Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

This was adorable. I got it in an email, and I just had to share...

I think we can all benefit from a pause to think about what we really want out of life...

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A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. . I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Mexican.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

And the moral is:

Know where you’re going in life….you may already be there.

The Year in Review

I always like to look at my past year as the year comes to the end. I like to look at what went well and what was not so great. And I consistently hope that the next year will be better, although I have to admit, I don't know if my hoping has helped much thus far.

I have to say that 2008 was my worst year yet. There was a lot of difficult stuff to deal with and stress was high all year round:

• I had the CAS case in Jan where my ex left a bruise on my son in the beginning of the year, resulting in CAS involvement and police involvement
• I had to go through the court ordered family assessment for 6 months (but as a plus, thank God it went well in the end)
• I had to deal with massive financial issues, which are still ongoing unfortunately
  
• I had the usual ongoing banter with my ex (but I guess that isn't new)
• I had to deal with health issues for a few months which almost resulted in surgery (but fortunately they all turned out OK)
  
• My son was diagnosed with ADHD and we had to put him on medication (but as a plus, he is doing noticeably better now and his confidence in himself is better)
  
• My mom was hospitalized in Feb/March and then had her knee surgery in Sept (but fortunately, everything is OK and she is now better off than she was before the surgery- less pain, and much more mobile)
• The court case is still dragging on
  

What went well this year/what I accomplished:

• I have been doing well at work
• I made some very rich, meaningful friendships- not new people, but deepened some of my existing relationships
• The court case looks like it should be moving in my favor (keep your fingers crossed)
• My health is good, and I kept off the weight that I lost in 2007

It may not sound like much, but the big accomplishment for me tonight was to see the silver lining in all the bad stuff that happened.

One thing I know for sure is that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reason when we are in the depth of things, but there is a reason and if we are lucky we will get to know what it was at some point during our lifetime.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. I really think this will be a good year for me. A year of personal growth, spiritual growth, and hopefully some key decisions as well.

And really- 2008 sucked, so I am just glad it is over.

Bring on the New Year...

Goals for 2009

I have some goals for 2009. These are not New Year's Resolutions. I hate those. You make one small slip and they go out the window. These are more like things I would like to achieve, or come close to achieving when I look back on the year as a whole in Dec 2009. It's not an 'all or nothing' deal like a resolution, it's more of a' I hope that the graph is trending in the right direction' on these things...

1. Learning from my experiences with people- not walking down the same road twice
2. Cut the potty mouth- no more expletives (thanks to my dear friend for that one)
3. Telling the truth, even when I don't like the consequences (I was always a truth teller, but this year, I've lost a bit of that....I've learned to lie my way out of a few situations, and I don't like that side of myself)
4. Grow spiritually- whether it be religious or just the universal laws of the world
5. Watch my health- try to stick to the gym and keep eating healthy (I'm half way there, but I started slacking since Ramadan)

Notice that these are directional things. I could have said "lose 20lbs" but really, that's not what I mean. If I eat even healthier (I'm not totally bad right now) and feel good physically and lose only 5lbs, I will still feel I accomplished that goal. As another example, if I reduce 90% of the potty mouth, I will feel good about that one....get the point?

I would like to say that I want to figure out my life and have a set plan for where I want to go directionally, but I don't know- maybe that is too much to ask?

How about hoping to become more grounded by the end of 2009...is that a reasonable goal?

Treat Others as they Treat you

And never forget the lesson.

Life is confusing enough. I no longer believe that it is about being good to everyone, being kind to everyone. I'm not sure that these things always get returned to you.

I think there is an element of learning that needs to happen. You need to be kind to people, but within reason. If someone hurts you, harms you, abandons you, whatever it may be, you simply do not go back for more. You learn from what life has taught you and you move on. Being kind to someone who does not return your kindness is not a sign of a good person. It's the sign of a stupid person.

People need to open their eyes and see what is around them. Look at your life's experiences and learn from what you are being shown.

We as humans are often guilty of making some mistakes over and over again. I get that. We are guilty of not knowing when we have walked a similar road before. I get that too. It explains why many abused women for example, end up with abusive men even the second time through.

But there is NO EXCUSE for going back to the SAME PERSON for more once they have kicked you. That is just plain stupid.

We as humans need to at least learn how not to walk down the exact same road a second time through. A similar road maybe, but not the same one.

I'm sure this is not making much sense to any of you, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I have a few things going on in my life. I'm looking at them all- relationships past and present, friends and how they treat me, as well as my friends' experiences. There is a consistent theme. I don't learn from what life has taught me, and I do go back to the same person with hope: hope that they will change, hope that things will be different, hope that they will treat me as I treat them, but it always ends up the same.

I have a few goals for next year. One of them will be to open my eyes and start learning from my experiences.

Pay Attention...

Especially when you are on the road. What a day.

I went out to buy some sweaters for my daughter. It's cold and her sweaters don't fit her anymore. I had just finished shopping and I was heading for the gym. I was distracted. I have had a lot on my mind. I looked away. And then I smashed into the car in front of me.

She was driving an SUV. Her car is fine. Mine is a wreck. The bumper is toast. The hood is toast. That is what happens when a civic hits an SUV. He bumper will probably need to be replaced, but it's not anywhere near what happened to my car.

The 6 demerit point, $350 careless driving fine was salt in my wounds.

I feel like shit. It's my fault, totally, so I have no right to complain. But I am complaining anyways. Maybe it's what I do best.

So now, I have a rental. Which is fine. I have to talk to the insurance company on Monday. Let's see how that goes.

I'm tired. I really need a new beginning. I'm just wondering when it will come. The highlight of my day was lunch with one of my dear friends. Small pockets of happiness in an otherwise shitty day. Thank God for those, otherwise, what else would we have to make it through?

Independence

There is a very fine line between being an independent woman and being selfish/stubborn. I'm not too sure where that line is, and it's probably why I get into the situations that I do.

Is there such a thing as being too independent? If there is, I think I suffer from it.

Today I feel like my head is just not on straight, like I make stupid decisions and like I suffer from having unrealistic expectations. Today I feel like I have allowed myself to become too much, that I have gone too far, and that I hurt my future because of who I am. It's possible to think too highly of yourself, to expect too much, to have become too stubborn.

I'm not sure what made me this way. I've been giving it a lot of thought today. I think my past experience in marriage. I mean, he was so abusive, so brutally abusive and I allowed it to happen. I should have left, but I never did. Recently, someone close to me asked how it was possible that someone like me could be abused like that. He said he would have expected me to hit back and walk away, call the cops and have my then-husband arrested. But I didn't. That wasn't me. But now I think it is me.

In fact, I think the pendulum has swung the other way. I am so protective of myself, I ask so much of life, I am so demanding, that I don't think that abusive type of guy would ever have a chance in my life.

But here is the problem. Neither would any other guy. It is indeed really difficult to be with me.

Yesterday, Mr. NYC asked me to marry him. For real. He wanted to make wedding plans. He wanted me to come to NYC to meet his family and formalize an engagement. He wanted me to wear his ring.

And I froze. Paralyzed. No answer. I told him I need a few days to think.

You see, all this time, I thought he was non-committal. I thought this was going nowhere. I thought I was wasting my time. And so, I was going to end things, thinking he would never want a long term thing, that he would never actually commit to me. I wasn't expecting this. It was everything I wanted for so long, and now that it is in reach, I'm paralyzed.

I feel afraid. I mean, give up my entire life here in Toronto? My home, my career, my parents, my friends? My whole life?

But do you turn down a good guy out of fear?

I have never been so messed up. Part of me thinks that somewhere along the way, it is ME who is no longer marriage material. Once upon a time ago I was the perfect wife. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. I'm just shocked. Do I love Mr. NYC? Absolutely.

The real question is, will I ever love anyone enough to risk marriage again? Am I capable of being married again? I have a few days to figure all this out. Forgive me for not being a giddy school girl. I am almost 5 yrs divorced, and hundreds of bruises past the stage of being giddy over the thought of another marriage. Touched yes. Flattered yes. Decisive, hell no. I'm just all cold feet right now.

And the poor guy is sitting in NYC waiting for an answer from me. I think he expected an instant yes. He said he understands, that I wasn't expecting the question. He is surprised that I need to think about it, but understanding nonetheless.

And so I spin...

Taming the Beast

Today was a hellish day. I had to play the role of super-bitch. I had to be the strict mother.

I need to reign in my son. I need to tame his inner beast. And I need to do it now. So today was the start of tough love.

I gave the kids the new house rules.

1. For the next 7 days, they are off of electronics. No TV, no computer, no video games. This is a consequence for their disgusting behaviour last night.
2. The above mentioned electronics are, effective immediately, an earned privilege, not a right. Meaning, they can earn time on them, but they don't just get time on them. I'm hoping to encourage them to be better with their behavior and more respectful towards me. Disrespect towards their mother means no privileges. Being kind to each other and respecting me means they can get time on their electronic toys.
3. I will be buying poker chips. They can earn a chip after a couple of hours of good behaviour. Bad behaviour means they lose a chip. 10 chips equals 15 minutes on an electronic of their choice. That's right. They better be good if they want TV time.
   

