Well, clearly I'm going through a man-hating period. I actually have several things bugging me on that front. Obviously the divorce, which is making me realize how stupid I really was for marrying this guy, staying with him throughout the abuse, and yes, having children with him. I have attributed a lot of my decisions to the fact that yes, I am naive in many ways. I trust people and think that they are worthy of my trust. While that might have been ok in my early 20's, it's no longer ok in my early 30's. At this age, the reality is that being naive is the same as being stupid.
I think I'm naive in many ways- I believe in many people who take advantage of the fact that I can be trusting. I often like to believe that the world is full of wonderful people and a handful of bad ones. I like to think that good things will always come to good people. This is all a load of junk. Good things do not happen to good people, in fact good people experience the worst hardships in the world. If you're a person of faith, you believe that it all works out in the end...But for those who aren't, it almost looks like a better deal not to be one of the good ones, after all- instant gratification is core to human nature, is it not?
Anyhow, naive people get hurt. They get hurt over and over again and they never learn. This is stupid. Naive people are stupid. I'm tired of being naive. I'm tired of trusting. I'm tired of hoping for this crap to end when it doesn't. I'm tired of everything.
I might just benefit from becoming one of those selfish women who looks at her own interests first. I'm not saying that I should harm others, that just wouldn't be me. I am saying that I need to stop putting the world's best interests above my own. So now my question is, 'Is it possible for a naive person to stop being naive?' and if so, how do you go about doing that?
33 comments:
I am right there with you. I am in my 30's and have finally reaized that my being too trusting has gotten me hurt far too many times in my life including last year. Stupid? I don't agree with that. We are human and we make mistakes. We need to learn to forgive and trust ourselves as much as we do others. I know it's difficult. I have just recently been very badly burned. This is the worst pain I have ever been through and it's shaken me to the core. And yes, I have stopped and thought is there more bad in the world than good? I don't know the answer, but I believe that good does win. I believe in Karma. And what people put out there comes back to them, whether good or bad. I think we will both stop being naive. You are never too old to learn. We are all still learning and evolving until the day we die. Just like you said, you no longer have to put the world's interestes above your own. You have learned that. I have learned that as well. That will make you and me better people. When you put you own needs first, only then are you better able to serve those you love and care about, and who care about you. And if people care about you that will get that. If they don't then those are the people you question. I think that your writing this is already a signal that you are already headed towards your goal of no longer being naive.
hi, i know you wrote this years ago, but its exactly what i'm thinking about at the moment. so just wondered how you got on with it? did you come up with any answers or solutions?
Hi! A long time has indeed passed since I first wrote this post. I still do think that being naive is the same as being stupid. I mean, you can say it was naive of me to trust my ex when we were married, but it was also stupid. I mean, I knew better, I had seen others go though abusive relationships and I would tell them to leave, but I couldn't leave mine. Naive, yes, stupid- yes again.
That being said, two years later, having experienced all that I have in life, I can honestly say that I still believe that bad things do happen to good people. But here is something I DIDN'T know when I wrote this post. The difference is- good people just get stronger. No matter how much you throw at them, they take it, and yes, they suffer, but in the end they are somehow stronger. It's weird but true. Look at the really good people around you, and you may see them commplain, you may see them needing a shoulder to lean on when they are going through hardships, but when all is said and done, there is something just more bright and admirable about them. And you know what? They share their luminescence with the world around them.
Am I naive? Yes. Am I stupid? At times, yes. Have I been hurt? Hell ya! Am I a better person today, and do I bring more to those around me and somehow find a way to find big happinesses in little things? Most definitely yes.
I hope this isn't confusing you further. Hang in there my friend, and be strong.
Hello, I just read what you said; so are you glad that you had stayed naive? did u become a better person? is that what your saying? Im just wondering because im 17 and i feel very naive and childlike..
I don't think I deliberately stayed this way, I just AM this way. And yes, it has gotten me hurt many times. I'm not sure that it makes me a better person, I just think that it makes me more vulnerable.
