I was doing homework with the kids this evening when the telephone rang. It was their father. I handed the phone to my daughter, who chatted with her dad for a couple of minutes. Their conversation is almost always the same. He says hello, she says hello. He asks how school was, she says "fine". He says I love you, she mechanically says I love you too. He says I miss you, she mechanically says I miss you too. Then she says here, talk to my brother.
It amazes me how she has managed to survive. She knows what to say, what to do, and she speaks to him without emotion. This is what he did to the children. He made his own bed. The sad thing is, as they get older, they will respond less and less. They will after all, grow up, and as they do, they will learn only to love those who have earned their love. And as we all know, love is never earned through control or aggression.
Tonight, as my daughter handed the phone to her brother, he was reading a book and without looking up, he said "I don't want to talk to him". I froze. I looked over at Mary. She froze. She slowly put the phone back to her ear and said "Um, daddy, he's doing homework". I could hear him demanding to speak to his son, so she handed it over again. For a second time, my son said "No. Tell him I'm reading a book and I don't want to talk". Now I could hear my ex getting angry, and I felt bad for my daughter who seemed stressed to be in the middle. She walked over and put the phone to my son's ear, hoping he would say something. His response, "Tell him I don't want to talk to him".
I could hear their dad mutter something about being hurt and then he said his goodbyes. I stayed silent. I so badly wanted to ask my son what was going on, but I didn't feel like it was the right time. Clearly, he wanted the space, and I didn't want to take that away from him. I did however, stroke his hair and put my hand on his shoulder as I walked by him a few minutes later. He paused and put his hand on mine. Then he kept reading his book.
I wonder what happened during their visit this weekend to make my son behave this way. And also, I'm glad that he felt safe enough to be able to voice his feelings. I guess this home is providing him with some emotional protection.
Then again, like I said before, as they get older, they will only learn to deal with their dad in their own way. Perhaps this is going to be my son's way.
I have to say, I would be heartbroken if that ever happened to me. I'm glad I'm on this side of the fence. And I never thought I would say that. Funny how sometimes you can look at your life and almost re-frame things. I'd rather be here today. I'd rather be the one they trust and turn to. I'm glad I'm not still married to this man. If I was, they would feel for me just as they do for him, because I wouldn't have been able to protect them if I was still married. I'm glad I made the choices I made. I'm glad I'm here today, in this home, with these children. It took many bruises for me to get the sense to get here, but I'm glad I'm here. And for the record, I would take a million more to protect my children if I had to. Thankfully, I won't let it come to that ever again.
Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. I have two big ones snuggled in their beds as I type :)
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