Breathing Space

It's funny how some events can give us clarity. My ex is gone away for the weekend. I didn't ask him where he was going, nor did I ask him who he will be with. Quite frankly, I don't really care, and I certainly don't want to start the trend of acting as if I'm interested in him, or his life. Not at this point, not with the current situation around divorce proceedings.

Here's the thing. I have the children alone this weekend. But he's away. That amounts to complete freedom and zero stress. I don't think I realized the extent of the stress his presence has on my life (meaning the close proximity of his home to mine). I mean, while I did know that it's been very stressful to live near him and to have him constantly trying to contact me, I had no idea that just his presence near where I live was the cause of so much underlying stress.

Last night, I was up late working. So I didn't get a lot of sleep, maybe only 5 hours. But last night, I slept without sleeping pills, without tranquilizers, without issue. I was up until 3am walking around the house. I NEVER walk downstairs past 11pm. I'm always afraid of who might be looking in, specifically that he might be loitering around. This weekend, I knew he wasn't here, and as a result, I was totally at ease, walking around the house at 3am, working in my living room (I would never do that), and just enjoying my space.

I thought the alarm system would have given me this peace, but it clearly hasn't. It does help, I mean, I find that I'm no longer listening for sounds at night while I'm sleeping, but it doesn't help everything. His absence from the city on the other hand, was the best thing for me. Sad, but true.

This makes me wonder when I'll ever be able to walk freely in this house. Will it be after the divorce, or am I just deluding myself into believing that? My friend said that men like this get even worse when you're divorced because they no longer have any hopes that they are holding onto. I'm hoping she's wrong. If she's right, that means I need to wait until he meets someone else and moves on. Then he will be someone else's problem :-)