Another 2 Days with Mr. NYC

I spent another 2 days with him this week. He came down to see me and I took a couple of days off. The kids got to see him yesterday evening and they were thrilled. A bit calmer than last time thank God. (Last time, 2 weeks ago, my daughter went running up to him, jumped in his lap and asked him "Can you please be my stepfather?"). Talk about embarrassing moments. I was flustered, he was flustered, but thankfully he was a quick thinker. "You would be an awesome stepdaughter for anyone". Good answer. Nice and safe. Phew.

Anyhow, we spent most of our time catching up, so it was nice. I never get to take a break so that was nice too.

Today, I got a call from the CAS. Apparently, they want to move my ex to unsupervised visits. I was ticked. I mean, it was just a week ago that the worker told me they would monitor him in a semi-supervised environment for another month. Then she calls me today and tells me her supervisor wants her to move to 2 hours unsupervised community visits, meaning he can take them out to a public place. I am terrified.

I argued with her, told her that she needed to protect my children better. Her response was that he would eventually get to see them unsupervised again, so we need to test the waters now. Supervised visits is only ever a temporary solution, to protect the children during an interim period (like waiting for a court date). The supervised access has been going well and the reports are all positive. (Well, DUH. That's the point. That's why he is supervised!) Anyhow, she felt it was time to move him to unsupervised for 2 hours. I argued and I lost. I was pissed. Her answer to me is that if he is really a threat and he fails at this, they will move him back to supervised access. I am still doubtful.

I spoke to Mr. NYC when I got off the phone (I'm glad he was here in person), and naturally, me being myself, I was all angry and hyper. Naturally, he being himself, he was calm, patient, and he calmed me down. He reminded me that this is the children's biological father, and by law, he would have a right to his children, and I can't stop that. The real question is how much access will he have, and what type of access will it be? That is what I will find out in court. He reminded me that I need to let this go down it's path and understand that the CAS can't protect them forever. This is my job, and I go to court in July. And 2 hrs in a public place is not the end of the world. He had that before. He never hurt them in public, so they are still hopefully going to be safe.

Maybe Mr. NYC is right. And if he is wrong, I will be here to protect my children. My ex is not capable of change, so it is just a matter of time before he shows the world (again) what he really is. This time, maybe the courts will listen.

This is so bloody stressful.

What Kind of Chicken is This?

GOD. My daughter's drama continues. I honestly think I'M going to cave and just let her be a freaking vegetarian. It's what she wants.

I made chicken satay for dinner tonight. I thought I could get away with the bone free chicken (no I did not think about what happened last time). Anyhow, I figured with a stick instead of a bone she might think it's fun. WRONG.

She ate the grilled veggies and then I brought out the chicken. She looked down at the plate and politely asked me to take off the sticks. "But why honey? I thought you liked to eat off the sticks".

"So I can poke it and make sure there is no more chicken blood. That's what we are eating right? Chicken Blood".

I didn't respond. Then I told her she had no choice. Please just be grateful for what you have and eat your dinner.

She took a bite. Then she asked "So mommy- what kind of chicken is this anyways?"

"Pardon?"

"You know, is it a rooster, or a mommy chicken that laid eggs?"

My jaw dropped.

I feel sick now. Gross.

Long Weekend, Last Minute Plans

We did a lot of last minute things this weekend. It was fun, and I think the kids enjoyed it. We made a last minute plan on Saturday night to stay over at a girlfriend's house. She is also a single mom of two children. I think the children feel more comfortable there, because she is a single mom. I guess it makes them feel a bit more normal to know that there are other children in their group of friends going through the same thing. They had a good time, so that makes me happy. My girlfriend and I pajama partied until 4:30 am, but we paid for it when the kids woke up at 7:30 ish. I was exhausted. Then on Sunday night, we went to Richard's birthday party. I woke up brutally exhausted today.

I was supposed to take the kids to Ontario Place today, but it was only 8 degrees, a bit too cold for my liking. We decided to hang out at home. I think it's for the best, because my daughter has her first soccer game tonight, so she will be ready for that. And, it gave me a chance to pack lunches and do dinner prep-work for the upcoming week.

I feel a bit more prepared now.

Now all I have to do is catch up on some office work, and take my baby to soccer. All in all, I think the weekend went well.

I did however, have one de-railing moment. I just found out my ex is working for the same company as me. Since around Feb. I can't believe it. A million places to work and the deadbeat comes here. I just don't get it.

For now, I'm just going to ignore it. This is my turf. It has been for 16 years. It's not like he can harm me here, I know how to take care of myself. I just don't want him TRYING to harass me.

Then again, if he has been here for a few months and I haven't seen/heard from him, I guess I should be OK...

A Future Vegetarian

Lately, my daughter has been totally turned off from meat. She actually has been refusing to eat meat, preferring vegetarian dishes. The problem is, most vegetarian dishes contain empty carbs such as rice, pasta and bread. When she asks to eat "just plain white rice" or "just pasta with sauce" I worry about her health. I'm trying to get protein into her as much as possible. I feed her Pediasure shakes to get the vitamins in.

All of this is stemming from her love of animals. She just cannot bear the thought that she is eating something that was once alive.

Yesterday we went out for dinner. I got my daughter an order of chicken nuggets and fries. Chicken nuggets because they don't have a bone, so she won't be reminded of what she is eating. Halfway through the meal, she stopped eating, and exclaimed with a look of horror:

"OH MY GOD MOMMY! Is a chicken nugget made of CHICKEN?!"

I tried to ignore the question, and my son answered "What else did you think it was?"

"OH MY GOD MOMMY! What do they do? They like catch a chicken, take off his feathers, fry him up and just eat him?! THAT IS SO SICK!"

And then she stopped eating. And to be honest, what she said made me feel a little disgusted too.

Sigh. You can never fool a child.

A Visit from Mr. NYC

I spent a nice 2 days with Mr. NYC. He came to town, we hung out, and we took care of some legal matters with respect to the assessment. I'm tired now, as it has been a hectic and emotionally draining two days. I am so glad he was here with me.

I learned yet another thing about Mr. NYC. I always knew he was a patient man. However, I don't think even I knew just how patient he really is. And it took a mishap for me to find out. When we were on the way to the airport, I made us late. I wanted to go for dinner with the children. He kept saying that he would run late, miss his flight, but I insisted we had enough time. For some reason, I kept thinking his flight left at 8:45, but it left at 8:15. Turns out that he was right- on two counts. We were running late, and he did miss his flight. And it was all my fault. I apologized profusely, but in the end, it was a massive inconvenience for him. He had to catch an alternate flight to Newark instead of Laguardia, and then take a train to Manhattan, and then a cab to his car at Laguardia. The main point of this is not about my stupidity, but the fact that he was so awesome about it. Not once did he get mad, not once did he blame me. All he said is that it is not my fault, I didn't mean for this to happen and that blame and guilt are just not useful emotions, so we won't allow ourselves to feel either. Be happy he said. We are healthy, well, and we got to see each other. Just be happy.

Honestly, it is things like this that make me amazed at how awesome a person he is, and make me realize how lucky I am to be around him. In my past life, my ex would have lost it on me. I would have been called a host of names, none of which I care to write, and he would have yelled at my and shown me his temper for days if not weeks. It is absolutely amazing how different these two men are from one another. And it is shocking to me that I spent 15 years thinking all men would behave in a similar manner when something frustrating comes about. Thank God I am free.

No matter where life takes me, and where ever this relationship goes, I am truly glad to have met Mr. NYC, to have learned from him, and to have had him in my life. Every experience in my life, both good and bad have contributed to who I am. If nothing else, Mr. NYC is teaching me patience, hope, and the ability to love.

Mother's Day 2008

Today actually turned out to be pretty much a regular Sunday. I woke up to something cute. My son and daughter ran in to wish me a happy mother's day. When I came downstairs they said they had made me breakfast. On the table was sitting a bowl of my high protein cereal, with the milk already in it. To be honest, judging by the sogginess, I think they woke up and "made" my breakfast first thing, probably about an hour before they woke me up. It looked disgusting, it tasted disgusting, but I didn't have the heart to tell them. I just smiled and ate it and thanked them profusely for the thoughtful gesture.

It was, after all, such a touching gesture. I mean, firstly, they must have gone downstairs early to surprise me. Then, they must have waited as long as they could so they wouldn't wake me and I could get extra sleep. Then, when they couldn't contain themselves anymore, they came to wake me up. Sweet, isn't it? They are such little angels.

My daughter made me a pink bracelet at school. It actually turned out very nice, and I wore it all day. She was thrilled. After breakfast, I took the kids to see their dad, and I went to the gym. Then we went to the mall, got some sugar free chocolates, some roses and some stuff from the body shop and went to visit my mom. All in all, it was OK. I was tempted to buy myself some Mother's Day flowers, but decided not to. Next time maybe :)

School Volunteer

In February, my son came home from a school trip and asked me if I could volunteer for the next school trip. He was so excited and he said "Mommy- other parents come, and I want you there. I have the BEST mom in the world and I want all my friends to meet you".

I know the days of thinking his mom is cool are almost over, so I didn't want to miss this one window of opportunity where my son actually wants to show me off to his friends. I asked the office if I could volunteer for the next school trip. They told me to get a criminal record check done and bring it in. I was actually impressed to learn that this was a requirement. It means that the freaks of the world cannot be around my child in the day. Not bad at all. So I went to the police station back in February and requested the check. It was completed just last week.

