39 and Feeling it...

Today is my 39th Birthday.  I have mixed feelings.  Next year, I hit the big 4-0.  Hard to believe.

I was so looking forward to having dinner with friends, was planning to have a diva dinner at a restaurant or something like that.  And then the pneumonia hit.  And while I'm feeling a bit better, I still can't smell anything or taste anything, and my lungs will pretty much leave on me if I dare expose them to the cold.  Besides, what's the point in eating chocolate cake on your birthday if you can't even taste it?  It's pointless.

So here I am.  Working from home.  Pondering how I let myself get this old without moving on with my life.  When I went to my doctor's a few days ago, I told him I've never been this sick before in my life.  He responded by oh-so-kindly reminding me that I am, after all, almost 40, which means my body will only have a harder time as each year comes.  Thanks for the reminder.

So here I sit, afraid to go outside (the cold wind is an enemy to my frail lungs).  I sit, and I ponder life, and I wonder if all those years of pushing myself just a little too hard to be super-mom, super-wife, super-daughter, super-friend, super-sister, and super-employee....all those years of being good to everyone except myself, have made my body super-angry to the point that it takes a fierce super-revenge on me.

Happy Birthday to me.  And a goal for next year, before I turn 40- be kinder to myself...my body at this age after all, has a mind of it's own, and for the first time ever, I am realizing that it holds the veto card.  It can trump anything- my plans, my goals, my happiness.  I need to respect my body and start to give it priority, and a bit more respect.  To be honest, I've neglected that fact that this body has been through immense trauma, both physical (oh the bruisings) and emotional- but it has stood strong and tall through everything.  And everything has a breaking point.  Fortunately, this was a small one- it, could after all, have been worse than just pneumonia.

My gift to myself- a new perspective- I will no longer push myself to continue working beyond exhaustion.  I will no longer force myself to do laundry and groceries every spare second I get.  I will not allow myself to feel guilty if I feel the need to "waste" the afternoon napping or reading a good book.  I will be in tune to what my body tells me.

It has, after all, been my most faithful companion.  But no love in this world is unconditional.  And so, my body is cashing in with a few conditions.  And it has the right to.  Lessons learned.

Happy Birthday to me...