Saying Goodbye to Dr. Clive

My good friends know how special Dr. Clive was in our lives.  I wrote about him in an earlier post.  He was our MD.  I met him when I was 2 years old, 38 years ago, and he has been with our family for the entire 38 years.  While our relationship with him was strictly professional, and he was a very serious professional (he maintained confidentiality at all times, never stepped outside of proper medical practice, never misrepresented anything), I can honestly say that I would never have made it this far without him.  He is the person who held me up.  When I was married and went in with the bruises on my face, he documented them, despite my begging him not to.  I was so afraid that my then-husband would find out that I had a paper trail on the bruises, I begged him not to write anything down.  He told me as a professional he had to, and he told me I would thank him later.  And I did.  He had so much wisdom.

He watched my life unfold.  He was there when I started kinder-garden, when I moved on through school into high school.  He was there when I first met my ex.  He watched me get married, have children, go through my divorce, and he encouraged me as I struggled through rebuilding my life.  He is the MD for my children, my grandparents, my parents, uncles, aunts, siblings.  He counseled me.  He let me cry on his shoulder for half an hour at a time and never rushed me.  He gave me a hug every time I left his office and he reassured me that I would get through this, that I am a strong girl, that I am a great mother, and that one day, I would learn to love and trust again.  And even during my many rants about how horrible my ex was, he would remind me that yes horrible things happened to me, and yes, he was not right for me, but that mental illness is not that clear cut and that while I shouldn't spend my life with an abusive man, and while I should continue to protect my children, I should still always wish well for my ex, because some of this is his mental illness acting out.  What a kind, patient, and loving human being.

A week and a half ago, Dr. Clive passed away unexpectedly.  He had a heart attack.  I found out the day after the  funeral, and I have been devastated ever since.  I haven't told the children, I couldn't do it, because they absolutely adore him.  And for me, this leaves a massive void.  You see, yes he was a professional, and yes it was a professional relationship.  But Dr. Clive was an honest man, a good man, and despite everything, he still demonstrated the incredible ability to act honorably.

Most of all- he gave me hope that there could be a few good men left in the world.   That not all men hurt people and break hearts.  That not all men are driven by greed.   I haven't met many great men, I can probably only name a handful of them, but he definitely was one, and that itself was inspiring.

I started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago.  And on the night that I heard of his passing, at first, I had no desire to write in it.  I felt miserable. I cried for days.  I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach.  And then I forced myself to do it, if nothing else, to honor the man that gave me so much guidance and perspective in life.  And the things I was thankful for that night were:

1.  That I was blessed enough to know such an honorable, honest man, and to have him in our lives for 38 years.
2. That Dr. Clive was able to help me and my children in such a profound way- while he felt bad for my ex's mental situation, he took the responsibility of writing to the courts and informing them of how dangerous he was towards me and the children.
3. That I was able to make it through my most difficult years because of the support of people like Dr. Clive and other professionals.
4. That God loved me and blessed me with support.  He did not leave me on my own.

Goodbye Dr. Clive.  We love you.  And we hope you are in a better place.  God Bless.