Wearing me Down

I'm not sure how or when this will end. Every time I feel that I'm getting back on track and getting away from this lunatic ex-husband, something happens to remind me that life will never be that easy.

All I want is to be free. I want to be able to do what I want, without being stalked. I want to make decisions without an ex who asks a million questions when he has no right to do so. I want to be free of black eyes, broken bones and infinite nights crying myself to sleep. I want to be normal again.

Abusive men are like a disease. They never seem to go away. Just when you think that things are going to get better, just when you see a little bit of light coming in through the cracks, they find a way to seal it shut and leave you in the darkness, yet again. I am so tired of this, I feel like giving up.

Today was supposed to be a good day. It was my last working day before my 3 week vacation. I was supposed to wrap things up. I was supposed to be happy. I should not have answered the phone when he called. Sometimes I feel as if I'll never learn.

So here's the routine for today. He called to tell me that he's lost his job, yet again. This much be like the 5th or 6th time that this has happened to him. I don't know what his issue is, but he just can't seem to hold down a job. (Yeah, did I ever know how to pick 'em). So I wait for the punchline, and it comes. He doesn't feel he can financially contribute to the children. I'm listening, half stunned, wondering, 'do you not realize that these are YOUR children? When was being a deadbeat even an option?'.

I've lived my whole life being a responsible person. I make sure that things always end up the way they should. Right now, I'm starting to see that as a bit of a curse. I'm responsible, so he gets to be a loose cannon. Once, just once, I would like to have one irresponsible day, so I could see how it feels to let go of things. Just once. But here I am, yet again, picking up the pieces for him. It's like deja vu. I spent my marriage cleaning up after broken dishes, patching up holes in walls, covering up my bruised face. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm here cleaning up the financial mess too. I am just so damned tired.

I am so glad I took this vacation time. I'm going to spend it taking care of myself, and doing nothing. While I was really hoping it would be a bit of a break, this recent news tells me that it will consist mostly of visits to lawyers and courtrooms, yet again. And think- I had hoped that the end would be uneventful. Paperwork is what I called it. Hardly. That was wishful thinking. Naive of me, as usual.

Fortunately, I have a good friend with a bit of a legal background who is trying to look into things for me. According to him, just because my ex is unemployed, doesn't mean he can completely let go of his financial responsibilities. At the end of the day, it's not like I'm the least important creditor on his list. His children do, after all need to be fed. I just don't get why it's even an option in his head to do this to me financially. He knows I can't cover all the expenses on my own. He actually told me today to run a line of credit if I need to, because he doesn't have the money. What the hell?

Well....Wish me luck. The end is near, and the beginning of the end tells me its going to be quite the ride. The next few months are going to be insane. Leave it to an abusive man to hold onto his assholeness right to the very end. And imagine- my family friends ask when I'll re-marry- yeah right. Please- let's go through this torture all over again. No thanks. I'll ride alone after this is done.