There must be something in the tank that just killed the second fish I bought. I wonder what to do?
Option 1- Replace the fish without letting the children know. Again.
Option 2- Tell them it died, and let them pick a new fish on their own. Maybe even two fish if it's not a Japanese fighter fish. Then they can each have their own fish.
I know I was trying not to disappoint them, but now it's the second time in one week that a fish died. Maybe I need to tell them what happened and let them deal with it?
What to do, what to do?
Friday, November 30, 2007
Parent-Teacher Meetings
Today was parent-teacher interview day. I was able to go in for my appointments this morning at 9am. Since report cards came out on Friday last week, and my ex had the kids last weekend, he kept the report cards, and failed to share them with me. Charming, isn't he?
Anyhow, I went in day before yesterday and got photocopies of the report cards. It turns out that my son is doing OK academically (all B's), but that he is still having difficulty focusing. This brings me back to the ADHD question, which I am hoping to have evaluated in the next few months. I asked the teacher for her opinion, and she said that he still doesn't strike her as an ADHD child, that he has some elements of it, such as the difficulty focusing and the emotional ups and downs, but that these could also be associated with the instability with his personal life. I'm hoping she is right. While I am supportive of doing the testing, I am hoping he does not come out as ADHD. If he does, I am ready to support him in any way I can.
Overall, I am happy that he was doing OK. He's not an A student by any stretch, but this is the first year that he is right at level (with the exception of his writing skills, which I can work on, but which are also typical for a little boy- boys are not usually the best writers at this age). Since his reading is doing really well (for the first time ever), we are hopeful that his writing skills will follow. I've got my fingers crossed.
My daughter's teacher says there are small improvements. She says the extra work I am doing at home (trust me, it's 2 hours a night!) is helping her along. But, the emotional stuff is still there. She is getting a little better, but she is still very sad and withdrawn, and often sits on her own. Her grades are well below average, so there is a lot of work to do to get her caught up. The teacher says it is NOT her lack of ability, that she would probably be one of the brightest students, if she could get past her emotional issues. I feel so very guilty.
I'm going to use the holiday season to continue giving the children academic support, but with my daughter, I want to try to give her some of the extra emotional support. I'm hoping some special outings and bonding time with her mother can help her. I'm thinking a few small lunch dates alone where she can discuss anything that is on her mind might be a good start. Let's see how it goes.
Anyhow, I went in day before yesterday and got photocopies of the report cards. It turns out that my son is doing OK academically (all B's), but that he is still having difficulty focusing. This brings me back to the ADHD question, which I am hoping to have evaluated in the next few months. I asked the teacher for her opinion, and she said that he still doesn't strike her as an ADHD child, that he has some elements of it, such as the difficulty focusing and the emotional ups and downs, but that these could also be associated with the instability with his personal life. I'm hoping she is right. While I am supportive of doing the testing, I am hoping he does not come out as ADHD. If he does, I am ready to support him in any way I can.
Overall, I am happy that he was doing OK. He's not an A student by any stretch, but this is the first year that he is right at level (with the exception of his writing skills, which I can work on, but which are also typical for a little boy- boys are not usually the best writers at this age). Since his reading is doing really well (for the first time ever), we are hopeful that his writing skills will follow. I've got my fingers crossed.
My daughter's teacher says there are small improvements. She says the extra work I am doing at home (trust me, it's 2 hours a night!) is helping her along. But, the emotional stuff is still there. She is getting a little better, but she is still very sad and withdrawn, and often sits on her own. Her grades are well below average, so there is a lot of work to do to get her caught up. The teacher says it is NOT her lack of ability, that she would probably be one of the brightest students, if she could get past her emotional issues. I feel so very guilty.
I'm going to use the holiday season to continue giving the children academic support, but with my daughter, I want to try to give her some of the extra emotional support. I'm hoping some special outings and bonding time with her mother can help her. I'm thinking a few small lunch dates alone where she can discuss anything that is on her mind might be a good start. Let's see how it goes.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
It Was One Year Ago Today...
That Syd died. It was one year ago tomorrow when I found out that he had died.
I woke up today and prayed for him. I hope that he is at peace. He was a great guy, but he just didn't reach out to all the resources he had available to him. It's sad and tragic, and he left a hole in many people's lives, but I think it has been the hardest for his children and his girlfriend. His girlfriend by the way, is probably one of the strongest, most positive people I have ever met. I would have met her a week after his passing, as they were to come to my place for dinner. I ended up connecting with her a week after his passing anyhow, via email. Somehow, I think we were destined to meet, one way or another.
For a couple of minutes, I was debating going over to the Leaside bridge, perhaps just for the closure. I've driven under the bridge less than 10 times since his passing, (and I usually avoid going near it), and I haven't driven on it since he died. I was going to do it today, but I think today is not the right day to do that. There will be other days.
Over the past year, I think I have definitely healed, but I do miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss his emails. I miss his pages to my blackberry. I miss his support. I hope he's in a better place.
Just thinking about that time of year, I remember how many things snowballed at once. My boss of many years was let go, and shortly after that, Syd told me it was time for me to move on professionally. He told me to change departments, or leave the company altogether. A few weeks after that, he committed suicide. That de-railed things for me more than anything I could imagine. Right after that, it was the office re-org, which quite frankly went over miserably, and left me feeling de-moralized. Things only started to look up when I got the clean break and started the new job. That job was exactly what I needed. I got rid of the emotional baggage that was tied to my last boss and Syd, and I felt valued again. Thank God for the change.
Anyhow. Here I am, right in the middle of a court case. 2007 is winding down and all I can say is that it went really fast. I thought 2007 would be my year. Looking at it so far, I can't say that it was my year, but I can say it was better than the last year. Let's see how it turns out.
Anyhow, like I said, I hope Syd is at peace, wherever he may be. I still find myself asking "I wonder what Syd would say", or "I wonder what Syd would do".
Where ever he may be, he still has an impact on my life, and it's still positive.
Rest in peace my friend.
I woke up today and prayed for him. I hope that he is at peace. He was a great guy, but he just didn't reach out to all the resources he had available to him. It's sad and tragic, and he left a hole in many people's lives, but I think it has been the hardest for his children and his girlfriend. His girlfriend by the way, is probably one of the strongest, most positive people I have ever met. I would have met her a week after his passing, as they were to come to my place for dinner. I ended up connecting with her a week after his passing anyhow, via email. Somehow, I think we were destined to meet, one way or another.
For a couple of minutes, I was debating going over to the Leaside bridge, perhaps just for the closure. I've driven under the bridge less than 10 times since his passing, (and I usually avoid going near it), and I haven't driven on it since he died. I was going to do it today, but I think today is not the right day to do that. There will be other days.