My son has another school trip coming up on May 23rd. So if the school board can vet the criminal record check before then, I will get to go along with him to Black Creek Pioneer Village. He is so excited he can barely contain himself.

This morning, I dropped into the school to give them a copy of the check before I send it off to the school board. The secretary smiled and asked if I really wanted to go on the trip. "I mean, you will take a vacation day from work to babysit 25 kids, and you are a single mom with no time for yourself. Are you SURE you want to do that?"

I explained to her that while she is right that I never get a break for myself, I just cannot give up the opportunity to take my little boy on one class trip in his lifetime. Just this once. Who knows- when he reaches high school, he might be the one begging me to park my car 4 blocks away so he doesn't get embarrassed by his mom in front of his friends. I truly hope that day never comes, but it is always a very real possibility.

I guess one of the downfalls of being a single mom is the guilt. You never feel like you have done enough. You always wish you had more time. You feel bad that you can't bake for the bake sales (that you BUY the cakes like I do), or you feel bad that you cannot pick them up from school every day (that's why I love work from home Fridays!), or that you have to spend time disciplining and doing homework while balancing laundry, housework, packing lunches etc.

Single moms are always wishing we could have the capacity of two people, because we have to spread ourselves thin being both a mother and a father. As a result, we sometimes have to miss out on the little things like school trips, even when we wish we didn't have to. My son has been in Montessori since he was 18 months old. And I have never been on a school trip.

So I'm really hoping I can go to this one. Despite the "work" involved, I will happily take my son on the trip. Let's just hope the school board clears the check in time.

I love being a mom to my children. They make my life complete. Busy, yes. Hectic, yes. Sometimes even insane. But I love being their mom. And I truly do have awesome kids.

Deadbeat Dad

All of this recent financial mess has got me thinking about the drama that is my life. My ex is such a total deadbeat dad, he is as bad as they come. Not only is he not paying his share of the children's therapy, the children's extra curricular activities, and the assessment, but he has reduced his childcare payments unilaterally without any notice. He is the ultimate deadbeat dad.

Really- it upsets me. The guy makes tons of money, but he is infinitely selfish. The one sign that there is a God- the more he attempts to screw me over, the worse his finances become. Take a look at things- when he was paying his full payments with no arguments, he was also doing well. When he started to screw me over, his debt increased. And now, even though he makes more than I do, he is financially worse off. I attribute that to him not paying his dues and owning up to his financial responsibilities. What goes around comes around, and rightly so.

On other fronts, Fatima (my ex's second ex wife) had her meeting with the assessor. I'm trusting that went well yesterday. I mean, at the end of the day, her story is the mirror image of mine. If that is not creepy I'm not sure what else is.

And another thing. I was talking to the children's therapist on Saturday when we were last there, and she has advised me that she doesn't think that my ex is bipolar. She is almost positive he is a sociopath. That is even worse. More for me to worry about. (For those of you who don't know, a sociopath is basically a psychotic person without a conscience. Sounds accurate, but at the same time, it is very scary).

The silver lining- thank God I'm rid of him. As hard as things are now, they would have been worse had I stayed with him. There is always the positive to every story. Mine is that I am almost free.

Mr. NYC to the Rescue

Thank God for him. I would have been lost without him.

There are some moments in life where you just know that someone would go the extra mile for you. This is one of those moments.

I spent days stressing madly about what to do, despite Mr. NYC's constant reassurances that I should not worry, that it will be OK. And on Sunday, within hours of his arrival to NYC from his business trip overseas, I heard the words that I will never forget.

"I will not lose you. And especially not for money, and not for $12,000. We will find a way".

I am truly grateful to have found someone decent the second time through. I am touched by his care and at the same time, moved and honored that he loves me this much. If nothing else, I can move on knowing that not all guys are bad to women, that there are some that are loving and caring, and that I am blessed to have found one of those. No matter how long he will be in my life, I am grateful to have known him. And if this remains long term, I am even more grateful. But if things don't go our way, I can honestly say that my life is better having met Mr. NYC, that I truly did learn alot from this relationship.

It's been nice knowing that for once in my life, I was loved by someone.

And no, this is not about money. It's about the gesture, the protectiveness, the genuine care. The thought that when the chips fell, I was a priority, and he would put himself out for me. Imagine that...

Just When you Start to Feel a Little Optimistic...

Your world comes crashing down on you. I had such a crappy day. I was supposed to be at an offsite meeting all day today. Normally that would have been a good thing. Today, just as I entered the hotel where we had our offsite, I get a call from my lawyer's office. It de-railed my day. I was an emotional mess, and I just couldn't control the tears. So I left early and went home, despite the fact that my boss and his Senior Leadership team had dinner plans tonight, and despite the fact that I had made complete arrangements for the children for the evening.

He spends loads of cash on himself, manic as he is. I mean, he just (like a month ago) moved out of his basement apartment into a lakeside condo downtown Toronto. I just found out from a real estate agent friend that the rental is $2200 per month. His car costs him $850 per month. It's not like he is living a tight lifestyle. He is living very lavishly.

But for those of you who have been watching this unfold over a few months, you know that the assessment is 6 weeks away from completion. 6 weeks and my ex is about to be busted for all his lies. I'm sure he knows this now.

So, what can a guy do when he is going through the middle of a court ordered assessment with an assessor of his choice and he realizes that things don't look good for him?

He refuses to pay the assessor. That's right. My gem of an ex husband owes the assessor $7500. Until he pays, the assessor refuses to finish the assessment. My ex claims he just doesn't have the money, and that he is broke (what- he couldn't think about that a month ago when he moved into the Lakeside property?!). I have to admit, that was smart of him. Evil, but smart. There was no other way for him to stop this thing. This must have been his plan for a few weeks now. In hindsight, I should have known he might pull something like this when the deadbeat reduced his child support payments without any reason at all, except apparently to give me a hard time and make me suffer financially.

I smell a rat. Better yet, I smell an asshole.

So here is where we stand. The court has demanded an assessment. Without it, they won't be able to change the current custody situation, which means it could remain as joint custody. The assessor needs $7500 from my ex and also my final payment which is around $3500. So that makes $11,000.

My ex claims he doesn't have the money. So if we don't finish the assessment, I've lost over 30k in legal fees for nothing. In order to finish the assessment, someone has to dish out $11,000. And he is refusing to do it. Looks like they are thinking that "somebody" has to be me.

Like I have that much kicking around?!

What a bullshit legal system. So either I pay his share, or I am SOL. The kicker- I don't have the cash to pay his share.

Some people are just a waste of oxygen.

I keep telling myself to have faith. That this will all work out for the best. It's getting harder to believe, but I haven't lost hope yet. Bad things just can't keep happening to good people. There has to be a breaking point...

The Truth Comes out, if Even in Baby Steps

I saw Dr. Clive today. I actually went to treat a burn on my hand (don't ask, it's a stupid cooking burn). Dr. Clive is my inspiration and has kept me going in so many ways. Recall that Dr. Clive is my MD since I was about 3 years old. Whenever I see him, I feel content. He knows me, understands me, and believes in me. Most of all, whenever I see him, he tells me how lucky the children are to have me as a mother. That is absolutely touching. I spend so much time trying to protect my children that sometimes I forget that I am indeed a good mother. Thank God for him.

He has watched the drama of my life unfold, since I was 3 years old. Today, he told me that he wrote a letter to the assessor. Because my ex had to consent to releasing information, he was able to document details. Like my black eye when I was 8 months pregnant. Like my ex's mental illness. Like the abuse on the children. Thank God. It is all coming out.

I can almost feel the emotional freedom. I have physical freedom- no more bruises, no more black eyes. The nightmares have stopped and I fully trust the alarm system in my home. I don't even fear that my ex is stalking me anymore. I haven't found him outside my home or office. I feel semi-normal.

The only piece left is the emotional freedom. Freedom that I've told my story. Freedom that I've done my best. Freedom that he can't come after me ever again.

Either way- whether I win the case or lose it (the next court date is in July, the assessment will be complete in June), I will win something. I will be fully able to move on. My story will be told. the truth has been coming out piece by piece through the assessment. The assessment was meant to happen. I'm glad it's happening.

As emotional as it is, as draining as it is, this will all be for the best. I just know it.

What the?

I live in the twilight zone. NO - HE lives in the Twilight zone. You have to see the latest email exchange. This is too nutty not to share...


My email to him (he has the children's bikes, I wanted them back):

Hello- The children have been asking to ride their bikes. I think it might be better if we could arrange for their bikes to stay with us at my home, since they would at least get some use and the children can ride them regularly.

Could you please bring their bikes with you on Saturday to the CAS? I can get them from you at the Centre.

Thank you.


His response:

I can Not possibly understand why you would involve me in your personal household affairs? If you need to obtain bicycles for the children, why do I need to know about it? I suggest that you manage your own household affairs without involving me. I certainly do Not burden you with managing my household issues. I manage my own affairs, including as it relates to the children when they are in my household. Likewise, it is None of your concern how I manage my household as this is my private life. I will remind you that we are Not married anymore and I am Not your husband. It is Not my concern what you provide or do Not provide for the children. My only concern is for the safety and well-being of the children. Beyond that, it is your choice to provide or Not to provide bicycles for the children in your household… as long as the bicycles meet appropriate safety standards and do Not injure the children from being either too large or too small. It is completely up to you how and where you get bicycles from… do Not involve me.

Perhaps you should re-evaluate your circular thinking and adopt a linear thought pattern where you realize that we are Not together anymore.

