Monday, May 29, 2006

TTC Strike

You would think the TTC strike would not affect someone who has the option of driving into the office. Wrong. Try driving in when there is 3x the traffic. Bad times. I tried today, and was stuck for 2 hours, and then I decided to turn around and come back home. Forget it. Not worth it at all. No big deal. I got a chance to work from home and that was worth it. Better than attempting the insane commute home after work.

As for my weekend, I had a fantastic weekend. Really wonderful time. I had some friends over from NY and we had a nice time together. It was nice spending time with them, and we had a fun evening at Sassafraz on Saturday night as well. They're gone now, but I do hope to see them again soon. Maybe I'll manage a trip out to NY sometime in the future. Yaay shopping. :-)

Well back to reality...The commute to work tomorrow, and the usual drill of picking up the kids etc....it was nice to have a change for the past couple of days. I think I'm going to take some time off to go away with the children this summer. It's been a long time since I went away on a vacation. It's long overdue for us.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Pajama Day

I feel like such a bad, bad, mother. I just found out that today was pajama day at my son's school. I usually write every single event in my calendar, and somehow I forgot this one. I feel so horribly. I don't know how it slipped my mind. The weird thing is, last week, my son reminded me that it would be this Friday. I told him that I wouldn't forget. I forgot. I can't believe I forgot. It's not like me to be disorganized or to forget stuff. I feel really really bad.

I know in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal. I mean, it's not like he will go through life scarred because mommy forgot to put pajamas on him on pajama day or something, but the point is, I wonder if I forgot because I'm a single mom trying to do this on my own. I mean, if I was still with my ex, would I have forgotten? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that I was better off with my ex, I certainly wasn't. I'm just wondering if I'm dropping the ball on things as a result of being on my own?

Last week, my son had a Jump Rope for Heart at school. A month before, he had another fundraising event. I don't like sponsoring all these events, nor do I like asking friends to sponsor. I sponsored him last month. For last week's jump rope, I chose not to sponsor or send a form. I hate asking people for money. My son said he was the only one who didn't do it. I didn't care at the time because, well- two or three fundraising events in a month is just too much. Too bad is what I think....But now I'm wondering if I'm being a bad mother. I don't want my son to look like the bad kid at school, but really, I don't want to do all these fundraising things, and the pajama thing was an oversight.

To top it off, I got a flaming email today from my ex about how upset our son is that he was the only one not wearing pajamas, and about how irresponsible a mother I am. I mean, I feed them, bathe them, dress them, listen to them, support them emotionally. I didn't mean to upset my son....And I would like to think that I'm far from irresponsible. I know today's oversight was a bit irresponsible of me, and I feel horribly, but it was an oversight.

Sigh. OK...Rant over. I'm going to go and calm my guilty conscience. Ice cream anyone?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Wait 4 to 6 Weeks...

This is the response from the lawyer's office. Sheesh. You'd think I mail ordered something off the internet. What the heck is this? Internet divorce application- your package will come in the mail? (Actually, now that I think about it, someone should do that...It would have been a heck of a lot easier than the process I am going through). Anyhow, the law office said that the second set of papers have been filed. 4 to 6 weeks and I should get the court decisions in the mail, and that's it. No more court dates, no more meetings, no more signatures. It seems so...Uneventful.

Don't get me wrong, uneventful is good, especially given what I've gone through thus far. There's just something weird about getting an envelope in the mail that says "Congratulations. You have been accepted back into singlehood". Odd. I thought AT LEAST I would get served papers or something. Either way, 4 to 6 weeks it is. I'm not complaining at all. Just surprised I suppose.

My ex's lawyer made it a point to mention that if I'm "looking to remarry" I need to go back to the court 30 days after receiving the papers to get a stamp of approval to show that I am eligible to remarry. I explained that I'm in no rush for that and he seemed surprised. I think he thinks that I've been pushing things along so I could remarry someone that I have waiting on the side or something. Imagine that...Me? Wow.....What does he think, that I'm a sucker for pain? I mean, I just got out of the crappiest relationship this world has ever seen, do you REALLY think I'm going to jump into marriage again? HELL NO! How stupid do you think I am??? I'm actually a bit amused, a bit shocked and a bit insulted all at once. :-)

So- 4 to 6 weeks. Hmmm....I sense a divorce party coming on. If anyone objects to the concept of a divorce party, you're not invited. I might however, be nice and call it a "freedom party", but I'm a bit afraid someone will take it to mean I'm an American or something. Joke. Divorce party it is. Hooray for parties. Hooray for freedom. Hooray for the good friends I will have by my side!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Dating Game

Here's a question- Why do some people not consider or understand the impacts of their actions? I have a friend who met someone recently. She for all fine purposes really liked this person a lot. He said that they were friends, yet behaved otherwise. When things progressed, he told her that he "wasn't interested in anyone at all" and that he didn't know if he wanted a long term relationship or any form of relationship. She cried. She was hurt. He claimed that he didn't understand why she was so hurt. Holy disconnect.

I look at her story and I think to myself "what the..." I mean, what is the deal? From what I'm hearing, this is not an uncommon story. My question is- how is it that a guy doesn't know what he wants out of life? And to be honest, if you don't know what you want out of life, why should you be aloud to go around breaking people's hearts and making them so upset? This is not a fair way to approach things, and in my opinion...it is just wrong. I know in some cases, there are people who genuinely don't know how they feel about someone until they are "in" the situation, but it still doesn't negate the fact that the other party still ends up feeling hurt.

I hear that this is not uncommon for men. Break a heart, walk away. On another, but equally unfair note, I know of someone who dates multiple girls at a time and one never knows about the other. People around him laugh and joke, but quite frankly, I find it disgusting. I mean, where is the integrity? Don't women deserve to be treated with respect? Hell- don't all people deserve to be treated with respect?

