A Sounding Board

I work out of several different offices. 5 in fact. Most of time I work out of my main office downtown. Some days I feel as if I've spent more time on the subway running between offices than I have in the office itself.

Today I am working out of an office uptown. It's a nice office, and I really love the people here. I've gotten to know them really well over the past 8 years that I've been working in this group, and I guess they've come to trust me, which is actually very flattering. These guys are technical people, and generally speaking, getting technical people to open up to anyone can be...Well....Pretty difficult. Techies tend to be individual workers, and often tend to keep to themselves. I guess over time, many of them have gotten to know me pretty well and have been able to open up to me. It's kind of nice.

So today, I had one of my "presence days". Every now and then, I come here just to be here, to be available and to attend one or two meetings, but for the most part, I'm just here in case they want to chat about our projects and initiatives. Today was a day when everyone seems to have needed to chat. It's one of those days where you can see that everyone needs to let an emotional load off, some of it office related, project related, and some people just had personal matters that have been affecting them in one way or another.

Either way, I'm glad I came here. I'm glad I was here to support all my friends and colleagues, and I'm glad that they trust me enough to open up. It's nice to know that they find support from me (although I'm not sure why they aren't able to support eachother). The information is useful, because I get a better understanding of the issues that impact our initiatives and I can steer around them, and make things better for my colleagues at the same time. It's a win-win situation.

It's really interesting how morale can be so different from one office to the next, given we all work for the same company. I mean, it's actually different from one building to the next. Some of our offices are more laid back, some are more formal, some have serious morale issues, and others are doing pretty well. Thankfully, having seen the world around me within the company, I'm glad to say that I work for one of the better areas of the organization, and for a super fantastic group. That being said, it does sadden me to see my colleagues in other offices going through such a tough time morale wise. It affects productivity, project success, and employee loyalty towards the organization. I wish all people managers would just "get it" and do something about it.

Anyhow, today ended up being a bit draining. As much as I love to be here for everyone else, it is draining mentally and emotionally, especially when you're trying to put out fires in the office in between conversations. Sometimes I wonder how much value I really add by coming up here, and other days I think I should be here more often. I do learn a great deal about internal politics and issues just by listening to others, and Lord knows, I owe major time back to others for all the support I have received from people over the years. I guess it's kind of my payback to my colleagues for the support they gave me in my time of need. It's weird. Some days you want to change the world, and other days, you just wish you could have stayed in bed. Today was a bit of both.

Bye Rich...

I guess I'm having a bit of a sad day. My dear friend Rich is moving to New York. He has been like a real older brother to me. All my life I wished for an older brother to watch out for me, and well, I guess I had one for about a year, and now he's moving. To New York. That's far. Way too far. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm definitely going to visit him, (what, like I would pass up an opportunity to shop in New York?), but really, it's just not going to be the same. I didn't expect to feel this sad...But it has put quite the damper on my day. I'm happy for him because it's a great opportunity and yet...Still kind of down.

I went to visit him this morning. Dropped off a small parting gift, and said goodbye. Promised myself I wouldn't cry. I am like the Niagara Falls when it comes to tears, so I'm proud of myself for staying composed. Rich is the closest thing I've ever had to a real big brother, (right down to the psycho protective nature), so what a loss.

Funny- I have so many great people around me, but I always seem to have to say goodbye at some point or another. Kind of sad. Thank God his wife is still in town for a few more months....She is like a second sister. Thank God for silver lining, and for awesome friends. :-)

Passing Ships

I've been trying to keep busy lately. I guess I've had a lot on my mind. It's weird, I'm going to the gym, going shopping (aka going broke), and passing time with friends. I have some stuff on my plate that I've been avoiding. Well, I guess I just don't want to think about it too much. I'll need to pass a couple off weeks, and then I'll be fine.

It's kind of weird. I haven't felt this way since I was waiting for the GMAT score. That was agonizingly painful. I mean, imagine sitting around for 2 weeks waiting to find out if your test results were good enough to get you into business school. Yes, those were the days of pen and paper exams. Yes I am that old. Man that was brutal. And painful.

So here I am, waiting to pass time. This time, it's a bit different. Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you've been watching the horizon, waiting for a ship, and this time, you can see a ship on the horizon, and it's coming closer? That's where I am with this particular decision....But somehow, I have the feeling this ship is going to just keep on sailing...Like it's going to pass me by.

Normally it would be ok...I mean, I'm a strong individual, and I've dealt with enough in my day. But this time, I have the weird feeling that if I look back on this a few years from now, I might feel like I missed a boat (no pun intended). I mean....I don't know...It's all very weird.

So anyhow...I wait. You know, life is funny sometimes. Just when you think you are about to breathe, you get dealt a whole new deck of cards. How unfair. And to my Muslim friends, yes the ones who refuse to post comments on this blog, but oh-so-gleefully email me or call me with their comments afterwards....What the heck? What about the statement that "after hardship always comes ease?" Am I the anomaly or something? After an 11 year crappy marriage and a 2 year crappy separation...Where is the ease? I'm not getting that verse. Please explain. Sometimes, I think that life just hands you a gyp of a deck of cards. And the deal just doesn't ever get any better.

Spring

Whenever the spring comes, I get the urge to do the detailed house cleaning. I looked around the place last night and realized it's time. I have the urge to dump everything out of all the cupboards, drawers, closets and throw half of it out. Then it will be all re-organized and neat, and all the unnecessary stuff will be gone. I know....These are the thoughts of a crazy woman. The things that go through my head...

I had my friends over for dinner last night. They came with their son, and the children had a fantastic time playing. It's really funny, because this friend is a die hard fan of chicken jalfreezi. Those of you who know Indian food know what it is. Those of you who don't- well - its a yummy Indian chicken dish with green peppers and onions etc. Anyhow...He wanted to try my mom's and mine side by side and see whose was better. My mom thought it was funny so she made hers, I made mine, and we ate both. (My mom and I make the dish differently- go figure). Anyhow, mine won :-) Well, that's what my friend said, but personally I liked my mom's better. I think they were being nice so they wouldn't hurt my feelings, but that's good too. I've been a bit unsure of myself these days so every little bit helps I guess.

Ahh the diary of a crazy woman. Why do you people even bother reading my random thoughts?! Who's crazier, me or you? :-) Ponder that for awhile...

Shoe Shopping

It's April!!! Do you KNOW what that means? I made it to my personal goal!!! Nevermind the fact that I am totally financially a mess these days. Any of you who read 65 Pairs of Shoes in October remember that I promised I would not buy new shoes until April. It's APRIL! Glorious April! And do you know what I did? I bought 3 pairs of shoes! I love meeting personal goals. Oh Happy Day!

So 3 pairs- Black high heeled sandal with a flower on the front, leopard printed sandal (who can resist the leopard?) and casual suede walking shoes, for my practical side. Hooray! Now I have 68 pairs of shoes! Wow....Between this and the pink entry from yesterday, I'm starting to feel a bit airheaded and blonde (no disrespect to my blonde friends). I guess that's the weird thing about me. I can be business minded, book smart and the like, but I can also be a TOTAL girl :-)

I guess that makes me a bit complicated. (Although....I would prefer to position it as interesting) :-) Yes, let's use interesting. It's much more positive than "complicated". Now for the next step- handbag shopping- no - I'm kidding. I'm officially broke. No frills till the ex gets a job and starts paying child support again. No child support means bills are harder to pay, so I do have to hold off. In my own defense, the shoes were on major sale. I won't tell how much but let's just say I did really well. :-)

And besides. I needed to get my mind off some things today which is why the shoe shopping was an absolute must. I did get my mind off those things while I was shopping but I must admit...It's on my mind again. Hmm- maybe shopping therapy doesn't quite last as long as dealing with what's on your mind. Oh well. I'll take shopping therapy any day :-)

Pink

I love pink. It's my absolute favourite colour in the world. I can't explain it, it's just been that way since I was about 12. My daughter is a mini replica of me on this front, because she adores pink too, and I find it so cute. So here we go- a pink blog. I LOVE it. There is something about colour. It can instantly lift your moods. There is something about pink. Whenever I see it, it makes me smile. Instant happiness.

I've been having a really blah morning. Not sure what's wrong with me today. I've had the blinds shut, sitting here just working on my laptop. I figured playing around with the blog colour might make me happy. It did.

Oh- and I'm also waiting for my *PINK* razorphone. Yes, I'm getting one. Hell yeah, it will be pink. I had a colleague at the office joke about how stupid I will look wearing a black business suit and pulling a pink phone out in front of some executive at the office. Quite frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn. It's the happy factor - pink phone it is. Pink phone, pink blog, pink everything. I LOVE it.

Emotional Baggage

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit lately. Emotional baggage is a horrible thing, yet many of us can be haunted by it for such a long period of time. It's weird how for some people, their past can haunt them for life, and yet others are capable of moving on, despite many horrible experiences. I personally have been determined not to be one of the people who gets paralyzed from the things that have happened in my past. The way I see it, if I ever do decide to pursue another relationship, it is not that person's responsibility to deal with my issues. At the end of the day, while there are some people out there who are kind enough to do just that, it truly isn't fair for others to have to deal with my emotional baggage. That is mine, and mine alone to deal with.

