Downtown for a Day

I spent the day downtown. It's a weird feeling to be walking around the area where I work in the middle of the office day, watching people walk by in business suits, while I'm strolling in my jeans. It was also delicious at the same time. Yes, I feel a little evil for saying it, but then again...It's the truth.

I met up with a friend and we picked out an awesome pair of Gucci Sunglasses. I love them. Consider it a little gift to myself. After that, I met a girlfriend for sushi. I haven't seen her for a week and a half, and I was seriously going through withdrawal symptoms (missed catching up with her), so it was nice to have lunch and chat. I also met up with my friend Graham after that, and then I went to my chiropractor for an adjustment and to my RMT for a massage. Not bad for a day downtown huh?

In the evening I met up with a friend, and we hung out for awhile, and then had dinner together. I always enjoy this friend's company, so it was nice to spend the evening that way.

My chat with my friend Graham was an interesting one. Graham is a therapist by trade, so my catch up sessions with him feel a lot like therapy sessions, but that's another day's discussion :-).

We were talking about behavior patterns of humans in general. He said that I've spent my past focusing on what people think, what the world thinks, and that this has had the strongest control over me. His interesting observation is that it's starting to shift, that I'm making decisions that are right for me and starting to ignore the input of the world around me. He said that we as humans need to keep an eye on where the locus of control is in our lives. People whose locus of control comes from outside themselves (ie-from other people)- will never actually achieve true happiness, because you can never fully satisfy the needs of an external party. People whose locus of control is internal, meaning it comes from within themselves, these people have true control over their lives and are better positioned to achieve true happiness, because the needs of the external parties are almost irrelevant to them. Interesting perspective. I'm going to keep an eye on this one...

Time to Myself

"If you can come through the snow and the rain and the sleet, you know you can make it easily when the sun is out and everything is all right."
-Malcom X

Today was a day for myself. I went to the gym for a longer period of time, came home, had a snack, and read some magazines. I'm just spending the day relaxing, trying not to think about too much.

I like this quote from Malcom X. I think it fits. I mean, I've been through 11 years of emotional turmoil, and its finally almost over. It's just paperwork and legal administration now. I feel calm. I feel a bit empty. But calm, and optimistic I would say. After all, nothing is worse than what I went through. If I survived that and made it out, I'm sure I can survive just about anything. The road ahead can only get better.

It's kind of weird, but I've been thinking a lot, and if I haven't missed my ex during our two years of separation, it's obvious that there isn't anything much left there, and that it's been over emotionally for quite some time. The rest is now up to me. Where I go, what I do, I can now make my own decisions. I do, however, want him to be really happy. There is no point in being toxic with each other. If he's happy, my children will be happy and so will I. I've never been the type of person who can stand seeing anyone hurt or upset, so I will be better off if he does well with his life.

As for me, my good friend once reminded me that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm not sure what the future will hold for me, but there are two things; no matter what, I'm going to make sure I continue to live my life with integrity, and number two, I'm going to learn from this experience. I don't know if life will give me a second chance at a relationship, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if it matters, unless I can be confident that it would be the right one for me, and that I wouldn't let history repeat itself. Here's to learning and moving on, whatever that might entail.

A Difficult Process

I spoke to my ex last night and he was adamant that he was not going to sign the papers just yet, that he was ready to go to court and hash out everything all over again. That was a very stressful conversation, and I went to sleep expecting a not so pleasant day today.

This morning at 9:30 I received a phone call from my ex. We had a really pleasant chat and agreed to sign the divorce papers today, together. I picked him up from his house, drove to the lawyer, and we signed the papers. The lawyer said he had to draft some affidavits, and that we would have to come back in another 30 days to sign those, and then it would take 2 months after that for things to finalize. I was shocked. I basically told the lawyer to draft the affidavits now, while we wait, and that we would sign them within the hour. I offered to take my ex for lunch while we waited. (What- like you think it would have been easy to get him back to the lawyer's to sign a second set of documents?). The lawyer reluctantly agreed.

I didn't notice my ex put on his sunglasses while signing the documents. I didn't notice his silence, because I was silent too. I mean, signing away a 17 year relationship, and an 11 year marriage was hard to do. I'm not saying that I regret it, because it needed to be done, but it was difficult nonetheless.

When we got to the car, I noticed his tears. I've only ever seen him cry once, so that was a bit difficult for me. I held his hand, we went to the restaurant, ate lunch, chatted a bit about some of the nice times we shared, went back to the lawyers, signed the second set of documents, and came home. All in all, I would say that we got a lot accomplished today, but that it was emotionally draining, and very "heavy".

One nice thing...When we had lunch, he did say some nice and reassuring things. He said that this was tougher for him, because I was a great wife, he told me that it would be difficult to move on after being with someone as caring as myself, and that he knows he was lucky to have been with me. He said that I was for all purposes as close as anyone can come to being the "perfect wife". I'll take all this as a compliment, because I do believe he was being sincere.

He thanked me for having integrity throughout the separation. I'm glad he acknowledged this today. My close friends know that integrity is something that was important to me throughout this process, and that I always maintained that I had to be able to walk away with "a clean heart". His words reassured me that I will be able to do just that.

The finishing touch- the message on my fortune cookie that made us both laugh... "You are never bitter, deceptive, or petty". Words to live by. I'm going to keep this fortune cookie message in my scrapbook. It was a nice reminder to receive during a very difficult process. I'm glad I'm making it through.

Relaxing

I would say today was the first day since my time off that I've actually relaxed. I spent the day with a friend and we had a really nice time. We hung out, had lunch at my place, rented a movie, chatted and then went shopping. I didn't even think of anything stressful. My friend asked for an update on my situation with my ex, but that was about it. It was a nice change.

I spent this evening drafting up a legal agreement around child support. I'll be sending it to my ex tonight, but not signing it until he signs the divorce papers. He's still pushing back on signing those, so this child support agreement is the last card I have left.

As for me, I'll be heading to the lawyer tomorrow to sign the divorce papers. Let's see how that goes. I'm anticipating that seeing my ex's lawyer again won't be the most enjoyable of experiences, seeing that he helped my ex gauge me for money, but since I am hoping this will all soon be over, I'm sure the hour or so in his office should be somewhat bearable. My next step is to convince my ex to go in and sign, and the rest should be smooth sailing (keep your fingers crossed folks)...

Benefit of the Doubt?

OK- It's noon. No divorce papers yet, and I've been sitting at home all day waiting. So I called my ex and he said that his lawyer is in court all day and that he doesn't have an answer for me. He said I'll get served anytime between today and Monday.

Well, I'm not prepared to sit at home all weekend so I looked up his lawyer's number and just called their office. The main lawyer from the firm came to the phone (not my ex's lawyer, but the owner of the firm), and said that he didn't know of any papers being served today. I asked if he was sure and he said that it could be possible that I'm getting papers, but if I am, he doesn't know about it. His recommendation- don't sit at home waiting for the divorce papers. If he finds out anything, he'll call me before sending them to my home. If I'm not going to be here, he can arrange for me to pick them up from his office.

So I asked him "are the papers even drafted?" and he said he couldn't answer my question. I've left a message for the other lawyer to call me, but he won't be in until 3pm. This does not sound good at all.

Honestly, if this is another one of my ex's scams, I'm seriously not going to be civil anymore. I think I've been very patient and courteous and fair....But this is just getting to be too much.

..................................

Well, this is interesting. I just got off the phone with my ex's lawyer. It's now 3:29 PM. He said he has no clue why I was told the papers would be served, because they aren't even ready, nor has my ex seen them, nor has he signed them. This is nice, isn't it. Oh the games that people play.

So here's what I've done. I've told him to prepare the documents and that I will come in to sign them on Tuesday morning. That way, there is no back and forth with mailing. Also, the lawyer said he never received the marriage certificate, although I gave it to my ex a few weeks ago. Without it, they cannot file. I've instructed my ex to give the certificate back to me so I can personally give it to the lawyer.

In the meantime, I've called my ex, told him to go with me on Tuesday to sign the papers. He said no. If I don't want to see him, he doesn't want to see me. I told him that if he won't sign the papers, I'll have to go to the courts for support money. My guess- I think he'll go with me to sign the papers on Tuesday. I feel horrible being this nasty. I just don't feel like I have many options left. I've been patient, I've been nice, and I've tolerated a great deal. But really, enough is enough.

On the plus side, the lawyer did say that if we both sign the papers together, it can be filed as a joint petition which means it gets processed much faster. Hooray for silver lining. Ok- so now I wait till Tuesday. Hey- it could have been worse. I could have been sitting at home all weekend waiting to be "served". Now I just have to make sure my ex goes in to sign them.

Parent-Teacher Interview

Today was ok. It was a busy day- I had lots of doctors appointments for various things, and spent most of the day downtown. I had a really nice lunch with a friend for about 3 hours, (ok a long lunch), so that was a nice break in the day.

This evening I had a parent-teacher interview with my son's school. My ex wanted to come along, and so we had to find a time that worked for both of us. That alone was enough drama.

Tonight we had the interview. My ex was on decent behaviour. I think he was trying to show me that I don't matter to him anymore, which is fine by me. I'd rather have that than all the recent drama. So overall, I can't complain about it. Plus, it avoids me having to spend a half hour phone call giving him an update afterwards. A session with a third party present (the teacher) is waaaaay better than a phone call.

As for me, I have to spend the whole day at home tomorrow waiting to see if these divorce papers will actually arrive. I'm told they "should" whatever that means. He says if they don't come tomorrow, they will come by Monday for sure. Nice way to ruin two whole days. I'm going to call the lawyer directly and find out for sure. If they haven't given the papers to the serving dude by the morning, its unlikely I will get them tomorrow. If that's what the lawyer ends up telling me when I call, I'm going to go to the gym instead of hanging out here unnecessarily.