My Muslim friends will come in now and say that this is one of the things that can be avoided by not casually dating. Devout Muslims don't date casually, and therefore manage to avoid the multiple heartbreaks. Please don't feed me that garbage. I know enough women in our community who have had husbands cheat on them, treat them with indifference, or other forms of disrespect. It just isn't right. This problem occurs regardless of which community you belong to, regardless of whether you're married or single. And I'm sorry to say this, but truthfully, the Muslim community isn't any better than any other in this regard. Trust me, I've been on the single side of the fence. I've met many jerks in the past few months, all of them Muslim. There is just as little integrity left in our community as there is in any other. Sad but true.

I'm not trying to male bash here. I'm not saying that women are angels. I've seen many brutal women too, just as many in fact, so it works both ways. I just want to understand why people in general think they have a right to trample on other people's hearts and feelings and why they think they have the right to toy around? It's not right. It's unfair. It lacks integrity. Trying to meet people has become nothing shy of a fake-o-rama dating game, and there is no room in it for honest people.

I think lately, I've been looking around, watching the world around me, and to be honest, I'm finding it to be a really disappointing place. Relationships are fickle. People are selfish, and there are very few good ones left in the world. Just when you think you meet good people, you learn otherwise. What's the point? Why bother? I think I'm going to build myself a bubble and live in it. Don't trust anyone, don't get hurt. I've had enough garbage in my life not to want to invite anymore in. I don't think I will be up for the dating game. I don't think I'm up for the heartbreak. I think I'll just raise my children on my own, live in my bubble and stay away from relationships. Well, at least for now. That way, I can avoid becoming the girl with the "what the??" in her head as the guy walks away after telling her that he's "not interested"...

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

You Know a Good Friend When...

When they are almost telepathic with you. I have a few friends like this. It's funny how I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have many close friends who are almost telepathic in how they read my emotions. Sometimes it's actually kind of freaky. Other times, it's actually kind of touching.

A few people come to mind when I think of these rare relationships. One is my friend at the office who I've referred to as my tissue box friend. She always seems to know when I'm down, and she always shows up to hear me out, tissue box in hand. Lately, she has come with chocolate in hand, knowing that chocolate is like my one big stress relief. God I love her.

Then there is Mich. She always seems to telepathically know what mood I'm in. There have been nights where I have said "I wanna be alone", not really meaning it, and 10 minutes my doorbell rings and it's her saying "The hell you're gonna be alone". Or like Sunday morning when I was a bit down, she rang my doorbell so we could drive to the US. I opened the door and she handed me a Diet Pepsi, and a mint chocolate bar. "You sounded like you needed it...Just don't eat more than a piece of the chocolate...Deal?" Man....Some friends are like angels.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now. You get the point. My question is- What is it that makes some friends better than others? How do some friends develop this almost telepathic ability with eachother, and how do you find more of them?

Monday, May 22, 2006

Homework Pileups

My ex brought back the children this morning. I was so happy to see them. I miss them when they're away. My ex however, conveniently "forgot" to do homework with my son. He gets about 3 hours of homework a weekend, so his little oversight means that I'm stuck doing it now, and therefore canceling my day plans. I was going to take the children to visit my two girlfriends, both of which had babies last week, but I have to put those plans off for another time...Sigh. Thankfully, my friends are understanding. If I tell them the truth about what happened, they won't mind. I know it was totally intentional on his part....But what else can I do- NOT do the homework? Nope...So here I go. Man. He is like one of those guys who gets to control me even when he's out of my life. It never ends.

Anyhow, today is Rich's birthday. If I ever get this homework done, we will drop by to wish him well. My kids are looking forward to seeing him again, it's been too long.

Aside from the homework issue, I overall am feeling good today. I have the children with me, the house is clean, and its all just quality time. I love quality time. Even if it does involve homework.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Long Day

I am so tired. Mich and I went to Buffalo to pick up Rich. He's home for a couple of weeks to visit his family. We had planned it so that we could pick him up by 2pm and then maybe shop for a couple of hours and come home. As it turns out, the line up at the border was 2 hours long!!! Waiting to get across the border to get to the Buffalo Airport- ARG! Mich and I were so frustrated and poor Rich ended up waiting 2 hours for us. By the time we got him and had lunch, the Outlet Mall was pretty much closed :-( It's like dangling a carrot in front of me and taking it away and eating it yourself. Sheer torture - boo hoo. On the bright side, I have my bro in town. Whoo hoo.

So, now I am totally tired, and desperately in need of sleep. Hooray for sleep. And for a clean house. I am so glad I cleaned up before I went...It's like total peace for me right now.

Tomorrow, my babies come home. I can't wait to see them. I really miss them when they are away. Especially this time. On Thursday, when I dropped my daughter off at school, she had pulled a piece of hair out of her ponytail and basically messed it up. I pulled out a brush and combed it before sending her in. Her teacher smiled and watched and then came to me and said that she looked like a little princess. When my daughter gleefully ran into the classroom, her teacher turned to me and said "Yesterday I told your daughter she looked like a princess. Do you know what her response was? She said that she looked like a princess because her mother is the most beautiful princess in the whole world, and one day she wants to be as pretty as you".

That melted my heart. The teacher said "You know when a child really loves their parent by the way they talk when the parent isn't around. Your daughter adores you." Again- melted my heart.

I love these children. It's the little things like this that keep me motivated.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Weird Headspace

I've been in a bit of a zoned out headspace for the past couple of days. I don't quite feel like myself. I've been telling myself it's the weather, but I'm not so sure. I think that I have a tendency to forget how much is actually on my plate from an emotional perspective...So, just a reminder that I need to keep better track of that. It's like I go about my life, but stuff just seems to be burdening my soul in the background. I think my friends are right...I think too much.

