My Friend the Artist

I woke up this morning to a combination that I haven't heard very often. The sound of rain against my window, combined with the sound of lots of birds chirping outside. I'm not sure if I've ever heard the two together. I know I've woken up to one or the other, but this was odd, especially for my neighbourhood. Few trees usually means few birds. Birds and rain together is new here, unless I've just never noticed it before. Waking up to an enormous headache didn't help.

I spent last night going through old email correspondences with my friend. I remember the time he looked up the Indian word for "princess" to make me laugh on one particular occasion shortly after my separation. He was trying to say that the next guy would treat me like a princess. The word he came up with was "Rani" which is the word for "Queen". I remember how proud he was that he had found the word. I then replied teasingly and told him he was horrible, cuz he had made me older by making me a queen instead of a princess. He replied and laughed and said a queen was more fitting because my standards were too snobby to be those of a princess. I had refined to queen standards, complete with mood swings. We had a laugh, and from that day on, he stuck with the English word princess, and the Indian word Rani, interchanging them whenever he wanted to bug me.

My friend painted in his spare time. He said it calmed him, and gave him a retreat from the world around him. I found some of his paintings in my emails last night. Whenever he painted a new pic, he would email it to me to see if I liked it or not. I'm attaching two of the pics here. I figure if nothing else, they are worthy of being shared. I was always amazed at how a techie could develop such talent. He even tried to further his skills by taking art classes. I was totally impressed. He took them with his girlfriend, and the both of them would compete to see whose artwork was better. He swears hers were better. I can't comment, as I only ever got to see his work. I was just glad to see that they were both out there, having fun, and taking up a relaxing hobby together. It was good for him to get a break from life's hectic schedule. Over time, he taught me to turn off my blackberry, to take my children for a walk in the park, and to learn to slow down. Life is too short, he would tell me. Indeed it is. Now I feel like it was all a line. How could someone with such a positive outlook do such a horrible thing?

I'm finding that as time goes on, I'm feeling angrier, and guiltier. Angry that he could be so stupid, guilty that I didn't see this coming. In hindsight, he was becoming much more quiet, and talked much less. I knew he was under pressure, but I was trying to give him a little bit of space. I was still emailing and calling, but I thought I would wait and see. I wish I didn't wait.

I'm hearing that the funeral will be mid next week. That is a while away. I am at home, supposed to be working, but I can't focus on the documents in front of me. If I don't get any further by 1pm, I'm calling it a day. I've already had several phone calls this morning from other colleagues in his area. Two of them asked me if I think it was possible he could have committed suicide. I of course tried to keep things covered and said 'wow, I really hope you're wrong. Let's wait and see what the family tells us'. Even when I'm not in the office, I can't hide from it. I could try not picking up the phone, but when I see the number, I have to pick up the phone, hoping that it's someone who can give me more information. It's like the rocks in the Zen Garden all over again. You would rather not do it, but you just can't help yourself.

I just spoke to a few more people who are hearing the same suicide rumor. News travels fast. I'm glad I'm not in the office. I spoke to a family friend and she said he jumped off a bridge. I've been going crazy trying to find it in the news, but I can't find a thing. Why would anyone jump? It makes no sense at all. Which bridge? What time of day? I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason, it does. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, there is no amount of information that is going to make this go by any easier. Nothing is going to change the tragedy of his death.