I know it sounds mean, but I need to un-spoil my kids.

It's time to kick some butt. No more nice mom.

My line today. "Things are going to change around here".

I had to start the day with "how dare you even think you can speak to me the way you did last night".

I mean seriously. This is out of control. I'm hoping this will work. If it doesn't, I have two kids for sale. One takes out the garbage and unloads the dishwasher. Any takers?

The Difficult Child

My son's temperament continues to scare me. His tantrums are out of control. I wonder what I am doing to fail as a mother. I do the best I can, I hardly sleep because I work so hard, and then I get this for a child. It just doesn't seem fair. Some days, I want to give him to someone else and let them raise him. I feel so frustrated it's impossible. And yet I know I am the only real parent they have. It's just too much pressure for one person.

Tonight I had a friend over. My son didn't seem to care, he threw his tantrum and humiliated me.

I'm so frustrated. Some days I hate being a single mom. It's also unfortunate that my ex is a nutjob. It means I get no support from anyone.

At the end of the day, we all stand alone.

Happy Eid...

Today was Eid. I had the day off work. I spent the morning at home. The kids were with their dad. I decided to take advantage of it and went to the gym early in the morning. Yes I know it's Eid. But I felt I needed to clear my head.

I was waiting for something from a friend today. I've actually been waiting to hear from this person for 2 weeks. We had a major disagreement two weeks ago and it's been bugging me. But I couldn't be the one to call and resolve it. Not this time. And then at 11am, after two weeks of frustration, all I get is an SMS. Happy Eid to you and the kids and your family. That's it. After two weeks.

I was expecting something more I guess. I expected wrong. My reply. "Same to you. Please take care of yourself".

I guess that's some sort of closure on a friendship. If you want to call it that. I felt like crap for a few hours today. I debated picking up the phone and calling my friend, but my gut told me to leave good enough alone. So I did.

A most uneventful way to totally end a friendship.

Either way. Eid Mubarak.

A Temperamental Child

My son is very temperamental. It never ends with him. I often wonder how much of it is the attention deficit disorder, how much of it is learned from his dad, and how much of it is just his nature. I suppose I will never have an answer to that question, and I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to play with the cards that I have been dealt.

But sometimes it is just really difficult.

Last night I went to a friend's place for dinner. As usual, my son acted up, all angry and throwing a tantrum. He just wouldn't let up. It lasted over an hour. I eventually calmed him down but it took a seriously long time and I was humiliated, and frustrated, and left feeling that life will forever be hopeless. It's not like he is going to get better in high school. That's arguably when a child just gets worse. And then I kept asking myself, what do I have to look forward to in life? Nothing really. It was a miserable way to feel, and it kept me up most of the night.

I honestly feel like giving up. I felt like I can never move on, never be in a relationship because no guy will tolerate my son and his outbursts. I feel like I should just plan to live alone, plan short term relationships to pass the time, but never commit to anything long term. Then I will spare myself the day when someone will tell me that they can't be with me, because it is just too difficult to be around a difficult child.

It's not like anyone has ever said this to me, but I can see the judgement in people's eyes when my son acts up. I feel like saying "I am not a bad mother". Then again, he is not a bad child, but he can act pretty damned bad when he's in an off mood.

Sigh. I'll stop the rant, I know it's not going anywhere. Maybe it's the combination of 4 hrs sleep and an insurmountable pile of tasks waiting to be finished that is getting to me today and exacerbating the issue.

Two Years is a Long Time

And yet not long at all. I really miss him. This year, I've been missing him more than ever. Especially the past few months. And I don't know why it's come up like this. I find myself asking the questions again- why did he do it, how could he do it, why didn't he listen to me, why did he leave us when so many people loved him. And I still get shivers every time I drive under the Leaside bridge. I wonder which part of the bridge he jumped from, and what he was thinking his last few minutes in this world. And then I wonder why he did it without even saying goodbye.

We were such great friends, and he never even said goodbye.

My last face to face conversation with him was an argument. A back and forth. "You need help", "No I don't"....I knew he needed help. And I bet that he already knew what he was going to do. I love him and hate him all at once. And I hate myself for not doing more to help him.

I find sometimes I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could tell him how my life is going. I wish I could tell him how much he brought to my life, how he was one of the best friends I ever had. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I wish I could see his reasurring smile, just one more time. Or that look that says "Ok Shaz. Calm down". Or just to hear him tell me that I am a great person and that one day I will meet the right guy and have all the happiness I deserve. (He would say that alot).

I firmly believe we all meet again in heaven. And I find I'm still angry with Syd. When I meet him in heaven, first I'm going to slap him for what he did and then I will hug him because I've missed him so much.

But first I slap him for being so selfish and dark. It was so unlike him to commit suicide. And it was also the boldest move of his life. A fitting way to end I suppose, for a guy who stayed quiet, who remained patient, who tried to please everyone. It's like snubbing the world for all that it gave you just before you leave. But some of us didn't deserve the snubbing.

I still haven't gone to the cemetery. It's been two years, and I haven't had the courage to go. I miss him so much I know it would be emotional and I still feel so angry that I don't want to go. And so I haven't gone. Maybe next year.

Then again, maybe not.

Two years and it's still all there. Sure it doesn't consume me, but it really hasn't left me either. I find that I think of him alot. I was watching a movie the other day and the guy was about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. I felt so emotional, I couldn't watch it. I think it will stay with me for life. When friends don't return phone calls I think the worst. After all, the last friend who refused to take my calls while he was upset ended up comitting suicide. Naturally when someone is upset and they don't pick up the phone, my mind goes to a very scary place.

I wonder if he even knew what he would be doing to the lives of others...

I miss you Sydney. I hope you're in a peaceful place.

Friday afternoon working from home

In my jeans. Sipping chai. Loving it.

I had my ultrasound again. I don't want to talk much about it, but I have a cyst on my ovaries that has apparently been getting bigger. It's been causing a lot of pain lately, to the point where my evenings are a write off. I come home and I feel dead to the world. It's been this way for a couple of months. No energy to cook, and I can't move off the couch. I do homework with the kids at the coffee table so I can lie on the couch and check their homework without getting up.

Today was another ultrasound. I get the results next week. It's benign so nothing to worry about from that angle, but the pain is bad. I've even left a few meetings at work on a couple of occasions because I just couldn't sit there that long.

But today, although the pain is just brutal from the ultrasound, I am enjoying these 2 hours of solitude working, sipping chai, and just being alone.

I'm told that little moments of gratitude are baby steps to happiness. Here's to finding happiness again one day.

Never Judge Another Person

Because we as humans are much more alike than we are different.

Interesting Quote from an Oprah show I was watching last night. Unfortunately, I'm guilty as charged. One of the things I've started to see lately is that the mirror gets held up to me often enough. Just when I think "I would NEVER be capable of that" or I look at someone and think 'how could you do that to your child, or how could you say that to someone, or how could you conduct yourself in that manner?', I find myself in a similar situation, doing something not that far off.

We are all humans. We will all make mistakes.

Back in my hijab days, I remember the extremely judgmental attitude I had when I saw people doing things wrong. I would think to myself "why does that guy bother praying when he cheats on his wife? Why does she wear hijab if she has a boyfriend? Why does he fast in Ramadan if he is a drinker the rest of the year?"

And then I realized it. Nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. We all have different weaknesses, different faults, and we all struggle. Some of us try to be good people despite of our faults, and some of us just don't bother trying at all. But at the end of the day, you cannot slight a person for their faults, nor should you judge them for trying to maintain some amount of goodness where ever possible.

The guy who cheats on his wife is better off praying than not. The guy who fasts in Ramadan is better off doing it than not. These things are all better in small ways than not doing them I guess. Or maybe for those people it keeps them on track and prevents them for doing more harm. Who knows? But we can't judge.

There was a man on Oprah who had killed someone, and everyone judged him. And she said "we are more alike than we are different". It's true. The only thing that stops some of us from not going totally evil is the conscience.

But everyone's conscience has a breaking point too. That's just human nature.

My recent life experiences have taught me a few things. Just when I think I cannot be capable of something, a mirror is held up and I am forced to see who I really am. And while I know I am a good person in many ways, I am very far from perfect. So I have no right to judge another. And nobody has the right to judge me either.

I Want a Giraffe

To hell with princes. I want a giraffe.

I saw Madagascar 2 the other day. It wasn't as great as part 1, but it was still a good movie. But there was one major thing that stuck with me. I want to find a giraffe.

Melman the giraffe is this adorable yet nerdy, sweet yet goofy giraffe who falls in love with the hippo. He is soft natured, loving, crazy, but at the end of the day, will do anything for the one that he loves.

I want a giraffe. I just don't know if they really exist. All the men I have met always have some agenda or another. They are never truly altruistic like Melman. Maybe asking for one is just too much to ask. Maybe that's why you only find them in movies.