An Interim Agreement

My ex and I have managed to come up with an interim agreement which although it is not ideal, will suffice for the time being. Now we're going to draft it and sign it. Let's see how it goes. I'm told the papers are on track for Friday. My fingers are crossed. My friends are saying we should throw a big party when this is over. I'm inclined to agree. Enough is enough.

So today, I went to the gym (muscles are getting sore, but thankfully, the knee is holding up), came home and went through the mail, had lunch with a girlfriend, did the dishes, went to mom and dad's for dinner, and then went shopping with my brother and dad. We picked out a bedroom set for me. Apparently, they are on back order so it may not arrive for up to 8 weeks, but the guy is trying to get it in sooner. I told him to try his best, because I was really hoping to have my bedroom re-done before I go back to the office. It was all part of my new beginning thing for this time off. But, I'll find a way to work with whatever I have. Worst case scenario, I'll just paint and finish the drapes and bedding and wait for the rest to arrive.

My son came down with a nasty fever tonight. That is so hard. There is nothing worse than a sick child. It breaks your heart. So, I had to be at the mercy of my ex to see if he could watch him in the day tomorrow. I would do it, but I have 3 doctor's appointments downtown tomorrow. I hate having to ask him for favours, but really, he's unemployed so he's sitting at home anyways, and sick kids don't do much. They just watch TV and sleep all day. I'm sure my son will survive, and really- I need these appointments. I'll just call and check on him throughout the day.

Either way, I'll try to get home early so I can at least ease my own conscience. Oh the joys of being a single mom.

Day 2 at the Gym

I'm amazed. The knee is holding up. Albeit with a knee brace while I'm there, but hey, it's still holding up! I'm thrilled. Here's the cool thing about the gym. Every day gets easier. I did 20 mins of cardio yesterday and managed 30 today. I would like to work my way back up to 1hr. Let's see how this goes.

I spoke to the lawyer today. He said two things. He said I should get my ex to agree to an interm payment plan, even with a slightly adjusted amount until he gets a job again, and I should avoid the courts, because it will just cost unnecessary money. He said my ex can't stay out of work too long, and if he does, he can't use the excuse that he can't support us. With an MBA and a PMP, he should be able to pull his weight in no time, and if he doesn't the courts will side with me on the grounds that he is deliberately delaying. So, I feel re-assured. Basically, I might have a hit for a few months, but only that, and he can't bring it down to zero. Now's the tough part. Getting all this through his head.

Anyhow, I'm sitting with a new perspective. I think I'm going to manage through this. It is, after all, just money. And money comes and goes. Besides all that, it's spring, and sunny, and I'm off for 3 weeks. I have time to re-group, so I'm not going to let this get to me.

I did ask about the divorce papers. I asked if they're still on track for Friday. The answer was "um- sure, yeah, as far as I know, so let's say yes". Hmmm- that was NOT reassuring. I'll wait till Friday, Monday at the latest and then I'll bring in my lawyers. The big guns so to speak.

As for the rest of today, I spent the afternoon cooking. I never get time to cook, and I do enjoy it. I'll pick up the kids in an hour and bring them home to have supper. Hooray for being a mom again.

Ohhh my Knee

Day 1 at the gym. Wow- that was hard on the knee, even with the brace, and all I did was the bike and some weights. This knee is going to take forever to heal. Totally sucks. So much for ever wearing heels again in this lifetime.

As for me, I got the number of a lawyer through the lawyer referral service. I'm hoping to see the new lawyer sometime tomorrow, and then I'll go to the courts on Wed to file my paperwork. As far as I know, the divorce papers are still on track for Friday. I'm really hoping that they serve them on time, and don't delay by a few days. I'm half tempted to sign them on the spot and hand them back to the guy who serves them. I said half-tempted. Keep in mind that my ex is manipulative and sneaky. Therefore, I will read the papers first, with a fine-toothed comb.

I found that I was a bit anxious today. First day off, lots to do with the divorce, went back to the gym, did groceries, but it was very go-go-go. I have a lot on my mind to deal with. I may skip the gym tomorrow if the knee is still out (or just do arm weights). And tomorrow I have the lawyer. Maybe I just need to accept that this week is a write off.

Trying to Keep Focused

It's Sunday. It's a beautiful sunny day outside. I'm sitting here in my family room just loving the warmth from the sun beams. Thank God for sunshine. I'm doing everything I can to lift my own spririts today....Trying to read magazines, have scented oil lit for the aromatherapy factor, trying to de-stress before the children come home at 5pm.

Although a good chunk of my 3 weeks off will be piled with the stress of my ex's most recent stunt, I'm still going to try to keep focused. I'm going to stick to the plan of going to the gym every weekday and journaling every day. I'll deal with the legal crap in whatever time is left in the day outside of those activities. The last thing I want is to go back to work 3 weeks from now even more stressed than ever.

I have an awesome friend who was kind enough to take a look at my separation agreement and give me some advice. He has his LLB but never took the bar, so he's technically not a lawyer, but in my opinion, he might as well be. He was kind enough to download all the forms for me and fill them all out. I spoke to his wife, who is one of my dearest friends, and she told me that all I have to do is sign the papers and go to the court to file them. That will kick off the dispute portion around child support. It's just the beginning of what I'm about to face yet again, but it's so awesome to know that somebody out there cared enough to do all the initial legwork for me. Talk about golden friends, huh?

I spent a few hours with a good friend yesterday. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to forget things for a few hours. This stuff wasn't even in the back of my mind. That was very promising and I think it calmed me down just a bit.

So here's the plan for today- de-stress, sign the paperwork, and play with the kids. Tomorrow, I'll go to the courts to file, go to the gym, and then spend the evening with the children. Tuesday, I'm sure, will have it's own drama.

My goal for this week is to get it into my ex's head that his recent stunt around child support has nothing to do with the divorce papers. I want the papers signed on Friday and the proceedings scheduled in the courts. I want that to proceed on track. The financial stuff will have to be dealt with separately. The last thing I need is to have the financial stuff and the divorce delaying one another. Let's at least get one thing off my plate so I can feel like everything is not hanging in the air. Some sense of normalcy would be nice right about now.

I cannot understand how any human being on the face of this earth could be so cruel. Abusive to his wife, financially destructive, and then just torturing me by delaying the divorce and playing financial games so that I'm in a position where I don't even know if I can make my next mortgage payment. This is just wrong. This is why so many women stay in bad marriages.

Fortunately for me, I'm not the typical single mom. I have a good career, an amazing network of friends and fantastic resources at my disposal. Yes, I'm stressed, but as my dad said to me yesterday "what are you worried about? As long as you have so many people who love you, you will be just fine. No man can take away who you are, or what you are capable of achieving. Once he gets that through his head, he will have no choice but to give up and to leave you alone. Then you will be able to move on". You go daddy. You rock. It is so awesome how my dad can always manage to reassure me.

Wearing me Down

I'm not sure how or when this will end. Every time I feel that I'm getting back on track and getting away from this lunatic ex-husband, something happens to remind me that life will never be that easy.

All I want is to be free. I want to be able to do what I want, without being stalked. I want to make decisions without an ex who asks a million questions when he has no right to do so. I want to be free of black eyes, broken bones and infinite nights crying myself to sleep. I want to be normal again.

Abusive men are like a disease. They never seem to go away. Just when you think that things are going to get better, just when you see a little bit of light coming in through the cracks, they find a way to seal it shut and leave you in the darkness, yet again. I am so tired of this, I feel like giving up.

Today was supposed to be a good day. It was my last working day before my 3 week vacation. I was supposed to wrap things up. I was supposed to be happy. I should not have answered the phone when he called. Sometimes I feel as if I'll never learn.

So here's the routine for today. He called to tell me that he's lost his job, yet again. This much be like the 5th or 6th time that this has happened to him. I don't know what his issue is, but he just can't seem to hold down a job. (Yeah, did I ever know how to pick 'em). So I wait for the punchline, and it comes. He doesn't feel he can financially contribute to the children. I'm listening, half stunned, wondering, 'do you not realize that these are YOUR children? When was being a deadbeat even an option?'.

I've lived my whole life being a responsible person. I make sure that things always end up the way they should. Right now, I'm starting to see that as a bit of a curse. I'm responsible, so he gets to be a loose cannon. Once, just once, I would like to have one irresponsible day, so I could see how it feels to let go of things. Just once. But here I am, yet again, picking up the pieces for him. It's like deja vu. I spent my marriage cleaning up after broken dishes, patching up holes in walls, covering up my bruised face. It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm here cleaning up the financial mess too. I am just so damned tired.

I am so glad I took this vacation time. I'm going to spend it taking care of myself, and doing nothing. While I was really hoping it would be a bit of a break, this recent news tells me that it will consist mostly of visits to lawyers and courtrooms, yet again. And think- I had hoped that the end would be uneventful. Paperwork is what I called it. Hardly. That was wishful thinking. Naive of me, as usual.

Fortunately, I have a good friend with a bit of a legal background who is trying to look into things for me. According to him, just because my ex is unemployed, doesn't mean he can completely let go of his financial responsibilities. At the end of the day, it's not like I'm the least important creditor on his list. His children do, after all need to be fed. I just don't get why it's even an option in his head to do this to me financially. He knows I can't cover all the expenses on my own. He actually told me today to run a line of credit if I need to, because he doesn't have the money. What the hell?

Well....Wish me luck. The end is near, and the beginning of the end tells me its going to be quite the ride. The next few months are going to be insane. Leave it to an abusive man to hold onto his assholeness right to the very end. And imagine- my family friends ask when I'll re-marry- yeah right. Please- let's go through this torture all over again. No thanks. I'll ride alone after this is done.