Over the past year, I think I have definitely healed, but I do miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss his emails. I miss his pages to my blackberry. I miss his support. I hope he's in a better place.
Just thinking about that time of year, I remember how many things snowballed at once. My boss of many years was let go, and shortly after that, Syd told me it was time for me to move on professionally. He told me to change departments, or leave the company altogether. A few weeks after that, he committed suicide. That de-railed things for me more than anything I could imagine. Right after that, it was the office re-org, which quite frankly went over miserably, and left me feeling de-moralized. Things only started to look up when I got the clean break and started the new job. That job was exactly what I needed. I got rid of the emotional baggage that was tied to my last boss and Syd, and I felt valued again. Thank God for the change.
Anyhow. Here I am, right in the middle of a court case. 2007 is winding down and all I can say is that it went really fast. I thought 2007 would be my year. Looking at it so far, I can't say that it was my year, but I can say it was better than the last year. Let's see how it turns out.
Anyhow, like I said, I hope Syd is at peace, wherever he may be. I still find myself asking "I wonder what Syd would say", or "I wonder what Syd would do".
Where ever he may be, he still has an impact on my life, and it's still positive.
Rest in peace my friend.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Court Date #3
Yesterday was our third court date. I had spent most of the weekend trying to forget about it. By the end of the weekend I actually did manage to forget it. On Monday a friend mentioned something about being "ready for tomorrow" and it took me a couple of seconds to remember that I did indeed have court coming up. By Monday evening, the stress had built up again, and I don't think I slept much on Monday night. That is how it goes I guess. I always work myself into a knot the day before. At least this time, I had managed not to ruin the entire weekend beforehand stressing it out.
On Tuesday morning, I was a total mess. I had taken the day off work, so I went to the gym in the morning, and then came home to shower and change before leaving. I even prayed, which is different for me, as my prayers have been almost non existent lately. I didn't pray to win a case or anything like that, I mean that would be almost too selfish an act. I prayed for peace. I prayed that the best outcome for all parties (especially the children) happen, whatever that might be. And I did get some peace. Afterwards, I felt satisfied that sometimes on the surface, something may look like the biggest disaster; but that when all is said and done, the outcome can often be better in the long term than I can imagine. I felt better. I know that overall, things are easier, and that many things that felt unthinkable- such as going through a divorce, can actually be a blessing when the dust settles.
Overall it went OK. I can't say that I got everything I wanted, and my ex did not get everything he wanted, but I can honestly say that I have a lot of respect for this judge and that she was very fair. Here is an overview:
If nothing else, I do have respect for her.
On Tuesday morning, I was a total mess. I had taken the day off work, so I went to the gym in the morning, and then came home to shower and change before leaving. I even prayed, which is different for me, as my prayers have been almost non existent lately. I didn't pray to win a case or anything like that, I mean that would be almost too selfish an act. I prayed for peace. I prayed that the best outcome for all parties (especially the children) happen, whatever that might be. And I did get some peace. Afterwards, I felt satisfied that sometimes on the surface, something may look like the biggest disaster; but that when all is said and done, the outcome can often be better in the long term than I can imagine. I felt better. I know that overall, things are easier, and that many things that felt unthinkable- such as going through a divorce, can actually be a blessing when the dust settles.
Overall it went OK. I can't say that I got everything I wanted, and my ex did not get everything he wanted, but I can honestly say that I have a lot of respect for this judge and that she was very fair. Here is an overview:
- We go back in the end of March, mostly to set the next court date- even one of our lawyers can attend that day- we are aiming for a May/June court date
- The assessment over the next few months (which starts in Jan) will be the large deciding factor on who gets custody
- We clearly defined access times for Eid, our son's birthday, Christmas break, March break, weekends, and any other access times. This will eliminate the confusion/arguing as well as the constant back and forth with lawyers. Even pick up/drop off times and locations have been decided
- I did get a small slap on the wrist. I was told that I was treating a joint custodial arrangement like it was sole custody and it isn't. I explained that I was protecting my kids. The judge said she doesn't deny that they needed protection, but that I should have come to court over a year and a half ago before taking matters into my own hands and cutting his access to the kids
- Accordingly, she has granted him mid week access on Wed nights, for a period that may not exceed 4 hours. Minimizing the access reduces the changes that he will lose his temper and freak out on the kids. I think that's a fair assessment. Well, I hope it is. I mean, it does MINIMIZE the risks. It just doesn't ELIMINATE them.
- Any other visits (i.e. weekends)- have to be fully supervised.
- His weekend visits are allowed to go until 7pm, which is the standard for access weekends for the non primary care parent. Basically what she has done is given him back his time as a parent, so he doesn't lose time with the children, but at the same time, she has put enough checks and balances in place that he has to be guarded and the children will be safe.
- I can still travel with the children without his permission
If nothing else, I do have respect for her.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Mental Health Day
I took a day off today just to chillax. It's been good. I did the laundry and groceries in the morning, mostly to get those chores out of the way, and then I did nothing. I was resting on the couch, surfing the internet, talking on the phone. It's been great.
The fish fiasco ended yesterday when my son came home and found the new fishie swimming in the tank. He assumed it was the old one, which was kind of the point, and didn't notice anything. He even threw in a few words about how smart I am, and how he will never doubt me again in the future. Bonus.
On a scarier note, my neighbour called yesterday to tell me that she saw some guy in a black car parked outside my house for about 3 hours yesterday. 3 hours. She said he looked Pakistani (she's Pakistani herself), and that he looked like a slimy guy (whatever that means). The point is, I feel a bit weird. I mean, why would someone be outside my house for 3 hours in the middle of the day? There aren't many Pak neighbours here (that was a pre-requisite to buying my home-no desi neighbours) so he probably wasn't here to bug anyone else. Then again, if you were here to stalk me, wouldn't you park out of sight instead of right in front of my home?
I basically told her that next time if she sees anyone, she should contact the police, tell them that I am a single mom with a psycho ex husband and that they should come and check it out. Above and beyond that there isn't much else we can do.
On the other hand, wouldn't it be shameful if it was some dude waiting for someone (for 3hrs?) and that I just pegged him as an evil stalker? Maybe he is some guy waiting for a girlfriend who lives a few doors down and he had to hide out so nobody sees him waiting for her, because her traditional desi parents don't want her dating an older man...
Or, maybe he is a stalker. Sigh. I am so messed up sometimes. Now I'm the one who is getting paranoid.
The fish fiasco ended yesterday when my son came home and found the new fishie swimming in the tank. He assumed it was the old one, which was kind of the point, and didn't notice anything. He even threw in a few words about how smart I am, and how he will never doubt me again in the future. Bonus.
