Is he Your Boyfriend?

My son's question a few days ago about Mr. NYC. Now for those of you who know me, culturally, the whole dating thing is a major NO-NO. The word boyfriend makes my friends freak out. I avoid using the word around them out of fear of being judged. I often refer to him by his name, or as someone that I am "seeing".

I was totally shocked when my son asked me this. I kept thinking back to things I have said, wondering if I have said anything inappropriate around him. I've been very careful to describe him only as a friend. But kids can be really smart. So I asked him what made him think that Mr. NYC might be my boyfriend, and he said "You smile whenever he calls and you talk differently to him than you do to others".

Kids are too smart for their own good.

I basically responded that he is a very close friend. I was really surprised to see the disappointment on his face. I asked him what was wrong. And he responded that he was hoping I would say yes he is my boyfriend.

"But why? What would that mean?"

"It would mean you would marry him".

"You WANT me to marry him?"

"Yes"

"But why?"

And here is the kicker....."Because I want him to be my father"...

Not stepfather. He said father. I was shocked, and saddened. That is just sad in so many ways. It's sad that he has such a crappy father to begin with, it's sad that he is lacking the male role model in his life, and it's sad that he would so easily let someone step in and take that role. I mean, not entirely bad from a moving on perspective for me, whenever or IF ever I am ready for that, but really, yeah, it's just sad.

As hard as I try, and as much as I think I am a decent parent, I can never fill the void of both a mother and father. It's just a shame that he has the dad that he has. Any other man and this divorce could have been easier on my son.

But this is the challenge I am given, and these are the cards I have been dealt. And so, I keep moving forward, trying to make the best of it, doing the best I can, with whatever resources I have available to me. Let's hope it all works out for the best where the children are concerned. We will only know the real impacts of this when they get older, like in their teenage years.

Either way, I keep trying, and praying. The rest is out of my hands.