I met with my friend Graham today. I love chatting with him. He's a professional therapist, so it always makes for good conversation. I always end up feeling a whole lot better when I've spoken to him. Maybe this is a sign that I'm in desperate need of therapy? :-)
He made me realize that everything I'm going through is normal. I actually told him in detail about some of the abuse and he was shocked. He didn't know it was so bad. I mean, how could he? I never told anyone.
He said that given everything I've been through, it's perfectly normal for things to unravel emotionally once the divorce proceedings have started, especially since I've never spoken about it for all these years. I think he has a point. He said that I need to pick a couple of friends that I can check in with on a regular basis and talk out everything- the abuse, the feelings, just if nothing else, then to be convinced that my feelings are normal. That almost sounds pathetic to me, although I do know where he's coming from.
Graham also thinks the vacation is a good idea, because it will get me out of my routine and let me think objectively. I don't know. Everyone has an opinion. Funny- I feel totally messed up these days, but I also feel optimistic, because I know just a few more months and I will have a clean slate. I can't wait.
As for the never ending nightmares, I'm told these are normal, since I've hidden the abuse for 10 years. Graham says that as things wind down, I'm finally able to face what happened, and remember all the details, which explains the nightmares. OK well it sounds normal in textbook terms, but it sounds pretty freakish in real life, so how do you go about explaining that? Now if I could just come to terms with the fact that my recent unraveling doesn't make me a freak, everything would be ok....
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