I'm hoping that I'm dealing with it in a good way. I've done the therapy thing, I've given myself a two year separation to deal with my ex, and I've given myself the opportunity to like myself again. I even took Oprah's advice. I read an article in one of her magazines where it states that 50% of the power of an abusive relationship comes from the secrecy and the silence. The more you cover it up, the more it haunts you. I took that to heart. I started talking about it, admitting it, dealing with it. Just read this blog from September to now and you'll see the difference. I'm doing the very best I can to be responsible with my life, with my future, with my emotional self. And all issues aside (women can always see things wrong with themselves), I can honestly say that I do like myself now more than I ever have in my life. I mean, I'm not the slimmest I've ever been (after two kids, who is?), nor is my skin as radiant as it was in my 20's, but I can honestly say that I do feel more attractive, and more worthy of happiness than I ever have in my life. I think that's the key- we all need to feel like we are WORTHY of being happy- like we deserve it. This and only this will allow us to achieve true happiness. As long as we feel that we are not worthy of better, we will never be able to find it. I think I'm worthy, and now I'm demanding it.

The people around me have to respect me. They have to genuinely care about me. They have to want the best for me, and they have to be willing to return as much love to me as I give to them. It's not about reciprocation exactly, but it is about not allowing myself to be anyone's personal punching bag ever again. Whether that be physically or emotionally, it doesn't matter. If you can't give me something that contributes to a friendship or relationship, if you are here just to drain me and be a parasite, I will show you the door. That is my vow to myself.

I have family members who have felt the difference. I haven't had to say a word. There was no "you make me feel crap about myself" discussion. I just became busy. Too busy to call, too busy to be around, too busy to allow myself to get hurt. And it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I'm doing it. I'm glad I'm strong enough to walk away. I do, however have a small handful of friends to thank for my strength. You know who you are.

So- Here is to responsibility, to taking care of ourselves, to allowing ourselves to be happy- NO- To ensuring that we are happy. Anything shy of that would just be wrong.

First Phone Call

My son received his first telephone call from a friend. It's not that he hasn't spoken on the phone before, because he has, many times. But usually, the telephone conversations he has are with relatives, or my girlfriend's children during my call. I was really surprised when the phone rang and a little voice enquired if my son was home and available to talk.

I called him to the phone. His eyes were wide and he exclaimed, "It's for me? Really? Who is it?" I told him it was his friend from school, and he just beamed. I handed him the phone and listened to him talking. He told his friend he was really excited to hear from him. He said "isn't this exciting? We're talking on the phone and it's not school time, and we're school friends". It was really cute. My son told his friend that they were best friends, and that they would be for life. Very cute.

I have heard my son speak of this friend before. My son speaks of him fondly. But it was different to have the phone ring and to have a little voice ask for my son. I guess this is just the beginning. When he hits high school, I'm sure I'll be begging him to get off the phone, since I've been there, and my experience tells me that that's how it always goes with teenage kids. In the meantime, I'll sit back and enjoy the excitement with my son who is now proud that his friends are calling and visiting his home. This is after all, our home together.

Maybe I'll have to think of changing the names on my answering machine to reflect that this is not just my home, but the children's home as well. My little babies are growing up.

Indifference

I was reading a magazine and I read an article on indifference. I think a friend commented about this very topic to me before. This particular article was about relationships in general. It talked about relationships when they go bad, or how you know that a relationship is bad from the start. It talked about how you can know if someone loves you, or when you know that they just do not.

Basically, the article was talking about love. It said that most people mistakenly believe that the opposite of love is hate. I am one of those people, who before reading the article, thought that as well. But it's not true. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

This was a major "aha" for me. I think for all those years, I waited for signs of hate from my ex. I waited for the wrong thing. I mean aside from the fact that a blow to the face should have been enough to make me walk in the first place, I think the absence of real hate was what kept me there. Allow me to explain.

I always saw my ex's temper as just that- his temper. I saw it as a key issue for him, but always saw it as something he was battling, but not as something that was specific towards me alone. He never hit or threw things because he hated me, he did it because he's a temperamental man with really unacceptable and uncontrollable behavior. He never hated me, in fact, in many ways he did care about me, and in other ways, he just did not. The fact that I didn't see any signs of "hate" made me think that perhaps there was a way that he could change, get better, and get over his issues. I clearly thought wrong. But here's another thing.

There was the indifference. I never noticed it before, but I always knew it was there. He didn't care what I did unless it directly affected him. He didn't care to respond to my feelings unless I specifically asked him to. He just didn't care. Indifference. The opposite of love is indifference. If you don't love someone, you don't care about them- what they do doesn't affect you either way. It just doesn't matter to you. You can live without them, you can do without them, you can pass the time without them. It just doesn't matter.

Here's another kicker. You can't make someone love you. You can't really change indifference. I have a friend who has been acting somewhat indifferent lately, and it was really bothering me. Now I get it. I need to walk away from these friendships and relationships. I need to protect myself from the indifference if it comes in close relationships- close friends, relationships, family. If a person is indifferent towards you, it 's the opposite of love, so get over it and move on. I think that's what I'm seeing with this particular friend. Indifference. WOW - it's so lethal, yet we are so slow to see it. Not this time through. No thanks.

Indifference on its own is not a bad thing. We are often indifferent with colleagues, or acquaintances, and rightly so. But it should NEVER be that way with friends, partners or family. NEVER. And if it is, we need to re-evaluate things. I'm going to do just that, and moving forward, I'm going to be walking with my eyes open on this front. Wide open. No more indifference from close relationships. Acquaintances yes, co-workers yes. Family, friends, significant others, NEVER again. Here's to learning from our mistakes.

Spring colds

It is almost amusing how I can last the whole winter and fall season without getting sick and then boom- spring comes and I catch a cold. What is up with that? Neither of us- myself or the children got sick this winter, so that's good news. Today, I feel under the weather, and I can see my son starting to catch something. Fortunately, I usually bounce back in 24-48 hours.

So today, I am at home. It's weird. This month, between vacation time, Easter days off and now this, I've spent a lot of time at home. I'm partially working today. I'll spot check email, but I intend to spend the bulk of the day in bed, sleeping this off.

It takes me back to high school. When I would get sick, my friends from school would come out of class and phone me all day long. I would get flowers and visits. The best part of the day was when my dad would come home, because he would run up the stairs to greet me first, kiss my forehead, ask how I was doing and then proceed to wash up before dinner. Dad would ask me if he could bring me my dinner to my room, and often he would sit and talk with me while I ate.

I miss those days. I mean the biggest responsibility was passing school tests, and really that was nothing at all. Funny- as you get older, you feel the effects of real responsibility. I mean, I'm sick and I'm home on my own. Nobody's going to make my chicken soup, nobody's going to bring me a lunch tray. And why should they? I'm a grown woman, and I can fend for myself. My ex didn't even do stuff like that, except perhaps occasionally, but not all that often. I've come not to expect it, and to understand that this is how life is as you get older.

I do fully intend to continue to dote on my children when they are sick, so that when they grow up and look back at their younger years, they will have the same fond memories that I have today.

Children in the Home Office

I'm working from home today. I had a last minute child care glitch with my ex who was supposed to watch the children so I could go in to work. He says he has the flu, although I'm a bit skeptical (I know- that sounds so mean). I'm just not sure. Part of me is so tempted to call the insurance company and find out if any meds were filled under his name this weekend. The other part says don't bother wasting your time.

So, I've decided to switch my Friday and Monday around this week and work from home today. I'll go into the office on Friday. The only difference is that the children are home with me, which does make conference calls etc a bit more complicated, but I'm sure I'll manage. I always make do with whatever situation comes my way.

As for me, I had a nice weekend. As it turns out, since my ex was sick, I ended up having the children with me for pretty much the whole weekend. That was a bonus. I enjoyed the time with them, and they seem to have enjoyed the time with me. I love it when they reassure me about my parenting. Last night when I was putting them to bed, my daughter whispered in my ear "Mommy- why are you so nice to us, is it because you want us to love you?". My reply "No baby, I'm nice to you because you're my baby and because I will always love you no matter what. It's not to make you love me, it's because I love you". Her smile lit up the room and melted my heart.

If I accomplish nothing else in this world, at least I know that I will have been able to give security and happiness to my innocent 4 year old daughter, at a point in her life where things are changing so often, and personal security is of critical importance to her development. That is just golden.

Missing from the List?

I was with some friends yesterday and I had a bit of an "Aha" moment. I realized something. When I did my post a couple days ago about the 15 things that make me happy, there is one thing that isn't on there. My job. That might not be a surprise to anyone else, but it's an enormous surprise to me. Here's why.

I actually love my job. I love the company I work for, and the people I work with. I love what I do on a day to day basis. I enjoy it. But when I did the list, my job didn't come to mind. And now that I'm sitting here and re-evaluating, I still wouldn't add it to the list. The big deal here is that two years ago, my job would have been on top of the list. Two years ago, I was in a marriage so bad that my only retreat was work. I would go in at 6am and come home anywhere from 6-9pm. Anything to stay away from home. Life was miserable, and the office was my haven. In those days, I would have said that my job was the most important thing in my life, and one of the few things that brought me joy (that and of course my children).

Today, my job is still important to me, and I still enjoy it very much. I am NOT one of those people who gets up and says "oh God, now I have to go to the office". I don't mind it at all. The interesting thing is that I have found other sources of joy and happiness such that the office is now a means to an end, not the end in itself. And yes, while I do enjoy it, there are many other things that I enjoy a heck of a lot more. I wonder how this list will look in another two years? What a thought....

I always knew that leaving this marriage would be good for me. I always knew that I would be better off. And while I have the material things to show for it, the house, the car, the lifestyle, it doesn't hit you as hard as evaluating the softer elements....Like the fact that just two short years later, my perspective has changed so very much. Now THAT's progress.

