Out of Office

I didn't go to the office today. I checked email via blackberry but that's about it. I had several doctor's appointments, and then I had to drop my parents off to the airport. They're gone to California for 2 weeks, so now I have to get ready to do drop off, pick up, make dinner, the whole deal. It means shorter office days, longer nights working. Sigh. 14 days till they come home. I know that sounds insensitive, but, yeah...14 days till they come home. Still, I really hope they have fun. California is a fantastic place.

As for my doctor's visits, I went for 2 primary things- the never ending knee drama, and for my recent emotional state. It's always better to look into these things before they get worse. I can't explain it...Recent ups and downs, it's like I'm not myself anymore....I can't even seem to focus on a simple task.

So I spoke to my doctor, and he basically said it's normal, but that I need to keep an eye on it. He said that a divorce as "ugly" as mine is not easy to sift through, and that expecting it to be quick and easy is unrealistic. He said that even thought it's been two years, the type of crap I went through is enough to cause confusion for anyone....So expecting it to be a quick and dirty is just not right. He also said that my situation was amongst the most difficult that he's seen, and that I need to be fair to myself, and give myself a chance to be human.

That all sounds well and good, but what the heck? I don't want to be with my ex, so why all the stress? I mean, yes- he's being mean and playing games, and being hurtful, but why can't I let it slide off my back? Why the emotional paralysis?

I mentioned that I contemplated a vacation- he said it won't help. "you can't escape your own mind"...Well, that's just great. He said slowing down at work might be good, but not a long leave or anything (THANK GOD!- I didn't want one anyways). Surprisingly, the fact that I've been doing so well at work is a sign to him that it's the one stability in my life....Don't mess with that is his recommendation. He thinks I need it to stay on track, and keep my mind occupied with other stuff right now, stuff other than my crazy ex and his crazy tactics.

He's right...But he sees this continuing for a few more months...Until just after the paperwork is final. Well, that's just great. This is too much for me to bear. As for the nightmares about the abuse that are keeping me up at night, a happy prescription to sleeping pills is his answer. Great. Just great. More pills. Add that to the tranquilizers and you have quite the cocktail mix going on. This is freakish. Why the hell do guys mess up women so badly?

I've been sleeping 3hrs a night for 3 weeks. I'm permanently nauseated....I just don't know why the nightmares won't stop...I have the alarm system...What else do I need?

The one that keeps repeating itself was of the last major time he hit me....It sounds sick to say major, they should all be major...But on this particular time I was nine months pregnant. The blow to my face was so hard that the internal bleeding wouldn't stop. I had visible purple clots on my face under my skin for weeks. I had to call in sick to work. I went to my doctor, and he looked at me and said "young lady- you better hope you don't get an infection on that pretty little face. This is NOT acceptable".

I don't know why I keep remembering that time. I don't know why I keep waking up at night. I don't know why I'm afraid to go to sleep. It's almost like, if I keep myself up at night, I won't have to have another nightmare. If I can just stay awake, I won't have to think about it. But by deliberately keeping myself awake, I am thinking about it. What a sick spiral. Well...I'm told these sleeping pills should do the trick...But they are addictive unfortunately, so that should be quite the treat. Let's just drug me up....Nice.