On a scarier note, my neighbour called yesterday to tell me that she saw some guy in a black car parked outside my house for about 3 hours yesterday. 3 hours. She said he looked Pakistani (she's Pakistani herself), and that he looked like a slimy guy (whatever that means). The point is, I feel a bit weird. I mean, why would someone be outside my house for 3 hours in the middle of the day? There aren't many Pak neighbours here (that was a pre-requisite to buying my home-no desi neighbours) so he probably wasn't here to bug anyone else. Then again, if you were here to stalk me, wouldn't you park out of sight instead of right in front of my home?
I basically told her that next time if she sees anyone, she should contact the police, tell them that I am a single mom with a psycho ex husband and that they should come and check it out. Above and beyond that there isn't much else we can do.
On the other hand, wouldn't it be shameful if it was some dude waiting for someone (for 3hrs?) and that I just pegged him as an evil stalker? Maybe he is some guy waiting for a girlfriend who lives a few doors down and he had to hide out so nobody sees him waiting for her, because her traditional desi parents don't want her dating an older man...
Or, maybe he is a stalker. Sigh. I am so messed up sometimes. Now I'm the one who is getting paranoid.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
A Mother's Little White Lies
"Mommy! Mommy! My fishie died!"
My son was in tears. "He was my only pet".... and this, right before leaving for school on the morning of a storm. I sometimes wonder if I will EVER be equipped to deal with this stuff. Sigh.
"Baby, he's not dead. He's sleeping."
"No way- he's all curled up and lying on the ground. Fishies don't do that!"
"Well that's cuz I gave him medicine. He was sick last night so I gave him fishie medicine. The bottle said he needs to sleep it off for 24 hours. He should be fine by the time you get home from school."
"He's not dead?"
"No baby, don't be silly. He's sleeping. What do I do when you're sick?"
"Make me take medicine and sleep all day."
"Ok, so like I said, fishie will be just fine."
"I love you mommy. I hope you're right".
Then today, I went at lunchtime to the pet store. They had Japanese fighter fish, but not in the same colour. I did not anticipate this problem.
So I go to pet store #2. Same issue. Next, I go to Wal-Mart. Jackpot. I buy the fish, I come home. I clean the fish tank, I put in the new fish (after flushing the other one down the toilet). They look identical. He will never know the difference.
Don't judge me. You didn't see him crying. It broke my heart.
I'm secretly a superhero. Albeit one that occasionally tells little white lies. But still a superhero nontheless.
My son was in tears. "He was my only pet".... and this, right before leaving for school on the morning of a storm. I sometimes wonder if I will EVER be equipped to deal with this stuff. Sigh.
"Baby, he's not dead. He's sleeping."
"No way- he's all curled up and lying on the ground. Fishies don't do that!"
"Well that's cuz I gave him medicine. He was sick last night so I gave him fishie medicine. The bottle said he needs to sleep it off for 24 hours. He should be fine by the time you get home from school."
"He's not dead?"
"No baby, don't be silly. He's sleeping. What do I do when you're sick?"
"Make me take medicine and sleep all day."
"Ok, so like I said, fishie will be just fine."
"I love you mommy. I hope you're right".
Then today, I went at lunchtime to the pet store. They had Japanese fighter fish, but not in the same colour. I did not anticipate this problem.
So I go to pet store #2. Same issue. Next, I go to Wal-Mart. Jackpot. I buy the fish, I come home. I clean the fish tank, I put in the new fish (after flushing the other one down the toilet). They look identical. He will never know the difference.
Don't judge me. You didn't see him crying. It broke my heart.
I'm secretly a superhero. Albeit one that occasionally tells little white lies. But still a superhero nontheless.
In the Name of God
And then he lies. No kidding. He sends me an email about how he has NEVER been abusive blah blah blah and why am I so bitter, blah blah blah and that I am so hostile and that I need to move on. Whatever.
Then he signs his email "in peace and in the name of God"
WTF?
In the name of GOD? Are you kidding me? Seriously- he might as well have said "In the name of God, I am the biggest liar on the planet".
People like that scare the heck out of me. NO conscience whatsoever. I mean, you can't even REFORM people like that.
Even scarier- That a guy like that can go around claiming to be a devout Muslim. No wonder the world hates Muslims. Look at some of the people who speak out. The louder, obnoxious ones who get the limelight are always the sleazebags.
How come the nice ones never get the limelight? I'd like to see some of the nicer Muslims represent our community. Instead of, well- instead of the freaks.
OK rant over. Back to work. No more checking personal emails. They put me in a bad mood.
Then he signs his email "in peace and in the name of God"
WTF?
In the name of GOD? Are you kidding me? Seriously- he might as well have said "In the name of God, I am the biggest liar on the planet".
People like that scare the heck out of me. NO conscience whatsoever. I mean, you can't even REFORM people like that.
Even scarier- That a guy like that can go around claiming to be a devout Muslim. No wonder the world hates Muslims. Look at some of the people who speak out. The louder, obnoxious ones who get the limelight are always the sleazebags.
How come the nice ones never get the limelight? I'd like to see some of the nicer Muslims represent our community. Instead of, well- instead of the freaks.
OK rant over. Back to work. No more checking personal emails. They put me in a bad mood.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Your Time Will Come, But This is Not Your Time
Words of wisdom from one of my best friends. This was said to me a week ago when I was going mental with my ex's last stunt. My friend was calming me down when I was feeling totally fed up and ready to give up. Some days, I just feel like it will never end. Like I will be suffering through this crap forever, like no matter how many prayers I pray, or how many times I am patient, it just never gets easier. I wanted to rip into him. But my friend reminded me- My time will come. But today is not my time. Yet.
He's right. Patience is the key. I've been patient for awhile. I was patient for those 11 years as I suffered one black eye after another. I was patient when I left and he cleaned out the bank accounts and cash advanced all my credit cards. I was patient in the legal documents, when he made up all those lies. My friend was right. I can be patient just a little bit longer. After all, we know the end is near. We are after all, in court. It has to be over in the next 8 months or so. Even if God forbid, it doesn't go the way I want (which I am hoping is unlikely), but even if that happens, I will have clearly defined non-negotiable boundaries and I won't have to deal with him anywhere near as much as I do today.
My other girlfriend is right too. No matter how bad this is, and no matter how financially ruined I will be, I am waaaaaaay better off this year than I was last year. And I was better off last year than the year before.
Look at it this way- I no longer have to use a cover stick around my eyes as part of my morning getting-dressed routine. And I know that my kids will never have to do it. I know that with certainty, because my kids have a safe home.
That and the fact that if he ever does hurt my babies again, I'll have his butt whipped into jail. And he knows it.