Keep in mind that being naive is different than being childlike...
And some of this you will grow out of as you grow older. Some of it is just part of you...I'm almost 37 and I still haven't learned, and I don't know if I ever will...
yes...thats what i noticed too; i just AM naive..and no matter what i do its not something i can really change; i guess it like i dont think bad of anybody but almost trust everyone.
I wish it was easier to stop trusting people - I think the same way, that there are only a few people in this world that don't deserve the benefit of the doubt on every occasion and that people will always do their best for me as I do for them. This is absolute bull, I'm totally aware that the people around me that I call my best friends; I think that 3 of them would stop what they were doing and come to my aid in any way I needed it. I go out of my way to be the nicest I can to everyone I meet, whether they deserve it or not, because I don't see the point in being mean, or spiteful, or nasty - its not necessary. But my naivety shows through because I know, as well as all of you, that it sucks to be the only person you know that is like that. I do all I can for everyone, I make sure they're happy and I make sure that they are OK - as a result, I always get told I'm too nice for my own good which is why I get hurt a stupid amount.
Imagine if there was a pill you could take to stop your sense of guilt, compassion, empathy - all the things that make us stupid, naive people - how amazing would our lives be as heartless bitches! Some would suggest this to be an empty life; I would be more than happy with no more emotional connections because that has done nothing but cause me endless troubles and upset.
Am going to get to work on that pill now I think - Naivety No More sounds like a good name methinks.
Chin up - life couldn't be more messy than it is right now x
i am naive too, i get hurt, bullied , taken advantage of by my schoolmates, but i agree it totally makes us stronger, for me i am only 16 and my beliefs are pretty much laughed at, i think that everyone can change for the better but they give me the cold look or think i take things too lightly. i mean positive's are bettter than negatives,i changed much from mistrusting naive to a trusting but cautious naive for the past 3 years, got me a better outlook in life :3 my best friend dogs me down for being overly optimistic and emotional while she is cynical and pretty cold :P.. i understand her but well it's not fer me to change her attitiude, she's a pretty awesome motivator to get me lookin at the logical stuff ,ha ha but i like being my naive self- i dont want to be over calculative..
does anyone know how to actually stop being naive? i mean for me i cant help being trusting and letting ppl in because i crave their love and affection - so basically its because im so insecure. im terrified of being alone and no matter how much i try to be alone, i end up so upset and its really hard for me not to be clingy and not to be happy unless someone is in my life. i really want to become independant and strong. how can i do this? do u think counselling or CBT wud help? please help with any suggestions cos i almost got suicidal couple of months ago becaus i got so hurt by the people i loved and trusted and who's words "I will always be there for you no matter what" i believed without even knowing i put so much faith in those wordss. pls reply to what.1984@hotmail.com if you can help me. thank u so much.
Counseling always helps. But just remember...life is a process. We learn and grow through our hardships. When I got divorced 5 and a half years ago, I thought life was over. Now I know it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Is life hard? Yes. Is it getting easier? Yes. Do I still need to learn to let go of things? Absolutely.
We all get hurt by people that we love and trust. After all, it is only the people that mean the most to us that have the ability to hurt us, but it doesn't mean we don't trust again. It just means we need a little time to heal.
I would strongly urge you to seek therapy. It does help. Good luck to you, and God Bless.
wow!!! I just googled how to stop being naive. I have gotten hurt so many time it is unbelievable that I haven't learnt by now. It's not being stupid but having a kind heart. It is really hard to get rid of because we where born with it. With a heart like this we must always be aware of fake people who we tend to trust. always be alert and focus. Don't over do it but be aware. Not that someone is always out to get you, but sometime there are.//
I am 28 and i just realized that i am too naive and trusting, and have been hurst badly a few times by more calculative people. They arent bad people, but they pursue their own interests first, cannot blame them for it. However, to make things worse, in addition to being naive, i also did not trust my instincts, and ignored obvious signs of people not being sincere toward me. However, i am thankful that they took into account my "naiveness" and did not trample me into dust, which they easily could.