On another note, I am getting better at taking care of myself in some ways. I am better at saying no to people, and at evaluating what's right for me, even if it involves a difficult decision. I took care of one issue on Friday. This involved putting the breaks on a situation that wasn't working for me. It was actually depleting me emotionally, and I've taken care of it in the only way I could. It was difficult, and emotional, but I'm proud of myself.

So, as for today, the children are with their father, so I spent most of the day just doing housecleaning. I went out with Mich and we picked up some flowers for my front yard. Originally, we planned to plant the flowers, but fortunately, Costco sold the already potted ones for pretty much the same price as the un-potted ones. That means no hands in the dirt time for me. Awesome, cuz I hate dirt. What a bonus. I came home and put the pots and hangers along the porch. A weekend of gardening time saved. It doesn't get better than that. Maybe I'll use the extra time to paint my toenails :-) or read the Oprah magazine I picked up. Now that's a better plan for the long weekend :-)

The DaVinci Code

I went out with some friends this evening. Just got home. It's 2am. We went to see the Davinci Code. I actually really liked the movie. I think it was probably even better because I never read the book. Kind of like suspense the whole way through. I'm glad I went out. I really had to get my mind off certain things, so it was a nice break, and much needed in my opinion.

I basically went with a group of 25 people. I only knew one person of the 25 (it was a Muslim professional networking group that had made the arrangements), and my friend had recommended I join them, and he was kind enough to arrange a ticket for me as well. I had a nice time, and everyone went for dessert after (always nice to meet new people).

It's weird. Before I left, one of my friends (non Muslim) called me to ask if I knew anything about the "protest" that was happening at 2pm at Sheppard Ave. I asked what protest and he said that some Muslim organization had arranged a protest over the DaVinci Code. My response, no I didn't know, nor do I care. I'm going to see the movie tonight, with 25 other Muslims. The response I got, "yeah, you always were an anomaly".

OK- WHERE do I start. I am SO irritated. Irritated that I have to get a call and defend myself. Irritated that I have to be seen as an anomaly. Irritated that I'm actually thankful that I'm seen as an anomaly (it irritates me, not because I want to be seen as the "norm" but because that's how bad the norm has gotten). Most of all, I'm irritated that this stupid community cannot stop with the negative bloody publicity. PLEASE for the love of GOD. Some of us are trying to live normal lives. Why the hell do these morons have to come along and ruin it for us and put us in a perpetually defensive position? I hate it.

I don't even understand what the heck they are protesting. I mean- what's the issue? Muslims don't see Jesus as God, so the implication in the movie that he was actually not a deity, well that fits more into a Muslim philosophy than anything else. But let's not even debate this fact...It's like, "HELLO- did you NOT get the part when they said the movie was fiction?" Fiction means- not true, not implying that it's true.

Here's my recommendation. If stupid people have too much time on their hands, they should find useful things to do. If the movie really bugs you, write a petition or something. Don't clog up our roads with your stupid protests, and don't show the world how stupid and irrational you can be. You just ruin it for the rest of us. Have we not had enough negative publicity already?

Man, this stuff tires me out. If this keeps up, more and more, the world will start to see people like myself as the anomaly, not the norm. I know the "normal" Muslims outnumber the whako ones. The only problem is the normal ones aren't vocal enough. Many don't want to air our dirty laundry and reveal our infighting and disagreements to the rest of the world. My recommendation- air away baby. That's the only way the world will see that there are normal thinkers in our community. Many of them. And we are the norm. The anomaly is the handful of psychos with their opinionated and backwards viewpoints being flashed in front of the media on what feels like a daily basis. If we don't speak up, they will be seen as the norm, and we (the normal peace loving Muslims) will have contributed to it with our silence.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Children who Hate their Mothers

My children and I were chatting at the dinner table at my parent's home tonight. My son was telling me about his day at school, his recess break, the games he played with his friends, what he learned, etc. Then he told me about the conversation he had with his school mates.

He said some of the boys were talking about how difficult their mothers are, and how much they HATE their mothers. This was shocking to me. I mean these are 6 yr old boys. SIX!! How can a six year old boy be capable of hating anyone, let alone his mother? Every bone in my body wanted to stop my son and tell him that those children have bad behavior, that it's wrong to disrespect your parents and talk about them in that fashion. But I thought to myself....I am the only stable parent these children have. The least I can do is listen to them, hear them out, and be their friend. So I listened. I am so glad that I did.

My son proceeded to ask me "Mommy- why do those kids hate their mothers? Don't all moms care about their children the way you do about us? I could never hate you...you are the best person in the world, and you love us more than anyone else ever could." This of course, totally melted my heart. What a little prince. I explained that while yes, all mothers care dearly for their children, we are all human and make mistakes at times, and sometimes mothers can say or do inappropriate things. But that doesn't mean that anyone should talk badly about them.

My son then said "Mommy- if you ever say or do anything bad, I will forgive you. I will never talk badly about you. You are the best person in the world." Now, I know he's not going to think that about me forever, but wow...On a day when all the children in his class were talking badly about their parents, my little one came home and confided in me about how much it bothered him to hear the conversation. What a child. What a gift. What a blessing. Maybe, just maybe, all my efforts are paying off in some way or another. Wow. What relief.

Here's the other kicker from my conversation with my son today. When we got home, my son and I were talking as I was dressing the children for bed. My son said "Mommy- I know that you and daddy aren't married anymore. I know that you are alone with us, and you know what, you're a great mommy. I hope you fall in love some day and get married." I froze. Like, literally froze. "What? Why are you saying this honey? Don't you like it with just the three of us?" "Yes mommy, but I want you to fall in love with someone, even if its not my dad".

WOW. Talk about a six year old boy being well beyond his years. I can't describe how flattered I am that this little guy cares so much about me, that he is actually capable of thinking of my best interests. I can't believe that he would even make such a recommendation, when we know full well that every child in the world wants nothing more than to have both of their biological parents together.

