Spider Pig

Those of you who have seen the Simpson's Movie know what I'm talking about. My son is too young to watch the Simpsons, but he has seen the commercial for the movie since it just came out on DVD, and the commercial has been playing often enough. From that commercial, he caught a glimpse of Homer holding the pig upside down and letting it walk on the ceiling. My son found it amusing.

This morning, as I was getting dressed in my room, I heard from the kitchen below me "Spider pig, spider pig, friendly neighbourhood spider pig".

I smiled as I was putting on my makeup. He is such a crackup.

Then I heard him fall. Hard. Followed by a 5 second silence.

Now any mother knows that when a child falls and you don't hear a cry, it is BAD. It means they are unconscious, or totally knocked the wind out of themselves. So I ran down stairs. He was on the kitchen floor. I asked if he was OK. Then he started crying. I picked him up and checked his head for bumps.

As it turns out, my brilliant son was walking on the kitchen counter while pretending to hold a pig upside down and let it walk on the ceiling. Stupid Simpsons show.

Anyhow, I was glad to see that there weren't any bumps. Then I saw the blood. On his ear. The part of his ear that connects to his head, you know, the top of the ear, where your eyeglasses sit? Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God. Now what?

Here is the deal:

• I knew he needed stitches
• I knew that the hospital would have a 9 hour wait (if you are lucky)
• I knew of a walk in clinic nearby, but didn't know if they would do stitches
• Guests would be arriving in Chuck E Cheeses for the birthday party within an hour.
  

Think fast baby, think fast!

I grabbed some gauze, cleaned the would, told my son to apply some pressure to it. We hopped into the car and went to the walk in clinic. They explained that yes he needed stitches, and that no, the regular stitches wouldn't work. Because this is not a fleshy part of the body, it would require extra fine stitches which are carried in emergency rooms only.

I explained my predicament to the doctor. We have a birthday party in an hour. Should I cancel it? He said no. Fortunately, he is also an emergency room doctor. In his expert opinion, liquid stitches should do the job just as well, and would get us out of there within 30 minutes, and he would still be able to attend his party. Saved. One caveat- if the liquid stitches were to open again somehow, I would have to go to the emergency room to get the other ones done. I agreed.

Anyhow, its over, thank God. Leave it to my son to add extra drama to the day.

Stupid Spider Pig. Stupid Simpson's Movie. Stupid boyish curiosity.

My son's answer to the day- "Well, I guess I won't be doing that again".

I should hope not young man. Sheesh. He sounds just like his mother sometimes.

The Drama of the Desi Community

Only in the desi community do people get offended if they don't get an invite to something. Seriously. This is precisely why we end up having like 800 people at our weddings.

Yes, I am having a tiny birthday party for my son at Chuck E Cheese's on Saturday. Here are the details:

• I didn't want to have a party at all, but since I had one at home for his sister, I couldn't avoid having one for him
• I tried to get his dad to throw the party, but his dad opted to throw the party "next year"
• Having a party at home was not an option for 8 year old boys
• I didn't want to incur the expense of a party. Correction- I couldn't afford the expense of a party
• My solution- 5 friends of his choice at Chuck E Cheese's. None of my friends. None of their kids, and NO family either. This would keep costs down
• So my son picked 6 friends. I said fine. Yes, it's quite possible that you are an awesome friend of mine, but not in the 6 that he chose. What can I do?
• If you have the nerve to be upset about not getting an invite, then that's up to you. At the end of the day, I think a good friend would understand that financially I cannot dish out $500 for a large birthday party at this time. I opted for the $100 party. Deal with it.

Sheesh. Only desi people would be so weird to get offended over a kid's birthday party. Now I know why I stay away from the community.

Sigh.

Build A Bear

My daughter has a Build-A-Bear that we got her when she was about a year old. Actually, it was a gift to her from a girlfriend in California at the time. My daughter loves the bear (actually, it's a bunny, and her name is Mimzy). Recently, she asked if I could take her to the Build-A-Bear Workshop, and I assumed that this meant that she wanted another bear. I waited until after Eid, so we could spend her Eid money at Build a Bear.

Today, we were at the mall buying stuff for loot bags for my son's upcoming birthday party. (I know- insane day to hit the mall). Anyhow, I decided to pop into the Build a Bear while we were there. My daughter was in awe. She loved the place. When she was done looking around, I asked her to pick a bear so we can proceed to build it. She looked shocked.

"No mommy! I didn't want a bear. I just wanted to see where Mimzy was born".

"Seriously? Ok- well I brought your Eid money. I thought you wanted to build another bear".

"No mommy- I can't! If I do that, Mimzy would be heartbroken and jealous. I don't want to break her heart. If I do that, it will break my heart!"

My gosh. My heart melted. How adorable.

Just as I was ready to leave, my son asked for a bear. I told him it was his decision, as we would be spending his Eid money. He was OK with it. My daughter wanted to pick up some clothes for Mimzy.

Thirty minutes later, we left the store with two happy children, and a new addition to our family. My son swears that he will sleep with Husky the dog every night, and my daughter is thrilled with the "Hello Kitty" pajamas she picked up for Mimzy, fully equipped with matching ribbons for Mimzy's ears.

Kids are absolutely adorable. My daughter's words were so cute and so genuine, that I don't think I will ever forget that precious moment.

Thank God for them. They keep me laughing. I can't imagine if there was anything that REALLY made my happy before they came into the picture.

It's interesting- I'm still in court, life is still stressful, I still have down times, but I have more
happy moments than I ever did before the divorce. Life is funny isn't it?

Merry Christmas Everybody!

I am having a lovely morning with the children. I woke up to two little smiling faces. They were in beautiful moods, and so loving with each other. They came down and watched Christmas movies on TV, and I made a nice big breakfast for them. I even let them watch TV and have breakfast on the coffee table in front of the TV (which I never do).

It's calm here at home today. I couldn't have asked for more. Given the amount of stress I've been having lately, a calm, "at home" morning is exactly what I needed.

Tonight, we will be going to my sister's place for dinner. I'm looking forward to the calm, family day.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Back From NYC

I found a last minute flight that left on Sat and came back this morning. Although the travel for the flight out of Pearson was totally nuts on Saturday (this is totally the craziest time of year to be traveling), the return was not so bad. And I am REALLY glad that I went. I really wanted to see Mr. NYC, and I needed to get out of here for a few days. Like I said, I'm totally glad that I went.

On a personal note, I am finding that the pressure has built up on many fronts:

1. Emotionally from the court case
2. Financially (big time) from the court case
3. Work has gotten very busy (hey- you can enjoy what you do but also be swamped, right?)
4. Lately, I have this intense desire to stay away from all my friends, with the exception of one... Not sure what's going on there, but I'm hoping it will pass. It's very messed up when an extrovert shuts the world out. It's probably not healthy for me in the long run...
5. I also really need to get my gym routine back. Although I haven't put on weight, I am definitely less toned than I was two months ago, and I need to get that toned feeling back again. I also need the happy high I get from working out. Actually, I need that more than I need air these days. Let's hope i hop back onto the routine before going back to work on the 7th.

So my goal for the next 2 weeks is to somehow pull myself out of this headspace.

Oh yes, and Happy Birthday to my son, who turns 8 today. We will be having cake today, and having his birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's on Saturday. Happy Birthday baby! :)

The Children Just Left

It's weird. They have been driving me nuts the past few days. But they left for their dad's two and a half hours ago and now I feel lonely and a bit down. I just can't win.

I picked up 3 movies to watch over the weekend. I know- pathetic. But this is going to be my "leave me alone" weekend. I'm actually trying to get last minute fares to NYC for the weekend, if that's possible. That would definitely break up the weekend. Keep your fingers crossed...

Boring Eid

I took today off for Eid. In fact, I am off until Jan 7th. This, however turned out to be one of the most boring, crappiest Eids ever. And to top it off, this was yet again, another divided Eid. Half the world celebrated yesterday, the other half celebrated today. When will we ever get our shit together?

I would rather have been at work. The highlight was visiting my sister, which was nice. Other than that, it didn't even feel like Eid. It felt like any other day of the week, except I gave up a vacation day. What a waste.

I had a bunch of plans for today and they fell through. So here I am. Feeling annoyed, tired, and feeling like this was a waste of a vacation day.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day. Over the holidays this year, I would like to go to the gym, and stay the hell away from people. I'm a little extroverted out. With the exception of one or two friends who I don't mind seeing, I think I would like to be a bit of a hermit.

Here's to telling most of the world to back off and give me some mental space...

Learning Disorders, ADHD and Stuff

I was working with my son on his homework the other day. It was math, and was mentally taxing for him. He had to keep thinking and re-thinking all his answers. It was tough, and very frustrating to help him get his work done. He kept making excuses, kept saying that he didn't want to do the work. Then, finally, I sat him down and forced him to do it. I had to sit with him and stay on him. Every couple of minutes, he would get distracted and start looking around. But I stayed on him, and was determined to make sure that it got completed.

As we neared the end, and had just three questions left to go, I was faced with the start of a tantrum. "I can't do this anymore! I hate this! Do you hate me? Why do you make me do this work? It's so FRUSTRATING!"

This is where I started to get annoyed too. I mean, sitting here riding him to do his work isn't exactly a cup of tea. I was NOT enjoying this at all, and to top it off, I have to deal with this? You must be kidding me.

I told him that he had to finish his work. That I understand it isn't always fun, but it is important. He wants to be a car journalist, and car journalists need to finish school.

And then he tried to explain it to me. This is where my heart melted and totally went out to him. "Mommy, you don't understand. Somehow my brain feels full. Like it can't hold any more information. Like it's going to explode if I read even ONE MORE word. Like a computer that freezes when it can't work anymore because you made it open too many windows at once. I want to finish the work, but I just don't know how to make my brain do it".

