Sleeping Beauty

I wonder how little girls grow to be so obsessed with how they look? I mean, jokes aside of course. I'm always kidding around about how it's fun to be a princess etc...But really, hearing my daughter talk over the past few days, I'm finding it a bit concerning. After all, she is only 4 years old!

Little things are popping up, and I'm starting to wonder...Is it Disney? Is it the Barbies? What is it? I certainly didn't introduce her to all this stuff on my own (although truthfully, I didn't fight it), but I'm wondering how much of it she picked up at school, and how much she picked up at home, and is any of it natural to little girls? Here are some of the comments I've heard from her over the past few weeks:

-Brush my hair a lot mommy so I look as pretty as Sleeping Beauty
-Mommy if I make a mean face will I look like the wicked witch?
-Mommy can I get princess shoes like the princesses on TV and live in a castle and marry a prince? (OK Honey- you are only 4!!! Give it UP!)
-Mommy- when I grow up can I wear nice makeup and fancy clothes and high heels and lots of jewelry so I can be the prettiest girl in the world?

These are hardly things that a little 4 year old should be thinking about. I mean really- who the heck cares who she marries? Shouldn't she be - I don't know - rolling in the dirt, playing tag or something?

I read an interesting but sad statistic a while back. It said that children (especially girls) of parents with eating disorders will develop one themselves on average by the age of 9. Having been bulimic in high school, this scares the heck out of me. I tormented myself for a whole year back when I was 14, and I certainly don't want to see my daughter go through this. I mean, back in high school, I weighed 120 lbs. Nothing to freak out over. Really- nothing to lose 35 lbs in 30 days starving yourself and killing your body over. Society is sick. The world is sick. This is sick.

All that being said, I think I have been careful not to speak about weight/diets etc. around my daughter. I've been really careful. I was not careful about the whole princess thing, and now I'm wondering if I'm contributing to something without even knowing it. The human psyche can be intensely complicated, and sometimes we have an impact on things without ever realizing it. I'm not trying to be hard on myself, after all, almost every little girl wants to be a princess, but I am wondering what we as a society do to contribute to the problem.

Having worn Hijab for as many years as I did, I thought that the physical cover would free me from the whole image thing. For many years it did the trick, it even helped me get rid of an eating disorder, and then I found a community of friends who were insanely obsessed with their looks and were even more freakishly self-conscious, as if they somehow had to find other ways to compensate for the scarf by making themselves more beautiful, more sexy, more attractive in ways other than hair and body. The more exposure I had to this, the more the positive effects of the scarf started to wear off, and the more I started to resent it. That's not the only thing that made me give up the Hijab, and it was certainly the least important element of my decision. There were many other factors, my marriage, my health, the social environment around us to name just a few.

Besides, this isn't about me and my choice to remove the scarf...That's a blog in itself. But I am wondering if there is anything out there that will free women from this insane obsession that seems to start at such a young age. There was a time when I thought my faith would save me from it, but even that didn't quite do the trick, at least not over the long term.

I know- my Muslim friends will be enraged when they read this. They will feel that I've betrayed a core element of our faith. My non- Muslim friends will think that this whole thing is no big deal, and that I'm over-reacting. Either way, let's wait and see. Let's see what happens when our children grow up...Will they be better, worse, or just the same? I'm hoping I'm not the most vain person in the book, but I know I'm also not the least vain. I've seen worse, I've also seen much better. I have some girlfriends who will never care how they look, and to be honest, I personally think that they should. Birkenstocks and socks just ain't happenin, no matter what they say. I have other friends that won't step out of the house unless they are decked to the max, and feel confident that they will be able to hold their own when faced with a room full of other women. I don't think I'm perfectly balanced in any way, but I hope that I'm balanced enough to make a positive contribution to my daughter, and to my immediate social network.

In the meantime, maybe I should buy my daughter a different role model doll. Hmmm- has anyone heard of 'I'm totally independent and beautiful and confident on the inside and don't give a heck about what people think of the outside' Barbie? Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll just keep on searching. Wish me luck.

My Mother's Voice

We all say that we do not want to be like our parents. We grow up saying- "God, when I'm older, I am SO not going to sound like my mother with my kids". You know what? I listened carefully today and heard my mother's voice. It gave me a second to reflect.

