I haven't made an entry in almost a week. I think I needed the space to think. Two weekends ago, the same weekend when my ex told me that he had started the divorce process, I was a mess. The weekend was a really difficult one for me. But then, to top things off, I had this very weird conversation with my ex on the Sunday night, just two days later.
He asked me if this is what I wanted. He asked me if I really wanted the divorce. He explained that if I wanted to change my mind, I could, and he could call off the divorce papers. This really bothered me. I had spent the entire weekend crying to the point where I couldn't keep my eyes open, they were burning so badly, and just 48 hours later, he came back to see if his little game had worked. This was too much for me.
It reminded me of all the times in our marriage he had manipulated me. It reminded me of all the nights I cried wishing I could get away, and made me realize that now I had. It reminded me of how naive I can often be, taking everything at face value, when often, some people just play games with me. I can be such a sucker at times. I play this tough girl act at work, but really, sometimes I think I have no backbone. As independent and strong headed I can be at work, I feel like a complete jellyfish in my personal life. And that is why I keep getting walked over. That is why I allowed myself to be in a mess of a marriage for much too long. That is why I didn't have the guts to leave until he almost choked my child. That is why I have no confidence in myself when it comes to things like how I look, or how I am as a person. I know full well who I am as an employee, as a friend, as a mother, as a daughter. I just sometimes don't know it all with confidence.
We talked for 3 hours that night. We both cried, we talked, and cried some more... but in this conversation, I noticed a change. Underneath everything, I could see it coming. I could hear my voice. All I heard was "for the love of GOD, make sure he files the papers, or you'll never be free". I ended that conversation telling him that I did love him, and that part of me always will, but that he's done some very vicious things to me, and that I haven't forgiven him, and that while I hope I will, I don't believe I can ever trust again. Trust is the basis for marriage, and so, without trust, there is nothing left here. I ended that call by saying "no, please don't put the paperwork on hold. File the papers. I'll pay half". And then I said good-night.
I'm still feeling a little sad, but I know where it's coming from. The end of my first love- the relationship with my high school sweetheart who I met at the tender age of 14. The end of my bond with the father of my children. The end of my innocence.
No matter where I go from here, life will be different. Unfortunately, in some ways, this entire experience has jarred me. In other ways, it's made me wiser. I don't know if I'll ever trust again, but I'm hoping that I will. I do know this; ALL relationships (friendships or other) from this point on will be somewhat cautious. That's the only way I can protect myself. No more blind faith in people. No more being naive. It's true- we should all trust in God. But we should also all use our logic, good judgment, and take all necessary precautions first. Then leave the rest to Him. No more blind faith. Not in anything.
So here I am. I'm feeling better. I think I'm content with being alone. I don't feel all hell bent on meeting anyone else right now. Whatever life brings me should be just fine. But at least whatever I have will be on my own terms.
No more waking up to a different personality in the morning. No more long hours at work to avoid coming home. No more fears around his spending or how he is with the kids. No more bruises or black eyes, and now, with the upcoming divorce, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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