And then it hit me. Sometimes I forget that we still have to do all these tests. That maybe, just maybe I am pushing him beyond his limits. The computer analogy really hit home, and I felt guilty that I had to make my 8 year old beg and plead for me to understand that just maybe, his brain may be wired differently than other children. I sometimes forget that this might be the case.

"Honey, why don't you go and play for 20 minutes? I understand completely. My brain gets full sometimes too. I can call you back to the kitchen table in 20 minutes".

"You won't be mad that I needed a break?"

"No baby. I understand. Honest".

I get it. I really do. I know that we don't know for sure if he has ADHD, but until we find out for sure, I'm going to trust him when he tells me he has reached his mental limit.

So I'm Lame...

I worked from home today. But in my defense, traffic was bad, I had no meetings today, and I really didn't feel like driving for MORE than the 1.5 hours that I do each way every day. Three hours of a round trip commute is about all that I can handle on a daily basis, and the thought of it being longer due to bad weather was just unbearable.

On the plus side, I had a very productive day. I cleared my inbox down to 18 items. Not bad at all, if I do say so myself. I was even able to spare 20 minutes to go to my lawyers and drop off another check. Yes boys and girls. I got my year end bonus on Friday, and wrote a check for the ENTIRE amount to my lawyer. That hurt. Big time.

I decided to pick the kids up from school at 3pm. I've been working some Fridays lately, so I haven't been doing much of it. I figured that since I was working from home today, it was a good opportunity to surprise the children. They were so happy to see me. As we ate our after-school snack, they were such little chatterboxes, and they made me laugh. They had chicken noodle soup and hot chocolate to warm them up after school.

Just now, I gave them dinner. Butter chicken and naan that I made yesterday. My son is so accustomed to the butter chicken from Bombay Bhel that he was thrown off by this. His response:

"This isn't really butter chicken. But don't worry mommy. It's very good whatever it is".

Seriously? Whatever it is? It's butter chicken dammit. I followed the recipe to a tee. Just because he is used to it tasting a certain way, doesn't mean this is wrong. I used just the right amount of cream, and I thought it was awesome. And look at the little politician's response- he at least was kind enough to tell me it was good. I think he meant it too, because he ate all of it and asked for more. Hilarious. Even his dad never said anything like that about whatever I cooked. He would eat whatever I made and tell me it was great, even when I knew it didn't turn out quite right. I guess that was one good quality in a not so great guy ... I guess we all have at least SOME good things about us. That was his.

Anyhow, next my son started talking about Mr. NYC. Yes, he's met him. Three times. I introduced him as my friend. I have no idea what made him bring up the topic. But he asked when he will see him again. I told him I wasn't sure. He asked if he is married. I said no, but that he is divorced. My son was shocked. "Who would divorce HIM? He is such a nice man". UM- wow. That was unexpected. I asked him why he said that about him, I mean he doesn't even say that about me. His answer- because I am the one that divorced his dad. Hmmm. I asked how he knew it. He said his dad told him I did the divorce. I asked how he felt. My son then proceeded to ask why I left. "Did he yell at you and hit you too?". I didn't quite know how to respond. So I told him that these were adult matters and were not for children.

Then he went back to Mr. NYC. Does he have kids? How old are they? And then the question that I was afraid of. "Do you like him?". I responded by saying that "yes, he's a good friend". "But do you want to marry him?"

Where the heck does he get this stuff? I only responded by saying that these are adult matters and that right now, I am happy with things the way they are. If anything ever changes, I would let him know.

Maybe next time, I'll let the school bus pick him up from school :D

Snow Day

I love the snow. I love the way it looks when you look out the window and it makes those fluffy serene covers on everything that is outside. I love the brightness. But I don't like the cold. I also don't like it when there is so much that your car won't come out of the driveway. And I get stuck when the kid who comes to shovel doesn't show up the one time there is a lot of snow.

We spent the day at home today. The children and I were a little bored, because we aren't accustomed to spending an entire day in the house. But, they did their homework (grudgingly), and I decided to cook. I think the cooking was actually a good thing, because I haven't been cooking much lately. Life has been so busy that I have been resorting to quick meals, or take out.

Some baked chicken, beef kebabs, and butter chicken later, I am feeling pretty good today. If this keeps up I might even bake a cake with the children in the evening. If I have the energy.

Anyhow, I'm still wondering how I will get to work tomorrow. I can't shovel the snow because it would throw off my back for sure, and I can't find anyone to do it. Then again, it would be the lamest excuse in the world to work from home the day AFTER a snowstorm.

I miss my SUV. I used to plow through massive amounts of snow with that thing. The civic is NOT my thing. :(

A Day Without a Cellphone

Last Thursday, as I rushed out of the office to pick up the children, I forgot my blackberry on my desk. This may not seem like a big deal to the average Joe, but trust me when I say that I felt totally paralyzed for the next 16 hours.

I have had a cellphone since maybe 1992 or something. I've always had one on me. I don't think I've used a payphone since then. My calendar, my email, my contact list is all in that device. I am lost, stupid and unreachable without it.

So, driving home through the snow, I was horrified when I realized I didn't have it with me. I knew I had an appointment on my way home, roughly knew the time, but wasn't sure. What I was doing after that, I couldn't remember.

The snow slowed me down. I was running late. I didn't have a phone with which I could call to let them know. I didn't have the number either. Eventually I found a payphone (trust me, they are hard to come by), and of course, I don't carry money. I am the debit card freak. I use it for a pack of gum. So, I ruffled around for change and found a quarter. Only to realize payphones now cost fifty cents (when did that happen??). This one didn't take a credit card. I had to find some change to call my appointment, and luckily I knew the number by memory. I then found a loonie, called my mom and asked her to get the kids.

When I finally made it to my mom's place by 6:45, my daughter informed me that she had her winter concert that night, at 7pm, and that she had to wear a black dress. We rushed home, changed her, and got her to the concert. They rushed her onto stage just as the first song was starting. Thank God we made it.

When I got home, I had frantic voicemails from Mr. NYC who was freaking out because it is unheard of for me not to be accessible by cellphone, and he knew about the bad weather in Toronto. Naturally, he was afraid that I had an accident or something, because I didn't call him (I usually call him every day as I leave the office), and I wasn't picking up my phone or responding to his text messages.

The next day, I almost missed my conference call as I didn't have the number, and don't know my colleagues' numbers by memory. I was totally lost.

When I got to the office and found my phone, I was ready to kiss it. That is how happy I was to have it back.

Sad, but true.

Being a Winner

My son is a total politician. The other day, I was rushing in the morning to get ready. He woke up (early) and looked at me and asked if I wanted to race to see who could get dressed first. I told him that I already had my suit on. I only had to do my makeup. He responded that this left him "plenty of time". Nice.

I accepted his challenge.

When he was done getting dressed (and admittedly, I still wasn't ready), he got up to wash his face. Once he stood up, he said he was too tired and wanted to go back to bed. Now I knew better than anyone, that if he goes to bed without washing up, I will never get him out of the house. So, I offered to help him wash up. He accepted.

While washing his face, I told him with a chuckle that now that I helped him get ready, I would lose the race. He paused for a moment and then turned to me and said (with a totally straight face I might add):

"But mommy, when you help another person, you're a winner too".

Wow. Either that was deep (and I feel proud to have raised this little boy), or he will make one awesome politician.

I have NO IDEA where he got that from.

Back from NYC

I spent the weekend in NYC. It was nice. This time we actually didn't even end up going to Manhattan. We kind of hung out in the burbs, which was fine. I helped Mr NYC do his Xmas shopping which was fun (any shopping is fun for me, even if it's not for myself). I offered to do this. He groaned at the thought of spending a whole day shopping, but like I said, I had fun. I even wrapped all the presents for him when we were done (man I love Christmas) :)

When I got home from NY, I got the joy of:

• My ex returning the children half an hour late (he is such a pain)
  
• There being no homework done with the children (so now they will go to school tomorrow looking totally incompetent)

My ex is an ass. He has no integrity and no sense around how to obey the law. Seriously, he should be living in a mental ward, away from the rest of the world. He can't even follow simple instructions or fulfill his basic parental responsibilities. And this from a man who wants sole custody. The world is truly a crazy place.

Keep Your Comments to Yourself Please...

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

I love this quote. It's so true. Ever go through a phase when you feel like those around you are just judging you? Here are some of the things I recently heard through friends...

• You're doing the best you can to raise the children. Sure, they are going to turn out messed up as a result of the divorce, but at least you can have an impact on how messed up they are (Thanks jerk! The weird thing is, this was meant to somehow be a compliment!)
• "You're a great person when you're not moody" (Um- isn't everyone?)
  
• Why would somebody as smart as you be stupid enough to marry that guy anyways? I think that was SUCH a bad life choice that it almost makes you look like a stupid person (I know you hate him, but easy on the insults buddy!)
• Don't worry- we'll have you dressing really cool soon (what the heck is wrong with the way I dress anyways? And this from someone whose taste in clothes I can't even stand! UGH!)

Maybe I'm in a mood these days. On my reading list at the moment is "Why men love bitches". I highly recommend the book to any girl who is over accommodating to the people in her life, but never appreciated for any of it.

I'm a funny mix. I can be a bee-otch at work in meetings, putting my foot down on projects etc, but I am the total opposite in my personal life. I think I over compensate at work. My goal for this upcoming year (2008) will be to bring those two to a balance. Let's see how I do.

Anyhow, yesterday was interesting. I ran into two colleagues that I haven't seen for awhile. They said that I looked really happy and that I looked great. The compliment made me happy. Then they said "You must be dating ". That made me not so happy...

