OK - I know- I'm going to get a million comments on this one. The funny thing is that so many of you pick up the phone and call me to talk about my blog instead of posting a comment! Come on- share your opinions right here...That's the point!
So I have a real beef with all the Muslim women who start wearing their hijaabs (headscarfs) and then somehow miraculously think they are better than the rest of the world. What the heck is the deal with that? I just don't get it. Isn't the whole point to become more pious? Where the heck did the judgmental snobbery come from anyways? I mean, I wore a hijaab for close to 7 years, so I was part of that scarf clique, and you know what? I don't think any of my close friends were guilty of it, but I did see many people at all those Islamic conferences who definitely were. So what's the deal? Does that little piece of cloth in your head give you an easy ticket to heaven or something? How stupid could you women be? Please, loosen the scarves...I think you guys have tied them on a little too tight, and you've obviously blocked the blood circulation to your brains.
I have a cousin who for years wanted to wear the hijaab, and she finally started a few years back. She had to fight with her family to let her make her own choices, etc etc etc. I've been there and done all that, so I'm not really interested in the big drama queen sob story.
The weird thing was, once she started, she developed this massive attitude, like she was better than the rest of the world, like she was going to heaven and everyone else on the planet who was non Muslim or scarf free was destined for hell. What the heck is up with that? Holy change of personality. For the record, it's exactly this type of stupidity that makes the Muslim community look like such a bunch of freaks. I think its the responsibility of the "normal" Muslims to put a stop to this stupidity in our community. I've personally made a point of pointing out people's arrogance in conversations like this, but here's the deal. I just realized this- Since I stopped wearing the hijaab, my opinions don't count. It's like I'm invisible or something. I can almost read everyone's minds when I talk "Oh look the former scarf girl is taking, well, since she's destined for hell, let's ignore her comments, she's obviously not a very good Muslim, so let's ignore what she has to say".
Let me remind all of you that at the end of the day, none of us know who amongst us is truly a good person, and who is not. Having lived my life as a facade for 11 years, I know all too well that all of us are fully capable of hiding what we really are. And yes, while some of you do sport headscarfs, there are many of you who are spending a good chunk of your time backbiting, lying, cheating, etc. So really, kick your arrogant attitudes to the curb. Wake up and smell the Arabian coffee. You people are idiots and if you really think that a piece of cloth alone will fly you to heaven, then really, sooner or later, someone will poke a hole in your delusional scarf views and bring you back to reality.
Let's all cut the crap and ground ourselves. Faith is more than a cloth. It's more than the amount of hairs in your beards, and for the record, the length of your beard if you are a man is not directly proportional to your chances of getting into heaven. The key to being a good person is just that- being a good person. It means respecting others - Muslim or not, hijaab wearers or non wearers. It means ensuring that your disposition, your attitude, your character, and the morals that guide you are worthy of the respect and admiration of those around you. I think we all need to make a better collective effort on this one.
In the meantime, I'm going to refrain from further confrontations with the Muslim community (for the record, I think I'm on a black list somewhere). I think I'll stay away for a little while longer, so I can continue on my ignorant path, unaware of what the community really thinks of me. You know what they say about ignorance being bliss, right?
Saturday, December 31, 2005
New Year's Eve
I'm having a happy moment. The children are visiting their dad, and I'm here at home on my own. The thing that's making me happy is the incredible friends who care about me. I've received many calls this evening asking if I have plans, and what I'm up to. Last year, my ex was out of town in Dubai for several months, so I was with the children pretty much full time, and it was a lot of work, with little or no time to breathe.
This year, the children are with their dad, so I get some space to myself, which can also be nice. Tonight, I got a few calls asking why I was alone on New Year's Eve. Many people asked me to join them. I'm touched. Honestly. But here's the deal- I'm not really much of a party animal. Being a Muslim, I've never had alcohol, never tasted it, so spending the evening at a drink fest is not exactly my cup of tea. Anybody on the planet would be a better dancer than I am, so I'm not much of a dancer either. My idea of a good time is hanging out with some friends...Dinners, movies, etc.
So, to all of you who are incredibly freaked out that the super crazy extrovert is home alone on New Year's Eve, please don't worry about me. I'm not depressed, I don't need an intervention- but I do thank you all for caring.
This evening, I'm on my own by choice. I'm enjoying my solitude. And I'm not sitting in some dark dingy hole in the wall. My place is spotless, I've got the candles lit, a spinach and cheese pasta dinner on the stove, and the music going. I've got my laptop, my Oprah magazines, and I'm ready for a nice evening on my own. For me, this evening is more about reflection than anything else. Let me give you a high level recap.
2004 was a horrible year for me. It was the year my life as I knew it fell apart. My marriage, my home, my faith, my financial stability, my self confidence; everything.
2005 on the other hand was a difficult year, but a wonderful year for me. It was my year of rebuilding, of starting over. I stabilized financially, bought a new home, just bought a new car, spent a great deal of time on helping my children through this, and I spent a fair amount of time on myself. Hey, I even started this blog. That in itself is a huge leap for someone like me. I spent 11 years hiding my life. For me to open up and write about it is a very big deal.
So, this evening, I'm just soaking it in. I'm thanking God for everything, but most of all EVERYONE that I have in my life. I'm amazed at the home that I have, the beautiful children, and the new friends that popped out of the most incredible places. I'm amazed that despite the massive hit my faith has taken, that I was still somehow worthy of so much. I'm incredibly grateful for all of it.
So this is my time to thank everyone. My friends at the office who deal with me with such patience and kindness on a daily basis, my girlfriends who are always checking on me to make sure that I'm ok, my family who's undying and unconditional love for me amazes me now more than ever. And of course my children, who have taught me more about myself than I ever expected, and who have been the guiding light, and ultimately, the real thing that saved me from staying in a very bad marriage. Many people have described children as a noose around a woman's neck in a bad marriage, because even when they want to leave, they can't, because of the children. For me, it was ultimately my children and my love for them that saved me. They weren't a noose at all. In fact, ultimately, they were the beacon of light that showed me the way. I could never stay after they were at risk. And for that, I will be eternally grateful to them.
I don't believe in resolutions like losing 10 lbs, making a new exercise routine, but I am going to make one for myself. My resolution for next year is to continue without wavering on this path. To take myself to where I need to be, and to ensure that 2006 continues to rebuild on the work that I started in 2005. And I know that I will get there, especially with all the wonderful people who are here to support me.
This year, the children are with their dad, so I get some space to myself, which can also be nice. Tonight, I got a few calls asking why I was alone on New Year's Eve. Many people asked me to join them. I'm touched. Honestly. But here's the deal- I'm not really much of a party animal. Being a Muslim, I've never had alcohol, never tasted it, so spending the evening at a drink fest is not exactly my cup of tea. Anybody on the planet would be a better dancer than I am, so I'm not much of a dancer either. My idea of a good time is hanging out with some friends...Dinners, movies, etc.
So, to all of you who are incredibly freaked out that the super crazy extrovert is home alone on New Year's Eve, please don't worry about me. I'm not depressed, I don't need an intervention- but I do thank you all for caring.
This evening, I'm on my own by choice. I'm enjoying my solitude. And I'm not sitting in some dark dingy hole in the wall. My place is spotless, I've got the candles lit, a spinach and cheese pasta dinner on the stove, and the music going. I've got my laptop, my Oprah magazines, and I'm ready for a nice evening on my own. For me, this evening is more about reflection than anything else. Let me give you a high level recap.
2004 was a horrible year for me. It was the year my life as I knew it fell apart. My marriage, my home, my faith, my financial stability, my self confidence; everything.
2005 on the other hand was a difficult year, but a wonderful year for me. It was my year of rebuilding, of starting over. I stabilized financially, bought a new home, just bought a new car, spent a great deal of time on helping my children through this, and I spent a fair amount of time on myself. Hey, I even started this blog. That in itself is a huge leap for someone like me. I spent 11 years hiding my life. For me to open up and write about it is a very big deal.
So, this evening, I'm just soaking it in. I'm thanking God for everything, but most of all EVERYONE that I have in my life. I'm amazed at the home that I have, the beautiful children, and the new friends that popped out of the most incredible places. I'm amazed that despite the massive hit my faith has taken, that I was still somehow worthy of so much. I'm incredibly grateful for all of it.
So this is my time to thank everyone. My friends at the office who deal with me with such patience and kindness on a daily basis, my girlfriends who are always checking on me to make sure that I'm ok, my family who's undying and unconditional love for me amazes me now more than ever. And of course my children, who have taught me more about myself than I ever expected, and who have been the guiding light, and ultimately, the real thing that saved me from staying in a very bad marriage. Many people have described children as a noose around a woman's neck in a bad marriage, because even when they want to leave, they can't, because of the children. For me, it was ultimately my children and my love for them that saved me. They weren't a noose at all. In fact, ultimately, they were the beacon of light that showed me the way. I could never stay after they were at risk. And for that, I will be eternally grateful to them.
I don't believe in resolutions like losing 10 lbs, making a new exercise routine, but I am going to make one for myself. My resolution for next year is to continue without wavering on this path. To take myself to where I need to be, and to ensure that 2006 continues to rebuild on the work that I started in 2005. And I know that I will get there, especially with all the wonderful people who are here to support me.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
The Truth Will Set You Free
I remember as a child I would often hear people tell me about the benefits of honesty, of being truthful, of how telling the truth will set you free. As a child, I thought this meant that you should be honest if you do something bad, because then you won't get in big trouble (or at least you will get in less trouble) for whatever you did wrong.
In my teenage years, I thought the "truth will set you free" referred to the fact that when you start telling a lie, you have to make up more lies to cover the initial lies and so on and so on, until you reach a point where things have snowballed so badly that you can't remember which story you told to whom. The amount of stress you would go through to cover the lies would become so huge that in the end it was no longer worth it. Often, I couldn't remember why I had started the lie in the first place. Fortunately, the past 10 years of practicing my faith grounded me well, and for the most part, I can honestly say that the lies came to an end. I can't say that I never lie, but I can say that it is so seldomly that I can't honestly think of the last time I told one. That's got to be a good sign...I think.
Anyhow, I recently realized another really cool way that the truth has set me free, but I stumbled across it more by accident than anything else. I lived a lie. My marriage was a lie. I spent more time defending it and standing up for it than it was worth. In many ways, it was more like my high school lies where I would say I was going to the library and then go out with friends, only at a bigger level. I deliberately hid the truth from the world, maybe because I didn't want anyone to have the satisfaction of knowing I had made a mistake, maybe because I didn't want anyone to pity me, or to lose respect for me, or perhaps I just thought that if I made it look really good, one day I might even end up believing that it was.
Either way, I had spent an incredible effort over the eleven years of my marriage trying to show it up to be this perfect relationship (I know, and I just said I seldomly lie). This was more like telling parts of the truth, and omitting the other parts. To tell you the truth, the story 'told' really well. High school sweethearts, married despite cultural issues, both did their MBAs together, suffered through financial hardships to put themselves through school (how honorable), active in their community (relatively speaking), and had these 2 beautiful children, this nice home in Markham, and these great careers. It all sounded well and good on the outside, the issue is that the story was different on the inside.
The truth of what my marriage really was never came out, as I never shared it with anyone, and of course, neither did he. The bad thing was, the more I played up the good parts, the more difficult it became to admit to the bad ones. Eleven years later, it was almost impossible. I mean, even after I did leave, I had these shocked comments like "You guys are splitting up? But you're the perfect couple". Another person from our community said "Come on- you're this community's Hollywood couple, you can't split up". I couldn't resist but retort that if we really were a 'Hollywood Couple', it was rather fitting that we split up. Salty, I know, but hey- we all have our breaking points.
Anyhow, the funny thing is, on June 9th, 2004, when I left, I left because things had gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. They were so bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything had affected my health, my mental stability (stress attacks), and the physical well being of my children. I had to leave. But even as I left that night, even as I drove to my parents home, I kept asking myself if I would go back. It was, after all, just 3 weeks before my sister's wedding. I certainly couldn't ruin the wedding by letting everyone know that I was in the middle of marital issues. I would have the social pressure from the community that would force me to go back home, to save face, especially with the upcoming wedding. Those of you from the Indian community know what I'm talking about, and understand it all too well.
I did tell three of my girlfriends the truth immediately after I left. Those three have supported me to this very day. Those three insisted that I don't even contemplate going back; that I move on and face things, no matter what that would mean. But even as I promised them that I wouldn't go back, in my heart, I knew I would probably have to, for the sake of my family's reputation, and for the sake of my sister's wedding.
That's when the best thing happened. At the time, I thought it was the worst thing in the world. I thought I was finished, that I would never be able to face the world again, but in the end, it turned out to be the thing that saved me. My ex told everyone in our community that I had left him. He went to people's homes, he phoned people, he dragged my name through every gossip conversation in town. I know what he was trying to do- he was trying to get the community to coerce me into going home. And they tried and tried...But they failed. You see, the truth is what set me free. The more he opened up to people, the more I had to admit to things. He was the one who shattered the shiny glass house that I had built and protected for 11 years. And as all of it came crashing down (during my sister's wedding), I finally had the opportunity to run and take shelter from everything. I no longer had to cover a lie. I no longer had to protect the marriage. I no longer had to be ashamed for failing at marriage. I was free.
It's funny how things turn out. I'm in a space now where I have been more honest and sincere with myself and those around me, and people see the difference. I've never talked about my personal life with friends, with colleagues, with anyone before, and I know it's not always the wisest thing to do, but I feel that I need to. I know myself, and if I ever get back into the space where I am building up illusions, I'm the only one who will get hurt. For my own sake, I need to be happy with what I have and where I am, including its downfalls. And you know what? It's pretty incredible. I don't think I've ever experienced contentment before in my life. It's always either been up or down. The past 6 months have been the first time that I can honestly say that I am content. Not overly happy, but not sad or depressed either. Yes- life has its ups and downs, but I'm enjoying it, and that's a first. Maybe it's because there are very few illusions left in the world I'm living in. There's no shiny glass house, but there's a really solid foundation for a new one, and I'm loving it. Funny- for me, this redefines the meaning of "the truth will set you free". Here's to living life with honesty, integrity, and truthfulness.
In my teenage years, I thought the "truth will set you free" referred to the fact that when you start telling a lie, you have to make up more lies to cover the initial lies and so on and so on, until you reach a point where things have snowballed so badly that you can't remember which story you told to whom. The amount of stress you would go through to cover the lies would become so huge that in the end it was no longer worth it. Often, I couldn't remember why I had started the lie in the first place. Fortunately, the past 10 years of practicing my faith grounded me well, and for the most part, I can honestly say that the lies came to an end. I can't say that I never lie, but I can say that it is so seldomly that I can't honestly think of the last time I told one. That's got to be a good sign...I think.
Anyhow, I recently realized another really cool way that the truth has set me free, but I stumbled across it more by accident than anything else. I lived a lie. My marriage was a lie. I spent more time defending it and standing up for it than it was worth. In many ways, it was more like my high school lies where I would say I was going to the library and then go out with friends, only at a bigger level. I deliberately hid the truth from the world, maybe because I didn't want anyone to have the satisfaction of knowing I had made a mistake, maybe because I didn't want anyone to pity me, or to lose respect for me, or perhaps I just thought that if I made it look really good, one day I might even end up believing that it was.
Either way, I had spent an incredible effort over the eleven years of my marriage trying to show it up to be this perfect relationship (I know, and I just said I seldomly lie). This was more like telling parts of the truth, and omitting the other parts. To tell you the truth, the story 'told' really well. High school sweethearts, married despite cultural issues, both did their MBAs together, suffered through financial hardships to put themselves through school (how honorable), active in their community (relatively speaking), and had these 2 beautiful children, this nice home in Markham, and these great careers. It all sounded well and good on the outside, the issue is that the story was different on the inside.
The truth of what my marriage really was never came out, as I never shared it with anyone, and of course, neither did he. The bad thing was, the more I played up the good parts, the more difficult it became to admit to the bad ones. Eleven years later, it was almost impossible. I mean, even after I did leave, I had these shocked comments like "You guys are splitting up? But you're the perfect couple". Another person from our community said "Come on- you're this community's Hollywood couple, you can't split up". I couldn't resist but retort that if we really were a 'Hollywood Couple', it was rather fitting that we split up. Salty, I know, but hey- we all have our breaking points.
Anyhow, the funny thing is, on June 9th, 2004, when I left, I left because things had gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. They were so bad that I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything had affected my health, my mental stability (stress attacks), and the physical well being of my children. I had to leave. But even as I left that night, even as I drove to my parents home, I kept asking myself if I would go back. It was, after all, just 3 weeks before my sister's wedding. I certainly couldn't ruin the wedding by letting everyone know that I was in the middle of marital issues. I would have the social pressure from the community that would force me to go back home, to save face, especially with the upcoming wedding. Those of you from the Indian community know what I'm talking about, and understand it all too well.
I did tell three of my girlfriends the truth immediately after I left. Those three have supported me to this very day. Those three insisted that I don't even contemplate going back; that I move on and face things, no matter what that would mean. But even as I promised them that I wouldn't go back, in my heart, I knew I would probably have to, for the sake of my family's reputation, and for the sake of my sister's wedding.