The children were running around and around the coffee table in circles. I was so afraid that one of them would slip and fall. I had a flashback of when we were younger, and my brother, sister and I were doing the same thing. My mom kept yelling at us to stop, telling us that one of us would bust our heads open. That is, until my brother really did, NO REALLY- he banged into the wall and busted his forehead open, needed stitches and all. I remember that day because my mom was furious when it happened. She totally yelled us out for doing it, got the shoe, gave us each a butt spank (total Paki style), and then packed us into the cab to get my brother's head stitched up. I often wonder what possessed her to spank us first, and then get us in the cab after. Who knows? Maybe she was afraid she would forget to do it later, or maybe she needed the stress outlet.

Well OK- I'm not THAT bad. But funny- at the time, even my mom didn't seem so bad, it was just the way it was. Today, I heard her voice when I warned- "You guys better stop running around before one of you busts your head open". My son, who is super fabulous at giving me guilt trips, said "Mom- didn't you ever like to play tag?"...I responded with yes, but tag is for outside, not in the house- what are you jungilies? (Indian for wild animals). That, again was my mother's voice, for the second time in the same 30 seconds.

So, I thought I would stop the voice and explain to my children what I was afraid of. I told them the story about my brother, sister and I running in the house. When the story was over, my son said "Aww mom, is that all you're worried about? Don't worry, I wouldn't be dumb enough to bust my head open like that"...

OK- I didn't know if I should laugh or get angry. So I said "Well fine, go ahead and run. But if you do bust your head open Mr. Smartie Pants, don't come crying to me". OK- Those were my mom's exact words, yet again, and now I was totally freaked out. It was like I couldn't control it or something!

So that left me to reflecting. Maybe my mom's voice isn't such a horrible thing. I mean, she was a great mother (butt spanks and all), we just didn't realize it at the time. Maybe we were so stuck in believing that she was so un-cool that we never took her seriously. So what does that mean- that I seem like an un-cool mother to my kids? I totally don't think that I'm un-cool- but hell, who knows? Maybe I am.

Besides, my mom and I are different people. We are all afraid of sounding like our mothers, but really, they did have wisdom beyond their years. So while I totally wouldn't do the shoe-butt-spanking thing, I do completely understand where the voice is coming from. I heard it growing up, and so when I'm faced with the same, or a similar scenario, my gut instinct will be to react in a similar manner. That's why they say that children with temperamental parents can grow up to be temperamental, or that children of calm parents can grow up calm, or that children of abusive parents will grow up to be abusive.

These are all generalizations, but I think the point is that breaking away from the past is the exception, not the rule, which is why it is so important that we do our best when our children are in their younger years. And that we try our hardest to adopt the best that we learned, and leave behind the rest. Thank God I DID NOT adopt the shoe-spanking thing. :-)

And hey- if I hear my mother's voice from time to time, it's because, well, it IS jungilee to run in the house, and running IS for outside, and yeah, if you're not gonna listen, don't complain to me after. But really, even though I said it (and even though my mom said it to us), I would still tend to them if they got hurt. Cuz no matter what, at the end of the day, that's who mothers are. It's like the universal code of mothers that always seems to kick in at just the perfect moment. Maybe at the end of the day, we're alot more alike than we'll ever be willing to admit to.

Extra Weekend with the kids

This weekend, I get to spend extra time with the children...My ex had something to attend this weekend, so he "let" me keep the children. It's been fun. I think in many ways, it's actually better for me to have them with me like this, cuz it forces me to slow down. When I'm on my own, I work way to hard, and way too late into the night, and I get anal with cleaning up and stuff. When I'm with them, I feel guilty sitting on the laptop all day, and I end up spending the day under the blanket reading stories, watching cartoons, making puzzles, and eating potato chips and chocolate (mmmm! Chocolate!). What could be better than that? Give that to a super ultra stress-o-rama like me, and its like a retreat. I feel relaxed already. Tomorrow, pending how the children are doing, I'm hoping to take them to see "Chicken Little" in the theatre, something I promised a few weeks back.

I'm also proud of myself. I took a little bit of "me" time...Including looking up a Shiatsu massage therapist to help with my neck pain and headaches. That was great. They actually commented that I must spend a lot of time on the computer, judging from the muscle tension. Nice.

