Becoming Someone Else

How does one move on from a difficult life experience? By becoming someone else.

When you experience something truly traumatic, something that totally paralyzes you, it is almost impossible to remain who you are and to move on. These types of experiences fundamentally change who you are. They have to. That's the only way to make it through them, to get past them. This realization just hit me recently.

I was debating with a close friend. He had a hard time understanding how someone like me (tough, independent, strong willed) could ever allow a man to treat me the way my ex treated me. I kept explaining that I am different today. He asked when I changed. I thought about it, and realized the answer. I changed the day I left him. I had to. Because the girl who stuck around for 11 years had to be left behind completely for me to be able to start a new life. I had to very deliberately leave her behind, and that is exactly what I did. And I had to promise that I would not let her come back.

So to those that have a hard time understanding how I got though it, you need to first understand that I had to let go of who I was. I had to let go of the wishful, dreamy, overly dedicated, naive and somewhat pathetic girl. I had to develop thick skin. I had to think more about myself and my children. I almost had to become the opposite of who I was.

I basically had to create a new me.

And I'm still creating her. Something tells me I won't ever finish. And I'm really OK with that. I am sort of enjoying the discovery process, enjoying learning about myself. Over the past 5 years, I've learned about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned that I make a lot of mistakes. I screw up sometimes. But I am sincere. I don't try deliberately to hurt those around me. I've learned that I have an incredible ability to forgive. (Even if I haven't quite developed the ability to forget). But that's OK. Overall, I don't mind the person I've become. I kind of like her. I just wish I found her a bit sooner. 11 years was a long time to wait to meet her.

But it's better late than never. And so as I look forward to the future, I wonder what else I will learn about myself, what other strengths I have that I didn't see before.

And I say goodbye to the other girl that I left behind. I thank her for helping me build a foundation, for giving me the opportunity to change, and for not insisting on traveling the remainder of the journey with me.

And I thank God. For the experiences, for the strengths, and for not letting me fall as hard as I could have.