But I can say this....I am determined to be with a person who comes pretty damned close to being a giraffe. I know I am not a saint, but I am somehow starting to see my worth. I'm realizing that I do alot for the ones that I love, and that it may not be too much to ask for someone to reciprocate.

So I wait for a giraffe. In the meantime, a dear friend bought me a mini beanie baby version of Melman. I loved it. I kept it by my side. As I lie here on my bed blogging, Melman is sitting right here with me on my bed, keeping me company with his warmth and his smile.

This will do just fine until the real one comes along.

I hope the universe doesn't disappoint me by telling me that Melman doesn't exist.

I wait anxiously...

ADHD Medication

It's been a busy week. I'm fed up, tired, and hating life at the moment.

I took my son to the specialist for his ADHD on Tuesday. His dad came too. Nevermind the fact that I received a million emails beforehand about how he didn't like my choice of doctors, and that I was afraid he would go and cancel the appointment on me last minute, but we made it there. And the doctor prescribed medication. I knew it was coming, but still, it's so controversial, I really didn't want him on meds. I feel like I failed as a mother.

I was tempted to call an office colleague who lives nearby. Her son was also diagnosed with the same thing, and so she understands all of this. But I didn't. I didn't want to bother her, I didn't want to impose. Yet I knew that had I called it would not have been an imposition. I guess I'm a bit weird that way.

I get home and get a call from my brother. His judgement was overwhelming. "How could you drug up your own child? Why do that to a poor kid? Why not just spend more time with him at night so he will be OK?"

Seriously? Like I need to hear that shit. Like I don't feel like a failure already. Family can be so very cruel.

So I get the prescription filled and start my son on the meds. I monitor him like crazy. His appetite has decreased in the day (But he makes up for it in the morning and night). He has a harder time falling asleep. My boss (whose child also has the same condition) advised me not to let my son know that insomnia is a side effect or he will use it as an excuse. Good advice, actually.

I worked closely with my son's teacher to monitor his work. He was kind enough to email me. At least my son is showing a noticeable change in focus. The teacher said to me that this was the most focus he has ever seen from my son, and the most legible handwriting yet. That is promising.

And then the kicker. My son asks "So how many days will I need the medication for? When will I be all better?" How do you answer that? I said "I'm not sure yet." He says "Well I won't need it forever right? When will I stop being sick?" I explain that he isn't sick, but that his brain doesn't have the same chemical that other people's does and so we are helping it along. His reply "Mommy, I promise to be good if we stop making me take them".


Baby, it isn't your fault, I thought to myself. But how do I explain all this to him?

I feel useless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure. For the past two nights I have come home, looked at my son and gone to my room to cry. I never wanted to do this. I just want him to be OK.

The Worry Dolls

I gave my daughter a set of worry dolls today. I thought they were a neat idea. A very dear friend recently noted that my daughter "thinks a lot" and that she seems to have a lot on her mind. On a previous occasion, I took her to the doctor to find out why she can't fall asleep at night. He told me that she is a young child and that going through a parental divorce is a very stressful thing for a child and so she seems to worry a lot. Anyhow, I thought the worry dolls were cute so I gave them to her this evening.

She loved them. I explained to her that the little dolls are her friends. She picks one doll at night, tells it about her worries, gives it a kiss and puts it under her pillow. She can go to sleep and the doll will take the worries far away while she is sleeping. My daughter was overjoyed. She thanked me profusely, hugged me, kissed me and thanked me for loving her. I am shocked. They are just worry dolls after all!

A few minutes later, I saw her sitting in the corner, whispering to the dolls and kissing them. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was introducing herself to her new friends because they were going to help her sleep at night. She was really excited and wanted to go to sleep early!

I'm not sure what to make of this. I mean, the dolls were given to me by someone at work as a promotional item. I just had them lying around and thought she would like them. I am dying to know what "worries" she will be sharing with the dolls and what it is exactly that keeps her up at night. But if these little wooden stick dolls fix something I have been trying to fix for months, well.... then I will just count my blessings.

And I will be thankful for one less worry. Bless these dolls.

Tinker Bell Goes to Town

Today is my baby's 7th Birthday. She woke up early for what was probably the first time in her life. She ran to my room, jumped on my bed screaming "It's my birthday. Everybody has to be nice to me!!"

What? Like we are normally mean or something?

But it was cute. She got dressed up in her Tinker Bell outfit and I took her to school. She got out of the car and skipped into the school. I told the teacher at the kiss n ride that it was her 7th birthday. This was not her teacher, some other teacher who barely knows my daughter. Her reply, "Honey, I think the whole school already knows that. She made it a point to tell everyone yesterday. She said 'tomorrow is my birthday so don't forget to say happy birthday to me'".

Wow. I wonder if I was like that when I was little?

Still, I did leave the school with a smile. She's hilarious. I love her. I'm so glad to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Mary!

Happy Halloween!

My Little Tinker Bell

My baby wants to dress as Tinker Bell for Halloween. I searched everywhere and stores were sold out of her size. So I convinced her to be something else. OK that's a half lie. I didn't like that the outfits were so short and that she would freeze in it. So I convinced her to be Batgirl.

Today, I decided to go and get her outfit while she was visiting with her dad. Small problem, Batgirl outfits were sold out. So were Tinker Bell, and pretty much every Disney Princess imaginable to mankind.

I went to 5 stores. I finally, at Toys R Us, found slim pickings and decided to get her some random fairy costume. Not Tinker Bell, but it will have to do.

I was at the checkout. And I looked at the costume and saw that it had a tear. So I went back to the slim pickings rack and LO and BEHOLD...there was one random TINKER BELL outfit. One problem, No wings. I searched through the store and they finally agreed to take the wings off of a Tinker bell dress up line (different from the Halloween line).

I go to the register and to top it off, the outfit was on sale. For 12 bucks. Rockin Awesome.

I come home and my daughter is overjoyed. "Mommy you remembered my favourite. I love you!". She put the outfit on, it fit perfectly and she jumped up and down on my sofa in her fairy wings, singing all the while. It was pure heaven.

I would do it all again. Nevermind that it took me 2.5 hours and 5 stores. It was well worth it.

And she looks cuter than....well, cuter than Tinkerbell herself!

Moving out at 18

My children spent this weekend with their father. As I was putting my son to bed tonight, he asked me if he can move out when he is 18. I find this concerning, given he is just shy of being 9 years old. I asked him what the benefit would be of moving out.

It turns out that his rationale for moving out is that he would have the choice around which parent to spend time with on any given day, around balancing time between his mom and dad, as well as the luxury of "my house, my rules". He can play video games all day and eat nesquik all day. The latter around "my house, my rules" I understand. I'm sure he hates my Nintendo DS rules which are 30 minutes max per day, not before 5pm or after 8pm, and only if your homework is done. The former reason around being with both parents, I find a bit concerning.

You see, it just shows how very aware he is of the constant struggle between his father and I. He said if he had his own house, we could come and see him when we wanted to, and he wouldn't have to go back and forth between two homes. Interestingly enough, when we went through the assessment earlier this year, the assessor had told me about this. He said that the disruption of two homes has a bigger impact on children than we will ever know. Adults can handle it because we walk around with our high level calendars in our heads. But children of divorced homes don't know if they are coming or going.

I just find all of this very sad.

I don't want my son to feel the loss with his dad. His father has been on better behavior lately (we know these periods are always short lived though). When their dad is behaving better, the kids wish to see him more. It's understandable. However, I'm not sure where the balance is. For now, I feel the need to protect the kids from their dad. I don't want him to hurt them again. On the other hand, I need to allow them to feel comfortable enough to know that their relationship is not being stifled, especially not by me. It's all such a delicate balance...

I had always hoped that the children would live with me until they finished University. A good friend recently told me that it is better that they get their space and move out when they start University at 19. Let them grow and mature and live in residence, he says.

It's all a lot to think about. For now, I'll take happiness in the fact that I have a good 10 years before having to face this discussion for real. In the meantime, today my answer to him was that of course he can move out. As long as he can afford to live on his own income. Then he asked if I would get him a job at my company. No joke. I said yes. He thought for a minute and then said "Well, let's see. Maybe I'll just live in your basement".

And there is yet another topic for discussion....the new generation of freeloading children :D

How Do You End a Rut?

How do we get out of the Ratrace? Seriously? Do you ever feel like life has gotten so monotonous that you don't know when it will ease up? I'm going through that these days.

I keep thinking that things will get easier as the children get older. And then I remember what Mr. NYC says to me. Bigger kids, bigger problems. Well when does it get easier?

I get up at 5:30 am every day. I get showered and changed, I pack lunches, I dress the children, give them breakfast, and get them to school by 8:30. I get to work at 9:45 or 10am depending on traffic. I work hard, I leave at 4:45. I get to the daycare at 6:30. I get the kids home, give them dinner, do homework, put them to bed, and then I work on office stuff on my computer until midnight. And then I get up at 5:30 again.

I'm getting tired. I just want to sleep. I need to be left alone.

And then when I get a weekend without the kids I have a million chores to do.

I'm seriously going to take a weekend and turn off the blackberry and sit home and veg. No people, no conversations.

