Emotional Baggage

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit lately. Emotional baggage is a horrible thing, yet many of us can be haunted by it for such a long period of time. It's weird how for some people, their past can haunt them for life, and yet others are capable of moving on, despite many horrible experiences. I personally have been determined not to be one of the people who gets paralyzed from the things that have happened in my past. The way I see it, if I ever do decide to pursue another relationship, it is not that person's responsibility to deal with my issues. At the end of the day, while there are some people out there who are kind enough to do just that, it truly isn't fair for others to have to deal with my emotional baggage. That is mine, and mine alone to deal with.

I'm hoping that I'm dealing with it in a good way. I've done the therapy thing, I've given myself a two year separation to deal with my ex, and I've given myself the opportunity to like myself again. I even took Oprah's advice. I read an article in one of her magazines where it states that 50% of the power of an abusive relationship comes from the secrecy and the silence. The more you cover it up, the more it haunts you. I took that to heart. I started talking about it, admitting it, dealing with it. Just read this blog from September to now and you'll see the difference. I'm doing the very best I can to be responsible with my life, with my future, with my emotional self. And all issues aside (women can always see things wrong with themselves), I can honestly say that I do like myself now more than I ever have in my life. I mean, I'm not the slimmest I've ever been (after two kids, who is?), nor is my skin as radiant as it was in my 20's, but I can honestly say that I do feel more attractive, and more worthy of happiness than I ever have in my life. I think that's the key- we all need to feel like we are WORTHY of being happy- like we deserve it. This and only this will allow us to achieve true happiness. As long as we feel that we are not worthy of better, we will never be able to find it. I think I'm worthy, and now I'm demanding it.

The people around me have to respect me. They have to genuinely care about me. They have to want the best for me, and they have to be willing to return as much love to me as I give to them. It's not about reciprocation exactly, but it is about not allowing myself to be anyone's personal punching bag ever again. Whether that be physically or emotionally, it doesn't matter. If you can't give me something that contributes to a friendship or relationship, if you are here just to drain me and be a parasite, I will show you the door. That is my vow to myself.

I have family members who have felt the difference. I haven't had to say a word. There was no "you make me feel crap about myself" discussion. I just became busy. Too busy to call, too busy to be around, too busy to allow myself to get hurt. And it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I'm doing it. I'm glad I'm strong enough to walk away. I do, however have a small handful of friends to thank for my strength. You know who you are.

So- Here is to responsibility, to taking care of ourselves, to allowing ourselves to be happy- NO- To ensuring that we are happy. Anything shy of that would just be wrong.