The Plan

OK- So I've come up with a game plan to help me through the next few weeks. I spoke to my ex and he said that the divorce papers should be ready in the end of next week. I'm really hoping he's not lying to me, because this is dragging on too long for my liking. I actually had a conversation with him today where I told him that this is totally over, and that he shouldn't bother me any more. Let's hope he gets it through his head.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not doing well, and that I need an extended break. Fortunately, I have tons of vacation time coming my way, since I have carry forward weeks from last year. I'm taking 3 weeks off starting this coming Monday. I'll be taking this week to wrap things up at the office, and then I'll get a break for 3 weeks. That should hopefully be enough to get me re-centered again. I really need to function normally. I really need to be myself again. People are starting to notice that I'm not myself. Well, I mean, those around me who care to keep in touch. The rest of course, know very little about how things have been for me lately.

So here is the game plan for the 3 weeks off: gym, journaling, lying around doing nothing, and shopping. It sounds like a plan to me. I'm not sure if I will go away anywhere because that will require too much planning- financial, and then arrangements for the children, so I might have to pass.

Oh yes, I also plan to re-do my bedroom. It's time for me to buy new furniture. The old bedroom set (yes from my married days- very morbid) has to go. I just bought new bedding, so all that's left is new lamps, and a nice coat of paint. That should be enough to keep me occupied for the 3 weeks. Hopefully it will be enough to give me a fresh slate?

Rollercoaster

Good God. I am so very tired of this game with the ex. Every day a different story, every day a new kind of drama. Some days when he comes to drop the children off on a Sunday, I have to hear about how horrible I am, and how he's moving on, and how happy he will be when the divorce is final. Then there are the nights like tonight when he comes in all clingy and needy asking if I'm sure I don't want to re-consider things and possibly reconcile.

Fortunately for me (and I NEVER thought I would say this), my nightmares of the abuse are very vivid, very strong, and are making me sleep deprived and yes cranky. The thought of reconciling ever since I've been re-living everything is just insane.

I looked at him tonight and really wanted to say- yes I would love to reconcile...More black eyes please...But thought, no let's take the high road and not be salty here. I feel sorry for him, and yet I can't stand him...What a weird twisted mix that is. So I politely declined the oh-so-wonderful offer and closed the door as he left.

I'm gonna need therapy for LIFE. This sucks. I marry a bi-polar nut job and I'm the one who will end up in the looney bin. Nice. Real nice.

Being Naive is the Same as Being Stupid

Well, clearly I'm going through a man-hating period. I actually have several things bugging me on that front. Obviously the divorce, which is making me realize how stupid I really was for marrying this guy, staying with him throughout the abuse, and yes, having children with him. I have attributed a lot of my decisions to the fact that yes, I am naive in many ways. I trust people and think that they are worthy of my trust. While that might have been ok in my early 20's, it's no longer ok in my early 30's. At this age, the reality is that being naive is the same as being stupid.

I think I'm naive in many ways- I believe in many people who take advantage of the fact that I can be trusting. I often like to believe that the world is full of wonderful people and a handful of bad ones. I like to think that good things will always come to good people. This is all a load of junk. Good things do not happen to good people, in fact good people experience the worst hardships in the world. If you're a person of faith, you believe that it all works out in the end...But for those who aren't, it almost looks like a better deal not to be one of the good ones, after all- instant gratification is core to human nature, is it not?

Anyhow, naive people get hurt. They get hurt over and over again and they never learn. This is stupid. Naive people are stupid. I'm tired of being naive. I'm tired of trusting. I'm tired of hoping for this crap to end when it doesn't. I'm tired of everything.

I might just benefit from becoming one of those selfish women who looks at her own interests first. I'm not saying that I should harm others, that just wouldn't be me. I am saying that I need to stop putting the world's best interests above my own. So now my question is, 'Is it possible for a naive person to stop being naive?' and if so, how do you go about doing that?

Here we go Again

Just when you think you're starting to feel a bit better, you get hit with a day that seems to throw you back by weeks. One step forward, 10 steps backwards. Sigh. What can you do?

I can't even begin to get into how incredibly crappy a day I had today...Right from the morning to night. It's like nothing went right today. Honest to God, some days I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I'm about at the point where I feel like I need to lock myself away from the world for a few days and tell everyone to leave me alone. It's like some days, I almost feel like I just can't function anymore. I can't think logically, I can't speak logically, and I can't contain my emotions. I mean, I've always been an emotional person, but this is waaaay out of hand, even for me. It's like the emotions have taken over my mind and my ability to think logically.

So- I thought the angry phase was long over. I thought wrong. Admittedly, I'm nowhere near where I was when I first left my ex. But I guess I just didn't expect everything to resurface again during the divorce. I just kind of thought that things would wind down, I'd be rid of my ex, and life would be happy again. I didn't expect him to create so many problems for me, and I didn't expect life to get this complicated. I thought I would be ok.

I think the highlight of my day was when my colleague told me that life will be amazing once everything is final (according to his brother's experiences). I'm really hoping he's right. I mean...If this gets any worse, I'm really not going to be able to get through. Now I know why women don't leave abusive or really complicated marriages. It may actually just be easier to stick it through to the end. Leaving and trying to start over is a far more complicated route....So it better end up being worth it.

As for me...I'm just feeling like an emotional mess. I want this to be over. I want the paperwork done. I want my life back. I want to be able to have normal conversations without crying over random things. Ever feel like running away and starting your life over away from everyone? That's the space I'm in.

Babysitter?

I am totally amazed at what a little bit of free time can do. I'm still feeling great from Sunday. It's like I feel so much better. I know it may only be temporary...But hey- I haven't needed sleeping pills...That's a great sign.

I went to work today, and had a full day of meetings. I feel like work is busy, but manageable. Allowing myself to occasionally cut out early and work from home (albeit because my parents are away) has made a world of difference on the stress levels. Just keeping everything in check I guess.

I spoke with my ex today about the children and schedules etc. I hate communicating with him. Every day that goes by I hate it more and more. I wish it weren't like that, but to be honest, the man makes me a bit crazy. So he's into this newly found single party life, or so he says. I mentioned that he went away last weekend, which is fine...But now he says he wants a babysitter to watch the kids on Friday nights and Saturday nights so he can go out and have fun.

I asked him "so lemme get this straight- you want to spend your limited time with the children parking them with a sitter?" and he said only in the evenings. Am I wrong, or is that totally messed up?

I hate the mind games. I actually have to sit and ask myself if he would really do it, or if he's just trying to stress me out because he knows I won't like it, and he's secretly trying to ruin my evenings so I don't end up meeting new people? Honestly, the mind games are a bit too much for me. I'm half tempted to say "go and have your fun, I'll keep the kids", and the other half says that's a trend I should not let myself start. I'm going to have to think this one out a bit more.

No matter how you cut it, the real issue is, I'm just not devious enough to figure all this out. And I lack the jerk factor, which seems to rule him, so either way, I'm vulnerable and will inevitably get screwed. I'm starting to mistrust men. Are they all like this guy, or did I just pick out the gem of the world when I married him? Arg arg arg.

Friends to the Rescue

Thank God for friends. They are awesome. Funny, sometimes even family doesn't kick in and realize when you're down, but when your friends step up to the plate, that's really something special.

It's no shock to anyone who knows me that things have been building up for awhile. The lack of sleep with the emotional weirdness is making me feel really 'off' these days. All I can say is I wait anxiously for my one weekend with the children, because I miss spending time with them. Right now, I can honestly say that this was the WRONG weekend for me to have the children. I can barely handle myself. My fuse is short, my emotions are high, and it's not good for them.

Friday and Saturday were just bad for me and by Sunday, my good friend called me and told me to drop the children at her place and go shopping. She knows better than anyone that a few hours at a mall and I'm re-charged, like I can start with a clean slate. I don't know what it is about shopping, but it works like a charm every time. I know it sounds a bit sad or pathetic...But hey- there are worse habits out there...Like drinking excessively, for example.

Either way, I dropped the kids off for 4 hours and came back feeling like a new person. I got to walk (with my bad knee- I'm sure I'll be paying for that), and got to feel new again. I was able to be happy and to top it off, when I got back to her place to pick up the children, she had fed my children dinner, and had dinner ready for me. Now that's a REAL friend. I cannot describe how badly I needed one little shoulder to lean on, and this friend was here right in time. This seems to be a trend in my life. Every time I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom one friend or another saves me. Angels. All of them. Thank God for them. I wouldn't dare to imagine where I would be today if it hadn't been for the network of angels that seems to catch me at the right moment and hold me up when I need it.

I'm still afraid to face yet another week, but thankfully, I feel just a bit recharged right now....5 days till the next weekend. One day at a time, right? :-)

Breathing Space

It's funny how some events can give us clarity. My ex is gone away for the weekend. I didn't ask him where he was going, nor did I ask him who he will be with. Quite frankly, I don't really care, and I certainly don't want to start the trend of acting as if I'm interested in him, or his life. Not at this point, not with the current situation around divorce proceedings.

Here's the thing. I have the children alone this weekend. But he's away. That amounts to complete freedom and zero stress. I don't think I realized the extent of the stress his presence has on my life (meaning the close proximity of his home to mine). I mean, while I did know that it's been very stressful to live near him and to have him constantly trying to contact me, I had no idea that just his presence near where I live was the cause of so much underlying stress.

Last night, I was up late working. So I didn't get a lot of sleep, maybe only 5 hours. But last night, I slept without sleeping pills, without tranquilizers, without issue. I was up until 3am walking around the house. I NEVER walk downstairs past 11pm. I'm always afraid of who might be looking in, specifically that he might be loitering around. This weekend, I knew he wasn't here, and as a result, I was totally at ease, walking around the house at 3am, working in my living room (I would never do that), and just enjoying my space.