But back to my point, when does it end? What do we have to really look forward to? What is the next step?

Marriage? Well that comes with its own complications. And really, I don't know if I really want to base my future dreams around a man. I did that once. It didn't work. No more putting eggs in one basket.

So what is the next step in life? There is a big gap of time before the kids move out on their own. So I'm mommy for a long time. I'm also the provider, the cook, the cleaner.

What else am I? An employee. One who is undervalued at times.

What else am I? Where am I going? This is all really scary for me. I mean, what is the next goal in life as a single mom? Not finding a man is it? Not getting married, please don't tell me that....so what is the point of all this?

My mother loves her blackberry

Well this is sad. Talk about having guilt as a single mom. We were at my parent's home tonight. My sister called me and I wasn't listening. She called again. I didn't answer. Then she says to my daughter "I think your mommy is ignoring me"

My daughter's response "She's probably on her blackberry. That's all she ever does. And then she ignores everyone".

How sad. How sad that I've become this. How sad that my daughter knows it. How sad that I am fighting so hard to balance work and life as a single mom, and that just as I think I'm almost there, I get this.

Just when we think we have reached some sort of a destination, we realize we have barely started the journey. Sigh.

Now, I need to find a way to park the blackberry when I'm around the kids.

Sorting out Life

I've had another rough patch. One of those "I don't want to be around anyone" periods in my life. I have one friend that I have been leaning on, but other than that, the world has been shut out lately. Just going through a funk I guess.

It doesn't help that this weekend was insanely busy. I had appts for the kids, a birthday party for the kids to attend and then some. No time to breathe. I even had to cancel my gym workout :( BOO.

I need this court stuff to close now. I need it to be over. With our pre-trial date in Jan, this looks quite a ways off.

Have you ever had a time when you needed to get away? I'm going through that now....

Looking Out the Window

Another "awww" moment, compliments of my daughter....

"Mommy- when I'm at daddy's home, do you look out the window?"
"Sure I do honey. Why?"
"Because when I'm there, I look out the window and whisper every night to you. I say 'Goodnight mommy. I love you and miss you'".

I could feel my eyes welling up....

"Baby, I think I hear you. And I say that I love you too".
"I'm glad we love each other mommy"
"So am I honey. So am I"....

Everybody say "awww"....

Facebook

Today my ex did yet another irresponsible thing. I know, I shouldn't be surprised right? But seriously, I am royally ticked. He setup a facebook account for my 8 year old boy. I got an invite from my son to add him as a friend. Now where do I start with WHY I am so ticked?

1. It is highly inappropriate for an 8 yr old to have a facebook account.
2. It is even against the facebook privacy policy to have an account under the age of 13.
3. My ex told my son to enter the wrong date of birth to open an account. He basically taught my son that it is OK to lie online to get what you want.
4. He setup my son's profile as "single" and "interested in men". WTF??
5. He added a picture of my son to the profile!
6. He never even spoke to me about it first. Hello? Social networking site for an 8 year old?!

I waited until my son came home and I spoke to him about it. I explained that it is not right to lie on these sites and that there is a reason why it has an age of 13. He asked if he could please keep it and I explained that while I really would love to do this for him, it just wouldn't be right. He paused a moment and said "if it makes you that unhappy that I have it, let's just cancel it".

I love my little boy. Thank God these are the days where they still respect their mothers.

I will be shutting down that account and sending an email to his father.

What a royal idiot.

There are Always two Sides to Each Story

Have you ever misjudged someone? I mean REALLY misjudged someone? Like have one of those purely I-know-this-is-so-black-and-white moments, only to find out you were wrong?

I had one of those today. I judged someone so harshly, and was so unforgiving, only to find out that I was the one who was wrong. I, without meaning to, made a mistake and then judged someone for the outcome. In turn, this person, knowing they had been treated harshly, still let it go. All they said is "Don't worry, you didn't know. I'm sure if you knew the truth you wouldn't have reacted that way".

I have so much to learn. Thankfully, I have amazing teachers to learn from.

Sometimes what you see is not the whole picture. Things are not always as they seem.

Eid Comes and Goes

The past two weeks went by really fast. My mom came home from the hospital just in time for Eid. I was glad to have her home. Eid was insanely busy. I visited many families etc. Basically, I attended 5 events on Eid, which was a weekday and I had to go to work the next day! Seriously, I need to start taking the day AFTER Eid off from now on.

Other than that, things are normal. I am finding myself insanely tired lately. And the recent assessment report results seem to have pushed my ex into another manic episode. I'm trying to keep him away from me but his angry emails are starting to be a bit much for me.

Fortunately, I have friends around that are always a wonderful support. Right now, I'm just trying to get through the next while. My ex has completely stopped paying all child support, so it's running a bit tight. I'm sure this is his way of torturing me for having things go my way. The way I see it, if I can survive this, I will be able to survive just about anything.

Here's to strength and independence. To hell with creepy ex husbands.

A Menally Relaxing Weekend

I did errands this weekend, visited mom, did homework, but I have to say, I cannot remember the last time I had this much peace of mind.

This must be what it feels like to be normal.

I know I have a court case coming up....but I am enjoying savoring the moment, even if just for a few days.

And, I learned today that mom will be coming home on Friday. Just in time for Eid. Hooray!

And- a big thank you to all my friends who have given me support and strength to get this far. I love you guys.

The Assessor's Recommendations

It went well. It went just about as well as I could have wanted. Thank God. I actually came home and fell asleep. I think the built up fatigue just kind of caught up to me yesterday. My lawyer said this was the first time she ever saw an assessment so much in favor of one side.

Here is a summary of his recommendations:

• Full custody for me- He basically said this should never have been joint custody to begin with. He said that when one partner was abused, you cannot force the parents to co-parent and make joint decisions. He said all decisions for the children should be made by me, and that I do not have to consult with my ex first. But I do have to give him an FYI.
• Visitation every other weekend for my ex- He gets to see the kids every other weekend, unsupervised (but there are stipulations, see below). He is not allowed to see them mid week as he disrupts their school routine. In addition, I have to do all homework with the kids, my ex does not b/c he is "not capable" of managing a stressful routine without losing his temper. In addition, he has to bring them home early at 2pm on Sundays so that I can do homework with the children (rather than bringing them home at 7pm)
  
• I am allowed to relocate to NYC- This was incredible. He said it was actually in the best interests of the children that I relocate so that the children can have a normal life. He said they have been exposed to a very distorted reality and so they deserve to see that people can have normal lives that do not involve abuse. If I move, I have to bring the children back about 6 times per year to see their dad, including a month long visit in July. The other months where there is no visit, he has to come to NYC to visit the kids if he wants to see them.
• My ex has to be under the care of a psychiatrist- The assessor said that my ex most definitely has mental health issues, and likely bipolar disorder. In order to be unsupervised around the children, my ex has to go to a psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I am to get confirmation that he is attending and following the recommendations of the psychiatrist (eg- medications). If he doesn't go to a psychiatrist, he has to find a supervisor for his visits.

There was some other really neat stuff said:

• He said that the children are doing well for the most part, and the only reason that they are not "unstable" is because they have me for a mother. (I cried when he said that). He said that my ex has to make peace with me and accept that I have been the main caregiver to the kids and done a good job raising them.
• He said that he has confirmed that my ex was an abusive husband, from multiple sources. "You were an abusive husband, and you are an abusive father"...
• He said Mr. NYC was a great role model for the kids and that the kids really love him. He feels he can provide them with stability
• He said that my ex was "controlling, angry, unstable"

So what are the next steps? That rests with my ex. He can either consent to the recommendations, or we take this to trial. The assessor urged him not to go to trial. He said "If you go to trial, you will not win this. You have a good lawyer but even the best lawyer in the country can't win this for you". Let's see what happens. Knowing my ex, I am fully expecting this to go to trial and waste more time and money. But my lawyer says it is rare for a judge to overturn an assessor's recommendations. We don't expect that to happen.

My friend was right. He always said "be patient, your day will come". This is my day.

I have to say, the sun feels like it is shining exceptionally bright today.

The Night is Always Darkest...

...Just before the dawn.

Words spoken in the Dark Knight Movie....let's hope they are true.

Tonight is absolutely unbearable for me. I had the crappiest day at work. I am just feeling like crap. I have the assessment disclosure tomorrow at 10am. I came home with the biggest headache in the world. I wanted to go to sleep early, but I know that I won't. Oh ya, and my ex brought the children back ridiculously late again (9pm). What a jerk.

And as if there weren't' already enough on my plate to begin with (you know, despite the assessment and the crappy work stuff), I get a phone call from the children's therapist. Apparently my gem of an ex husband has withdrawn consent for the children to see this therapist. My children have an appointment on Saturday. I can't take them now. This is just UNREAL.

I mean, as if they haven't been put through enough! The one thing keeping them sane is their therapy. They are well adjusted kids despite the fact that they have the most screwed up father in the world. I attribute their well adjusted-ness to their therapist, and well, to me. But I can't save them alone. I need her. When she called me tonight, she was very apologetic, and did admit to me that in all her time in therapy (over 20 years) my ex is right up there as one of the worst ex husbands ever. Well, I guess I should get the asshole ex husband cookie. Yaay for me.