That's when the best thing happened. At the time, I thought it was the worst thing in the world. I thought I was finished, that I would never be able to face the world again, but in the end, it turned out to be the thing that saved me. My ex told everyone in our community that I had left him. He went to people's homes, he phoned people, he dragged my name through every gossip conversation in town. I know what he was trying to do- he was trying to get the community to coerce me into going home. And they tried and tried...But they failed. You see, the truth is what set me free. The more he opened up to people, the more I had to admit to things. He was the one who shattered the shiny glass house that I had built and protected for 11 years. And as all of it came crashing down (during my sister's wedding), I finally had the opportunity to run and take shelter from everything. I no longer had to cover a lie. I no longer had to protect the marriage. I no longer had to be ashamed for failing at marriage. I was free.
It's funny how things turn out. I'm in a space now where I have been more honest and sincere with myself and those around me, and people see the difference. I've never talked about my personal life with friends, with colleagues, with anyone before, and I know it's not always the wisest thing to do, but I feel that I need to. I know myself, and if I ever get back into the space where I am building up illusions, I'm the only one who will get hurt. For my own sake, I need to be happy with what I have and where I am, including its downfalls. And you know what? It's pretty incredible. I don't think I've ever experienced contentment before in my life. It's always either been up or down. The past 6 months have been the first time that I can honestly say that I am content. Not overly happy, but not sad or depressed either. Yes- life has its ups and downs, but I'm enjoying it, and that's a first. Maybe it's because there are very few illusions left in the world I'm living in. There's no shiny glass house, but there's a really solid foundation for a new one, and I'm loving it. Funny- for me, this redefines the meaning of "the truth will set you free". Here's to living life with honesty, integrity, and truthfulness.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
At Home with 3 Kids
My friend had to work and had some last minute daycare complications, so I suggested that she drop her son off at my place instead of sweating it. I had other plans with the children and a girlfriend of mine, but I've moved them to tomorrow. Besides, the children are having a blast, so its all good.
I also actually like the dynamics of having my children's friends over. It makes my children feel even more like this is their home, when they are allowed to have their playfriends over and they are allowed to spend the day doing whatever they wish in their space. Either way, I don't mind at all. I can hear them laughing downstairs as I'm typing away, and at one point, I heard a little mini argument. And then I heard my son say- well if we go up and tell mom, she will just take the toy away and nobody will get it, so let's take turns before that happens. Then I heard a "yeah" from my daughter and their friend and now its laughter and play again. I love it when children learn to settle their own scores. It makes life so much easier for everyone.
As for me, I'm just going to spend the day going through my 'to do' list. I have to clean out my God forsaken closet, and I'm going to give away all the stuff I don't wear anymore...Then I can have closet space for new stuff (kidding), but at least it won't feel so disorganized.
An interesting dynamic I've noticed with my daughter. When she's with little girls, she is the girliest thing on the planet, but when she's playing with boys (like today), she can get right in there and hold her own. I think she's like me. My friends always joked around about how I was either a typical girl or just one of the boys. True. I see it in my daughter too. Not commenting on whether it's good or bad, it's just an observation.
Anyhow, I'm off. I've been beckoned to put together the hot wheels mega crash racing track set. The thing has instructions so long I think it was deliberately some child hating person's revenge on parents. I have no idea who comes up with these toys, but really, please sell them assembled. Some of us don't have the patience for this garbage. I find myself cursing when I'm assembling furniture...Must it be the same when assembling a child's toys?
I also actually like the dynamics of having my children's friends over. It makes my children feel even more like this is their home, when they are allowed to have their playfriends over and they are allowed to spend the day doing whatever they wish in their space. Either way, I don't mind at all. I can hear them laughing downstairs as I'm typing away, and at one point, I heard a little mini argument. And then I heard my son say- well if we go up and tell mom, she will just take the toy away and nobody will get it, so let's take turns before that happens. Then I heard a "yeah" from my daughter and their friend and now its laughter and play again. I love it when children learn to settle their own scores. It makes life so much easier for everyone.
As for me, I'm just going to spend the day going through my 'to do' list. I have to clean out my God forsaken closet, and I'm going to give away all the stuff I don't wear anymore...Then I can have closet space for new stuff (kidding), but at least it won't feel so disorganized.
An interesting dynamic I've noticed with my daughter. When she's with little girls, she is the girliest thing on the planet, but when she's playing with boys (like today), she can get right in there and hold her own. I think she's like me. My friends always joked around about how I was either a typical girl or just one of the boys. True. I see it in my daughter too. Not commenting on whether it's good or bad, it's just an observation.
Anyhow, I'm off. I've been beckoned to put together the hot wheels mega crash racing track set. The thing has instructions so long I think it was deliberately some child hating person's revenge on parents. I have no idea who comes up with these toys, but really, please sell them assembled. Some of us don't have the patience for this garbage. I find myself cursing when I'm assembling furniture...Must it be the same when assembling a child's toys?
Monday, December 26, 2005
Boxing Day
I LOVE boxing day. For a shopaholic like me, it's even better than any day of the year. I LOVE it. I think my mom's custom of dragging us out of bed at 6am has totally rubbed off onto me, cuz I still do it, every year without fail. I wait until boxing day to buy all the stuff I need, and I love the shopping. I hate the crowds, but see, at 7am the day after Christmas, very few freaks actually hit the mall. By the time my mom and I are finished, every one else is coming in, so I avoid the crowds, and love the shopping.
I know that most people don't think you get much on boxing day, but see, I love the shopping, and I can scope out any deal. So the thing is, for someone who winds down by shopping as a hobby, this is a total wind down day. I LOVE it.
So I just got home from my parents, and now I have to deal with the part I hate. Sorting out all those bags on the floor. I wish I had someone to do that part for me. Too bad spas aren't open late on boxing day. A whole day of shopping followed by a whole evening at the spa would be complete heaven for me. Either way, I'm still a happy camper.
Well, it's been 3 days and I haven't turned on the blackberry yet. The thought has crossed my mind, but hell with it...I'm going to pre-occupy myself with other stuff, like shopping. :-)
We have a family birthday party for my son tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to the gathering. It should be nice. Let's see how that goes. As for me, I'm enjoying the evening in tonight, and the solitude. The children are with their father, and they will be coming home tomorrow morning.
I keep calling them several times a day. My ex just went back on the meds, so I don't entirely trust the situation. That being said, very little is in my control, so all I can do is make some excuse or another to keep checking in, and to minimize the time he spends with them over the next week, while the meds kick in. I've "innocently" asked him to let me spend extra time with the children this week, and he reluctantly agreed. So he will only have been with them for a 24 hour stretch when I get them back tomorrow morning. At this point, that seems to be the best I can do. But like I said, I do keep calling every few hours to check in. I feel like a total stalker, but I'm not even going to apologize, I'm a mother and I'm doing what I need to do. I know what can happen if I'm not extra careful, so I'm taking all the precautions that I can. By next week, everything should be fine, so I'm hoping for that. Let's hope all remains stable until then. I know...it sounds scary. Trust me. It IS scary. This is the life I left. Thank God I only have to deal with it in small doses now.
I know that most people don't think you get much on boxing day, but see, I love the shopping, and I can scope out any deal. So the thing is, for someone who winds down by shopping as a hobby, this is a total wind down day. I LOVE it.
So I just got home from my parents, and now I have to deal with the part I hate. Sorting out all those bags on the floor. I wish I had someone to do that part for me. Too bad spas aren't open late on boxing day. A whole day of shopping followed by a whole evening at the spa would be complete heaven for me. Either way, I'm still a happy camper.
Well, it's been 3 days and I haven't turned on the blackberry yet. The thought has crossed my mind, but hell with it...I'm going to pre-occupy myself with other stuff, like shopping. :-)
We have a family birthday party for my son tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to the gathering. It should be nice. Let's see how that goes. As for me, I'm enjoying the evening in tonight, and the solitude. The children are with their father, and they will be coming home tomorrow morning.
I keep calling them several times a day. My ex just went back on the meds, so I don't entirely trust the situation. That being said, very little is in my control, so all I can do is make some excuse or another to keep checking in, and to minimize the time he spends with them over the next week, while the meds kick in. I've "innocently" asked him to let me spend extra time with the children this week, and he reluctantly agreed. So he will only have been with them for a 24 hour stretch when I get them back tomorrow morning. At this point, that seems to be the best I can do. But like I said, I do keep calling every few hours to check in. I feel like a total stalker, but I'm not even going to apologize, I'm a mother and I'm doing what I need to do. I know what can happen if I'm not extra careful, so I'm taking all the precautions that I can. By next week, everything should be fine, so I'm hoping for that. Let's hope all remains stable until then. I know...it sounds scary. Trust me. It IS scary. This is the life I left. Thank God I only have to deal with it in small doses now.
Christmas Day
Today was fun. I spent the whole day with the children. We played board games, read books, talked, laughed and spent the day together, no TV. In the evening, we went to my sister's place for Turkey dinner. It was a nice evening, and the children seemed to be enjoying themselves. I'm looking forward to the next two weeks with them.
Yesterday was my son's 6th Birthday. I cannot believe that it was 6 years ago that this awesome child was born. Every day that goes by, he makes my heart melt just a little more. I know that one day, he will stop being as cuddly and affectionate as he is now, but I hope that day holds off just a few more years. I'm really loving this stage of his childhood, and I think it's helping me through all of this- to have Mr. Adorable wake me up with little kisses in the morning, telling me that I'm the best person in the whole world. Who can want anything more than that?
For his birthday, we spent the day with some friends. She was really nice, baked him a cake and everything, and he had a great time at their place. It's funny- we focus on the big commercial parties, but at the end of the day, kids just want to have fun...And they don't really care how that happens. Anyhow, we had a nice time, and he's really proud to be 6. He says that he's a grown up now. It's seriously hilarious and I find it hard to control my laughter, but I'm trying to keep it in as I nod in agreement as he talks. I explained that he's getting there, but I don't think he quite understands what that means just yet.
On another note, I spoke with my ex last night about the divorce papers. It seems that he doesn't want us to file just yet. This coupled with his recent episode with the meds concerns me. I just want things to be final. I almost feel that if we can finalize things at last, then I can relax just a bit around him. Right now, I just feel like I can't be myself, because I always have to be on guard. Maybe its better this way. Maybe being on guard is a good thing. I don't know. Either way, dragging this on just isn't a good thing.
On the car front, it turns out that I had to get a new car. That totally bites, because I really wasn't prepared for the expense just yet. I guess these things can't always be planned. I've ordered the 2006 newly redesigned Civic. It's a reliable car and will get me to where I need to go without breaking down. Not the Volvo S40 I originally wanted, but I'm grateful to have anything at this point, and it's new, so I don't need to be afraid of it breaking down. And its a Honda, so driving around will cost me like 20 cents in gas. That's a bonus. The car was launched last month and its on backorder. They said they don't know when it will arrive, but it should arrive by Feb 7th. I know...That's insane. But I'm driving my sister in law's car for the time being, so I'll have to figure something out for Jan 7-Feb 7 as she's gonna need her car back. Maybe I can rent an S40 for a month...Ok- I'm kidding. :-)
Yesterday was my son's 6th Birthday. I cannot believe that it was 6 years ago that this awesome child was born. Every day that goes by, he makes my heart melt just a little more. I know that one day, he will stop being as cuddly and affectionate as he is now, but I hope that day holds off just a few more years. I'm really loving this stage of his childhood, and I think it's helping me through all of this- to have Mr. Adorable wake me up with little kisses in the morning, telling me that I'm the best person in the whole world. Who can want anything more than that?
For his birthday, we spent the day with some friends. She was really nice, baked him a cake and everything, and he had a great time at their place. It's funny- we focus on the big commercial parties, but at the end of the day, kids just want to have fun...And they don't really care how that happens. Anyhow, we had a nice time, and he's really proud to be 6. He says that he's a grown up now. It's seriously hilarious and I find it hard to control my laughter, but I'm trying to keep it in as I nod in agreement as he talks. I explained that he's getting there, but I don't think he quite understands what that means just yet.
On another note, I spoke with my ex last night about the divorce papers. It seems that he doesn't want us to file just yet. This coupled with his recent episode with the meds concerns me. I just want things to be final. I almost feel that if we can finalize things at last, then I can relax just a bit around him. Right now, I just feel like I can't be myself, because I always have to be on guard. Maybe its better this way. Maybe being on guard is a good thing. I don't know. Either way, dragging this on just isn't a good thing.
On the car front, it turns out that I had to get a new car. That totally bites, because I really wasn't prepared for the expense just yet. I guess these things can't always be planned. I've ordered the 2006 newly redesigned Civic. It's a reliable car and will get me to where I need to go without breaking down. Not the Volvo S40 I originally wanted, but I'm grateful to have anything at this point, and it's new, so I don't need to be afraid of it breaking down. And its a Honda, so driving around will cost me like 20 cents in gas. That's a bonus. The car was launched last month and its on backorder. They said they don't know when it will arrive, but it should arrive by Feb 7th. I know...That's insane. But I'm driving my sister in law's car for the time being, so I'll have to figure something out for Jan 7-Feb 7 as she's gonna need her car back. Maybe I can rent an S40 for a month...Ok- I'm kidding. :-)
Friday, December 23, 2005
The Holidays
A sigh of relief. I just put the out of office on my email which means I can live in a different zone until Jan 9th. I'm going to give it another go at trying to park the blackberry. I know I'm horrible at this, but that means there is lots of opportunity for improvement. I've already told the office that although they have my home number from before, they can call me in case of a massive emergency only, and yes, that means avoid calling me. That's a first for me, so let's see how it goes.
As for holiday plans, I plan on not planning. I have some ideas around what I can do with the children- Chuck E Cheese, the movies, watching TV with a big blanket at home, I bought some puzzles, and some new games, and I thought a trip to the toy store will be in order in honor of my son's 6th birthday tomorrow (yes, he's born on Christmas Eve). Makes the Christmas season that much more eventful for a Muslim family. :-)
He actually got smart this year. He's asked me not to have a birthday party and to give him extra money and a trip to the Toy Store instead. I think he's onto something...I think I'm going to do it...He will get some neat stuff and I will avoid the party planning. Everyone wins.
As for me, I'm hoping to sleep in, live in eyeglasses and track pants, and to do some odd chores around the house. I'm really looking forward to it. I needed a good break. Bless my boss for making me do this. He basically told me that this is the only time in the year where you get a free ticket not to reply to emails and to be, well a bit relaxed and somewhat incompetent if need be. He's right. He all but made me take the time off, and I think he's awesome for looking out for me. I love my office friends- I work with a pretty neat bunch of people. I'll be re-iterating that especially if two weeks from now, I go back to the office without having received a call from anyone. :-)
As for holiday plans, I plan on not planning. I have some ideas around what I can do with the children- Chuck E Cheese, the movies, watching TV with a big blanket at home, I bought some puzzles, and some new games, and I thought a trip to the toy store will be in order in honor of my son's 6th birthday tomorrow (yes, he's born on Christmas Eve). Makes the Christmas season that much more eventful for a Muslim family. :-)
He actually got smart this year. He's asked me not to have a birthday party and to give him extra money and a trip to the Toy Store instead. I think he's onto something...I think I'm going to do it...He will get some neat stuff and I will avoid the party planning. Everyone wins.
As for me, I'm hoping to sleep in, live in eyeglasses and track pants, and to do some odd chores around the house. I'm really looking forward to it. I needed a good break. Bless my boss for making me do this. He basically told me that this is the only time in the year where you get a free ticket not to reply to emails and to be, well a bit relaxed and somewhat incompetent if need be. He's right. He all but made me take the time off, and I think he's awesome for looking out for me. I love my office friends- I work with a pretty neat bunch of people. I'll be re-iterating that especially if two weeks from now, I go back to the office without having received a call from anyone. :-)
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
My Suspicions
I've recently noticed my ex acting all weird again. It's really really disturbing and disappointing all at the same time. I had a hard time leaving him because I was afraid he wouldn't stay on the meds unless I was always around to keep an eye on him. When things finally got really bad, I left, as I realized that I couldn't take the responsibility of making him stay on his meds. After all, at the end of the day, I have very little control over whether or not a grown man stays on his meds. All I can control is the safety and well being of myself and my children. I know it sounds shallow, but it took me 11 years to come to this decision, and there is nothing shallow about it. You weren't there they day I left. You have no clue what that was like.
Anyhow, I've lived with him for 11 years. I know the signs of his instability all so well. Over the past 2 weeks, I saw them resurface. That has been incredibly draining, and very scary all at the same time. Imagine what life is like when you are trying to deal with a routine with two very young children, a demanding job, and then to watch all this happen with your ex in the sidelines. An ex, who lives a two minute walk from your house.
So, two weeks ago, my ex had a run in with a couple of teachers at the school. I received a phone call the next day explaining the situation. Honestly, it's like I have 3 children, and he's the delinquent one. Very tiring. Then I had to deal with a series of very weird mood swings, followed by accusations that I was probably messing around with some guy while he has the children on weekends. This of course is completely ridiculous, completely not true, and very draining to drain with. Either way, I know this pattern all too well. I lived with it for 11 years. So, I decided on Monday morning to call the drug company.