What Doesn't Scar You for Life Will Make You Stronger

I guess that pretty much sums it up. Today's personal thought- why do some experiences scar us for a long period of time (like years), and others somehow make us stronger? I have several friends who are separated or divorced and while some people had worse experiences than others, it's hard to tell which of us will heal, and which of us will have a harder time healing. I'm wondering what the magic formula actually is.

Why do some people manage to move on from traumatic experiences, while others are haunted by them? Is it luck of the draw? Is it denial that makes the problem prolonged for an extended period of time? What can we as people do to help things along, and how do we know if what we are doing will be enough, say, several years from now?

Healing is a funny process. We can't always know what will make us heal. We can't know what mistakes we are making until after we have made them. Life is so funny sometimes.

Either way, I'm hoping that I'm on a good track to permanent healing. I think I am. I mean, while I feel a bit sad in a nostalgic way that my 11 year marriage is coming to an end, I am, at the same time, very much relieved, and have no desire to go back. That has to be a good sign. I'm also very much ready to move on and enjoy life, whatever that may entail.

I just realized this- I am no longer having those nightmares about the abuse. Somehow during the 3 weeks that I took off work, the nightmares stopped. My sleeping patterns aren't perfect, but at least they are no longer traumatic. That has to be a good sign.

Yep, I think I'm on my way. Everything seems to be falling in place. Naturally, I can't know for sure until several years have passed, but I'm hoping that I'm doing all the right things. If nothing else, moving on in a healthy way has been a top priority for me. Thank God I managed to finally recognize the importance of self care.

15 Things that Make me Happy

I thought I'd do this just for fun:
- My children's hugs and kisses
- A day spent in the company of a good friend
- Flowers
- Chocolate
- Shopping
- Finding money (like left in a purse in the closet)
- Travelling
- A good night's sleep
- Cuddling under a big blanket and watching a movie
- Receiving a sincere compliment
- Knowing I was able to help someone and they appreciated it
- Sunshine
- Looking in the Mirror and being ok with how I look
- Giving someone a present
- Receiving a present

I guess that actually tells a lot about me. That was fun. So, I'm going to buy myself flowers every week, and chocolate once a month. I'm going to make it a point to open the blinds in the morning, let the sunshine in, and bask in the glory of receiving hugs and kisses from my little ones while I let the sun shine through.

Aaaahhh. The little things in life. If I hadn't done this, I may not have realized how easy it is to add just a touch of happiness into each and every day. :-)

Dis-Engage

I had a great chat with my good friend Graham. Graham and I were talking about my ex, his recent stunts, and my reaction to all of them. His basic answer- I need to learn to dis-engage.

My ex manages to loop me into these weird issues. My ex manages to get me all worked up and I end up wasting too much mental energy. Graham says that I need to think of it as a lab experiment. My ex just wants attention. If he gets attention, it will reinforce his behavior. If I ignore all his attempts for attention, it will stop his behavior. What I've been doing is intermittently giving in. Graham says this is the worst, because it not only reinforces the behavior but makes it happen more often as well. Graham believes that if I ignore my ex, he will find someone else to bother. Interesting theory. So, for the next few weeks, no matter how difficult he gets, I'm going to ignore it. Hopefully he will go away. So that means no replies to emails, phone calls, or conversations. Let's see how this goes. I suck at this game. I'm not a game player. I am always honest and straight with people. This just feels wrong.

Anyhow, enough about him. The world is a puzzling place sometimes. Just when I think that my ex was the only puzzling guy on the planet, I realize, they're all a bit puzzling in their own way. I have some friends etc that have taught me that. I guess the joke is on me. I always thought life would be easier once I left my ex. I thought the world would be easy to understand. I thought wrong. I just realized...I guess all humans are puzzling in different ways. There are very few people left that can be read like an open book. Well, except for me, that is. And now I'm starting to realize that it's not necessarily a good thing. There are some serious benefits in having a poker face. Being naive like myself is the same as being stupid, and being an open book makes me naive as well as vulnerable. What a bad combination.

So, here is my new goal- I'm going to try to be a little less open, honest, and trusting. I think I am setting myself up to be hurt way too often in life. I think I need to learn to be just a little bit more private about things (well, except maybe in this blog, this is my venting space)...

Let's see how long this will last. My guess is that I'll get tired and drained from acting all private, but either way, let's see. Maybe, if nothing else, it will protect me in the future. I did like the person that I am, but I'm also realizing that who I am is a good part of the reason why I get hurt so often in life. Dis-engaging from the world is not necessarily a bad idea. Thanks Graham.

Why are Relationships so Fickle?

I've been wondering about this one for awhile. And before anyone asks, it's not about being bitter. I actually don't think that I am bitter at all. I think the experiences that I've had have taught me a great deal about life, about the importance of valuing a good thing when you have it, and of walking away if you're in a really bad situation. All important lessons. It is unfortunate that I had to learn them the way that I did, but I'm a stronger and better person as a result.

Being another divorce statistic has, however, got me wondering why this is so common. I mean, I look around me and divorce is so common here in North America. I have friends who are married to amazing guys and want to leave because, well "He's a lot of fun, we get along great, but I just don't love him anymore." This is just so lame. I guess the fact that you have children is irrelevant. Couldn't you have figured out that you don't love him BEFORE you married him? What the heck?

And there are people like myself who pathetically hold on for 11 years, only to realize that while people are capable of change, you cannot force another person to change, nor can you put yourself in a bad situation while you wait or hope for them to realize that they need to change.

Let's open a whole other can of worms and bring up the amount of people that get divorced as a result of having an affair. These are the people who just should never have gotten married in the first place. Really, if you don't have the maturity to deal with relationship issues, and your solution is to have an affair, you shouldn't even be allowed to marry.

And then, there is the other category. The people who are afraid to marry. I'm not saying that I don't understand this sentiment, given how high divorce rates are these days. But I've met some genuinely nice people who would be awesome husbands or wives and just don't marry because they are afraid of making a mistake. It's all so very sad. I almost wish we could somehow pick out all the good people, set them up with eachother, find all the cheaters, set them up with eachother, and find all the rest and let them fend for themselves. But I guess the world just doesn't work that way.

People have very little integrity these days, especially where relationships are concerned. They are afraid of being honest. They are afraid of showing their true feelings. They are either too afraid of commitment, or don't take it seriously and end up messing things up. What a sad, sad state. It almost makes me want to stay single forever. I said ALMOST.

And that is the kicker. We as humans are almost programmed to keep looking for that match...To keep hoping that one day, we will find the perfect person, knowing full well that perfection doesn't even exist. And then when we marry or get into a relationship, we realize we haven't found perfection (well duh!) and we kill whatever we do have. It's actually quite sad.

No I'm not depressed, nor am I being pathetic. Just observing. I think this world needs a good dose of integrity. I think people need to learn what a commitment is, and they need to understand the importance of appreciating what you do have, and counting your blessings when you have it. (Rant Over) :-)

Back to the Ratrace

Well, I'm back to work. Since I haven't been able to blog, I guess everyone can guess how insanely busy it's been. Just trying to get through the pile of email hell.

For the first time in my life, I actually envy people who get to stay home. When I first took the time off, I wondered what I will do with myself, how will I pass through 3 weeks without a trip planned, or work to do, and without getting bored? To be honest, the time passed well, and I enjoyed myself. My journaling and blogging even helped me learn a thing or two about myself.

On another note, on Sunday, I learned some rather disappointing news from my ex. He took the liberty of telling the children that we filed for divorce, and that mommy and daddy will "no longer be married". I think this was rather unfair, as this type of information would have been easier for the children to hear if it had come from both of us. I always envisioned sitting down with them together to tell them the news. I just thought that would be the most humane way to handle things. The joke, as always, is on me. (When will I learn???)

So, not only did my charming ex take the liberty of breaking the news to the children without my presence, or without consulting me, but he also took the liberty of telling them that their mother and father will likely move on and re-marry and that would mean that the children would likely have a stepmom and stepdad one day. I'm sure I don't need to tell anyone what that did to the children.

WHY on earth would anyone tell the children so much at once? Why would you bring potential future partners into the picture when neither of us is even in that space at the moment? Why would you handle the situation in such an insensitive way? These are children...This is not a game.

I'm not surprised that this happened. Nothing surprises me anymore. I can, however, very honestly say that I am very disappointed. I actually had hoped that if nothing else, my ex's love for his children would at least keep him on track, now I'm starting to wonder if that's the case.

It's funny. My doctor once told me that something about danger to children always brings out the tigress in a woman. He said that even the most gentle of women can find strength in themselves to do things that they normally wouldn't where the children are concerned. I had hoped that this would apply to all parents across the board. I'm starting to wonder if it's true that women have a softer spot for their children than men do. I know that this is a very unfair generalization, and I'll probably get slammed by many of my male friends for saying it, but right now, that's what I'm wondering. I'm not saying that men don't care about their children, or that they are bad parents. I know some absolutely fantastic fathers. I'm saying that I think women are more sensitive around the emotional state of their children. Maybe that old stereotype about women being the carers/nurturers isn't so very far off the mark. Maybe I'm wrong...It's just a thought. Any takers on this one?

Mentally Preparing for Monday

Well, this is it. It's Sunday morning. I had a weird stomach bug this weekend, and my sleep patterns are messed up. I need to get my sleep on track before Monday. I'm trying to mentally prepare for the fact that in just over 24 hours, I will be going back into the office after 3 weeks off.