WHAT THE HELL? It's like I say I need the bikes and he says "There are butterflies in the sky". I don't get it. Oh and by the way dude, I TOTALLY get that we are not together. That's just what I've been fighting for 4 years to get through your head!

My response:

I am shocked by your email. I simply asked if you had the children's bicycles. I would remind you that in our separation agreement we had agreed that the children's possessions belonged with the children, meaning wherever they were staying.

Last summer, we even sent rollerblades back and forth so they could rollerblade with both parents depending on who they were with. The bikes were originally with me, and then we agreed to keep them at your place. Now, since they are not with you unsupervised, it makes sense to keep them at my place so they can get some use.

I'm not sure why I am getting such a hostile response to such a simple request. If you are refusing to return the children's bikes to us, just say so, but if I recall, we purchased them together so they do not belong to you.

_________

And then I forwarded the entire exchange to the assessor.
What, like you wouldn't do it? He has sent one too many crazy emails to me. It's about time somebody somewhere see his absolute craziness.

I Don't Want to See You

I find it interesting that children can be so very smart. Sometimes, no matter how much you think they cannot see through things, you learn that they are a better judge of character than adults can ever be.

I was afraid that the children would now be fooled by their dad. I mean, it's been months since they have been alone with him. They only see him if they are supervised, and although I don't know what really goes on, I'm pretty confident that he is on his best behavior when he is forced to be a lab rat watched and scrutinized by the CAS.

My fear was that since he is supervised, he is on his best behavior, so the children may let down their guard and act differently around him. Now of course, it is a GOOD thing if they can have a new relationship with their dad. That is what I would love to see. I would only ever want a healthy bond between the children and their dad. But right now, when I want the courts to know how he is, and that he needs help, I don't want him "fooling" anyone while being observed. My bigger concern was not so much the CAS visits, but the assessment sessions, when the assessor is watching him with the children. I expressed my concern to the assessor, that while he observes the children, they will be all happy and lighthearted around him, only because he hasn't been able to hurt them in the past few months. I mean, what if the children just think he is " better" now, and so nothing comes out in the sessions? The assessor assured me that he is a professional, and that if nothing else, the behavior of the children around their dad will be very different than it is with me. I think he's right about that, and so I felt better.

Then yesterday, I took the kids for their visit with their dad. We got to the centre, went inside, and my son said "I don't want to go". Right in front of the supervisor. I was shocked. We asked him why. He said he just didn't feel like seeing his dad. I was shocked. I ended up having to leave, but when I did pick up the children I asked what happened. My son's answer "He may not hit us anymore, but he still gets angry easily and yells and gets mad alot". Wow. I'm wondering if the CAS is making note of all this? I mean, how sad it would be if the children are picking up on his temperament but the CAS isn't? I can only do one thing at this point- trust the system. Hopefully everything is getting noticed.

Then today, I took the children to see their dad. I explained to them that today they would have to do homework with their dad. My son had a full on temper tantrum. He told me that he doesn't want to do homework with his dad, that his dad is mean, that he doesn't know how to teach children, that he has no patience. I explained that this is why he has to do homework with the children, so that he can learn how to do this task without losing it. My son refused.

As it turns out, they never got the chance to do homework together. My ex refused to do it. I will be calling the case worker tomorrow to report this. In the meantime, I can only hope it got noted by the person who was supervising. I asked the children what he said, and they told me he said "Your mom never asked me to do homework, and I am not your mother. That is her job". Actually, the case worker should have told him to do homework, so I don't know what he is talking about. I will clear all this up tomorrow.

I am surprised. Children really are smarter than adults. I find that they "feel" their way around. They don't do things based on what they are told. They have a really awesome sixth sense about them, and it is usually very accurate.

Like I said, I sit, I wait, and I trust in the system. I will have an answer to all this in June. Two months to go.

Escaping Mr. Bipolar

I had a scary thought. Wouldn't it be freaky if the thing that I am running from comes back to haunt me later? I left my ex husband because I could not handle his instability, his mood swings, the abuse, the rage. Now, after reading up on it and studying it, I see that it passes down from male to male most commonly. My biggest fear- God forbid that my son grow into his teenage years and develop the same thing.

Sometimes, when you run from something that you were meant to face, you end up facing it again in your life. I ran from a crazy lunatic. I just pray that I won't ever have to face it again. Better yet, I pray that I faced it as much as I was supposed to and that this part of my spiritual/emotional/mental journey is complete.

Then again, I have in my life, met many bipolar people since my separation. Some are doctors, lawyers, CEOs. One key difference- they accept the condition that they have and do everything that they can to treat it. They stay on their medication, and they go to regular therapy. They don't try to run from it.

I don't have any reason to fear anything for my son. He seems like a pretty normal child, and a happy one for the most part. It's just that I know this thing starts up in the teenage years, and our MD has warned me that there is always a chance (albeit slim). I just hope and pray that I don't have to ever face this again in my life. Quite frankly, I've had enough.

Just another one of those fears that makes me lose sleep at night I guess...

Is he Your Boyfriend?

My son's question a few days ago about Mr. NYC. Now for those of you who know me, culturally, the whole dating thing is a major NO-NO. The word boyfriend makes my friends freak out. I avoid using the word around them out of fear of being judged. I often refer to him by his name, or as someone that I am "seeing".

I was totally shocked when my son asked me this. I kept thinking back to things I have said, wondering if I have said anything inappropriate around him. I've been very careful to describe him only as a friend. But kids can be really smart. So I asked him what made him think that Mr. NYC might be my boyfriend, and he said "You smile whenever he calls and you talk differently to him than you do to others".

Kids are too smart for their own good.

I basically responded that he is a very close friend. I was really surprised to see the disappointment on his face. I asked him what was wrong. And he responded that he was hoping I would say yes he is my boyfriend.

"But why? What would that mean?"

"It would mean you would marry him".

"You WANT me to marry him?"

"Yes"

"But why?"

And here is the kicker....."Because I want him to be my father"...

Not stepfather. He said father. I was shocked, and saddened. That is just sad in so many ways. It's sad that he has such a crappy father to begin with, it's sad that he is lacking the male role model in his life, and it's sad that he would so easily let someone step in and take that role. I mean, not entirely bad from a moving on perspective for me, whenever or IF ever I am ready for that, but really, yeah, it's just sad.

As hard as I try, and as much as I think I am a decent parent, I can never fill the void of both a mother and father. It's just a shame that he has the dad that he has. Any other man and this divorce could have been easier on my son.

But this is the challenge I am given, and these are the cards I have been dealt. And so, I keep moving forward, trying to make the best of it, doing the best I can, with whatever resources I have available to me. Let's hope it all works out for the best where the children are concerned. We will only know the real impacts of this when they get older, like in their teenage years.

Either way, I keep trying, and praying. The rest is out of my hands.

A Small Relief

The assessor gave me a small hint of hope yesterday. He said that he has been reading the reports from our marriage counsellors, from doctors, etc. who have written in at his request. I asked what they said, he said he wouldn't tell me just yet. I asked if there was anything he could share. Then he told me that there was one consistent theme- that all the past medical records are showing that my ex admitted to being abusive physically towards me. He said he found it interesting, because up until now, he has been denying the abuse, but now there is more than one source with the same story.

I cannot tell you how relieved I felt.

I came home last night feeling like someone had set me free. Like after all these years of him denying what he did to me, he won't be able to deny it anymore. It's like instant therapy. It's like, validation I guess. Like I can tell the world "See, I'm not crazy. This really happened."

Up until now, I felt like I was the only one who knew it happened. Like the rest of the world was wondering if I was telling the truth or making it up. Now I feel like he can't lie. He will have to face up to what he is, what he has been all along.

Almost like judgement day.

I feel like I could cry from the relief.

Supershaz...

Today I worked like an ox. I got alot accomplished, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I was supposed to go to the gym, but I was still exhausted from yesterday's workout, so I passed.

I am supergirl. Today I...

• Made breakfast for the children
• Cleaned the kitchen
• Did homework with the children
• Took them to see their dad
• Spent 2 hrs documenting stuff in an email for my lawyer
• Did grocery shopping
• Did homework with the children (again)
• Cooked dinner
• Cleaned the kitchen (again)
• Washed and folded 3 loads of laundry
• cleaned the main floor of the house
• Prepared some documents for the assessor
• And now I am finishing off a document for my boss (the same one I was working on yesterday)

All in a day's work. They should give out trophys to single moms. I get tired just reading this list :)

And my reward for today was:

• A feeling of accomplishment
• Tons of hugs from my son who told me that I am not only the best mother, but the nicest person in the world (everyone say awwwww....)
• 10 minutes of tickling and burst of laughter with my daughter
• Oodles of smiles from the children- I LOVE them so much!
  

Simple Moments...

Ever have one of those absolutely delicious moments, where you feel so happy for NO REASON at all? I'm having one of those. In fact, I've been enjoying it for about two hours of pure bliss.

I am sitting at a Starbucks Cafe, on my laptop, working (office stuff), on a couch by the window, soaking in the sun and sipping my favourite latte. And despite the fact that I am doing office work, I am happy, and it is the simplest of pleasures that has brought me this happiness. I feel like I had a great day, and that I deserve a good moment. And I think I'm right.

