I worked out of my other office today. It's the office where my friend worked. I went there to basically pick up some of the pieces which have obviously fallen through the cracks. I think I went there too early. Yes I got alot of work done, and yes, I've potentially caught many things before they went haywire, therefore saving future re-work, but I think it was too emotional, too difficult, too soon.
I felt the lump in my chest as I pulled into the parking lot. I felt it get worse as I went up the elevator. When I got inside and walked over to his desk, which was now cleaned out (my they work fast), well, I was in full tears. Great way to start the day.
Anyhow, I tried my best to stay composed. But see, many people wanted to talk to me about him, since it's the first time I saw them since his death. I didn't say much about him, just that I miss him, and that we all need to move past this. I tried my best to keep composed, but I did find it hard, since this was the major topic of the day in between all my meetings, even at my meetings. That's great. Just what I need. To look incompetent or unable to handle stress. Nice one. On the other hand, this could be me being overly sensitive. They did, after all, know better than most colleagues in my office just how close I was to him. I dunno, it's all weird.
Another weird thing, and this was by far the hardest part. I got an email from his girlfriend today. It was a really nice email, very sweet. I was in a meeting and froze when I saw it on my blackberry and saw who it was from. The subject read "the one we love". Her email was very kind, especially given we never got the chance to meet. We were supposed to meet this past Saturday. She said that she didn't see me as his coworker, but only as his friend. That he always spoke highly of me, that he was excited to introduce us to each other. She sent me recent pictures of him so that I could keep them, and asked if I would meet her for lunch this week so we could talk. I agreed. I would love to meet her. And then I opened the note. Yes, apparently there was a note. 3 in fact. One for her, and one for each of his children. the police held it until after the funeral. I think that is insanely cruel, especially since the funeral was 8 days after they found his body.
Anyhow, it was a short note, and it never exactly said why he did it, or what the final straw was, but it seems to have been the guilt. He said that he felt he needed to do this, that he couldn't hold on any longer, and that he seems to destroy everything he touches. It broke my heart to read it. I've heard him speak like that before. We don't know what his final straw was. I'm still wondering on that front.
Apparently, he didn't go home on Tuesday night. So the whole thing about going at lunchtime on Wednesday to jump the bridge isn't true. They don't know if he was in the office early Wednesday morning, but he was definitely gone before 9am. The police think he jumped around 8am. But some people at this office think they saw him really early in the morning. It's totally possible, since he starts at 6am. I'm not sure what really happened. I do know that my suspicion was right. He seems to have taken the Monday off as a vacation day to plan. His girlfriend thought he was working. The office thought he was working from home, and he told me it was a vacation day. Best way to avoid everyone. I couldn't hound him on his day off. His girlfriend couldn't hound him if he was in the office. The office didn't hound him if he was working from home. So what did he do on that Monday?
Anyhow, I'm taking this Friday as a vacation day, and it looks like I might be meeting her on Friday. I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to hear her side of what happened. Maybe it will help me make more sense of things. I think that's exactly what she is hoping to achieve as well. I have half a story and she has the other half. And so between the two of us, we my find a better, clearer picture.
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