Anyhow, I have spent the past 45 minutes just fuming, and now my head is just pounding. I am totally completely fed up. And now I feel all hopeless about this assessment. I am just holding on for tomorrow.

I hope the night really is darkest just before the dawn. That would mean that tomorrow will only get better.

I have my fingers crossed, my prayers going and I still have a bit of hope. I need to resolve all this stuff soon. The longer I wait, the bigger this mess seems to get. :(

Pray for me guys. A lot really rests on tomorrow. In fact, everything does.

Getting Closer...

Two Days to go.

I have no idea how I am surviving this agony. I'm sure the wait is the worst part. At least I hope so.

Actually I know how I am surviving. I have been swamped with two projects from hell at work, and I have the comfort of great friends when I'm not there. Thank God for my friends.

My mom called to see how I'm doing. Imagine that. She is in the hospital and she wants to know how I am holding up. She reassured me. "I'm confident this should go in your favor. The evidence itself is very strong." This from my mom who is in the hospital. Now that is blessed isn't it?

It can only get better. That's what I keep telling myself.

4 Days to Go

I have been counting the days. I can't sleep. I am mentally a mess. I'm not expecting anything bad, I just need this to be over. I have had enough. With everything.

Thank God I was able to keep busy this weekend. Thank God for my friends. I spent Friday night with friends. Actually, I was at Fatima's home (my ex's ex wife). She had a party, I had a lovely time.

On Saturday, I had another nice day. I kept busy with a good friend and I kept my mind off things, and it was great company. It worked out well.

Today I spent the bulk of the day with Mom at the hospital. She is recovering really well.

Like I said, this weekend was all about keeping busy.

4 Days to Go.

It's a Wonderful World

Yesterday, I had one of the more beautiful mornings ever. It started off all frustrating but my son saved the day. God Bless him.

I am one of those people who for the most part keeps her home organized, but I have my moments. I have this one Tupperware cupboard that is a disaster. Every time I open it, stuff falls out. I tidy it up from time to time, but it just seems to go back to what it was, no matter how many times I clean it up.

Yesterday, I was running late. I was packing lunches. I needed Tupperware. I opened the cupboard, and a bunch fell out. On my head. I was frustrated, but I ignored it and put the Tupperware back. Then I realized I forgot to take out one for the children's lunch. So I open the cupboard again and you guessed it, they fell on my head again. This time I was VERY frustrated, but tried to stay calm. (The children, were after all, sitting in the kitchen, eating cereal and watching me).

I put the Tupperware away (neater this time), and I closed the cupboard. I then realized that I left the lid in the cupboard, and I open it and....you guessed it. A Tupperware fell on my head.

Now normally I would laugh it off, but I was:

1. Late for work
2. Still had to pack lunches
3. Frustrated at myself for letting this happen a third time
4. Annoyed that I don't have more cupboard space.

So what do I do? I shout. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!!!"

I turn. I look at the children. I turn back. I put the Tupperware back in the cupboard. I feel a tug on my sleeve. I turn, I hear music. I see my son standing before me. He went to the CD player and put on one of my favourite songs.

It was Louis Armstrong, It's a Wonderful World. I get teary eyed. I look at him. He smiles. "Don't worry mommy. Just start the day over".

I smile. I hug him. I tell him how much I love him.

He made my day. I'm so glad to have him in my life.

Profanities

Not only did my ex bring the children home at 9pm again (on a weeknight, despite the 8pm court order), but I also learned some disturbing news from the children. My ex has been getting angry at them, and using profanities with the children. Please excuse the profanities that I am about to mention below. But I was horrified at what the children told me tonight.

The children have recounted to me that their father swears at them. Tonight my son told me his their father called him a "fucking asshole" and that he did this last week as well. He said that he is called this when he doesn't listen to/obey his father. This is how my son described it:

• my son doesn't listen to what he is told
• My ex says "Why do you have to be such a fucking asshole?!"
• My son replies (in fear) "I'm sorry Baba. Don't yell!"
• My ex says "Oh ya, if you're sorry, then say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole"
• My son says "I'm sorry for being a fucking asshole".

My daughter confirmed this to me as well. How I found out tonight is that my son and daughter were arguing (it was late to be putting them to bed so they were cranky), and my son said "Fine Mary. Say you're sorry for being a fucking asshole". I got upset, asked where he learned this language, and this is what both children told me. They said it is not the first time this has happened. I explained that they are not to use this language, EVER. I told Mary to tell her father she is not allowed to use this language. Mary then told me that she is called a "fucking bitch".

I keep thinking that there has to be something that can be done. He was better under supervision. Isn't swearing at a child the same as emotional abuse? It's definitely inappropriate discipline. I'm not sure what options I have in this regard, but this is very serious.

Honestly, sometimes I feel so completely hopeless, like there is no way to get out of this mess. It just keeps getting worse and worse and all that is happening is that he keeps getting out of it, and all I am left with is a huge mound of financial debt. It just doesn't seem fair.

One week to go. The assessment report is a week tomorrow. I believe there is a God. There has to be justice at some point. If that meeting goes badly, I am going to give up completely.

One prayer at a time...

Mom's Knee Surgery

My mom had her knee surgery today. I took the day off and had the opportunity to be the one to take her to the hospital. We got there at 8am, surgery started at 10:45am, she was done at 12:30 PM and was brought back to her room at 3:30PM. I stayed until about 5:45PM and then I left to go and pick up my kids from the daycare.

I would do this again for her any day. There is something so special about mothers. I feel so glad that I was able to be with her.

As I watched my mother sleep, I thought of all that she had given up for me. She had a job in a bank back in the 70's (big deal for a Pakistani woman) and she quit to stay home with me, because I cried at the babysitter. The next few years, I benefited from having my mother walk me to school regularly, or wait at the front door with warm almond milk for us, or a fresh hot lunch every day. Mom baked regularly, she sewed our clothes, and she bought us treats. Mom was our life. And today, I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to take care of her. How fitting. How lucky I am. And at the same time, it broke my heart to see her in pain. I'm only glad that this was not a life threatening surgery, and that really, after this is truly over, she will be a lot better off. Maybe in a few months time, we can take her on a shopping spree to Buffalo again. This time, with a new knee, she will be able to keep up with me and my sister. I can't wait.

I just hope that one day my children feel for me the way I feel for my mother. For now, all I can do is live with her example, and hope to be loved as much by my kids as she is by us. I can try to be a good mother and hope that one day they love me for it, and that they don't find too many mistakes in my efforts.

Then again- I can't really go wrong. I have one of the best examples to learn from.

The Flat Tire

On Friday morning, I drove into work just fuming over my ex's fiasco at the daycare. I spoke to my lawyer on the phone and as I pulled into the parking garage at work, I hit the curb that holds the pass machine (where you tap your pass to get into the garage) and I popped a tire. Not a little hole a big huge hole. Instantly flat. I was SO frustrated, I cannot tell you. Why me is all I could think in my head.

So I parked my car on the side and went up to the office. And here is where I realized how lucky I really am. My boss and my colleague/friend changed the tire for me. How often do your colleagues do that for you?

The rest of the day was frustrating, office issues, the usual, and I had a hard time getting through the day.

On Saturday, when I went to Costco, I found out that the treads on ALL tires were pretty much gone, meaning they would need to be changed by October anyways. Crap. $560 dollars later, I was on my way.

I had tickets to the Soccer Game. I went with my friend, and the children, and my best friend's son. It was a great game. We watched our team lose miserably, but the company was good and the crowd was hilarious. And I needed it. I had fun, and it de-stessed me after that unexpected $560 hit. Sigh.

I am just counting the days till the assessment meeting. Sept 18 cannot come fast enough. All I keep telling myself is that soon enough, all this stress that pre-occupies me should be lifted. There will be an answer either way, and I will accept it whatever it is. I just cannot do this much longer.

The Horror of Weeknight Access

Not only did he bring them home late again (8:45PM on a weeknight Wed night), but he did another screw up. Get this:

I was advised by the daycare that my ex is creating issues. He has recently been complaining about the wife (it is a husband and wife couple who own the daycare/Tae Kwan Do after school program). The wife isn't a huge fan of my ex because about a year ago, my ex took the children on a night that wasn't his, and I had to call the police to find out where they were. When the daycare found out, she called him to ask him to bring the children back (since she was liable for giving them to him on a wrong night) and he yelled at her. Ever since that incident, she hasn't been particularly fond of him. In addition, my ex would never bring the children in for their belt tests and the children would fall behind. As a result, this after school program has had to accommodate my children by holding tests around my ex's schedule for me. Just to clarify, she doesn't act rude to him, she just doesn't say anything when he comes in. (She doesn't greet him, but she has asked others to make sure he is treated well).

On Wed, my ex got angry, disrupted the husband (the instructor) while he was teaching a class and told him that this was a "hostile environment" and that he was going to call his lawyer and have the children removed from the daycare.