This weekend so far has been a good one:

• I worked late yesterday, and cleared my office inbox. It has been eating on my nerves for weeks and although working that late is not a regular habit, I did this for the sole, selfish reason of lifing the burden on my shoulders of 180 unread emails. Mission accomplished, burden lifted.
• I took my son for his Tae Kwon Do test at 9:30 this morning. I watched attentively as he earned his green belt. I was thoroughly impressed as I saw his passion. And, as he sparred, I felt satisfied that by the time he is 13, he may be a black belt, and if that father of his dares to touch him when he is 13, well, let's just say he will be able to protect himself. Mommy can't always be there, but I feel good knowing he will one day be safe, even if I am not around. By sending him for Tae Kwon Do, I'm giving him the tools to protect himself. And yes, he got his green belt today :)
• After that, I took my children to see their father at the supervision centre. I feel good that they are safe, and that they can have some time with their dad. He is, after all, their father, and so, we must all learn to deal with him in some capacity or another. The fact that they can have a good relationship while being safe and protected is as perfect as that can be.
• While they were visiting their dad, I went to the gym and had what I think might have been the most intense workout of my life. 500 calories and a few buckets of sweat later, I picked up the children and went home to take a shower. What an awesome feeling! There is something so incredible about feeling the beads of sweat on your body and feeling the water wash them away. I just can't explain it.
• I got a phone call from my former brother in law about two hours ago. He is the one I get alone with. He is also the one that does not get along with my ex. He called to see how the children were doing. On that call, he asked if I was happy. I said yes. He said that he was happy to hear it, and that in all the years we have known eachother, he knows I would never do anything to hurt others, and that I am fair. So whatever I am doing must be the right thing. Then he asked if he could see the children. I said absolutely. I will take them over in a few weeks. What a lovely call!
  
• Next, I dropped the children off at a birthday party and came here to Starbucks to finish a document for my boss (no I don't mind working today). And I just realized, this is a really really awesome moment.
• And as I type this, I just got a call from Mr. NYC, who is currently overseas in Dubai. He was just about to go to sleep and called to say good night :)

Top that... :)

Isn't it amazing how sometimes the smallest of things can bring us the biggest burst of happiness? I am SO grateful for this weekend

Plugging Away

The assessment continues. Work continues. My ex's supervised visitations continue. For the past two weeks I have been just plugging along. The assessor is on vacation, so there is a pause in our timeline. Quite frankly, I don't mind the pause. Life has been so busy that I can afford to spare a few hours a week.

Interestingly enough, although life is very stressful right now (peak of a court case and assessment etc), I am feeling calm and content. I just realized the other day that I am happier at this point, at this moment in my life than I have ever been before. EVER. Wow. That speaks volumes.

I've also realized that for the first time in my life, I'm feeling comfortable with whatever will come my way. Of course, this could change in a few months' time, but for the time being, I feel like whatever the outcome of the court case, I will be OK.

Here is what I have realized. When I look back at all the large, catastrophic things that have happened in my life, I see that they have always resulted in something better. Always. Even if it feels unbearable while I go through it, I find that things have always worked out for the best.

The two most catastrophic things that I can think of were my hospitalization in 2004 and my divorce. But at the end of the day, it was the hospitalization that made me decide to file for divorce (I was told by the neurologist that I didn't have MS as they originally thought, but rather, that I had a stress attack bad enough to shut my body down completely). The divorce was difficult, but I am now happier than ever. The divorce, while difficult to go through, was better for me in the grande scheme of things.

Whatever the outcome of this court case, I know that I will be fine, as nothing can be worse than what I have already experienced. It can only get better from here. And even if something seems impossible or too difficult, I am confident that in the end, it will all work out for the best.

It always does. Thank God.

First Visit with Dad

The children saw their dad today for the first time in over 8 weeks. They have had telephone conversations in between in which their father has promised not to hurt them again. I know they miss him, and I know they want to believe in him. They keep saying "maybe this time he means it. Maybe he won't do bad things anymore". I don't say much when they say that. I can't blame them for being hopeful. I mean, I was hopeful for 11 years. I just learned from experience. Am I hopeful this time through? Not really. Especially not where the children are concerned. Let's just say that I've learned from my mistakes and experiences. This man cannot and will not change. The anger is part of him. It's in his blood. It's who he is.

Anyhow, all that being said, I did see the humiliation on his face to have to be at a supervision place to see his children. I also saw the anger towards me when I dropped off the children. It was in his eyes. Like I am somehow to blame for the mess that he has created. I guess that is the thing with abusive men....they can never own their issues, they always have to pin everything on someone else. I guess that is also why they never change. And so the cycle continues.

They will see their dad again tomorrow. Apparently, they had a nice visit today. I'm glad for them. I explained to them beforehand that they would be fully protected. I know they went in feeling confident. Just to confirm, my daughter did ask me one last time before leaving the house "what happens if he yells at us or tries to hurt us?" I explained that someone would be there to take care of them, and if he started to get angry they would call me to come and get them. She seemed to feel better.

After the visit, the children told me the setup was much like a focus group. Each family had a little room to play in. They had a glass window behind which sat a case worker who was listening to everything and taking notes. The children seemed ok with this. They have another visit tomorrow. I'm sure all the visits will go well. I mean, he knows he is under the microscope, so I fully expect him to be on his best behaviour. Let's watch over the next few weeks and see how things go.

Social Worker Visit

The children got to see the social worker today. She came by and explained the process for the supervised access to the children. They seemed OK with it. I'm glad they had a chance to understand what their visits with their dad will be like. Managing expectations is a good thing, especially with young children.

Sadly, I had to share with the social worker the details of the children's last phone call with their dad. He called on Sunday for all of 2 minutes. His questions were very specific:

• Who is over right now?
• Are you going anywhere today?
• Have you spent time with mom's male friends lately?
• Is Mr. NYC coming over?
  
• Has Mr. NYC come over lately?
• Where did Mr. NYC stay when he visited?

Seriously, this has to stop. My personal life is none of his damned business. He seems to think he owns me. I mean, he got married and divorced, yet I cannot move on with my life. It's just not right.

I basically had to email him and tell him that am finding his constant line of questioning very intrusive and obsessive. I mean, he already knows about my relationship with Mr. NYC, as it is the reason for my request to move to New York. I'm not sure why he thinks it is his business to know where Mr. NYC stays when he visits me, how often he comes here, or where he sleeps when he visits. Nor is it appropriate to be asking these questions of small children. I told him that I am finding his questions very scary and I am very uncomfortable with the way that he keeps tabs on my life. I do not ask the children these questions when they visit him and would appreciate it if he would show the same respect.

Honestly, he is NEVER going to let me be happy. Never.

And She is HOME!!!

Mom is finally home. She came home on Monday night, and she is recovering quite nicely. I am so incredibly grateful.

The weekend was insane with all the snowstorms in Toronto. My sister stayed over this weekend so she could be closer to the hospital, and closer to my mom. Unfortunately, we were snowed in for a big chunk of the weekend, but we survived it.

As for the children's first CAS supervised visitation, both visits (Sat and Sun) were cancelled due to the storm. I'm sure he must not have been too happy to hear about that. Well, that's what you get for beating on your kids. Sorry people, but I have no sympathy for him...

On another note, I have found myself in a surprising sense of calm. I mean, this was a crappy month. Mom was in and out of the hospital, I have the ongoing assessment, work was busy, I was falling behind, but you know, I feel like no matter what happens, everything is going to be OK. One of my dear friends continues to remind me that no matter what happens, no matter what comes of this court case, I will be better off. I actually think he is right.

I went to my naturopath today. (The one who has been monitoring my stress hormones). Last time, in January, they were at 3.6 times normal levels. We are trying to get them to 1 which is an ideal normal. Today, we found that I lost 3lbs, and my stress hormone levels were at 1.6. WOW! We were both shocked. I mean, I am going through a very hard month, and my stress hormones hit an all time low. Maybe I'm getting better at coping with things? I mean, I have decided to deal with everything one day at a time. I have accepted that life will be pure hell until June. (at least). So now, every day my goal has been to make it through the day as best as I can. June, after all, is really not that far away. It's actually on the horizon. I just need to keep afloat until June. I think I'm getting there.

Well, if nothing else, I am doing something correctly. I hope I can keep it up.

Mom Looks Better Today

I went to see mom today. She looks a bit better, thank God. The tests went well, and she seems to be getting some energy back. Turns out she has some digestive problems resulting from diabetes, and a few other issues (almost had kidney failure), but she is recovering. I have my fingers crossed. If all goes well, we might even have her home by Tuesday. That would be great.

On another note, tomorrrow will be the first time the children see their dad since mid January. The will see him at a supervision centre, so all should be fine. I will take that time to make a trip to the gym. I figure if nothing else, I might as well take advantage of the two hours of babysitting.

I'll post tomorrow and update on how it goes.

Hospital Visit #4

Mom was admitted to the hospital again on Friday. This would be visit #4 in less than 4 weeks. What the hell is wrong with our health care? Seriously, we need a two tiered system. I'm so fed up.

Thank God my sister was able to drag my mom to the hospital on Friday. The doctor said that we are lucky we brought her in to be admitted, because she was in risk of kidney failure. Apparently, because she has been vomiting even water, her kidneys haven't been doing anything for 4 weeks and were getting all messed up. I am so fed up with our incompetent health care. It is unbelievable. So mom is back in the hospital, yet we still don't know what is wrong with her. There is just way too much wrong with that.

This weekend, Mr. NYC was in town. While I was glad to have the company, the timing was not good, especially given my mom was in the hospital. He came down with his kids, so it was his kids' first time in Toronto, and their first time meeting my kids. All went well on that front, but I just feel like there was so much on my mind consuming me.

