadness built up to the point of paralyzing her from being able to function in school. She said that if we don't help her soon, she will fall really behind in school.

I left in tears yesterday. Honestly, sometimes I wonder what is worse...staying with an abusive man, or letting your children pick up the pieces and feel the brunt of the divorce. I hate doing this to them, yet I'm not the one doing it. I'm doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. And that includes the resources I've had to borrow as well.

With God as my witness, my intentions are to help my children live mentally and physically safe lives. But in the process, their emotional well being is hurt.

I have no ill intentions towards my ex. I actually wish he would move on and find happiness. I was so happy when he got married. I thought it was good for me and the children, and for him. I didn't want him to abuse his second wife, and I didn't want his marriage to end.

I have NO IDEA what I can do to help my little girl. But today, I feel so lost, hurt and confused that it is unbearable.

Response to My Documents

I got his response today- He served my lawyer. Here is the coles notes version:

• He lied. All of it.
• He got a friend that I once had respect for to support him and talk about how outraged he is that I would "make up" stories about the abuse just to be allowed to move to NYC
• He accused me of driving while impaired in December, resulting in my car accident. For the record, I have NEVER had a drop of alcohol in my life
• He accused me of neglecting the children so I can go "clubbing"- come on- those of you who know me- have I EVER gone clubbing?
  
• He accused me of dating a very close friend, and stated it as fact that this friend is my current "partner"
• He said that he has never hit me, hit Fatima, or hurt the kids, that a strong independent woman like me would have left him long ago if he had ever raised a finger, and the fact that I didn't leave, and never filed police reports shows that he is the innocent victim, subject to my lies
• He got affidavits from people who say they have seen scratches on him that apparently I gave him (what a lie).

So here is what is bugging me:

• His friends are willing to document lies for him, yet mine don't even stand up to document the truth. Man some people have failed me. Big time.
• I'm feeling a little ticked- where is the justice?
• So I am putting this out to the remaining people who read this blog. For those of you who know my situation, who know what I went through, for those who helped me get community members involved, including therapists referrals, Imams, those who sat thorough my long desperate phone calls to you, for those of you who saw my bruises, for those of you who had scary conversations with my ex husband and saw and heard some scary things....if any of you are willing to come forward with an affidavit now is the time to speak up. Think long and hard people. I know many of my friends can help. And I know some have chosen not to. Others still have to offer. If you know you can help, this is your last chance...
  

Otherwise stay silent, but remember, my children's lives are in your hands. I hope you sleep well at night.

The Curse of the Indian Ice Cream

So I was at my parent's home for Iftar (Ramadan dinner) on Saturday night. After dinner, I was cutting pieces of Indian kulfi (ice cream) out of a tray and slipped. Really slipped. Like stabbed myself in the wrist just by my thumb on my left hand. I can type using one hand right now.

The wound was deep, the blood wouldn't stop gushing and I had to go to emergency for some stitches. Percocet pain killers are my best friends right now. It's deja vu, cuz I was high on the perkies after my car accident in December.

I spent all day with mom and dad today. Couldn't move my left hand, and was drugged to death from pain killers. All I can say is that I will never forget the feeling of blood gushing out of your skin. It's creepy.

I'm not sure what to do about work tomorrow. I can't think straight on the pain killers, can't survive without them, and can't type with one hand. I also feel stupid calling in "sick" over a few stitches. Sigh. I'll figure that out in the morning.

In the meantime, pass the pain killers.

Women are the Enablers of Abuse

Think I'm wrong? Guess again.

I've come to realize that often times women create problems for other women. I mean think about abusive situations...we usually think the cause is men, right? While it's true that most of the time, the men are the abusive ones, I think that women help them in other ways. Not the victims, just other women. Sometimes. Maybe I should be more specific. Take a look at some of the cultural roots.

Take a look at Indo Paks. There tends to be a lot of physical abuse. I'm not sure why. And I could be wrong, but I think it's more than in other cultures. But I've seen enough and heard about enough to know that it is just way too common, and that it is actually just often ignored.

So what if the women in this culture were to revolt? What if they were to really stand together and fight it? I mean, look at it this way- women suffer it, and then they grow up to be mothers and turn a blind eye when it happens to their daughters, or they support their sons even if they are abusive towards their wives. How is that possible? Instead of enabling it to continue, why don't they speak out against it? Why is this such a problem in this community?