On Monday, I called my drug company to get a history on prescriptions filled on my account since April. Yes, he's still covered on my health plan. Don't ask, we are still technically married. Sure enough, the lady confirmed that the last time his meds were filled was in APRIL. It was a 6 month prescription which would mean he ran out of his meds around October. This was really scary. I confronted him, he denied it, and then he admitted it. Said he felt fine, like he didn't need the meds, so he decided not to take them anymore. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This isn't stuff to fool around with. The meds are very specific, you can't just stop taking them. If a person is ever to be taken off, they are dosed off in tiny doses reduced over a period of 2-4 months. Going off them cold turkey like that is, well, lethal. Which would explain the behavior I've been seeing lately. Many conversations and late mornings into the office later, I've convinced him to go back on the meds.
This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is exactly what the doctors warned me about. I don't want to have to be playing the spy role for the rest of my life, and then again, I want him to be healthy and well. He is the father of these children and his mental health is directly proportionate to their mental well being. Which is why I continue to get involved in this mix.
It's been a sad week too. This setback for my ex makes me feel bad. It's such a sad situation. He's all alone and the only person left to care is an ex wife who wants to start her life over. The children love him to death but if he keeps this up, he won't be able to be around them, for their own safety. It's like a vicious cycle that won't end. Dr. Clive says that my decision was the right one. He said that coming home that day June 9, 2004 to find that he had almost choked my son, that was enough to tell me that I did the right thing. I mean, what if he had choked just a like harder or longer? It gives me shivers to think of what that could have meant. Women are funny creatures aren't we? We can tolerate a great deal if we are the victims, but never if it's the children. NEVER. It took me 11 years to leave, and when I finally did, it was because of my children. Life is odd, isn't it?
So anyhow, I sit here, 9pm, very tired from this week's events, and the week has just started. I am amazed that I can hold it together at the office, amazed that nobody knows the crap I deal with when I go home. Amazed that I was only 15 minutes late for my meeting on Monday morning, when it could have easily been later. I saw the looks I got when I walked in...they probably think I'm some lazy butt who was sleeping or incompetent or something. Little do they know...I wonder how long I will hold this balance together before something gives? I wonder how long before someone at work notices that I have alot on my place both at work and at home. I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I will be able to sleep a full night and actually get rest without a million items in my to do list going through my head and without the need for some sort of sleeping pill or another to help me sleep. I wonder when or if I'll ever be free from this history and this past. Maybe if he re-marries? Maybe then I will have some freedom from this? I wonder when that will be?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I know I'm blessed. I know very few women get to leave a rough marriage let alone get to have a new home for their children. I know. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. It's just that some days I feel so tired and drained that I just want to know when the real stability will come. When will I be comfortable with this arrangement? When will I feel safe again? When will I be able to trust people again? Or will I? I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life always looking over my shoulder. That's what my experiences have taught me. Trust, but always from a distance...
Either way, I keep reminding myself that overall, I am reaching the end goal. I remember what Dr. Clive told me about the crab. Back and forth, side to side, but eventually, I will reach my destination. I guess this week was the few steps back. Let's just hope he goes back on the meds and stabilizes. In the meantime. I've decided to take some time off over the holidays. Time to rest....to take my mind off of work and to see if I can recharge. Let's just hope I can make it through the rest of the week.
Anyhow, I've lived with him for 11 years. I know the signs of his instability all so well. Over the past 2 weeks, I saw them resurface. That has been incredibly draining, and very scary all at the same time. Imagine what life is like when you are trying to deal with a routine with two very young children, a demanding job, and then to watch all this happen with your ex in the sidelines. An ex, who lives a two minute walk from your house.
So, two weeks ago, my ex had a run in with a couple of teachers at the school. I received a phone call the next day explaining the situation. Honestly, it's like I have 3 children, and he's the delinquent one. Very tiring. Then I had to deal with a series of very weird mood swings, followed by accusations that I was probably messing around with some guy while he has the children on weekends. This of course is completely ridiculous, completely not true, and very draining to drain with. Either way, I know this pattern all too well. I lived with it for 11 years. So, I decided on Monday morning to call the drug company.
On Monday, I called my drug company to get a history on prescriptions filled on my account since April. Yes, he's still covered on my health plan. Don't ask, we are still technically married. Sure enough, the lady confirmed that the last time his meds were filled was in APRIL. It was a 6 month prescription which would mean he ran out of his meds around October. This was really scary. I confronted him, he denied it, and then he admitted it. Said he felt fine, like he didn't need the meds, so he decided not to take them anymore. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This isn't stuff to fool around with. The meds are very specific, you can't just stop taking them. If a person is ever to be taken off, they are dosed off in tiny doses reduced over a period of 2-4 months. Going off them cold turkey like that is, well, lethal. Which would explain the behavior I've been seeing lately. Many conversations and late mornings into the office later, I've convinced him to go back on the meds.
This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is exactly what the doctors warned me about. I don't want to have to be playing the spy role for the rest of my life, and then again, I want him to be healthy and well. He is the father of these children and his mental health is directly proportionate to their mental well being. Which is why I continue to get involved in this mix.
It's been a sad week too. This setback for my ex makes me feel bad. It's such a sad situation. He's all alone and the only person left to care is an ex wife who wants to start her life over. The children love him to death but if he keeps this up, he won't be able to be around them, for their own safety. It's like a vicious cycle that won't end. Dr. Clive says that my decision was the right one. He said that coming home that day June 9, 2004 to find that he had almost choked my son, that was enough to tell me that I did the right thing. I mean, what if he had choked just a like harder or longer? It gives me shivers to think of what that could have meant. Women are funny creatures aren't we? We can tolerate a great deal if we are the victims, but never if it's the children. NEVER. It took me 11 years to leave, and when I finally did, it was because of my children. Life is odd, isn't it?
So anyhow, I sit here, 9pm, very tired from this week's events, and the week has just started. I am amazed that I can hold it together at the office, amazed that nobody knows the crap I deal with when I go home. Amazed that I was only 15 minutes late for my meeting on Monday morning, when it could have easily been later. I saw the looks I got when I walked in...they probably think I'm some lazy butt who was sleeping or incompetent or something. Little do they know...I wonder how long I will hold this balance together before something gives? I wonder how long before someone at work notices that I have alot on my place both at work and at home. I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where I will be able to sleep a full night and actually get rest without a million items in my to do list going through my head and without the need for some sort of sleeping pill or another to help me sleep. I wonder when or if I'll ever be free from this history and this past. Maybe if he re-marries? Maybe then I will have some freedom from this? I wonder when that will be?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I know I'm blessed. I know very few women get to leave a rough marriage let alone get to have a new home for their children. I know. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. It's just that some days I feel so tired and drained that I just want to know when the real stability will come. When will I be comfortable with this arrangement? When will I feel safe again? When will I be able to trust people again? Or will I? I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life always looking over my shoulder. That's what my experiences have taught me. Trust, but always from a distance...
Either way, I keep reminding myself that overall, I am reaching the end goal. I remember what Dr. Clive told me about the crab. Back and forth, side to side, but eventually, I will reach my destination. I guess this week was the few steps back. Let's just hope he goes back on the meds and stabilizes. In the meantime. I've decided to take some time off over the holidays. Time to rest....to take my mind off of work and to see if I can recharge. Let's just hope I can make it through the rest of the week.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
The Diva Dinner
My younger sister amazes me. I just got home from a little dinner party at her place (out in bloody Pickering- halfway across the world). It was a really nice evening. She had invited 4 of her friends (5 of us in total) over for dinner. The attire was semi-formal, and dinner was, well, very formal. It was fun. It was really nice. And what amazes me is my sister's ability to pull it off, and even more, how incredibly different the two of us can be.
You see, my sister is a mini Martha Stewart. She loves to decorate, loves to do the formal dinner party thing with everything set to perfection- the table, the candles, the flatware, the meal. She had this dinner table setup with raw silk placemats and dinner napkins laced with crystal beads and candles at the table and crystal glasses and silverware etc. Everything was awesome, and it was really nice to have a formal dinner like that with girlfriends for no other reason, than well, just because.
The difference between us is that it would be waaaay too much trouble for me to do all that. Maybe it's the children factor, or maybe it's just the personality difference. Either way, I know that unless it was a formal occasion, I wouldn't go to the trouble, but I also know that her amazing ability to do it just to have fun and not to wait for an excuse really impresses me. It's like this little part of her that says "hey, live a little". Really really neat. The funny thing is, she actually had to tell me to make sure I didn't show up in my jeans. It's hilarious because most people in my office probably don't even think I OWN a pair of jeans, yet my sis knows me well enough to know any moment spent out of the office will be spent in jeans if I can help it.
Either way, it was nice. My sister's ability to put together such an immaculate evening was impressive, and inspiring all at the same time. I admire her. She has these little hobbies that bring her great pleasure and she sticks to them. She's creative and giving. Who else would call a bunch of friends over and work that hard just to see everyone hang out and have a formal event for no other reason than to be able to toast "to being divas". Very adorable, very chic, and definitely very inspiring.
You see, my sister is a mini Martha Stewart. She loves to decorate, loves to do the formal dinner party thing with everything set to perfection- the table, the candles, the flatware, the meal. She had this dinner table setup with raw silk placemats and dinner napkins laced with crystal beads and candles at the table and crystal glasses and silverware etc. Everything was awesome, and it was really nice to have a formal dinner like that with girlfriends for no other reason, than well, just because.
The difference between us is that it would be waaaay too much trouble for me to do all that. Maybe it's the children factor, or maybe it's just the personality difference. Either way, I know that unless it was a formal occasion, I wouldn't go to the trouble, but I also know that her amazing ability to do it just to have fun and not to wait for an excuse really impresses me. It's like this little part of her that says "hey, live a little". Really really neat. The funny thing is, she actually had to tell me to make sure I didn't show up in my jeans. It's hilarious because most people in my office probably don't even think I OWN a pair of jeans, yet my sis knows me well enough to know any moment spent out of the office will be spent in jeans if I can help it.
Either way, it was nice. My sister's ability to put together such an immaculate evening was impressive, and inspiring all at the same time. I admire her. She has these little hobbies that bring her great pleasure and she sticks to them. She's creative and giving. Who else would call a bunch of friends over and work that hard just to see everyone hang out and have a formal event for no other reason than to be able to toast "to being divas". Very adorable, very chic, and definitely very inspiring.
Friday, December 16, 2005
How Much Should you Reveal?
This is probably the #1 question that I need to answer right now. It's key to my personal healing and yet, nobody has a firm answer. Many people have told me that to move on, I have to be able to talk about what I went through without feeling defensive, like I need to state my case and justify myself to the world. Trust me, I've come a LONG way. While I am generally a very open and extroverted person, I have also spent a good part of my life holding back. I've kept my entire history and those insane deep dark secrets all to myself. I'm told that I need to shake that and talk. I actually feel that I've said more in this blog than I have in my whole life, and then again, I really haven't said that much at all. Part of me thinks I'm better off writing a book, dumping the whole story at once, and then deciding what to do with it. The other part thinks maybe an online journal (which is basically what this is for me), is better because I get to say it in pieces, little by little.
At what point have you said too much? At what point will people judge you for what you think, feel, or for what you have allowed yourself to experience? That's the big question. It's basically this...Once you've told your story, you can't un-tell it. It's out there. And what if you can no longer show your face with dignity afterwards? What if people judge you for it, or lose respect for you? What if people look at me and say "wow- we always thought she was a strong, independent woman, but really- she's incredibly pathetic". WHAT IF?
I mean, this can go either way, right? So I wait. I wait to see what I should do. Shut down this blog, or write a book (given, I'm not the most fabulous writer in the world, but I'm sure there are editors for that sort of thing). And then, what happens if I write the book? Then it's an even BIGGER audience...Then what?
A colleague that I worked with a while back wrote a book. Her story was similar to mine, but very different at the same time. I could actually relate to her book, because I've been through some of it, and then again, none of it at all. My other colleagues that know her and talk of her story talk of her courage to move on, and what she went through. I actually admire her for her courage as well. And her example would have led me to do the same, except this one day when this one person came up to me, pointed to this colleague and said, "Man, have you heard what she went through? That is so MESSED UP".
Messed up. Wow. The woman went through hell in a handbasket and sacrificed everything for her children, yet because of her nutty husband and the crap she went through, SHE was messed up. It just doesn't make any sense to me. But that is exactly what scares me. At the end of the day, the judgment fell on her, not on her husband or anything else, on her. And since it came from a co-worker, it would probably carry through and impact everything- undermine her opinions, her presentations at work, anything, because after all, SHE was messed up.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is my biggest fear. That in the process of trying to heal and move on, I might unknowingly undermine the one stability I've actually had for years....My career. So what to do, what to do? The dilemma continues...
At what point have you said too much? At what point will people judge you for what you think, feel, or for what you have allowed yourself to experience? That's the big question. It's basically this...Once you've told your story, you can't un-tell it. It's out there. And what if you can no longer show your face with dignity afterwards? What if people judge you for it, or lose respect for you? What if people look at me and say "wow- we always thought she was a strong, independent woman, but really- she's incredibly pathetic". WHAT IF?
I mean, this can go either way, right? So I wait. I wait to see what I should do. Shut down this blog, or write a book (given, I'm not the most fabulous writer in the world, but I'm sure there are editors for that sort of thing). And then, what happens if I write the book? Then it's an even BIGGER audience...Then what?
A colleague that I worked with a while back wrote a book. Her story was similar to mine, but very different at the same time. I could actually relate to her book, because I've been through some of it, and then again, none of it at all. My other colleagues that know her and talk of her story talk of her courage to move on, and what she went through. I actually admire her for her courage as well. And her example would have led me to do the same, except this one day when this one person came up to me, pointed to this colleague and said, "Man, have you heard what she went through? That is so MESSED UP".
Messed up. Wow. The woman went through hell in a handbasket and sacrificed everything for her children, yet because of her nutty husband and the crap she went through, SHE was messed up. It just doesn't make any sense to me. But that is exactly what scares me. At the end of the day, the judgment fell on her, not on her husband or anything else, on her. And since it came from a co-worker, it would probably carry through and impact everything- undermine her opinions, her presentations at work, anything, because after all, SHE was messed up.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is my biggest fear. That in the process of trying to heal and move on, I might unknowingly undermine the one stability I've actually had for years....My career. So what to do, what to do? The dilemma continues...
What a Day!
Yesterday was absolutely nuts. I cannot believe I survived this. I had meetings all morning, and then a department Christmas lunch in the afternoon. That part was actually funny. We went to this place across the street and I kept making fun of everyone ordering all the Indian food at the pub. Honestly, it just looked wrong. The food didn't look right, and what the heck do pub dudes know about Indian food anyways? So, I thought I'd be all smart and order "typical" pub food- cheese burger and fries. Can I tell you- that was the most disgusting burger I ever ate in my life. If I hadn't skipped breakfast that morning, I wouldn't have bothered eating it, but I was so hungry that I ate it anyways. To be honest, even the Indian food would have been better. Not to mention I was ridiculously sick all night. I betcha that was food poisoning. Gross. That'll teach me for being cocky and making fun of the Indian food thing.
Anyhow, I left early to beat the snow storm and get home. After 3 hrs of driving, I made it back to my part of the city and went to pick up my daughter. When I got back, the clutch on my car had died. That's the weirdest thing. I drove for 3 hrs, and then it dies on me when I'm almost home. I know the mechanic told me to get a new car, but I re-evaluated and decided to wait and see, because it's too big an expense for me right now. Well, the joke's on me. Little by little different parts of this car die off on me. So now, I seriously have to re-think all of this. The funny thing is, I called my mechanic from the daycare and said "Um- what does it mean when you can't move the stick to a different gear in a manual car, like when you have to use two hands to force it to change gears?" Her reply "it means you didn't listen to me when I told you to get a new car". Everybody's a comedian.
So- I managed to get the car to the garage by around 6:30 and they took a quick look...The clutch is toast. And from before, I know the engine is toast. So, I need a new car. Called my parents to come get me and the kids, went to their house for dinner and borrowed my sister in law's car to get home. It's a Civic coupe lowered to the ground and all, so naturally I couldn't get it into the driveway. Had to shovel first. At 10pm. Have I mentioned that I hate shoveling?
Anyhow, by the time I got to bed it was late, and I was VERY ill from that pub food, so I was up all night...Yup...You guessed it. The old me in high school wouldn't have minded so much (throw up, lose the calories)...The older me doesn't like it much at all. Gross.
So, I'm trying to get caught up on work stuff (frantically), and my mind is on the fact that my car was parked overnight at the garage, and what the heck am I gonna do with it anyways? How quickly can I get another car? Funny- I was actually disappointed when the garage guy said he would park it inside overnight. If he had left it out, there would have been the chance someone could have vandalized it or tried to steal it (although they wouldn't have gotten far)...Even that would have better than dealing with the car myself :-) What a joke.
Anyhow, I'm sure everything happens for a reason. I'm sure the car dying in the middle of the biggest snow storm has some good to it (although I can't imagine what that would be), and that the extra expense of a new car will have good to it, (although I don't know why spending more money will be good right now)...OK cut the sarcasm....there's NO good in this deal, it's just all wrong. So, forget my dreams of the Volvo S40, I'm probably going to find a beat up Pinto. Ok, I'll stop with the salty attitude. Back to work...