Sigh. Keep mom in your prayers. Let's hope the tests go well on Monday/Tuesday. They did all kinds of xrays and ultrasounds this weekend, but no news yet.

One Small Win

One small step at a time...

Today I had one small win. Small in the grand scheme of the money I've spent in court, and the time it has taken, but this is big to me. Today, I learned that I can finally do small things to protect the children. And I learned that no matter what, I can hope and believe that the children will be ok.

I spoke to the CAS today. They strongly advised my ex that he should agree with supervised access voluntarily. And he did. So now, for the next few months, he will see the children at a centre supervised by the CAS. He will see them for two hours on Saturdays and two hours on Sundays for a period of a few months, and then it will move to semi supervised and then eventually unsupervised. They were even smart enough to say that he would need to spend some of the time doing homework with the children, since that was one of the issues in the past. He is unable to handle the stressful situations so they will want to monitor his behaviour for the next while, including during stressful scenarios. But in the meantime, I can rest for a few months knowing that the children are safe. That is a total God-send.

I will have the court case running for the next little while, but at least things will go smoothly with respect to the children's safety in the interim. It's taken alot of time to get here, but thank God it happened at last.

Family Day

Well, at least I spent Family Day with family...

I spent the morning with the children, just reading books, eating breakfast, and basically cuddling :). Around noon, I got a call from my mother, who was still not feeling well, and apparently her health was deteriorating. She was vomiting again, and cramping up and still couldn't even keep water down. My mother, who ignores all illnesses anytime, even if she is badly ill, asked for me to take her to the hospital. I knew that she was in bad shape, because Mom would never ask to go to a hospital, let alone willingly.

We got to the hospital around 1pm. We were seen by the doctor at 6pm. The doctor was shocked that she was still sick, and referred her to another doctor, recommending that she get admitted. He put her in the waiting room in a chair, but had her put on a drip with medecine to stop the vomiting. (the drip did not help). The second doctor requested xrays and bloodwork. She was seen by the second doctor at midnight. She was admitted to the hospital, and had to wait (in the waiting room) until 2am for a bed. Gotta love our backlogged health care system...

When I got home, my son woke up with a fever and started vomiting. I finally got to bed at 4am, and then woke up again at 6 to go to work. My son looked better so I took him to school. While in a meeting, at 11am, I got a call from the school telling me to come back and get my son, as he was sick. I got back to the school, picked up my son and made an appt for him to see the doctor. In the meantime, I called the hospital to see if I could visit my mom. She has been put into one of those quarantined wards, which means that she cannot have any visitors. Poor mom.

The doctor says my son has the flu, and that it might develop into a stomach flu. I have to keep an eye on it. I am SO tired and a bit worried, as I cannot keep missing work.

Let's pray that everyone gets better soon.

Our First Family Day Weekend

I'm grateful for the long weekend. This is the time of year where most Canadians are going crazy from all the crappy weather. I think I read last year that depression and suicide rates go up in February. That is scary.

Anyhow, it's great to have a long weekend, but I would really love to have some sunshine. I'll take what I can get for the time being.

Mom is starting to feel a bit better. She gave us all a bit of a scare. Apparently, she has the virus that has forced the credit valley hospital to close down 2 wards. The only difference is that while it lasts about 3 days for most people, it hit her for 10. I suspect that has alot to do with the fact that she is diabetic and that all her sugar levels are messed up. Fortunately, yesterday, she was able to keep one meal down, so I've got my fingers crossed that the worst is over.

As for this weekend, I spent today with a close friend, helping him run errands before he goes away to visit his family abroad. The children seemed to be ok with it, and I think they enjoyed the time together. One funny thing that I have observed with the children is that they love any activities which include one of my male friends. Sadly, I think they really miss the "family" feel, and even when it's not a parter/husband/etc, I think they just feel comfortable with the male presence in their lives. I'm just grateful that I have awesome male friends that can help me fill that gap. One downside- almost always, at the end of a day like that, one of the children will ask why I won't marry that friend. I reply that he is just a friend. Today my daughter asked " But can't you marry a friend?". I had to explain that yes of course you can, but I won't be marrying this friend. Sigh. Either way, I still think that despite these questions, it is still better for my children to have a male presence through my friends. You should see the sense of calm and contentment they get when we have those days with a male figure. Kind of sad isn't it? Thank God for these friends. Bless 'em...

On another note, I got an email from my ex this morning. He says he has a birthday party to go to on Sunday and that he wants the children on Sunday/Monday. Honestly, he is such a pest. I replied that no, I have plans with the children, and that given recent events, I do not feel right sending the children to him. In the future, our lawyers need to decide what to do with access, he cannot email and harass me like this.

Later on, when I was shopping with my friend and the children, my ex called again. He wanted to speak to the children, and then with me. What ticked me off is that he told my son that there was a birthday party and that I was not letting them go. So my son asked me if he could go. The only response I could give is that he cannot go, and that these decisions are adult discussions at this point. Honestly, my ex is a total pain in the butt. So, next my ex spoke to me, and insisted that I let the children go with him. I said no. Then he basically blamed me for the continuous escalations of our matter. He said that I created the hostility and that I am making it worse. I reminded him that I am not the one hurting the children. He said yes he made a mistake but I am making it worse. Thankfully, my friend quietly told me to hang up and end the call. He was SO right. I took his advice and that was that.

I am totally hoping this will end soon.

One issue though- my son told my ex that I would be taking him to the autoshow tomorrow. That is a problem. The last thing I need is to have my ex show up there to stalk us. One option is to go on Monday instead. Another is to go on Sunday anyways and tell my ex to take a hike if we see him (which may not be a good idea with the children present). Another option is not to go at all (although I hate the thought of him being able to change my plans like that). Sigh. I'll figure that one out tomorrow.

CAS Transfer Visit #2

My lawyer called me around noon today. She said that she got a letter from my ex's lawyer and that since the CAS investigation is over, he wants the children this weekend. Obviously he is on crack. Anyhow, she replied to them, saying that since she received this last minute on a Friday, and since I have plans for the weekend, this is not acceptable. We will have to discuss the matter further next week.

I also had a transfer visit from the CAS at 3pm today. This time, it was for the new worker to meet the children. It went fine. She spent time getting to know them better. She has agreed to let us use her supervision facility. Here is the kicker- but she is NOT able to enforce supervised access. I just don't get it. Here is an organization that is renound for apprehending children, yet they cannot seem to protect mine. What the hell is up with that?

Anyhow, basically, I need to speak to my lawyer next week. Since the CAS is not enforcing supervision (or apparently not able to enforce it), and since their case is now closed, I am in breach of a court order by not sending the children to my ex. I need to find out from my lawyer if either A) my ex can willingly consent to supervised access at a centre for a certain period of time or B) if we need to go back to court and get a supervision order from a judge. What a waste of time and money. I SO picked the worst man to marry. What a screwed up existence I am leading. Make one mistake and pay a lifetime for it. Sigh.

Thank God for the long weekend ahead.

Happy Birthday to Me

I turned 36 on Saturday. I didn't have any plans this year, I was actually planning to spend it with my family. None of my friends remembered my birthday, (OK, well, two of them did call/email), so that was a bit lonely. I'm over it. That's how it goes I guess. Anyhow, I was hoping to spend the day with family, but my mom got sick.

She has a stomach virus, and normally that shouldn't be a big deal, but she is diabetic, and not eating/drinking for 3 days pushed her sugar levels to 4x the normal levels. We had to put her on an IV on Saturday, and she was brought home on Sunday. She was feeling better yesterday (Sunday) but is again worse today. If she doesn't get better by tomorrow morning, we will get her back to the hospital again for another IV drip. I've got my fingers crossed.

It was sad and scary seeing my mom in the hospital. When she said "I feel bad you have to be here with me on your birthday", I told her "Why? This is where it all started. I was born in a hospital, and we were here together. It's appropriate that I spend my birthday by your side".

Moms are precious. We need to do everything we can to be there with them when they need us.

On another note, I got an amazing email from a friend that brought me to tears. I was supposed to visit her on Sunday, but had to cancel because of my mom. She just emailed me and said she had baked a cake for my birthday. How totally sweet. I was teary eyed when I read the email. I feel so touched that she remembered, and that she made the effort.

I did also get flowers from Mr. NYC. Hooray for the awesome man in my life :) He gave me a present when he was here last week. Two brownie points for Mr. NYC! :)

As for the rest of life, I had another meeting with the assessor. He asked for a chronology of my relationship with my ex, from the start. I told the story right from when we met to our honeymoon and the first black eye. The funny thing is, I've never had to tell everything to anyone before- like, in order. Including how I felt, why I didn't leave, and why I married him in the first place. There are alot of things I couldn't remember, but he MADE me remember them. Things I would rather have forgotten. It was very emotional for me, and I found myself crying the whole way home.

This whole process is bloody draining. I feel totally spent.

And think...there are at least another two months of this left to go. I'm tired already. I've been telling my story for years, but this is just a whole lot more emotional.

The Transfer Visit

I had a visit with CAS. It was to transfer the file to the ongoing case worker. It went fine, and the new worker seemed very nice. I had previously raised the issue that the access center I had called had refused to take us, because there was a worker already involved. Turns out, these workers have now decided to let us use their private access center. They will speak to my ex next week, and set all this up sometime in weeks to come. He will be allowed to see the children for 2hrs a week, with the hope of moving to semi-supervised visits and then putting him on a program to eventually not need the visits anymore. The CAS will stay involved in our case until April, when we are hoping the assessment will be complete.