I thought the alarm system would have given me this peace, but it clearly hasn't. It does help, I mean, I find that I'm no longer listening for sounds at night while I'm sleeping, but it doesn't help everything. His absence from the city on the other hand, was the best thing for me. Sad, but true.

This makes me wonder when I'll ever be able to walk freely in this house. Will it be after the divorce, or am I just deluding myself into believing that? My friend said that men like this get even worse when you're divorced because they no longer have any hopes that they are holding onto. I'm hoping she's wrong. If she's right, that means I need to wait until he meets someone else and moves on. Then he will be someone else's problem :-)

Graham's Psychoanalysis

I met with my friend Graham today. I love chatting with him. He's a professional therapist, so it always makes for good conversation. I always end up feeling a whole lot better when I've spoken to him. Maybe this is a sign that I'm in desperate need of therapy? :-)

He made me realize that everything I'm going through is normal. I actually told him in detail about some of the abuse and he was shocked. He didn't know it was so bad. I mean, how could he? I never told anyone.

He said that given everything I've been through, it's perfectly normal for things to unravel emotionally once the divorce proceedings have started, especially since I've never spoken about it for all these years. I think he has a point. He said that I need to pick a couple of friends that I can check in with on a regular basis and talk out everything- the abuse, the feelings, just if nothing else, then to be convinced that my feelings are normal. That almost sounds pathetic to me, although I do know where he's coming from.

Graham also thinks the vacation is a good idea, because it will get me out of my routine and let me think objectively. I don't know. Everyone has an opinion. Funny- I feel totally messed up these days, but I also feel optimistic, because I know just a few more months and I will have a clean slate. I can't wait.

As for the never ending nightmares, I'm told these are normal, since I've hidden the abuse for 10 years. Graham says that as things wind down, I'm finally able to face what happened, and remember all the details, which explains the nightmares. OK well it sounds normal in textbook terms, but it sounds pretty freakish in real life, so how do you go about explaining that? Now if I could just come to terms with the fact that my recent unraveling doesn't make me a freak, everything would be ok....

Day 1- Parents On Vacation

Well, today doesn't seem to be going too badly so far. I managed to leave downtown at 4 which meant by the time I got home from picking up the children it was about 6. I had started dinner preparations last night, so the evening seems to be going ok. I'm still really exhausted, but I'm expecting that to last a few weeks. If all goes well, I can have the children in bed by 8:30 and have myself in bed by 11. That would be a first, and a treat. If I can manage that, it will mean a full 6 hours of sleep (I get up at 5am), which will be a step in the right direction. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Other than that, just trying to take everything one day at a time. I wish those divorce papers would hurry up and arrive...I keep hoping that the papers will be the final step and then I will be emotionally free. I know it can't be a complete flick of the lightswitch, but then again....can he REALLY bug me much more once everything is FINAL?

Out of Office

I didn't go to the office today. I checked email via blackberry but that's about it. I had several doctor's appointments, and then I had to drop my parents off to the airport. They're gone to California for 2 weeks, so now I have to get ready to do drop off, pick up, make dinner, the whole deal. It means shorter office days, longer nights working. Sigh. 14 days till they come home. I know that sounds insensitive, but, yeah...14 days till they come home. Still, I really hope they have fun. California is a fantastic place.

As for my doctor's visits, I went for 2 primary things- the never ending knee drama, and for my recent emotional state. It's always better to look into these things before they get worse. I can't explain it...Recent ups and downs, it's like I'm not myself anymore....I can't even seem to focus on a simple task.

So I spoke to my doctor, and he basically said it's normal, but that I need to keep an eye on it. He said that a divorce as "ugly" as mine is not easy to sift through, and that expecting it to be quick and easy is unrealistic. He said that even thought it's been two years, the type of crap I went through is enough to cause confusion for anyone....So expecting it to be a quick and dirty is just not right. He also said that my situation was amongst the most difficult that he's seen, and that I need to be fair to myself, and give myself a chance to be human.

That all sounds well and good, but what the heck? I don't want to be with my ex, so why all the stress? I mean, yes- he's being mean and playing games, and being hurtful, but why can't I let it slide off my back? Why the emotional paralysis?

I mentioned that I contemplated a vacation- he said it won't help. "you can't escape your own mind"...Well, that's just great. He said slowing down at work might be good, but not a long leave or anything (THANK GOD!- I didn't want one anyways). Surprisingly, the fact that I've been doing so well at work is a sign to him that it's the one stability in my life....Don't mess with that is his recommendation. He thinks I need it to stay on track, and keep my mind occupied with other stuff right now, stuff other than my crazy ex and his crazy tactics.

He's right...But he sees this continuing for a few more months...Until just after the paperwork is final. Well, that's just great. This is too much for me to bear. As for the nightmares about the abuse that are keeping me up at night, a happy prescription to sleeping pills is his answer. Great. Just great. More pills. Add that to the tranquilizers and you have quite the cocktail mix going on. This is freakish. Why the hell do guys mess up women so badly?

I've been sleeping 3hrs a night for 3 weeks. I'm permanently nauseated....I just don't know why the nightmares won't stop...I have the alarm system...What else do I need?

The one that keeps repeating itself was of the last major time he hit me....It sounds sick to say major, they should all be major...But on this particular time I was nine months pregnant. The blow to my face was so hard that the internal bleeding wouldn't stop. I had visible purple clots on my face under my skin for weeks. I had to call in sick to work. I went to my doctor, and he looked at me and said "young lady- you better hope you don't get an infection on that pretty little face. This is NOT acceptable".

I don't know why I keep remembering that time. I don't know why I keep waking up at night. I don't know why I'm afraid to go to sleep. It's almost like, if I keep myself up at night, I won't have to have another nightmare. If I can just stay awake, I won't have to think about it. But by deliberately keeping myself awake, I am thinking about it. What a sick spiral. Well...I'm told these sleeping pills should do the trick...But they are addictive unfortunately, so that should be quite the treat. Let's just drug me up....Nice.

Sibling Love

I just had to write about this. This is the first weekend that we ever split the children up. My ex kept my son and I had our daughter for one-on-one bonding time. I had a great weekend with her. It was totally fun.

So this morning my son called to say hello and to ask how I'm doing. I know he loves being with me, because even though he only sees his dad on weekends, he always phones me several times when he's there. I have yet to see him ask to call his dad when he's with me. Not being petty, just observing. It doesn't completely surprise me. My ex has a very harsh personality, so I'm not surprised that he would miss the comforts of home and the love and peace that he gets here. That's just the way that it goes I guess.

So while I was talking to my son, he asked if he could speak to his sister. I could hear them both chatting and I heard my daughter say "I love you and miss you too. I don't ever want to be away from you again"! This melted my heart. I have a girlfriend who is a social worker and when I first left my ex one of her many pieces of advice to me was to make sure that I nurture the children's' bond with eachother, because at the end of the day "they only have eachother". At the time, this comment made me a little sad. I mean, they still have parents, we just don't live together anymore. But now, hearing what I just did, I think I understand what she meant.

For these children, their one consistency is eachother. That's HUGE. No matter what happens, they will be together and will have eachother. For children of a divorced household, a constant stable element like this may just contribute to making them well adjusted. Who knows what will really happen, but I am hoping that it will make the difference.

It's funny. The children's conversation is making me feel a bit better too. It's like I can breathe easy knowing that things will work themselves out for the best. All I have to do is provide a safe and loving home, and the rest should fall into place. That doesn't sound so bad.

It's amazing to see the power of love between children. I remember one time, I heard my son tell my daughter that if "anyone ever bugs you, just let me know, I'll protect you forever". Music to my ears. And you know what? I know its 100% true. He will. At a very young age, I told them that brothers and sisters were forever. When my son told my daughter that he will 'be there forever', he then finished his sentence with "because brothers and sisters are brothers and sisters for life". Now THAT is really promising.

Girl Time

Well, as an update to yesterday, yes the furnace has been fixed. The guy came after 7pm and said he "just received the call 10 minutes ago", so that was really bad. Either way, at least it is warmer in the house now, so that's a start.

My daughter and I have a "girl weekend" together this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Last weekend, she didn't want to go with her dad. I think she misses the solitary one on one time with me, so we agreed to spend the weekend together, just the two of us. She's being really sweet about it, and I promised her we would get to do girl things together. I think I'm going to paint her fingernails....She'll be sure to get a kick out of that.

My behaviour with the Sears person yesterday is bothering me a bit. I mean, yes it was stressful, and with the divorce stuff and other things, I have been a bit pre-occupied lately. I think it's having a bigger effect on me than I've been willing to admit. I think I'm trying to tell myself that I am able to go through this with zero emotion, but it's not quite accurate. I'm not saying that I'm regretting my decisions, but I am saying that the entire process is very emotionally draining. It's to the point that (I kid you not), I must have randomly broke down and cried for about an hour yesterday. That's just nuts. I am so embarrassed.

I spent last night asking myself what I can do to help this time pass. I thought of the usual options:

1) Take a week off work- nice option but I did that in December, and here I am again...It obviously is a short term fix but doesn't help me long term
2) Go on a vacation- This sounds great, despite the dent that it would make to the line of credit, but really, its a temporary thing like #1, with the added possibility that I might just come back even more tired than I am now
3) Take a few weeks leave from work- I contemplated this too, but turned it down because despite the fact that it probably would help more than the first two items, I can't afford a leave without pay, and I just don't have it in me to do something like a stress leave (even though I probably am a prime candidate for this type of thing- I mean how many people do you know that are going through what I am, and how often in your life does it really happen? Besides, I can't be on more tranquilizers, sleeping pills, or migraine pills than I currently am). But still, it's just not me, so I'm going to rule that out too. I mean, can you imagine the optics of something like that at work? That would be a career killer, so no thanks.