If I look happy does it HAVE to be because of a guy? Sheesh!

Trusting Your Kids to Strangers

Would you EVER let a complete stranger drive away with your child?

I was driving the children to school the other day, and right at the intersection on a side street there was a huge accident. The whole front end of one car was smashed off and the other card drove through a pole into a fence. The car in front of me was a witness who had seen the entire accident and had stopped. I pulled over and asked if they needed a phone. They said yes. I called 911 and requested police and an ambulance. The witness lady said that she had to stay at the scene because she witnessed the whole thing, but that she had a young child to take to school and didn't know what to do. As it turned out, her child went to the same school as my child. I offered to drop off her child, and she accepted. Her daughter (after getting in my car) said she recognized my son. I offered my name, ID and cell number, just so she would be comfortable that I wasn't some crazy, and so she could check to make sure her daughter got there safe, but she declined, since her daughter recognized my son.

I was surprised that she trusted me. If it were me, I would NEVER let some stranger take my children. I would rather let them miss school, or be late for school. I'm flattered that she trusted me, as I suppose that means I don't look like an axe murderer, but STILL.

After dropping the children off, I went back to the scene of the accident, just to let her know that I watched all 3 kids go into the school, and that they were fine.

And then I realized....would you TAKE the responsibility of some stranger's child? I mean, what if something happened to that child, could she have come back to me?

What a scary world we live in, you can't trust anyone these days. Not only should you be cautious with your own children, but I guess you also have to be cautious with other people's children!

The Fishie is in Heaven

I actually was caught in meetings/conference calls on Friday and didn't get a chance to get a new fish. And then I forgot. Yes, I forgot. I'm human. These things happen.

So later on, when my kids came home, they saw the empty fish tank and asked where the fish was. I couldn't lie this time. So I told them the truth. My son held back his tears, but I told him that the fish was in Heaven, and that it was probably swimming in a big huge ocean with lots of other happy fishies. I think he felt better. I also told him that whenever he is ready, we can buy a new fish.

Then he asked what I did with it, like how did I dispose of it? I told him the truth- and I felt mighty cold saying it...but I flushed it down the toilet. He didn't say much. I think it helped that I had a good friend over and we were all on our way out the door when this happened. He was busy and distracted.

As we walked out the door I heard my daughter say "How does the fishie get to heaven through the toilet?"

I didn't answer. I acted like I didn't hear it. I mean, what reply could I give to that?

UM- The Fish Died. Again.

There must be something in the tank that just killed the second fish I bought. I wonder what to do?

Option 1- Replace the fish without letting the children know. Again.
Option 2- Tell them it died, and let them pick a new fish on their own. Maybe even two fish if it's not a Japanese fighter fish. Then they can each have their own fish.

I know I was trying not to disappoint them, but now it's the second time in one week that a fish died. Maybe I need to tell them what happened and let them deal with it?

What to do, what to do?

Parent-Teacher Meetings

Today was parent-teacher interview day. I was able to go in for my appointments this morning at 9am. Since report cards came out on Friday last week, and my ex had the kids last weekend, he kept the report cards, and failed to share them with me. Charming, isn't he?

Anyhow, I went in day before yesterday and got photocopies of the report cards. It turns out that my son is doing OK academically (all B's), but that he is still having difficulty focusing. This brings me back to the ADHD question, which I am hoping to have evaluated in the next few months. I asked the teacher for her opinion, and she said that he still doesn't strike her as an ADHD child, that he has some elements of it, such as the difficulty focusing and the emotional ups and downs, but that these could also be associated with the instability with his personal life. I'm hoping she is right. While I am supportive of doing the testing, I am hoping he does not come out as ADHD. If he does, I am ready to support him in any way I can.

Overall, I am happy that he was doing OK. He's not an A student by any stretch, but this is the first year that he is right at level (with the exception of his writing skills, which I can work on, but which are also typical for a little boy- boys are not usually the best writers at this age). Since his reading is doing really well (for the first time ever), we are hopeful that his writing skills will follow. I've got my fingers crossed.

My daughter's teacher says there are small improvements. She says the extra work I am doing at home (trust me, it's 2 hours a night!) is helping her along. But, the emotional stuff is still there. She is getting a little better, but she is still very sad and withdrawn, and often sits on her own. Her grades are well below average, so there is a lot of work to do to get her caught up. The teacher says it is NOT her lack of ability, that she would probably be one of the brightest students, if she could get past her emotional issues. I feel so very guilty.

I'm going to use the holiday season to continue giving the children academic support, but with my daughter, I want to try to give her some of the extra emotional support. I'm hoping some special outings and bonding time with her mother can help her. I'm thinking a few small lunch dates alone where she can discuss anything that is on her mind might be a good start. Let's see how it goes.

It Was One Year Ago Today...

That Syd died. It was one year ago tomorrow when I found out that he had died.

I woke up today and prayed for him. I hope that he is at peace. He was a great guy, but he just didn't reach out to all the resources he had available to him. It's sad and tragic, and he left a hole in many people's lives, but I think it has been the hardest for his children and his girlfriend. His girlfriend by the way, is probably one of the strongest, most positive people I have ever met. I would have met her a week after his passing, as they were to come to my place for dinner. I ended up connecting with her a week after his passing anyhow, via email. Somehow, I think we were destined to meet, one way or another.

For a couple of minutes, I was debating going over to the Leaside bridge, perhaps just for the closure. I've driven under the bridge less than 10 times since his passing, (and I usually avoid going near it), and I haven't driven on it since he died. I was going to do it today, but I think today is not the right day to do that. There will be other days.

Over the past year, I think I have definitely healed, but I do miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss his emails. I miss his pages to my blackberry. I miss his support. I hope he's in a better place.

Just thinking about that time of year, I remember how many things snowballed at once. My boss of many years was let go, and shortly after that, Syd told me it was time for me to move on professionally. He told me to change departments, or leave the company altogether. A few weeks after that, he committed suicide. That de-railed things for me more than anything I could imagine. Right after that, it was the office re-org, which quite frankly went over miserably, and left me feeling de-moralized. Things only started to look up when I got the clean break and started the new job. That job was exactly what I needed. I got rid of the emotional baggage that was tied to my last boss and Syd, and I felt valued again. Thank God for the change.

Anyhow. Here I am, right in the middle of a court case. 2007 is winding down and all I can say is that it went really fast. I thought 2007 would be my year. Looking at it so far, I can't say that it was my year, but I can say it was better than the last year. Let's see how it turns out.

Anyhow, like I said, I hope Syd is at peace, wherever he may be. I still find myself asking "I wonder what Syd would say", or "I wonder what Syd would do".

Where ever he may be, he still has an impact on my life, and it's still positive.

Rest in peace my friend.

Court Date #3

Yesterday was our third court date. I had spent most of the weekend trying to forget about it. By the end of the weekend I actually did manage to forget it. On Monday a friend mentioned something about being "ready for tomorrow" and it took me a couple of seconds to remember that I did indeed have court coming up. By Monday evening, the stress had built up again, and I don't think I slept much on Monday night. That is how it goes I guess. I always work myself into a knot the day before. At least this time, I had managed not to ruin the entire weekend beforehand stressing it out.

On Tuesday morning, I was a total mess. I had taken the day off work, so I went to the gym in the morning, and then came home to shower and change before leaving. I even prayed, which is different for me, as my prayers have been almost non existent lately. I didn't pray to win a case or anything like that, I mean that would be almost too selfish an act. I prayed for peace. I prayed that the best outcome for all parties (especially the children) happen, whatever that might be. And I did get some peace. Afterwards, I felt satisfied that sometimes on the surface, something may look like the biggest disaster; but that when all is said and done, the outcome can often be better in the long term than I can imagine. I felt better. I know that overall, things are easier, and that many things that felt unthinkable- such as going through a divorce, can actually be a blessing when the dust settles.

Overall it went OK. I can't say that I got everything I wanted, and my ex did not get everything he wanted, but I can honestly say that I have a lot of respect for this judge and that she was very fair. Here is an overview:

• We go back in the end of March, mostly to set the next court date- even one of our lawyers can attend that day- we are aiming for a May/June court date
• The assessment over the next few months (which starts in Jan) will be the large deciding factor on who gets custody
• We clearly defined access times for Eid, our son's birthday, Christmas break, March break, weekends, and any other access times. This will eliminate the confusion/arguing as well as the constant back and forth with lawyers. Even pick up/drop off times and locations have been decided
  
• I did get a small slap on the wrist. I was told that I was treating a joint custodial arrangement like it was sole custody and it isn't. I explained that I was protecting my kids. The judge said she doesn't deny that they needed protection, but that I should have come to court over a year and a half ago before taking matters into my own hands and cutting his access to the kids
• Accordingly, she has granted him mid week access on Wed nights, for a period that may not exceed 4 hours. Minimizing the access reduces the changes that he will lose his temper and freak out on the kids. I think that's a fair assessment. Well, I hope it is. I mean, it does MINIMIZE the risks. It just doesn't ELIMINATE them.
  
• Any other visits (i.e. weekends)- have to be fully supervised.
• His weekend visits are allowed to go until 7pm, which is the standard for access weekends for the non primary care parent. Basically what she has done is given him back his time as a parent, so he doesn't lose time with the children, but at the same time, she has put enough checks and balances in place that he has to be guarded and the children will be safe.
• I can still travel with the children without his permission

Like I said, it isn't ideal, but I do see where she is coming from. I can't say that she wasn't fair. She found a healthy balance that both parties could live with until the assessment is complete. I guess that is why she is the judge.

If nothing else, I do have respect for her.

