Straightening out the Deal

I've spend the past couple of days ironing out my never ending issues with my ex. I made the mistake in July of letting him have weekday access to the children so that he could take them for extra curricular activities like soccer. At the time, my reasoning was that it was better for the children to be involved in these activities with their dad than to be parked at some daycare waiting for me to get home for work. I thought wrong.

I keep having to re-learn past lessons. That either makes me really stupid or really trusting/naive. So here we go again. With my ex, you give an inch, he takes a mile. I knew things were getting a bit weird when my daughter indicated that she would rather spend time with me than be with her dad. I had a feeling that perhaps things weren't going that well.

Recently, it has come to my attention that my ex is basically bribing the children and pressuring them to get me to let him have even more time with him. This is outrageous. Not only am I giving him extra time in good faith, but I also at the same time have the basic trust that he won't abuse the privilege. He obviously doesn't care much for the children's emotional well being, because he's been pressuring them, harassing them, and basically telling them that he can't talk to me directly because he "hates their mother". My children asked me why their daddy hates me.

How sad. How sick. How completely unforgivable. Putting children in the middle of their parent's issues is just plain wrong, and saying bad things about the other parent is just plain mean.

So, I spent most of yesterday batting back and forth emails that basically said that he is to have no more access to the children above and beyond the court order. Ever. If he wants to see them, he can take me to court. I know it seems harsh, but the only way to keep this man in a safe place, and to protect my children is to minimize his contact with them. Even if they don't understand why I'm doing it.

Today, the children had many questions for me. Their father was kind enough to tell them that I am "cutting their time together" and that I am being "very mean" and that they should talk to me for him. We had a very nice chat together, and I basically told them that it was unfair for him to put them in that position. I asked them if they wanted to see more of their dad, reassured that it was a safe environment to speak in front of me. They admitted that they don't really like going there too much, and that they would prefer to be at home with me. I told them not to worry, that they are safe and that I'm just protecting their best interests. Should they want to see more of their dad, they are welcome to do so, but he is not allowed to pressure them into it. They seemed satisfied with that answer. Thank God my children are so easy to talk to.

I spoke to a friend today and he told me to prepare for issues with my ex over the next year. He thinks it will get worse before it gets better. He may be right. I'm learning as I go along, but I think overall, the only way for this to work is for me not to be myself. No trusting, no feeling sorry for him, no giving benefit of the doubt. Rules are rules, and that's how it will stay.

It's true...Children bring out the tigress in their moms. But man, am I ever feeling tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, for the first time, I actually almost thought that the children would have been better off if I had just stayed with my ex, so that I could always be around to protect them. That thought lasted just a few seconds. Clearly, putting myself through that misery would not have been the answer. The right answer is to develop enough of a backbone to keep this man at bay.

And just imagine, a few days ago, someone said that I'm not maternal just because I didn't want to have more children...Yah right, not maternal? Just ask my children that question.