I'm glad I took the time off. I definitely needed it. I'm glad I went to the gym. I'm glad the divorce papers have finally been signed. I'm hoping that the 3 weeks off was enough for me to be able to focus on work yet again. Part of me has missed the office, and the other part has really needed the break so badly. I've never been able to turn the blackberry off and not even be tempted to turn it on again. This was a first for me. The last time I took a few days off (in January), I had to hide the blackberry in the bottom of one of my clothing drawers to keep it out of sight, out of mind. This time, the blackberry was in my night-table, and it wasn't out of sight, but was definitely out of mind. This may not sound like a big deal to most of you, but for me, this is a huge deal. To be able to mentally disconnect from the office like this, without looking back, well, that is a first. I'm hoping I'll be able to keep it up.

That being said, I do miss the routine. In just 3 short weeks, I've lost track of dates etc. Part of the problem is that the blackberry is also my calendar. Without the calendar, I'm a bit disorganized. Time seems to just fly by. It's funny- the last time I was like this was when I was on mat leave. Mat leave taught me that I'm a person that needs structure on a regular basis, or I have trouble keeping organized.

So, here's my plan for Sunday- gym, laundry, pack lunches, spend time with the kids, and prepare for Monday. Sounds like a good wind down day to me. Monday at the office will be nuts catching up on everything. I'm sure I'll be bombarded with emails, meetings etc.

On another note, my knee seems to have healed well, so I'll be able to start taking the train into work again. That means I can clear my email on the way in. Ahhh, I missed my efficient side :-)

Trust

I had a conversation about trust with a friend last night. It was actually an interesting conversation. I learned something about trust. For me, trust has always been around things like maintaining eachother's confidence, never lying to eachother, and on a personal note, knowing that the other person wouldn't hurt you physically.

My friend pointed out another kind of trust that I've taken for granted all these years. It's an emotional trust around how information is used. If I tell you something very personal about myself, I am trusting that you would never use that information against me when it becomes useful to you. For example, if I tell you that I am insecure about something, I am trusting that you wouldn't use that insecurity to your advantage say, in an argument or something. I've never thought of this one before, but it's true...And to be honest, I think people hurt eachother on this level more often than they should.

Try counting how many people around you have NOT done this to you at one point or another. So far, in my life, I can only think of three people. One is a dear friend from the office, and two are friends that I made more recently, within the past year, (so in honesty, this could change in time). It's funny because it happens so often we almost come to accept it as the norm, but it shouldn't be.

I'm actually not complaining, just reflecting. Given my experiences over the past 15 years or so, I'm trying to see what I need to look for in life to make sure that I'm as "safe" emotionally and physically as I need to be, and that I'm ensuring that those around me feel equally as "safe" with me as I do with them. Emotional "safety" is such a luxury these days, because it's so hard to find.

I'm going to add this form of trust to my list. I thank my friend for the valuable discussion. Hopefully, I'll live up to this standard for those around me. Only then will I be worthy of expecting it from others.

What Would you Say to Your 20 Year Old Self?

This is a really interesting question. I was reading the Oprah Magazine (yes, I am an Oprah Winfrey fan). In the last issue, she asked women to write down what advice they would give to themselves, if they could write a note to their 20 year old self. This got me thinking. What would I say? What advise would I give?

Admittedly, the past 14 years or so have been incredibly draining. If I would ask myself would I do it all again, the answer is no, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But then again, there are many things that happened along the way that I am incredibly grateful for, things that have made me who I am today. And for the record, I like the person that I am. I know that may seem arrogant, but I don't mean it in an arrogant way. I actually have a clear conscience and I know that I have always done my very best. There is some peace in that, and I like that I've stuck to my principles all along.

So, to my 20 year old self, I think I would say the following; some are obvious, and some may not be obvious. Some are things I've learned over time, and others I should have known all along:

-never ever let anyone hurt you physically. It is not acceptable, and if you tolerate it, you teach others that it's ok
-Staying in a bad marriage is not an honourable thing to do. There is no "marriage cookie" at the end of the game. It's not a sign of strength, it's a sign of someone who is not capable of taking care of herself
-Allow yourself to be human. We all make mistakes. Mistakes are not bad, as long as we learn from them. Don't beat yourself up over little things
-Admitting that you don't know something/don't understand something is not a sign of stupidity. It's a sign of confidence (it took me a really long time to learn this one)
-Our inner voices are very strong, and have a lot of control over how we think and feel. Never allow that voice to get too negative.
-Marrying someone for "love" alone is not enough. There are other factors- trust, compatibility, temperament, outlook on life. All of these matter equally as much as love. And for the record, just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that they love you back
-You will know someone really loves you when you know with confidence that they would do anything to protect you, and when you know you can trust them. Never settle for anything less than that
-Religion is not about rituals. If you are hung up on rituals, you don't get it.

Wow....Little learnings. They seem so obvious. I think my 20 year old self should have known these things, but she didn't. My 34 year old self knows them, but it took all of my experiences to teach me these things. I wonder who I would have been had I not taken the path I took? Would I have been better off, or am I better off today? Isn't that a funny question? I actually think the things I like about myself came to me as a result of some of the bad experiences I had in marriage etc. Life is funny. There is always silver lining.

Baby Talk

Children can be so comical. I do have to say the entertainment factor is loads of fun. I picked up my son from the babysitter today and then we went together to get my daughter from the Montessori school. Those of you who know my daughter know full well that she is the typical girly-girl. Everything is pink, and everything has to be just like a princess. We arrived at the school apparently 5 minutes after she had finished combing her precious long brown hair. My son, who was excited to see her, ran to her and gave her a big hug. After the hug, she put her hand flat on his chest and said "I know you love me, but PLEASE DO NOT touch my hair. I just finished combing it and making it pretty. You need to keep your hands away from me. Just smile and say hello".

I was shocked. Firstly, this was a bit rude and hurtful to my son, and secondly, to see this from a four year old was kind of sick, and kind of funny too. (I know, I feel bad admitting that I was somewhat amused by it, but I guess you had to be there). My son looked at her and said- "you may look pretty, but you are so lucky others cannot smell you." Then she looked at me, waiting for a response. "Well honey, you did kind of hurt his feelings. I thinks hugs are way more important than hair don't you?". I watched her apologize, hug her brother and ask him to forgive her for "not having princess behaviour". I'm rolling my eyes as I'm typing this :-) The drama of a four year old girl. :-)

So, my big accomplishment for today was finishing my taxes and going to the gym. Hooray for accomplishments. I feel like I had a really productive day, so that's good. Chalk one up for the non-existent TO-DO list ;-)

Back Online

Well, that wasn't so bad. I contacted our tech support department, and they were able to replace the motherboard for my laptop. Given, it took a drive downtown, and a few hours of my time, but as a side benefit, I did get to go shopping and have dinner with a friend this evening, so that made the drive out to Toronto worth it. :-)

It's funny- when I spoke to tech support, they told me that it would cost about $800 to fix the computer, and asked if I needed authorization first. I told them that unless they wanted me not to do any more work ever again, I was pretty sure it was ok to proceed. Just bill my cost centre. I mean honestly, what a stupid question. It's not like there is even the possibility that someone in the office would say "no, let's not fix the computer. As punishment, you don't get to do any more work", or better yet "since you're computer doesn't work anymore, we've decided to give you a pink slip". Honestly, sometimes I wonder what people are really thinking when they come up with those screening questions.

So here I am, Monday night. Four more days of vacation left. Back to work next Monday. This went by way too fast. In some ways, I feel like I did nothing at all, in other ways, a lot has happened since I was in the office. Either way, I am partly looking forward to going back, and partly wishing I had more time at home.

If I look at the key accomplishments (so far) for the time off, it would be:
1) Signing the divorce papers
2) Getting the gym routine re-started
3) Getting a good start at re-decorating my bedroom
4) Actually taking time off without making a to-do list. There are days where I read magazines and days where I stared at the ceiling. And, there have been times where I met with friends etc. I can honestly say that I did my very best not to be stressed.

If all goes according to plan, I'll file my taxes tomorrow. Ok - that is a "to do" item, but you can't blame me for having one :-)

Never Cry Over Spilled Milk

Well, this is fun. I have to keep reminding myself that as wonderful as children can be and as responsible as we think they often are, children are, at the end of the day, still children. I am the mother who tries not to get angry over mistakes. My girlfriend from the office stayed at my place one night and seemed a bit surprised to see my reaction when my daughter toppled over her glass of milk and smiled. My daughter confidently informed her, "It's ok. Accidents happen. Mommy won't get mad. We just have to clean it up". I've tried to live my life avoiding an incident over the small things. After all, children will be children, and they model after our behaviour and responses to situations.

Yesterday afternoon, my children were having a snack and I was sitting at the table with them, typing away on my laptop. My company laptop. My son was telling a story and in an excited moment, with one hand gesture, he knocked over the glass of milk. Milk spilled under the laptop, and the part that went flying, spilled into the keyboard. I lifted up my laptop only to find it dripping milk. The laptop turned off (naturally), and will not turn on again. Great, I think it's toast.

My son froze and then spoke up "Mommy- are you going to get fired for this?" Honestly, sometimes the things children think about are just amazing. Why a little child should fear losing his home is beyond me.

"No baby, I won't get fired, but I may get into a bit of trouble for this, because the office will have to get this fixed. Please be more careful next time, OK honey?". "Mommy, it was an accident", "I know baby, but sometimes accidents cause big problems, so we need to always be careful".

Perhaps I shouldn't have told him this, but he's 6 years old, and yes, although it is an accident, it will have consequences. I think consequences are important for children to understand. We can have a long debate on this one, but that's where I stand. He apologized, and I told him not to worry, and that we will try to see if I can get this fixed.

