Some Closure

I went to the funeral home for my friend's visitation today. I'm proud of myself. I was able to stay composed. It was kind of freaky to see him like that. I've only ever been to a Muslim funeral, and it's a very different experience altogether. Firstly, not everyone gets to see the body, and secondly, we bury within 24 hours, so there is none of that preserving stuff happening. My friend didn't look like himself. He looked more like somebody else. If it hadn't been for his hair and his hands, I would barely have recognized him. He has very distinct hands with narrow, surgeon-like fingers, and I remember them well from all those meetings while he was writing stuff on the white board. All that makeup that they used today didn't help much either. I shudder to think what kind of bruising must have been under there.

I found out this morning that he jumped off the Leeside Bridge, and that he had been in the office Wednesday morning. Apparently he didn't come back after lunch, so that is when they think he jumped off the bridge. That is totally freaky. I drove under the bridge today going North on the DVP to get to the Funeral Home. I just about caused an accident because I was looking up at the bridge as I was driving under it. I remember thinking to myself that if I were up there, about to jump, and I was just about to do it, I would definitely chicken out. I have NO IDEA how someone can go through with something like that. None at all.

His family was nice. His son was identical to him. Face, demeanor, smile. I was shocked. I actually started to say "You look..." and he said "Exactly like my dad. Yes. So I'm told". I introduced myself to him, his sister, and their mother, and they all said that my friend had spoken about me often. Funny how I was so close to him, knew so much about the family, they apparently knew about me, but we never had the chance to meet. Sad that we had to meet under these circumstances. I met his parents as well. Absolutely charming people.

Anyhow, I left feeling alot better. It's unfortunate that he did this, and it's a very tragic story. But I think my mom is right. Every human's fate is written. I started to interject, and said "Well then, isn't it pre-determined? Then really, we have no say. Then really, what was the point?" And she said to be quiet before I become like those atheists with no faith. I have a certain office colleague who is laughing as he's reading this :)

Either way, I'll just accept that somehow, the universe balances itself out. That somebody somewhere will learn something profound from his death, and that the net effect somewhere will have to be good in some way. If I think any other way, I'll just go crazy. Ignorance is bliss.

Another weird thing. I started my day off with a big fight with my Ex. We argued about the kids and the Xmas schedule. It ended with me telling him that he's a jerk, and that he just proves to me over and over again that everything with him was one big gigantic mistake. There is a very good reason why he's my Ex. Because our relationship was a mistake. The further we are from each other, the better off we will be. Mean words, but hey- dense person.

Anyhow. He really did piss me off. I wouldn't normally have been that harsh. His response....send flowers to me at the office. OK...I just got FIGHT FLOWERS from my EX HUSBAND! There is NOTHING normal about that. Flowers from a boyfriend yes. A girlfriend, yes. A family member, why not? BUT an Ex husband? That is just wrong, and weird in too many ways. I did not phone him to thank him. There was no point. That would only encourage him to do it again. I chose to ignore the flowers. I can't be manipulated that easily. Sigh.

To anonymous. You were right...beware the bringer of flowers and sushi. Sigh.