- It is NOT cheaper to do a birthday party at home. You end up running the same cost, and you are ready to pull your hair out as well.
- I am NOT the at-home-birthday-party kind of mom. I will not be doing it again.
- I hate making loot bags.
- I hate wrapping "pass the parcel" gifts a million times. It feels like such a waste.
- I have a headache at the thought of kids running buck wild through the house under my supervision.
Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).
Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.
I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.
Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.
The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"
When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.
This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.
Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.
As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.
No comments:
Post a Comment