Reminders

Every time I reach a point where I start to doubt my decisions, I get a little reminder that I shouldn't. The way I see it, either God really looks out for me, or the world is just one big sick joke. I'm going to be an optimist and assume that He looks out for me.

This time, it came to a point where my ex and I were trying to co-parent the children as "friends". I now know that friendship will never be in the cards for us. We can maintain a civil relationship at best, but that's if we're really lucky. Thinking about it now, I suppose it was a bit unreasonable to hope for a friendship, but I am where I am, and for that I am grateful.

The "incident" that I experienced this weekend with my ex was another loud and clear reminder that I'm going to have to maintain a distance here, and that I really do have to detach myself from him, from the legacy of this marriage, from the entire situation. I think I need to learn to deal with my personal life in the same manner that I do my professional one. Decisions need to be as logical and as objective as possible. Moving forward, this relationship with my ex will have to be approached like a business transaction.

A long late night conversation with my good friend last night left me wondering why for 12 years, why in this marriage I have been unable to look at things from an objective perspective. Why have I been unable to step back and give myself the same advice that I would give to a friend in the same situation?

My girlfriend and I chatted about some of the extra "precautions" I need to take- an alarm system for my home was one example. I think I've wanted to trust things so badly that I haven't considered the reality of my situation. But she's right. I need to protect my home, my children, my sanity. When you are sitting up in your bed at 3am afraid to fall asleep because you don't know if your not-so-stable ex may decide to come and break into your home or something, you know there is an issue. When you end up with two hours of sleep because every sound you hear at night sounds like 'someone' loitering in your backyard, you know you can't keep going with the situation as is.

Something has to change, and I owe my girlfriend a hell of a lot for pointing that out to me. Somehow, somewhere along the way, the dysfunctional events in my life were permitted to repeat themselves so often, that I have become a bit de-sensitized to them. I no longer see their seriousness when they occur. Now that's really frightening.

Even when my girlfriend made the suggestion around the alarm system, I tried using the excuse that an alarm system would hit me for another $40 or so a month and that the expense would be too much to handle. She sarcastically said "Oh please. Your waxing budget is more than that. You're better off going with hairy legs and having an alarm system in your house. Get your priorities straight".

She's got a point. I need to do this. I am, after all, dealing with an ex who is not exactly the most stable person in town, and this weekend's drama was a stressful, but well needed reminder of that. My friend is right. I'm going to have to get an alarm system. But I won't cut the waxing budget...I'll have to find something else. (What- like you REALLY thought I would do that? Please!)

The difference between my reaction this weekend and my reaction in the past is that I'm a bit calmer now. I was able to maintain composure this time through, mainly because I can see an end in sight. The divorce should be totally final by summer. And while this weekend was stressful, and did impact me in some ways (such as not getting any sleep), I do feel well enough, and I will make it through the upcoming work week in good spirits. A bit sleep deprived perhaps, but still in good spirits.

I'm hoping that when the summer comes, and things are final, that I will be able to breathe a bit easier. That I won't have to look over my shoulder quite as much, that I won't have as many stressful weekends, and won't be counting down the weekend hours, anxiously waiting for Mondays to come. And hey- if nothing else, I'll have a nice new alarm system to help me sleep better at nights. NEVER underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.