Anyhow, I left early to beat the snow storm and get home. After 3 hrs of driving, I made it back to my part of the city and went to pick up my daughter. When I got back, the clutch on my car had died. That's the weirdest thing. I drove for 3 hrs, and then it dies on me when I'm almost home. I know the mechanic told me to get a new car, but I re-evaluated and decided to wait and see, because it's too big an expense for me right now. Well, the joke's on me. Little by little different parts of this car die off on me. So now, I seriously have to re-think all of this. The funny thing is, I called my mechanic from the daycare and said "Um- what does it mean when you can't move the stick to a different gear in a manual car, like when you have to use two hands to force it to change gears?" Her reply "it means you didn't listen to me when I told you to get a new car". Everybody's a comedian.
So- I managed to get the car to the garage by around 6:30 and they took a quick look...The clutch is toast. And from before, I know the engine is toast. So, I need a new car. Called my parents to come get me and the kids, went to their house for dinner and borrowed my sister in law's car to get home. It's a Civic coupe lowered to the ground and all, so naturally I couldn't get it into the driveway. Had to shovel first. At 10pm. Have I mentioned that I hate shoveling?
Anyhow, by the time I got to bed it was late, and I was VERY ill from that pub food, so I was up all night...Yup...You guessed it. The old me in high school wouldn't have minded so much (throw up, lose the calories)...The older me doesn't like it much at all. Gross.
So, I'm trying to get caught up on work stuff (frantically), and my mind is on the fact that my car was parked overnight at the garage, and what the heck am I gonna do with it anyways? How quickly can I get another car? Funny- I was actually disappointed when the garage guy said he would park it inside overnight. If he had left it out, there would have been the chance someone could have vandalized it or tried to steal it (although they wouldn't have gotten far)...Even that would have better than dealing with the car myself :-) What a joke.
Anyhow, I'm sure everything happens for a reason. I'm sure the car dying in the middle of the biggest snow storm has some good to it (although I can't imagine what that would be), and that the extra expense of a new car will have good to it, (although I don't know why spending more money will be good right now)...OK cut the sarcasm....there's NO good in this deal, it's just all wrong. So, forget my dreams of the Volvo S40, I'm probably going to find a beat up Pinto. Ok, I'll stop with the salty attitude. Back to work...
Monday, December 12, 2005
Sleeping Beauty
I wonder how little girls grow to be so obsessed with how they look? I mean, jokes aside of course. I'm always kidding around about how it's fun to be a princess etc...But really, hearing my daughter talk over the past few days, I'm finding it a bit concerning. After all, she is only 4 years old!
Little things are popping up, and I'm starting to wonder...Is it Disney? Is it the Barbies? What is it? I certainly didn't introduce her to all this stuff on my own (although truthfully, I didn't fight it), but I'm wondering how much of it she picked up at school, and how much she picked up at home, and is any of it natural to little girls? Here are some of the comments I've heard from her over the past few weeks:
-Brush my hair a lot mommy so I look as pretty as Sleeping Beauty
-Mommy if I make a mean face will I look like the wicked witch?
-Mommy can I get princess shoes like the princesses on TV and live in a castle and marry a prince? (OK Honey- you are only 4!!! Give it UP!)
-Mommy- when I grow up can I wear nice makeup and fancy clothes and high heels and lots of jewelry so I can be the prettiest girl in the world?
These are hardly things that a little 4 year old should be thinking about. I mean really- who the heck cares who she marries? Shouldn't she be - I don't know - rolling in the dirt, playing tag or something?
I read an interesting but sad statistic a while back. It said that children (especially girls) of parents with eating disorders will develop one themselves on average by the age of 9. Having been bulimic in high school, this scares the heck out of me. I tormented myself for a whole year back when I was 14, and I certainly don't want to see my daughter go through this. I mean, back in high school, I weighed 120 lbs. Nothing to freak out over. Really- nothing to lose 35 lbs in 30 days starving yourself and killing your body over. Society is sick. The world is sick. This is sick.
All that being said, I think I have been careful not to speak about weight/diets etc. around my daughter. I've been really careful. I was not careful about the whole princess thing, and now I'm wondering if I'm contributing to something without even knowing it. The human psyche can be intensely complicated, and sometimes we have an impact on things without ever realizing it. I'm not trying to be hard on myself, after all, almost every little girl wants to be a princess, but I am wondering what we as a society do to contribute to the problem.
Having worn Hijab for as many years as I did, I thought that the physical cover would free me from the whole image thing. For many years it did the trick, it even helped me get rid of an eating disorder, and then I found a community of friends who were insanely obsessed with their looks and were even more freakishly self-conscious, as if they somehow had to find other ways to compensate for the scarf by making themselves more beautiful, more sexy, more attractive in ways other than hair and body. The more exposure I had to this, the more the positive effects of the scarf started to wear off, and the more I started to resent it. That's not the only thing that made me give up the Hijab, and it was certainly the least important element of my decision. There were many other factors, my marriage, my health, the social environment around us to name just a few.
Besides, this isn't about me and my choice to remove the scarf...That's a blog in itself. But I am wondering if there is anything out there that will free women from this insane obsession that seems to start at such a young age. There was a time when I thought my faith would save me from it, but even that didn't quite do the trick, at least not over the long term.
I know- my Muslim friends will be enraged when they read this. They will feel that I've betrayed a core element of our faith. My non- Muslim friends will think that this whole thing is no big deal, and that I'm over-reacting. Either way, let's wait and see. Let's see what happens when our children grow up...Will they be better, worse, or just the same? I'm hoping I'm not the most vain person in the book, but I know I'm also not the least vain. I've seen worse, I've also seen much better. I have some girlfriends who will never care how they look, and to be honest, I personally think that they should. Birkenstocks and socks just ain't happenin, no matter what they say. I have other friends that won't step out of the house unless they are decked to the max, and feel confident that they will be able to hold their own when faced with a room full of other women. I don't think I'm perfectly balanced in any way, but I hope that I'm balanced enough to make a positive contribution to my daughter, and to my immediate social network.
In the meantime, maybe I should buy my daughter a different role model doll. Hmmm- has anyone heard of 'I'm totally independent and beautiful and confident on the inside and don't give a heck about what people think of the outside' Barbie? Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll just keep on searching. Wish me luck.
Little things are popping up, and I'm starting to wonder...Is it Disney? Is it the Barbies? What is it? I certainly didn't introduce her to all this stuff on my own (although truthfully, I didn't fight it), but I'm wondering how much of it she picked up at school, and how much she picked up at home, and is any of it natural to little girls? Here are some of the comments I've heard from her over the past few weeks:
-Brush my hair a lot mommy so I look as pretty as Sleeping Beauty
-Mommy if I make a mean face will I look like the wicked witch?
-Mommy can I get princess shoes like the princesses on TV and live in a castle and marry a prince? (OK Honey- you are only 4!!! Give it UP!)
-Mommy- when I grow up can I wear nice makeup and fancy clothes and high heels and lots of jewelry so I can be the prettiest girl in the world?
These are hardly things that a little 4 year old should be thinking about. I mean really- who the heck cares who she marries? Shouldn't she be - I don't know - rolling in the dirt, playing tag or something?
I read an interesting but sad statistic a while back. It said that children (especially girls) of parents with eating disorders will develop one themselves on average by the age of 9. Having been bulimic in high school, this scares the heck out of me. I tormented myself for a whole year back when I was 14, and I certainly don't want to see my daughter go through this. I mean, back in high school, I weighed 120 lbs. Nothing to freak out over. Really- nothing to lose 35 lbs in 30 days starving yourself and killing your body over. Society is sick. The world is sick. This is sick.
All that being said, I think I have been careful not to speak about weight/diets etc. around my daughter. I've been really careful. I was not careful about the whole princess thing, and now I'm wondering if I'm contributing to something without even knowing it. The human psyche can be intensely complicated, and sometimes we have an impact on things without ever realizing it. I'm not trying to be hard on myself, after all, almost every little girl wants to be a princess, but I am wondering what we as a society do to contribute to the problem.
Having worn Hijab for as many years as I did, I thought that the physical cover would free me from the whole image thing. For many years it did the trick, it even helped me get rid of an eating disorder, and then I found a community of friends who were insanely obsessed with their looks and were even more freakishly self-conscious, as if they somehow had to find other ways to compensate for the scarf by making themselves more beautiful, more sexy, more attractive in ways other than hair and body. The more exposure I had to this, the more the positive effects of the scarf started to wear off, and the more I started to resent it. That's not the only thing that made me give up the Hijab, and it was certainly the least important element of my decision. There were many other factors, my marriage, my health, the social environment around us to name just a few.
Besides, this isn't about me and my choice to remove the scarf...That's a blog in itself. But I am wondering if there is anything out there that will free women from this insane obsession that seems to start at such a young age. There was a time when I thought my faith would save me from it, but even that didn't quite do the trick, at least not over the long term.
I know- my Muslim friends will be enraged when they read this. They will feel that I've betrayed a core element of our faith. My non- Muslim friends will think that this whole thing is no big deal, and that I'm over-reacting. Either way, let's wait and see. Let's see what happens when our children grow up...Will they be better, worse, or just the same? I'm hoping I'm not the most vain person in the book, but I know I'm also not the least vain. I've seen worse, I've also seen much better. I have some girlfriends who will never care how they look, and to be honest, I personally think that they should. Birkenstocks and socks just ain't happenin, no matter what they say. I have other friends that won't step out of the house unless they are decked to the max, and feel confident that they will be able to hold their own when faced with a room full of other women. I don't think I'm perfectly balanced in any way, but I hope that I'm balanced enough to make a positive contribution to my daughter, and to my immediate social network.
In the meantime, maybe I should buy my daughter a different role model doll. Hmmm- has anyone heard of 'I'm totally independent and beautiful and confident on the inside and don't give a heck about what people think of the outside' Barbie? Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll just keep on searching. Wish me luck.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
My Mother's Voice
We all say that we do not want to be like our parents. We grow up saying- "God, when I'm older, I am SO not going to sound like my mother with my kids". You know what? I listened carefully today and heard my mother's voice. It gave me a second to reflect.
The children were running around and around the coffee table in circles. I was so afraid that one of them would slip and fall. I had a flashback of when we were younger, and my brother, sister and I were doing the same thing. My mom kept yelling at us to stop, telling us that one of us would bust our heads open. That is, until my brother really did, NO REALLY- he banged into the wall and busted his forehead open, needed stitches and all. I remember that day because my mom was furious when it happened. She totally yelled us out for doing it, got the shoe, gave us each a butt spank (total Paki style), and then packed us into the cab to get my brother's head stitched up. I often wonder what possessed her to spank us first, and then get us in the cab after. Who knows? Maybe she was afraid she would forget to do it later, or maybe she needed the stress outlet.
Well OK- I'm not THAT bad. But funny- at the time, even my mom didn't seem so bad, it was just the way it was. Today, I heard her voice when I warned- "You guys better stop running around before one of you busts your head open". My son, who is super fabulous at giving me guilt trips, said "Mom- didn't you ever like to play tag?"...I responded with yes, but tag is for outside, not in the house- what are you jungilies? (Indian for wild animals). That, again was my mother's voice, for the second time in the same 30 seconds.
So, I thought I would stop the voice and explain to my children what I was afraid of. I told them the story about my brother, sister and I running in the house. When the story was over, my son said "Aww mom, is that all you're worried about? Don't worry, I wouldn't be dumb enough to bust my head open like that"...
OK- I didn't know if I should laugh or get angry. So I said "Well fine, go ahead and run. But if you do bust your head open Mr. Smartie Pants, don't come crying to me". OK- Those were my mom's exact words, yet again, and now I was totally freaked out. It was like I couldn't control it or something!
So that left me to reflecting. Maybe my mom's voice isn't such a horrible thing. I mean, she was a great mother (butt spanks and all), we just didn't realize it at the time. Maybe we were so stuck in believing that she was so un-cool that we never took her seriously. So what does that mean- that I seem like an un-cool mother to my kids? I totally don't think that I'm un-cool- but hell, who knows? Maybe I am.
Besides, my mom and I are different people. We are all afraid of sounding like our mothers, but really, they did have wisdom beyond their years. So while I totally wouldn't do the shoe-butt-spanking thing, I do completely understand where the voice is coming from. I heard it growing up, and so when I'm faced with the same, or a similar scenario, my gut instinct will be to react in a similar manner. That's why they say that children with temperamental parents can grow up to be temperamental, or that children of calm parents can grow up calm, or that children of abusive parents will grow up to be abusive.
These are all generalizations, but I think the point is that breaking away from the past is the exception, not the rule, which is why it is so important that we do our best when our children are in their younger years. And that we try our hardest to adopt the best that we learned, and leave behind the rest. Thank God I DID NOT adopt the shoe-spanking thing. :-)
And hey- if I hear my mother's voice from time to time, it's because, well, it IS jungilee to run in the house, and running IS for outside, and yeah, if you're not gonna listen, don't complain to me after. But really, even though I said it (and even though my mom said it to us), I would still tend to them if they got hurt. Cuz no matter what, at the end of the day, that's who mothers are. It's like the universal code of mothers that always seems to kick in at just the perfect moment. Maybe at the end of the day, we're alot more alike than we'll ever be willing to admit to.
The children were running around and around the coffee table in circles. I was so afraid that one of them would slip and fall. I had a flashback of when we were younger, and my brother, sister and I were doing the same thing. My mom kept yelling at us to stop, telling us that one of us would bust our heads open. That is, until my brother really did, NO REALLY- he banged into the wall and busted his forehead open, needed stitches and all. I remember that day because my mom was furious when it happened. She totally yelled us out for doing it, got the shoe, gave us each a butt spank (total Paki style), and then packed us into the cab to get my brother's head stitched up. I often wonder what possessed her to spank us first, and then get us in the cab after. Who knows? Maybe she was afraid she would forget to do it later, or maybe she needed the stress outlet.
Well OK- I'm not THAT bad. But funny- at the time, even my mom didn't seem so bad, it was just the way it was. Today, I heard her voice when I warned- "You guys better stop running around before one of you busts your head open". My son, who is super fabulous at giving me guilt trips, said "Mom- didn't you ever like to play tag?"...I responded with yes, but tag is for outside, not in the house- what are you jungilies? (Indian for wild animals). That, again was my mother's voice, for the second time in the same 30 seconds.
So, I thought I would stop the voice and explain to my children what I was afraid of. I told them the story about my brother, sister and I running in the house. When the story was over, my son said "Aww mom, is that all you're worried about? Don't worry, I wouldn't be dumb enough to bust my head open like that"...
OK- I didn't know if I should laugh or get angry. So I said "Well fine, go ahead and run. But if you do bust your head open Mr. Smartie Pants, don't come crying to me". OK- Those were my mom's exact words, yet again, and now I was totally freaked out. It was like I couldn't control it or something!
So that left me to reflecting. Maybe my mom's voice isn't such a horrible thing. I mean, she was a great mother (butt spanks and all), we just didn't realize it at the time. Maybe we were so stuck in believing that she was so un-cool that we never took her seriously. So what does that mean- that I seem like an un-cool mother to my kids? I totally don't think that I'm un-cool- but hell, who knows? Maybe I am.
Besides, my mom and I are different people. We are all afraid of sounding like our mothers, but really, they did have wisdom beyond their years. So while I totally wouldn't do the shoe-butt-spanking thing, I do completely understand where the voice is coming from. I heard it growing up, and so when I'm faced with the same, or a similar scenario, my gut instinct will be to react in a similar manner. That's why they say that children with temperamental parents can grow up to be temperamental, or that children of calm parents can grow up calm, or that children of abusive parents will grow up to be abusive.
These are all generalizations, but I think the point is that breaking away from the past is the exception, not the rule, which is why it is so important that we do our best when our children are in their younger years. And that we try our hardest to adopt the best that we learned, and leave behind the rest. Thank God I DID NOT adopt the shoe-spanking thing. :-)
And hey- if I hear my mother's voice from time to time, it's because, well, it IS jungilee to run in the house, and running IS for outside, and yeah, if you're not gonna listen, don't complain to me after. But really, even though I said it (and even though my mom said it to us), I would still tend to them if they got hurt. Cuz no matter what, at the end of the day, that's who mothers are. It's like the universal code of mothers that always seems to kick in at just the perfect moment. Maybe at the end of the day, we're alot more alike than we'll ever be willing to admit to.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Extra Weekend with the kids
This weekend, I get to spend extra time with the children...My ex had something to attend this weekend, so he "let" me keep the children. It's been fun. I think in many ways, it's actually better for me to have them with me like this, cuz it forces me to slow down. When I'm on my own, I work way to hard, and way too late into the night, and I get anal with cleaning up and stuff. When I'm with them, I feel guilty sitting on the laptop all day, and I end up spending the day under the blanket reading stories, watching cartoons, making puzzles, and eating potato chips and chocolate (mmmm! Chocolate!). What could be better than that? Give that to a super ultra stress-o-rama like me, and its like a retreat. I feel relaxed already. Tomorrow, pending how the children are doing, I'm hoping to take them to see "Chicken Little" in the theatre, something I promised a few weeks back.
I'm also proud of myself. I took a little bit of "me" time...Including looking up a Shiatsu massage therapist to help with my neck pain and headaches. That was great. They actually commented that I must spend a lot of time on the computer, judging from the muscle tension. Nice.