I will never stop being naive, however, out of some situations, that happened to my naive self i learned few things:
* People pursue their interests first, without regard for you
* Trust your instincts, question others if their behavious seems suspicious
I am a 34 years old and I am naive....I think part of that is that we don't keep account of the injuries. Seems I attract domineering guys incapable of having feelings and obsessed with sex. A divorce and failed brief relationships after.
I do have a good job, people consider me intelligent.
I had have bad experiences because I trust in people, I trust in them when they say having affection toward me...mistake...few people know how to love, very few.
I think we have big-forgiving hearts and it is difficult for us to think badly about other's intentions. We don't harm anyone and we expect the same.
This is our problem, we expect great things from others.
I agree that we are too forgiving, too kind to the person who have hurt us.. Like me I am naive and stubborn, making justifications that it is right because of what I am feeling. We developed this strong feelings the moment a guy or he starts to tease, show sweetness, consistent in the beginning. Acting he really meant it but the truth is he's just want you to give in to his trap. If you feel doubt, speak it out, let go of that feelings and move on. I realized that the more I hold on to that person, the more I hurt myself. ... I surrender it all to the Lord.
Unfortunately in church we are taught to love and trust and think the best in people but the reality is that people look out for number one and they don't really care about you, not really. I will not change and be a mean and vindictive person, but I won't be so quick to trust anymore, because 9 times out of 10 there's a hidden agenda and it's for something that benefits the other person, not you, no matter how much they say "they are there for you and everything will be okay." HA!!
The thing is to know who and what to trust, if you let your inner voice surface(if you alreadt havent) there is this voice in the head that often tells if its good or not worthy of trust but must times we prefer to ignore that voice. I think this is when the think you call "trusting" its more a desire for needing. And we are confusing it. Yes I say we cause ive had my times too, but just realized this throught reading your blog. Give to yourself, be your whole, dont depend on others to do this because you will never achieve it. Thanx for your writing, its helping me out in my search for me.
Its called having a judment, knowing "wrong from right", doesnt mean you stop being noble
I'm glad to hear my writing is helping you...it's been helping me find myself too :)
Wow... I literally googled "how to stop being naive" and this blog popped up. I have to say that I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who struggles with being naive. I'm a married Mom of 2 little boys. I got pregnant at 19 and got married six months later (shot gun wedding??). Either way, life moved way too quickly for me. I started working in "Corporate America" when I turned 21 and my life quickly spun out of control. I lived a very sheltered life and was very inexperienced (my husband was the only man I had ever been with...). As soon as I got into this new job, I started getting hit on. I was having trouble at home with my also very young husband, and I confided in a guy who seemed like all he wanted to do was listen and be there (I know... Naive is an understatement). But I trusted him. One thing led to another, and we kissed. I cheated. I blamed it on my husband and the way he was treating me at time. That was until, I cheated on him again with an old friend from High School that I reconnected with through Facebook. We met up for lunch and he seemed like he was only interested in a friendship, like myself. Naive?? I trusted, let him in, and the plot thickens... I NEVER in a million years thought I would become THAT woman. An adulteress. I LOVE my husband and we're making it work at this point only by the Grace of God. I coudn't blame my cheating on him, which led me to do some serious soul searching to identify what lead me to behave in such a disgusting way. I'm beyond ashamed of my mistakes. But I realized that I NEED to stop being so naive... So insecure... To stop craving attention and acceptance from men because of the teasing/bullying and lack of attention I received as a child/teen. So many people tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't see what they see. I need to learn how to love myself and work on my character flaws in order to move forward.