This takes me back to my last laptop mishap, when my son was about 3. I went to answer the telephone and he gleefully plucked all the keys and pegs out of my laptop. When I got off the phone, I was mortified to see what he had done. I had to put all the keys in a ziploc and take them into the office. When the tech guy asked me what happened I asked him if he wanted the truth or the lie. When he asked for truth, I told him what had happened. He chuckled and said, "I can't put that on the report to replace a $500 keyboard. Give me the lie". "Um, I dropped it?", "Good enough".

I'm not sure what I'm going to say to them this time. I mean, what will my colleagues say if they find out what happened? It's honestly a bit embarrassing, not to mention that my laptop hasn't been backed up on the server for over 2 weeks, so I will end up losing a lot of data. Either way, I'll have to find a way to get it into the office this week so I can have it up and running by the time I get back in. It's a major inconvenience to be without a computer, I mean, I'll feel like I'm in the dark ages again. Then again, perhaps it will be a nice way to end my last week away from the office. Maybe I'll just consider it silver lining. :-)

Downtown for a Day

I spent the day downtown. It's a weird feeling to be walking around the area where I work in the middle of the office day, watching people walk by in business suits, while I'm strolling in my jeans. It was also delicious at the same time. Yes, I feel a little evil for saying it, but then again...It's the truth.

I met up with a friend and we picked out an awesome pair of Gucci Sunglasses. I love them. Consider it a little gift to myself. After that, I met a girlfriend for sushi. I haven't seen her for a week and a half, and I was seriously going through withdrawal symptoms (missed catching up with her), so it was nice to have lunch and chat. I also met up with my friend Graham after that, and then I went to my chiropractor for an adjustment and to my RMT for a massage. Not bad for a day downtown huh?

In the evening I met up with a friend, and we hung out for awhile, and then had dinner together. I always enjoy this friend's company, so it was nice to spend the evening that way.

My chat with my friend Graham was an interesting one. Graham is a therapist by trade, so my catch up sessions with him feel a lot like therapy sessions, but that's another day's discussion :-).

We were talking about behavior patterns of humans in general. He said that I've spent my past focusing on what people think, what the world thinks, and that this has had the strongest control over me. His interesting observation is that it's starting to shift, that I'm making decisions that are right for me and starting to ignore the input of the world around me. He said that we as humans need to keep an eye on where the locus of control is in our lives. People whose locus of control comes from outside themselves (ie-from other people)- will never actually achieve true happiness, because you can never fully satisfy the needs of an external party. People whose locus of control is internal, meaning it comes from within themselves, these people have true control over their lives and are better positioned to achieve true happiness, because the needs of the external parties are almost irrelevant to them. Interesting perspective. I'm going to keep an eye on this one...

Time to Myself

"If you can come through the snow and the rain and the sleet, you know you can make it easily when the sun is out and everything is all right."
-Malcom X

Today was a day for myself. I went to the gym for a longer period of time, came home, had a snack, and read some magazines. I'm just spending the day relaxing, trying not to think about too much.

I like this quote from Malcom X. I think it fits. I mean, I've been through 11 years of emotional turmoil, and its finally almost over. It's just paperwork and legal administration now. I feel calm. I feel a bit empty. But calm, and optimistic I would say. After all, nothing is worse than what I went through. If I survived that and made it out, I'm sure I can survive just about anything. The road ahead can only get better.

It's kind of weird, but I've been thinking a lot, and if I haven't missed my ex during our two years of separation, it's obvious that there isn't anything much left there, and that it's been over emotionally for quite some time. The rest is now up to me. Where I go, what I do, I can now make my own decisions. I do, however, want him to be really happy. There is no point in being toxic with each other. If he's happy, my children will be happy and so will I. I've never been the type of person who can stand seeing anyone hurt or upset, so I will be better off if he does well with his life.

As for me, my good friend once reminded me that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm not sure what the future will hold for me, but there are two things; no matter what, I'm going to make sure I continue to live my life with integrity, and number two, I'm going to learn from this experience. I don't know if life will give me a second chance at a relationship, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if it matters, unless I can be confident that it would be the right one for me, and that I wouldn't let history repeat itself. Here's to learning and moving on, whatever that might entail.

A Difficult Process

I spoke to my ex last night and he was adamant that he was not going to sign the papers just yet, that he was ready to go to court and hash out everything all over again. That was a very stressful conversation, and I went to sleep expecting a not so pleasant day today.

This morning at 9:30 I received a phone call from my ex. We had a really pleasant chat and agreed to sign the divorce papers today, together. I picked him up from his house, drove to the lawyer, and we signed the papers. The lawyer said he had to draft some affidavits, and that we would have to come back in another 30 days to sign those, and then it would take 2 months after that for things to finalize. I was shocked. I basically told the lawyer to draft the affidavits now, while we wait, and that we would sign them within the hour. I offered to take my ex for lunch while we waited. (What- like you think it would have been easy to get him back to the lawyer's to sign a second set of documents?). The lawyer reluctantly agreed.

I didn't notice my ex put on his sunglasses while signing the documents. I didn't notice his silence, because I was silent too. I mean, signing away a 17 year relationship, and an 11 year marriage was hard to do. I'm not saying that I regret it, because it needed to be done, but it was difficult nonetheless.

When we got to the car, I noticed his tears. I've only ever seen him cry once, so that was a bit difficult for me. I held his hand, we went to the restaurant, ate lunch, chatted a bit about some of the nice times we shared, went back to the lawyers, signed the second set of documents, and came home. All in all, I would say that we got a lot accomplished today, but that it was emotionally draining, and very "heavy".

One nice thing...When we had lunch, he did say some nice and reassuring things. He said that this was tougher for him, because I was a great wife, he told me that it would be difficult to move on after being with someone as caring as myself, and that he knows he was lucky to have been with me. He said that I was for all purposes as close as anyone can come to being the "perfect wife". I'll take all this as a compliment, because I do believe he was being sincere.

He thanked me for having integrity throughout the separation. I'm glad he acknowledged this today. My close friends know that integrity is something that was important to me throughout this process, and that I always maintained that I had to be able to walk away with "a clean heart". His words reassured me that I will be able to do just that.

The finishing touch- the message on my fortune cookie that made us both laugh... "You are never bitter, deceptive, or petty". Words to live by. I'm going to keep this fortune cookie message in my scrapbook. It was a nice reminder to receive during a very difficult process. I'm glad I'm making it through.

Relaxing

I would say today was the first day since my time off that I've actually relaxed. I spent the day with a friend and we had a really nice time. We hung out, had lunch at my place, rented a movie, chatted and then went shopping. I didn't even think of anything stressful. My friend asked for an update on my situation with my ex, but that was about it. It was a nice change.

I spent this evening drafting up a legal agreement around child support. I'll be sending it to my ex tonight, but not signing it until he signs the divorce papers. He's still pushing back on signing those, so this child support agreement is the last card I have left.

As for me, I'll be heading to the lawyer tomorrow to sign the divorce papers. Let's see how that goes. I'm anticipating that seeing my ex's lawyer again won't be the most enjoyable of experiences, seeing that he helped my ex gauge me for money, but since I am hoping this will all soon be over, I'm sure the hour or so in his office should be somewhat bearable. My next step is to convince my ex to go in and sign, and the rest should be smooth sailing (keep your fingers crossed folks)...

Benefit of the Doubt?

OK- It's noon. No divorce papers yet, and I've been sitting at home all day waiting. So I called my ex and he said that his lawyer is in court all day and that he doesn't have an answer for me. He said I'll get served anytime between today and Monday.

Well, I'm not prepared to sit at home all weekend so I looked up his lawyer's number and just called their office. The main lawyer from the firm came to the phone (not my ex's lawyer, but the owner of the firm), and said that he didn't know of any papers being served today. I asked if he was sure and he said that it could be possible that I'm getting papers, but if I am, he doesn't know about it. His recommendation- don't sit at home waiting for the divorce papers. If he finds out anything, he'll call me before sending them to my home. If I'm not going to be here, he can arrange for me to pick them up from his office.

So I asked him "are the papers even drafted?" and he said he couldn't answer my question. I've left a message for the other lawyer to call me, but he won't be in until 3pm. This does not sound good at all.

Honestly, if this is another one of my ex's scams, I'm seriously not going to be civil anymore. I think I've been very patient and courteous and fair....But this is just getting to be too much.

..................................

Well, this is interesting. I just got off the phone with my ex's lawyer. It's now 3:29 PM. He said he has no clue why I was told the papers would be served, because they aren't even ready, nor has my ex seen them, nor has he signed them. This is nice, isn't it. Oh the games that people play.

So here's what I've done. I've told him to prepare the documents and that I will come in to sign them on Tuesday morning. That way, there is no back and forth with mailing. Also, the lawyer said he never received the marriage certificate, although I gave it to my ex a few weeks ago. Without it, they cannot file. I've instructed my ex to give the certificate back to me so I can personally give it to the lawyer.

In the meantime, I've called my ex, told him to go with me on Tuesday to sign the papers. He said no. If I don't want to see him, he doesn't want to see me. I told him that if he won't sign the papers, I'll have to go to the courts for support money. My guess- I think he'll go with me to sign the papers on Tuesday. I feel horrible being this nasty. I just don't feel like I have many options left. I've been patient, I've been nice, and I've tolerated a great deal. But really, enough is enough.