I've spoken to many women and seen a lot. I have a friend who was abused by her husband. Her MOTHER upon hearing this said "Come on, a slap once in awhile happens. What did you do to make this happen?" HER MOTHER! When I went through this, there was one time, before the children were born when my ex hard hit me so hard that I had bruises on my back. I was so infuriated that I called his mother and father over, and lifted my shirt to show them the bruises on my back. My father in law said "Don't tell your father", and he gave the 20 second token yelling to my ex. His MOTHER who was abused by her own husband back in the day said "I know it's hard, but this is what happens sometimes". Oh really?

So here I am, wondering how a culture got so messed up in the first place. And why women- smart, educated women, don't do anything to stop this. I mean, yes, I fall in that category - smart, educated woman, and yes- it took me years to leave, but had those around me supported me more, I might have left sooner.

I'm not trying to "pass the blame". Just trying to understand if we as women contribute to the problem, instead of fighting against it. I can honestly tell you if a man ever touched my daughter, I would personally break his arms. And I intend to see to it that my son doesn't ever turn out to be the type of guy that would do that. If he were, I would consider myself a failure as a mother. And for the record, if he ever did (God forbid) hit a woman, I would take her side. Honest.

Midlife Crisis

I had coffee with a colleague today. I worked with him years back. When we met for coffee, he asked me what inspired all the changes. He in particular meant my giving up the hijab, but he also was asking about the divorce. I gave him the ultra short version of it, and told him basically that a lot happened in 2004. I had a physical breakdown, ditched the scarf and the man, and found my way to where I am today. OK- I gave a bit more detail than that, but after hearing what I said, he told me he thinks I went through a mid life crisis. Hmmm. I never thought of it that way, I mean 32 is a bit young for a midlife crisis, but now that you mention it, that IS kind of what happens in a mid life crisis, and given I was married at 21, perhaps he isn't far off the mark. Tee hee. I found it amusing either way.

This afternoon, I found an old friend on facebook as well. This was one of my best friends during MBA. We lost touch somehow after she moved to Montreal. I was SO excited to find her again. I actually have been asking around other MBA friends, and nobody had her contact info. Bless you facebook!

I'm finding my anxiety level higher than usual these days. I attribute it to the approaching Oct 2 court date, which is still a week and a half away. I'm trying to keep busy and keep my mind on other matters. I'm realizing that somehow over the last couple of months, I've forgotten how to enjoy "the moment". Previously, I was able to appreciate little things like a play afternoon with the children, but I'm finding myself pre-occupied all over again. I think I'm going to have to focus on relaxing...if that makes any sense.

Ever Get the Feeling

That you are sitting in the eye of the storm? I just had that feeling tonight. Every now and then I actually stop, look around and absorb the surroundings. Today, probably because of my cold, I got to do just that. I was at the children's therapist's office. She was talking about how scared the children are of their father, but of how peculiar it is because of the hold that he has on them. I was listening to every word, and all of a sudden, I felt this dark feeling come over me. It wasn't quite deja vu, but it was that hopeless feeling, like I was stuck and couldn't get out. The last time I had this feeling was when I was married, and it often happened after one of his anger outbursts. I actually tuned out the doctors voice and just started speaking...

"He's going to win again isn't he? Just like always. He's like a cat with 9 lives. He gets away with everything and always finds a loophole or a way out. He did it to me for years, and now he's silencing the children. All this stuff about their fears, they've stopped telling me. They actually don't talk to me anymore. I thought it was because I was doing such a great job protecting them. That I actually succeeded as a mother. But I haven't. He succeeded as an abuser. He managed to silence the children, even from me. And I didn't even know it".

She paused, and tried to reassure me that he won't get out this time...that too much has been spoken by the children, that Fatima's affidavit is too strong. But it didn't work for me. I looked at her and said "No. The system failed me many times. I'm going to court Oct 2, and he's going to get out of this. He's managed to silence the source. He's silenced the children. From me. Imagine that."

She tried to reassure me, but you know, I feel stupid. I think I'm walking into the storm on Oct 2, and somehow, stupidly, I allowed myself to believe the storm was ending. But it hasn't ended. I'm sitting in the eye of the storm, and I'm not holding onto anything.

Some days I just feel like giving up. I've worked so hard, and Oct 2 is just the beginning, yet I feel like I don't have the strength to continue. Sigh. What happens if he gets out of this one? I mean, this is my last shot at protecting the children. Can you imagine- what if the courts permit this? You will be looking at a lifetime of abuse for the children.

