An Enormous Loss

I had no idea what I was in for today. I rushed out this morning to meet my colleague for a 3 hour planning session we had scheduled. It's weird because he usually replies to my emails within minutes, and usually calls me back as soon as possible. We've worked together for 8 years now, and he is one of the closest friends I have from the office. He has helped me through my divorce, made me laugh, and saved my butt many times when I made a bad decision or said something in haste.

Yesterday, he didn't reply to any of my pages, emails, telephone calls. Yesterday I knew something was wrong, but I thought I would just discuss it with him today. Today never happened.

I came into the office grunting about how upset I was that he didn't return my emails, and didn't show for our meeting. I walked in around 10:30, only to see my good friend waiting for me to tell me the news, that being that he died last night.

I have been a wreck all day. People don't just die in their early 40's. Something happens. You don't have inexplicable deaths at that age. It doesn't add up. And losing this friend in particular, well, I don't know. The office is starting to feel really suffocating right now. First my boss, now my friend. I have two friends at the office who 100% every time without fail kept me sane. This was one of them. The other one spent her day consoling me today. Bless her. But to lose 2 out of these 3 people, well, I cannot explain how hard this is for me. He was an awesome friend.

Today was like a bad dream. I sobbed hysterically in a conference room in the office. People saw me. I feel embarrassed. Damn the corporate world. You're just not allowed to be human. Sometimes I think that I just don't belong here. Everyone was worried about me. I mean, I know they all know I was very close to this person, but not one single person other than myself was breaking down. So what's the deal? Am I the only freak? I feel....odd. Like everyone around thinks I'm made of eggshells or something. My colleagues wouldn't even let me drive home. They insisted on driving me home. I felt a bit defensive, like what did they think- that I would drive my car off a cliff or something? Then they explained that they felt it was just better if I weren't driving since I was so distracted. I can see their point, but still...

I only wanted to talk to the people who knew what my friend meant to me. Everyone else, whether close friend or not, was not allowed in my circle. I had no time for it. Oddly enough, I almost forgot about my parent teacher meeting tonight. My ex called an hour beforehand to remind me. I was crying at the time of the call. He was concerned, I told him what had happened. He knew my friend and was worried for me. He knew how close we were.

30 minutes later, he showed up at my doorsteps with a bouquet of flowers and an order of take out sushi. I was shocked, and a bit skeptical. I kept thinking 'what an opportunist'. I think he read my mind, because he said that he was definitely a crappy husband, but at least he could be a decent Ex husband. He brought the flowers for me, and the sushi because if he knew anything about me, it would be that I forgot to eat today. He was right. It was 6pm and I hadn't even had breakfast. I thanked him for the thought, and told him that I was concerned that this would come with heavy strings. He is, after all, the master of the 'give an inch take a mile' thing. He reassured me that it wasn't a ploy. I don't know that I trust him yet, but if he is telling the truth, it was a thoughtful gesture, and it came at a moment where I was feeling very alone. Only time will tell on that one.

I spent today just spinning. Remembering my last few conversations with this friend, wondering how I can possibly move on without him around. He was a very strong source of support and advice. And a dear friend. He was going to bring his girlfriend to have dinner at my place next weekend. One more week. If he had just held on.

About a week ago, I mentioned to a good friend that I have been lucky. I have never had to deal with death. Well I did once, but that was my aunt who died a few years back, and as difficult as it was to see her go, I was almost relieved when she died. She was in a horribly abusive marriage and her death meant freedom. She was better off, since she refused to leave her dog-of-a-husband, and things weren't getting better for her.

The person that I spoke to said that I should never talk about how lucky I am in that regard. You never know when something is around the corner. Just be thankful that you haven't had those experiences. But never voice it out loud...you may jinx it. Now I feel bad.

I'm waiting for the funeral, and hoping it will give me some closure. I have had an emotional month; hell, an emotional year, and I feel worn ragged. I cannot take much more of this. Everyone has a breaking point. The really sad thing is that I know a lot more about this situation than I can openly talk about at this time. You see, we were both here as each other's support, so I knew as much about his personal situation as he did about mine. Having to keep silent and not being able to speak the truth is a horrible thing. Especially now.

Back to the paper journal I go.