On a funny note- I REALLY need to go back to the gym. It's been a couple of months (I stopped just before Ramadan), but the funny thing is, my son just told me that he loves hugging me cuz I'm "warm and soft". OK- well- I know he meant it as a compliment, but - there's no compliment in him liking the hugs cuz I have a "soft" body :-) Children are so brutally honest sometimes, aren't they? But they mean well, and if it kick starts my gym routine, then I owe him big time. Unfortunately, it will also mean giving up the potato chip and chocolate fests with the kids, so I'll have to find some other party. But hey- there's still time till I renew the membership....I'll just continue with the chocolate until I have to officially give it up. Maybe I'll just wait till the new year. :-)

The Snow

I really don't like snow. It's nice to look at, but really- who needs it? I'm not a fan of manual labour, so shoveling the stuff isn't my cup of tea. Interesting how your perspective changes when you become an adult. When I was little, I loved snow days...It was the best fun of all. I would build a snowfort with steps to the top (naturally the princess got to sit at the top)....My brother would whip snowballs at me and I would find my way inside...But it was all good fun.

Today my children asked about what I did in the snow when I was little. I told them the stories and they looked at me in disbelief. "A snow fort? YOU? Mommy that is so cool- do you STILL know how to do that?" Sadly, they made a passing comment about how I hate shoveling snow so how could I possibly ever have liked playing in it? Sad, but true I guess. I don't like the cold. Maybe I'm just getting old.

So anyways, today is Friday- which means I was able to pick my son up from school. When I went to the school to get him, the Vice Principal and I were chatting and she mentioned that my son had a detention on Monday at recess. I asked her why and she said it was for throwing snow IN THE SCHOOL. Ok- well, this is his first detention, so not a huge deal, and truthfully, I had many in my life, and I turned out a straight A student, so I'm not really concerned.

As we were walking back to the car, I asked my son how his day was. He said it was great. I asked how he enjoyed the snow (I was trying to prompt him to tell me what happened), he said he loved the snow. So I asked "does snow belong inside or outside?"....He looked at me and said...."How do you always know? The snow was on my friend's boot when he came back in, so we scraped it off and then thought it would be fun to start throwing it around". OK- well, at least he told, and to be honest, I had thought he was bringing the snow inside in his pocket or something. This wasn't so bad. He is, after all, only six years old. I had to try to contain my laughter.

I'm not a big fan of torturing a child, so since he knows that I'm not impressed with the detention, and we talked about it, I decided to let it go. He promised that he wouldn't do this again, and I agreed to help him build a snowfort at least once this winter. Hey, I didn't say today. I said ONCE. This WINTER. I'm secretly hoping there won't be any more snow. :-)

Blocking off the Calendar

This is interesting. I've had three comments in a two week span from 3 different colleagues on the same thing. So, either I'm worse than I thought, or they are really awesome friends. I'm starting to think its a bit of both. :-)

The "third" colleague to bring up the topic of my insane work schedule spoke to me today. He said that I need to block more "me" time. At first I thought he meant spa time or something and then I caught on to what he meant. He said that I need to block off periods in my calendar to do my work so that others cannot schedule me in meetings. A very wise girlfriend at the office dragged me to dinner just last week and said exactly the same thing. And then, there is of course my other pod-made telling me to turn of the blackberry. All of them are right.

So, here we go. I'm going to block off and hour and a half a day to do work. And I'm starting next week. OK- I would start tomorrow, but I have back to back meetings with no lunch (no comments please). Thursday is waaaay too busy. Friday I work from home and have 2 conference calls, so that's my catch up day by default. Next week it is.

On another note, I received an award at work. I'm not trying to brag or something, just reflecting for a moment. Recognition is a funny thing. If I don't get it, I would feel really disgruntled, and would feel like I work for nothing. If I do get it, it just makes me work harder and it almost feeds the beast. Double edged sword I guess. My boss actually made a comment to me about this around a year ago. I had someone on my team who was working late hours and wouldn't stop. I kept rewarding him and he kept doing it more. I kept insisting he take vacation but he wouldn't. I asked my boss for his feedback. What could I do to help this guy slow down? He looked at me in disbelief and said "Are you KIDDING? I have the same issue with you...When you find the solution let me know"...

That's hilarious. My boss is great. He makes me laugh....But he's right. It's such a weird thing- A lack of recognition would make me mean and disgruntled. With recognition, I'm a workaholic. I need to find the balance.