So much is riding on this court stuff. Too much in fact.

Hmph!

I have been sick since Sunday. Full on cold, congestion, the works. The children came home from their father's on Sunday. I gave them the cold too (trust me, I feel bad enough). Yesterday, I went to my MD with the children. He checked all of us and prescribed some meds. My daughter was listening to the whole conversation with our MD, including the part where he told me "You are the culprit you know. Their cold is 2 days behind yours. It was you who made them sick". I hadn't realized that my daughter was listening, but I found out later that night.

When we got home, I was getting everyone to bed. As background, my son has been sleeping in his own bed for months. My daughter, who has resorted to carrying a security blanket, refuses to sleep alone. I have tried many times to get her to sleep in her own bed, but she refuses to do so. She sleeps in my bed, pressed up against me. To the point that if I get up, her little hand instantly starts searching for my body, smacking the bed, looking for me. When she doesn't "feel" me, she wakes up. Sleep for me is always disturbed, as I will almost always wake up to the feel of a foot in my face, an arm across my neck, or something similar.

Last night, she came into my room, took her teddy bear and blankie and walked out. When I called out to her, saying it was bedtime, she came back and said "I heard what our doctor said. YOU made me sick. YOU have germs. I'm not sleeping with you.

I didn't know what to say. Part of me was offended, as if sleeping with me was her doing me a favour. The other part was very amused. "OK, well I think that's a good idea honey. Since we are all sick, maybe it's a good idea for all of us to sleep in our own beds. May I tuck you in?"

"Yes, but no kissing and spreading germs". (Holy germo-phobe!)

"OK".

I tucked her in. She said she wasn't coming back to my room no matter what, and she reminded me that after 3 nights in his own bed, I bought my son an alarm clock of his own. She reminded me that she was promised the same and advised me that she would be doing this from now on to earn her own alarm clock. I agreed.

True to her word, she slept through the night in her own room. I was shocked. I thought she wouldn't be able to do it. She advised me in the morning that she saw spooky things in her room at night, but that the "Spookies are not as bad as the germies" that I was carrying. How nice!

I am totally amazed. I've been trying to coax her for months to sleep on her own. It took my sharing germs to get her to do it.

Kids are so peculiar.

Look at her, all big and independent. My little baby is growing up.... Sniff, sniff.

Mommy- Why Did you Have Kids?

Because I wanted someone to love, someone who would love me back. Well, that's the answer I gave my little daughter tonight. I couldn't exactly explain everything to her, from biological urges, to maternal urges, to wanting a purpose in life, to, I dunno. The truth is, I don't know why I had children, or why I wanted them. I just know that I really wanted to have them. It's one of those things you just know, but you can never explain to another person.

"Would you have had children if you knew that you were going to be separated?". Wow. Tough question. I wonder why she asked that. My guess is that she wants to hear that I wanted her whether separated or not. The truth is, no. Had I known I would end up divorced, I would never have had children. I mean, the people who suffer the most after a divorce are the children. So why have them if you're going to make them suffer and then spend your whole life trying to make up for the damage that you've done? So logically, no. I would not have had them if I knew I would end up divorced. But they do exist, and I am so glad that they are a part of my life. They are my children, my life. I would take a bullet for them any day. The fact is, they ARE in the picture, and so now they matter the MOST. I wanted them then, and I want them now. And I couldn't give them up for anything, or anyone.

"Yes. Because I wanted you to be a part of my life. I wanted someone special to love forever. And someone who would love me back".

"But now we are gone some of the time, so we aren't here to love you when we are at daddy's".

"Sweetheart. You're not here when you are with him. But your love for me is still here. I know you think of me when you're there, just like I think of you. You are a part of my life, and you always will be, and I will love you for life. No matter what. Even when you're good, and even when your behavior is bad. I will love you no matter what. That will never change. A mommy always loves her babies for life. That's how God made us."

She beamed. "Thank you for being the best mommy in the whole world!"

"Thank you baby. For being the best daughter in the world."

Sigh. I wonder what goes on in that little head of hers. Poor soul. She witnesses so much, and she is so little. It's sad- the children do suffer the most.

All I can do is do my very best, with the limited resources I have. I don't have much guilt anymore. I know I'm doing the best I can. I am human. I make mistakes. But I am trying to make up for everything, the divorce, the pain, and trying to be both a mother and a father to these children. I try to wash cuts, do band aids, do homework, discipline, teach them values, and still try to have fun.