Keep your fingers crossed. I'm drained already, and there is such a long road ahead.

Another Week in Review

Honestly, these days I am just too tired to blog. Here is an update of the week:

• We started the assessment process. It's stressful, but this is my last hope for Justice. Keep your fingers crossed. The assessor has lots of experience, so I'm hoping he can spot the bipolar disorder.
  
• The assessment will involve inconveniencing my family and friends, as they will have to also meet the assessor. But I guess that's part of life.
  
• My lawyer has sent a letter to my ex's lawyer outlining that if he wants to see the kids, it will have to be in an access center.
  
• In the meantime, I contacted CAS for further information around center hours, etc. They advised me (and this is SO stupid) that the access centers are a different division of the CAS. So to use an access centre, you must not have any other CAS involvement. Since we have been assigned a permanent social worker for the next few months (due to so many cases being opened), we are not eligible for use of the access center. I mean seriously- WTF?! So I'm not sure what to do now. I called the CAS where the social worker is and told them of my dilemma. Not sure if they can help me but this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life. Stupidest. Hands down. If I had a choice between which CAS services are more important, I would choose the access center over the useless social worker, but I don't have a say. Somebody save me please.
  
• To de-stress a bit, I had a most lovely visit from Mr. NYC. Thank God for small bouts of stability. We had a nice weekend. He's going to be in Pakistan next week, so he will miss my birthday. I'm glad I got to see him this weekend. The kids enjoyed spending time with him too :)
  

Another Week in Review

Clearly, things are a bit overwhelming these days. Blogging has not been my top priority. Here is the week in review:

• I got word that my ex met with the police on Monday. He hired a criminal lawyer. I'm told there won't be criminal charges, but that he has been given an official "warning" about his conduct.
• I spoke with the CAS. My ex was advised by his lawyer not to speak to the CAS without the family lawyer present. That meeting is supposed to happen by early next week. I will get an update from the CAS after that.
• In the meantime, the CAS told me that my ex wants to speak to the children. She told me that she advised him that it would be OK for him to have telephone calls, provided that I am supervising the calls. He is not to question them about what happened, not allowed to talk about anything that could be troubling for them. He can tell them he loves them, tell them he misses them and ask them about school.
• Today (Saturday), my ex called my cell. I chose not to answer it because I cannot supervise a call from my cell. I need to be home where I can either let the children use a speaker phone, or where I can pick up a second extension. When we got home I told the children that their dad had called and asked if they wanted to call him back. They said no. They said he is mean and scary and they don't want to talk to him. This puts me in an awkward position. Legally, if I don't return his call, I don't want him to take the position that I deliberately restricted his contact. Then again, with everything the children have been through, I hardly want to be the one to FORCE a phone call. I'm just going to take the chance. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Contribute to messing them up even more? No thanks.
• Other than that, I've spent the bulk of the week getting the kids into a routine, trying to give some sense of normalcy. I think they are doing a little better this week than they were last week. Keep your fingers crossed on this one.
• My daughter had a peculiar hair cutting incident this week. She apparently doesn't like tangles in her hair, so she took the scissors on Thursday morning and cut all the tangles out of her hair. Parts ended up ear length, parts ended up mid way down her back. I took her to the hairdresser today, totally afraid that we would have to give her a boy cut. Fortunately, they were able to cut layers and salvage most of it. Thank God for small favors.
• My daugter got her yellow stripe in Tae Kwan Do this week. Small win during stressful times. I was shocked to see her. She is usually so shy and lacks confidence. On Thursday, I saw a girl who was able to do the entire pattern with such strength. The instructor actually spoke to me afterwards and asked what happened. He never sees so much force in her. Her voice was so loud when she was leading the drills. He was shocked. So was I. I'm not sure if it was rage, or just an outlet. But I am SO glad the kids are in martial arts. This has to be good for them.
  
• Next week we have a meeting with the assessor. We will both be there. This should be interesting. I'm not looking forward to it. Not at all. At the end of the day, I am still afraid of my ex. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. It's like I'm conditioned to be afraid of his temper. It's all very creepy.

That's it for this week. I'll do another update in a couple of days.

Weekend Update

Here is what has transpired since my last entry:

My children had a therapy session on Friday afternoon. It did not go well. My son didn't seem to want to go and by the time we got there he was in a full blown tantrum. I had to carry him up to the doctor's office and forcibly keep him in the room with me. He didn't talk at all with her, but he let me recount the weeks events and he sat there curled in a ball in the corner the whole time. When he had enough, he started telling me "No more talking". The therapist says this is normal (WOW), mostly because he has been so silent since the police visit. She says her office represents a place where the children come to talk in a safe environment about their dad, their fears etc, and that she feels it is understandable why in a stressful week he would not want to come, and would not want to talk. He just wasn't ready. He said a few passing things about being hurt and angry with his dad, but that was it. We have another appointment on Saturday next week, so we can try again then. At least he let me speak about it. She says that was promising.

I spent the rest of the weekend on "nothing". We did nothing stressful. Went to the theater to see National Treasure 2, rented a movie (Evan Almighty), played video games, did homework and visited a few friends today. The therapist said that I should let the weekend be one big outlet...no pressure, no chores, no talking about "it" unless they open up. I stuck to the plan. It worked very well. Today, my children seem a lot more relaxed. Mission accomplished.

As for me, you might be wondering what it did for "me". I did a couple of things. I called my old therapist and setup appointments with him for myself. Good start right? Graham was open to seeing me, so I'm happy about that, and looking for the emotional outlet myself. This is all a bit more than I had bargained for. The second thing I did is that I went to the gym both days this weekend. But, not only did I go to the gym, I went to 2 exercise classes. One ball fusion, and one step class. This may not sound like a big deal, but here is a bit of background- I've always wanted to do a step class, but have been too scared. I tried it once about 10 years back (when I was lean and fit) and to my surprise, I couldn't keep up for more than 10 minutes. I felt so bad, I never went back again. This time, I went in, and lasted the whole class! Maybe all that cardio work is paying off. It was such a thrill and I feel great. Little pieces of silver lining during the storm I guess.

Now- back to the storm...here is my plan for this week. I'm going to just sit back and let things unfold. I have spent the entire weekend stressing over the situation, and where I am now is that I realize that this is going to go however it is meant to. It is clearly not in my hands, and we have a greater power guiding things, so I'm just going to sit back and wait until I can add value.

With my ex, my lawyer always said to leave him alone. She said if I give him enough rope, he will hang himself (figuratively speaking of course). That is exactly what he has done. He couldn't have picked a worse time to spank the kids. I mean, we are in the middle of a parental assessment. Even if they don't press charges, having your access moved to a supervision centre cannot look good on his parenting abilities, right?

Let's see what happens. With any luck, maybe this time, he won't get out of it so easily. Maybe this time, he will have to face the consequences of his actions and continuous ploys to cover them up.

Probably Not Charge...

And that is OK with me. I just spoke to the officer. He hasn't met with my ex yet, but will be meeting with him tomorrow at the police station. It sounds like my ex has hired a criminal lawyer, who will be attending either with him, or on his behalf. Either way, he has been advised that he will not be seeing the children for the next while.

I asked the lawyer in detail what the criteria is for pressing charges. He said it's usually when the evidence speaks out so loudly that it cannot be disputed in court. For example, a father picks up a chair and hits a child with it, resulting in broken bones and xray reports. This of course is nothing like that.

The officer acknowledged that he has seen all the police reports of domestic issues with his second wife. He sees them as a pattern of a mental issue, or anger issue. But charges were never laid before, so they are hard to lay now. Fatima should have charged when she had the chance. More importantly, I should have charged when I had the chance. My bruises were telling. What goes around comes around doesn't it? Had I taken care of this back then, I wouldn't be sitting here in this situation right now.

Anyhow, it's OK if they don't press charges. I see how bruising from a spanking (when spanking is legal) is difficult compared to a total beating. I told the officer as long as we protect the children, that is what matters.

His recommendation will be no access in the short term, and supervised access in the long term, with no periods of time unsupervised and supervision can only be provided by the CAS themselves in a supervision centre.

I still feel sorry for him. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I feel like I have done something horrible, yet he is the one who hurt the kids. I feel angry at him for hurting them, but sorry for him too, mostly because of his mental condition. I wish he would just go on the medication and make everyone's life easier.

To Charge or Not to Charge

So I called the officer back yesterday. They are still trying to reach my ex. The decision they need to make is whether to press charges or not. I asked what their deciding criteria is. They said they need to determine if this is a bad parent, or a criminal. Bad parents get less time/controlled environments with their children. Criminals have charges pressed against them. I think he is leaning towards not pressing charges. I understand, but it feels like my ex has nine lives. I should have pressed charges when we were married. Fatima should have pressed charges, but she changed her statement during one of the police visits. This time, it looks like he will walk again.

The main thing, however, is the safety of the children, and I'm hoping they will, at minimum, uphold that.

The CAS has given me a letter. It's worded a bit funny, but it does the trick for now. Basically, it states that their recommendation is that the children have no access to their father until their investigation is complete. It talks about what has transpired, the police involvement, etc. In the last paragraph, it says that they see me as a protective parent and my home as a protective home for the children. It also says that if I were to send the children to their father, it would compromise their regard of me as a protective parent. Basically, if I send them, they would take the children away from me for not being able to protect them.