I don't need to look for a prince. Mine is already here with me.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Little Gifts From God

This is actually a cute story, and a good example of how children listen to everything we say, and that they retain all of it. It's also a good example of how these wee ones can manage to twist everything we say and use it to their advantage.

I was tucking my daughter and son in and they were going buck wild...They didn't want to sleep and were jumping around, talking, making excuses to go to the bathroom, requesting a snack, anything to avoid sleeping. After several attempts to settle them down, I must admit, I became a bit irritated and told them something along the lines of if they don't go to bed right this minute, I would no longer spend all my time staying with them and tucking them in. If they wanted to jump around, I would go to my room and they could tuck themselves in. (Hey- don't judge me. Many mothers would have said much worse).

Anyhow. My daughter recalled that I had once told her that children are a gift from God. Children are both a gift because they bring us such pleasure as well as a responsibility because God has entrusted parents to take care of them and raise them well. She heard my words and scolded:

"Mommy- is that how you treat gifts from God? We are your presents. You have to treat us kindly. Walking away and not tucking us in isn't very nice. If you do that, God will be really angry at you".

OK- Talk about your own words biting you in the butt. I was dumbfounded. Um- well ok how do I respond now? So I said:

"Did I forget to tell you that I'm YOUR gift from God? He could have given you a mean witchy mommy but instead he gave you a mommy like me. If you don't appreciate me and treat me with respect, then YOU are making God angry too".

My daughter's response? "Mommy- who is he angrier at, me or you?"

I was not prepared to go into battle with a 4 year old at bedtime. So I said, "Both of us. Can we please try harder?" She agreed. Saved.

Oh yeah....Some days I am SO NOT looking forward to the conversations we will have when these guys hit their teenage years. Calgon take me away....

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there. At the end of the day, we all do the very best we can with the resources we've been given. Some of us manage better than others, some of us have a harder time than others, but mothers are mothers, and we all love our children, and as long as we put in as much as we possibly can to succeed at this role, well, that's all anyone can ask. It's true- any woman can give birth, but it takes a lot more than that to be a mother.

Today, I've especially been thinking of the single moms out there. It's so hard to manage on your own, yet we all do the very best we can. To my single mother counterparts...Chin up...As tough as it can be, just be grateful for the children that you have, and know that all you can do is your very best. As hard as it is to raise children on your own, I truly believe that somewhere along the way there will be balance, and that it will all even out in the end. I am personally hoping that the physical and emotional challenges of being a single mom may one day be offset by the challenges we face as single moms later on down the line, or by the reward of having done it. Perhaps that's just wishful thinking, or perhaps that's my way of keeping my sanity and surviving through each day- knowing that when I look back on this time, it will hopefully have been worth each and every minute. As it stands so far, I can say that it is. Either way, I am eternally grateful for the experience of being a mother, and that I have such incredibly beautiful children to call my own.

As for me, I spent the morning alone with the children. I made them a nice Sunday Brunch at home, and then we spent some time just chatting and cuddling. They made cards for me at school, so I opened them with the children. We then proceeded to the florist to pick flowers for my mother. I had purchased sugar free chocolates from Laura Secord yesterday, so my son gave her the flowers, and my daughter gave her the chocolates. I gave her the hug :-)

So, we spent the afternoon at my mom and dad's place, and now we are back home. I'm doing homework with the children and then it will be bedtime for them. I went to see Mich today as well. Dropped off a small gift for her too. God Bless Mich. She gave me a Burberry cologne for mother's day. Believe it or not, that is the first Mother's Day present I have ever received. I was very touched.

I had originally planned to take the children to the ButterflyConservatory today. But, because the weather was a bit on the chilly side, I decided to save it for another time. It's ok. The main thing for today was getting to see my mom, and we got to do that. Overall, I would say it was a nice day.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Save the Tsunami Children

Honestly, sometimes my daughter says things that just melt my heart. Last night when I was putting her to bed, we were going through the usual ritual where we pray for the ones we love. She stopped in the middle of our prayers and said:

"Mommy- what happened to the Tsunami Children?"
"What do you mean, baby?"
"Lots of them lost their mommies and daddies. Who tucks them in at night?"
"Sweetheart, I don't know who is tucking them in at night. I think some of them have new parents maybe"...
"But mommy- new parents can't tuck you in like your own. You're the best mother in the world. Nobody would ever tuck me in better than you"...
"Baby, I know, but be thankful. I'm still here and so are you. Mommy is here with you"....
"But I'm sad...I want them to have a mommy- what if there are one or two left without a mommy?"
"Honey- I know, but many people are also adopting those children. That means they get to go to a new home, with people who will try their best to take care of them and be good to them"
"Mommy- nobody is a better mother than you. You're kind and fair. You should take those children. Then we will know that they will be ok....Can you call them here"...
"Oh baby...That's really sweet of you...But...I'm not sure if we can do that right now...But maybe we can send them some money and toys, and of course, our prayers for them are the most important of all"...

I felt so crappy giving such a garbage answer. Of course toys and money can't replace a mother. Yet, it took the words of an innocent child to remind me how much loss there actually is in the world. I look at my own children and my heart aches for the ones without parents. Imagine if they were my own....It's so sad.

Yet- how do you explain the realities of life to a 4 year old without freaking her out even more? How do you tell her that between being a single mom, trying to pay the bills, trying to balance life, it's all so hectic, I can barely manage the two I have, let alone another one? Then again, maybe we as adults are much more selfish than we should be. I'm not sure what the truth is. It's all so complicated. Life is complicated.

