As much as I thought it would be really bad for me to go to the Children's Xmas party, I'm glad that I went. Although I did not like seeing some of my colleagues, it was good to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house with the children. I did get some questions about my friend's death while I was at the Christmas event, but I stuck to the party line and said that we haven't been told what the cause of death was. Thankfully, I had to keep an eye on the children, so it was easy to use them as an excuse and run after them without having to stop and talk too long with co-workers.
I realized yesterday evening that I was not handling things well at all. By 4pm, I was still in my pajamas, as were the children, I hadn't opened the blinds in the house yet, and we hadn't stepped outside. At 4pm, my daughter came and asked "Mommy, is it morning yet?" I asked what she meant and told her that soon it would be night again, and she said "But we haven't changed and there's no sunlight today...when will it be daytime?" Man- did I ever feel bad. I got us all dressed at that very moment and went outside to the mall, and to a restaurant. Anything to keep life normal for the children. Thank God for them. See how often they save ME in life? I left a bad marriage for them, and they still force me to stay in line and make the right decisions. What a gift from God.
Anyhow, we spent a good chunk of today at the party. They had a blast, and I managed to make it through. I wasn't myself, but I was out and about with the children, and that was a good enough start I think. My eyes were so swollen I couldn't wear contacts or eye makeup, so I had to go with glasses and no makeup. I know I looked a mess, but who cares. I actually ran into my friend's manager- the one who told me about the suicide. I saw her looking right at me, and it took her about 20 seconds to recognize me. (I guess the usual contact lenses and makeup make a big difference). Anyhow, I said hello, but I REALLY wasn't ready to talk, so I used the children as an excuse yet again.
After the party, I took the children to the CN Tower. I thought it would be fun. The weird thing is, there is the part right outside where the bridge to the tower crosses over the train tracks. My son wanted to stop for awhile and watch the trains. Then out of the blue, he blurted,
"Mom, hey- what if someone ever fell off a bridge? What if a train were coming? Would someone who falls off a bridge die?" Talk about the wrong question.
"Well honey, I think they might"
"Do you ever wonder what it would be like to fall off a high place?"....
"Baby, you have no clue. I've been wondering that alot lately."
What else could I say? Tell him the truth? That every bridge I drive by makes me wonder how he did it, what his last thoughts were, and how quickly he died? No, I can't say that, so let's just not talk about it at all. Next topic please. My response "Wow- look at those lights on the tower. We should go up and check them out." Distraction usually works wonders with children. Saved.
I realized something this weekend. If you say the word 'suicide' enough times, you can almost become de-sensitized to the word. I said almost. The initial horror at the thought that he could do this to himself is slowly passing. I'm still left with the hurt, the sadness, the anger. I wish he could come back to life for just a few moments so I could slap him for what he did. Just once. I know it's sick, but what the hell was he thinking?
Anyhow, I'm trying to slowly get past this, within reason. Originally, I was planning to go to work only after the funeral (which means possibly on Thursday or Friday). I thought it would be better to get closure first, and I could always work from home until the funeral. But now, I'm thinking that it might just be better to go into the office and be around people. I'm not sure that the isolation at home is doing me any good either. Especially considering that I wasn't changing my clothes or opening the blinds. Besides, I'm done the writing/blogging thing, and it's helped as much as it could. I think the rest of the healing can only happen with time.
At least I still have tomorrow to decide. I'll see how I feel by tomorrow evening. No pressure either way. I only had one meeting scheduled for Monday morning. You guessed it. A budget review session with you-know-who. Since that won't be happening, my Monday morning is all clear. If nothing else, I can go in for a half day and work from home in the morning. I'll wing it. It all depends on how tomorrow goes. If tomorrow is a better day, I can hope for things to keep getting better. If tomorrow is worse, Monday will be pretty much unpredictable.
One day at a time. Right now, all I'm trying to do is to focus on letting go. Letting go of the anger, the frustration, the guilt, the sadness. I want to get to the point where I can look back and remember the good things, and be able to acknowledge the tragedy without having it de-rail my entire life.
Like I said, one day at a time.
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