On a funny note- I REALLY need to go back to the gym. It's been a couple of months (I stopped just before Ramadan), but the funny thing is, my son just told me that he loves hugging me cuz I'm "warm and soft". OK- well- I know he meant it as a compliment, but - there's no compliment in him liking the hugs cuz I have a "soft" body :-) Children are so brutally honest sometimes, aren't they? But they mean well, and if it kick starts my gym routine, then I owe him big time. Unfortunately, it will also mean giving up the potato chip and chocolate fests with the kids, so I'll have to find some other party. But hey- there's still time till I renew the membership....I'll just continue with the chocolate until I have to officially give it up. Maybe I'll just wait till the new year. :-)
I'm also proud of myself. I took a little bit of "me" time...Including looking up a Shiatsu massage therapist to help with my neck pain and headaches. That was great. They actually commented that I must spend a lot of time on the computer, judging from the muscle tension. Nice.
On a funny note- I REALLY need to go back to the gym. It's been a couple of months (I stopped just before Ramadan), but the funny thing is, my son just told me that he loves hugging me cuz I'm "warm and soft". OK- well- I know he meant it as a compliment, but - there's no compliment in him liking the hugs cuz I have a "soft" body :-) Children are so brutally honest sometimes, aren't they? But they mean well, and if it kick starts my gym routine, then I owe him big time. Unfortunately, it will also mean giving up the potato chip and chocolate fests with the kids, so I'll have to find some other party. But hey- there's still time till I renew the membership....I'll just continue with the chocolate until I have to officially give it up. Maybe I'll just wait till the new year. :-)
Friday, December 09, 2005
The Snow
I really don't like snow. It's nice to look at, but really- who needs it? I'm not a fan of manual labour, so shoveling the stuff isn't my cup of tea. Interesting how your perspective changes when you become an adult. When I was little, I loved snow days...It was the best fun of all. I would build a snowfort with steps to the top (naturally the princess got to sit at the top)....My brother would whip snowballs at me and I would find my way inside...But it was all good fun.
Today my children asked about what I did in the snow when I was little. I told them the stories and they looked at me in disbelief. "A snow fort? YOU? Mommy that is so cool- do you STILL know how to do that?" Sadly, they made a passing comment about how I hate shoveling snow so how could I possibly ever have liked playing in it? Sad, but true I guess. I don't like the cold. Maybe I'm just getting old.
So anyways, today is Friday- which means I was able to pick my son up from school. When I went to the school to get him, the Vice Principal and I were chatting and she mentioned that my son had a detention on Monday at recess. I asked her why and she said it was for throwing snow IN THE SCHOOL. Ok- well, this is his first detention, so not a huge deal, and truthfully, I had many in my life, and I turned out a straight A student, so I'm not really concerned.
As we were walking back to the car, I asked my son how his day was. He said it was great. I asked how he enjoyed the snow (I was trying to prompt him to tell me what happened), he said he loved the snow. So I asked "does snow belong inside or outside?"....He looked at me and said...."How do you always know? The snow was on my friend's boot when he came back in, so we scraped it off and then thought it would be fun to start throwing it around". OK- well, at least he told, and to be honest, I had thought he was bringing the snow inside in his pocket or something. This wasn't so bad. He is, after all, only six years old. I had to try to contain my laughter.
I'm not a big fan of torturing a child, so since he knows that I'm not impressed with the detention, and we talked about it, I decided to let it go. He promised that he wouldn't do this again, and I agreed to help him build a snowfort at least once this winter. Hey, I didn't say today. I said ONCE. This WINTER. I'm secretly hoping there won't be any more snow. :-)
Today my children asked about what I did in the snow when I was little. I told them the stories and they looked at me in disbelief. "A snow fort? YOU? Mommy that is so cool- do you STILL know how to do that?" Sadly, they made a passing comment about how I hate shoveling snow so how could I possibly ever have liked playing in it? Sad, but true I guess. I don't like the cold. Maybe I'm just getting old.
So anyways, today is Friday- which means I was able to pick my son up from school. When I went to the school to get him, the Vice Principal and I were chatting and she mentioned that my son had a detention on Monday at recess. I asked her why and she said it was for throwing snow IN THE SCHOOL. Ok- well, this is his first detention, so not a huge deal, and truthfully, I had many in my life, and I turned out a straight A student, so I'm not really concerned.
As we were walking back to the car, I asked my son how his day was. He said it was great. I asked how he enjoyed the snow (I was trying to prompt him to tell me what happened), he said he loved the snow. So I asked "does snow belong inside or outside?"....He looked at me and said...."How do you always know? The snow was on my friend's boot when he came back in, so we scraped it off and then thought it would be fun to start throwing it around". OK- well, at least he told, and to be honest, I had thought he was bringing the snow inside in his pocket or something. This wasn't so bad. He is, after all, only six years old. I had to try to contain my laughter.
I'm not a big fan of torturing a child, so since he knows that I'm not impressed with the detention, and we talked about it, I decided to let it go. He promised that he wouldn't do this again, and I agreed to help him build a snowfort at least once this winter. Hey, I didn't say today. I said ONCE. This WINTER. I'm secretly hoping there won't be any more snow. :-)
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Blocking off the Calendar
This is interesting. I've had three comments in a two week span from 3 different colleagues on the same thing. So, either I'm worse than I thought, or they are really awesome friends. I'm starting to think its a bit of both. :-)
The "third" colleague to bring up the topic of my insane work schedule spoke to me today. He said that I need to block more "me" time. At first I thought he meant spa time or something and then I caught on to what he meant. He said that I need to block off periods in my calendar to do my work so that others cannot schedule me in meetings. A very wise girlfriend at the office dragged me to dinner just last week and said exactly the same thing. And then, there is of course my other pod-made telling me to turn of the blackberry. All of them are right.
So, here we go. I'm going to block off and hour and a half a day to do work. And I'm starting next week. OK- I would start tomorrow, but I have back to back meetings with no lunch (no comments please). Thursday is waaaay too busy. Friday I work from home and have 2 conference calls, so that's my catch up day by default. Next week it is.
On another note, I received an award at work. I'm not trying to brag or something, just reflecting for a moment. Recognition is a funny thing. If I don't get it, I would feel really disgruntled, and would feel like I work for nothing. If I do get it, it just makes me work harder and it almost feeds the beast. Double edged sword I guess. My boss actually made a comment to me about this around a year ago. I had someone on my team who was working late hours and wouldn't stop. I kept rewarding him and he kept doing it more. I kept insisting he take vacation but he wouldn't. I asked my boss for his feedback. What could I do to help this guy slow down? He looked at me in disbelief and said "Are you KIDDING? I have the same issue with you...When you find the solution let me know"...
That's hilarious. My boss is great. He makes me laugh....But he's right. It's such a weird thing- A lack of recognition would make me mean and disgruntled. With recognition, I'm a workaholic. I need to find the balance.
I think I'm going to use the advice given to me over the past two weeks. My one colleague made the comment that if I lowered the bar just a bit nobody would notice. I think he's right. Let's do the experiment and see what happens. If I stop getting the rewards and recognition and become disgruntled, I'm sure somebody somewhere will be sure to let me know. :-)
The "third" colleague to bring up the topic of my insane work schedule spoke to me today. He said that I need to block more "me" time. At first I thought he meant spa time or something and then I caught on to what he meant. He said that I need to block off periods in my calendar to do my work so that others cannot schedule me in meetings. A very wise girlfriend at the office dragged me to dinner just last week and said exactly the same thing. And then, there is of course my other pod-made telling me to turn of the blackberry. All of them are right.
So, here we go. I'm going to block off and hour and a half a day to do work. And I'm starting next week. OK- I would start tomorrow, but I have back to back meetings with no lunch (no comments please). Thursday is waaaay too busy. Friday I work from home and have 2 conference calls, so that's my catch up day by default. Next week it is.
On another note, I received an award at work. I'm not trying to brag or something, just reflecting for a moment. Recognition is a funny thing. If I don't get it, I would feel really disgruntled, and would feel like I work for nothing. If I do get it, it just makes me work harder and it almost feeds the beast. Double edged sword I guess. My boss actually made a comment to me about this around a year ago. I had someone on my team who was working late hours and wouldn't stop. I kept rewarding him and he kept doing it more. I kept insisting he take vacation but he wouldn't. I asked my boss for his feedback. What could I do to help this guy slow down? He looked at me in disbelief and said "Are you KIDDING? I have the same issue with you...When you find the solution let me know"...
That's hilarious. My boss is great. He makes me laugh....But he's right. It's such a weird thing- A lack of recognition would make me mean and disgruntled. With recognition, I'm a workaholic. I need to find the balance.
I think I'm going to use the advice given to me over the past two weeks. My one colleague made the comment that if I lowered the bar just a bit nobody would notice. I think he's right. Let's do the experiment and see what happens. If I stop getting the rewards and recognition and become disgruntled, I'm sure somebody somewhere will be sure to let me know. :-)
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Pathetic or Kind?
It's weird. Sometimes I don't know if I'm extremely pathetic, or extremely kind. I often give off this tough outer shell image to people; very few actually know how big a softie I am at the end of the day. The person who knows me best in the world is probably my ex (sad but true). I often wonder if he does things just to manipulate my soft side, or if he's being honest and sincere when he speaks to me. Either way, every time I communicate with him, I feel bad for something or another and it leaves me wondering if I'm extremely pathetic, or just extremely kind. Either way, I wish I weren't like this, it really does just complicate things for me, and I feel like it slows down my healing process.
I'm not going to get into the complications of the marriage, or the events that led up to my leaving, but let's just say that it wasn't easy. He was horrible to me, and I don't know if I'll ever get past it. That being said, I still feel sorry for him (I know- What am I? A sucker?). I spoke to him earlier tonight about the children's hockey schedule, and he sounded kind of down, and this made me feel bad for him. He has the crappiest family on the planet, so they are not really much support for him. Our mutual friends have mostly stuck by me throughout everything (no, we did not ask them to side, nor did I really want it to turn out this way), but their decision to "choose" between us has really left him quite isolated. That makes me feel sorry for him. Everyone needs to have a community, or a social network, and this guy is just on his own. I keep telling myself he's on his own because he chooses to be, it's not like he can't go out and mingle...But still, I do feel bad for him.
That brings me to my next question....Is this normal? Is it normal to want to see him happy? Is it normal for me to wish him well and want him to move on and make the best of it, or is that just pathetic of me to still care for his well being, despite the hell he put me through? I keep hoping that this is just me being kind; I mean he is after all, the father of my children. But then this other nagging feeling says- yeah, but given what you went through right to the end, this is really pathetic. Forget him and never look back.
I'm really not the vengeful type. I mean, I'm sure I can be, but I don't know- it kind of feels like a real waste of energy. At the same time, while I don't want to be vengeful, and I do want to be kind and forgiving, I don't want to continually be a doormat either. So where is the balance, especially when you share two children?
I also feel bad because he keeps asking if I've met anyone else. Well, we're not divorced yet, so even if I had, it wouldn't really evolve into anything, and he should know that. At the same time, I know why he's asking. He's hoping I will change my mind and reconcile. That's kind of unfair given what I've been through, but I still feel bad knowing where he's at. It also kind of freaks me out. It tells me that with his super-stalker mentality, and with him living just around the corner from here, I don't really know what moving on will be like, or even more scary, whether he will ever let me move on and be happy. He's got a bit of the "I can't live without you, and I won't let you live without me" mentality going on. I know, very scary. Don't start....Trust me. I know what I'm up against.
This whole thing would have been much easier if he would just move on. I wish he would meet someone and file divorce papers. I wish he would meet friends and go out and have a social life. I wish his family could grow up and start acting like a family, instead of being strangers to him. I wish I could have a clear conscience so I could move on.
How long after a separation does it take to move on and start over? What does it take to heal, and how can we speed the process along? I wish I had a magic crystal ball that would tell me for sure that everything will be ok; for me, my ex, but most of all for these two beautiful children who didn't ask for any of this, but got the worst deal of all. Since I don't have a crystal ball, I'm going to have to wait and see, just like the rest of the world does. The path to healing is not an easy one. Its really tough, and it leaves you wondering if one day you will look back and be thankful you made the choices that you did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not debating my decision, I'm just praying to God that I won't regret it one day. My friend says that path that always haunts you is the path not taken. This is so true, and I totally understand why. I just want to know when the "haunting" will end, and when I will get a clean break.
Actually, my REAL fear is that the haunting never ends, and that the break will never be a clean one....But here's to hoping.
I'm not going to get into the complications of the marriage, or the events that led up to my leaving, but let's just say that it wasn't easy. He was horrible to me, and I don't know if I'll ever get past it. That being said, I still feel sorry for him (I know- What am I? A sucker?). I spoke to him earlier tonight about the children's hockey schedule, and he sounded kind of down, and this made me feel bad for him. He has the crappiest family on the planet, so they are not really much support for him. Our mutual friends have mostly stuck by me throughout everything (no, we did not ask them to side, nor did I really want it to turn out this way), but their decision to "choose" between us has really left him quite isolated. That makes me feel sorry for him. Everyone needs to have a community, or a social network, and this guy is just on his own. I keep telling myself he's on his own because he chooses to be, it's not like he can't go out and mingle...But still, I do feel bad for him.
That brings me to my next question....Is this normal? Is it normal to want to see him happy? Is it normal for me to wish him well and want him to move on and make the best of it, or is that just pathetic of me to still care for his well being, despite the hell he put me through? I keep hoping that this is just me being kind; I mean he is after all, the father of my children. But then this other nagging feeling says- yeah, but given what you went through right to the end, this is really pathetic. Forget him and never look back.
I'm really not the vengeful type. I mean, I'm sure I can be, but I don't know- it kind of feels like a real waste of energy. At the same time, while I don't want to be vengeful, and I do want to be kind and forgiving, I don't want to continually be a doormat either. So where is the balance, especially when you share two children?
I also feel bad because he keeps asking if I've met anyone else. Well, we're not divorced yet, so even if I had, it wouldn't really evolve into anything, and he should know that. At the same time, I know why he's asking. He's hoping I will change my mind and reconcile. That's kind of unfair given what I've been through, but I still feel bad knowing where he's at. It also kind of freaks me out. It tells me that with his super-stalker mentality, and with him living just around the corner from here, I don't really know what moving on will be like, or even more scary, whether he will ever let me move on and be happy. He's got a bit of the "I can't live without you, and I won't let you live without me" mentality going on. I know, very scary. Don't start....Trust me. I know what I'm up against.
This whole thing would have been much easier if he would just move on. I wish he would meet someone and file divorce papers. I wish he would meet friends and go out and have a social life. I wish his family could grow up and start acting like a family, instead of being strangers to him. I wish I could have a clear conscience so I could move on.
How long after a separation does it take to move on and start over? What does it take to heal, and how can we speed the process along? I wish I had a magic crystal ball that would tell me for sure that everything will be ok; for me, my ex, but most of all for these two beautiful children who didn't ask for any of this, but got the worst deal of all. Since I don't have a crystal ball, I'm going to have to wait and see, just like the rest of the world does. The path to healing is not an easy one. Its really tough, and it leaves you wondering if one day you will look back and be thankful you made the choices that you did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not debating my decision, I'm just praying to God that I won't regret it one day. My friend says that path that always haunts you is the path not taken. This is so true, and I totally understand why. I just want to know when the "haunting" will end, and when I will get a clean break.
Actually, my REAL fear is that the haunting never ends, and that the break will never be a clean one....But here's to hoping.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
The Children's Christmas Party
I took the children to an office Christmas party today. Please don't judge. I can just hear it- Oh look! The Muslim Girl who doesn't celebrate Christmas took her kids to a Christmas party. I actually didn't intend to do it, as I was afraid of further confusion around Religion, but I ended up doing it for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my children go to public school which means they are exposed to other religions anyways. Secondly, I want them to grow up learning that we should respect all faiths, and still also be able to respect our own. Thirdly- they outright asked me if my company has an office party, and when I told them yes, they asked why I never take them. I explained that we don't celebrate Christmas, and they asked why we can't just go to the party and have fun with all the other children. That got me to thinking- yeah, why not? I mean - it's not like avoiding Christmas will make it go away or be less visible, and while I know many who would insist that participating in it just confuses the kids further, I don't know if I agree with that.
I have friends from many different faiths and I've always taught the children that there are many religions in the world, and that we are all sort of branches of the same tree at the end of the day. Different paths to get us hopefully to the same destination. Anyhow, I had fun at the party, and so did the children. I also learned something today. Despite how much everyone has told me that exposing children to multiple religions will confuse them, I'm not sure that's true. Anyhow, I went to this party which actually was a show for children, a spin off of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", followed by face painting, jumping castles, etc. The children had a blast. There was really just one part of the event that I was a little concerned about...The part where the children got a chance to have their pictures taken with Santa. They also had the option of getting a picture with the actors of the show. Thankfully, they opted for the actors.
At the end of the day, just as we were leaving, the children caught sight of Santa at the photo booth and asked if they could say hello. I said yes and watched them go over, casually say "Hi Santa- how are you?" He said fine, and asked how they were doing. They responded that they were fine, he gave them a candy cane, and we were off on our way. No big deal at all. I expected a whole bunch of questions around why Santa doesn't visit Muslim homes, or why we don't have Christmas lights up, and I was fully prepared to answer them, but the need never came up.
In fact, its funny. On the way home, my children asked me "even though we don't celebrate Christmas, can we give presents to people who do?" I told them yes, that it was nice to acknowledge other people's religious beliefs, and to be extra considerate during their holidays. I told them I was buying gifts for the neighbors. They were delighted and asked if they could hand them out. I said yes. They were happy.