Hmmm. Look- I've run out of options. Status quo till I break. Good plan.

Shoddy Service

I am so upset right now, I can barely stay composed. My furnace broke down...Last night...Again. I put a heater in my bedroom, packed the kids in my bed and we stayed there last night to keep warm. I called Sears at 8am today and requested emergency service. They told me someone would be here in 2 hrs. I called again. They said 1hr. I cancelled my business lunch with a vendor so that I could be home. Nobody showed. I called them about 9 times today, which is absolutely unacceptable, and is by far the crappiest service I have ever experienced in my life.

I think I'm a decent communicator. I think I explained the problem well. But when I have to call 9 times, and each time be asked "yes, at that address I'm showing a Mrs. Simpson, is that your name", and I correct them and get the same question again the next time, it's just beyond pathetic. What is even worse, is the fact that I have to explain the whole problem over again each time. You would think a company like Sears would have a proper call log.

Well, it's 9 degrees in the house. I'm freezing, and the children are going to be home soon. I couldn't pick them up myself this lovely Friday because I'm home waiting for the stupid Sears furnace fixer. I am so frustrated right now.

Well, this was the breaking point for me. On telephone call #10 to Sears, where I was again asked if I was Mrs. Simpson, and was again told there was no record of my call, I totally lost it. I started to tell the lady that their incompetence was unacceptable, and that it is 9 degrees in my house right now, and that I am a single mother and my children can't sleep here tonight and what the bloody hell does she want me to do? And then of course, I started crying. Nice. Well that was professional.

Well anyways, I guess the Niagara Falls tear factory worked, cuz she says she'll personally make sure they call me. I'm still waiting for that call. Why the hell do they have to piss a customer off so much before they get their act together and finally learn to provide basic customer service?

Slumber Party

God I'm tired. This is like my marathon audit weekend all over again. The only thing I'm missing is the frosted flakes for all my meals. Who am I kidding, I'm NOT missing that. In fact...I don't think I'll ever buy frosted flakes again. That was gross.

So I had to work on some stuff for the office. Went to sleep at 5:30am, woke up around 9:30. Now I feel sick. Nauseated. I'm so dumb for subjecting myself to this yet again.

I'm not going to detail the pathetic-ness of my weekend. Here's something funny though. My girlfriend just called me. Her children are with her ex this weekend, and she's doing a bunch of work as well. She's a teacher and has a pile up of stuff to catch up on. So she called, we chatted and had this hilarious idea. She's going to bring her stuff over here. She'll do her work, I'll do mine, and we can take a gazillion breaks in between and watch a movie or something. Awesome. We'll both get our work done and will have some fun too. She's going to stay over as well. Pajama party- haven't done that since high school. What fun! OK- and a bit pathetic too- "Hi- I'm 34, and for kicks I send my kids to their dad's so that I can pajama party". Who am I kidding...Still fun! And way better than the pathetic plans I had.

Need a Break

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I feel like I need a break. I mean I did the spa thing just about 2 weeks ago, but here I am...Again. I think this is a good way of letting yourself know that you've had enough. When two weeks go by and you feel burned out all over again.

The workload at the office is getting to me. To much to do, no time, too much slipping through the cracks. I am getting so tired. To top it off, this is going to be another crazy working weekend, just me and the laptop. I'm not looking forward to this at all. I'm already tired, and its only 8pm Friday night. I'm waiting for next weekend, so hopefully I can get rest and not have to work. Now that's sad. The pathetic thing is, I think half the people who work with me probably have no clue what I do all day. Now that's weird.

So, I have a cleaning lady coming over tomorrow. I'm glad I'm doing that. I'm not a slob or anything, but its been almost 2 weeks since I messed up the knee and two weeks without vacuuming, cleaning washrooms etc is just gross. So hooray! By tomorrow evening I should have a clean house.

My ex came to pick up the kids. He went on and on about how he's "moving on" and meeting new people. Oh please. Put a sock in it. Like I should care. Please- move on and be someone else's problem. It's not like you were some major prize cookie to begin with. I know...Bitter. But what the heck. I think I have the right to be. I actually want him to be happy, but I don't want him trying to spite me. And while I'm on the topic...I'm the one who left. How can he emotionally move on when I'm still stuck trying to repair myself? That's just too much. And his behavior today is just downright mean- why would you rub someone's nose in that? I don't understand it. How childish...I would never do that to him. ARG ARG ARG - I'm feeling my grouchy side coming out these days, and I don't like it one bit.

Anyhow....I'm looking at that snack basket my friend sent me and yes. I think I'm going to binge and eat it. It looks good and I feel like crap. Instant gratification. Besides. I have a work meeting at 3am. Don't ask. It's hazards of the job I'm in I guess....So tonight will be a late night. I'm planning on going to bed at 5am. Funny thing is, with the insomnia, that's been happening on its own. Watch tonight be the night I actually fall asleep. How ironic would that be?

Knee Acupuncture

Well- I've been back at work for a few days now. I've been trying to take extra precautions- wearing flat shoes, driving into work to avoid the extra walking, parking at one office and scheduling all my meetings in that building instead of walking from one building to the next, but to be really honest, I think I would have been better off if I had waited another week before going back. When I come home at night, the knee gets all swollen again. I think I'm just slowing down the healing which is really bad. On the plus side, I am home Friday, Sat, Sun, so I'm going to park at home, and keep the leg elevated, so I'm hoping it will get better.

Along the theme of trying to heal this knee as fast as I can, I went for acupuncture today. That was totally painful. I'm not sure what made me think sticking a bunch of needles in my knee would actually make the pain go away (rather than just make it increase from the needles), but I think I was hoping it might help in some twisted way. I'm not sure if it did much, but I'm willing to give it one more try. Anything to make it recover faster.

I had two pleasant surprises in the past two days. Yesterday, I came home to find a gift basket sitting on my front porch. As it turns out, my good friend in Ajax heard about my knee and sent me a care basket. That was really thoughtful. It was full of all kinds of snacks, some healthy, others not so healthy, but all of them look yummy. I plan on busting that out over this weekend. This friend is awesome. I think leaving things on my porch is her personal trend. When I was in the hospital two years ago, I came home to a stack of tupperwares full of food sitting on my front porch. She didn't want to disturb me at home, so left it out there, and left me a voicemail saying it was there, so I wouldn't open the door for her. Random kindness. Don't you love it?

Today, my neighbours came back from a trip to Venezuela. I've been keeping an eye on things, salting the driveway, picking up flyers while they were away (well, before the leg thing). They are so awesome. Matt came by to give me a little trinket from their trip. It's a really nice pair of earrings. Some people are so nice. I love having them as neighbours. They are so thoughtful.

So, this morning, I saw a kid shoveling the driveway of one of my neighbours a few houses down. When I start walking again, I'm going to go over and ask them who that was. I'm wondering if I can pay him to do mine. Two reasons for that: Firstly, I'm lazy, and secondly, I'm not exactly walking right now. Hiring a kid to do the work sounds fab.

On another note, the office has been getting really stressful lately. I'm getting a bit tired of some of the garbage politics I'm seeing and my patience is starting to run out. I think that's a sure sign when you need a vacation. I'm thinking I should consider some time off. Refereeing infighting amongst groups isn't exactly my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but there are weeks like this one where you just kind of sigh and say....What the heck am I doing here right now?

Other than that, things are moving along. My parents still haven't left for their vacation yet, and I'm secretly thankful for it. The extra hand here and there has really helped me out a lot. At this rate, I might even be walking normally by the time they actually leave. I'm hoping for that.

Valentine's Day Preparations

I sat at the kitchen table tonight with my two little ones. We were writing out Valentine's day cards for their school. As we were writing I had this little flashback of Valentine's day growing up with my family. I remembered sitting at the dining table writing out my Valentine's day cards for my friends. I remembered the "methodology" I followed when I was little. My children were doing the exact same thing. They would go through the box, and pick out the Valentines that they liked best. Then they would go through the list and find the friends that they liked best and write their names on the card. The process would continue until the children they liked the least were left on the list. Those children would get the least favourite cards. I did the same thing when I was in grade school. My children were doing the exact same thing tonight. But that's not the interesting part. What is really interesting is what came out of tonight's discussions.

I learned a lot about my children, why they like the friends that they like, why they don't like the ones whose cards we did last. I recall my mother asking me the same questions when I was little.

"So why does Jason get the yellow card?" I asked.
"Because yellow is yucky and so is Jason. He's mean to me and tells me to get out of his club".
"I see. And what do you say to Jason?"
"I tell him he's the mean ugly gremlin and princesses don't want to be in their club".
Well....I guess that's a comeback in one way or another. Interesting. I didn't know my daughter had that kind of backbone. I always imagined her to be the sit-in-the-corner-and-cry-your-eyes-out type. But here she was defending herself. Not bad. Hey- at least she's not getting into fights, and also not coming crying home to mommy. I'd say that's pretty balanced.

The point is, I learned the names of their friends, their not so friendly classmates, and got to hear a few funny stories. Children don't always volunteer that info on their own. You usually hear about their most favourite friends, and the least favourite ones, but never the entire class at once. This was really fun. Now I know why my mom would sit with us and talk to us as we wrote our Valentine's Day cards. Aren't mothers brilliant?