You're right my friend. My time will come. It's been coming little by little already.
He's right. Patience is the key. I've been patient for awhile. I was patient for those 11 years as I suffered one black eye after another. I was patient when I left and he cleaned out the bank accounts and cash advanced all my credit cards. I was patient in the legal documents, when he made up all those lies. My friend was right. I can be patient just a little bit longer. After all, we know the end is near. We are after all, in court. It has to be over in the next 8 months or so. Even if God forbid, it doesn't go the way I want (which I am hoping is unlikely), but even if that happens, I will have clearly defined non-negotiable boundaries and I won't have to deal with him anywhere near as much as I do today.
My other girlfriend is right too. No matter how bad this is, and no matter how financially ruined I will be, I am waaaaaaay better off this year than I was last year. And I was better off last year than the year before.
Look at it this way- I no longer have to use a cover stick around my eyes as part of my morning getting-dressed routine. And I know that my kids will never have to do it. I know that with certainty, because my kids have a safe home.
That and the fact that if he ever does hurt my babies again, I'll have his butt whipped into jail. And he knows it.
You're right my friend. My time will come. It's been coming little by little already.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What Constitutes a Single Parent?
Interesting question. This came to my mind while I was at the gym today (as a side note, I am having the toughest time getting back into the gym routine after it got de-railed in Ramadan. I think I need a week off work to just push through the gym and get back on track, and I'm seriously considering taking the time off and doing just that).
Anyhow, the context was a conversation I had with the children. My son was saying that their dad says he's a "single dad". OK- well, technically you might be, but really, come on. I mean, having the kids 4 days a month doesn't make you a single dad. It takes a lot to be a father, and more to be a single father. Any man can be a sperm donor. It takes a certain kind of person to be a real father, and especially a single dad in the true sense of the term. I think that the following should be a minimum to making you be entitled to use the "Single Parent" title:
He doesn't do any of these things. He doesn't even buy diapers for our daughter. I get rude emails that say that he needs pull ups and since I get child support, I should buy things for them. Never mind the fact that he makes more money than I do (that he doesn't declare), or that it's just $20 for God's sake.
I don't think he's entitled to use the single parent title. I think it would be more appropriate for him to say "Hi, I'm the guy who beat up my wife so many times that she finally left me, oh yeah, and I choked our son, and abused my children regularly so I only get to see them four days a month".
Not a single dad.
I know. I sound bitter. There isn't enough therapy in the world that can get rid of the disappointment I have in that man.
I guess I need to go back to therapy again. :)
Anyhow, the context was a conversation I had with the children. My son was saying that their dad says he's a "single dad". OK- well, technically you might be, but really, come on. I mean, having the kids 4 days a month doesn't make you a single dad. It takes a lot to be a father, and more to be a single father. Any man can be a sperm donor. It takes a certain kind of person to be a real father, and especially a single dad in the true sense of the term. I think that the following should be a minimum to making you be entitled to use the "Single Parent" title:
- You actually do homework with your children
- You take them to medical appointments
- You take care of them when they are sick (instead of sending them home to the other parent)
- You bathe them (he never does- ewww)
- You feed them, and do their laundry
- You encourage them
- You have a tight limited schedule because there aren't enough hours in the day and you are almost permanently their mom and their dad, the breadwinner and the housewife
- You are gentle and loving
- You are indeed the sole parent in the house on an ongoing basis
He doesn't do any of these things. He doesn't even buy diapers for our daughter. I get rude emails that say that he needs pull ups and since I get child support, I should buy things for them. Never mind the fact that he makes more money than I do (that he doesn't declare), or that it's just $20 for God's sake.
I don't think he's entitled to use the single parent title. I think it would be more appropriate for him to say "Hi, I'm the guy who beat up my wife so many times that she finally left me, oh yeah, and I choked our son, and abused my children regularly so I only get to see them four days a month".
Not a single dad.
I know. I sound bitter. There isn't enough therapy in the world that can get rid of the disappointment I have in that man.
I guess I need to go back to therapy again. :)
Saturday, November 17, 2007
The Engagement Party
I went to an engagement party today with the children. It's been a very long while since I've seen all these people in one room at once. I mean ALL of them. I think that the last time I saw this Desi crowd in totality was at my sister's wedding. I mean, WOW. Desi people are the same no matter where you go. They just don't change.
I think the one thing I noticed today that I didn't notice before was the division. These were once my family's close friends. Once. Almost about 4 years ago. At the time of my sisters wedding. That was also the same time as my separation.
Shortly after my sister got married, she moved to Kuwait for a year. My divorce situation intensified and I became the talk of the gossip-mongering Desi town. I hated these people. All of them. I never liked the crowd, even while growing up. Too much pressure, too much backbiting, too much of the fake friendships. I always wanted out of this community.
When I first separated, my dad couldn't handle the things that were being said about me, and he couldn't handle the fact that his friends were amongst the people talking. Just remember boys and girls, a good Desi girl NEVER leaves her husband. Abuse is common and often tolerated. I left him. They knew it. Rumors spread all over the place. My dad confronted his friends. He told them they were no longer friends. Many friendships ended, partially because of how upset my dad was, and how badly he told people off.
Today, as I sat in the room and looked around, I was very aware of the divisions. I knew which people I was to greet and which ones to stay away from. There were tables of friends that once sat with my mom and dad who no longer did today. Those were the tables I avoided. There were other tables with friends gathered around my parents. It made me sad. My parents did suffer the impact of my divorce. True, my dad could have handled people differently, but at the end of the day, my divorce has cost my parents certain friendships. Nobody ever voiced it. My parents never said it, my siblings never said it. But today, I realized it.
I saw another lady today. She was a cute older lady who I absolutely adored. I haven't seen her in years. Many years, well before the divorce. In fact, today, I realized it was well before I had the kids. I realized it when she greeted me and said "What happened? You've put on weight!" (typical Desi conversation). I was puzzled at first. I said, "No, I've lost 30 lbs" then she looked puzzled. I then realized that she last saw me BEFORE I was pregnant with my son. That was over 8 years ago. I smiled and told her "You're right, I HAVE put on weight". (I have about 20 lbs left to lose to get back to that weight). Truthfully though, I'd settle for just another 10lbs. Anyhow, if anyone else had made that comment, I would have drop kicked them. This little old lady meant me to harm. She's just a very direct personality, but I know how much she always loved me, so I didn't take it badly at all.
Anyhow, I realized tonight why I don't go to these events. Most of these people are not friends. These are the people who stress me out. There are pockets of friends like the adorable little old lady who wishes only well, but other than that, these were mostly the judgmental, fake people that I saw today. I have no patience left for this.