Sometimes I think we expect the worst. In my opinion, this day went over really well. I feel like I've taught my children that we can still have a different faith yet be respectful of others, participate with them, and still have fun along the way. I don't want them to grow up anal or ethnocentric. At the end of the day, these are the children of two Torontonian born parents. If nothing else, they should be able to grow up with a respect for multiculturalism and for all religions across the board. I'm hoping that I can at least contribute to that in some way, without appearing like an iron fisted brick wall parent. That's really not me. I think the more we push children in one direction, the more they will rebel, and the more we encourage them to being respectful and understanding of the world that surrounds us and the incredibly beautiful diversity within it, the better equipped they will be to succeed in it, to appreciate it, and to become well-rounded people within it.
At the end of the day, Religion is a funny thing. Its kind of a double-edged sword. It has many benefits, as it guides our daily lives, gives us moral boundaries, and a sense of reward for being good people. On the other hand, some people tend to get so obsessed by it that they end up fighting, killing, hurting, and building walls between people, communities and nations. I really don't want to see any of that in my children, so I think a good first step is teaching them to respect our faith, just as much as we respect everyone else's. And hey- having a little fun at some of these parties along the way never hurts either. Life's short, too short to waste time arguing over the trivial things. And while we're at it, bring on the candy canes and jumping castles. Any excuse to play. :-)
I have friends from many different faiths and I've always taught the children that there are many religions in the world, and that we are all sort of branches of the same tree at the end of the day. Different paths to get us hopefully to the same destination. Anyhow, I had fun at the party, and so did the children. I also learned something today. Despite how much everyone has told me that exposing children to multiple religions will confuse them, I'm not sure that's true. Anyhow, I went to this party which actually was a show for children, a spin off of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", followed by face painting, jumping castles, etc. The children had a blast. There was really just one part of the event that I was a little concerned about...The part where the children got a chance to have their pictures taken with Santa. They also had the option of getting a picture with the actors of the show. Thankfully, they opted for the actors.
At the end of the day, just as we were leaving, the children caught sight of Santa at the photo booth and asked if they could say hello. I said yes and watched them go over, casually say "Hi Santa- how are you?" He said fine, and asked how they were doing. They responded that they were fine, he gave them a candy cane, and we were off on our way. No big deal at all. I expected a whole bunch of questions around why Santa doesn't visit Muslim homes, or why we don't have Christmas lights up, and I was fully prepared to answer them, but the need never came up.
In fact, its funny. On the way home, my children asked me "even though we don't celebrate Christmas, can we give presents to people who do?" I told them yes, that it was nice to acknowledge other people's religious beliefs, and to be extra considerate during their holidays. I told them I was buying gifts for the neighbors. They were delighted and asked if they could hand them out. I said yes. They were happy.
Sometimes I think we expect the worst. In my opinion, this day went over really well. I feel like I've taught my children that we can still have a different faith yet be respectful of others, participate with them, and still have fun along the way. I don't want them to grow up anal or ethnocentric. At the end of the day, these are the children of two Torontonian born parents. If nothing else, they should be able to grow up with a respect for multiculturalism and for all religions across the board. I'm hoping that I can at least contribute to that in some way, without appearing like an iron fisted brick wall parent. That's really not me. I think the more we push children in one direction, the more they will rebel, and the more we encourage them to being respectful and understanding of the world that surrounds us and the incredibly beautiful diversity within it, the better equipped they will be to succeed in it, to appreciate it, and to become well-rounded people within it.
At the end of the day, Religion is a funny thing. Its kind of a double-edged sword. It has many benefits, as it guides our daily lives, gives us moral boundaries, and a sense of reward for being good people. On the other hand, some people tend to get so obsessed by it that they end up fighting, killing, hurting, and building walls between people, communities and nations. I really don't want to see any of that in my children, so I think a good first step is teaching them to respect our faith, just as much as we respect everyone else's. And hey- having a little fun at some of these parties along the way never hurts either. Life's short, too short to waste time arguing over the trivial things. And while we're at it, bring on the candy canes and jumping castles. Any excuse to play. :-)
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Nothing to Justify
I get to spend time with the children this upcoming weekend. It sounds kind of sad doesn't it? After all, they are MY children. Sometimes I feel bad that they are constantly being ping-ponged from my house to my ex's. I mean, what kind of stability is that? Not very stable I suppose...But there isn't much of a choice, so why dwell on it? This is going to be their reality. Every child has one issue or another. This will be theirs. But hey- it could have been worse. I could have remained with my ex. Then these children would have had other issues.
I'm still not ready to talk about it, to name names in this blog, to describe details, etc., but one day I will. It's funny- this blog has been somewhat therapeutic. I'm hoping it will help me heal to the point that one day I can REALLY write. My goal is to one day write a book, purge all this extra emotional baggage, heal, and then move on. I know someone who did that, and she's doing much better. I would love to one day be able to speak about everything- without feeling judged, ashamed, or defensive. I've actually contemplated starting another blog, (somehow or another, a couple of people who know me have found out about this one), but really- that's not the point. If I do that, I'm just deluding myself into believing that I've healed, but until I feel I can face this somewhat publicly, I haven't really healed. Plus, some really interesting people have found this blog, so I'm going to stick with it. I figure maybe I'll tell the story in little pieces and heal little by little, but it's better that way.
I'm not saying that I'm living a facade- in fact, I've been more open and honest about my life now than I've ever been before. I'm more real now than I've ever been before. I'm no longer pretending to be the happy wife, I'm no longer acting like I have this picture perfect marriage, and I'm no longer feeling like I need to lie. I just don't tell people the whole story. If you ask me, that's a heck of a lot better than where I was two years ago, pretending that I was happy, pretending that I was married to my soul mate, pretending that I'd made good decisions in my life. I used to blame myself and ask myself how someone so incredibly smart could make such incredibly stupid decisions.
My friend Graham actually said something really cool to me a couple of months back. He said that instead of kicking myself for the past decisions I made (staying in a failing marriage and a bad situation), maybe I should just accept that difficult decisions like leaving a marriage cannot be made by a young girl in her 20's. Or at least, not easily. He actually said that it takes a grown woman with a pretty level head to weigh out her options and face the world. I think he's right. That pretty much explains why I was able to leave in my 30's, when I couldn't in my 20's. I mean - what was I to do? Face the Indo-Pak community? Are you for REAL? Hello? I'm not sure which hell is worse- a bad marriage or the judgment of these people.
Either way, now I'm free, free from the lies, the facade, the illusions. All I'm facing now is the judgment, and really, that's not so bad. Not in the grand scheme of things. After all, I've managed to face that by staying away from it. That's why nobody sees me at Indian weddings, or religious events, or parties. I've started a new network, and its a happier one. Its also a very multicultural one. And you know what....I'm actually liking it. A lot. I can actually tell people when I want to be left alone. I don't feel OBLIGED to do things as much as I once did, and I don't feel the need to constantly defend myself. I'd say that's pretty good progress...Wouldn't you?
When I first left my husband, I had long conversations with my girlfriend and her husband. They had witnessed some of my issues first hand, and had been kind enough to stay by my side throughout everything. In one particular conversation, my friend said to me, "You should be at peace, you no longer need to worry about what people think. You have nothing to justify". I heard her words, but didn't really know what that meant. I mean, I was after all, explaining my situation over and over again to the community, defending myself every single day that summer. A few months ago, it clicked. I really don't have anything to justify. I actually know that now. There is just way too much that happened. I can't even forget the look on the faces of the one or two people that actually know the truth. "you went through WHAT?". There wasn't just one thing. There were TONS of things that I endured. And it's true. I don't have anything to justify. But I do have a lot to move past. And I do need to move on. For my sake, for my children's sake, but most of all, for the sake of that scared girl in her 20's who couldn't face the world but held on and endured, hoping that one day she would have the courage start over.
I'm still not ready to talk about it, to name names in this blog, to describe details, etc., but one day I will. It's funny- this blog has been somewhat therapeutic. I'm hoping it will help me heal to the point that one day I can REALLY write. My goal is to one day write a book, purge all this extra emotional baggage, heal, and then move on. I know someone who did that, and she's doing much better. I would love to one day be able to speak about everything- without feeling judged, ashamed, or defensive. I've actually contemplated starting another blog, (somehow or another, a couple of people who know me have found out about this one), but really- that's not the point. If I do that, I'm just deluding myself into believing that I've healed, but until I feel I can face this somewhat publicly, I haven't really healed. Plus, some really interesting people have found this blog, so I'm going to stick with it. I figure maybe I'll tell the story in little pieces and heal little by little, but it's better that way.
I'm not saying that I'm living a facade- in fact, I've been more open and honest about my life now than I've ever been before. I'm more real now than I've ever been before. I'm no longer pretending to be the happy wife, I'm no longer acting like I have this picture perfect marriage, and I'm no longer feeling like I need to lie. I just don't tell people the whole story. If you ask me, that's a heck of a lot better than where I was two years ago, pretending that I was happy, pretending that I was married to my soul mate, pretending that I'd made good decisions in my life. I used to blame myself and ask myself how someone so incredibly smart could make such incredibly stupid decisions.
My friend Graham actually said something really cool to me a couple of months back. He said that instead of kicking myself for the past decisions I made (staying in a failing marriage and a bad situation), maybe I should just accept that difficult decisions like leaving a marriage cannot be made by a young girl in her 20's. Or at least, not easily. He actually said that it takes a grown woman with a pretty level head to weigh out her options and face the world. I think he's right. That pretty much explains why I was able to leave in my 30's, when I couldn't in my 20's. I mean - what was I to do? Face the Indo-Pak community? Are you for REAL? Hello? I'm not sure which hell is worse- a bad marriage or the judgment of these people.
Either way, now I'm free, free from the lies, the facade, the illusions. All I'm facing now is the judgment, and really, that's not so bad. Not in the grand scheme of things. After all, I've managed to face that by staying away from it. That's why nobody sees me at Indian weddings, or religious events, or parties. I've started a new network, and its a happier one. Its also a very multicultural one. And you know what....I'm actually liking it. A lot. I can actually tell people when I want to be left alone. I don't feel OBLIGED to do things as much as I once did, and I don't feel the need to constantly defend myself. I'd say that's pretty good progress...Wouldn't you?
When I first left my husband, I had long conversations with my girlfriend and her husband. They had witnessed some of my issues first hand, and had been kind enough to stay by my side throughout everything. In one particular conversation, my friend said to me, "You should be at peace, you no longer need to worry about what people think. You have nothing to justify". I heard her words, but didn't really know what that meant. I mean, I was after all, explaining my situation over and over again to the community, defending myself every single day that summer. A few months ago, it clicked. I really don't have anything to justify. I actually know that now. There is just way too much that happened. I can't even forget the look on the faces of the one or two people that actually know the truth. "you went through WHAT?". There wasn't just one thing. There were TONS of things that I endured. And it's true. I don't have anything to justify. But I do have a lot to move past. And I do need to move on. For my sake, for my children's sake, but most of all, for the sake of that scared girl in her 20's who couldn't face the world but held on and endured, hoping that one day she would have the courage start over.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Trying His Best
My son got his first grade one report card. Now before I get into this story, I'm going to qualify this by saying- yes I am a strong supporter of academics. I think an education is very important, and I would love nothing more than to see both my children be academically successful in their lives. That being said, I do not want to pressure them. Although some parental pressure can at times teach them to try harder, at other times it can backfire and make children give up. All I want right now is to see my children do their best, whatever that may be.
Here's the phenomenal thing. My son got all B's on his last report card. Now, you may wonder why a mother who pulled a straight A average throughout her entire academic career is so ecstatic that her son got B's in grade one. It's not the grade I'm concerned about. Not in the least. It's what the grade represents that matters to me. You see, I read the legend. A 'B' in all subjects means that he's meeting all the requirements. The phenomenal part is that this child is doing 'average' or 'acceptable' despite an incredibly challenging period in his life.
Look at it from his perspective. This little guy was removed in June 2004 from a home where he lived with his two parents. He was taken out of a school with all his friends and had to live with his mother and grandparents for a year. He also had to start a new school and meet new friends. Then, he and his sister were uprooted once again a year later (this past July) and moved into a new home. No more grandparents, and no father. Then, two months later, he started in a new school (this September), where not only did he have to learn new rules, meet new friends (yet again), but he also had to adapt to a new approach to learning. This is after all a public school, which is a big change coming from a Montessori environment.
I don't know about you, but for me, if I had all that change happen, you would probably notice that I would be much more distracted at work, that I would be somewhat emotional, maybe moody, and definitely would need the world to cut me some slack. And I'm an adult.
This little guy was able to keep up with everyone else despite all these challenges. I mean, how could anyone expect more than that? This tells me that he's a phenomenal kid, because really- if he had normal circumstances, he would be doing better than average. What more could I possibly ask for?
I'm also thrilled for another reason. This means he's doing ok. This means my children are adapting well. This means the child that appears to be happy and doing well is managing, despite this separation. This means that my efforts are working.
All I want is for my children to be ok. That is the most important goal. After that, I need to make sure that I'M ok. This makes me hopeful. This makes me happy. Somehow, something as trivial as a grade one report card feels like its MY report card- the fact that my child is doing "average" given this situation means that I must have done well helping him transition. I guess it's a moment to feel reassured. After all, we all need reassurance sometimes, don't we? My friends are always telling me about how great my children are, and how well they seem to be managing, but I half expect to hear that from my friends. Really- what else are they going to say? Man- you messed up these kids, and you've failed as a mother? Of course not.
I guess the external report on my son's progress means so much because it comes from someone who doesn't know me, my sensitivities, or how much this will mean to me. His teacher isn't trying to soften the blow, to make me feel better, or to sugar coat things. She's just an objective outsider giving her evaluation of his progress, of my progress, and of our progress. (She just doesn't realize that's what she's doing). I'm grateful for the status report, and for the reassurance. Here's to hoping for another "average" term, for another fabulous status report, and for further reassurance. I can only do my best to help these children succeed, and all I can ask of my children is that they continue to try their best. Strive for excellence, not perfection, right? Right now, the best thing is to be reasonable, and fair and to hope and pray for the best. My son has exceeded my expectations. I give him an A+ for his effort, and that's the most important category and grade of all.
Here's the phenomenal thing. My son got all B's on his last report card. Now, you may wonder why a mother who pulled a straight A average throughout her entire academic career is so ecstatic that her son got B's in grade one. It's not the grade I'm concerned about. Not in the least. It's what the grade represents that matters to me. You see, I read the legend. A 'B' in all subjects means that he's meeting all the requirements. The phenomenal part is that this child is doing 'average' or 'acceptable' despite an incredibly challenging period in his life.
Look at it from his perspective. This little guy was removed in June 2004 from a home where he lived with his two parents. He was taken out of a school with all his friends and had to live with his mother and grandparents for a year. He also had to start a new school and meet new friends. Then, he and his sister were uprooted once again a year later (this past July) and moved into a new home. No more grandparents, and no father. Then, two months later, he started in a new school (this September), where not only did he have to learn new rules, meet new friends (yet again), but he also had to adapt to a new approach to learning. This is after all a public school, which is a big change coming from a Montessori environment.
I don't know about you, but for me, if I had all that change happen, you would probably notice that I would be much more distracted at work, that I would be somewhat emotional, maybe moody, and definitely would need the world to cut me some slack. And I'm an adult.
This little guy was able to keep up with everyone else despite all these challenges. I mean, how could anyone expect more than that? This tells me that he's a phenomenal kid, because really- if he had normal circumstances, he would be doing better than average. What more could I possibly ask for?
I'm also thrilled for another reason. This means he's doing ok. This means my children are adapting well. This means the child that appears to be happy and doing well is managing, despite this separation. This means that my efforts are working.
All I want is for my children to be ok. That is the most important goal. After that, I need to make sure that I'M ok. This makes me hopeful. This makes me happy. Somehow, something as trivial as a grade one report card feels like its MY report card- the fact that my child is doing "average" given this situation means that I must have done well helping him transition. I guess it's a moment to feel reassured. After all, we all need reassurance sometimes, don't we? My friends are always telling me about how great my children are, and how well they seem to be managing, but I half expect to hear that from my friends. Really- what else are they going to say? Man- you messed up these kids, and you've failed as a mother? Of course not.
I guess the external report on my son's progress means so much because it comes from someone who doesn't know me, my sensitivities, or how much this will mean to me. His teacher isn't trying to soften the blow, to make me feel better, or to sugar coat things. She's just an objective outsider giving her evaluation of his progress, of my progress, and of our progress. (She just doesn't realize that's what she's doing). I'm grateful for the status report, and for the reassurance. Here's to hoping for another "average" term, for another fabulous status report, and for further reassurance. I can only do my best to help these children succeed, and all I can ask of my children is that they continue to try their best. Strive for excellence, not perfection, right? Right now, the best thing is to be reasonable, and fair and to hope and pray for the best. My son has exceeded my expectations. I give him an A+ for his effort, and that's the most important category and grade of all.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Good Morning!
I woke up this morning to the cutest thing in the world. Two little monkeys in my bed. I'm usually a light sleeper, but somehow I don't even remember them making it into my bed last night. When I woke up, there they were, my son and daughter cuddled together under my blanket in this king sized bed. (Thank God its a big bed!).