It's odd. The tsuanmi was so long ago that for the most part, most of us have almost forgotten its impact. My daughter of course, rightly pointed out that the impact is still there today. Those children, after all, are still without their parents, still in dire need of love, affection, and the basic necessities of life. The eyes of a child are so innocent and so truthful, sometimes it can be overwhelming. I wonder how they sleep at night, given all the things they have on their minds. I mean, my daughter is dealing with the difficulties and complications of divorce, yet, at night, when her tiny little head rests on that pillow, she thinks of others. I think children have something beautiful that we lose on the path to adulthood. I'm glad I can catch glimpses of it through them.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Planning for Mother's Day

I'm looking forward to this weekend. The children will be with me this weekend, and I've got a lot of plans with them. Mich is coming over tonight with her son, and we're taking the children bowling, and she's sleeping over afterwards...The kids will love it. Tomorrow I'm taking them to Chuck E Cheese's (God I hate that place, it's such a zoo), but the children will have loads of fun.

I was a bit apprehensive about Mother's Day this Sunday. I originally felt a bit sorry for myself, because it was my first Mother's Day at home alone with the kids, and so it's not like we will celebrate much of anything. I'm a bit sentimental where Mother's Day is concerned. Then I thought about it and decided that it's a bit pathetic to be so emotional over something so trivial. My new plan- I will take the children to the mall, let them pick flowers for me, and of course for my mother, go to Laura Secord, buy myself and my mom a box of chocolates. Then I will visit my mom, give her the flowers and chocolates, and then head to Niagara with the children. I'm hoping my mom will join us, but if not, it will just be me and the kids.

I think it's much healthier for me to proactively celebrate Mother's Day with the children than it is to sit and sulk over the fact that nobody will celebrate it for me. Kind of goes with the whole theme of my newly found independence, don't ya think?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

So Tired

I've been feeling really sluggish lately. This tends to happen to me in the spring when the weather changes. I have a friend in the US that suggested switching to a high protein diet to fight off some of the fatigue...I might try it out, even if it's just for a few weeks.

I have no idea where the time flies. This morning, I stepped outside and the weather was just beautiful. Perfect weather, lots of sunshine, and the best thing of all- I saw PINK flowers on the 2 trees in my front lawn. Pink flowers! My favorite colour! It was just beautiful...I wanted to stay home just to sit and work on the front porch. I have no idea when those flowers grew...I never noticed them before, and yet the trees are full of them. Sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we forget to smell the flowers...Or in my case, even notice that they are there.

Another thing I noticed- tons of tulips in my front garden. You're probably wondering why I'm so surprised that there are tulips in the garden, but I moved into this home in late June. This is my first spring in this house, so I had no idea what flowers the original owner had planted. It's all so nice...Thank GOD she planted them...I am not good at any of that stuff.

I hired a weed company to spray my grass...I am not willing to spend hours each weekend pulling out weeds...So between the flowers and the lawn care, I should be set. All I have to do is cut the grass...And that shouldn't be too bad. Actually, my brother is a real sweetheart. Last year, he helped me out by cutting my lawn every two weeks...I'm hoping to solicit his help again this year :-) Most of my family has been very good to me... Thank God for the people who have cared enough about me to help me out. Most of my family has been really understanding around how difficult life has been. I am happy to say, I do feel like I'm almost 100% back on my feet again. Here's to getting just a little bit stronger each and every day.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Single Moms are the Highest Risk

Single working moms under the age of 35 are in the highest risk category for a heart attack or stress attack. I read this in an article last year. Wow- that's me. I'm in that category. How scary.

The article had outlined that it didn't matter if they were active or not. The stress factor and the sheer quantity of items on their never ending "to do" list put them into this high risk category. Going to the gym helped with stress relief, but it wasn't enough.

I can totally see why single working moms fall into this category. I mean, the average single working mom has no money, no support, children screaming and wailing all day, a tight schedule while they cook, clean, go to work, bathe kids, do grocery, laundry, schedule pick ups and drop offs, and go to bed only to get up and do it all again the next day. I sometimes feel caught up, and I don't even have it as bad as my counterparts. Life is busy as a parent, period. This is regardless of whether you are a single parent, or part of a two parent working household. Stress as a single working mom is a ticket to insanity.

When I first read this report, it really freaked me out. It freaked me out to the point that I was almost paralyzed with the info, convinced that I would fall into the "heart attack category"....Yes I know...My lovely tendency to fall to extremes. :-)

But now, at 34, I've realized something. Although I do fall into that category in many ways, I'm actually better off than I originally thought. While I am a single working mother, I have a great deal more help than my counterparts. I have my parents who have saved me time and time again. They have helped me with my children, and provided me with a great deal of emotional support and stability. They have guided me like nothing else, and I am so grateful for it.

Then there are my friends who are always willing to help me out - whether it's with the children, or just emotional support. And another thing- the fact that my ex is an involved father helps a great deal. I have a lot of time to focus on me, on my housechores, on hanging out with friends. Financially, I have a decent career, so I'm not suffering every day. Yes it's tough, but it could be worse.

So- while I'm 35 and a single career mom, I think I can safely say that I can ease up just a bit on my fears. It doesn't mean I can stop going to the gym or anything, but I can at least trust in the fact that I am much more fortunate than I could have been.

After 35, when I pass the lethal zone, I'll stop going to the gym. :-P Kidding.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Adult Bonds with Parents

Isn't it interesting that how when we are younger in our teenage years, we rebel like crazy, go through this anti-parent phase, and how it often fades away when we get older? Although I was never really disrespectful to my parents (I have the cultural background to thank for part of that), I did go through the "I don't want to be seen with my parents" phase, and the "my parents are so NOT cool phase". Most teenagers go through it...It's a part of growing up and establishing our own independence in the world.

As we get older, most of us grow out of that phase and come to respect our parents. We learn to respect their wisdom, their guidance, their experiences. We turn to them for advice, and want to spend more time with them.