My motivation is quite simple: My 2 sons who I can only pray will end up with women better than myself. AND most importantly the look on my husband's face when he realized what was going on - the hurt and anguish makes me want to vomit. I love him and will NEVER allow anyone else to come into my life like I have in the past. All I can do is move forward... and STOP being so naive and trusting.
well add another one to naivities of the world..here i am..and of late every person is calling me naive.. i dont really understand why what..but recently m frnd was supposedly bragging bout smthn to me and i mean boasting bout smthn and i dint realise but i was answering her..m sis overheard our convo n askd me how can u take al her crap.. but i was lik i dint realise she was bragging..i tot she was jus talking normally!!
m cousin also tells me im naive.. tinks im innocent.. i need to kno ways to be more sharp and shrewd..cz ppl tel me dts th way ul get on in life..being naive and innocent is lik being stupid..and i believe i have become real stupid..
Its nice to know im not the only naive person in the world.
In my new college, ive gained a reputation for being naive. Since its in a place where they speak a different language, I never got any freinds, not to mention i was a quite shy person. I started hanging out with a girl who had the same language problem, like me. At first, it was okay, but with time, I started to dislike her cold behaviour and her unfreindly attitude. I used to think I was such a bitch, to think such unkind things about her, but one day, I quietly confided my problem to another friend, who, surprisingly agreed wholeheartedly with me and said a few things herself. Then I started noticing the small indications that people gave, and I realized I wasn't as alone as I thought.
I think this is a problem that a lot of naive people have, feeling guilty for thoughts that other people say easily. Its hard for me to think of anyone badly or talk to anyone shortly. Im too sweet to people, but its only because i dont know how to behave any differently
That's selfish of you. I mean, I am naive and I'm trying to change that now too, but I still am willing to put others before myself. It just depends who, that's what you need to think about. A lot of people are not trust worthy, maybe even most people aren't, but what you have to do is learn to trust them. Like, they have to earn your trust. Don't automatically trust someone but don't automatically not trust them with everything either. Start off on neutral ground so to speak.
Thanks for starting this blog. It has been like theraphy for me. As all the others i also searched for "how to stop being naive" i was surprised to know that many others had searched for the same. All the inputs made me realize that (1) I am not the only one who have doubts about my character. I thought I was alone on this n that I nededed to be fixed. and (2) i am not the only one who had thought of being stupid after being continuously failed by others.
Eventhough, I had been deeply hurt in ALL my relationships, I kept trusting in the new ones I was being involved with. This is what was crossing my mind: "well, not everyone is the same. The fact that the first one was a scum bag, doesn't mean that the other will be too. Yeah, i can see some red flags on him, but hey! Maybe i am just being paranoid. Let me give me the chance of knowing me better." Well guess what! I should had listened to my inner voice. Here goes Another 2.5 years wasted of my life. Am I that stupid?
I really thought that I had brought all that pain to myself for being so naive. I put others' interests before mine.
I bought my BF good gifts, I pay for dinner or movies every other time, I'm considerate, I don't accept money from them, never ask them for anything, and always faithful: and still they lie, cheat, and deceive me.
When I finally end up the relationship, then they all want to go back with me; which disgusts me a great deal saying I was the best they had! Of course! How many woman out there pay for their own meal and put up with craps. One of them even called me cheap, because I was not taken advantage of my looks n i was spending my own money. Tht really hurt me! I hate that word. I thought I was being considerate. The weird thing is that I have never been attracted physically to any of my exes. I always "pick them over the cute ones " because of their "good hearts" so ironic!
Here's where my other quest for answers begins: is naive a synonym of stupidity? can people be truly trusted? Should I become more selfish? Should i start being a "woman"? I'm a strong and independent n I spent most of the time at home alone or doing things by myself, like going shopping, eating out, or watch a movie... at the theater; many see my behavior as ackward, but it is somehow normal to me. I have done it for so long. I always tell myself that if I don't enjoy my own company, who would! I could ask any of my cousins or my brother to go with me, but I guess deep inside I just want to be alone; but I don't know why.
Now, while im writing this, i wonder... could i be hidding from somebody? Am I hidding from myself? Am I hidding from the world to prevent being hurt? But if that's the case, why do I crave being in a relationship? I have friends n my family loves me, but why do I feel lonely.
