The Funeral

I went to the funeral today. I'm glad I went, but it was harder than I expected. I think I thought I would be able to keep fully composed. I thought wrong. I don't think I would have managed through it if I didn't have my dear friend from the office there by my side. I actually (stupidly) forgot to take tissues with me, and there she was with her own little stash. God love her. She even gave my hand a little squeeze every now and then to let me know she was right there. It made me feel better. It was nice to have a shoulder to cry on...literally. I think she (and her shoulders) are both glad that I did buy the waterproof mascara.

I realized something today. As the coffin was moving past us and they were taking it outside, I realized that I can never really get true closure. I think that's what happens when someone commits suicide. You can learn to move on, you can learn to let it hurt a little less each day, to the point where it no longer consumes your mind, and then to a point where you don't think about it daily, but really- there isn't real closure, because you can never understand it. If someone were to die of a heart attack, I would eventually get closure because I would see it as God's will. This is just open ended stupidity and there are too many "what ifs". Sigh. In time, this will pass, and it won't be as prevalent and mentally consuming, but I seriously doubt I'll ever actually get closure. So I'm going to stop trying for that.

Do you ever feel like you're the only one in the world who cannot handle things well? I'm starting to feel that way. There were many office colleagues at the funeral, but they weren't as messed up as me. We're going through a re-org, but people aren't as ticked as I am (or so it seems). I have to deal with an Ex and I'm so fed up that even the small things are making me insane. Maybe I'm just someone who doesn't handle life well. The question is, when did I become this way? I thought there was a time when I was normal and stable...but I don't feel that way anymore. Then again, when I was in an abusive marriage, I delusionally thought I was normal and stable. When I left, I started to feel like I'm not. Kind of messed up actually.

Another thing is my memory. I feel like I have short term memory lapse or something. I keep forgetting things I said and remembering details and conversations inaccurately. I asked my doctor last month and he said that its just me being overwhelmed, but I don't know about that. I've noticed it for a few months now...but man- aren't I ALWAYS overwhelmed by something or another? I mean, maybe it's more a matter of how I deal with things and less a matter of the things that are coming up. I keep trying to defend myself by saying 'no, things are genuinely overwhelming'. I mean, I'm a single mom with a busy job and a psycho ex husband. This isn't exactly the norm for most people. On the other hand, it's like blah blah blah. Suck it up already and learn to deal with it. You made choices. Choices have consequences. Learn to deal with them, and stop complaining about it.

I feel like such a whiner sometimes. I'm hoping this, too, will change over time.