Well this is a weird space to be in. I've spent a whole year and a half telling myself that I am ok, that I've learned from my past, and that I will never let history repeat itself. Lying in that hospital bed in March 2004, I swore that I would never let myself be there again, that I would never let stress take over, and that my body would never again feel the impact of my lifestyle. And just two weeks ago, I had myself convinced that I was doing better, that I was living stress free and that I had finally managed to get things under control. I was happy and hopeful, and then my body defied me once again. Told me that I'm wrong, that I still haven't slowed down, that I still need to work on this.
I'm feeling a bit defeated...I mean I thought I was on the right track, I thought I had reached a point where I was very conscious of slowing down and taking it easy, but apparently, I was wrong. Apparently I was just as delusional as I was when I was being CT scanned in the hospital March 2004, 20 minutes after being ambulanced in, telling the doctors that I was NOT stressed out. Not stressed, yet I was in a miserable marriage, contemplating divorce, financial pressures were nuts, and I had been working about 15 hours a day on a 13 month project (I kid you not). Delusional. Completely delusional. Yet, two days ago, I sat scrunched over in the chair in my doctors office begging him to help the ulcer pain. We've been working on this ulcer for months, and now its gotten really bad. I mean, high levels of bleeding bad. Where the hell did I go wrong? Dr. Clive asked me about stress levels, and I assured him that everything was good. But then he got annoyed (and he NEVER gets irritated with me). He said something along the lines of "lets see- You've moved into a new house in July, you're dealing with the children almost full time, your bi-polar ex who won't leave you alone moved a minute walk from your house, and you've started working extended hours to manage your workload at the office. Oh yeah, of course, this can't be stress related. When will you open your eyes?"
I wanted to cry. I mean, I REALLY believed that I wasn't stressed. I told my good friend this story today and she basically said "you're surprised? This is your cycle...You think you're superwoman, you tell yourself you're ok, your body reacts or shuts down and you slow down for a bit..."
Well, yes, now that you put it that way, I guess it is my cycle. But I REALLY thought this time was different. I was actually proud of myself. So now, well....What now? What else can I possibly change? Turn off the blackberry more? Sure- let's evaluate that- hmmm I'm a single mom and the sole breadwinner for this home. Yeah, screwing up at work is a fabulous idea. What other ideas? Go to bed early? Yes, I suppose the lunch fairy will come over and pack my son's lunch. Get to work early? Sure- you get these kids out of bed in the morning. No luck there. So what now?
I cannot explain the intense frustration. I'm lying here unable to move cuz of this freakin pain, and I'm lost, cuz I really believed this time I was different. I'm going to go and re-read Gabor Mate's book "when the body says no"...Maybe that will knock some sense back into me. My friend is right. This is my cycle...But I really wish it wasn't. And while I will not let go of the fact that I have made significant changes over the past year and a half, perhaps I need to accept the fact that there is still quite a long road ahead, quite alot of work to be done, and quite alot of things I still need to learn and evaluate. I'm going to accept this as a gift from God, as another wake up call, just like the hospital visit in March 2004. Time to re-evaluate. Time to reprioritize, time to focus on ME.
2 comments:
You want my advice? Turn off the blackberry for a night. Better yet, leave it in your desk when you go home, and don't take your laptop home either. No paper copies of anything, no checking voicemail, no work of any kind. Just one night, then go to work the next morning and see what happens.
Much to your surprise the world will not have self-destructed. The company will still be operational and may even turn a profit. Your team will not have quit. Your boss will not have fired you. In fact, I've got $5 here that says *no one will even notice*.
Look, I'm not trying to diminish your worth to the company. It's just that you work harder than pretty much anyone else, so if you scale it back to "hard' work instead of "crazy unsustainable" work, no one's going to think less of you.
I'm telling you this because my boss told me the same thing 5 years ago. I was trying to deal with personal stuff by burying myself in work, but all it did was put me in this spin. I was trying to fix everything at once but I couldn't; he gave me a kick in the ass and forced me to deal with one thing at a time.
It worked.
I love you Dan. You always make me feel better. And to be honest, I was starting to think along the lines you've suggested. I mean, the reality is, I could delegate more, I just worry that someone will drop the ball if I do. And you're right, I could turn off the blackberry- although I've never been able to do that.
And I know you're not trying to diminish my self worth. But you're right. When I was in the hospital back in 2004, my boss picked up everything for me. He basically delegated it all away, and all the "extra" stuff I do was just shelved, cuz after all, its not essential. That's the stuff that tells them I go the extra mile, but its nowhere in my job description. When they did this, at first, I was disappointed...felt like I wasn't needed. And then I was relieved. The worst thing anyone can do to themselves is gage their success from the office, because at the end of the day, we're all replaceable. I know that. Sadly, I had snuck my blackberry into the hospital and was actively replying to messages until my sister brought in the most recent issue of Oprah, focused on happiness and slowing down. That magazine changed my life. I parked the blackberry, and made the decision to leave this marriage as well as to NOT apply for a promotion, as the company was going through a re-organization at that time.
I'm going to try your advice. Thanks for the suggestion. If it helps this ulcer, I'm buying you lunch. :-)
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