Even in my job, I am being taken advantage of, but that's another long story.
Bottom line, I wish I could change. Im 31 and I'm getting tired of being "me" that's one of the motives that drives me to look for professional help. I can't do this myself. I have tried and failed!
I do feel like this too. I help and seem to be nice to everyone and have been called innocent and cute etc. I know that people take how I am for granted and I know they feel they can push me around. SOmetimes I'm get nervous for how people will react to me. I went through a face of being harsh and guess what? People started to respect me and treat me better. I became rude, arrogant, selfish and rebellious. I didn't care what people thought of me, but then it became me trying not to care what people think of me so much I started caring more about what they thought of me. It made me feel empty and sad but I could also insult others easier without caring about their feelings. Twisted world unfortunately. I'm most probably going to go back to being like that anyway. I'll see how things go.
hi. I too just did the same thing ~ googled how to stop being naive. as I read further down to yours and a little of everyones,
its in me. I too married out of insecurity.my folks moved and I guess I was afraid of being alone. time passed along with some physical , mental and verbal abuse and many years of counseling in which I never admitted to myself the truth. I knew I was unhappy but why? I have two beautiful children I adore but I stayed inthis unhappy marriage. it wasn't until I met someone ( a guy ) that was going through stuff.I to trusted him with my life and one thing led to another.only to find out he used me. he did teach me to believe in myself which I still have a hard time doing. I hate being this way and yes it's stupid.I also trust people way to much and put peoples happiness first and get hurt. I finally did get the courage to divorce which I'm in the process of. I get the attention of guys and fall trap which will no longer happen.but I want the naive part to go away. it's a very slow process and I hope that I get stronger in time and not be so trusting of others and put the trust in me and not be afraid to be alone. growing up I was shy made fun of and never felt Loved by my parents. my question after all this is what makes us naive?our up bringing?
Im going to jump on to the "I was googling how not to be naive" when I found this post. And like others I found it encouraging to know that I wasn't the only one.
In my case I too have been married - to a man who said wonderful things, cheated, lied, robbed, and finally abandoned me. And now - a year later - has become a rather odd but close friend. And I too went from that marriage to dating and then losing another man. This one much younger. I was full of the thought that at least he didn't have much baggage - in fact I was his first real relationship. But sadly, he was too young. Not ready for commitment. Didn't really know what he wanted in life. And now I find myself sad and alone again.
But seeing others going through and feeling similar things to what I have does make me feel better. As shitty as it is to be back in the "why did this have to happen" stage I know I will get through this. And I know I will find another person eventually. Hopefully I'll be at least a bit wiser next time. Take it slower. Watch more deeply. Give a little less and and love a little later. But I will love. And I will give. And although I feel like I'm profesionally naive...maybe I'm not so stupid.
Thank you for this post and all the replies that have come before mine.
What I "copied" from smart people is giving themselves some extra time to think.
Some of the phrases they use:
"I'll need to think about it",
"I'm Not sure about it",
" We'll talk about it"
Basically never feel pressure or obligation to agree to do something, a date, a favor, etc. Give yourself some extra time to think, especially if you lack assertiveness.
Everyone will benefit from the "laws of power stated in this page if you are feeling naive...
http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cgt/courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm
I have recently been called naive; never thought of myself that way, I was always called cynical-? The upside of being naive is we look at the world with wonder and fascination. We aren't threatened by the unusual, the downside is curiosity and fascination with the wrong thing can lead us to hell. I guess a healthy medium is a great place to dwell. Naivete' can keep you young, in a way, you look at the world through innocent eyes - would you really want to trade your innocent eyes for a devious mind?