One day at a time. All I can say is that I'm proud of what I've accomplished within the circumstances I've been given. And I'm grateful for everything that I've been given along the way. I have been blessed with more than the average single mom. One in four households today is a single parent household. 90% of those live on the poverty line. By the grace of God, we may not be rich, but we aren't that bad either.

I have alot to be grateful for.

Good Angel, Bad Angel

Did you ever watch the Flintstones when you were little? Ever see the episode with the good angel on one shoulder and the bad angel/devil on the other? They are both talking to each other, and to Fred Flintstone, each trying to win their argument. We all have those voices...mine cracked me up this Ramadan. Actually, they scared me a bit, and then cracked me up. And, if you're one of those people who doesn't have the two thoughts running in your mind, you should NOT be reading this...


Good Angel- It's Ramadan. Fasting for 30 days. It's the holy month. Hooray!
Devil- Thank God it's that time of the month. No fasting for a few more days. Hooray!
Good Angel- That's just wrong of you. That is not the Ramadan spirit.
Devil- Oh come on. You know how cranky I get when I'm hungry. Everyone around me will want Ramadan to end so I can be normal again. That's how moody I get.
Good Angel- well then maybe you should learn how NOT to be so cranky
Devil- Ya right, this is how I am when I'm hungry. Leave me alone. Why should I fast anyways? Isn't prayer like a more important commandment than fasting? Arguably, I should try to adhere to regular prayers first. (In Islam, the five pillars (in order) are:
(1) Belief in God and his message
(2) prayer 5 times a day
(3) zakah (charity)
(4) fasting in Ramadan
(5) Hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca).
So, If I do all of one, but skip #2 on a regular basis, what's the point of bothering with #4?
Good Angel- How dare you! You should try to do all of them. And, you have managed to keep to #4 your whole life. Why would you give it up now? I'm ashamed of you. Instead of giving up #4, why don't you just commit to starting #2? You will not give up fasting in Ramadan. At least you have ONE consistent deed in your life...
Devil- Yeah, but it's not the BEST of them....
Good Angel- what would your mother say?
Devil- I'm not fasting for her. I'm fasting for God.
Good Angel- Exactly. How dare you. You WILL fast, and you WILL pray this Ramadan.
Devil- why should I?
Good Angel- Because if you don't, your children never will.
Devil- point taken. I'll fast and pray.

Sigh. I scare myself. I don't think it's like I could ever NOT fast in Ramadan, but sometimes you almost stop and say "what am I doing this for again?" Sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. I guess it's always OK to check in once in awhile and make sure you're doing things for the right reasons...

For example, my confusion with religion, and my decision to give up the hijab. I know it was the right decision for me. The hijab just wasn't for me. But at the time, I gave it up for the wrong reasons. I gave it up because of my husband's actions. I felt like I was being this great religious woman, and God had given me this horrible excuse of a husband. I would cover myself up and he would do the things that he did. He would womanize, he would be abusive, and I would sit at home praying with my head all wrapped up like that. It was too much for me to bear. I was angry at God and felt cheated. I felt like "I can be one of those beautiful women. Why do I cover up when it only leads to him doing those things?". I took off the scarf. I felt better about myself. Then I realized that I could do better than him. That he wasn't everything for me, and that he was the one that wronged me. And I left. Freedom. I realized that religion wasn't the cause of my problem, but that it was part of what had made me feel even more bitter and trapped at the time.

Now, years later, I'm glad I don't wear the hijab anymore. I'm also glad that I left that horrible marriage. But at the same time, I'm also glad that I didn't entirely lose my faith. It did take quite a beating, but I am happy to stay that it is still on track. Clearly, that "good angel" on my shoulder has stopped me from totally slipping away from my faith.

So yes, I will, as always, be fasting this Ramadan. And I'll be praying too. Who knows- this might be the year that I manage to keep some of those prayers in my daily routine, even after Ramadan ends.

Businessman or Con-man?

It's my son I'm talking about here. So here is the story- we went to a dollar store the other day, and he picked up this totally disgusting squishy skull. When you squeeze it, blood and bugs come crawling out of the eye in some puss ball. Very gross, but typical boy thing I suppose. Anyhow, he loved it, and for a buck, I figured, why not?