This brought back yet another memory. Growing up in an Indo-Pak family in the 70's, my parents took a few years to catch on to all the Western traditions. While we did end up giving out Valentine's Day cards and Christmas cards, it wasn't until I was in grade 2 or 3. I guess it took a couple of years of my receiving them before my parents figured out the custom. My younger brother and sister were a bit luckier because I was the guinea pig. By the time they went through grade school, my parents knew the customs well, so they never missed a thing.

There was one year in particular where my mom bought the three of us Valentine's Day gifts. I remember the year so well because it was such a thoughtful gift, and so unusual to receive something on a Western holiday from my very Indo-Pak mother. When we opened our gifts, we found little packets of cinnamon hearts, and these adorable hand carved, hand painted animal shaped pencil sharpeners for school. There was a pencil with hearts on it, and matching erasers. I was so touched by the gift and so moved that my mother had made such an effort to integrate into "our world" that I never forgot it. I actually had asked her "why did you buy us these?" she replied "because I love you and you will always be my Valentine". My mom is not the most sentimental person in the world, but at that moment, I saw a really soft person making a genuine effort to please her children. It stayed with me forever.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to take that little learning from my mother. I'm going to buy some little trinkets for my children and give it to them for Valentine's Day. I'm going to remind them that they will forever be my Valentines. My gesture for the children may not have the same impact as my mom's efforts did for me, but the funny thing about mothers is that you can never know which of your actions will be remembered the most. I bet my mom had no idea when she bought us those gifts that I would never forget her love and affection, and that the memory would last forever.

20 years from now, I'll find out which memories my children will hold close to them. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing things to remind them that I do think of them, that they are important, and that they will always be loved. That's one of the things I realized recently. No matter where I am, or where I end up, my children will always be two of the people that I love the most in this entire world. A mother's love for her children is after all, unconditional, and the memories we build together do indeed last a lifetime.

Thanking the Children

I was reading a magazine article about a woman who had been through two divorces. She's now in her third marriage, and she says that the third time is a charm. She talked about her experiences, and the emotional difficultly of recovering from divorce, and about how she managed to get through it twice in one lifetime. She said it was easier for her because she didn't have any children from her first two marriages to worry about or focus on. This made me think a little about my own situation. Everybody's situation of course, is different. No two people are alike and so our responses to the world around us are all different.

I think that moving on might have been somewhat easier if I didn't have children because I could just cut the chord and never see my ex again, and never have to deal with him again. I wouldn't have to deal with co-parenting discussions, and visitation, and co-ordinating schedules on a weekly basis. Being childless would also make it easier if I ever decided to start another relationship, but I'm not so sure that life is that cut and dry.

Firstly, I love my children. They are my main focus right now, and they bring me a great deal of joy, and yes, sometimes even some frustration. It isn't easy, but it has been fun. Secondly, I don't know if I want another relationship. I think I'm going to be one of those women who has a hard time trusting men emotionally after everything I've been through. I am of course, trying to heal on that front, but it will take time. The last point, and in my opinion the most important point of all, is that the children are here, they are my reality, so hypothetical what-ifs don't really help anything.

That being said- I do know one thing for certain. I only left for the children. I tolerated a great deal of garbage in that marriage while I was the recipient of the crap and abuse, but I had one golden rule. Just one. NEVER the children. NEVER. When he crossed that line, I left. It was that simple. There was nothing left to debate. So from that perspective, the children saved me, and I owe them for that.

So yes, children can be a heavy weight for some women going through a divorce, but for others they can set you free. Another thing is lifestyle. Some people look at me and say- life would be a lot easier if you were not a single mother. It's really tough to do that on your own. This is also true. But the flipside to that one is that I can manage better emotionally as a single mother. On a bad day, those little hugs can carry me for miles and miles. One look at their faces and I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. I left for a good cause. No regrets. Never look back.

If I were to be on my own right now with no children, I know what my life would be like, because I know myself all too well. It would be me, living downtown in a condo, working insane hours, and coming home to take-out dinners and television, night after night. Weekends would be housework, and the same routine, and everything would be focused on work. Right now, my focus is the children. Because they are a part of my life, I have to work harder. I have to come home in time to read to them, play with them and put them to bed. That means I can't live at the office. I am forced to keep healthy foods in the house, to pack meals for the children (which often helps me pack meals for myself). I am forced to have more in my life than just work and TV, and that makes the transition a lot easier. Plus, the children visit their dad several weekends a month. When I'm alone, yes I do house chores. But I also cherish the "me" time so much more that I make a point of seeing friends and family and spending time just hanging out and living a little. I'm not sure if I would do that on my own. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in things, and I think if I didn't have the children right now, I would be consumed by the office. The children help to balance me, and they give me something more important to work at. I also recognize the need to be mentally healthy. I do, after all, need to be happy if I'm going to take on the responsibility of raising two children. This responsibility is something that I take so seriously, that I have been making a project out of moving on and living a happy, healthy life. Without them, I might have stayed in an unhappy marriage, and if I did manage to somehow leave, I may not have been where I am today. I may have been the depressed woman living day in day out wondering if she will ever meet someone else. My focus might have been to move on and marry again, rather than being focused on personal healing, growth, and maintaining the happiness and contentment that I have right here, right now with these little ones. That's pretty incredible if you ask me.

In a perfect world, I would be doing all these things for myself. Some would say that I shouldn't do this for the children, but that I should be strong enough and responsible enough to put importance on my own well being. True, but this isn't a perfect world, and I'm not a perfect person. What I do know is that every case is different. Who knows? A few years from now, I might become that person, in fact I'm hoping that I will be that person. I'm hoping I will be responsible enough to put more importance on having fun, and on my well being, for no other reason, but that I want to be good to myself. I'm working really hard at getting there, and I'm confident that I will indeed get there. But what I know for sure is that when I get there, I will have my children to thank, because it was their little hands, their guidance, and the responsibility of taking care of them, that is teaching me to be more responsible and better at taking care of myself.

Vacationing Parents

Well, the knee is acting up today. It a bit weird, because it is more stable (less jello-y), so I can walk better, and with less of a limp, but it's more painful. I'm not sure where the pain is coming from. I went out twice yesterday, once to the doctor, and once to the restaurant, but both times I was dropped at the door and picked up at the door. There was almost no walking. And, the doctor told me I could try to start walking again, but to take it easy, meaning if the pain is too intense, I will need to sit down. He told me to drive to work (no running to catch the train), and to avoid meetings from one building to the next. So given that advice, I hardly think the two outings yesterday should have did me in. Maybe it was the cold weather? Either way, I'm home this entire weekend and have no intentions of leaving, not even once. The little setback is concerning me...I just want the knee to get better as fast as possible.

On another note, my parents are going on vacation for 5 weeks. This is great and I'm happy for them. I like to see them spending time away and bonding, and I love to see that they are going to a warmer destination. My dad despises the cold, which always makes me laugh because at 19, when he was picking a place to move to, and he knew he was leaving a warm place like Pakistan, why on earth did he pick Toronto? It's absolutely freezing here in the winter. Don't get me wrong, I love Toronto, and have no intentions of ever leaving, but it does puzzle me that he ended up choosing to move here when he could have gone anywhere. Especially given how much he hates the cold. Life is funny that way. You never know where you are going to end up.

Not to be selfish, but, while I am really happy to see that my parents will be getting a break, I am also just a little worried about what this will mean for me. My parents help me so much with the pick up/drop off of the children, and while I would normally manage for 5 weeks, the recent intensity with my ex means I cannot rely on him if the need arises. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. He picks them up Mondays, I work from home Fridays, so those days will be fine. But this means I have to leave the office by 4pm every day and drive home through an hour and a half of traffic to get the children. That means a tight schedule and a shorter work day for 5 weeks. It means a 9:30-4 workday, since I also drop the children off in the morning. Thank God I work in a flexible workplace. It just means I will be bringing the laptop home every single night, and that I will have to plan a few hours of work every night after the children go to sleep. Dinner however, will be another issue. This now means I will have to cook every night, or cook on weekends for the week. Hmmm. I think I'm going to see a large take out bill over the next few weeks. But those are just small inconveniences.

This is another good reminder of how lucky I am to have so much support from the people around me. Little reminders like this are great. They keep us appreciative of those around us who help us and support us, so we don't take them for granted. I am so lucky to have awesome parents, and to have an awesome boss who gives me this kind of flexibility. Just imagine....Other single moms in my situation would probably be panicking right now. I'm just a little inconvenienced. At least I know I would never lose my job, or get in trouble or anything like that. I am fortunate enough to have the luxury of knowing that I can re-jig my schedule, put in some hours at night/weekends, and nobody will care. In fact, it's quite possible that nobody at the office will even notice. I still fully intend to advise my boss of the situation, just so he knows. It's always better to share this kind of information up front, as a courtesy to others.

Anyhow, my dad phoned me today to "ask" if it is ok with me that he takes the 5 weeks away. I was really touched by this gesture. My parents do so much for me, they certainly don't need to ask me for permission to take time away. But it's just that- my dad knows that my ex has been a bit of an ass lately, and that he's giving me a hard time, which means that I can expect little support from him these days. My parents also know that I depend on them a lot for the children's after school routine. My parents are also is a bit concerned about going away, given my recent wipe out with the knee. I was really touched with by the gesture.

"Of course you should go away. I will be absolutely fine. Honest. Please daddy- don't worry about me at all. I'll just move my work schedule around for a few weeks. Nobody will care at the office". And I meant it. Of course he shouldn't worry about me. At the end of the day, the children are my responsibility. "Yes, but your well being is our responsibility". Those were my mothers words. God Bless them both.