I think I should go 8 years before seeing these people again. As for the little old lady, I would have tea with her any day. :)
Mental note....If I should ever decide to marry again, I'm NOT having a wedding. I'm doing vows at home, and having my own party where I greet my guests at the door and invite only the ones I want there and I get to tell the rest to take a hike. And I don't have to act shy and keep my head down. Nor do I have to wear a God awful sparkly duppata (headscarf) that weighs more than a bag of cement. Oh ya, and the guest list will be less Desi and more....not Desi.
That's IF I ever decide to marry again. Big IF.
I think the one thing I noticed today that I didn't notice before was the division. These were once my family's close friends. Once. Almost about 4 years ago. At the time of my sisters wedding. That was also the same time as my separation.
Shortly after my sister got married, she moved to Kuwait for a year. My divorce situation intensified and I became the talk of the gossip-mongering Desi town. I hated these people. All of them. I never liked the crowd, even while growing up. Too much pressure, too much backbiting, too much of the fake friendships. I always wanted out of this community.
When I first separated, my dad couldn't handle the things that were being said about me, and he couldn't handle the fact that his friends were amongst the people talking. Just remember boys and girls, a good Desi girl NEVER leaves her husband. Abuse is common and often tolerated. I left him. They knew it. Rumors spread all over the place. My dad confronted his friends. He told them they were no longer friends. Many friendships ended, partially because of how upset my dad was, and how badly he told people off.
Today, as I sat in the room and looked around, I was very aware of the divisions. I knew which people I was to greet and which ones to stay away from. There were tables of friends that once sat with my mom and dad who no longer did today. Those were the tables I avoided. There were other tables with friends gathered around my parents. It made me sad. My parents did suffer the impact of my divorce. True, my dad could have handled people differently, but at the end of the day, my divorce has cost my parents certain friendships. Nobody ever voiced it. My parents never said it, my siblings never said it. But today, I realized it.
I saw another lady today. She was a cute older lady who I absolutely adored. I haven't seen her in years. Many years, well before the divorce. In fact, today, I realized it was well before I had the kids. I realized it when she greeted me and said "What happened? You've put on weight!" (typical Desi conversation). I was puzzled at first. I said, "No, I've lost 30 lbs" then she looked puzzled. I then realized that she last saw me BEFORE I was pregnant with my son. That was over 8 years ago. I smiled and told her "You're right, I HAVE put on weight". (I have about 20 lbs left to lose to get back to that weight). Truthfully though, I'd settle for just another 10lbs. Anyhow, if anyone else had made that comment, I would have drop kicked them. This little old lady meant me to harm. She's just a very direct personality, but I know how much she always loved me, so I didn't take it badly at all.
Anyhow, I realized tonight why I don't go to these events. Most of these people are not friends. These are the people who stress me out. There are pockets of friends like the adorable little old lady who wishes only well, but other than that, these were mostly the judgmental, fake people that I saw today. I have no patience left for this.
I think I should go 8 years before seeing these people again. As for the little old lady, I would have tea with her any day. :)
Mental note....If I should ever decide to marry again, I'm NOT having a wedding. I'm doing vows at home, and having my own party where I greet my guests at the door and invite only the ones I want there and I get to tell the rest to take a hike. And I don't have to act shy and keep my head down. Nor do I have to wear a God awful sparkly duppata (headscarf) that weighs more than a bag of cement. Oh ya, and the guest list will be less Desi and more....not Desi.
That's IF I ever decide to marry again. Big IF.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I Wonder How it Would Feel
If we had a dad like that.
This is the conversation that I heard in the car driving home yesterday. My son and daughter were talking. They were talking about Rich. They were saying that it would be so cool to have someone like him as a father. Mary said "Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to have a dad like that? A dad who is fun, who is nice, who is patient? Why did we get a mean dad? How does God decide which kids get the nice dads and which ones get the mean ones?"
I felt so sorry for them when I heard that. Thank God they didn't ask me the question. I truly don't have the answer. I've been asking myself that very question "How does God decide which girls get the nice husbands and which ones get the creeps?"
I didn't say a word. I just listened. I had no way to console them, no way to make them feel better, no idea what would help.
A mother who can't make it better. How nice. Aren't mothers supposed to be able to make everything better? At least when the children are little, and their issues/problems are on a smaller scale to what they are when they become teenagers?
I was tucking my daughter in at night and and she asked how we know that God made good decisions. Oh crap. Another question that I am not able to answer. I suck at this. Parenting is really hard work. I asked her what she meant. She asked "How do you know that God sees and knows everything? What if he misses something? Maybe that explains why some people suffer more than others. Maybe God doesn't know everything, so that's why everything is not always fair".
Double crap.
I explained to her that part of faith is "blind trust". That we trust in God, even though we don't see him or talk to him, but that the justice piece all works out in the end. You may see an injustice today, but it may get double better next year, to make up for what happened this year.
"What if you don't really believe that there is a God anymore?"
"Mary- are you saying that you don't believe in God?"
"I think that's what I mean. If God is there, he isn't very fair. So if he's there, he's mean. Either that, or maybe he isn't there".
Triple Crap. I seriously cannot do this.
I can't even blame her. I've been through this one myself, and I'm still not 100% there. At the end of the day, I can be a great caregiver, a great emotional support, a great homework-doer, but this stuff, wow. I really am not equipped for this.
So let me get this straight. My ex's behavior with the children is making them lose faith in God. How nice.
Damn him for screwing up the kids. Damn him to hell.
This is the conversation that I heard in the car driving home yesterday. My son and daughter were talking. They were talking about Rich. They were saying that it would be so cool to have someone like him as a father. Mary said "Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to have a dad like that? A dad who is fun, who is nice, who is patient? Why did we get a mean dad? How does God decide which kids get the nice dads and which ones get the mean ones?"
I felt so sorry for them when I heard that. Thank God they didn't ask me the question. I truly don't have the answer. I've been asking myself that very question "How does God decide which girls get the nice husbands and which ones get the creeps?"
I didn't say a word. I just listened. I had no way to console them, no way to make them feel better, no idea what would help.
A mother who can't make it better. How nice. Aren't mothers supposed to be able to make everything better? At least when the children are little, and their issues/problems are on a smaller scale to what they are when they become teenagers?
I was tucking my daughter in at night and and she asked how we know that God made good decisions. Oh crap. Another question that I am not able to answer. I suck at this. Parenting is really hard work. I asked her what she meant. She asked "How do you know that God sees and knows everything? What if he misses something? Maybe that explains why some people suffer more than others. Maybe God doesn't know everything, so that's why everything is not always fair".
Double crap.