Anyhow- My son goes to school the next day. His friends go nuts over it. My son sells the skull to his friend for $5. He comes home and tells me this. I ask him how he felt conning his own friend. "Don't you think you should have just offered to go to the store and pick up another skull and let him have it for a dollar? After all, he is your FRIEND".

"No mom! I have a better idea! I'm going to go to the store, buy 5 more, and sell each for 5 dollars!".

OK- I'm scared. I have visions of mothers calling me yelling over my con artist child. I mean, on the one hand I admire his sense of, I don't know- entrepreneurial nature, or at least how he thinks about money, but on the other, where the heck is his sense of loyalty to his friends? I asked him if he told his friend that he only got the skull for a bargain deal of $1 and he says yes. OK- well, so he's not a full-on con man, just an honest one if that's possible.

Anyhow, I'm not taking him to the store to buy any more. That resolves that problem.

Men.

And They're Off

The kids will be with their dad this weekend. I've personally imposed supervised visitation. That is about as much as I can stretch things until our court date on Oct 2. I want to be as fair as possible, while protecting the children.

At first, I thought he wouldn't find a supervisor. He is yet again fighting with his family so nobody wants to be around him. I guess in the spirit of Ramadan, his brother agreed to supervise. His lawyer advised that they will be supervised. I found all this out as I was picking them up from school. I had plans to be with them this weekend, so now I have all this time on my hands and I have no idea what to do with it. A rare scenario indeed.

I could hang with some of my friends, but most of them are fasting and will probably prefer to be at the mosque. No thanks. While I am trying to get my faith back on track, I'm still not anywhere near mosque mode. I could do house chores, but I'm not in the mood. My lawyer is raking it in, so I don't exactly have money to shop either. Hmmm.

If Mr. NYC weren't in Pakistan, I would be busy with him this weekend. I'm not used to having a whole weekend to myself, and well, having it in Ramadan is just weird, cuz your social calendar is stunted.

I have enough on my to do list to keep me busy. I just have a very uneasy feeling about my kids not being here with me.

First Appearance

What a day. I am totally exhausted.

Today was supposed to be a first appearance only. That typically means you check and make sure everyone still wants a court date and that everyone is playing fair and has shared documents etc.

Yesterday, my lawyer got a letter from my ex's lawyer. He was opposed to any arguments being presented today because it is Rosh Hashana and so he has the right to celebrate Jewish Holiday. No disrespect, but Jewish holidays don't follow crazy lunar calendars like the Muslim ones do. So he knew about Rosh Hashana long before yesterday. He is just stalling. He said that he was not going to come to court, and that he would send an "agent" in his place to request an adjournment. I was livid.

We went to court today to request a new date, and it turns out there are no dates till basically December. That would be for a case conference, which is like a pre-date to the courtroom where you get to chit chat with the judge before you show up. Basically, we wouldn't get to see the courtroom again before the new year. My lawyer requested an earlier date. The judge said there wasn't one. Then my lawyer argued that unless we get an earlier date, we would have to file an emergency motion, because the children are in need of extra protection, and this case cannot hold up until December. The judge requested a break, read some of my materials, and then agreed that there were grounds for an emergency motion. Instead of doing more paperwork, she granted us an earlier date. Oct 2. That is just 2.5 weeks away.

First the lawyer's agent said that my ex's lawyer was available (she called him to check). Then when she heard that it would be an actual court date and not just a case conference she came back and said he was no longer available for Oct 2, but that he could "make himself available if we did a case conference instead of a motion date". My lawyer argued that this was unreasonable, and that they were delaying the case. He is, after all, available, just not available for a motion. What kind of argument is that? The judge agreed and made an order that we re-appear before the courts at 2pm on Oct 2. Thank God for some things.

So, today wasn't a total loss. Here is why:

1. We got an earlier date
2. Although they didn't show up, today counted as a first appearance, which means we didn't lose any time, and actually gained some since we don't have to wait until December
3. I got all of this without having to see my ex :)
   
4. I got to see my lawyer in the courtroom and she is AWESOME
5. I realized how much respect people in this court have for her
6. The court got a taste of my ex's lawyer's tactics and they did not approve
7. The judge recognized the urgency in my case
8. The judge is a senior judge, and known to be very fair and reasonable (I asked around)
9. The judge gave my ex's lawyer a deadline for filing the rest of his materials so I know that I will receive them on Sept 25 and can plan accordingly- no more living to his whims
10. Mr. NYC called just as I left the courthouse to see how I was holding up :)

Seriously though, I am VERY blessed. A special thank you to all of you who text messaged me while I was in court :) and to those who emailed and left me voice mails beforehand. I love you all.