They looked so adorable. There's something about little children when they are sleeping...They look so perfect. I kissed each of them on the forehead and woke them up for school.
When I asked how they got into my bed, my son answered that "they" had a bad dream last night. "Both of you?" He responded that yes, they had both had a bad dream, and decided to come and join me. I contemplated explaining to the children that they couldn't have had the same bad dream at the same time, or that it was unlikely that they both had nightmares at the same moment, but they looked so proud of themselves for their explanation that I just didn't have the heart.
"We're allowed to come to your room for bad dreams mommy- that's your rule", my son reminded me.
"Yes you are, honey, anytime".
They are so adorable. I think what really happened is that they probably waited till I was asleep and tiptoed into my room, into my bed, snuggled up together and fell asleep. But either way, its fine. Especially if it makes them feel better. Besides, I kind of like the feel of waking up and seeing them all snuggled up like that. I know its probably better to give them a proper "strict" routine in their own bed, and I am trying to do that at bedtime. But for now, I'm going to turn a blind eye to their "nightmare" routine, rather than tell them they can't join me. I'm sure it will fade, and even if it doesn't, it's still fun for now :-)
As for me, I'm still trying to rest. The 'to do' list never seems to go away though. And here's something weird. Yesterday I took my car to the mechanic. You know its really bad when the mechanic calls you and advises that he can make a lot of money and fix your car, but "if you want my real advice, buy a new car". Great. Apparently the engine is messed up big time.
Oddly enough, although this is a massive and unexpected expense, (I wasn't even budgeting for a new car right now), the truth is, I was sick of that car. It was my ex's car, and I "inherited" it during the separation. To be honest, every time I look at it, I see him sitting in it. That in turn reminds me of everything that happened, and well, you get the point. I think a healthy part of my new beginning will be getting rid of his car. A costly part, but probably better in the long run. Now I just have to find a super cheap car that I can drive.
So much for a car representing your desired image. Whatever I get now will just have to be transportation, there will be no image thing happening here. But hey- at least it will be MY car. That's a good start. My home, my car, my space. All of it is financially tough, but its all emotionally good.
They looked so adorable. There's something about little children when they are sleeping...They look so perfect. I kissed each of them on the forehead and woke them up for school.
When I asked how they got into my bed, my son answered that "they" had a bad dream last night. "Both of you?" He responded that yes, they had both had a bad dream, and decided to come and join me. I contemplated explaining to the children that they couldn't have had the same bad dream at the same time, or that it was unlikely that they both had nightmares at the same moment, but they looked so proud of themselves for their explanation that I just didn't have the heart.
"We're allowed to come to your room for bad dreams mommy- that's your rule", my son reminded me.
"Yes you are, honey, anytime".
They are so adorable. I think what really happened is that they probably waited till I was asleep and tiptoed into my room, into my bed, snuggled up together and fell asleep. But either way, its fine. Especially if it makes them feel better. Besides, I kind of like the feel of waking up and seeing them all snuggled up like that. I know its probably better to give them a proper "strict" routine in their own bed, and I am trying to do that at bedtime. But for now, I'm going to turn a blind eye to their "nightmare" routine, rather than tell them they can't join me. I'm sure it will fade, and even if it doesn't, it's still fun for now :-)
As for me, I'm still trying to rest. The 'to do' list never seems to go away though. And here's something weird. Yesterday I took my car to the mechanic. You know its really bad when the mechanic calls you and advises that he can make a lot of money and fix your car, but "if you want my real advice, buy a new car". Great. Apparently the engine is messed up big time.
Oddly enough, although this is a massive and unexpected expense, (I wasn't even budgeting for a new car right now), the truth is, I was sick of that car. It was my ex's car, and I "inherited" it during the separation. To be honest, every time I look at it, I see him sitting in it. That in turn reminds me of everything that happened, and well, you get the point. I think a healthy part of my new beginning will be getting rid of his car. A costly part, but probably better in the long run. Now I just have to find a super cheap car that I can drive.
So much for a car representing your desired image. Whatever I get now will just have to be transportation, there will be no image thing happening here. But hey- at least it will be MY car. That's a good start. My home, my car, my space. All of it is financially tough, but its all emotionally good.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Resting Days
Well...I finished all the audit stuff...That was insanely difficult. When I went in on Monday morning, my boss commented on two things- that I looked like crap and that he didn't think I needed to do all the stuff that I did. That kind of made me feel bad. But then, 3 hours later when he did meet up with the auditors, he came back to me and told me that they needed all the documentation that I had done. Every single item was necessary. That made me feel a whole lot better.
Anyhow, I'm off today and tomorrow, and the weekend of course. That gives me 4 days to rest. My boss insisted that I take the time to get a break (wow- I must have looked really bad that day) :-)
Its not much of a teaparty, I'm actually just doing the stuff I would have done anyways- snow tires on the car, snow boots for the kids, clean house, laundry, but its nice to be at home.
As I was on my way out of the office last night, my colleague commented again on how I really need to learn to turn the blackberry off. I think he's right, so I'm trying it. I must admit, I do have the urge to check it, but I'm fighting it :-). I even have my msn set to "appear offline" so that my colleagues and team members won't ask me work questions. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.
On another note, I have that ulcer test tomorrow. Not fun. Today's diet consists of clear liquids and laxatives to prepare for the test. Very nice. Maybe its better that I'm not in the office...That would just be all wrong.
We had snow last night and as I woke up I thought - dang- I don't even own a shovel. I guess its just another thing I didn't think of. My ex used to do all the outside stuff. I never had to touch anything like that...I guess I'm still getting used to all this manual labour. But to be honest, its still totally worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The freedom and peace I have with things the way they are - there's nothing like it. Sometimes I think back to the events that occurred right before I left, and I can't believe I let myself go through that. I'm not even ready to write about it, and I can count on one hand the number of people who actually know the truth. All I can say is that nobody should allow themselves to stay in a situation like that...Nobody. I still get nightmares and wake up at night from remembering half the stuff...But that was a year and a half ago, and it seems like a lifetime away.
Anyhow, this morning when I got the kids in the car and opened the garage- my driveway was shoveled! Those neighbours are so awesome! Who are these people, and why are they so incredibly kind to me? Mental note- extra large gift basket for them at Christmas. Mental note number two- I have to remember to reciprocate. Hmmm- Maybe I can get my 6yr old son to help me shovel the snow next time. What- like you wouldn't do the same? We can make a game out of it- let's see who can shovel faster :-)
Either way, I am totally shocked at how awesome those neighbours are. I mean, I know people like that existed back in the Beaver Cleaver days, but I really didn't expect it in today's self-centered-all-about-me world. People just aren't like that anymore, at least, not that often. Wow- lucky me, I feel so blessed. Of all the homes to move into, I got this one that I love, and of all the neighbours in the world, I got the best ones. I mean, its not about shoveling the driveway, or fertilizing my lawn, its about the fact that they actually care enough to go out of their way. I don't know if its because they know its just me and the kids, or if they would do it anyways, but their kindness is really overwhelming. The funny thing is, I bet they don't even have a clue how big an impact their kindness has on me, and how much it makes me reflect about myself, or about how much it rebuilds my faith in humanity. They just do it - just because that's who they are. Random acts of kindness. Pretty incredible, huh?
Anyhow, I'm off today and tomorrow, and the weekend of course. That gives me 4 days to rest. My boss insisted that I take the time to get a break (wow- I must have looked really bad that day) :-)
Its not much of a teaparty, I'm actually just doing the stuff I would have done anyways- snow tires on the car, snow boots for the kids, clean house, laundry, but its nice to be at home.
As I was on my way out of the office last night, my colleague commented again on how I really need to learn to turn the blackberry off. I think he's right, so I'm trying it. I must admit, I do have the urge to check it, but I'm fighting it :-). I even have my msn set to "appear offline" so that my colleagues and team members won't ask me work questions. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.
On another note, I have that ulcer test tomorrow. Not fun. Today's diet consists of clear liquids and laxatives to prepare for the test. Very nice. Maybe its better that I'm not in the office...That would just be all wrong.
We had snow last night and as I woke up I thought - dang- I don't even own a shovel. I guess its just another thing I didn't think of. My ex used to do all the outside stuff. I never had to touch anything like that...I guess I'm still getting used to all this manual labour. But to be honest, its still totally worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The freedom and peace I have with things the way they are - there's nothing like it. Sometimes I think back to the events that occurred right before I left, and I can't believe I let myself go through that. I'm not even ready to write about it, and I can count on one hand the number of people who actually know the truth. All I can say is that nobody should allow themselves to stay in a situation like that...Nobody. I still get nightmares and wake up at night from remembering half the stuff...But that was a year and a half ago, and it seems like a lifetime away.
Anyhow, this morning when I got the kids in the car and opened the garage- my driveway was shoveled! Those neighbours are so awesome! Who are these people, and why are they so incredibly kind to me? Mental note- extra large gift basket for them at Christmas. Mental note number two- I have to remember to reciprocate. Hmmm- Maybe I can get my 6yr old son to help me shovel the snow next time. What- like you wouldn't do the same? We can make a game out of it- let's see who can shovel faster :-)
Either way, I am totally shocked at how awesome those neighbours are. I mean, I know people like that existed back in the Beaver Cleaver days, but I really didn't expect it in today's self-centered-all-about-me world. People just aren't like that anymore, at least, not that often. Wow- lucky me, I feel so blessed. Of all the homes to move into, I got this one that I love, and of all the neighbours in the world, I got the best ones. I mean, its not about shoveling the driveway, or fertilizing my lawn, its about the fact that they actually care enough to go out of their way. I don't know if its because they know its just me and the kids, or if they would do it anyways, but their kindness is really overwhelming. The funny thing is, I bet they don't even have a clue how big an impact their kindness has on me, and how much it makes me reflect about myself, or about how much it rebuilds my faith in humanity. They just do it - just because that's who they are. Random acts of kindness. Pretty incredible, huh?
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Almost there
I NEVER thought I'd ever say this...But I cannot wait for this weekend to be over. I cannot wait for Monday to be here, because then, I will have finished all this audit prep, and although I will be exhausted, I will be human again. This is pure hell.
I don't think I've done this to my body since way back in my undergraduate years. Working all day and night nonstop to get stuff documented and overwith. I had forgotten how this feels. Its crap. Why would anyone subject themselves to this? If I see another piece of paper that says "risk plan" or "process" on it again, my head is going to crack open and a bunch of little creatures are going to come out and start dancing on the tables and chairs and wreaking havoc on the universe (ever see the movie "gremlins"?)
Yes, I know, I'm dating myself, but that's the image I have in my head. Except my creatures will probably be dancing to the macerena while wreaking havoc. Don't ask. Its almost 2am and I've only slept about 6 hours in the past 48. What do I know?
Well, I know that I'm glad the kids are at their dad's this weekend. Glad for them that is. I also know that sitting in trackpants for 2 days in a row with eyeglasses and no makeup feels really nasty. I also know that I've become so obsessed that I've resorted to eating Frosted Flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I get this done. Now that's sick. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you one thing, I DO NOT miss those university days. Frosted Flakes for dinner. What a concept. Its almost funny- I can think of a million times when I've told the children "no, you may NOT have cereal for dinner, because that's just wrong". But here I am- Frosted Flakes for dinner.
You know what? I was right- This is sooooo wrong. The other pathetic thing is that I have plenty of stuff I could eat sitting right there in the fridge, but I go for Frosted Flakes. I dunno. Its 2am. Don't even try asking me to explain all this. I'm tired. And the weird thing is, given how sick I've been lately, I REALLY should not be doing this to myself. I mean, I'm still undergoing tests for this insane ulcer, and I'm making myself sleep deprived and messing up my eating habits. But oddly enough, as an aside, one thing I do know is that all those Frosted flakes have worked wonders on the ulcer. Go figure. Must be all that milk. And sugar. OK - Now thinking of all that sugar, I just feel even nastier. I think I'm gonna be sick...
I bet when Monday comes, I will have done all this magical perfect documentation and nobody will ask for any of it. I have to tell you, if that happens, I'm going to have the biggest massive freak-O attack on the planet. I can just see myself running up to the auditors hurling stacks of paper at them yelling "you MUST read this. Its perfection, Dammit!!!!". That's when the nice men come with the white straightjacket just for me. But hey, I bet that will get me a few days of uninterrupted sleep :-)
Gosh I need sleep. I'm outta here. Almost done. 24 hours to go, and the pathetic thing is, nobody has a clue how much work I'm doing. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Well if I do all this documentation and nobody knows, does anybody care? Hmmmm I'm starting to feel really suckered right now...
I don't think I've done this to my body since way back in my undergraduate years. Working all day and night nonstop to get stuff documented and overwith. I had forgotten how this feels. Its crap. Why would anyone subject themselves to this? If I see another piece of paper that says "risk plan" or "process" on it again, my head is going to crack open and a bunch of little creatures are going to come out and start dancing on the tables and chairs and wreaking havoc on the universe (ever see the movie "gremlins"?)
Yes, I know, I'm dating myself, but that's the image I have in my head. Except my creatures will probably be dancing to the macerena while wreaking havoc. Don't ask. Its almost 2am and I've only slept about 6 hours in the past 48. What do I know?
Well, I know that I'm glad the kids are at their dad's this weekend. Glad for them that is. I also know that sitting in trackpants for 2 days in a row with eyeglasses and no makeup feels really nasty. I also know that I've become so obsessed that I've resorted to eating Frosted Flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I get this done. Now that's sick. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you one thing, I DO NOT miss those university days. Frosted Flakes for dinner. What a concept. Its almost funny- I can think of a million times when I've told the children "no, you may NOT have cereal for dinner, because that's just wrong". But here I am- Frosted Flakes for dinner.
You know what? I was right- This is sooooo wrong. The other pathetic thing is that I have plenty of stuff I could eat sitting right there in the fridge, but I go for Frosted Flakes. I dunno. Its 2am. Don't even try asking me to explain all this. I'm tired. And the weird thing is, given how sick I've been lately, I REALLY should not be doing this to myself. I mean, I'm still undergoing tests for this insane ulcer, and I'm making myself sleep deprived and messing up my eating habits. But oddly enough, as an aside, one thing I do know is that all those Frosted flakes have worked wonders on the ulcer. Go figure. Must be all that milk. And sugar. OK - Now thinking of all that sugar, I just feel even nastier. I think I'm gonna be sick...
I bet when Monday comes, I will have done all this magical perfect documentation and nobody will ask for any of it. I have to tell you, if that happens, I'm going to have the biggest massive freak-O attack on the planet. I can just see myself running up to the auditors hurling stacks of paper at them yelling "you MUST read this. Its perfection, Dammit!!!!". That's when the nice men come with the white straightjacket just for me. But hey, I bet that will get me a few days of uninterrupted sleep :-)
Gosh I need sleep. I'm outta here. Almost done. 24 hours to go, and the pathetic thing is, nobody has a clue how much work I'm doing. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Well if I do all this documentation and nobody knows, does anybody care? Hmmmm I'm starting to feel really suckered right now...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The Office Audit
I am drained. I have been working late every night this week. I know, it goes against everything I posted last week, but our department is going through an audit starting Monday, and these things have a way of taking more time out of our day than we originally expected.
It's not like our group is doing some bad stuff, and it's not like we've cut major corners or something. But audits are about documentation and paper trails, and so it's always good to double check and make sure that everything is good before someone finds a mistake for you.
I know I promised myself I wouldn't work late, and that I would take it easy. But really- this is different, and here's why: My extra effort right now is not for my own benefit. In fact, I don't think it really benefits me in any major way. (I mean, I didn't even tell my boss about all the extra work hours, so really- almost nobody knows I'm doing this).
But this is about loyalty and reciprocation, and yes, integrity. My boss has done so much for me over the years, that I owe him big time. If I can put in a few extra hours to make sure that his department looks good, I'll feel like I contributed back. Not that I don't every single day- I know I'm a great employee, and that he considers me a valuable part of the team. But still- this is about supporting someone who's always supported me.
Since this is not about personal career advancement, or about recognition, or about messed up priorities, I have no issues with the long hours. OK- Aside from the fact that the ulcer is bugging me, but really- that will have to be dealt with by slowing down next week. Not the best answer, but hey- I am going for another doctor's visit tomorrow morning, so I'm doing the best I can.
Anyhow, enough about the audit. I want to talk about something totally awesome- my parents' support. I got home at 10:15 pm today (left the office at 9), and my parents picked up the kids, fed them at their house, then brought them to my house and put them to sleep. Isn't that awesome? What amazing parents!
I came home and saw my mom lying on my couch half asleep and my dad waiting for me in my living room and I felt like I was a 17 year old, with parents who were waiting up for her. Only this time, I loved it. A 17 year old's instinct is to complain and tell her parents to leave her alone and stop keeping tabs on her. But for me, to see my parents waiting there, just doing whatever they could to help and support me, it melted my heart.
My dad asked me how everything was going. I told him it was all on track. He smiled and said "Good. That boss of yours is a good person. You make sure you do whatever you can to make this go well for him". Good old Indian Loyalty. Gotta love it. That is actually one thing about this culture that I do love. Loyalty, integrity, and yes, some of the old fashioned values.
I said some. :-)
Next- my parents asked about the ulcer, asked if I had dinner yet (I didn't), and my mom pointed to a tupperware on my counter. She said she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't eat, so she brought dinner for me. Saved. I was starved. God Bless my awesome parents.