I explained to her that part of faith is "blind trust". That we trust in God, even though we don't see him or talk to him, but that the justice piece all works out in the end. You may see an injustice today, but it may get double better next year, to make up for what happened this year.
"What if you don't really believe that there is a God anymore?"
"Mary- are you saying that you don't believe in God?"
"I think that's what I mean. If God is there, he isn't very fair. So if he's there, he's mean. Either that, or maybe he isn't there".
Triple Crap. I seriously cannot do this.
I can't even blame her. I've been through this one myself, and I'm still not 100% there. At the end of the day, I can be a great caregiver, a great emotional support, a great homework-doer, but this stuff, wow. I really am not equipped for this.
So let me get this straight. My ex's behavior with the children is making them lose faith in God. How nice.
Damn him for screwing up the kids. Damn him to hell.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I'd Rather Read a Book
I was doing homework with the kids this evening when the telephone rang. It was their father. I handed the phone to my daughter, who chatted with her dad for a couple of minutes. Their conversation is almost always the same. He says hello, she says hello. He asks how school was, she says "fine". He says I love you, she mechanically says I love you too. He says I miss you, she mechanically says I miss you too. Then she says here, talk to my brother.
It amazes me how she has managed to survive. She knows what to say, what to do, and she speaks to him without emotion. This is what he did to the children. He made his own bed. The sad thing is, as they get older, they will respond less and less. They will after all, grow up, and as they do, they will learn only to love those who have earned their love. And as we all know, love is never earned through control or aggression.
Tonight, as my daughter handed the phone to her brother, he was reading a book and without looking up, he said "I don't want to talk to him". I froze. I looked over at Mary. She froze. She slowly put the phone back to her ear and said "Um, daddy, he's doing homework". I could hear him demanding to speak to his son, so she handed it over again. For a second time, my son said "No. Tell him I'm reading a book and I don't want to talk". Now I could hear my ex getting angry, and I felt bad for my daughter who seemed stressed to be in the middle. She walked over and put the phone to my son's ear, hoping he would say something. His response, "Tell him I don't want to talk to him".
I could hear their dad mutter something about being hurt and then he said his goodbyes. I stayed silent. I so badly wanted to ask my son what was going on, but I didn't feel like it was the right time. Clearly, he wanted the space, and I didn't want to take that away from him. I did however, stroke his hair and put my hand on his shoulder as I walked by him a few minutes later. He paused and put his hand on mine. Then he kept reading his book.
I wonder what happened during their visit this weekend to make my son behave this way. And also, I'm glad that he felt safe enough to be able to voice his feelings. I guess this home is providing him with some emotional protection.
Then again, like I said before, as they get older, they will only learn to deal with their dad in their own way. Perhaps this is going to be my son's way.
I have to say, I would be heartbroken if that ever happened to me. I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence. And I never thought I would say that. Funny how sometimes you can look at your life and almost re-frame things. I'd rather be here today. I'd rather be the one they trust and turn to. I'm glad I'm not still married to this man. If I was, they would feel for me just as they do for him, because I wouldn't have been able to protect them if I was still married. I'm glad I made the choices I made. I'm glad I'm here today, in this home, with these children. It took many bruises for me to get the sense to get here, but I'm glad I'm here. And for the record, I would take a million more to protect my children if I had to. Thankfully, I won't let it come to that ever again.
Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. I have two big ones snuggled in their beds as I type :)
It amazes me how she has managed to survive. She knows what to say, what to do, and she speaks to him without emotion. This is what he did to the children. He made his own bed. The sad thing is, as they get older, they will respond less and less. They will after all, grow up, and as they do, they will learn only to love those who have earned their love. And as we all know, love is never earned through control or aggression.
Tonight, as my daughter handed the phone to her brother, he was reading a book and without looking up, he said "I don't want to talk to him". I froze. I looked over at Mary. She froze. She slowly put the phone back to her ear and said "Um, daddy, he's doing homework". I could hear him demanding to speak to his son, so she handed it over again. For a second time, my son said "No. Tell him I'm reading a book and I don't want to talk". Now I could hear my ex getting angry, and I felt bad for my daughter who seemed stressed to be in the middle. She walked over and put the phone to my son's ear, hoping he would say something. His response, "Tell him I don't want to talk to him".
I could hear their dad mutter something about being hurt and then he said his goodbyes. I stayed silent. I so badly wanted to ask my son what was going on, but I didn't feel like it was the right time. Clearly, he wanted the space, and I didn't want to take that away from him. I did however, stroke his hair and put my hand on his shoulder as I walked by him a few minutes later. He paused and put his hand on mine. Then he kept reading his book.
I wonder what happened during their visit this weekend to make my son behave this way. And also, I'm glad that he felt safe enough to be able to voice his feelings. I guess this home is providing him with some emotional protection.
Then again, like I said before, as they get older, they will only learn to deal with their dad in their own way. Perhaps this is going to be my son's way.
I have to say, I would be heartbroken if that ever happened to me. I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence. And I never thought I would say that. Funny how sometimes you can look at your life and almost re-frame things. I'd rather be here today. I'd rather be the one they trust and turn to. I'm glad I'm not still married to this man. If I was, they would feel for me just as they do for him, because I wouldn't have been able to protect them if I was still married. I'm glad I made the choices I made. I'm glad I'm here today, in this home, with these children. It took many bruises for me to get the sense to get here, but I'm glad I'm here. And for the record, I would take a million more to protect my children if I had to. Thankfully, I won't let it come to that ever again.
Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. I have two big ones snuggled in their beds as I type :)
Monday, November 12, 2007
A Restful Day Off
Today was awesome. I can't even explain why. It was one of those days that I try to have when the kids are away with their dad, but I can never manage to have because life is just too busy. Today I did nothing. Well, it felt like nothing. And I wore no makeup, wore glasses all day, and ran around in jeans and sneakers. And it was wonderful.
I dropped the kids off at school and then went grocery shopping. In peace. No kids. No "Mommy can we buy those?" Or "Mommy- he's hitting me!" -Nothing. Just silence.
Like I said, it was nice.
I came home and made myself a spinach, mushroom and feta omelette with egg whites. Perfect breakfast. Yummy, and within diet rules. It doesn't get better than that. And, I watched TV while I ate. In peace. I NEVER watch TV anymore. It was great.
Next, I folded laundry. While watching old episodes of "The Office". On DVD. Did you get that? I watched a DVD while catching up on laundry. AWESOME.
I cleaned out 12 purses. In them, I found 3 unused 10-ride train passes, 23 subway tokens, 28 pens and 5 long lost lipsticks. No wonder those purses were so damned heavy. No wonder I couldn't find those subway tokens. My right shoulder (the purse shoulder) feels lighter already.