Needless to say, the children have been going to this place for years. They absolutely love it there. I am NOT in ANY way prepared to change daycares. In addition, rather than putting my children in a "warehouse" after school, I took great efforts to find an after school program with a sport affiliated with it, and this is one where the children have made many friends and they LOVE the program. They get an hour Tae Kwan Do lesson every night after school, and this has been really good for their self confidence and for channeling energy (particularly for my son)

I need this to end. My ex is destroying the children's stability, both the overall weekday routines by bringing them home late and by trying to ruin this for them too. He just can't seem to hold a stable relationship with anyone, and he creates fights and issues everywhere that he goes. His behavior will definitely have a negative impact on the children. I just hope that there is justice when we get the assessor's report on Sept 18. A week and a half to go.

Not Fit to Parent

I know. I should know this by now, but I guess I allow his actions to continue to shock me. It's just absolutely amazing to me just how bad of a parent he really is. I mean, you would think that eventually, the love for his children would kick in and make him do the right thing, but it never does.

He is supposed to bring the children back at 7:30PM. Today, he brought them back at 8:45. And their bedtime is 8:30PM. And tomorrow is the first day of school. Now tell me this...what kind of parent has so little regard for his children that he would deliberately do things to set them up for failure?

My ex.

With God as my witness, I fasted today and if one prayer gets answered, I hope this man gets every inch of what he deserves. There better be justice when we go to court. There better be.

Happy Ramadan!

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I'm so glad that it falls on a weekend day, because the first fast is always the most difficult. That and the fact that I was out late yesterday with my sister and brother in law in Niagara Falls, so I'm tired. Glad I'm not at work.

I got a mini scolding from my mom today, because I woke up before dawn for breakfast, but was too tired to eat. I had a glass of orange juice and a handful of nuts. Mom got mad, because she said that it's a long fast (goes till 8pm) and that a glass of juice was not sufficient. If I can't fast properly on my own, then I should come and stay with her and do it right. :) I love my mom. She cares so much about us. Where would I be without her?

I'm hoping to make this Ramadan a more spiritual one for myself and the children. I have to accept that my angst with religion has influenced the children, and so I need to at least let go of some of it, and bring back some of it for them. I plan to go to the mosque this Ramadan, and to take the children with me. I might even host and Iftaar (breaking fast) party at my home. And I intend to teach them how to pray. I know, it's all well overdue, but at least I have good intentions this year. That is a start.

It's 2pm right now. 6 hours till we can break fast, and now I'm feeling hungry. Methinks mom was right. Mental note, eat a proper breakfast tomorrow morning...

Mom is going for her knee surgery this month, either this Wednesday or next Wednesday. This is long overdue, so I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later. I would love to see mom walk without pain again.

Anyhow, now I sit, I pay bills, I wait for the kids to come home and for sunset so we can break fast :P

Happy Ramadan everyone!

Let's go to the Ex

I spent the bulk of the day at the CNE with the children. We had a blast. (Picture ME walking around with flipflops and a backpack. So funny!) The children spent over an hour at the petting zoo and then another hour in the farming building learning about animals. We went to the arts and crafts building, bought a few things, and before I knew it, it was 4pm, and their dad was waiting outside to take them for his weekend with the kids. As I dropped the kids to him, my sister and her hubby arrived, and we got to spend some grown up time together, sans enfants. Overall, it was a good day.

On another note, I had an interesting conversation with a good friend today. It left me feeling a bit weird. Not to get into details, but you know those moments when you feel like everything is just not worth it, but at the same time, feel like you just have to keep holding on anyways? Hard to describe, but I spent a good part of the day with the "why bother" mentality, mixed with the "because you have to" response.

To end the day, I went to the stall where they did Shiatsu massages. I got a 20 min massage, and this girl was an "energy therapist"...she said the bulk of my back problems are from emotional strain. I've heard this one before, but this was not the best day to hear it again. Sigh.

I'll just chalk it up to a lucky guess for now.

Now I have an entire weekend to myself. Most of my friends have long weekend plans, so I will have to find my way around.

A Week off Work

Well, sort of. I always check email periodically :) It's a curse. But really, I think to myself, if I don't do it, I'll just have to stay late to catch up when I get back to work.

I have the week off because daycares are closed. I am spending time with the children. Mr. NYC came yesterday for a visit too, and we just dropped him off at the airport. The children are accustomed to seeing him around now, so they hang out with him, but they also do their own thing, which is good. It was cute yesterday though. When he arrived, both of them cuddled and sat in his lap to watch TV. It was nice.

I took the children to Canada's Wonderland on Tuesday. We had a really nice time. I'm glad I took the week off. Tomorrow we go to the ex. Then they go to their dad for the weekend. Boo to that. My daughter keeps saying she doesn't want to go, but unfortunately, I don't have a choice on this one.

Exactly 3 weeks until the assessment report comes out. I cannot wait. It feels as if my entire life is dependent on that one report. I am just passing the time, trying to get through the next 3 weeks.

When the Kids Come Home

It's like this entire burden is lifted off my shoulders. I feel whole again. I feel happy again, and I know they are safe and sound.

Don't get me wrong. I am very human. I welcome the break. But at the same time, given the entire craziness with my ex, the break comes with it's own stress. So while I welcome the break, I also long for their return.

I'm glad they are home. Next weekend is my weekend, and the week after that I have taken off work to spend with my babies. YAAY.

I just need to get through the next 5 days at work, and then I have a good stretch of time just to be a mom. :)

The Biggest Ever Killer is Stress

We all know this, but it scares me every time.

• The biggest killer for people is stress
• Then unhealthy eating
• Then lack of exercise
  
• Then lack of sleep

So what happens when you are a single mom in a legal battle, who eats on the go, exercises only 2x a week and sleeps 4.5 hrs a night? :( :( :( :(

Crap. Now I feel SO freaked out.

And you know, I don't even know if I would care. But really, if something ever happened to me, who the hell would take care of my kids?

NOT MY EX...But legally....I think it would be my ex. SIGH.

I need to change things fast. Let's start with the sleep. I'm going to aim for 6hrs as a start. I'm halfway there on the eating, so I'll work on that too.

Decreasing stress is out of my reach right now....increasing exercise is difficult...no time.

Small steps....

The Internet is a Very Scary Place

I just watched a bloody freaky episode of Oprah. I PVR Oprah, so this one was from early July. She talked about webcams and the amount of very young children that are lured into pornography and molested as early as 9 or 10. They are first approached by people acting like children and then later ask them to do small things for money which they send to them via Paypal. Now I'm not entirely surprised, I mean, I know full well that children are approached by adults online and that adults often try to meet with children in person. That wouldn't normally scare me, as many parents keep a really close eye on where their children are going, who they are with etc.

What really scared me is that these children are approached by "friends" and then paid large amounts of money for things that may not strike them as a big deal (show me your underwear, take off your shirt if you're a boy) etc. And then months later they are making thousands of dollars a week selling their bodies online to pedophiles. How incredibly sad, and terrifying. The scary part is that this happens all from the privacy of their bedrooms. The parents never know what is going on behind their children's closed doors.

I have good friends who say that you should never allow kids to have computers in their rooms. I agree wholeheartedly.

In addition to that, I will never let my children have a webcam. NEVER.

A Hellish 2 Weeks...

Here is a timeline of events for the past 2 weeks. These are all very disturbing to me. They have in fact consumed me for the past two weeks, to the point that I cannot sleep and I have just been beside myself with worry.

It is all so very sad. This is an unreasonable amount of stress and trauma for a young 8 year old boy to endure. My ex is as always, abusing his role as a joint custodial parent, and he has not been able to act in the best interests of the children, nor is he keeping their emotional well being in mind.


Friday, July 25, 2008

• We met with the doctor, who diagnosed my son with ADHD
• The significance of this is that I wanted to have my son tested a year ago. My ex refused and I had to get a court order to get my son tested. Had my ex listened to me, we would have had treatment for our son by now. This further feeds into the need for a sole custodial arrangement. The joint custody is not helping the children. It is hurting them. I just hope the courts have enough sense to see through all this crap
  

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

• My ex had his visit with the children. He called me at 5:30, within an hour of picking up the children as my son had a meltdown after his father picked him up about choice of restaurants for dinner.
  
• My ex handled it very inappropriately and told him that he has a temper problem and that there is something wrong with him (ie the ADD), that we have confirmed he needs medication to fix his bad behavior. I cannot stress enough how highly inappropriate this was for him to say. I have deliberately not told my son about the diagnosis because I wanted the direction of a trained therapist on how to approach the matter first. A child's self esteem is at stake here. Things escalated between my son and my ex and my son demanded to go back home to his mother, stating that he would "rather die" than be with his dad.
• I got a phone call from my ex at around 5:30 (an hour after he had picked up the children) and he said (in front of the children) that my son was out of control, he needed meds, he has issues etc. I spoke to my son who was very hysterical and kept crying asking what was wrong with him and why did he need the medication. I reassured him that nothing was wrong with, that he was a good little boy, and that he didn't need to worry. I managed to calm him down and he said he wanted to come home, that he didn't want to be with his father ever again. I spoke to my ex and told him that he can bring the children to me. I was in a meeting with a colleague while all this happened and the colleague witnessed everything- My son's hysterics (which he could hear through the phone) and what I said to my ex
  
• My ex came to drop the children off to me at 6:30
  
• Once my son came home, I was able to calm him down. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and he was perfectly fine all day Thursday and all day Friday.
  