I think I'm going to use the advice given to me over the past two weeks. My one colleague made the comment that if I lowered the bar just a bit nobody would notice. I think he's right. Let's do the experiment and see what happens. If I stop getting the rewards and recognition and become disgruntled, I'm sure somebody somewhere will be sure to let me know. :-)

Pathetic or Kind?

It's weird. Sometimes I don't know if I'm extremely pathetic, or extremely kind. I often give off this tough outer shell image to people; very few actually know how big a softie I am at the end of the day. The person who knows me best in the world is probably my ex (sad but true). I often wonder if he does things just to manipulate my soft side, or if he's being honest and sincere when he speaks to me. Either way, every time I communicate with him, I feel bad for something or another and it leaves me wondering if I'm extremely pathetic, or just extremely kind. Either way, I wish I weren't like this, it really does just complicate things for me, and I feel like it slows down my healing process.

I'm not going to get into the complications of the marriage, or the events that led up to my leaving, but let's just say that it wasn't easy. He was horrible to me, and I don't know if I'll ever get past it. That being said, I still feel sorry for him (I know- What am I? A sucker?). I spoke to him earlier tonight about the children's hockey schedule, and he sounded kind of down, and this made me feel bad for him. He has the crappiest family on the planet, so they are not really much support for him. Our mutual friends have mostly stuck by me throughout everything (no, we did not ask them to side, nor did I really want it to turn out this way), but their decision to "choose" between us has really left him quite isolated. That makes me feel sorry for him. Everyone needs to have a community, or a social network, and this guy is just on his own. I keep telling myself he's on his own because he chooses to be, it's not like he can't go out and mingle...But still, I do feel bad for him.

That brings me to my next question....Is this normal? Is it normal to want to see him happy? Is it normal for me to wish him well and want him to move on and make the best of it, or is that just pathetic of me to still care for his well being, despite the hell he put me through? I keep hoping that this is just me being kind; I mean he is after all, the father of my children. But then this other nagging feeling says- yeah, but given what you went through right to the end, this is really pathetic. Forget him and never look back.

I'm really not the vengeful type. I mean, I'm sure I can be, but I don't know- it kind of feels like a real waste of energy. At the same time, while I don't want to be vengeful, and I do want to be kind and forgiving, I don't want to continually be a doormat either. So where is the balance, especially when you share two children?

I also feel bad because he keeps asking if I've met anyone else. Well, we're not divorced yet, so even if I had, it wouldn't really evolve into anything, and he should know that. At the same time, I know why he's asking. He's hoping I will change my mind and reconcile. That's kind of unfair given what I've been through, but I still feel bad knowing where he's at. It also kind of freaks me out. It tells me that with his super-stalker mentality, and with him living just around the corner from here, I don't really know what moving on will be like, or even more scary, whether he will ever let me move on and be happy. He's got a bit of the "I can't live without you, and I won't let you live without me" mentality going on. I know, very scary. Don't start....Trust me. I know what I'm up against.

This whole thing would have been much easier if he would just move on. I wish he would meet someone and file divorce papers. I wish he would meet friends and go out and have a social life. I wish his family could grow up and start acting like a family, instead of being strangers to him. I wish I could have a clear conscience so I could move on.

How long after a separation does it take to move on and start over? What does it take to heal, and how can we speed the process along? I wish I had a magic crystal ball that would tell me for sure that everything will be ok; for me, my ex, but most of all for these two beautiful children who didn't ask for any of this, but got the worst deal of all. Since I don't have a crystal ball, I'm going to have to wait and see, just like the rest of the world does. The path to healing is not an easy one. Its really tough, and it leaves you wondering if one day you will look back and be thankful you made the choices that you did.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not debating my decision, I'm just praying to God that I won't regret it one day. My friend says that path that always haunts you is the path not taken. This is so true, and I totally understand why. I just want to know when the "haunting" will end, and when I will get a clean break.

Actually, my REAL fear is that the haunting never ends, and that the break will never be a clean one....But here's to hoping.