Please keep me in your prayers. Oct 2 is only 2.5 weeks away.

Mothers are Awesome

I get a phone call every day at 5:15pm. It's from my mom, and she calls religiously every weekday to find out whether or not I will make it in time to get the children. If she hears that I'm running late, she tries to get them for me. I always try my best to get the children myself. It isn't fair for my parents to carry the burden for me. (Did I mention that she has 2 bad knees and is due for knee surgery? The woman can barely walk, but she will go out of her way to help me if she can. Unbelieveable!)

I do have to say, there is something incredibly comforting about the fact that she is always there for me. And I don't mean comfort from a scheduling perspective. I mean, COMFORTING, like what you feel after eating a homemade plate of lamb biryani, or if you're NOT desi, home made chicken soup, or whatever other comfort food does it for you.

My mom calls because she cares about me. Because somewhere amongst her daily stresses, she has chosen to add my well being to the list of important things in her life. I will re-iterate that this is not her responsibility. It's mine. What I find so awesome is that she cares so much for ME that my well being is always on her mind. And that my friends, is a mother. No matter how much you tell her not to worry, no matter how much you tell her you are fine, she will always be there letting you know you have her. I am SO blessed.

In many ways, this is what I'm trying to do for my children. In two days, I will start day one of a year and a half long court battle, because the children matter. My mom taught me well, and she doesn't even realize it. I don't know if I can ever be as unconditionally loving or as selfless as she is, but I do know that I have the best role model to use as a guide.

I love my mom. I am so blessed. No matter what happens on Thursday, I have alot to be thankful for.

Weekend Brunch

I had some friends over for brunch today. We had a nice time. It was I guess, our last brunch/large breakfast before Ramadan, which starts sometime this week depending on the moon/what Muslim group you belong to/what views you follow- traditional vs scientific, or whichever way the slice of toasts falls- butter up or down. Honestly, don't get me started again about my views on this whole moon thing.

Anyhow, I'm assuming that Ramadan is in line with my court date on Thursday. With the reduced carbs in my diet, I'm finding that I get hungry more often (I know- that shouldn't be the case- go figure), so I'm curious to see how I fare this Ramadan. Also, I hear that fast will break later this year, so that should be just loads of fun. Sadly, my boss has come to know me pretty well in just 4 months' time, and he jokingly tells me to eat lunch before I get "bitchy". I would say that is an accurate description of me when I'm hungry, so I'm sorry to say he may be right when he says that he doesn't know how I will make it through Ramadan. If I eat lunch just two hours late, I'm moody and curt. Don't worry- I'm an adult, I am sure I will survive.

On another front, Mr. NYC is on another business trip for two weeks. He calls me several times a day, so I don't have the right to complain. I just know I would have wanted to see him this upcoming weekend, especially since it will be right after the court date. Then again, with Ramadan in the picture, it's kind of hard to meet schedule wise. Too many iftaar parties and social obligations. Sigh. I know people will blast me for this, but I can't wait until Eid.

5 Days and Counting...

My first court date is just 5 days away. Can you believe we have never taken this case before the court? We did everything in a separation agreement through our lawyers last time. What a mistake that was. I guess at the time, I didn't have any way of knowing that he would go off his meds, and that things would unfold as they did. I know better now.

Mr. NYC pointed out that Sept 13 is not only my first court appearance, but it is also probably the first day of Ramadan. Let's hope that means that things will go my way. I do have to say that as much as I complain, and as unfair as I've been about my faith (or perhaps ungrateful), that I do honestly believe that God has been right here beside me every step of the way. I know it's an odd thing to say, but the more I fight my faith, and especially all the outwardly signs of it- the hijaab, regular prayers, etc....the more it has brought me to a point where I just know that everything, both the good and the bad happens for a reason. There are just some things that you cannot complain about because...well, because life isn't over yet, so we still don't know how things will actually unfold. The story isn't finished, and so what sometimes seems like the end of the rope may actually end up being just the middle. You never know where you will end up, or why you will end up there. Just trust that you were somehow meant to experience the journey. That's what life is, a journey, right?

Keep me in your prayers for Thursday...