My friend Graham once told me that while all of this is part of the natural cycle, there is one thing that can happen on rare occasions. You see, there is a difference between going through the natural circle, and with actually being friends with your parents. It's one thing to respect them and seek their guidance, and it's quite another to actually want to be with them and spend time with them, and enjoy their company as a friend.

Interestingly enough, I think I'm developing that type of bond with my parents. I actually like to spend time with them. I have fun going places with both my parents. I'm looking forward to the summer- to picnics, to outings, etc. This is a change from before. When I was with my ex, I saw my parents because, well because they are my parents, and so we should honor them. Their guidance was helpful, but I didn't share everything with them.

Now, after having lived with them for a year, things are different. My friend Graham says that statistically speaking a child that leaves home and then returns to live with their parents in their adult years will likely end up developing an adult bond with those parents. According to him, the reason for this is that when you return to your parents' home as an adult, the terms are different, the independence is different, and there is a mutual level of respect that isn't there before. Mutual respect is the key.

So, although culturally, Indo-Pak parents do tend to be more involved, and they do tend to expect more, I think I am developing this bond with my parents, and I'm loving it. I am now in a space where I can tell them when involvement is too much involvement. I can call them and tell them I just want to hang out and have fun, and I will almost always call them and share my problems and seek their advice. It's actually really really nice.

I guess that's just another piece of silver lining that came from my separation. In hindsight, the one year I spent at my parents' home was a good thing. It was good financially, it was good emotionally, and it was great because it allowed me to develop my relationship with mom and dad. Everything happens for a reason. I just LOVE silver lining.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Divorce Party or No Divorce Party?

I called the lawyer this week. I wanted to know the status of where we are at. He said that the first set of papers were filed, and that he is now filing the affadavits, which had to be filed 30 days after the original papers were filed. He said since it's a joint petition for divorce, there will not be any court dates, or any appearances in the judge's chambers. Basically, all we have to wait for is for the papers to appear before the judge so that he can sign them. How long that takes is completely dependent on how backlogged the court systems are right now. Since our divorce is just "paperwork" at this point, we are hoping it shouldn't be much longer. He said anywhere from a couple of weeks to two months, but he thinks it will be less time rather than more.

Well- here we are. Almost at the end of the road. I do believe I'm over it now. Two years has been enough time to get closure. At the same time, I just want the final closure. It's been a long road for me. I went through 11 years of hell in a handbasket, and I just want to know that it's done. If my ex hadn't been so hard on me in recent months, I may have felt more sadness. At this point, his recent stunts have me running for the hills and not even sparing a moment to glance back. To be honest, it's probably a good thing. A blessing in disguise.

I spoke with a couple of friends at the office who know my situation in detail, and they understood how hard this has been for me. Hard to leave in the first place, and then hard dealing with the back and forth of the separation. The tears, the anguish, the pain, the frustration. A few more weeks and it will be over. For those of you around me who have protected me, and made sure that I stayed happy and didn't shed a tear, thank you. I love you all. For those of you who could have been kinder or dealt with me in a more fair or considerate manner...Well...You know how I feel. Disappointment can be huge at times, but I have my good friends to help me through.

But here's the thing...When I spoke to my office friends, they agreed that a divorce party sounds like a great idea. I mean, it's not to celebrate the divorce itself, after all, a failed marriage isn't exactly something to celebrate. But it is to celebrate the end of a very difficult road, and the love that I've received from so many places throughout. It's to celebrate the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, and that yes, you can start over. It's my real New Beginning. What do you think? To have the Divorce party or not?

It would be only my support friends who get to attend. The ones who held me up, the ones who cared and loved. I have another friend who commented "A divorce party? You are so sick. That is just wrong." Well, I guess we know who WON'T be getting an invite...

So- thoughts? Party or no party?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Who's the FOB?

I know I'm going to get scrutinized for doing this, but I just had to. I'm getting tired of the attitude in the Indo-Pak community towards new immigrants. I mean, given, yes in some ways, they are different, and it takes time to adjust to a new country, but the overly judgmental attitude is getting to me in many ways.

Firstly, I recently met some people that have been in the country for less than 10 years. Some for 7 or 8, some for 3 or 4. Yes, they have accents, yes, they are still getting used to the differences. But- these are intelligent interesting people. When and how did others develop the attitude that it's somehow ok to judge them? I mean- the weird thing is, I think Indo-Paks born and raised here in Canada are the absolute worst towards Indo-Paks not born here. My question is- if we are going to treat them badly or be judgmental, how the heck are they going to escape the judgment of the rest of the world?

My friends are great people. They are genuine, smart, funny, and good hearted. I don't see the need to judge them based on the fact that they have an accent, or the fact that a joke about a TV show from the 80's will go right over their heads. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. There are many more important things to think about. Like a person's character, like how much fun you have with them, and whether or not they are genuinely good people. I'm tired of the remarks I get like "who's the accent guy?" or "what's with the Pak chick?" I mean - please - people....Get over it.

I am the first to say that at a collective level, I am sick and tired of the Indo-Pak community as a whole- the intrusive approach, the herdish mentality, the nosiness. I'm not interested in it, and I've stayed far away from it for two years. That being said, I do realize the value in the individual relationships.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I'm just saying that the judgmental attitude of my fellow born and raised North Americans is at times, a bit sickening. As we get older, can we at least try to show a bit more maturity? I mean, high school was, well- high school. It was the height of immaturity. I'm in my 30's now and so are my friends. Let's grow up. Please.

I do, however, have another story. I was driving in my car with a relative, who shall remain unnamed. We were cut off by a clearly immigrant driver, and I'll leave out how I know it was an immigrant, and what nationality they were. "You know what?" she said, "ever since we got all those immigrants in Canada, there is just no courtesy left around here". Ok - I had to interject- UM- Hello- YOU'RE an immigrant. "Me? I've been here for over 30 years. I'm not like those immigrants".