Friday August 1, 2008

• This was my ex's weekend with the children (supervised by his family). It was a long weekend.
• I got a phone call from my ex, explaining that he was considering taking my son to sick kids hospital, because he felt that he was suicidal. I reminded him that this "wanting to die" thing was over 48 hours ago, that our son was perfectly fine and happy and that there was no emergency. He was simply trying to get his father's attention at the time, and let him know that he was serious when he said he wanted to come home. Truthfully, if my son was suicidal or depressed, I would have seen it. I know my child VERY well, and the fact that my ex would say or do this just shows how little he really does know about our son.
  
• I explained to my ex that there is a very big difference between a suicidal child and a child that says he would "rather die than be with his dad". But my ex told me he called Sick Kids, and another Hospital, and they all told him that if a child was suicidal they should take him to emergency. I of course, knowing my child, knew he was absolutely not suicidal, and I also have to wonder that when my ex called all these organizations for advice, did he give them the RIGHT amount of background information, specifically that:
• he hadn't interacted with his children unsupervised for about 6 months
• There is a history of violence towards the children on his part
• Our son said he wanted to go home to his mother and that he would rather die than be with his father (this is not exactly suicidal in my opinion, and I think if this information had been relayed, my ex would have gotten a different answer )
• Also, if my ex really believed that my son was suicidal, why didn't he take him to a hospital on Wed instead of handing him off to me, and why did he then turn and insist on taking him to a hospital 48hours later? - I believe it was to manipulate as he knew that he was already in trouble for what had happened on Wed night, namely that he couldn't handle our son, that he had to send him home to me, and that my son stated that he would rather die than be with his father. I personally believe that my ex was afraid of how this would look for him, and was trying to do whatever he could to salvage the situation. However, putting our son through this process was not fair to him, and was not the right approach.
  
• I reiterated that there is a difference between suicidal and a threat to get his way. My ex then told me that he felt that it was a good idea to take him to sick kids, because he would then be able to bypass the 6 month intake process and have our son seen for his ADHD as well. I told my ex that this was the wrong way to do things, and that we should go through a proper referral process for the ADHD, and that he should not be using this issue as a means to bypass the intake, that this wasn't fair to put our son through this. In my opinion, this was my ex's attempt to manipulate the system.
  
• My ex said he would think about it, but that he might need to take our son to sick kids.
• I told him to let me know what route he was going to take as I would want to be there (my fears were that he wouldn't share the details of our case and just position it as a suicidal child, which is exactly what he did).
• At the end of the weekend (2 days later), I got an email from my ex stating that he had taken our son to Sick Kids on Friday night, and that there was a follow up appointment for him on Wed at 9am. I replied saying that I would take him to the appointment myself.
  

Tuesday August 5th 2008

• I got an email from my ex at 9:23pm stating that his appointment for Wed 9am has moved to Thursday at 9am. No explanation, no doctor's name, no contact information provided, despite the fact that I repeatedly asked for the Doctor's name and telephone number.
• In my opinion, this was a deliberate tactic on his part to squeeze me out of the appointment. I had changed all my Wed meetings to Thursday and I now had to cancel them again. I suspect he was hoping that I would let him take the children to the appointment, or that I would not get the email in time and would show up Wed, only to be told to come back the next day.

Wednesday August 6th 2008

• My ex has a 4 hr access period on Wed nights (unsupervised, in a public place)
• My ex's lawyer sent a letter to my lawyer late in the day, requesting that my ex be allowed to keep our son overnight Wed to take him to the appointment on Thursday. I decline the request. To me, this just further shows that he was trying to squeeze me out of this whole process at sick kids. I can only assume this is because he didn't want me telling them the truth about his access arrangements to the children and so that he could take complete control of the situation.
  
• My ex picked the children up at 5:30pm for his 4 hour access time (they arrived back from their summer camp trip at 5:30)
  
• He returned them to me at 10 pm, despite the fact that there was a 9am appt at Sick Kids the next day, meaning we would need to wake up by 6:30am to leave by 7:30am, and despite my numerous text messages reminding him not to bring them late, as they had to wake up early,
  

Thursday August 7th 2008- Sick Kids Hospital follow up appt

• We had the appointment at Sick Kids at 9am
• My ex showed up for the appointment also
  
• I asked the receptionist why they changed the appointment to Thursday and she advised me that "the father" came in on Tuesday in person to change the appointment to Thursday. My question to him would be:
• If I was the one taking our son why didn't he confirm my availability first before changing the appointment time?
• Why did he move the appointment out by yet another day if he was "so concerned" about a "suicidal child"?
  
• If he changed the appointment, why didn't he inform me until 9:30 the night before (unless of course he was planning to send a lawyer's letter late in the day Wed hoping to keep our son overnight. I believe he scheduled the appointment for Thursday, hoping he could keep them overnight on Wed and bring him in himself).
  
• Why was he trying to squeeze me out of the process?
• When we sat down with the intake co-ordinator, she asked my son a series of questions. When she asked him if he knew why he was here he said no. She explained that it was because he said he wanted to kill himself. My son immediately responded that:
• He would never hurt himself
• He just said that to his dad to get him to take him seriously
• He said his dad never listens to him, and that he never compromises, that Mom listens and sometimes says no to things, but that with dad its always his way and so this was his my son's) way of getting his dad to take him seriously
• He said he understood it was wrong to say it especially if he didn't mean it
• At the end, they closed the file. They did recommend that we take high conflict therapy for families. They faxed a report to the family doctor. The report clearly states that there is no sign of depression/suicidal tendencies.
  
• They said that regarding the ADHD, we would have to go through regular channels- meaning a doctor's referral to sick kids, or we can just work with the existing doctor and therapist. They said that between the children's therapist and MD, our son would get faster treatment than if he waited for 6-12 months intake process

Honestly, I have had just about enough of all this crap. In 4 weeks, I will have the assessor's report and I can proceed to court to put an end to all this. I am tired, I am fed up, and now I am just plain angry. Hurting me is one thing. Hurting my children I just cannot tolerate.

There has to be justice. There just has to. I am really counting on the courts to pull through for me. There is only so much one person can take, and now I have really really hit my final limit.

Enough is enough.

Mr. NYC Meets the Parents

Well, I was not expecting this. At all.

We had planned for Mr. NYC to come to Toronto this weekend. He had some work to do for a Pakistani concert in Toronto, so it worked out well (actually, the work came up after we booked his ticket, and after he arrived here in Toronto, but hey, I'm not complaining). So anyways, today, as he was ready to leave, we decided it was time for him to meet my parents. Just like that. Totally unplanned, totally last minute. I called up my parents and told them I was bringing my friend from NYC over for tea. They were open to meeting him.

I was a bit nervous about how my dad would be. I mean, I didn't want the old "what are your intentions with my daughter" speech. I just wanted them to meet like they do with any other friend. And I was worried. Worried that my overprotective-nobody-is-good-enough-for-my- daughter dad would would over and ruin the meeting. I told my dad to meet him as a friend. Not to question him yet, as we haven't decided things on our end yet. He reluctantly agreed.

My dad greeted him well, treated him well and actually liked him! He was actually joking with him by the end of the visit. Not just kidding around but holding your belly and laughing joking.

Afterwards, he said that Mr. NYC is a "really decent guy" and he wishes me all the best and hopes this work out for me whatever I may decide!!! Can you believe that? All this stress, avoiding my parents and it went so well....thank GOD!

Afterwards, Mr. NYC said "Behave yourself. Your dad is just a nice guy. You described him as so overprotective and difficult. You know what I think? I think you don't know your own father."

Um. Wow....

Hell has officially frozen over....I am so totally shocked.

So what next? Nothing. I haven't figured that out yet. I think the court case will dictate alot of that. In the meantime, I am just pleasantly surprised by my parents. And I have a newly found respect for them. Nothing wrong with that, right?

ADHD

My son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder last week. It was a rough week. I haven't blogged because I was trying to get my head around things.

I saw this coming, and I have somewhat mentally prepared myself for it, but I think I need to figure out what to do next to help him.

The situation with the crazy ex husband certainly doesn't help things at all.

The one good news...I had my son tested for juvenile bipolar disorder too. Fortunately, there were no signs of that. That is the good news. Really good news. It makes the ADHD small in comparison. Thank God for perspective.

So next steps, I will soak this in, and consult with some professionals.

I keep reminding myself- God never gives you a challenge that is bigger than what you can face.

In time, this will pass. I will get through this and my little baby will be OK.