On another note, I had the weirdest "find" the other day. I opened up an old box (I have no idea where it came from) and in it I found a diary. My diary. It dates back to the year before I married my ex, and it only has about 10 entries in it. The sad thing is that it actually shows my state of mind, what I experienced, and how I felt about it. I wrote about a month before my marriage that I was so disappointed that my parents weren't as happy as I was about the upcoming wedding, that they thought I could do better. But that one day, when they see how much he loves me, they will know just how great it really was for me, and they would realize that arranged marriages aren't always the answer. Then just a few months later, I wrote about how often the abuse had been occurring after our marriage, and how shocked/miserable/isolated I was. It took just a few months- less than 6 for him to take a hopeful young girl and make her so isolated, so alone that she had nobody left to turn to.

Reading that diary was a weird feeling. It was like watching my life in slow motion. I mean, I know that I was shocked when it all happened. What I didn't recall is that I actually contemplated leaving. I seem to have forgotten so much from back then, that it is all mostly a blur. I felt a bit ...stupid reading the diary entry. I was talking about how logically there was no way out of this mess but death or divorce, and how death is never an option as a Muslim woman, so it would have to be divorce (unless he killed me). No I'm not kidding. That's what it said, that I was fully aware that if I didn't divorce him, I would end up getting killed. And this was all written within the first few months of my marriage.

Reading it was weird. Afterwards, I asked myself what the heck I was thinking. I mean, this was written before I had the kids. Why didn't I leave before they came into the picture? What was I waiting for? Or did I have no intentions of leaving?

It's almost like I was reading a stranger's diary. Honestly. I couldn't fully understand the thought process of this girl. I felt sorry for her. And it was ME.

This was one of those weird eerie experiences where you are watching your life and you can't change it...

Fitting that I found it right before we go to court huh?

The Drama Continues

Here are the events of my weekend. Sigh.

I was in Buffalo on Friday visiting a friend, and was planning to return home on Sat. This was supposed to be my ex's access weekend with the kids, so there was no issue with the plan at the outset. When I spoke to my lawyer on Friday and found out that my ex would likely not have access to the children because our two lawyers couldn't come to an agreement (actually he refused to have a supervised visit), I immediately arranged for my mother to keep the kids for one night.

Here is what transpired:

• I got a text message from my ex around 3pm stating that he would pick up the children at 5pm from my home.
• I replied saying that he couldn't, that since our lawyers did not agree on weekend arrangements, there would be no access
  
• I called my mother and asked her to pick up the children from the babysitter.
  
• My mother picked up the children from the babysitter promptly at 5pm (I had asked her to pick them up at 4pm, but she ran late).
• As she turned the corner of my street (babysitter lives on my street), my ex pulled in front of her car and blocked her car forming a "T" shape. This is VERY dangerous and erratic driving especially with children involved.
  
• He rushed out and took my son out from my mother's car. My mother has two bad knees and is scheduled for knee surgery. She couldn't run after him. She told him he couldn't take the children, and he said that it was his weekend, and these were his children and they were entitled to be with them.
• My ex was with some man that we do not know. My mother asked who the man was and he didn't answer.
• My mother called me and told me what happened. I told her to go to the police station.
• She went to the police station and the police phoned me. I spoke to the officer on the phone. He told me that my ex denied stopping in front of my mom's car, and that he says the children ran out of the car to him. This is a lie. But the officer said that since it was our word against his, and since my ex is also a custodial parent, they wouldn't be able to help me in any way. They told me to get a more clear court order, and one that is police enforceable.
• I text messaged my ex several times asking when he would bring the children home. He did not reply to any of my messages until Sunday, advising that he would bring them at 6pm on Monday. I replied saying it was unacceptable and that the children needed time to wind down and get ready for their first day of school. He refused to bring them earlier and threatened not to bring them back at all, that he would drop them directly to school on Tuesday if I argued with him any further. He doesn't have new school clothes or backpacks so I had no way out but to accept his 6pm return
• I also got a text message from my ex advising that he has changed residences and that he is now living in a basement apartment in Mississauga (5 min drive from my home). He moved without telling me that he was doing this.
• When the children came home, they advised me that they were unsupervised all weekend long and that their dad now lives on his own nearby, and not with his parents as was the case before
  
• They also advised me that as soon as he got them in his car on Friday, he called the police station himself, advising them that should my parents call, he was acting within his rights on his visitation weekend

It never ends. Sept 13th is my first court date. At least he doesn't have access to them again before them. All other systems have failed me. Let's hope the courts can do their job.