What? Ok- I didn't realize there were categories. Like real immigrants vs not really immigrant immigrants or something. This is so confusing. Oh who am I kidding? This is so stupid. Our community is idiotic. We bring on our own problems. We do it to ourselves.

So yes- I have friends who are immigrants. Many have accents. Sometimes, we even joke about their accents, or about my bad Urdu when I speak it with an English accent. Either way, that's just in jest. It's the ones who look you square in the face and ask "who's your FOB friend" that really scare me...

Friday, May 05, 2006

Canadian Divorce Rates are 40%

Oh Hooray. I'm officially a statistic. Well, this is disappointing. Divorce is something that I always thought would happen to others, but never to myself. I watched other dysfuntional people, and told myself 'that will never be me'. I've now learned that we don't always have control over these things.

One of the truly dismal things is that I don't really think the divorce rate has much of a chance of getting any better. People have just too much of an immature approach in relationships. They always see an 'out' and are often ready to use the door. Very few people are willing to work hard. Of those that are willing to work hard, many lack integrity and maturity. It's very sad. At the end of the day, it takes a strong person to face someone and say "this isn't working for me, and here's why" rather than to throw in the towel. But we have been conditioned to throw in the towel and move on whenever we can.

So these days, I'm looking at things and thinking- where have all the mature people gone? I mean, I don't want to sound arrogant, but I'm hoping I'm one of the relatively mature ones, when it comes to dedication, integrity and commitment. But where is everyone else? Why is it so hard for people to conduct themselves in manner that reflects integrity and good character? What is the world so afraid of? Why do so many people fear showing their vulnerabilities?

It's odd that here we are- all human- all with different issues, yet so many of us are caught up in games and appearances. Where have all the good people gone, or do they even exist anymore? I'm starting to lose faith in mankind. I think the human spirit is on a downward spiral, and I don't think people with integrity and character will survive much longer. I for one, am just about ready to throw in the towel on the few things I do manage to uphold. Why? Well, why not- when the world around you suffocates you for honesty, sooner or later, we all learn how to survive, don't we? Unless the world allows us to embrace our vulnerabilities instead of chastising us for them, we will end up becoming people who put on so many appearances that we don't even know ourselves anymore.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Last Minute Schedule Changes

Well- this is exactly what happens when you're a single parent. I got up all ready to work out of our other office today. All good intentions. We are getting ready to leave the house, and I tell the children to go to the washroom. My daughter refuses. No, she says. I can't go because it's hurting too much. WHAT? Since when? This will explain yesterday morning's near "accident"....Oh my God. A first bladder infection....Dang. I didn't anticipate this... OK- so, single mom that I am, I cancel all my morning meetings, get a 10:30 appt with the doctor, and head out to drop my son at school.

We get to the doctors, he sends her for a urine test. That takes forever, cuz she's still refusing to go to the washroom. 20 minutes and an entire screaming/crying session later, she gives in, I feel triumphant and drained all at once, and we head home. It's noon. I've now missed the going away luncheon and my 1:30 meeting is looking pretty bleak. I call and cancel.

And by the time I've fed my daughter lunch, half my day is gone, and now I have to work the entire evening to make it up. I also will have to go to the office tomorrow instead of working from home since I pretty much spent the day out of the office today...And barely worked as of yet.

Sigh**** this is single parenting I guess. But it's ok. I'm drained, but still smiling. Everything has silver lining right? Well, I had an entire day with my daughter and the opportunity to comfort her when she was sick. That makes me amongst the luckiest people in the world. How many single moms can do this? I can. I am blessed.

Well- tomorrow is Friday, and I will have to endure the drive to the office. But like I said, I did get to be there to comfort my daughter. She said "mommy- can we make sure I don't get sick again? I don't like it. I told her we would try our best. I had considered sending her to the doctor's with her father, but she refused to go. She said "nothing is better than mommy's love". Politician. She's funny. Like I said...Rough day, but...Still smiling.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Mommies are Faster than Pee

This was so funny- I had a fantastic morning with the children. After getting my daughter all dressed in pink- pink shirt, skirt, pantyhose, and hairband, I was dressing my son. My daughter came rushing into the room, legs crossed, half jumping yelling "mommy, I need to go pee, I need to go peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I can't hold it!".

Ok- So she's four, and rarely ever has accidents. I have two children, the eldest of which is 6. I've been through this pee incident about a gazillion times, and must admit, I am officially faster than lightening whenever it does happen. Fortunately I got her to the washroom, with clothes off just in time. (There was no way in hell I was prepared to shower her and change her clothes if she were to have an "accident").

So, afterwards, my relieved little baby (who did not want to miss wearing a complete pink outfit to school) exclaimed:

"Mommy- you know what I love THE MOST about you?"
"No baby, what's that?"
"Mommies are super fast. The fastest in the world. Mommies are even faster than PEE!!"
I howled. Now that was funny. Sad, true, but very very funny.

"Baby- that's what you love THE MOST about me? There's nothing you love more?" (OK- sorry, but if that's all I have to offer my kid, I'm doing something really wrong).

My little politician's answer:
"Don't be silly mommy-there's alot of stuff I like about you. That's just what I like the most today".

Fair answer. I can't argue that, now can I?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Having a Backbone

A recent conversation with several friends brought me to this topic. One friend was chatting with me a few nights ago and she said that my biggest problem is that I'm too nice to people and I let them get away with too much. In her opinion- when you let people know you care about them and you don't show them your tough side, you are giving them a ticket to use you as a doormat. Interesting perspective, I suppose. I just never thought that all people would do that....Use you as a doormat I mean. Recent experiences in my life are starting to teach me that she just might be right about this. It may be possible to be too nice. I'm not saying that I'm the nicest person in the world, but my girlfriend from the office who advised me to be "nice, but with a backbone" may have a point. I asked her today if she thought I was too nice and she said yes. Hmmmm....Who would have thought it would ever become a negative thing?