I then proceeded to go to the mall and run a couple of errands. I even had coffee with my dad. I can't remember the last time I did that. I helped him pick anniversary flowers for my mom. Then I went to get the kids, came home, did homework, made dinner, and tucked them in.
And here I am. Relaxed.
Funny how a simple day (that might seem to be like it was full of chores) could feel so relaxing to someone like me. It's actually kind of sad too. But I'm not complaining. I'm grateful to have had this one day.
I dropped the kids off at school and then went grocery shopping. In peace. No kids. No "Mommy can we buy those?" Or "Mommy- he's hitting me!" -Nothing. Just silence.
Like I said, it was nice.
I came home and made myself a spinach, mushroom and feta omelette with egg whites. Perfect breakfast. Yummy, and within diet rules. It doesn't get better than that. And, I watched TV while I ate. In peace. I NEVER watch TV anymore. It was great.
Next, I folded laundry. While watching old episodes of "The Office". On DVD. Did you get that? I watched a DVD while catching up on laundry. AWESOME.
I cleaned out 12 purses. In them, I found 3 unused 10-ride train passes, 23 subway tokens, 28 pens and 5 long lost lipsticks. No wonder those purses were so damned heavy. No wonder I couldn't find those subway tokens. My right shoulder (the purse shoulder) feels lighter already.
I then proceeded to go to the mall and run a couple of errands. I even had coffee with my dad. I can't remember the last time I did that. I helped him pick anniversary flowers for my mom. Then I went to get the kids, came home, did homework, made dinner, and tucked them in.
And here I am. Relaxed.
Funny how a simple day (that might seem to be like it was full of chores) could feel so relaxing to someone like me. It's actually kind of sad too. But I'm not complaining. I'm grateful to have had this one day.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
A Safe Return
The kids are home safe. I always breathe a sigh of relief when he brings them home safe, and once I've spoken to them and checked to ensure that he didn't hurt them while he had them. It's really sick that I have to constantly fear for their safety. I really hope the courts kick in and help the situation soon.
So here is a summary of this weekend's drama, aside from the obvious fact which is that my ex is a total jerk of a human being:
Anyhow, forget him. This is my life, right? I must have done something really heinous in my life to deserve to have an ex like this...
So anyways, one little piece of good news, my daughter was able to read through one of the books my friend brought for her (thanks Saji!). I did have to help her through it, but there was no alphabet reversals happening. Hooray for one step forward!
Tomorrow banks and government offices are closed for Remembrance Day. I am SO looking forward to the day off so that I can run errands, do laundry, groceries, and other house chores. Oh yeah, and to go to the gym. I went to the gym today as well. That was the only thing that helped me calm down from wanting to drop kick my ex. Thank God for the gym.
So here is a summary of this weekend's drama, aside from the obvious fact which is that my ex is a total jerk of a human being:
- He had a hard time getting a supervisor
- We had 29 email exchanges on Friday alone because he was refusing to tell me who would supervise the visit, and where I could reach the children. He's clearly in another one of his manic phases where he thinks he's the king of the world or something, and one where he deliberately gives me a hard time
- Finally when he did tell me who would be supervising, I found out that he was intending to spend some unsupervised time with the kids. I explained that he can't do that. He stated that his interpretation of the order is that he can. I guess I will have to bring this up in court.
- He deliberately brought the children back to me 3 1/2 hours late today. Jerk.
- He did not do any homework with the children.
Anyhow, forget him. This is my life, right? I must have done something really heinous in my life to deserve to have an ex like this...
So anyways, one little piece of good news, my daughter was able to read through one of the books my friend brought for her (thanks Saji!). I did have to help her through it, but there was no alphabet reversals happening. Hooray for one step forward!
Tomorrow banks and government offices are closed for Remembrance Day. I am SO looking forward to the day off so that I can run errands, do laundry, groceries, and other house chores. Oh yeah, and to go to the gym. I went to the gym today as well. That was the only thing that helped me calm down from wanting to drop kick my ex. Thank God for the gym.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Coffee and Books
I had a nice time hanging out with a girlfriend this evening. We went out for Thai food, went to Starbucks and to Chapters and she helped me pick out some early reader books for little Mary. It was a good evening, and I haven't been so relaxed in a really long time.
I now have a bunch of books for Mary to help her read. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. Anything to help my little girl get on track.
Tomorrow the children come home. I can't wait to see my babies again.
I had some nasty correspondence from my ex on Friday. He's obviously not capable of linear thinking, so I think this will come in really handy in court on the 27th.
I now have a bunch of books for Mary to help her read. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. Anything to help my little girl get on track.
Tomorrow the children come home. I can't wait to see my babies again.
I had some nasty correspondence from my ex on Friday. He's obviously not capable of linear thinking, so I think this will come in really handy in court on the 27th.
Academics
There is some stuff that I have been trying to deal with that have been really taxing on me for the past two weeks:
1) I've wanted to have my son tested for ADHD since July. In the beginning, my ex refused. When we went to court, the court ordered that the tests should be done, as they are in the best interests of the child (at court, he of course denied refusing them). Anyhow, the process is taking so long that it is mid November, and it looks like he won't even get tested until spring. The person who will head up the tests will be the assessor who is doing the formal assessment on our parenting capabilities etc. I've paid the assessor his retainer, and I am waiting for my ex to do the same. After this guy gets his retainer, he will start work maybe 8 weeks later. So my son's test will be put on the back burner. It's stuff like this that makes me really wish I had full custody. If my hands weren't tied, I would have had the tests done myself by now. The system sucks.
2) My daughter has been doing poorly in school. Her reading and writing skills fall below even the ESL students. I find this scary. I am an anal mother. I do homework every night. The therapist thinks there is a possibility of her being dyslexic. I have spent the past two weeks frustrated to death, because again, I cannot do anything for these children without my ex's permission, which is impossible to get, or a court order which is timely and costly to get. I spoke to my daughter's school and we are still trying to determine if it is a learning disorder, or if she is behind because she had to make the switch from a Montessori environment (which is learn through play) to a public school (which is structured learning). The teacher and the principal think the issue is the latter- the change in environments. I hope they are right. No, I'm PRAYING that they are right.
I had a small meltdown earlier this week. Thank God for my good friend who happened to call me at night, while I was lying in bed crying. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, I knew I would feel better after talking to her. I was right. Thank God for good people.
Today, my girlfriend and I (she is a teacher) are going shopping. I'm hoping she will be able to help me find the right books/tools to help get my daughter back on track as well. I have to start right at the beginning with her, but I'm totally willing to do it. Anything for my babies.