I hear that! This word irks the hell out of me. I too am sick and tired of being this way. I know I am way more more intelligent than what everyone gives me me credit for. M6 psychologist says this about me and social naunces. But how in any way can you predict peoples intentions anyway!? 90% of the world are 2 faced and only play games anyway. Am I supposed to say F*** everyone and see nothing good in anything? I personally do not see this as conducive
I believe when someone is young, it can be called naive, but when you are an adult and make bad decisions as a result of refusing to face reality, it's called delusional. People like to boast, "I'm so naive" when they continually make stupid decisions. When in fact, what they are really doing is believing in something that was never real---trying to make a situation something it is not....trying to turn the truth into a lie. It may "work" for a while, you may be able to burry the truths you don't like under the rug for years, but eventually someone or some thing is going to pull back the rug, with all the crap you swept under there, and it will be a day to deal with it! Lying to ourselves can be a coping mechanism for not wanting to face the truth. You can run, but you can never really hide. Stop lying to yourself and accept that bad things happen, then learn to distance yourself from those things or people that you have lied to yourself about. Some people find it easier to lie to themselves than to take responsibility for their own poor judgement. Love yourself enough to look at the truth.
Being naive isn't a bad thing. Naive people are creative people, they are open to life, they are the believers, the faithful, the teachers, everything that is good and nuturing. If you get hurt by people it isn't because you are stupid, it's because the other person wasn't a good person and made bad choices, they are the stupid ones. Stop beating yourself up for being a good person, a visionary, the one who searches for the good & beautiful in everyone & everything. Naive people are the beautiful people and the world would be a lost soul without them. We as the naive people will always incounter the nasty, close minded selfish ones in our life, but don't let them draw you in, steal your mojo and recruit you into their den of ugliness, that is the only mistake, the only stupid thing a naive person could ever do. Shine and be the light that you are :)
Being naive just doesn't mean you are trusting.It means you lack experience in life.A naive press on is uneducated unexperienced has no common sense.the road says just paved.the street sign says walk.a Naive person will walk and not think about the warning signs.In a way a naive person is in fact a stupid or dumb person.A naive person will buy a chicken.He or she will leave it out uncovered so the bugs get at it.21 weeks later they will make a sandwich out of the chicken not realising that yhey will get food poisoning and maybe die.They still eat it anyway.A naive person believes everything you say to them.Its ok to take a bath in scolding hot water you won't be burned.ok thanks for yhe advice says the naive person and so he takes a scolding hot bath and geta burned.A naive person does not know anything about politics or any other conversations unless its grade 2 equivalency.A naive person will drink sour milk before testing it.A naive person will pour a cup of hot water from a full boiling kettle which is still plugged in.A naive person will sit under a tree during a lightning storm.A naive person will accidently drop water into a tv and wonders why the tv won't work.A naive person will drop a banana peel in front of him and walk on it and slip.A naive person has no motor skills.A naive person is like a new born baby.no experience or knowledge in anything.A naive person may be unemployed unable to work or unable to know how to get work to support himself.A naive person may need a friend at all times to hold his hand and guide him through life.A naive person sees a sign beside a swamp saying Beware of Alligators and Crocs but will see the water and will jump in for a swim unaware of the dangers.A naive person for example a man with a grenade has already pulled out the pin.instead of throwing it he asks the naive person if he can hold it for a second.the guy runs and the naive person gets blown up.A naive person for example will willingly hold a bag of stolen money for a guy who just robbed a bank so he an tie his shoe.cops pull over and arrest the naive guy for holding the bag of stolen money.He doesn't realize its stolen even though the bank alarm goes off and the bag has the name of the bank on it A naive person will smoke a cigarette beside a opened gas tank at a gas station wih gasoline spilled every where.A naive person will see a sign at the edge of a cliff.Danger slippery rocks.The naive guy will walk on them anyways and fall off the cliff and die.A naive person will unknowingly drive an escape convict to a bank while wearing state prison uniforms for felons.A naive person will give a perfect stranger 100 dollars because he or she told him or her that they will pay them back within an hour with interest.A naive person was told he or she can fly if they flap their arms really fast.so the naive person decides to test it out by flying off a cliff.They dropped to the ground and died.basically a naive person another nice way of saying he or she is dumb or stupid or wet behind the ears.
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