So, now I'm going to learn to have a backbone. One friend suggested that I treat everyone like I would treat a professional relationship. That means I'll be nice and cordial, but you can't walk over my territory without hearing something or another. The funny thing is, my "work personality" is somewhat forced. I love coming home and escaping from it. Now I'm being told I have to adopt it and embrace it as my own. Wow- that's huge.

It's not that it can't be done. But it does mean that I will be changing who I fundamentally am. I just got to a point where I actually like myself too. Sad. Life is so brutal. And all this to avoid having my heart trampled on by more people. To avoid being taken advantage of, to avoid all the pain.

I had some friends over on Saturday night. They were actually evaluating my life (funny how the world seems to get a kick out of psycho analyzing my mistakes). My friends gave me some advice that I am still debating. They said that if I ever decide to move on in a relationship, don't ever be too nice. If I'm too nice, it's an open invite for people to treat you like crap. Given, my few experiences have taught me this, but I'm wondering if it's true. Do people really value you more if you have a strong backbone, and moments of bitchiness? Is it true that if you're "too nice" you will lose out in the end, every single time?

Don't get me wrong- I'm not rushing to get into a relationship or anything, but I think at this point in my life, where my feelings for my ex are over, I've come to terms with the divorce, and I'm happy and settled, the next logical step is to evaluate whether or not I want to move on, what that would mean, and how to avoid my past from repeating itself. So- develop a backbone and learn to treat people like crap once in awhile? Develop a backbone I get. I get it, I can try it, but it will be hard. Treat people like crap so they value you just sounds childish and wrong. But who am I to judge? My track record doesn't exactly speak for itself, and even recent situations have taught me that if you're too nice, people just don't appreciate you. OK then- let's aim for the backbone. If that doesn't work, I can bring in a little bit of the salty side :-)

Monday, May 01, 2006

Why Settle?

An interesting thought. I've actually had a conversation with about 3 people about this very topic. It's funny. As I inch closer and closer to having all the divorce stuff finalized, everyone starts talking about what I will do from here, relationship wise. I guess it's a natural question. After all, I have been separated for 2 years now.

So there are basically three different opinions that I heard in the past few days. First there was one of my dearest friends. I was recounting a recent issue that has come up in my life. We chatted on Friday, and she said that while hoping that everything works out for the best, one thing that she has learned in her life is that we should never settle for less than we deserve. Wait and see how things go, but if they aren't meant to happen for you, don't wish them upon yourself. Only accept those things that you feel are meant to be good, and let the rest pass you by. That even applies in relationships. Never wish someone upon yourself that just doesn't like you back. What's the point...you are, after all, worthy of being treated like gold. If you refuse to settle, you will eventually find happiness, and will also minimize pain in your life.

So, my next friend was talking about relationships in general. She said- take a good look at your life. You've finally found happiness. Some women are better off on their own. You might just be one of those women. You're finally happy, so don't mess with it. Women who are divorced are typically happier than men who are divorced. You have newly found freedom and independence. Don't let a man take that away from you. Stay away from men. (But then she did go on to say, if you do decide to move on with someone, make sure he's not Indo-Pak) :-) I guess we all have ghosts in our closets haha.

So the last friend, and I must admit, this was the most disappointing, said that I need to learn to settle. He basically said that being divorced with 2 kids I have too much baggage, and so basically I would have to learn to compromise in return for that. In fact, in his words, I would have to do most of the compromising. Well this was just too much. Firstly, I don't think my children are baggage. They are warm and loving, and besides....Love me, love my children. And secondly, what the heck...if I really have to settle anyways, I might as well have stayed with my ex, (the father of these children)...that would at least have eliminated some issues. Besides, who doesn't have baggage of some sort? I mean, yes this was an Indo-Pak friend, and he had a very typical Indo-Pak mentality but still....Is this what I will be up against? I don't think so...

So, for the first time in my life, I defended myself. And you know what? I learned a thing or two along the way. I guess I've never had to defend myself before. Up until now, I've been wondering what was wrong with me, almost like I must have done something to deserve whatever has happened. Not in my marriage, I know I was a great wife, but almost like I had done something wrong somewhere in my life. But here's the thing. I met many women from our community, and you know what, not to be arrogant, but there isn't much character or integrity out there at all. And so I realized it...For the first time...Today. I'm actually a great package. I mean all those guys that I've met that have been saying things like- why couldn't we have met you a few years ago- or wow...I HAVE to introduce you to my friends....They aren't being sarcastic or joking. They were serious, and I just got that today.

I mean really- I was talking to this friend, and I told him...You know what? I have EVERY right to be picky. I have every right to demand happiness. And I WON'T settle. I refuse to. Because I deserve more. And here's why. I'm honest, caring and decent. I have integrity. I'm a loving mother and a loving wife. I've never cheated anyone. I'm well educated. I have a decent career. I'm independent. And if you're Muslim, you'll be happy to know, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or sleep around. I have patience....I stuck through a bad marriage because I loved and loved and loved some more....Even when I shouldn't have. I am a loyal friend. And I don't exactly think I'm horrible looking either. I may not be model material, but how many of us are?

So guess what? I have EVERY right to be picky. And not to settle. So to all three of you friends....Thank you for contributing to this realization. Thank you so very much. I think I've lacked this confidence for years. Let's just hope it sticks around for awhile. I'm not trying to have an inflated head, but I am trying to say to myself, that I am not that abused woman anymore. I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear, and nothing to be afraid of. And HELL NO, I'm not going to settle. Not this time. I've come much to far.