1) I've wanted to have my son tested for ADHD since July. In the beginning, my ex refused. When we went to court, the court ordered that the tests should be done, as they are in the best interests of the child (at court, he of course denied refusing them). Anyhow, the process is taking so long that it is mid November, and it looks like he won't even get tested until spring. The person who will head up the tests will be the assessor who is doing the formal assessment on our parenting capabilities etc. I've paid the assessor his retainer, and I am waiting for my ex to do the same. After this guy gets his retainer, he will start work maybe 8 weeks later. So my son's test will be put on the back burner. It's stuff like this that makes me really wish I had full custody. If my hands weren't tied, I would have had the tests done myself by now. The system sucks.
2) My daughter has been doing poorly in school. Her reading and writing skills fall below even the ESL students. I find this scary. I am an anal mother. I do homework every night. The therapist thinks there is a possibility of her being dyslexic. I have spent the past two weeks frustrated to death, because again, I cannot do anything for these children without my ex's permission, which is impossible to get, or a court order which is timely and costly to get. I spoke to my daughter's school and we are still trying to determine if it is a learning disorder, or if she is behind because she had to make the switch from a Montessori environment (which is learn through play) to a public school (which is structured learning). The teacher and the principal think the issue is the latter- the change in environments. I hope they are right. No, I'm PRAYING that they are right.
I had a small meltdown earlier this week. Thank God for my good friend who happened to call me at night, while I was lying in bed crying. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, I knew I would feel better after talking to her. I was right. Thank God for good people.
Today, my girlfriend and I (she is a teacher) are going shopping. I'm hoping she will be able to help me find the right books/tools to help get my daughter back on track as well. I have to start right at the beginning with her, but I'm totally willing to do it. Anything for my babies.
Friday, November 09, 2007
No More Children!
Well, I've known it, and been saying it forever. I do not want to have more children, as my hands are full with the ones I have. I've mentioned before that I actually don't even have the desire to have more children. Now I've learned that my children don't want me to have more children. I guess it's nice to know we are all in agreement on this one.
My daughter tonight had a very interesting conversation with me. She asked me how a mother's body knows to develop milk. I told her that it was one of God's gifts. When a mother is pregnant her body develops it, and when the baby grows up, the milk goes away. Then she asked if I had any left. I explained that since she was now six, and hasn't nursed since she was one, that no, I do not have any left. She asked if it would ever come back. I explained that it would only happen if I were to have more children. Then the awkward pause from her, and she says "Oh no, you don't need more children. A baby would bother you." I asked why it would bother me, and she said "It would cry all the time and make you change diapers. You wouldn't like that". I explained that I did it for her, and that diapers are part of life. Then she said "But you have to do homework with us, and the baby would cry and interrupt". Then I explained that I could hold a baby and do homework. She went on to say the baby would poop all over her homework. I explained that a diaper would catch the poop. Then she sighed and said "You just don't need any more kids. You have us. We don't want more kids. We love each other enough and we don't want babies." I smiled and said "Well that's good news because I'm kind of happy with the two I have and I don't think we need more babies either. She beamed. I smiled. She hugged me.
I'm not sure why I played the devil's advocate game. I think I wanted to know if she was thinking I couldn't handle the load of another child (a capacity issue) or if she just didn't want one. (Emotional security/being the baby of the family etc). I think it was the latter.
Interesting how a child's mind thinks. Thank God she didn't ask for another sibling. I'd be up the creek if that happened.
My daughter tonight had a very interesting conversation with me. She asked me how a mother's body knows to develop milk. I told her that it was one of God's gifts. When a mother is pregnant her body develops it, and when the baby grows up, the milk goes away. Then she asked if I had any left. I explained that since she was now six, and hasn't nursed since she was one, that no, I do not have any left. She asked if it would ever come back. I explained that it would only happen if I were to have more children. Then the awkward pause from her, and she says "Oh no, you don't need more children. A baby would bother you." I asked why it would bother me, and she said "It would cry all the time and make you change diapers. You wouldn't like that". I explained that I did it for her, and that diapers are part of life. Then she said "But you have to do homework with us, and the baby would cry and interrupt". Then I explained that I could hold a baby and do homework. She went on to say the baby would poop all over her homework. I explained that a diaper would catch the poop. Then she sighed and said "You just don't need any more kids. You have us. We don't want more kids. We love each other enough and we don't want babies." I smiled and said "Well that's good news because I'm kind of happy with the two I have and I don't think we need more babies either. She beamed. I smiled. She hugged me.
I'm not sure why I played the devil's advocate game. I think I wanted to know if she was thinking I couldn't handle the load of another child (a capacity issue) or if she just didn't want one. (Emotional security/being the baby of the family etc). I think it was the latter.
Interesting how a child's mind thinks. Thank God she didn't ask for another sibling. I'd be up the creek if that happened.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
9 Little Kids
Means one exhausted mother. I will NEVER do that again. I dreaded it, and I was right. As much as I love my children, I cannot explain the amount of fatigue you feel after having them run around your house for 3 hours. I'm ready to pass out.
Aside from my hectic afternoon, I'm finding that I still haven't managed to clear my mental head space. My conversation with my daughter's teacher is still consuming me, and I'm feeling really low at the moment. Kind of hopeless actually. No matter how hard I try, it's not good enough, it's not going to be good enough, and it will only get harder and worse as the children get older. If supposedly this is their best age, and they are in this state, then how will I manage the future?
I'm REALLY concerned about what lies ahead. It's all very hopeless at the moment.
Aside from my hectic afternoon, I'm finding that I still haven't managed to clear my mental head space. My conversation with my daughter's teacher is still consuming me, and I'm feeling really low at the moment. Kind of hopeless actually. No matter how hard I try, it's not good enough, it's not going to be good enough, and it will only get harder and worse as the children get older. If supposedly this is their best age, and they are in this state, then how will I manage the future?
I'm REALLY concerned about what lies ahead. It's all very hopeless at the moment.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Birthday Party Planning
I have my daughter's 6th Birthday party tomorrow. I've tried to keep it very small, and I have only about 8 kids here in total (6 friends plus my two little ones). I'm doing the party at home, and my home is not that large, so I had to keep the number to a minimum. I've learned a few things in this process:
Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).
Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.
I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.
Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.
The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"
When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.
This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.
Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.
As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.
- It is NOT cheaper to do a birthday party at home. You end up running the same cost, and you are ready to pull your hair out as well.
- I am NOT the at-home-birthday-party kind of mom. I will not be doing it again.
- I hate making loot bags.
- I hate wrapping "pass the parcel" gifts a million times. It feels like such a waste.
- I have a headache at the thought of kids running buck wild through the house under my supervision.
Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).
Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.
I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.
Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.
The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"
When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.
This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.
Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.
As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.
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