Here is the kicker. I am going to be in contempt of court. You see, the CAS is not above the court. They cannot over-ride a court order. I have a court order that is not as vague as the last one. This one clearly states that the children are to see their father every other weekend and it includes drop off/pick up times. He could, technically show up with the police. I could also technically be charged. I am told that if that happens, I have this letter, and while they can try to charge me, the charges wouldn't stick. I find this a little weird. Personally, I think it would have been better for the CAS to go to the judge and get an interim emergency order that changes arrangements until their investigation is complete. But they won't do that.

Today, I am working from home. I really don't think I will get much done as I am exhausted, have a massive headache, and my eyes are burning from lack of sleep. I got the children a 2pm appt with their therapist (they need it), so let's see how that goes. Hopefully they will feel a bit better emotionally. My son is a bit upset. He says he doesn't like to "talk about these things" but that he was forced to tell the truth the other day because you can't lie to a police officer. I feel so bad.

It doesn't help that my family has different opinions on what is going on. Some of them think that I should leave it alone, its a mark, but the first time, so let it go and don't let the police be involved. Others agree that it's only the beginning and going to get worse. I obviously share the latter opinion, but you can totally see the Desi culture coming out here. I think I need this weekend on my own.

I think the police will be talking to my ex today. I finally fell asleep around 5 am and woke up at 6:30am to a telephone call. I was dazed and couldn't hear correctly so I hung up. The phone rang like 10 times after that and I was in the washroom. I later checked the number and realized it was my ex. I decided not to call him back. I'm guessing he knows by now about the police involvement and he's mad. I'm guessing he wants information. But I don't think anything good would come out of a conversation with him right now. I might say things that won't be very nice.

But here is the really screwed up part. I feel sorry for him. I am infuriated for what he did, for him refusing the meds and creating a mess of our lives. My other side sees the mental illness, knows he isn't 100% in control of what he is doing, and I feel sad for him.

I know- it's all a bit too messed up.

The Bruise

You read correctly.

This morning when I was dressing the children for school, I noticed a bruise on my son's bottom. It's kind of small like finger digits and then there is a slightly larger one up a bit. It looks a bit like a palm and digits. I was infuriated.

So I drove to my doctor's office at 8:30am this morning. I showed him the bruise. My son told the truth, that his dad had taken off his clothes and spanked him because he had refused to do his homework. My daughter confirmed that she was there, and that she was begging him to stop hurting her brother, but that he wouldn't.

So we have a bruise, a story, and a witness.

Our doctor called the CAS and spoke to the case worker who is working on our already-open case. You see, in the past, we had a story but unconfirmed timelines, which apparently is useless, or we had the children saying one thing and their father saying another. But THIS time, we have a bruise, a story, a witness, and confirmed timelines.

I didn't want it to come to this. Remember all those times that CAS said "It would be different if there were a mark". I kept saying that I don't want the mark to happen. But now it happened. This is what I was afraid of all along. Why is it that the CAS will harass innocent families, but let the bad ones go undetected?

Anyhow, I called the CAS worker on my way to the office. She said that she was discussing our case with her supervisor. They agreed that my ex should not have any further access to the children until the investigation is complete. Big deal. I've been down this road before. Then I said, (OK actually, I muttered), something along the lines of "what are you guys waiting for? A black eye?" I didn't realize she heard me. But she did. She called me back 10 mins later and told me that her supervisor decided that they should contact the Victims Unit. In other words, the police.

So next, the police officer and the CAS went to my son's school to interview him, and to see his bruises. I can only imagine how humiliating it would have been for him to have been pulled out of class to speak to a cop and then to have to take his pants down for him. Poor child. I feel so bad for him. First the abuse, now insult to injury.

The officer left me a voicemail. He wants me to call him tomorrow morning. He said that he wants to talk about the children's safety and that perhaps the father should only have access to the kids if it is supervised by the CAS at a centre. I'll update this blog once I have that conversation tomorrow.

He Strikes Again

Tonight my ex had the children for a four hour unsupervised visit. Why is the four hour visit unsupervised? Because presumably, he can't really harm them in a four hour span. Well guess what? They were wrong.

The children came home tonight and reported that their father had spanked them again. The spanking laws in Canada are really hard to sift through, but at the end of the day, here is how I understand them:

• You cannot spank a child younger than 2 or older than 12
• You cannot spank hard enough to leave a mark
• You cannot spank a bare bottom
• You cannot spank while in a fit of rage

Tonight, the children told me that their father took my son's pants off to spank him. Not only was my son humiliated, but it hurt him a lot.

This breaks point #4. Let's hope the CAS agrees. I fully intend to call them and let them know.

I am totally disgusted. Why the law supports people like this, I will never know. They keep thinking about his rights to see his children. What about the children's rights to be safe? Doesn't that count?

Disclosed at Last

I have been waiting for the children to disclose something somewhere. It just hasn't been happening. This 3rd CAS visit did not honestly bring me much hope, as they have been very unhelpful so far and have only been hurting the situation more by closing files, implying that there are no concerns. I'm hearing that this time will now be different.

You see, my daughter disclosed information that she hasn't disclosed to a case worker so far. I think the key difference this time is that the worker did a second interview with the children, at their school, on Thursday. The previous intake workers would just interview the children, and close the file. I mean, seriously, what child would tell their life story to a complete stranger the first time they meet them? This worker took the time to get to know the children. She spent an hour just chatting and playing with them about school toys, etc on Monday, THEN went to the school on Thursday to ask them other questions. Smart.

Anyhow, here is what my daughter said. My son disclosed nothing. I don't blame him. He is terrified of his dad and very emotionally blackmailed by him. But the case worker did call me to tell me what she said:

• Dad tells us not to tell anyone anything
• I get blamed for everything if someone tells
• My brother will tell on me if I tell so I will get in trouble alone
• My dad is scared of us telling mom when he spanks us, so he makes sure we don't tell Mommy anything
• He spanks us all the time
• I don't like dad's apartment- It is small and always dirty
• My dad is so mean to us
• He hurts our feelings all the time
• One time he poured water on our heads as punishment
• You won't tell my daddy that I told you will you? If you do, he will kill us.
  
• Daddy is mad every second of the day
• Mommy is lots of fun and gives us lots of hugs and kisses
• Her house is big and clean
• She never spanks us
  

There aren't enough words to describe how I felt when I heard this. It was as if someone took my heart and ripped it to pieces and I was standing there watching the pieces fly away. When the CAS worker called me with the update on Thursday, I had to go in a conference room at work and just cry. I need this to end more than I need anything else right now.

My daughter is my new hero. Good for her for finding the courage to speak up. What a brave little girl.

Based on this, they said they will NOT be closing the file. It will be left open for ongoing service, meaning a permanent social worker for the next few months. That has so be good, right? I mean, this is what I had asked for all along. How sick that someone like me has to beg for the CAS to be involved. Very few parents in this world can say that they WANT the CAS to be having regular visits to their home. But here I am.

Next steps, they will interview doctors etc, and then contact my ex next week.

Keep your fingers crossed my friends.

In the meantime, we had our first assessment meeting. It went OK. The assessor says it will take until April to complete the assessment. I am really praying that April will mark the end of all this garbage.

CAS Visit #3

Yes. You read correctly. It never ends.

I just had another visit from the CAS. It turns out that the children's therapist called this one in. Apparently, at their last session, the children told the therapist that during their last visit with their dad, he was angry with the children and in a fit of rage, he picked up my son and threw him on the bed. This on it's own wouldn't have been so bad (in their books), except that he bounced off the bed from the force and banged his head on a night table. This constitutes inappropriate discipline.

My answer was simple. I have no issues with an investigation, I would be happy to sign any release forms that you require, however, please be aware that in the past, the CAS has only harmed us more. Their inability to do enough research has resulted in my children not being protected, and their father taking the position in court that "even the CAS has no issues, as they closed the case", but that I am the one who is acting like I know more than the CAS. The case worker understood and promised to do a more extensive research job this time through, and said she would do her best to protect the children. She also said she would leave the file open for 60 days this time.

Guys- pray for me. He will be enraged when he finds out they got involved. And I didn't have anything to do with it. Let's all pray that this time, the children will be better protected.

They will go on Thursday to speak to the children again at school. Let's see how that goes.

Sore Throat

Two days before going back to work and I get a sore throat. This sucks. I mean, if I come down with something, I can't exactly miss time from work after being off for two weeks. This throat has 24 hours to get better.

Oregano oil, here I come.

On another note, this has been a total drama week (again) with my ex. It doesn't end with him. Ever. He confronted me with a question around why I requested the rights to move to New York within my court documents. I told him the truth- that I've met someone, and that I would like the courts to decide if I can move. I figured it is no big deal telling him, as the assessment starts next week, and he would find out at that time anyhow. He of course, freaked out.

I have been getting constant drama calls about what a "shock" this has been for him, and how I am the love of his life. I mean, seriously- you got married, and divorced, but I can't even meet someone? I mean, this is just way too much.

He continues that he will move to New York if I want to move, that he will not leave his children, that he wants 50% access to his children. I told him that wouldn't happen. He insists we can work this out so we can settle out of court. I'm not sure how that is possible, since we don't agree on much of anything. But the calls are never ending. I am so emotionally drained, I need a vacation.