Mental Health Day

I took a day off today just to chillax. It's been good. I did the laundry and groceries in the morning, mostly to get those chores out of the way, and then I did nothing. I was resting on the couch, surfing the internet, talking on the phone. It's been great.

The fish fiasco ended yesterday when my son came home and found the new fishie swimming in the tank. He assumed it was the old one, which was kind of the point, and didn't notice anything. He even threw in a few words about how smart I am, and how he will never doubt me again in the future. Bonus.

On a scarier note, my neighbour called yesterday to tell me that she saw some guy in a black car parked outside my house for about 3 hours yesterday. 3 hours. She said he looked Pakistani (she's Pakistani herself), and that he looked like a slimy guy (whatever that means). The point is, I feel a bit weird. I mean, why would someone be outside my house for 3 hours in the middle of the day? There aren't many Pak neighbours here (that was a pre-requisite to buying my home-no desi neighbours) so he probably wasn't here to bug anyone else. Then again, if you were here to stalk me, wouldn't you park out of sight instead of right in front of my home?

I basically told her that next time if she sees anyone, she should contact the police, tell them that I am a single mom with a psycho ex husband and that they should come and check it out. Above and beyond that there isn't much else we can do.

On the other hand, wouldn't it be shameful if it was some dude waiting for someone (for 3hrs?) and that I just pegged him as an evil stalker? Maybe he is some guy waiting for a girlfriend who lives a few doors down and he had to hide out so nobody sees him waiting for her, because her traditional desi parents don't want her dating an older man...

Or, maybe he is a stalker. Sigh. I am so messed up sometimes. Now I'm the one who is getting paranoid.

A Mother's Little White Lies

"Mommy! Mommy! My fishie died!"

My son was in tears. "He was my only pet".... and this, right before leaving for school on the morning of a storm. I sometimes wonder if I will EVER be equipped to deal with this stuff. Sigh.

"Baby, he's not dead. He's sleeping."

"No way- he's all curled up and lying on the ground. Fishies don't do that!"

"Well that's cuz I gave him medicine. He was sick last night so I gave him fishie medicine. The bottle said he needs to sleep it off for 24 hours. He should be fine by the time you get home from school."

"He's not dead?"

"No baby, don't be silly. He's sleeping. What do I do when you're sick?"

"Make me take medicine and sleep all day."

"Ok, so like I said, fishie will be just fine."

"I love you mommy. I hope you're right".

Then today, I went at lunchtime to the pet store. They had Japanese fighter fish, but not in the same colour. I did not anticipate this problem.

So I go to pet store #2. Same issue. Next, I go to Wal-Mart. Jackpot. I buy the fish, I come home. I clean the fish tank, I put in the new fish (after flushing the other one down the toilet). They look identical. He will never know the difference.

Don't judge me. You didn't see him crying. It broke my heart.

I'm secretly a superhero. Albeit one that occasionally tells little white lies. But still a superhero nontheless.

In the Name of God

And then he lies. No kidding. He sends me an email about how he has NEVER been abusive blah blah blah and why am I so bitter, blah blah blah and that I am so hostile and that I need to move on. Whatever.

Then he signs his email "in peace and in the name of God"

WTF?

In the name of GOD? Are you kidding me? Seriously- he might as well have said "In the name of God, I am the biggest liar on the planet".

People like that scare the heck out of me. NO conscience whatsoever. I mean, you can't even REFORM people like that.

Even scarier- That a guy like that can go around claiming to be a devout Muslim. No wonder the world hates Muslims. Look at some of the people who speak out. The louder, obnoxious ones who get the limelight are always the sleazebags.

How come the nice ones never get the limelight? I'd like to see some of the nicer Muslims represent our community. Instead of, well- instead of the freaks.

OK rant over. Back to work. No more checking personal emails. They put me in a bad mood.

Your Time Will Come, But This is Not Your Time

Words of wisdom from one of my best friends. This was said to me a week ago when I was going mental with my ex's last stunt. My friend was calming me down when I was feeling totally fed up and ready to give up. Some days, I just feel like it will never end. Like I will be suffering through this crap forever, like no matter how many prayers I pray, or how many times I am patient, it just never gets easier. I wanted to rip into him. But my friend reminded me- My time will come. But today is not my time. Yet.

He's right. Patience is the key. I've been patient for awhile. I was patient for those 11 years as I suffered one black eye after another. I was patient when I left and he cleaned out the bank accounts and cash advanced all my credit cards. I was patient in the legal documents, when he made up all those lies. My friend was right. I can be patient just a little bit longer. After all, we know the end is near. We are after all, in court. It has to be over in the next 8 months or so. Even if God forbid, it doesn't go the way I want (which I am hoping is unlikely), but even if that happens, I will have clearly defined non-negotiable boundaries and I won't have to deal with him anywhere near as much as I do today.

My other girlfriend is right too. No matter how bad this is, and no matter how financially ruined I will be, I am waaaaaaay better off this year than I was last year. And I was better off last year than the year before.

Look at it this way- I no longer have to use a cover stick around my eyes as part of my morning getting-dressed routine. And I know that my kids will never have to do it. I know that with certainty, because my kids have a safe home.

That and the fact that if he ever does hurt my babies again, I'll have his butt whipped into jail. And he knows it.

You're right my friend. My time will come. It's been coming little by little already.

What Constitutes a Single Parent?

Interesting question. This came to my mind while I was at the gym today (as a side note, I am having the toughest time getting back into the gym routine after it got de-railed in Ramadan. I think I need a week off work to just push through the gym and get back on track, and I'm seriously considering taking the time off and doing just that).

Anyhow, the context was a conversation I had with the children. My son was saying that their dad says he's a "single dad". OK- well, technically you might be, but really, come on. I mean, having the kids 4 days a month doesn't make you a single dad. It takes a lot to be a father, and more to be a single father. Any man can be a sperm donor. It takes a certain kind of person to be a real father, and especially a single dad in the true sense of the term. I think that the following should be a minimum to making you be entitled to use the "Single Parent" title:

• You actually do homework with your children
  
• You take them to medical appointments
• You take care of them when they are sick (instead of sending them home to the other parent)
  
• You bathe them (he never does- ewww)
• You feed them, and do their laundry
• You encourage them
• You have a tight limited schedule because there aren't enough hours in the day and you are almost permanently their mom and their dad, the breadwinner and the housewife
  
• You are gentle and loving
• You are indeed the sole parent in the house on an ongoing basis

He doesn't do any of these things. He doesn't even buy diapers for our daughter. I get rude emails that say that he needs pull ups and since I get child support, I should buy things for them. Never mind the fact that he makes more money than I do (that he doesn't declare), or that it's just $20 for God's sake.

I don't think he's entitled to use the single parent title. I think it would be more appropriate for him to say "Hi, I'm the guy who beat up my wife so many times that she finally left me, oh yeah, and I choked our son, and abused my children regularly so I only get to see them four days a month".

Not a single dad.

I know. I sound bitter. There isn't enough therapy in the world that can get rid of the disappointment I have in that man.

I guess I need to go back to therapy again. :)

The Engagement Party

I went to an engagement party today with the children. It's been a very long while since I've seen all these people in one room at once. I mean ALL of them. I think that the last time I saw this Desi crowd in totality was at my sister's wedding. I mean, WOW. Desi people are the same no matter where you go. They just don't change.

I think the one thing I noticed today that I didn't notice before was the division. These were once my family's close friends. Once. Almost about 4 years ago. At the time of my sisters wedding. That was also the same time as my separation.

Shortly after my sister got married, she moved to Kuwait for a year. My divorce situation intensified and I became the talk of the gossip-mongering Desi town. I hated these people. All of them. I never liked the crowd, even while growing up. Too much pressure, too much backbiting, too much of the fake friendships. I always wanted out of this community.

When I first separated, my dad couldn't handle the things that were being said about me, and he couldn't handle the fact that his friends were amongst the people talking. Just remember boys and girls, a good Desi girl NEVER leaves her husband. Abuse is common and often tolerated. I left him. They knew it. Rumors spread all over the place. My dad confronted his friends. He told them they were no longer friends. Many friendships ended, partially because of how upset my dad was, and how badly he told people off.

Today, as I sat in the room and looked around, I was very aware of the divisions. I knew which people I was to greet and which ones to stay away from. There were tables of friends that once sat with my mom and dad who no longer did today. Those were the tables I avoided. There were other tables with friends gathered around my parents. It made me sad. My parents did suffer the impact of my divorce. True, my dad could have handled people differently, but at the end of the day, my divorce has cost my parents certain friendships. Nobody ever voiced it. My parents never said it, my siblings never said it. But today, I realized it.

I saw another lady today. She was a cute older lady who I absolutely adored. I haven't seen her in years. Many years, well before the divorce. In fact, today, I realized it was well before I had the kids. I realized it when she greeted me and said "What happened? You've put on weight!" (typical Desi conversation). I was puzzled at first. I said, "No, I've lost 30 lbs" then she looked puzzled. I then realized that she last saw me BEFORE I was pregnant with my son. That was over 8 years ago. I smiled and told her "You're right, I HAVE put on weight". (I have about 20 lbs left to lose to get back to that weight). Truthfully though, I'd settle for just another 10lbs. Anyhow, if anyone else had made that comment, I would have drop kicked them. This little old lady meant me to harm. She's just a very direct personality, but I know how much she always loved me, so I didn't take it badly at all.

Anyhow, I realized tonight why I don't go to these events. Most of these people are not friends. These are the people who stress me out. There are pockets of friends like the adorable little old lady who wishes only well, but other than that, these were mostly the judgmental, fake people that I saw today. I have no patience left for this.