On the plus side, the lawyer did say that if we both sign the papers together, it can be filed as a joint petition which means it gets processed much faster. Hooray for silver lining. Ok- so now I wait till Tuesday. Hey- it could have been worse. I could have been sitting at home all weekend waiting to be "served". Now I just have to make sure my ex goes in to sign them.

Parent-Teacher Interview

Today was ok. It was a busy day- I had lots of doctors appointments for various things, and spent most of the day downtown. I had a really nice lunch with a friend for about 3 hours, (ok a long lunch), so that was a nice break in the day.

This evening I had a parent-teacher interview with my son's school. My ex wanted to come along, and so we had to find a time that worked for both of us. That alone was enough drama.

Tonight we had the interview. My ex was on decent behaviour. I think he was trying to show me that I don't matter to him anymore, which is fine by me. I'd rather have that than all the recent drama. So overall, I can't complain about it. Plus, it avoids me having to spend a half hour phone call giving him an update afterwards. A session with a third party present (the teacher) is waaaaay better than a phone call.

As for me, I have to spend the whole day at home tomorrow waiting to see if these divorce papers will actually arrive. I'm told they "should" whatever that means. He says if they don't come tomorrow, they will come by Monday for sure. Nice way to ruin two whole days. I'm going to call the lawyer directly and find out for sure. If they haven't given the papers to the serving dude by the morning, its unlikely I will get them tomorrow. If that's what the lawyer ends up telling me when I call, I'm going to go to the gym instead of hanging out here unnecessarily.

An Interim Agreement

My ex and I have managed to come up with an interim agreement which although it is not ideal, will suffice for the time being. Now we're going to draft it and sign it. Let's see how it goes. I'm told the papers are on track for Friday. My fingers are crossed. My friends are saying we should throw a big party when this is over. I'm inclined to agree. Enough is enough.

So today, I went to the gym (muscles are getting sore, but thankfully, the knee is holding up), came home and went through the mail, had lunch with a girlfriend, did the dishes, went to mom and dad's for dinner, and then went shopping with my brother and dad. We picked out a bedroom set for me. Apparently, they are on back order so it may not arrive for up to 8 weeks, but the guy is trying to get it in sooner. I told him to try his best, because I was really hoping to have my bedroom re-done before I go back to the office. It was all part of my new beginning thing for this time off. But, I'll find a way to work with whatever I have. Worst case scenario, I'll just paint and finish the drapes and bedding and wait for the rest to arrive.

My son came down with a nasty fever tonight. That is so hard. There is nothing worse than a sick child. It breaks your heart. So, I had to be at the mercy of my ex to see if he could watch him in the day tomorrow. I would do it, but I have 3 doctor's appointments downtown tomorrow. I hate having to ask him for favours, but really, he's unemployed so he's sitting at home anyways, and sick kids don't do much. They just watch TV and sleep all day. I'm sure my son will survive, and really- I need these appointments. I'll just call and check on him throughout the day.

Either way, I'll try to get home early so I can at least ease my own conscience. Oh the joys of being a single mom.

Day 2 at the Gym

I'm amazed. The knee is holding up. Albeit with a knee brace while I'm there, but hey, it's still holding up! I'm thrilled. Here's the cool thing about the gym. Every day gets easier. I did 20 mins of cardio yesterday and managed 30 today. I would like to work my way back up to 1hr. Let's see how this goes.

I spoke to the lawyer today. He said two things. He said I should get my ex to agree to an interm payment plan, even with a slightly adjusted amount until he gets a job again, and I should avoid the courts, because it will just cost unnecessary money. He said my ex can't stay out of work too long, and if he does, he can't use the excuse that he can't support us. With an MBA and a PMP, he should be able to pull his weight in no time, and if he doesn't the courts will side with me on the grounds that he is deliberately delaying. So, I feel re-assured. Basically, I might have a hit for a few months, but only that, and he can't bring it down to zero. Now's the tough part. Getting all this through his head.

Anyhow, I'm sitting with a new perspective. I think I'm going to manage through this. It is, after all, just money. And money comes and goes. Besides all that, it's spring, and sunny, and I'm off for 3 weeks. I have time to re-group, so I'm not going to let this get to me.

I did ask about the divorce papers. I asked if they're still on track for Friday. The answer was "um- sure, yeah, as far as I know, so let's say yes". Hmmm- that was NOT reassuring. I'll wait till Friday, Monday at the latest and then I'll bring in my lawyers. The big guns so to speak.

As for the rest of today, I spent the afternoon cooking. I never get time to cook, and I do enjoy it. I'll pick up the kids in an hour and bring them home to have supper. Hooray for being a mom again.

Ohhh my Knee

Day 1 at the gym. Wow- that was hard on the knee, even with the brace, and all I did was the bike and some weights. This knee is going to take forever to heal. Totally sucks. So much for ever wearing heels again in this lifetime.

As for me, I got the number of a lawyer through the lawyer referral service. I'm hoping to see the new lawyer sometime tomorrow, and then I'll go to the courts on Wed to file my paperwork. As far as I know, the divorce papers are still on track for Friday. I'm really hoping that they serve them on time, and don't delay by a few days. I'm half tempted to sign them on the spot and hand them back to the guy who serves them. I said half-tempted. Keep in mind that my ex is manipulative and sneaky. Therefore, I will read the papers first, with a fine-toothed comb.

I found that I was a bit anxious today. First day off, lots to do with the divorce, went back to the gym, did groceries, but it was very go-go-go. I have a lot on my mind to deal with. I may skip the gym tomorrow if the knee is still out (or just do arm weights). And tomorrow I have the lawyer. Maybe I just need to accept that this week is a write off.

Trying to Keep Focused

It's Sunday. It's a beautiful sunny day outside. I'm sitting here in my family room just loving the warmth from the sun beams. Thank God for sunshine. I'm doing everything I can to lift my own spririts today....Trying to read magazines, have scented oil lit for the aromatherapy factor, trying to de-stress before the children come home at 5pm.

Although a good chunk of my 3 weeks off will be piled with the stress of my ex's most recent stunt, I'm still going to try to keep focused. I'm going to stick to the plan of going to the gym every weekday and journaling every day. I'll deal with the legal crap in whatever time is left in the day outside of those activities. The last thing I want is to go back to work 3 weeks from now even more stressed than ever.

I have an awesome friend who was kind enough to take a look at my separation agreement and give me some advice. He has his LLB but never took the bar, so he's technically not a lawyer, but in my opinion, he might as well be. He was kind enough to download all the forms for me and fill them all out. I spoke to his wife, who is one of my dearest friends, and she told me that all I have to do is sign the papers and go to the court to file them. That will kick off the dispute portion around child support. It's just the beginning of what I'm about to face yet again, but it's so awesome to know that somebody out there cared enough to do all the initial legwork for me. Talk about golden friends, huh?

I spent a few hours with a good friend yesterday. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to forget things for a few hours. This stuff wasn't even in the back of my mind. That was very promising and I think it calmed me down just a bit.

So here's the plan for today- de-stress, sign the paperwork, and play with the kids. Tomorrow, I'll go to the courts to file, go to the gym, and then spend the evening with the children. Tuesday, I'm sure, will have it's own drama.

My goal for this week is to get it into my ex's head that his recent stunt around child support has nothing to do with the divorce papers. I want the papers signed on Friday and the proceedings scheduled in the courts. I want that to proceed on track. The financial stuff will have to be dealt with separately. The last thing I need is to have the financial stuff and the divorce delaying one another. Let's at least get one thing off my plate so I can feel like everything is not hanging in the air. Some sense of normalcy would be nice right about now.

I cannot understand how any human being on the face of this earth could be so cruel. Abusive to his wife, financially destructive, and then just torturing me by delaying the divorce and playing financial games so that I'm in a position where I don't even know if I can make my next mortgage payment. This is just wrong. This is why so many women stay in bad marriages.

Fortunately for me, I'm not the typical single mom. I have a good career, an amazing network of friends and fantastic resources at my disposal. Yes, I'm stressed, but as my dad said to me yesterday "what are you worried about? As long as you have so many people who love you, you will be just fine. No man can take away who you are, or what you are capable of achieving. Once he gets that through his head, he will have no choice but to give up and to leave you alone. Then you will be able to move on". You go daddy. You rock. It is so awesome how my dad can always manage to reassure me.

Wearing me Down

I'm not sure how or when this will end. Every time I feel that I'm getting back on track and getting away from this lunatic ex-husband, something happens to remind me that life will never be that easy.

All I want is to be free. I want to be able to do what I want, without being stalked. I want to make decisions without an ex who asks a million questions when he has no right to do so. I want to be free of black eyes, broken bones and infinite nights crying myself to sleep. I want to be normal again.

Abusive men are like a disease. They never seem to go away. Just when you think that things are going to get better, just when you see a little bit of light coming in through the cracks, they find a way to seal it shut and leave you in the darkness, yet again. I am so tired of this, I feel like giving up.

Today was supposed to be a good day. It was my last working day before my 3 week vacation. I was supposed to wrap things up. I was supposed to be happy. I should not have answered the phone when he called. Sometimes I feel as if I'll never learn.

So here's the routine for today. He called to tell me that he's lost his job, yet again. This much be like the 5th or 6th time that this has happened to him. I don't know what his issue is, but he just can't seem to hold down a job. (Yeah, did I ever know how to pick 'em). So I wait for the punchline, and it comes. He doesn't feel he can financially contribute to the children. I'm listening, half stunned, wondering, 'do you not realize that these are YOUR children? When was being a deadbeat even an option?'.