Today, I got a call from a professional mediator. Someone he met at the mosque. He wants the mediator to help us resolve the issues. The mediator said "I'm not necessarily trying to help you reconcile, but I do want to help you work together outside of courts". NECESSARILY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is what I hate about the community- they always think that reconciliation is the answer. So I gave buddy my side of the story. Did you know he is bipolar? Did you know he refuses medication? Did you know he was abusive? Did you know he has abused the kids? I gave my entire story. At the end, the mediator told me that it might be better to stick with the courts. A MEDIATOR told me this. Too funny. Now tell me something I don't already know.

Anyhow, that is the two second version of the past 7 days of drama. I am so exhausted. No wonder I am starting to get sick. When you are stressed, your immune system goes down.

Back to the oregano oil.

My Grandmother's Stroke

My grandmother had a stroke on Thursday. I went to the hospital to visit her on Friday. When I got there, she was a bit better, but her speech was still slurred, and she was incoherent. Grandma is 84 years old.

It was sad to see her this way. We have never been really close. I grew up very distant from her. Children are very perceptive. When I was young, I was very aware of the "roles" of the Desi household. I wasn't particularly fond of her, because of the way she dominated over my mother. It's not that I didn't like her, I was just always indifferent, and not particularly close to her. I always visited her on special occasions, but never went out of my way to see her, mostly because we weren't as close as we could have been.

Since my divorce, I know she asks of me often. I've grown to like her more than I ever did before. But on Friday, at the hospital, my heart went out to her. In this bed, I saw a frail old lady. I admired her because even in her incoherent moment, she was trying to maintain her dignity. Her character is very strong, very independent, and yes, very classy. When I got married 15 years ago, everyone thought she was my father's YOUNGER sister. She has taken very good care of herself. But at 84, her age is now catching up to her. It was sad.

When she was discharged Friday night, I had to dress her. I could tell that she was mortified at the thought of having someone else dress her. I tried my best to keep her covered with the gown and the sheets and to not look directly at her. The conversation was so sad. She asked where she was. I told her she was in the hospital. She asked how she got there. I told her by ambulance. She asked where my aunt was. I told her at home. She asked why I was dressing her. I told her it was time to go home. She would protest "but I have clothes on". I would tell her she is wearing a hospital gown. Then she would say OK, I would put her arm through the shirt sleeve. By the time I got to the other arm, she asked me where she was again, and why I was changing her. So sad.

Once my mother and I had her dressed, I bent down to put on her socks and shoes. I felt her hand stroke my hair. I looked up at her. She stroked my face. And then she whispered a prayer for me. She had tears in her eyes. I told her not to worry, and not to thank me. She was going to be just fine.

When we got her home, it was the most touching thing of all. My 95 year old grandfather came to the door and stroked her cheek. He told her he missed her, that he is so happy she is home again, and asked her not to leave him again. He told her that he knows that they only have a short time left in this world together, but that he doesn't want to pass them without her. I was SO touched. I cannot imagine ever being loved like that, but I hope one day I find it. It was beautiful.

Tonight, I went again to visit my grandmother. I went with my family to her home to see how she was doing. When I got there, she held my hand. I sat down with her. She told me she was glad I came, and again she thanked me for taking care of her.

An hour of one on one care and she was so appreciative. I should be doing more for her on a regular basis. I am her granddaughter. I told her not to thank me. I haven't done enough. But I will. My uncle later told me that she didn't stop talking about the fact that I took care of her and dressed her, and tried to make her laugh in the hospital.

Imagine that- she remembered that I tried to make her laugh. And I only gave her a few hours of my time. How sad that I've let so many years pass. I missed so many opportunities to really spend time with her.

I'm so thankful that she made it through this, and thankful that I had an opportunity to see what I needed to see. That time is precious, and that even though life is busy, there are some things that we shouldn't avoid.

Like calling or visiting your 84 year old grandmother.

The Scratched Mirror

I have a mirror hanging on the wall in my kitchen. I purchased this mirror many years back, before the children were born, when my ex and I lived in the condo. I actually liked it when I bought it, and I still like the mirror.

Here is the thing. About two years after I bought the mirror, my ex was in one of his rants and threw something at the wall, hitting the mirror, and putting scratch across it. After that, I couldn't bear to look at the mirror.

When my ex and I moved to our new house together, I put the mirror in an obscure place. I just couldn't bear to look at it anymore. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw the scratch, and it reminded me of the miserable life I was living. My ex was so temperamental, hardly anything lasted without getting damaged or broken. The mirror made me very sad.

When my marriage ended, I packed all my things into my parent's basement. My family helped me pack and move, and to be honest, I barely saw what was coming or going that day. The mirror was packed and moved with my things.

When I moved out of my parents' home one year later, into this home, the mirror was moved here (again by my family). I still did not realize that it was here until a couple of days later when I was unpacking my things. That was when I realized that the mirror had moved with me from my home with my ex, to my parents' home, and now here. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided to put the mirror up in my kitchen. I figured that I was the one who originally picked out the mirror, and I liked it at the time. When I moved here, money was tight, so I could keep the mirror until I could come up with enough money to replace it. I knew one of two things would happen- either I would grow to resent the mirror, in which case I would throw it out, or the scratch would remind me of the life I left behind.

I didn't expect option 3 to happen. As time passed, and this home brought me more and more happiness, I didn't see the scratch on the mirror. In fact, I had forgotten that it existed. Two and a half years have passed, and that mirror has been in the kitchen, and I never saw the scratch. I have either been too busy, or too content with my life to notice it.

Tonight, I was playing a board game with the children at the kitchen table. I looked up and saw the mirror, and noticed the scratch. Seeing the scratch took me back to when I bought the mirror, to the day when it got scratched, and how much I tried to keep it out of sight in the last home.

But most of all, the scratch made me REALLY aware of my freedom today. I mean, that day when he threw the keys against the wall and hit the mirror, I remember being silenced. You never speak when he is that angry. In fact, I would try not to even breathe or move. Silence was the only way to not get hit. Better the mirror than me is what I thought to myself.

But guess what- I haven't had to think like that for four years. Yes I have to make sure he isn't stalking me. But he can't hurt me anymore. And, he can't damage my property. That's pretty good progress isn't it?

Tonight I prayed. I am thankful for everything I have been given. Most of all, I am thankful that I will no longer have to worry about scratches forming on mirrors. I can now focus on more important things, like watching my babies grow up.

A few years from now, when the court case is over, I can actually be totally free. Free of scratches, free of bruises, free of stalking, and free of all of this headache. I will be able to be pseudo-normal. I look forward to that day.

In the meantime, that mirror will remain on my kitchen wall. If nothing else, the scratch inspires me to keep moving forward.

A Restful Day

I woke up at 1pm today. Seriously. I haven't done that in like, forever, like 10 years or something. It was heavenly. Then I chatted online with friends, had breakfast, and watched TV. I am loving the day to myself. The gym closes at 4pm, so I've pretty much missed that, but I don't mind. I've gone almost every day for the past few days, so one day off won't kill me. I do, however feel great now that I have gone back to the gym. My body responds quickly, so I can see the muscle toning coming back. Hooray or muscles!

Anyhow, the children come home at 8pm, so I have a few hours to rest and then I get to see my babies. I am so relaxed and happy today.

What an awesome start to a New Year.

Happy New Year!

And welcome to 2008. As I'm doing this entry, I am home alone, and it is New Year's Eve, and it is peaceful. I had plans for New Year's Eve with Mr. NYC, but he had to go on a last minute business trip. I spent the bulk of the evening with a close friend, and that was nice, and I came home in time to ring in the new year on my own. It's just me, my laptop, and my sparkling apple cider :)

It's funny- I can't help but have a bit of the "Deja Vu" feeling as I sit here and do this post. Last year, when I did my New Year's post, I thought that I had seen the end of most of the hard times, and I was almost certain that 2007 would be "My year". I guess I thought wrong.

Well, I've started a little tradition of looking at the year in review both good and bad. Here are the highlights of 2007:

• My ex got married and separated in a span of 4 months, subjecting my children to all his drama and crap
• He was abusive to his second wife, thereby increasing my concerns around his temperament
  
• He started abusing the children again, resulting in 2 CAS calls, and a full blown court assessment
• I've drained all my finances in court
• We had a re-org at work and I almost left the company as a result. Thankfully, I found a fantastic job internally and and happier than I was before (some silver lining- hooray!)
  
• My relationship with Mr. NYC continues (thank God for some stability)
• My children have started their therapy program
• My children are both in need of special help in school, mostly due to emotional issues

Clearly, 2007 was for the most part, another really bad year. I mean, 2006 was bad with Syd's death and everything else that happened with my ex and all the stalking, and I did have very high hopes for 2007, but things didn't quite go as I had hoped. But here is the good news:

• I haven't lost hope yet- I guess I'm human- I can't help but be hopeful!
  
• I do firmly believe that 2008 will be a better year. In fact, I think it will be my year of closure. This court case will have to come to an end in 2008, so some things will be better off for me, one way or another.
  
• Financially, I am a mess, but I am hoping to put a game plan into place to pay off my legal fees over the next few years.
• Mr. NYC is still in the picture. Thank God for him. He keeps me grounded.
  
• I have my health, and my children have theirs. The rest is all emotional, and we have each other.
• I have fantastic friends, and wonderful family.
• I am a survivor- I have survived the worst emotional crap that anyone can go through and by God's grace, my health is better than ever. Yes, I managed to pay attention to my health this year. Thank God I did that.

Happy New Year. Here is to a bright and happy 2008. Here is to hoping for closure at last...