I think I should go 8 years before seeing these people again. As for the little old lady, I would have tea with her any day. :)

Mental note....If I should ever decide to marry again, I'm NOT having a wedding. I'm doing vows at home, and having my own party where I greet my guests at the door and invite only the ones I want there and I get to tell the rest to take a hike. And I don't have to act shy and keep my head down. Nor do I have to wear a God awful sparkly duppata (headscarf) that weighs more than a bag of cement. Oh ya, and the guest list will be less Desi and more....not Desi.

That's IF I ever decide to marry again. Big IF.

I Wonder How it Would Feel

If we had a dad like that.

This is the conversation that I heard in the car driving home yesterday. My son and daughter were talking. They were talking about Rich. They were saying that it would be so cool to have someone like him as a father. Mary said "Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to have a dad like that? A dad who is fun, who is nice, who is patient? Why did we get a mean dad? How does God decide which kids get the nice dads and which ones get the mean ones?"

I felt so sorry for them when I heard that. Thank God they didn't ask me the question. I truly don't have the answer. I've been asking myself that very question "How does God decide which girls get the nice husbands and which ones get the creeps?"

I didn't say a word. I just listened. I had no way to console them, no way to make them feel better, no idea what would help.

A mother who can't make it better. How nice. Aren't mothers supposed to be able to make everything better? At least when the children are little, and their issues/problems are on a smaller scale to what they are when they become teenagers?

I was tucking my daughter in at night and and she asked how we know that God made good decisions. Oh crap. Another question that I am not able to answer. I suck at this. Parenting is really hard work. I asked her what she meant. She asked "How do you know that God sees and knows everything? What if he misses something? Maybe that explains why some people suffer more than others. Maybe God doesn't know everything, so that's why everything is not always fair".

Double crap.

I explained to her that part of faith is "blind trust". That we trust in God, even though we don't see him or talk to him, but that the justice piece all works out in the end. You may see an injustice today, but it may get double better next year, to make up for what happened this year.

"What if you don't really believe that there is a God anymore?"
"Mary- are you saying that you don't believe in God?"
"I think that's what I mean. If God is there, he isn't very fair. So if he's there, he's mean. Either that, or maybe he isn't there".

Triple Crap. I seriously cannot do this.

I can't even blame her. I've been through this one myself, and I'm still not 100% there. At the end of the day, I can be a great caregiver, a great emotional support, a great homework-doer, but this stuff, wow. I really am not equipped for this.

So let me get this straight. My ex's behavior with the children is making them lose faith in God. How nice.

Damn him for screwing up the kids. Damn him to hell.

I'd Rather Read a Book

I was doing homework with the kids this evening when the telephone rang. It was their father. I handed the phone to my daughter, who chatted with her dad for a couple of minutes. Their conversation is almost always the same. He says hello, she says hello. He asks how school was, she says "fine". He says I love you, she mechanically says I love you too. He says I miss you, she mechanically says I miss you too. Then she says here, talk to my brother.

It amazes me how she has managed to survive. She knows what to say, what to do, and she speaks to him without emotion. This is what he did to the children. He made his own bed. The sad thing is, as they get older, they will respond less and less. They will after all, grow up, and as they do, they will learn only to love those who have earned their love. And as we all know, love is never earned through control or aggression.

Tonight, as my daughter handed the phone to her brother, he was reading a book and without looking up, he said "I don't want to talk to him". I froze. I looked over at Mary. She froze. She slowly put the phone back to her ear and said "Um, daddy, he's doing homework". I could hear him demanding to speak to his son, so she handed it over again. For a second time, my son said "No. Tell him I'm reading a book and I don't want to talk". Now I could hear my ex getting angry, and I felt bad for my daughter who seemed stressed to be in the middle. She walked over and put the phone to my son's ear, hoping he would say something. His response, "Tell him I don't want to talk to him".

I could hear their dad mutter something about being hurt and then he said his goodbyes. I stayed silent. I so badly wanted to ask my son what was going on, but I didn't feel like it was the right time. Clearly, he wanted the space, and I didn't want to take that away from him. I did however, stroke his hair and put my hand on his shoulder as I walked by him a few minutes later. He paused and put his hand on mine. Then he kept reading his book.

I wonder what happened during their visit this weekend to make my son behave this way. And also, I'm glad that he felt safe enough to be able to voice his feelings. I guess this home is providing him with some emotional protection.

Then again, like I said before, as they get older, they will only learn to deal with their dad in their own way. Perhaps this is going to be my son's way.

I have to say, I would be heartbroken if that ever happened to me. I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence. And I never thought I would say that. Funny how sometimes you can look at your life and almost re-frame things. I'd rather be here today. I'd rather be the one they trust and turn to. I'm glad I'm not still married to this man. If I was, they would feel for me just as they do for him, because I wouldn't have been able to protect them if I was still married. I'm glad I made the choices I made. I'm glad I'm here today, in this home, with these children. It took many bruises for me to get the sense to get here, but I'm glad I'm here. And for the record, I would take a million more to protect my children if I had to. Thankfully, I won't let it come to that ever again.

Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. I have two big ones snuggled in their beds as I type :)

A Restful Day Off

Today was awesome. I can't even explain why. It was one of those days that I try to have when the kids are away with their dad, but I can never manage to have because life is just too busy. Today I did nothing. Well, it felt like nothing. And I wore no makeup, wore glasses all day, and ran around in jeans and sneakers. And it was wonderful.

I dropped the kids off at school and then went grocery shopping. In peace. No kids. No "Mommy can we buy those?" Or "Mommy- he's hitting me!" -Nothing. Just silence.

Like I said, it was nice.

I came home and made myself a spinach, mushroom and feta omelette with egg whites. Perfect breakfast. Yummy, and within diet rules. It doesn't get better than that. And, I watched TV while I ate. In peace. I NEVER watch TV anymore. It was great.

Next, I folded laundry. While watching old episodes of "The Office". On DVD. Did you get that? I watched a DVD while catching up on laundry. AWESOME.

I cleaned out 12 purses. In them, I found 3 unused 10-ride train passes, 23 subway tokens, 28 pens and 5 long lost lipsticks. No wonder those purses were so damned heavy. No wonder I couldn't find those subway tokens. My right shoulder (the purse shoulder) feels lighter already.

I then proceeded to go to the mall and run a couple of errands. I even had coffee with my dad. I can't remember the last time I did that. I helped him pick anniversary flowers for my mom. Then I went to get the kids, came home, did homework, made dinner, and tucked them in.

And here I am. Relaxed.

Funny how a simple day (that might seem to be like it was full of chores) could feel so relaxing to someone like me. It's actually kind of sad too. But I'm not complaining. I'm grateful to have had this one day.

A Safe Return

The kids are home safe. I always breathe a sigh of relief when he brings them home safe, and once I've spoken to them and checked to ensure that he didn't hurt them while he had them. It's really sick that I have to constantly fear for their safety. I really hope the courts kick in and help the situation soon.

So here is a summary of this weekend's drama, aside from the obvious fact which is that my ex is a total jerk of a human being:

• He had a hard time getting a supervisor
• We had 29 email exchanges on Friday alone because he was refusing to tell me who would supervise the visit, and where I could reach the children. He's clearly in another one of his manic phases where he thinks he's the king of the world or something, and one where he deliberately gives me a hard time
  
• Finally when he did tell me who would be supervising, I found out that he was intending to spend some unsupervised time with the kids. I explained that he can't do that. He stated that his interpretation of the order is that he can. I guess I will have to bring this up in court.
• He deliberately brought the children back to me 3 1/2 hours late today. Jerk.
• He did not do any homework with the children.

Honestly, I'm so fed up of this crap. He is such an idiot. And idiots should not be allowed to be custodial parents for young children.

Anyhow, forget him. This is my life, right? I must have done something really heinous in my life to deserve to have an ex like this...

So anyways, one little piece of good news, my daughter was able to read through one of the books my friend brought for her (thanks Saji!). I did have to help her through it, but there was no alphabet reversals happening. Hooray for one step forward!

Tomorrow banks and government offices are closed for Remembrance Day. I am SO looking forward to the day off so that I can run errands, do laundry, groceries, and other house chores. Oh yeah, and to go to the gym. I went to the gym today as well. That was the only thing that helped me calm down from wanting to drop kick my ex. Thank God for the gym.

Coffee and Books

I had a nice time hanging out with a girlfriend this evening. We went out for Thai food, went to Starbucks and to Chapters and she helped me pick out some early reader books for little Mary. It was a good evening, and I haven't been so relaxed in a really long time.

I now have a bunch of books for Mary to help her read. I'm hoping to start tomorrow. Anything to help my little girl get on track.

Tomorrow the children come home. I can't wait to see my babies again.

I had some nasty correspondence from my ex on Friday. He's obviously not capable of linear thinking, so I think this will come in really handy in court on the 27th.

Academics

There is some stuff that I have been trying to deal with that have been really taxing on me for the past two weeks:

1) I've wanted to have my son tested for ADHD since July. In the beginning, my ex refused. When we went to court, the court ordered that the tests should be done, as they are in the best interests of the child (at court, he of course denied refusing them). Anyhow, the process is taking so long that it is mid November, and it looks like he won't even get tested until spring. The person who will head up the tests will be the assessor who is doing the formal assessment on our parenting capabilities etc. I've paid the assessor his retainer, and I am waiting for my ex to do the same. After this guy gets his retainer, he will start work maybe 8 weeks later. So my son's test will be put on the back burner. It's stuff like this that makes me really wish I had full custody. If my hands weren't tied, I would have had the tests done myself by now. The system sucks.