I've lived my whole life being a responsible person. I make sure that things always end up the way they should. Right now, I'm starting to see that as a bit of a curse. I'm responsible, so he gets to be a loose cannon. Once, just once, I would like to have one irresponsible day, so I could see how it feels to let go of things. Just once. But here I am, yet again, picking up the pieces for him. It's like deja vu. I spent my marriage cleaning up after broken dishes, patching up holes in walls, covering up my bruised face. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm here cleaning up the financial mess too. I am just so damned tired.

I am so glad I took this vacation time. I'm going to spend it taking care of myself, and doing nothing. While I was really hoping it would be a bit of a break, this recent news tells me that it will consist mostly of visits to lawyers and courtrooms, yet again. And think- I had hoped that the end would be uneventful. Paperwork is what I called it. Hardly. That was wishful thinking. Naive of me, as usual.

Fortunately, I have a good friend with a bit of a legal background who is trying to look into things for me. According to him, just because my ex is unemployed, doesn't mean he can completely let go of his financial responsibilities. At the end of the day, it's not like I'm the least important creditor on his list. His children do, after all need to be fed. I just don't get why it's even an option in his head to do this to me financially. He knows I can't cover all the expenses on my own. He actually told me today to run a line of credit if I need to, because he doesn't have the money. What the hell?

Well....Wish me luck. The end is near, and the beginning of the end tells me its going to be quite the ride. The next few months are going to be insane. Leave it to an abusive man to hold onto his assholeness right to the very end. And imagine- my family friends ask when I'll re-marry- yeah right. Please- let's go through this torture all over again. No thanks. I'll ride alone after this is done.

The Plan

OK- So I've come up with a game plan to help me through the next few weeks. I spoke to my ex and he said that the divorce papers should be ready in the end of next week. I'm really hoping he's not lying to me, because this is dragging on too long for my liking. I actually had a conversation with him today where I told him that this is totally over, and that he shouldn't bother me any more. Let's hope he gets it through his head.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not doing well, and that I need an extended break. Fortunately, I have tons of vacation time coming my way, since I have carry forward weeks from last year. I'm taking 3 weeks off starting this coming Monday. I'll be taking this week to wrap things up at the office, and then I'll get a break for 3 weeks. That should hopefully be enough to get me re-centered again. I really need to function normally. I really need to be myself again. People are starting to notice that I'm not myself. Well, I mean, those around me who care to keep in touch. The rest of course, know very little about how things have been for me lately.

So here is the game plan for the 3 weeks off: gym, journaling, lying around doing nothing, and shopping. It sounds like a plan to me. I'm not sure if I will go away anywhere because that will require too much planning- financial, and then arrangements for the children, so I might have to pass.

Oh yes, I also plan to re-do my bedroom. It's time for me to buy new furniture. The old bedroom set (yes from my married days- very morbid) has to go. I just bought new bedding, so all that's left is new lamps, and a nice coat of paint. That should be enough to keep me occupied for the 3 weeks. Hopefully it will be enough to give me a fresh slate?

Rollercoaster

Good God. I am so very tired of this game with the ex. Every day a different story, every day a new kind of drama. Some days when he comes to drop the children off on a Sunday, I have to hear about how horrible I am, and how he's moving on, and how happy he will be when the divorce is final. Then there are the nights like tonight when he comes in all clingy and needy asking if I'm sure I don't want to re-consider things and possibly reconcile.

Fortunately for me (and I NEVER thought I would say this), my nightmares of the abuse are very vivid, very strong, and are making me sleep deprived and yes cranky. The thought of reconciling ever since I've been re-living everything is just insane.

I looked at him tonight and really wanted to say- yes I would love to reconcile...More black eyes please...But thought, no let's take the high road and not be salty here. I feel sorry for him, and yet I can't stand him...What a weird twisted mix that is. So I politely declined the oh-so-wonderful offer and closed the door as he left.

I'm gonna need therapy for LIFE. This sucks. I marry a bi-polar nut job and I'm the one who will end up in the looney bin. Nice. Real nice.

Being Naive is the Same as Being Stupid

Well, clearly I'm going through a man-hating period. I actually have several things bugging me on that front. Obviously the divorce, which is making me realize how stupid I really was for marrying this guy, staying with him throughout the abuse, and yes, having children with him. I have attributed a lot of my decisions to the fact that yes, I am naive in many ways. I trust people and think that they are worthy of my trust. While that might have been ok in my early 20's, it's no longer ok in my early 30's. At this age, the reality is that being naive is the same as being stupid.

I think I'm naive in many ways- I believe in many people who take advantage of the fact that I can be trusting. I often like to believe that the world is full of wonderful people and a handful of bad ones. I like to think that good things will always come to good people. This is all a load of junk. Good things do not happen to good people, in fact good people experience the worst hardships in the world. If you're a person of faith, you believe that it all works out in the end...But for those who aren't, it almost looks like a better deal not to be one of the good ones, after all- instant gratification is core to human nature, is it not?

Anyhow, naive people get hurt. They get hurt over and over again and they never learn. This is stupid. Naive people are stupid. I'm tired of being naive. I'm tired of trusting. I'm tired of hoping for this crap to end when it doesn't. I'm tired of everything.

I might just benefit from becoming one of those selfish women who looks at her own interests first. I'm not saying that I should harm others, that just wouldn't be me. I am saying that I need to stop putting the world's best interests above my own. So now my question is, 'Is it possible for a naive person to stop being naive?' and if so, how do you go about doing that?

Here we go Again

Just when you think you're starting to feel a bit better, you get hit with a day that seems to throw you back by weeks. One step forward, 10 steps backwards. Sigh. What can you do?

I can't even begin to get into how incredibly crappy a day I had today...Right from the morning to night. It's like nothing went right today. Honest to God, some days I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I'm about at the point where I feel like I need to lock myself away from the world for a few days and tell everyone to leave me alone. It's like some days, I almost feel like I just can't function anymore. I can't think logically, I can't speak logically, and I can't contain my emotions. I mean, I've always been an emotional person, but this is waaaay out of hand, even for me. It's like the emotions have taken over my mind and my ability to think logically.

So- I thought the angry phase was long over. I thought wrong. Admittedly, I'm nowhere near where I was when I first left my ex. But I guess I just didn't expect everything to resurface again during the divorce. I just kind of thought that things would wind down, I'd be rid of my ex, and life would be happy again. I didn't expect him to create so many problems for me, and I didn't expect life to get this complicated. I thought I would be ok.

I think the highlight of my day was when my colleague told me that life will be amazing once everything is final (according to his brother's experiences). I'm really hoping he's right. I mean...If this gets any worse, I'm really not going to be able to get through. Now I know why women don't leave abusive or really complicated marriages. It may actually just be easier to stick it through to the end. Leaving and trying to start over is a far more complicated route....So it better end up being worth it.

As for me...I'm just feeling like an emotional mess. I want this to be over. I want the paperwork done. I want my life back. I want to be able to have normal conversations without crying over random things. Ever feel like running away and starting your life over away from everyone? That's the space I'm in.

Babysitter?

I am totally amazed at what a little bit of free time can do. I'm still feeling great from Sunday. It's like I feel so much better. I know it may only be temporary...But hey- I haven't needed sleeping pills...That's a great sign.

I went to work today, and had a full day of meetings. I feel like work is busy, but manageable. Allowing myself to occasionally cut out early and work from home (albeit because my parents are away) has made a world of difference on the stress levels. Just keeping everything in check I guess.

I spoke with my ex today about the children and schedules etc. I hate communicating with him. Every day that goes by I hate it more and more. I wish it weren't like that, but to be honest, the man makes me a bit crazy. So he's into this newly found single party life, or so he says. I mentioned that he went away last weekend, which is fine...But now he says he wants a babysitter to watch the kids on Friday nights and Saturday nights so he can go out and have fun.

I asked him "so lemme get this straight- you want to spend your limited time with the children parking them with a sitter?" and he said only in the evenings. Am I wrong, or is that totally messed up?

I hate the mind games. I actually have to sit and ask myself if he would really do it, or if he's just trying to stress me out because he knows I won't like it, and he's secretly trying to ruin my evenings so I don't end up meeting new people? Honestly, the mind games are a bit too much for me. I'm half tempted to say "go and have your fun, I'll keep the kids", and the other half says that's a trend I should not let myself start. I'm going to have to think this one out a bit more.

No matter how you cut it, the real issue is, I'm just not devious enough to figure all this out. And I lack the jerk factor, which seems to rule him, so either way, I'm vulnerable and will inevitably get screwed. I'm starting to mistrust men. Are they all like this guy, or did I just pick out the gem of the world when I married him? Arg arg arg.

Friends to the Rescue

Thank God for friends. They are awesome. Funny, sometimes even family doesn't kick in and realize when you're down, but when your friends step up to the plate, that's really something special.

It's no shock to anyone who knows me that things have been building up for awhile. The lack of sleep with the emotional weirdness is making me feel really 'off' these days. All I can say is I wait anxiously for my one weekend with the children, because I miss spending time with them. Right now, I can honestly say that this was the WRONG weekend for me to have the children. I can barely handle myself. My fuse is short, my emotions are high, and it's not good for them.

Friday and Saturday were just bad for me and by Sunday, my good friend called me and told me to drop the children at her place and go shopping. She knows better than anyone that a few hours at a mall and I'm re-charged, like I can start with a clean slate. I don't know what it is about shopping, but it works like a charm every time. I know it sounds a bit sad or pathetic...But hey- there are worse habits out there...Like drinking excessively, for example.