Test Results

Today was busy with office work. I stayed home from work (again), and although my ear is about to fall off from all the conference calls, on the good side, it is really nice to get some work done. Clearing email in between meetings without interruption is pretty cool. I started off on Tuesday morning with around 150 pending items in my Inbox at work. By 'pending', I mean opened and still need to be actioned- either I need to draft a report, do background work, email five other people before I can reply to just one, and so on. It means they require more work than just a simple reply, and that I can't just 'delegate' or 'delete' to get rid of them. I'm now sitting at 35 such emails remaining in the Inbox. That's pretty darn good, considering I still have a regular inflow of email that I'm also managing. I am so much more productive when I work from home. It's unbelievable.

As for my doctor's visit, it went pretty well. The x-ray and ultrasound were both good, which means that nothing is broken and the ligaments don't appear to be torn. That means that I've probably just sprained it badly, and that it will probably heal. The doctor says I will need to wear the tensor on my knee for another month, and stay on the anti-inflammatories for a few more days. He also reminded me that we can't know more at the moment. We need to let the knee heal and see what it feels like in a month's time. Depending on that we may or may not still need to do an MRI. One downside of all this...No heels for some time. That royally sucks. I might as well pack away all my shoes. All but one pair, because I only own one pair of flat-heeled shoes. That's kind of crappy.

But still, the more important point, and the one I'm thankful for is that it looks like I won't need surgery. I can't ask for more than that. Dr. Clive thinks that by Monday, nobody will even notice my limp. He says with the tensor on for the next month, I should appear to walk normally. Without it, I could hurt the knee again. If I hurt the knee again, even just a little bit, I run the risk of major permanent damage. I cannot have that happen. I just can't. Tensor and flat-heeled shoes it is.

A couple of friends took me out for birthday dinner tonight. I had a nice time. It was nice to get out of the track pants and make it out for the evening. It was nice to get out of the house. It was nice to sit and chat. Given, it was hard to walk, but, they let me lean on them to walk into the restaurant, and I was able to discretely rest my leg on the chair in front of me (I know- uncivilized, but nobody could see that), so it all worked out. And I even had super yummy cheesecake. MMMMM!

The Birthday Message

Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday Dear Mommy
You're really Beautiful Too.

Kids can be so adorable. My little babies woke me up and sang their little birthday song. I asked my son where he heard this ending and he said he made it up. Kids are awesome. I especially love their amazing ability to see beauty in just about anything. Like in their mother at 7 in the morning, with unruly hair that hasn't been brushed, no makeup, and well, her PJs. Kids are so awesome. Their concept of beauty is so innocent. I love it. I wonder how long that will last?

I went for the ultrasound on my knee today. I think it is going to be just fine. I'm able to walk now, so that's great. Given, it still feels like jello, but that's ok- the pain is going down, and I can see the kneecap again, so that means the swelling is going down too. That has to be a good sign. I kept bugging the technician to tell me something at the ultrasound, so he did say that he's not a specialist, but from what he saw, everything seemed to look ok to him. He also further qualified it by saying that if there's damage below the surface level, it won't show up on the ultrasound. I'm gathering that this will probably mean that nothing is broken, and that there are no major tears or anything. I'll know for sure after my appointment tomorrow.

As for my birthday, it was pretty uneventful. With a day full of conference calls, a messed up leg, and an ultrasound at 7:30pm, I pretty much expected this. It's fine. I am surprised that my ex didn't even phone or email me. Well, not surprised, not even disappointed (actually somewhat relieved), as I was sort of walking on eggshells. I didn't want some needy intrusive visit under the guise of my birthday. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Last year, he sent me flowers. Given the separation, that just made things more awkward. The flowers somehow come with too many strings. Strings as thick as chains. Thank God I don't have to deal with them anymore.

On that note, I did get a very pleasant surprise today. I got a flower delivery from two girlfriends from the office. I've known both of them for about 8 years, and they've both been here for me throughout everything- the separation, the crazy drama, the insecure moments.

I opened the door, looked at where they came from- Toronto. Near my office. That could only be from my friends. From the handwriting I immediately knew at least one of the friends who had sent them. That was really sweet. I read the card. It was really thoughtful and very inspiring. I'm actually going to save that card forever. I'm going to save that with one of the flowers. I'll press it in a book. This is a keeper for sure.

The best part was not the flowers. It was the card. The card was a reminder for me that things are ok. That I've come a long way, but most of all, that I have absolutely amazing people around me. My friends didn't even sign the card. It just had a message.

Behind you are all the accomplishments and challenges you conquered.
Before you lie the new horizons filled with endless possibilities.
Beside you are your friends for life.

Now THAT made me cry. THAT really made my day. I am so blessed to have friends like that.

Healing

I don't think it's torn. If I had a torn knee cartilage, it would be much worse than this. I woke up to really bad pain, but as the day progressed and as I sat on the couch with my laptop all day (with my leg elevated), the pain has decreased somewhat. I'm still limping, but at least I can walk now. That has to be a great sign. My guess is I sprained it or something, but that it should heal soon. Maybe days. Now I feel dumb. Watch it heal by Monday and I'll walk into the office like nothing even happened. That would be kind of funny. Don't get me wrong, it would be quite a stretch, but would be funny nonetheless. As it is right now, I can't move the leg without the tensor on it, and I can walk (or hop) if I put all my weight on the other leg. Let's just wait and see how this goes. Tomorrow, after all, is a new day.

I finally told my dad the truth last night about finalizing the divorce proceedings. I was holding off on sharing this information with him until I really had to do it, but now I kind of felt that I had to. He was over last night to pay me company, so that was nice of him. I mentioned that I was looking for an alarm system and he asked why- what changed my mind. I decided to tell him everything- the divorce proceedings, that things should be final, my ex going on and off his meds, last weekend's drama, everything. He listened solemnly and took it well. After all, he knew this was coming. I reassured him that I was happy, and that I would be fine. He smiled and said that he was fine if I was, and that I deserved much better, and that he's happy I'm moving on. I had to agree. I think he's right. I do deserve better, and to be honest, even being alone with the children if I never meet anyone again would be better than what I had, so either way, I'm better off. I think my father understands that. Now I can really move on.

As for today, I plugged away all day trying to get caught up on email. No, I'm not caught up. Not even close, but I am plugging away. I did do one thing though. In between conference calls and emails, I managed to get an ADT rep in here. He gave me and estimate, and I signed a 3 year contract. My girlfriends will be happy to know that as of next week, I will have an alarm system. No more fears, no more wondering if the ex will show up....Maybe even no more nightmares. That will be a welcomed change.

So, tomorrow I have the ultrasound on my leg. I tried calling them and asking for a different time, but they wouldn't do it. Just my luck. I was not happy about canceling dinner plans for tomorrow night. Oh well, either way. Maybe an uneventful day will be good for me. I'll be home alone in the day, and I have the ultrasound at night. Halfway through the day today I realized that my drivers license expires tomorrow. Dang. I called my dad and he agreed to get it done for me, so he went to the Ministry of Transport on my behalf. Hey- the way I see it, by the time I can go on my own, my license will be expired anyways, so somebody would have to drive me there. This was equally an inconvenience. My dad brought me back all the renewal papers. He saved me a trip to the registration office, and the frustration of an expired license. Yaay daddy! Parents are so awesome!

Clumsy Clumsy Clutz

Well, this was a great start to the day.

I was rushing out of the house to get the children to school, so that I could get to a course for work. Rushing, rushing, rushing, and as bad as it is to admit this, there was also a bit of annoyed yelling. Come on, I'm a single mom. You must have known that I have my high stress moments, especially on the occasional morning trying to get out the door. I am after all, still human.

"Come on guys- we're late. Mommy really can't be late today- Please hurry up! No more toys! Put those away, wash your hands, put on your gloves!".

Why the HECK do they always give you a hard time on the worst days? My team had a learning session today- I really NEEDED to go to make sure the content covered was appropriate and on track. I buckled my daughter into the carseat and ran back into the house for my son. I grabbed his stuff, ran out the door muttering "I'm putting this stuff in the car. When I get back you BETTER have those boots on your feet young man!". My head was turned because I was speaking behind me and as the door slammed shut, I missed a step and slipped. Fortunately, I landed on my feet. Unfortunately, my leg landed one way, and my body turned the other way. I twisted my left knee so badly I don't even think the labour pain from my first born was as excruciating as this. My son came out of the house, I limped to the car, and then realized I couldn't bend my leg. I had to use two hands to bend it to get in the car. This was not a good sign. Not good at all. Stupid high heeled shoes. Stupid snow. Stupid doorstep. Stupid course all the way in Markham. How frustrating.

By the time we got to my son's school, we were 20 minutes late. Nobody was outside, and the pain was getting worse. I couldn't unbend the leg that I bent earlier. This was really bad. So I did something VERY embarrassing- I called the school, told the secretary I was outside in my car and asked her to come and get my son. I told her I couldn't walk in, couldn't sign a late slip, couldn't get out of the car. She was nice enough about it (thank God), and came out to get him. I ended up doing the exact same thing at my daughter's school. Embarrassing, but what other choices did I have?

Well- so much for the course. I called my doctor and went over there. I ended up getting x-rays and I have an ultrasound booked for Thursday night (So much for birthday dinner on Thursday). Anyhow, I'm going back to the doctors on Friday and we might have to book an MRI for the knee. We have no idea what's wrong with the knee, but it's really swollen- 2 inches bigger than the other knee. I'm really hoping this passes, and that it's nothing major. My doctor said it could be anything from a sprain to a torn ligament to a fracture. That means either it will heal on its own, or it will require surgery. I'm voting for the heal on its own. This is a major inconvenience, and the pain is unbearable.

So - I'm supposed to pick up crutches (but I'm still debating that one), and I'm on pain killers and anti-imflammatories till Friday. I won't be in at work tomorrow, and possibly not the rest of the week. Thank God I have my office laptop with me, or this would be too insane.