I don't know why as teenagers we go through such a tug of war with our parents, but I have to say, parents are the best thing in the world. No matter where you go, or what you do, they will always be there for you. Funny- I had a really stressful day at the office and even as an almost-divorced-single-mom, I still get to come home to the same comfort I got when I was a little child.
I still remember those cold winter days as early as the second grade when I got home from school, only to find my mom waiting at the door for me with a warm cup of cocoa. Now that was really special. Just as special as this evening's scene of my parents waiting patiently for me in my family room. Waiting to make sure their daughter got home safely. Waiting to make sure their grandchildren were tucked in nicely. But never expecting much in return.
Some people would laugh and say that I'm too dependent, but really I'm not. I'm actually very independent, and rather confident about that. Some would say that I get pampered too much by my family. Others have actually told me to back away, and not let my parents be so involved in my life. I would respond by saying that those people don't know what they're missing. :-)
It's not like our group is doing some bad stuff, and it's not like we've cut major corners or something. But audits are about documentation and paper trails, and so it's always good to double check and make sure that everything is good before someone finds a mistake for you.
I know I promised myself I wouldn't work late, and that I would take it easy. But really- this is different, and here's why: My extra effort right now is not for my own benefit. In fact, I don't think it really benefits me in any major way. (I mean, I didn't even tell my boss about all the extra work hours, so really- almost nobody knows I'm doing this).
But this is about loyalty and reciprocation, and yes, integrity. My boss has done so much for me over the years, that I owe him big time. If I can put in a few extra hours to make sure that his department looks good, I'll feel like I contributed back. Not that I don't every single day- I know I'm a great employee, and that he considers me a valuable part of the team. But still- this is about supporting someone who's always supported me.
Since this is not about personal career advancement, or about recognition, or about messed up priorities, I have no issues with the long hours. OK- Aside from the fact that the ulcer is bugging me, but really- that will have to be dealt with by slowing down next week. Not the best answer, but hey- I am going for another doctor's visit tomorrow morning, so I'm doing the best I can.
Anyhow, enough about the audit. I want to talk about something totally awesome- my parents' support. I got home at 10:15 pm today (left the office at 9), and my parents picked up the kids, fed them at their house, then brought them to my house and put them to sleep. Isn't that awesome? What amazing parents!
I came home and saw my mom lying on my couch half asleep and my dad waiting for me in my living room and I felt like I was a 17 year old, with parents who were waiting up for her. Only this time, I loved it. A 17 year old's instinct is to complain and tell her parents to leave her alone and stop keeping tabs on her. But for me, to see my parents waiting there, just doing whatever they could to help and support me, it melted my heart.
My dad asked me how everything was going. I told him it was all on track. He smiled and said "Good. That boss of yours is a good person. You make sure you do whatever you can to make this go well for him". Good old Indian Loyalty. Gotta love it. That is actually one thing about this culture that I do love. Loyalty, integrity, and yes, some of the old fashioned values.
I said some. :-)
Next- my parents asked about the ulcer, asked if I had dinner yet (I didn't), and my mom pointed to a tupperware on my counter. She said she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't eat, so she brought dinner for me. Saved. I was starved. God Bless my awesome parents.
I don't know why as teenagers we go through such a tug of war with our parents, but I have to say, parents are the best thing in the world. No matter where you go, or what you do, they will always be there for you. Funny- I had a really stressful day at the office and even as an almost-divorced-single-mom, I still get to come home to the same comfort I got when I was a little child.
I still remember those cold winter days as early as the second grade when I got home from school, only to find my mom waiting at the door for me with a warm cup of cocoa. Now that was really special. Just as special as this evening's scene of my parents waiting patiently for me in my family room. Waiting to make sure their daughter got home safely. Waiting to make sure their grandchildren were tucked in nicely. But never expecting much in return.
Some people would laugh and say that I'm too dependent, but really I'm not. I'm actually very independent, and rather confident about that. Some would say that I get pampered too much by my family. Others have actually told me to back away, and not let my parents be so involved in my life. I would respond by saying that those people don't know what they're missing. :-)
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Happiness vs. Stress
I spoke to a girlfriend last night, and she had an interesting perspective. We talked about this ulcer, and I expressed my disappointment in myself. I told her that I thought that I had come a long way, and that this made me feel like I was a bit delusional...Again.
She spoke to me about happiness. She said that in all the years that she's known me, she's never seen me this happy or calm. Yes, I have a busy lifestyle, but I seemed to be in an entirely different space altogether. I agreed with her in that. The stress in my life is about calendar, stuff to do, capacity at work, etc. I would describe it as physical stress. But the truth is, I don't really feel any emotional stress. I feel much calmer, and much more at peace these days. So she pointed out that an ulcer doesn't mean that I'm not better off, or that I haven't done well, but it does mean I still have to slow down. Nobody's perfect, right?
Well, that made me feel better, and I think she's right. She pointed out that moving was the next biggest stress next to death of a spouse and divorce. That's true. I just went through a move, a new adjustment for me and the children, and I had to deal with issues around the divorce. So maybe I'm just being too hard on myself? These things ARE stressful, but I do think I'm handling them well. At the same time, I think comments like the one about me needing to park the blackberry are also accurate. I could help myself slow down if I really tried. I'm going to try those suggestions as well. One step at a time, right?
One thing that my friend told me yesterday was that she saw a difference in my children. That they seemed calmer and happier, and I think she was being honest. And, she said, "not calmer and happier and doing well GIVEN your situation. Just overall- no qualifiers". So, if they seem to be doing well, and better than before, and I feel more at ease, I guess the only stuff left to do is manage the capacity stuff....But accept that the emotional element is well on its way. That I can deal with.
Thank God for awesome friends. Where would we be without them?
She spoke to me about happiness. She said that in all the years that she's known me, she's never seen me this happy or calm. Yes, I have a busy lifestyle, but I seemed to be in an entirely different space altogether. I agreed with her in that. The stress in my life is about calendar, stuff to do, capacity at work, etc. I would describe it as physical stress. But the truth is, I don't really feel any emotional stress. I feel much calmer, and much more at peace these days. So she pointed out that an ulcer doesn't mean that I'm not better off, or that I haven't done well, but it does mean I still have to slow down. Nobody's perfect, right?
Well, that made me feel better, and I think she's right. She pointed out that moving was the next biggest stress next to death of a spouse and divorce. That's true. I just went through a move, a new adjustment for me and the children, and I had to deal with issues around the divorce. So maybe I'm just being too hard on myself? These things ARE stressful, but I do think I'm handling them well. At the same time, I think comments like the one about me needing to park the blackberry are also accurate. I could help myself slow down if I really tried. I'm going to try those suggestions as well. One step at a time, right?
One thing that my friend told me yesterday was that she saw a difference in my children. That they seemed calmer and happier, and I think she was being honest. And, she said, "not calmer and happier and doing well GIVEN your situation. Just overall- no qualifiers". So, if they seem to be doing well, and better than before, and I feel more at ease, I guess the only stuff left to do is manage the capacity stuff....But accept that the emotional element is well on its way. That I can deal with.
Thank God for awesome friends. Where would we be without them?
Friday, November 11, 2005
My Body Defies Me
Well this is a weird space to be in. I've spent a whole year and a half telling myself that I am ok, that I've learned from my past, and that I will never let history repeat itself. Lying in that hospital bed in March 2004, I swore that I would never let myself be there again, that I would never let stress take over, and that my body would never again feel the impact of my lifestyle. And just two weeks ago, I had myself convinced that I was doing better, that I was living stress free and that I had finally managed to get things under control. I was happy and hopeful, and then my body defied me once again. Told me that I'm wrong, that I still haven't slowed down, that I still need to work on this.
I'm feeling a bit defeated...I mean I thought I was on the right track, I thought I had reached a point where I was very conscious of slowing down and taking it easy, but apparently, I was wrong. Apparently I was just as delusional as I was when I was being CT scanned in the hospital March 2004, 20 minutes after being ambulanced in, telling the doctors that I was NOT stressed out. Not stressed, yet I was in a miserable marriage, contemplating divorce, financial pressures were nuts, and I had been working about 15 hours a day on a 13 month project (I kid you not). Delusional. Completely delusional. Yet, two days ago, I sat scrunched over in the chair in my doctors office begging him to help the ulcer pain. We've been working on this ulcer for months, and now its gotten really bad. I mean, high levels of bleeding bad. Where the hell did I go wrong? Dr. Clive asked me about stress levels, and I assured him that everything was good. But then he got annoyed (and he NEVER gets irritated with me). He said something along the lines of "lets see- You've moved into a new house in July, you're dealing with the children almost full time, your bi-polar ex who won't leave you alone moved a minute walk from your house, and you've started working extended hours to manage your workload at the office. Oh yeah, of course, this can't be stress related. When will you open your eyes?"
I wanted to cry. I mean, I REALLY believed that I wasn't stressed. I told my good friend this story today and she basically said "you're surprised? This is your cycle...You think you're superwoman, you tell yourself you're ok, your body reacts or shuts down and you slow down for a bit..."
Well, yes, now that you put it that way, I guess it is my cycle. But I REALLY thought this time was different. I was actually proud of myself. So now, well....What now? What else can I possibly change? Turn off the blackberry more? Sure- let's evaluate that- hmmm I'm a single mom and the sole breadwinner for this home. Yeah, screwing up at work is a fabulous idea. What other ideas? Go to bed early? Yes, I suppose the lunch fairy will come over and pack my son's lunch. Get to work early? Sure- you get these kids out of bed in the morning. No luck there. So what now?
I cannot explain the intense frustration. I'm lying here unable to move cuz of this freakin pain, and I'm lost, cuz I really believed this time I was different. I'm going to go and re-read Gabor Mate's book "when the body says no"...Maybe that will knock some sense back into me. My friend is right. This is my cycle...But I really wish it wasn't. And while I will not let go of the fact that I have made significant changes over the past year and a half, perhaps I need to accept the fact that there is still quite a long road ahead, quite alot of work to be done, and quite alot of things I still need to learn and evaluate. I'm going to accept this as a gift from God, as another wake up call, just like the hospital visit in March 2004. Time to re-evaluate. Time to reprioritize, time to focus on ME.
I'm feeling a bit defeated...I mean I thought I was on the right track, I thought I had reached a point where I was very conscious of slowing down and taking it easy, but apparently, I was wrong. Apparently I was just as delusional as I was when I was being CT scanned in the hospital March 2004, 20 minutes after being ambulanced in, telling the doctors that I was NOT stressed out. Not stressed, yet I was in a miserable marriage, contemplating divorce, financial pressures were nuts, and I had been working about 15 hours a day on a 13 month project (I kid you not). Delusional. Completely delusional. Yet, two days ago, I sat scrunched over in the chair in my doctors office begging him to help the ulcer pain. We've been working on this ulcer for months, and now its gotten really bad. I mean, high levels of bleeding bad. Where the hell did I go wrong? Dr. Clive asked me about stress levels, and I assured him that everything was good. But then he got annoyed (and he NEVER gets irritated with me). He said something along the lines of "lets see- You've moved into a new house in July, you're dealing with the children almost full time, your bi-polar ex who won't leave you alone moved a minute walk from your house, and you've started working extended hours to manage your workload at the office. Oh yeah, of course, this can't be stress related. When will you open your eyes?"
I wanted to cry. I mean, I REALLY believed that I wasn't stressed. I told my good friend this story today and she basically said "you're surprised? This is your cycle...You think you're superwoman, you tell yourself you're ok, your body reacts or shuts down and you slow down for a bit..."
Well, yes, now that you put it that way, I guess it is my cycle. But I REALLY thought this time was different. I was actually proud of myself. So now, well....What now? What else can I possibly change? Turn off the blackberry more? Sure- let's evaluate that- hmmm I'm a single mom and the sole breadwinner for this home. Yeah, screwing up at work is a fabulous idea. What other ideas? Go to bed early? Yes, I suppose the lunch fairy will come over and pack my son's lunch. Get to work early? Sure- you get these kids out of bed in the morning. No luck there. So what now?
I cannot explain the intense frustration. I'm lying here unable to move cuz of this freakin pain, and I'm lost, cuz I really believed this time I was different. I'm going to go and re-read Gabor Mate's book "when the body says no"...Maybe that will knock some sense back into me. My friend is right. This is my cycle...But I really wish it wasn't. And while I will not let go of the fact that I have made significant changes over the past year and a half, perhaps I need to accept the fact that there is still quite a long road ahead, quite alot of work to be done, and quite alot of things I still need to learn and evaluate. I'm going to accept this as a gift from God, as another wake up call, just like the hospital visit in March 2004. Time to re-evaluate. Time to reprioritize, time to focus on ME.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Save the Puppies
I have to recount this story. It made me smile. A few days ago, I took my son to the pet store to look at the puppies. This pet store doesn't have a cage or glass, they actually have this little fence built around the puppies so you can touch them from over the fence, or through the mesh. My son had a blast. "Look at those puppies mommy- they are so cute!"
I watched him play with the puppies for about 20 minutes. There were 4 white little puppies in that cage. 3 of them were really tiny, and one was a bit bigger. Eventually, they started fighting. The bigger one started barking and biting the other 3, who were yelping and whining. I watched this for a couple of minutes, and then saw the expression on my son's face. "Honey- are you ok"?
"No mommy- we need to buy that big puppy". The big one? That was bizarre...It was the mean one that was causing all the trouble. "Why the big one?"...."Because, Mommy- if we don't buy him, he will KILL the other doggies and that would be VERY bad. We have to buy the big one to get him away from the little ones. We just HAVE to."
Wow...A bit altruistic there buddy, aren't ya? Um ok so I thought I'd ask him- did it occur to you that if we buy the mean doggie, WE would have to deal with him living in our house? (OK- This is a theoretical discussion only, cuz the fact is, there is no puppy thing happening in my house. Not now, not ever. But I had to ask the question). My son said "it doesn't matter. If we save the other dogs, they will be happy, and then I will be happy cuz they're too cute and we need to help them".
Adorable. I really don't think all kids think like this little guy. I know every parent thinks their child is the brightest, the nicest, the best kid on the planet, but make no mistake, I am NOT that parent. I know his flaws, and I know his strengths...But his incredible ability to care for others does overwhelm me sometimes.
This child is a little utilitarian. The greater happiness outweighs everything else. 3 puppies would be better off if we took the big one off their hands, so that's what we will do, even if it means we don't get to take home the best puppy.
I left the pet store hand in hand with my son thinking, wow- I hope he continues to be this way. I like his compassion, his care, his sensitivity. There are enough insensitive guys in this world, and not enough of the good ones. If I can actually help to keep my son where he is, nurture him, care for him, but teach him to be confident about himself at the same time- maybe, just maybe, he will be one of the good ones when he gets older. Maybe he will be one of the selfless ones who is capable of caring about others, and being in tune with his feelings and emotions, instead of putting up a brick wall, or hiding his compassionate side in an attempt to be more "macho".
I really hope that I am able to help raise my son in that manner. I hope I can raise him to be strong, confident, compassionate, but still a gentleman. If I can raise my son to be one of those men, I will definitely feel that I was a success as a mother.
I watched him play with the puppies for about 20 minutes. There were 4 white little puppies in that cage. 3 of them were really tiny, and one was a bit bigger. Eventually, they started fighting. The bigger one started barking and biting the other 3, who were yelping and whining. I watched this for a couple of minutes, and then saw the expression on my son's face. "Honey- are you ok"?
"No mommy- we need to buy that big puppy". The big one? That was bizarre...It was the mean one that was causing all the trouble. "Why the big one?"...."Because, Mommy- if we don't buy him, he will KILL the other doggies and that would be VERY bad. We have to buy the big one to get him away from the little ones. We just HAVE to."
Wow...A bit altruistic there buddy, aren't ya? Um ok so I thought I'd ask him- did it occur to you that if we buy the mean doggie, WE would have to deal with him living in our house? (OK- This is a theoretical discussion only, cuz the fact is, there is no puppy thing happening in my house. Not now, not ever. But I had to ask the question). My son said "it doesn't matter. If we save the other dogs, they will be happy, and then I will be happy cuz they're too cute and we need to help them".
Adorable. I really don't think all kids think like this little guy. I know every parent thinks their child is the brightest, the nicest, the best kid on the planet, but make no mistake, I am NOT that parent. I know his flaws, and I know his strengths...But his incredible ability to care for others does overwhelm me sometimes.
This child is a little utilitarian. The greater happiness outweighs everything else. 3 puppies would be better off if we took the big one off their hands, so that's what we will do, even if it means we don't get to take home the best puppy.
I left the pet store hand in hand with my son thinking, wow- I hope he continues to be this way. I like his compassion, his care, his sensitivity. There are enough insensitive guys in this world, and not enough of the good ones. If I can actually help to keep my son where he is, nurture him, care for him, but teach him to be confident about himself at the same time- maybe, just maybe, he will be one of the good ones when he gets older. Maybe he will be one of the selfless ones who is capable of caring about others, and being in tune with his feelings and emotions, instead of putting up a brick wall, or hiding his compassionate side in an attempt to be more "macho".
I really hope that I am able to help raise my son in that manner. I hope I can raise him to be strong, confident, compassionate, but still a gentleman. If I can raise my son to be one of those men, I will definitely feel that I was a success as a mother.
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