I wonder why these are coming back so vividly. This is messed up. I haven't had the "abuse" flashbacks for over a year I think. Now, all of a sudden, they just creep up on me. Honestly, just when you think you are going to manage, things go all weird. Not that it's messing me up or anything. I don't think the flashbacks are derailing my life. And, they aren't as terrifying as they once were. They are just more like memories now...just bad ones I guess.
I was talking with the children's therapist today and well, she asked what I was so afraid of. Not that she didn't think that my ex is a freak. I mean, I'm pretty sure she knows how messed up he is, the kids do after all, tell her everything. I just think that she wanted to know how badly he had hurt me when we were together. Perhaps it was for context, perhaps it was to better understand why I am so deathly afraid to have him around the children. Then she asked me if he ever hit me in a cruel malicious way, meaning where there was more than just a loss of temper...and then I remembered it again.
It's not that I haven't remembered this instance before, because I have. In fact, I think I've told it to one other person, and I think it was my office friend. I have remembered this very instance about two or three times before, but this time, sitting in her office, it was just more intense.
It was about a couple of years after we were married. We lived together in a small basement apartment. One night, as we were getting ready for bed, we had a small argument. I remember it well, because he became angrier and angrier as we argued. I remember telling him to cool down, that it was just a small argument, and I remember him telling me to "shut up" and to shut my mouth. I remember him turning around and out of the blue just punching me in the face. I was wearing glasses. He hit me in the eye. The glass broke, and all of a sudden, I couldn't see from that eye. I remember crying and saying that I was blind in that eye, that I couldn't see, and that I needed to get to a doctor. He told me to shut up and to stop faking it. I told him to listen to me, that I needed a doctor. He refused to help me. Somewhere deep inside, I got enough courage to tell him that if he didn't get me to a hospital, I would call my father, and that if I did that, my dad would come over and kick his ass first, and then take me to a hospital. Of course, that pissed him off. He told me that I was mouthy, he then took my glasses off my face, broke them into two pieces, and threw them across the room. He then went to the fusebox, took out all the fuses, so the place went dark. He put them in his pocket, took all the keys to the house and left. Just before shutting the door behind him, he yelled out "You wanna see blind? NOW you know what it feels like to be blind". And he slammed the door.
I spent that entire night crying in a corner of the room. He didn't come home that night. I was only 22 years old then. It was dark, I couldn't see without my glasses, and the cordless telephones didn't work without the power. It was around midnight, so I couldn't exactly wake the neighbours. And with my negative 7 vision (colours blend when I'm not wearing glasses), I couldn't exactly go out on the street looking for a payphone, so I was stuck in the house. Alone.
Many moons later (today), I still remember that night. I remember how I felt. I remember his cruelty. I remember that he didn't care. This is the same man who has joint custody of my children. There is NO justice in this world.
I think the biggest thing I fear is his mean side. I mean, this isn't a man who just loses his temper. He has a really really malicious mean streak. He is the type of guy who would not just hurt, but torture. Most people aren't like that. It's not normal for a human to think that way. I fear the day when one of my children stands up/mouths off to him. That will be the day that he takes all his temper out on them. He will freak out on them like he did on me. All I can do is prepare them. Did you think it was a coincidence that I have my children enrolled in Martial Arts classes? I want them both to be blackbelts one day. Then they can protect themselves in ways that I couldn't protect myself. A good mother learns from her mistakes. A good mother teaches her children how to learn from them as well.
Like I said before, I am doing EVERYTHING I can to protect my children. The last three years of my life has been dedicated to it so far. I'll be damned if I let him win. I will not let my children go through what I went through. And if somehow he gets to me and does something to me before I get to see him in court, well, we have my will, this blog, and a trail of therapy notes to help the children...And that ladies and gentlemen is why a woman should never stay silent. I finally get it. My children can only save themselves if they speak out against their dad. I can only save them if I do the same.
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