Thanking the Children

I was reading a magazine article about a woman who had been through two divorces. She's now in her third marriage, and she says that the third time is a charm. She talked about her experiences, and the emotional difficultly of recovering from divorce, and about how she managed to get through it twice in one lifetime. She said it was easier for her because she didn't have any children from her first two marriages to worry about or focus on. This made me think a little about my own situation. Everybody's situation of course, is different. No two people are alike and so our responses to the world around us are all different.

I think that moving on might have been somewhat easier if I didn't have children because I could just cut the chord and never see my ex again, and never have to deal with him again. I wouldn't have to deal with co-parenting discussions, and visitation, and co-ordinating schedules on a weekly basis. Being childless would also make it easier if I ever decided to start another relationship, but I'm not so sure that life is that cut and dry.

Firstly, I love my children. They are my main focus right now, and they bring me a great deal of joy, and yes, sometimes even some frustration. It isn't easy, but it has been fun. Secondly, I don't know if I want another relationship. I think I'm going to be one of those women who has a hard time trusting men emotionally after everything I've been through. I am of course, trying to heal on that front, but it will take time. The last point, and in my opinion the most important point of all, is that the children are here, they are my reality, so hypothetical what-ifs don't really help anything.

That being said- I do know one thing for certain. I only left for the children. I tolerated a great deal of garbage in that marriage while I was the recipient of the crap and abuse, but I had one golden rule. Just one. NEVER the children. NEVER. When he crossed that line, I left. It was that simple. There was nothing left to debate. So from that perspective, the children saved me, and I owe them for that.

So yes, children can be a heavy weight for some women going through a divorce, but for others they can set you free. Another thing is lifestyle. Some people look at me and say- life would be a lot easier if you were not a single mother. It's really tough to do that on your own. This is also true. But the flipside to that one is that I can manage better emotionally as a single mother. On a bad day, those little hugs can carry me for miles and miles. One look at their faces and I know I'm doing this for the right reasons. I left for a good cause. No regrets. Never look back.

If I were to be on my own right now with no children, I know what my life would be like, because I know myself all too well. It would be me, living downtown in a condo, working insane hours, and coming home to take-out dinners and television, night after night. Weekends would be housework, and the same routine, and everything would be focused on work. Right now, my focus is the children. Because they are a part of my life, I have to work harder. I have to come home in time to read to them, play with them and put them to bed. That means I can't live at the office. I am forced to keep healthy foods in the house, to pack meals for the children (which often helps me pack meals for myself). I am forced to have more in my life than just work and TV, and that makes the transition a lot easier. Plus, the children visit their dad several weekends a month. When I'm alone, yes I do house chores. But I also cherish the "me" time so much more that I make a point of seeing friends and family and spending time just hanging out and living a little. I'm not sure if I would do that on my own. I have a tendency to get wrapped up in things, and I think if I didn't have the children right now, I would be consumed by the office. The children help to balance me, and they give me something more important to work at. I also recognize the need to be mentally healthy. I do, after all, need to be happy if I'm going to take on the responsibility of raising two children. This responsibility is something that I take so seriously, that I have been making a project out of moving on and living a happy, healthy life. Without them, I might have stayed in an unhappy marriage, and if I did manage to somehow leave, I may not have been where I am today. I may have been the depressed woman living day in day out wondering if she will ever meet someone else. My focus might have been to move on and marry again, rather than being focused on personal healing, growth, and maintaining the happiness and contentment that I have right here, right now with these little ones. That's pretty incredible if you ask me.

In a perfect world, I would be doing all these things for myself. Some would say that I shouldn't do this for the children, but that I should be strong enough and responsible enough to put importance on my own well being. True, but this isn't a perfect world, and I'm not a perfect person. What I do know is that every case is different. Who knows? A few years from now, I might become that person, in fact I'm hoping that I will be that person. I'm hoping I will be responsible enough to put more importance on having fun, and on my well being, for no other reason, but that I want to be good to myself. I'm working really hard at getting there, and I'm confident that I will indeed get there. But what I know for sure is that when I get there, I will have my children to thank, because it was their little hands, their guidance, and the responsibility of taking care of them, that is teaching me to be more responsible and better at taking care of myself.