2) My daughter has been doing poorly in school. Her reading and writing skills fall below even the ESL students. I find this scary. I am an anal mother. I do homework every night. The therapist thinks there is a possibility of her being dyslexic. I have spent the past two weeks frustrated to death, because again, I cannot do anything for these children without my ex's permission, which is impossible to get, or a court order which is timely and costly to get. I spoke to my daughter's school and we are still trying to determine if it is a learning disorder, or if she is behind because she had to make the switch from a Montessori environment (which is learn through play) to a public school (which is structured learning). The teacher and the principal think the issue is the latter- the change in environments. I hope they are right. No, I'm PRAYING that they are right.

I had a small meltdown earlier this week. Thank God for my good friend who happened to call me at night, while I was lying in bed crying. When I answered the phone and heard her voice, I knew I would feel better after talking to her. I was right. Thank God for good people.

Today, my girlfriend and I (she is a teacher) are going shopping. I'm hoping she will be able to help me find the right books/tools to help get my daughter back on track as well. I have to start right at the beginning with her, but I'm totally willing to do it. Anything for my babies.

No More Children!

Well, I've known it, and been saying it forever. I do not want to have more children, as my hands are full with the ones I have. I've mentioned before that I actually don't even have the desire to have more children. Now I've learned that my children don't want me to have more children. I guess it's nice to know we are all in agreement on this one.

My daughter tonight had a very interesting conversation with me. She asked me how a mother's body knows to develop milk. I told her that it was one of God's gifts. When a mother is pregnant her body develops it, and when the baby grows up, the milk goes away. Then she asked if I had any left. I explained that since she was now six, and hasn't nursed since she was one, that no, I do not have any left. She asked if it would ever come back. I explained that it would only happen if I were to have more children. Then the awkward pause from her, and she says "Oh no, you don't need more children. A baby would bother you." I asked why it would bother me, and she said "It would cry all the time and make you change diapers. You wouldn't like that". I explained that I did it for her, and that diapers are part of life. Then she said "But you have to do homework with us, and the baby would cry and interrupt". Then I explained that I could hold a baby and do homework. She went on to say the baby would poop all over her homework. I explained that a diaper would catch the poop. Then she sighed and said "You just don't need any more kids. You have us. We don't want more kids. We love each other enough and we don't want babies." I smiled and said "Well that's good news because I'm kind of happy with the two I have and I don't think we need more babies either. She beamed. I smiled. She hugged me.

I'm not sure why I played the devil's advocate game. I think I wanted to know if she was thinking I couldn't handle the load of another child (a capacity issue) or if she just didn't want one. (Emotional security/being the baby of the family etc). I think it was the latter.

Interesting how a child's mind thinks. Thank God she didn't ask for another sibling. I'd be up the creek if that happened.

9 Little Kids

Means one exhausted mother. I will NEVER do that again. I dreaded it, and I was right. As much as I love my children, I cannot explain the amount of fatigue you feel after having them run around your house for 3 hours. I'm ready to pass out.

Aside from my hectic afternoon, I'm finding that I still haven't managed to clear my mental head space. My conversation with my daughter's teacher is still consuming me, and I'm feeling really low at the moment. Kind of hopeless actually. No matter how hard I try, it's not good enough, it's not going to be good enough, and it will only get harder and worse as the children get older. If supposedly this is their best age, and they are in this state, then how will I manage the future?

I'm REALLY concerned about what lies ahead. It's all very hopeless at the moment.

Birthday Party Planning

I have my daughter's 6th Birthday party tomorrow. I've tried to keep it very small, and I have only about 8 kids here in total (6 friends plus my two little ones). I'm doing the party at home, and my home is not that large, so I had to keep the number to a minimum. I've learned a few things in this process:

1. It is NOT cheaper to do a birthday party at home. You end up running the same cost, and you are ready to pull your hair out as well.
2. I am NOT the at-home-birthday-party kind of mom. I will not be doing it again.
3. I hate making loot bags.
4. I hate wrapping "pass the parcel" gifts a million times. It feels like such a waste.
5. I have a headache at the thought of kids running buck wild through the house under my supervision.

Don't get me wrong. I love children. I'm just not an at-home-birthday-party girl.

Aside from that, I've had alot on my mind. I went in on Friday afternoon to talk to my daughter's teacher and to get an update. ( I guess that's one of the benefits of working from home on Fridays...I get to pop in for 15 minutes at the school as I wish).

Anyhow, she said that my daughter is not improving. The sad thing is she is actually behind the other kids, including the ESL kids. I found this disturbing. I mean part of me is just humiliated- I have an MBA, I was a straight A student and both my kids are lower tier, and this one is bottom of the pack. How is that possible? But then I remind myself that this isn't about me. The real question I have is - HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? I asked if I should sign her up for Kumon to bring her up to speed. She said no. The issue isn't that she can't do the work. The issue is that she isn't even motivated to try. Apparently, while other children are working away, she is staring off into space. She even forgets to put a book or paper in front of her. So it's not like she gets stuck on the work she is doing, it's that she hasn't even started- she doesn't even have a sheet of paper in front of her and she is losing her concentration. The teacher said the only thing that can save her is therapy. This made me feel like shit.

I see myself as a good mother. Correction- I SAW myself as a good mother. But these days, I'm feeling a bit demoralized. Yes their dad has messed up all of our lives, but I thought my parenting would compensate for at least some of that. I guess I thought wrong. These days, while I know we would have been worse off with my ex, I wonder what options I have ahead of me that can help to stabilize the children.

Their therapist has reminded me that my nightmares around the abuse started AFTER I left my ex, so the impact of the abuse was seen after I was safe again. My ex has been having supervised access since May, so the temporary relief is a good explanation for their recent instability according to her. She says that people emotions go haywire when they have a chance to breathe. Kind of like how you get sick when you take a break from your stressful routine. It's like your body gets to act normal when you turn off the overdrive mode. She says emotions are the same. They get to go through their routine when they have a chance to breathe, not while they are experiencing the problem. I can't know for sure- but based on my own nightmares and my own experiences, her theory makes some sense I guess.

The other scary thing for me is my daughter's coping mechanism. Whenever her dad calls she whispers "No I don't want to talk to him. He is mean". The issue is that I have to give her the phone, or the courts will nail me, so I tell her to take the call. She complains and then takes the phone and flips her mood "Hi daddy! I miss you so much! How are you! I couldn't wait to speak to you!"

When I saw that, my head was spinning. When she hung up the phone, I asked her what was going on. I told her she didn't have to act like she doesn't like her dad if she really misses him. He is her father. It's ok to miss him. Her answer: "Of course I don't miss him. He is the meanest man in the world. But do you think I want to let him know that I hate him? Then he will just be meaner. As long as he thinks I like him, he will be less mean to me".

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, right? But isn't it freaky when a 6 year old does it? I asked the therapist, and she said it's her way of survival. She knows full well that if she refuses the phone call she will "get it" the next time she goes to her dad's.

This is totally sick. No wonder her schooling is so messed up. It's alot for a child to absorb. I mean, I totally understand it. I did it myself for over 13 years. But for a 6 year old to learn that skill, that is sick. I need to find a way for her to feel safe, and confident enough to handle her dad without acting like 2 different people. That must be so stressful.

Now here is the question- how do I stop myself from getting so paralyzed that I can't help my children? I don't have the answer to that one at the moment, but I'm open to anyone's advice.

As for me, I went to the gym today for the first time since Ramadan. It was my first workout in 6 weeks. If nothing else, I feel like it got some of the pressure off my chest. It's amazing what a good run can do.

Happy 6th Birthday Mary!

My baby turned six today. Today I actually did the same thing my parents did to me. I told her that it was six years ago that she was born and oh-so-tiny when I brought her home from the hospital. She was such a good baby, didn't cry much and slept a whole lot. I got giggles out of her when I told her that she would kick me from inside my tummy and I would see a little foot pressing through.

So this is the one day in the year where my children actually wake up early, get dressed and get to school early. They love Halloween. Today, I drove a little Snow White and Captain Jack Sparrow to school, happy as can be. I will get them from their dad at 6pm today, as the court ordered that their dad will get to see them for 3 hours tonight (from 3pm to 6pm), due to Mary's birthday. No problem. I usually get them from Tae Kwan Do at that time anyhow.

So I know I haven't been blogging lately, and it's a bad habit. You know I'm in a funk when...

Well maybe not so much a funk, but just dealing with the ongoing drama. Crazy ex husband- check, drowning in legal bills- check, overworked- check, need a break- check, double check.

Sigh. I wish I would win the lottery.

Eid Preparations

I took my daughter to an Eid bazaar last night. It was fun. She made one request of me two weeks back, and that was that she wanted a professional to put Mehndi (henna) on her hands for Eid. I took her to an Eid bazaar and she waited in line and got the henna done. $10 later, we went to the next booth and picked up some glass bracelets to match her lengha (indian dress). She was totally thrilled. I'm glad we managed to get out and have some fun.

This morning, she woke up and squealed with delight when she saw how dark the Mehndi was. She came and sat in my lap and asked if I made her spend too much money. I have no idea what made her think of the cost, but I told her that if she was happy, there was no need to worry about what it costed. I wanted to take her, she enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and that is all that mattered. She told me that I was the best mom in the world (I love hearing that), and that she was SOOOOO happy because it's almost Eid. I felt good.

It was amazing to me how still my daughter was as they put the Mehndi on her hands and at how patient she was while she waited for it to dry. She made sure she didn't touch anything, or bump into anyone, so the Mehndi turned out perfectly. Sometimes, she is so much like me that it's scary.

Tonight, I have a few girlfriends coming over so that we can do our Mehndi for Eid. The kids will be home around 9pm, so they will get to enjoy the fun as well for a little while. I love Eid. It's so festive. :)

An Odd Telephone Call

It's been a nice weekend with the children. We've mostly been at home, which was good, because it gave the children the chance to just relax in their own environment. They have played in their rooms, watched TV, done homework, and it's been nice. I took them to a mosque event on Saturday night, and they enjoyed that. We went to my parent's place for Iftaar yesterday, and they enjoyed that too. Overall, it's been a family weekend.