Either way, I dropped the kids off for 4 hours and came back feeling like a new person. I got to walk (with my bad knee- I'm sure I'll be paying for that), and got to feel new again. I was able to be happy and to top it off, when I got back to her place to pick up the children, she had fed my children dinner, and had dinner ready for me. Now that's a REAL friend. I cannot describe how badly I needed one little shoulder to lean on, and this friend was here right in time. This seems to be a trend in my life. Every time I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom one friend or another saves me. Angels. All of them. Thank God for them. I wouldn't dare to imagine where I would be today if it hadn't been for the network of angels that seems to catch me at the right moment and hold me up when I need it.

I'm still afraid to face yet another week, but thankfully, I feel just a bit recharged right now....5 days till the next weekend. One day at a time, right? :-)

Breathing Space

It's funny how some events can give us clarity. My ex is gone away for the weekend. I didn't ask him where he was going, nor did I ask him who he will be with. Quite frankly, I don't really care, and I certainly don't want to start the trend of acting as if I'm interested in him, or his life. Not at this point, not with the current situation around divorce proceedings.

Here's the thing. I have the children alone this weekend. But he's away. That amounts to complete freedom and zero stress. I don't think I realized the extent of the stress his presence has on my life (meaning the close proximity of his home to mine). I mean, while I did know that it's been very stressful to live near him and to have him constantly trying to contact me, I had no idea that just his presence near where I live was the cause of so much underlying stress.

Last night, I was up late working. So I didn't get a lot of sleep, maybe only 5 hours. But last night, I slept without sleeping pills, without tranquilizers, without issue. I was up until 3am walking around the house. I NEVER walk downstairs past 11pm. I'm always afraid of who might be looking in, specifically that he might be loitering around. This weekend, I knew he wasn't here, and as a result, I was totally at ease, walking around the house at 3am, working in my living room (I would never do that), and just enjoying my space.

I thought the alarm system would have given me this peace, but it clearly hasn't. It does help, I mean, I find that I'm no longer listening for sounds at night while I'm sleeping, but it doesn't help everything. His absence from the city on the other hand, was the best thing for me. Sad, but true.

This makes me wonder when I'll ever be able to walk freely in this house. Will it be after the divorce, or am I just deluding myself into believing that? My friend said that men like this get even worse when you're divorced because they no longer have any hopes that they are holding onto. I'm hoping she's wrong. If she's right, that means I need to wait until he meets someone else and moves on. Then he will be someone else's problem :-)

Graham's Psychoanalysis

I met with my friend Graham today. I love chatting with him. He's a professional therapist, so it always makes for good conversation. I always end up feeling a whole lot better when I've spoken to him. Maybe this is a sign that I'm in desperate need of therapy? :-)

He made me realize that everything I'm going through is normal. I actually told him in detail about some of the abuse and he was shocked. He didn't know it was so bad. I mean, how could he? I never told anyone.

He said that given everything I've been through, it's perfectly normal for things to unravel emotionally once the divorce proceedings have started, especially since I've never spoken about it for all these years. I think he has a point. He said that I need to pick a couple of friends that I can check in with on a regular basis and talk out everything- the abuse, the feelings, just if nothing else, then to be convinced that my feelings are normal. That almost sounds pathetic to me, although I do know where he's coming from.

Graham also thinks the vacation is a good idea, because it will get me out of my routine and let me think objectively. I don't know. Everyone has an opinion. Funny- I feel totally messed up these days, but I also feel optimistic, because I know just a few more months and I will have a clean slate. I can't wait.

As for the never ending nightmares, I'm told these are normal, since I've hidden the abuse for 10 years. Graham says that as things wind down, I'm finally able to face what happened, and remember all the details, which explains the nightmares. OK well it sounds normal in textbook terms, but it sounds pretty freakish in real life, so how do you go about explaining that? Now if I could just come to terms with the fact that my recent unraveling doesn't make me a freak, everything would be ok....

Day 1- Parents On Vacation

Well, today doesn't seem to be going too badly so far. I managed to leave downtown at 4 which meant by the time I got home from picking up the children it was about 6. I had started dinner preparations last night, so the evening seems to be going ok. I'm still really exhausted, but I'm expecting that to last a few weeks. If all goes well, I can have the children in bed by 8:30 and have myself in bed by 11. That would be a first, and a treat. If I can manage that, it will mean a full 6 hours of sleep (I get up at 5am), which will be a step in the right direction. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Other than that, just trying to take everything one day at a time. I wish those divorce papers would hurry up and arrive...I keep hoping that the papers will be the final step and then I will be emotionally free. I know it can't be a complete flick of the lightswitch, but then again....can he REALLY bug me much more once everything is FINAL?

Out of Office

I didn't go to the office today. I checked email via blackberry but that's about it. I had several doctor's appointments, and then I had to drop my parents off to the airport. They're gone to California for 2 weeks, so now I have to get ready to do drop off, pick up, make dinner, the whole deal. It means shorter office days, longer nights working. Sigh. 14 days till they come home. I know that sounds insensitive, but, yeah...14 days till they come home. Still, I really hope they have fun. California is a fantastic place.

As for my doctor's visits, I went for 2 primary things- the never ending knee drama, and for my recent emotional state. It's always better to look into these things before they get worse. I can't explain it...Recent ups and downs, it's like I'm not myself anymore....I can't even seem to focus on a simple task.

So I spoke to my doctor, and he basically said it's normal, but that I need to keep an eye on it. He said that a divorce as "ugly" as mine is not easy to sift through, and that expecting it to be quick and easy is unrealistic. He said that even thought it's been two years, the type of crap I went through is enough to cause confusion for anyone....So expecting it to be a quick and dirty is just not right. He also said that my situation was amongst the most difficult that he's seen, and that I need to be fair to myself, and give myself a chance to be human.

That all sounds well and good, but what the heck? I don't want to be with my ex, so why all the stress? I mean, yes- he's being mean and playing games, and being hurtful, but why can't I let it slide off my back? Why the emotional paralysis?

I mentioned that I contemplated a vacation- he said it won't help. "you can't escape your own mind"...Well, that's just great. He said slowing down at work might be good, but not a long leave or anything (THANK GOD!- I didn't want one anyways). Surprisingly, the fact that I've been doing so well at work is a sign to him that it's the one stability in my life....Don't mess with that is his recommendation. He thinks I need it to stay on track, and keep my mind occupied with other stuff right now, stuff other than my crazy ex and his crazy tactics.

He's right...But he sees this continuing for a few more months...Until just after the paperwork is final. Well, that's just great. This is too much for me to bear. As for the nightmares about the abuse that are keeping me up at night, a happy prescription to sleeping pills is his answer. Great. Just great. More pills. Add that to the tranquilizers and you have quite the cocktail mix going on. This is freakish. Why the hell do guys mess up women so badly?

I've been sleeping 3hrs a night for 3 weeks. I'm permanently nauseated....I just don't know why the nightmares won't stop...I have the alarm system...What else do I need?

The one that keeps repeating itself was of the last major time he hit me....It sounds sick to say major, they should all be major...But on this particular time I was nine months pregnant. The blow to my face was so hard that the internal bleeding wouldn't stop. I had visible purple clots on my face under my skin for weeks. I had to call in sick to work. I went to my doctor, and he looked at me and said "young lady- you better hope you don't get an infection on that pretty little face. This is NOT acceptable".

I don't know why I keep remembering that time. I don't know why I keep waking up at night. I don't know why I'm afraid to go to sleep. It's almost like, if I keep myself up at night, I won't have to have another nightmare. If I can just stay awake, I won't have to think about it. But by deliberately keeping myself awake, I am thinking about it. What a sick spiral. Well...I'm told these sleeping pills should do the trick...But they are addictive unfortunately, so that should be quite the treat. Let's just drug me up....Nice.

Sibling Love

I just had to write about this. This is the first weekend that we ever split the children up. My ex kept my son and I had our daughter for one-on-one bonding time. I had a great weekend with her. It was totally fun.

So this morning my son called to say hello and to ask how I'm doing. I know he loves being with me, because even though he only sees his dad on weekends, he always phones me several times when he's there. I have yet to see him ask to call his dad when he's with me. Not being petty, just observing. It doesn't completely surprise me. My ex has a very harsh personality, so I'm not surprised that he would miss the comforts of home and the love and peace that he gets here. That's just the way that it goes I guess.

So while I was talking to my son, he asked if he could speak to his sister. I could hear them both chatting and I heard my daughter say "I love you and miss you too. I don't ever want to be away from you again"! This melted my heart. I have a girlfriend who is a social worker and when I first left my ex one of her many pieces of advice to me was to make sure that I nurture the children's' bond with eachother, because at the end of the day "they only have eachother". At the time, this comment made me a little sad. I mean, they still have parents, we just don't live together anymore. But now, hearing what I just did, I think I understand what she meant.

For these children, their one consistency is eachother. That's HUGE. No matter what happens, they will be together and will have eachother. For children of a divorced household, a constant stable element like this may just contribute to making them well adjusted. Who knows what will really happen, but I am hoping that it will make the difference.

It's funny. The children's conversation is making me feel a bit better too. It's like I can breathe easy knowing that things will work themselves out for the best. All I have to do is provide a safe and loving home, and the rest should fall into place. That doesn't sound so bad.

It's amazing to see the power of love between children. I remember one time, I heard my son tell my daughter that if "anyone ever bugs you, just let me know, I'll protect you forever". Music to my ears. And you know what? I know its 100% true. He will. At a very young age, I told them that brothers and sisters were forever. When my son told my daughter that he will 'be there forever', he then finished his sentence with "because brothers and sisters are brothers and sisters for life". Now THAT is really promising.