Why is it that when you really need to get somewhere on time, something always screws up? This is so typical. I am the biggest clutz on the planet. One of my friends commented that I can dress as nice as I want and wear heels, but the whole world knows I'll still be clumsy. Nice. Well, hey- no more heels for me for at least a few weeks. Grannyville here I come.

The Ring

I forgot the ring. Fortunately, so did she. My daughter lost her little sparkly ring at the movie theatre yesterday. You have not seen sadness until you see the tears of a 4 year old as she cries over her long lost precious sparkly ring. What a drama queen. This kid cried for 3 hours yesterday over some silly dollar store ring that she lost at the theatre. I had promised to buy a replacement today and forgot. My girlfriend at the office even reminded me not to forget the ring today, but I still forgot it. I'm just hoping she doesn't remember tonight. That way I can buy a new one tomorrow and she won't know the difference. Geez...The things we go through as parents.

I spent about a half an hour researching alarm systems today. I didn't want to experience the fury of my friends, so I decided to follow through on this one. It's kind of scary- I mean, you never think your life will turn out this way, but somewhere along the way it does, well for some of us anyways. If you had asked me 12 years ago, I would never have believed that I would one day be shopping for an alarm system to protect my home, myself and my children from my psycho-nutcase of an ex. But here I am- the joy, the joy. And think- many people tell me that I'm one of the lucky ones. That is so true, which is totally sad.

Well, like I said, despite how insane this past weekend was, I am grateful for it. I'm actually looking forward to the divorce papers. I need this to be over. I need my space. I spoke to some of my friends last night, and one of them worked at a woman's shelter for several years. She basically told me to brace myself. She said that in situations like these, when things become totally final and irreversible (like this), that's when the psycho-ex becomes a real psycho-ex. (WHAT? You mean I haven't seen the REAL psycho side yet? That is nuts!)

She basically warned me that it will likely get much worse before it gets better. Well- that's nice. I'm REALLY looking forward to that. OK- so to all my Muslim friends- what the heck happened to "God will never give you more than you can bear"? I think I've kind of reached the "not able to bear any more" line right about now. Hopefully there won't be much more coming my way. HOPEFULLY.

I'm also looking forward to an alarm system. Maybe it really will help me sleep better at night. That would be...Peaceful. I won't feel as tired or cranky and that sounds fantastic. My co-workers will be happy. Birds will sing in my neighborhood again...Maybe even on my front lawn. People will no longer fear cranky Indian girl with the bad attitude. My voice will be chipper and sound melodious. YES- I'm kidding....Obviously the lack of sleep is getting to me. But I'm still smiling, and right about now, laughing...At myself and my crazy thoughts. That's a good thing, right?

Sunday Night

It's Sunday night, and funny enough (despite the major lack of sleep), I had a pretty good weekend. The children were with me, and despite all my major plans, some of which fell through, I had a nice time with them.

I spent Friday evening and Saturday morning with my girlfriend, her husband, and their son. The children had a blast together, which was great. On Saturday evening, I was supposed to attend a dinner party in Scarborough with the children. That's an hour away from here, but it was with friends that I really wanted to see and we were all looking forward to it. On Saturday evening, there was so much snow and freezing rain in this part of town that I didn't feel safe spending a total of 2 hours (round trip) on the road. I reluctantly cancelled my plans, but felt really crappy about it.

Despite the change in plans, my children and I had an awesome evening. We took a big blanket in front of the TV, busted out some popcorn and cuddled and watched movies. We hung out and played together. It turned out to be a lot of fun.

Today, I took the children to see 'Hoodwinked' with a girlfriend of mine. We had a nice time, and the children REALLY love this friend to the point that they refuse to call her auntie. I told them that it was disrespectful to keep calling her by her first name, but then they explained that they do it because she is "their friend" as opposed to being "my friend". Interesting perspective. I started to protest and tell them that she was my friend first (trying to prove the point that she's older than them and therefore an aunt), and then I realized that I would end up sounding more childish than my 4 year old, so I stopped. Seeing as I lost this one, they will continue to call her by her first name. My friend doesn't seem to mind so it's all fine for now.

Right now, I'm lying on my bed, typing on my computer and my party-animal daughter who refuses to sleep is lying here on my bed with her head resting on the small of my back, and she is singing cute little songs. This is nice. What a nice end to a weekend. Life can be really good sometimes.

Reminders

Every time I reach a point where I start to doubt my decisions, I get a little reminder that I shouldn't. The way I see it, either God really looks out for me, or the world is just one big sick joke. I'm going to be an optimist and assume that He looks out for me.

This time, it came to a point where my ex and I were trying to co-parent the children as "friends". I now know that friendship will never be in the cards for us. We can maintain a civil relationship at best, but that's if we're really lucky. Thinking about it now, I suppose it was a bit unreasonable to hope for a friendship, but I am where I am, and for that I am grateful.

The "incident" that I experienced this weekend with my ex was another loud and clear reminder that I'm going to have to maintain a distance here, and that I really do have to detach myself from him, from the legacy of this marriage, from the entire situation. I think I need to learn to deal with my personal life in the same manner that I do my professional one. Decisions need to be as logical and as objective as possible. Moving forward, this relationship with my ex will have to be approached like a business transaction.

A long late night conversation with my good friend last night left me wondering why for 12 years, why in this marriage I have been unable to look at things from an objective perspective. Why have I been unable to step back and give myself the same advice that I would give to a friend in the same situation?

My girlfriend and I chatted about some of the extra "precautions" I need to take- an alarm system for my home was one example. I think I've wanted to trust things so badly that I haven't considered the reality of my situation. But she's right. I need to protect my home, my children, my sanity. When you are sitting up in your bed at 3am afraid to fall asleep because you don't know if your not-so-stable ex may decide to come and break into your home or something, you know there is an issue. When you end up with two hours of sleep because every sound you hear at night sounds like 'someone' loitering in your backyard, you know you can't keep going with the situation as is.

Something has to change, and I owe my girlfriend a hell of a lot for pointing that out to me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, the dysfunctional events in my life were permitted to repeat themselves so often, that I have become a bit de-sensitized to them. I no longer see their seriousness when they occur. Now that's really frightening.

Even when my girlfriend made the suggestion around the alarm system, I tried using the excuse that an alarm system would hit me for another $40 or so a month and that the expense would be too much to handle. She sarcastically said "Oh please. Your waxing budget is more than that. You're better off going with hairy legs and having an alarm system in your house. Get your priorities straight".

She's got a point. I need to do this. I am, after all, dealing with an ex who is not exactly the most stable person in town, and this weekend's drama was a stressful, but well needed reminder of that. My friend is right. I'm going to have to get an alarm system. But I won't cut the waxing budget...I'll have to find something else. (What- like you REALLY thought I would do that? Please!)

The difference between my reaction this weekend and my reaction in the past is that I'm a bit calmer now. I was able to maintain composure this time through, mainly because I can see an end in sight. The divorce should be totally final by summer. And while this weekend was stressful, and did impact me in some ways (such as not getting any sleep), I do feel well enough, and I will make it through the upcoming work week in good spirits. A bit sleep deprived perhaps, but still in good spirits.

I'm hoping that when the summer comes, and things are final, that I will be able to breathe a bit easier. That I won't have to look over my shoulder quite as much, that I won't have as many stressful weekends, and won't be counting down the weekend hours, anxiously waiting for Mondays to come. And hey- if nothing else, I'll have a nice new alarm system to help me sleep better at nights. NEVER underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.

Home Again

I got home last night from the event that I went to. It was fun. I had a nice time. At first, I felt a bit awkward going to a party with my colleagues all dressed up like that (I barely dress up for an Indian wedding where all the women cluck cluck cluck about each other like hens), so a bit out of character for me. But I had a nice time. I got back to my room around 2am and went to sleep around 4am. My blackberry rang at 8 and woke me up (idiot for not turning it off), so I had little sleep at the hotel.

The spa thing was nice. You never realize how tired you are until you lie down on the massage table. I fell asleep during the massage, which makes it feel kind of like a waste, but hey- I had fun at the spa, and that's what counts. Seeing my little darlings when I came home was awesome, and I let them sleep in my bed last night (ok- they sly talked me into it). But it's a king size bed, so there was lots of room. I think the relaxing thing took over because I slept 9 hours last night. I don't think I've had that much sleep in one night since my son was born. It was awesome.

Now I'm just trying my best to catch up on all the work emails. I've been trying to work through them, but there are a lot so it will take some time.

I think the break away was good for me...Even if it was short. It gave me a little breather, and I feel better. I think the past few weeks since my ex told me about the divorce papers were a bit rough, but I'm feeling better now. I'm ok with my place in the world- ok with being almost 34, ok with the single parent thing, ok with never meeting another person again (if that's what the future holds relationship wise). I think I'm actually really ok with all this.

Part of it was running into colleagues that I never get to chat with. I saw a lot of people that I've known for some time, but never get to catch up with. I had the time to have one on one conversations with some of them. They asked how I was, how the kids were, how my husband was, so I kind of felt compelled to fess up about the whole husband deal. I'm going to qualify this by saying- no, I did not sob on people's shoulders- they were a few-minute conversations each where I only divulged info when specifically asked how my 'husband' was doing. Telling a sob story at an office event like this would just be wrong.

From the 2 people I briefly fessed up to (after being asked how my 'husband' was), I did end up feeling like I was doing alright- I think they pointed it out to me. The reaction was "WHAT? You went through a separation and still look like that? You look pretty happy. What the heck? And how did you do so well at work while going through that much??"

The truth is, I don't know how I did so well, I don't know how I managed, but I think I've been too hard on myself. It was nice to be reminded of how lucky I am, and how much I should be thankful for.

And all that from an office party- who would have thought?