Yesterday, my ex called for the kids. It was the first telephone call that he attempted since our court date on Tuesday. He spoke to the children for awhile and then asked my son to put the phone on speaker. They talked for awhile longer and he started talking about Eid plans. As background, the judge decided that on Eid (which will be Saturday thanks to the scientific committee), the children will be with their father until 2pm and with me after that. He is having difficulty finding a supervisor on the Eid weekend. He asked to speak to me. I picked up the handset so the children wouldn't hear. He basically wanted to break the weekend into 3 days with chunks of 4 hrs per day so he wouldn't have to arrange supervision. (Recall that the courts ordered that any visits shorter than 4 hrs would not require supervision). Since I have a henna party at my house Friday night (and would love to have my daughter here for it), I figured this would work well. That and the fact that he can never do their hair/dress them as well as I can. So the deal is he will have a visit for 4 hrs on Friday evening, return them to me, I will dress them for prayer Sat morning, he will take them from 9:30/10am to about 2pm and then he will see them again Sunday morning for 4 hrs. That works out well too because I have a sushi lunch with the girls on Sunday afternoon.

I think I prefer the 4hr chunks because I can keep checking on the kids to make sure they are OK, he doesn't get a long enough period with them to go nuts on them, and I get to have more time with them. It worked out for both of us. I feel more comfortable around the children's mental and physical well being, and he doesn't have to inconvenience his family.

Then came the next part. Give an inch of airspace and he takes a mile. He went on and on about how we should settle out of court. I'm guessing he's saying that because he realizes that the judge made one ruling in my favour so far, which means that this is not as cut and dry as he originally thought. I told him that unless he was willing to give me full custody and go on his medication, there was nothing that we could negotiate. He scoffed and told me that I would never get full custody. I told him that we had nothing further to discuss. He went on to say that pimps and drug dealers get joint custody and he is not as bad as them, so he won't lose his custodial rights. THAT made me angry.

I asked him how he could deny the abuse in the legal documents. How he could deny hitting me and the children. How could he do that and expect that I would negotiate anything with him moving forward. He acknowledged the abuse (man I need a tape recorder for the next time!), and that he was wrong with the children. I told him that unless he was willing to change his statement for the courts, I have nothing to discuss with him. He cannot lie before the courts and expect that I will respect him or work with him after that. You cannot silence the people that you hurt. He did this to me, and now he is doing this to the children. I told him that I had confidence in the legal system and in God and that these are his (God's) children and that I don't believe they will be hurt further.

My final answer- if you have something to discuss, get your lawyer to call my lawyer. I will not meet you, I will not negotiate with you, and I have no respect for you.

Oh ya, and if you ever touch my kids again, I will rip you to shreds. Take my word on that.

Then I hung up.

So much for Ramadan Spirit. He brings out the worst in me. I think it's my protective mechanism with the children. I would take a bullet for these kids. Let's just hope I never have to.

Seeing the Truth

My good friend called me the other day to tell me that she had read the blog entry about my daughter's teacher. She had such a refreshing perspective that it stuck with me. I am still in awe at some people's ability to see the silver lining.

She told me it was such a gift that the teacher had the candid conversation with me. "How blessed you are to be told about something like that when you had no clue! Now you can gather whatever you need to help your daughter through this difficult time. Had it not been for that teacher and the conversation, you would never have known how bad it was for her, and you would have found out when she was very severely impacted".

How true. I never thought of it that way.

I was too busy crying and feeling bad for my daughter to realize that perhaps, as sad as this is, I can do something to help her. I am, after all, the adult, and my children are my responsibility. And she's right...being told about something like that is a blessing.

Thanks Saji-for the pep talk. I still feel bad for my daughter, and a bit guilty for the circumstances that brought her here, but you're right. I am very lucky to have been given the information earlier rather than later.

True friends never let you drown in your sorrow for long :)

Still Trying to Unwind

I think all the stress leading up to the court day this week has built up in me. I feel drained, even now, and my neck is all tense. I went to the chiro and for a massage tonight, so I'm hoping I will finally be able to sleep.

It's odd. On the one hand, I keep thinking, what a waste- if the guy would just take his meds, this would be so much easier. The children would have a good father, I would be able to avoid all the extra stress, and I wouldn't be draining my finances (aka line of credit) with lawyer's fees. Ex husbands are a pain.

On the other hand, I cannot worry about him, or his meds, because it is totally out of my hands. All I can do is continue to care for these little souls whose well being, both emotional and physical, I have been entrusted with.

My daughter is sleeping in her bed, right here next to me as I type this entry. :)

And that sight- right there, is what keeps me going when I am at my lowest point. Bless her.

A Sense of Calm

This morning I feel somewhat calm. My nerves are still frazzled from all the events leading up to yesterday, and I feel very much like I need a massage and a day off. But I think I'm OK for now. I feel calm enough to go into the office and manage through the day. I have taken Friday off this week, so it will be an extra long weekend anyhow, and I plan to spend Friday on myself- massage, chiropractor, etc. I think I can manage until Friday.

It's weird- part of me feels relief, the other part wonders what else he will have up his sleeve for Nov 27. Like my chiropractor said, never back a man into a corner, because he will come out of it ruthless, as he has nothing to lose. I suppose I should just take one day at a time and be grateful for the peace I can have for the next few weeks.

Physically and emotionally, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. I'm glad that the children will be protected for the next little while. Happy that there is some relief from this stress and eternally grateful to those of you who flooded my voicemail and email with your kind words of support and encouragement.

I have no major meetings at the office today, so it will be more of a 'catch up' day which is probably a good thing. I've been so preoccupied with this case that I have parked a few things at the office. Friday will be my day to rest.

Court Appearance #2- Four Hours Later...

You heard correctly. The judge had given us an emergency date for today, allowing us time from 2-3:30 in her courtroom. We went from 2-5:30, an hour and a half past when the courtroom closes, and we had to wait another 30 minutes for her endorsement. I honestly should have been a lawyer.

I am a bit shell shocked. His lawyer was pretty harsh. He started off painting me as an erratic nut, and made his client look like father of the year. No word of a lie. You know those animated lawyers who point fingers at the opposing parties as they shout across the courtroom? Yep, that was his lawyer. My lawyer is right. Personalities between lawyers and clients always seem to match up. Thankfully, my lawyer was pretty darn good in the courtroom. She comes across firm, but very polite, but she knows her stuff.

Anyhow, it overall went well. I don't think I could have asked for much more (except a police enforceable order, which I didn't get). Basically, she (the judge) said that our file was so large that she needed a few more weeks to read through and send an interim endorsement. That should be ready by early November. Not sure what else she needs to add to it, or what this means, but I have no choice. We go back to court on November 27th. Here is what was granted, as well as what will happen between now and November 27th:

• Despite my ex's pleas for more time with the kids, his request was denied
• She refused to grant either of us sole custody this early in the game, but said that she did agree in the passing that this would likely be a sole custodial situation when we are done (thank GOD)
• She recommended that we start an assessment from an individual assessor no later than Nov 1. An assessment takes 6 months to complete and basically looks at the mental stability of both parents, their parenting skills, and responsibility, as well as other factors- conflict between parents etc, and makes a recommendation to the courts around custody and access. This will cost us about $15k total, $7.5k each
• In the meantime, until we go back to court in November, she has agreed that my ex's visitation with the children shall be loosely supervised if the visit spans longer than 4 hours. (Loosely means the supervisor has to be in the same home as my ex, but not necessarily in the same room at the same time). I guess her rationale for that is that it is unlikely that he will go ballistic on the kids in a less than 4 hr visit? Either way, there is only ONE visit that is less than 4 hrs and that is on Halloween, my daughter's bday where we have to share the time with her. Other than that, they are overnights every other weekend.
• I have been granted permission to decide on who can supervise, and I have been given rights to a telephone number, which I can call during his visitation to check on the kids and make sure that they are OK. This is a big deal, because previously, he would take off with the kids and not pick up my calls. Now the supervisor is obliged to take my calls and failure to do so means I can decline them as a supervisor.
• I have been granted the right to travel with the children outside the country, without his permission, provided I have told him where I am going (an FYI) as well as given him a number where we can be reached. This is a big deal, as he had requested that I not leave within 75km of my home with the kids.
• I have been granted the right to keep the kids in therapy, and he has to pay 50% of these sessions

The only downside is that:

• She did not make the order police enforceable. Her rationale was that we are returning to court on Nov 27th and that given the court ordered supervised visits, he shouldn't be acting up or it will work against him on the 27th. She further didn't like the police intervention as it can be abused
• She still wants 4 weeks to decide what our interim order will be while we go through the assessment. This bothers me a bit...what is she going to do? Can she change her decision around supervision in these 4 weeks? Can she add more access into the mix? I hate the uncertainty.

Either way, aside from his lawyer painting me out to be a Monster, the verdict was positive...for the time being.

And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. At least, for 4 weeks...But man, I am SO mentally and physically exhausted from today. I need a spa day or something.

Anxiously Waiting

I wish it were this time tomorrow because this process would be overwith (well-day one of a year and a half long court battle would be overwith).

I went to see my chiropractor today. On Thursday, I rear ended someone at a stop light. That would be my first at fault accident since I was 16. My insurance rates will take a hit. Life is nice, isn't it? When it rains, it pours.