Losing Steam

As the last few months (hopefully) of this case are just around the corner, I find myself losing the stamina to continue. Things have been so brutal lately and at their height in ugliness. I just don't know if I have it in me to keep this up. This isn't me. I'm not cut out for this hostility. I just want to be free and happy. In the process of getting free, I got stuck in this never ending hostility. It is totally wrong.

In a conversation yesterday, Mr. NYC gently told me that I need to be prepared to accept that my ex will never really leave me alone. This craziness that has been my life may not be containable. It made me kind of sad to hear it. And then part of me realized what he was doing. If I mentally accept it as my reality, it won't surprise me anymore. I think he's right, I just don't know if I'm mentally there yet.

Either way, Mr. NYC will be here for the weekend, and I am really looking forward to the visit. Little rays of sunshine through the clouds I guess.

I cannot tell you just how much I want this to be over. If I can live through the next few months, I can live through just about anything.

Oct Moves to Nov...

Another delay. My ex's lawyer says he can't make Oct 15th. He is now requesting a date in November. Do you ever feel like some people just have no sense of responsibility? I am so fed up of these games.

I find myself feeling really down these days. I'm trying to snap out of it, but it's really difficult. I mean, it's been 4 years. When will this end?

The Divorce Cake

Sorry Guys. I just couldn't resist posting this. It's hilarious. A bit graphic and creepy but funny none the less. I wonder if anyone has ever had a party with a divorce cake?

And my Babies are Home...

The children are back from their weekend with their dad's. They stayed at his brother's home, so it was a supervised visit. They had a lot of fun, and their dad was on good behaviour. Thank God. I can breathe a sigh of relief.

On another note, I am emotionally drained from this weekend. It is very rare for me to spend so much time to myself and I learned a few things this weekend:

1. I am truly an extrovert. I knew this before, but now I know what it REALLY means. I need to be around people to recharge. I feel like I haven't recharged so I feel a bit like I still need that face time with people. That being said, I did sort through a lot of stuff, so that is good.
   
2. I actually can live with myself, and I know that no matter what, even if I am single forever, that's OK. I will be just fine.
3. The best friends are those who can see you in your darkest hour and still be there for you, even when you are being really moody.
4. For some of us (people like me), our friends and family are our world.
   

Domestic Violence In America

I watched another Oprah episode that I found to be sad, but it was a good one for me to watch. It was about domestic violence. It was a story about a woman whose ex husband dosed her with gasoline and set her on fire. I saw Oprah interviewing this woman who was burned all over. She was beautiful before and while externally scarred, she seemed to still be hopeful for the future. I'm convinced that things will go better for her, and I pray that it does. And then I realized....all I'm losing is money and patience. But my health is better than ever and my children are adjusting well. They adore Mr. NYC and ask me if I can marry him. They actually WANT me to marry him. Instead of having children that react to a boyfriend mine are supportive. I've been such an ingrate lately. I don't know where my head has been. I have so much to be grateful for.

There were 3 statistics on the show about domestic violence that really saddened me. I just had to share them with everyone...

1. Every 15 seconds, a woman in the US is abused by a boyfriend or spouse. (HOLY CRAP! I mean aside from the fact that I am not alone in what I went through, how sad is this? And what is happening to all those women? I am one of the rare ones who got a fresh start. I am really so very lucky. And WE really need to do something to help all those women. I mean- guys, that was ME!)
2. One in 3 women will suffer domestic violence in their lifetime. Again- this is so sad, it made me cry.
3. 30% of female deaths occur as a result of physical abuse from their partner. This one hits home. I found an old diary the other day. I read one of the entries that I wrote a few years into my marriage (maybe one day I'll type it here), but I actually wrote that I was afraid of my ex, and that I honestly believed that one day I would be killed by him. A few years later, I wrote the same thing again. It just made me think- I have so much to be thankful for. And, I need to do something to help others get out of abusive marriages. I have a success story to share and I need to use it for the benefit of others. I have a few ideas- one of them was just going to a local women's shelter and helping women rebuild their resumes and find jobs online. Any takers who want to join me?
   

It's Been an Interesting Weekend So Far...

If you force yourself to spend time alone, you learn a lot about yourself. I know, I've been all alone (no people around me at all) for only 24 hrs so far. It's amazing how hard it is to live in your own head sometimes. I had to fight the urge to call up friends and go out. I find it amazing just how much I depend on others for support, entertainment, etc. I resisted the urge to call my friends, because I needed to figure out a few things. Life has just been so unsettling lately and I really needed the space to think. I did some thinking and I'm not at end goal, but I am slowly getting some clarity. Some of it is scary, some of it is learning about myself. I'm looking forward to tonight. If it doesn't rain, I am planning on taking a traditional paper and pen diary up to the lake and just writing about life.

One of the things I did do so far this weekend is watch Oprah shows on my PVR. I record them regularly but never get time to watch them. I find Oprah so incredibly inspiring. By being able to fast forward through commercials, I've actually been able to watch quite a few episodes while eating, folding laundry, etc. (Don't worry, I haven't spent the entire weekend in front of the tube). I found a few episodes particularly interesting. Two of them were about the strength of positive energy, that what we believe about ourselves dictates what comes back to us. To be honest, a friend at work said this to me a few weeks back as well. I think it is true- positive thinking breeds positive results, and negative thinking breeds negative results. The people on the show described it by saying that the "universe is listening" and that it will "give you back whatever you feed to it".

If I look back, although I have experienced a lot of negative events, things always got better. And, when I went through the worst hardships that I have been through, although I was stressed out, better things came my way, BECAUSE I SINCERELY BELIEVED THEY WOULD.

Lately, I have been strung out again:

• partially because the court case is winding down (and there have been unexpected kinks along the way)
• partly because of financial matters
• partly because of some personal matters
• partly because work has been busier as I have been short staffed
  

For some reason, lately I have just become very negative, and destructive. I mean, I've faced worse with a positive outlook but for some reason, this time, I haven't been positive at all. And to be honest, the more negative I've been, the worse things have been getting.

That being said, I am pretty confident that things will get better. I started off this weekend expecting it to be positive and to re-direct me again, and you know what? I think it is doing just that. (Hey- maybe I was MEANT to see those two episodes of Oprah! I LOVE YOU OPRAH!)

Three cheers for positive thinking!

It Is Better to be From a Broken Home than Living in a Broken Home...

How true it is.

I need to remind myself of that the next time I feel crappy, guilty, or like the children's lives are hopeless because of the divorce.

I always knew this (I mean, that was the driving principle to why I filed for divorce), but it's nice to be reminded.

Well put, Dr. Phil. (BTW- I am NOT personally a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but I saw the quote and rather liked it).

This is the first weekend in 6 months that the children will be with their father. I'm trying not to focus on the fact that it almost feels like a setback. I mean I am right back where I was 6 months ago. I'm sure the past 6 months will catch up to him at some point in court. But they haven't caught up with him yet.

Anyhow, I started off planning a bunch of things that I had to do. I had back to back plans with friends etc. I even had to turn down a Buffalo shopping trip with one of my best friends because I was so busy.

And then I realized. I never take the time for myself. I've been feeling so depressed lately and so crappy and so hopeless. I don't need more stuff on my plate. I need less. I need to sleep it off. I am so exhausted I can barely function.

So here is the plan. I will go to the gym today, tomorrow, Sunday. I will catch up on my house chores, and I will sleep. I need to get the rest.

I canceled everything with all the friends. Most of them read this blog. I'm sure the good friends will forgive me.

Now my weekend is free.

I have a date with the bubble bath, with Starbucks, and with my bed. I might even go wild and rent some movies and eat popcorn.

Case Conference in Court

Today was our case conference. I am truly getting sick of all this crap. I find it absolutely amazing that the assholes of this world can get away with so much. Court went OK, neither great nor really bad, but man the system wastes alot of time and money.

So the net result of today:

• The CAS closed their file yesterday (incompetent aren't they?)
• He will be allowed to spend weekends with the kids supervised by someone I approve of
• He is allowed to see them for up to 4 hrs on Wed nights unsupervised provided he goes to a public place (he is not allowed to be alone with them at home)
• He has to provide me with his financial invoices so I can see what he really makes
• He has to pay me back all money in installments before our next court date which is Oct 15.
• The assessor has confirmed that he will provide disclosure/decisioning by Sept 18 so that is just barely enough time before our next court date

So basically, nothing earth shattering. Baby steps I suppose. The real big next date is Sept 18.

The one interesting thing that I learned today is that he is living with a room mate. A female room mate. I don't really care, except that Mr. Fundamentalism who took me to court for letting the kids celebrate Halloween (a Pagan tradition) is shacking up with some chick. I mean, I'm sure it's platonic, but seriously, what happened to his Muslim beliefs now? Why should he get to pick and choose? And now he wants to take the kids to the apartment to meet his room mate? Isn't that Islamically worse than say, celebrating Halloween?

I personally don't care who he lives with. It's his life. What bugs me is the inconsistency. Mr. Fundamentalism needs to learn to be consistent, and to pick his battles. I mean he took me to COURT over HALLOWEEN for Pete's sake!

I'm so tired of this stupidity.