"I don't know who is telling the truth anymore. Is that OK?"
This is what my little girl said to me when she came home from her father's place last weekend. I felt so badly for her that I just wanted to cry. Of course it's confusing for her. Here I am telling her she will always be safe and that I will make sure nobody hurts her and when she goes to her father's, he tells her that I am the enemy and that I am trying to take him away from her. It must be incredibly difficult. Her teacher is right. It's so hard to go through what she is going through.
I told her that I was sorry that she had to go through all this confusion, and I asked if there is anything I can do for her. She paused and said "Daddy never says sorry. He just says why are you confused? I told you what the truth is". I told her that I was sorry because I didn't want her to be confused. I wanted her to be happy and confident. She asked me how a person can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying.
I don't have a straight answer for that question. I mean, I myself am not the best judge of character. I fall for lies all the time, and I trust too easily. And above all else, I was fooled by him and sucked in for 11 years. How can I expect her to be better when I can't teach by example? My only answer to her was to trust her heart, and trust in God, and that she will eventually know who is telling the truth. "What does your heart tell you?"
"My heart tells me that you have never lied to me, and that daddy has. But it also tells me that you and daddy hate each other, so maybe you are both lying to me."
WOW. "Baby, I don't hate your daddy. He's your daddy. I could never hate him".
"But he hates you. He even told me that you are his enemy."
"But I still don't hate him honey"
"Even if he makes you angry?"
"Even when he makes me angry. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it doesn't mean we hate them. Do you get angry at your brother? But you don't hate him right?"
"Right- but if someone hates you, then you must hate them back?"
"No sweetheart. Hate is a waste of our energy and of our heart. Why would I waste all my energy on hating someone when I need it all to love you guys?"
"I love you mommy. I really do. And my heart tells me that you don't lie. But I'm still a bit confused sometimes, and I'm tired of talking right now. Is that OK?"
"It's OK to be confused, but if you need to talk, you let me know, OK?"
"Thanks mommy".
I know I didn't handle that nearly as well as I should have. I just don't think that one conversation can make a child "unconfused". I mean, her confusion comes from years of being in this situation. I want to give her an outlet to vent, but also empower her to come up with some of her own thoughts. I think she knows the truth, but the pressure is getting to her.
On any account, I will raise this with the children's therapist.
Sigh. One day at a time.
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