Anyhow, my chiropractor said to take it as a gift. I was at a low speed, nobody got hurt (not even me, despite the previous back injury), and perhaps it was a sign to take it slower, before something major happens. I mean, I wasn't even on the phone! Anyhow, I'll just chalk this up as part of life. It's already been bugging me for days, so I need to let this one go now. It is what it is.

Then, today, I was heading to a meeting at our Bloor/Islington Office. I had to pick up something at St George first and wasn't paying attention when I got on the subway. I was so engrossed in God-knows-what that it took me 7 stops to realize that I had gotten on the Northbound train instead of the Westbound one. That was a total blonde moment. Needless to say, I was late for the meeting. 30 minutes late. Sigh.

Anyhow, I was telling my chiropractor about the status of the case. She and I go back about 8 years, so she has watched much of this unfold. She basically said that his reaction to my documents is somewhat predictable. Never push a man into a corner, because once he has nothing to lose and nowhere to go, he will fight hard and dirty and all integrity goes out the window. How true. We both agreed that I didn't have a choice but to go through this process, but we also agreed that he is just plain cruel, so you can't expect any amount of integrity from him. She offered to give me a character witness or an affidavit. That was kind of her. Funny how some people will go out of their way for you when you really need them, while others sit back and watch. Yet again, this has been a great learning experience for me.

Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow. I seriously doubt I will get any sleep. I had scheduled the day off work tomorrow, but there is one meeting that I didn't feel I should miss so I am going into the office for 10am. Then I will leave at 11 and get to the courthouse for 1:30. In hindsight, maybe it's better that I'm keeping busy in the morning. If I were home, I might have just cried myself to oblivion and showed up at the courthouse with puffy eyes. That just wouldn't be good.

Anyhow, I did take a couple of hours off this afternoon. I went and watched the children in Tae Kwan Do class and then took them to the park. I thought it was fitting to focus the night before court on the children.

"Mommy I'm so Confused"

"I don't know who is telling the truth anymore. Is that OK?"

This is what my little girl said to me when she came home from her father's place last weekend. I felt so badly for her that I just wanted to cry. Of course it's confusing for her. Here I am telling her she will always be safe and that I will make sure nobody hurts her and when she goes to her father's, he tells her that I am the enemy and that I am trying to take him away from her. It must be incredibly difficult. Her teacher is right. It's so hard to go through what she is going through.

I told her that I was sorry that she had to go through all this confusion, and I asked if there is anything I can do for her. She paused and said "Daddy never says sorry. He just says why are you confused? I told you what the truth is". I told her that I was sorry because I didn't want her to be confused. I wanted her to be happy and confident. She asked me how a person can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying.

I don't have a straight answer for that question. I mean, I myself am not the best judge of character. I fall for lies all the time, and I trust too easily. And above all else, I was fooled by him and sucked in for 11 years. How can I expect her to be better when I can't teach by example? My only answer to her was to trust her heart, and trust in God, and that she will eventually know who is telling the truth. "What does your heart tell you?"

"My heart tells me that you have never lied to me, and that daddy has. But it also tells me that you and daddy hate each other, so maybe you are both lying to me."

WOW. "Baby, I don't hate your daddy. He's your daddy. I could never hate him".

"But he hates you. He even told me that you are his enemy."

"But I still don't hate him honey"

"Even if he makes you angry?"

"Even when he makes me angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it doesn't mean we hate them. Do you get angry at your brother? But you don't hate him right?"

"Right- but if someone hates you, then you must hate them back?"

"No sweetheart. Hate is a waste of our energy and of our heart. Why would I waste all my energy on hating someone when I need it all to love you guys?"

"I love you mommy. I really do. And my heart tells me that you don't lie. But I'm still a bit confused sometimes, and I'm tired of talking right now. Is that OK?"

"It's OK to be confused, but if you need to talk, you let me know, OK?"

"Thanks mommy".

I know I didn't handle that nearly as well as I should have. I just don't think that one conversation can make a child "unconfused". I mean, her confusion comes from years of being in this situation. I want to give her an outlet to vent, but also empower her to come up with some of her own thoughts. I think she knows the truth, but the pressure is getting to her.

On any account, I will raise this with the children's therapist.

Sigh. One day at a time.

A Frustrating Return

The kids were brought home 30 mins late. I hate it when he does that because I end up sitting on pins and needles wondering if they will be brought home. My reading an Oprah mag this weekend didn't help because the issue I was reading had an interview with a mom who came home to find that her ex husband killed himself and the children. That freaked me out.

Anyhow, the lateness is the least of my concerns. Here is a rundown of what I have found out this weekend:

• Contrary to what his lawyer promised my lawyer, their visit this weekend was NOT supervised. He took them to his own home, unsupervised, all weekend
• He force fed my daughter until she threw up (jerk)
• He did not do the children's homework at all. My son has to prepare a presentation and there was some artwork that he did in class that he had to present. My ex kept the artwork and didn't send home the presentation outline. I'm stressed. How do I prepare a kid to present something I've never seen and he can't remember? What do I do- go to the school and explain how dysfunctional we are and then set the miserable example for my son that it is OK to make excuses or blame others when you can't meet your deadlines?
• He kept the children's shoes. Seriously. He kept their brand new school shoes and sent them home in old shoes so tight that they had blisters. What am I supposed to do for gym class? Apparently, he TOLD the kids that he pays me money so he should have a set of clothes at his house, and that if they needed more, I could go and buy more. So he decided to keep their shoes. JERK.
• He did the same thing with their jackets. What am I supposed to send them to school in? Children do not need 2 sets of jackets in 2 homes. Now they don't have jackets for tomorrow. What a JERK
• He took off the silver crystal earrings that I bought my daughter and kept them in his home. Took them. Off her ears. I bought those as a present for her. What a sick demented JERK

I am SO tired of this. I have no idea what to expect for Tuesday, but I'm hoping for something that will at least alleviate SOME of this insanity. I cannot go a year and a half waiting for this to go away. And you know, we ALL know what will happen if by some stroke of insanity the courts grant him unsupervised access. This will just get worse.

Dinner with Friends

I actually got to laugh tonight. Like laugh. Like my throat hurts. It's been awhile. I haven't had a chance to be immature and laugh at plain stupidity. Tonight was one of those nights.

30 people gathered in a restaurant here in the burbs to have dinner. I knew about half of them myself and by the time the evening was over, I got to know almost all of them. One person there was none other than Fatima. I know what you're thinking, but it's complicated. We started off sitting at different ends of the restaurant, each minding our own business. By the end of the night, someone got us together, got a pic of us and said "this one is for Facebook". Well if my ex, oh- sorry- OUR ex doesn't know we walk the same circles yet, he will know it now.

We went back to a friend's place for coffee afterwards. Everyone was chatting and somehow halfway through, someone randomly asked me "So, how do you know Fatima?". I froze. I looked at her. She looked stunned. Then I laughed, turned to her and said "go ahead". She told them "We share the same ex husband". Pin drop silence.

The rest of the evening was all jokes.
-OMG you guys should be on the Jerry Springer show!
-What? Two women who have one ex and don't hate each other, man you are a first for our community
-Do you share notes about his...performance?
-Man- I would hate to be him....
-You guys should co-author a book...

I feel like the town circus. But to be honest, with just 3 days left till court, it was kind of nice to be able to laugh at my own situation. I mean, you're either going to laugh or cry, and to be honest, I've done enough crying lately.

And let's face it. For Fatima to come forward and document all the things she experienced during her marriage in an affidavit to help me and the children was her going above and beyond what most people would do. And to be honest, it's more than many of my friends bothered to do. I guess in the end, I have some things to be grateful for. She could have filed her case, taken off, and never looked back. But she didn't. THANK GOD that she didn't. Her affidavit is a strong piece of evidence showing that my ex is still a risk to the kids. I needed her and I am grateful for the help.

Anyhow, I've been living in the twilight zone lately. This was just another evening, in the Twilight Zone. (Insert creepy Twilight Zone Music)....

Sometimes you Just Want to Give Up

I went to the children's school for an open house yesterday. My ex was there also. We tried to be cordial with each other, at least for the sake of the kids. I didn't even get a chance to talk to my son's teacher. I was so drawn into what my daughter's teacher was saying.

She said that in all her years of teaching, she has never seen a child with such advanced verbal skills. She went on to say that usually the kids with the strong verbal communication skills are the brightest kids in the class. In my daughter's case, her verbal skills are years ahead of everyone else, but her academics are very poor. She said that my daughter is having trouble focusing. She knew on day one that she came from a "broken home". She said that my daughter talks about it every day. It's all she talks about. I couldn't bear to hear it. Then she, the teacher started crying. She said she has never seen a child so sad. She says it consumes her. Then I started crying. Imagine a parent teacher interview where both the parent and the teacher are in tears. That was us yesterday. I told her I couldn't do more than what I was doing. She told me to make sure I give her all the attention in the world. My daughter needs it. She said that she would hate to be in my daughter's shoes, with all this sadness built up to the point of paralyzing her from being able to function in school. She said that if we don't help her soon, she will fall really behind in school.

I left in tears yesterday. Honestly, sometimes I wonder what is worse...staying with an abusive man, or letting your children pick up the pieces and feel the brunt of the divorce. I hate doing this to them, yet I'm not the one doing it. I'm doing the best I can with the limited resources I have. And that includes the resources I've had to borrow as well.

With God as my witness, my intentions are to help my children live mentally and physically safe lives. But in the process, their emotional well being is hurt.

I have no ill intentions towards my ex. I actually wish he would move on and find happiness. I was so happy when he got married. I thought it was good for me and the children, and for him. I didn't want him to abuse his second wife, and I didn't want his marriage to end.

I have NO IDEA what I can do to help my little girl. But today, I feel so lost, hurt and confused that it is unbearable.