The Children's Christmas Party

I took the children to an office Christmas party today. Please don't judge. I can just hear it- Oh look! The Muslim Girl who doesn't celebrate Christmas took her kids to a Christmas party. I actually didn't intend to do it, as I was afraid of further confusion around Religion, but I ended up doing it for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my children go to public school which means they are exposed to other religions anyways. Secondly, I want them to grow up learning that we should respect all faiths, and still also be able to respect our own. Thirdly- they outright asked me if my company has an office party, and when I told them yes, they asked why I never take them. I explained that we don't celebrate Christmas, and they asked why we can't just go to the party and have fun with all the other children. That got me to thinking- yeah, why not? I mean - it's not like avoiding Christmas will make it go away or be less visible, and while I know many who would insist that participating in it just confuses the kids further, I don't know if I agree with that.

I have friends from many different faiths and I've always taught the children that there are many religions in the world, and that we are all sort of branches of the same tree at the end of the day. Different paths to get us hopefully to the same destination. Anyhow, I had fun at the party, and so did the children. I also learned something today. Despite how much everyone has told me that exposing children to multiple religions will confuse them, I'm not sure that's true. Anyhow, I went to this party which actually was a show for children, a spin off of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", followed by face painting, jumping castles, etc. The children had a blast. There was really just one part of the event that I was a little concerned about...The part where the children got a chance to have their pictures taken with Santa. They also had the option of getting a picture with the actors of the show. Thankfully, they opted for the actors.

At the end of the day, just as we were leaving, the children caught sight of Santa at the photo booth and asked if they could say hello. I said yes and watched them go over, casually say "Hi Santa- how are you?" He said fine, and asked how they were doing. They responded that they were fine, he gave them a candy cane, and we were off on our way. No big deal at all. I expected a whole bunch of questions around why Santa doesn't visit Muslim homes, or why we don't have Christmas lights up, and I was fully prepared to answer them, but the need never came up.

In fact, its funny. On the way home, my children asked me "even though we don't celebrate Christmas, can we give presents to people who do?" I told them yes, that it was nice to acknowledge other people's religious beliefs, and to be extra considerate during their holidays. I told them I was buying gifts for the neighbors. They were delighted and asked if they could hand them out. I said yes. They were happy.

Sometimes I think we expect the worst. In my opinion, this day went over really well. I feel like I've taught my children that we can still have a different faith yet be respectful of others, participate with them, and still have fun along the way. I don't want them to grow up anal or ethnocentric. At the end of the day, these are the children of two Torontonian born parents. If nothing else, they should be able to grow up with a respect for multiculturalism and for all religions across the board. I'm hoping that I can at least contribute to that in some way, without appearing like an iron fisted brick wall parent. That's really not me. I think the more we push children in one direction, the more they will rebel, and the more we encourage them to being respectful and understanding of the world that surrounds us and the incredibly beautiful diversity within it, the better equipped they will be to succeed in it, to appreciate it, and to become well-rounded people within it.

At the end of the day, Religion is a funny thing. Its kind of a double-edged sword. It has many benefits, as it guides our daily lives, gives us moral boundaries, and a sense of reward for being good people. On the other hand, some people tend to get so obsessed by it that they end up fighting, killing, hurting, and building walls between people, communities and nations. I really don't want to see any of that in my children, so I think a good first step is teaching them to respect our faith, just as much as we respect everyone else's. And hey- having a little fun at some of these parties along the way never hurts either. Life's short, too short to waste time arguing over the trivial things. And while we're at it, bring on the candy canes and jumping castles. Any excuse to play. :-)

Nothing to Justify

I get to spend time with the children this upcoming weekend. It sounds kind of sad doesn't it? After all, they are MY children. Sometimes I feel bad that they are constantly being ping-ponged from my house to my ex's. I mean, what kind of stability is that? Not very stable I suppose...But there isn't much of a choice, so why dwell on it? This is going to be their reality. Every child has one issue or another. This will be theirs. But hey- it could have been worse. I could have remained with my ex. Then these children would have had other issues.

I'm still not ready to talk about it, to name names in this blog, to describe details, etc., but one day I will. It's funny- this blog has been somewhat therapeutic. I'm hoping it will help me heal to the point that one day I can REALLY write. My goal is to one day write a book, purge all this extra emotional baggage, heal, and then move on. I know someone who did that, and she's doing much better. I would love to one day be able to speak about everything- without feeling judged, ashamed, or defensive. I've actually contemplated starting another blog, (somehow or another, a couple of people who know me have found out about this one), but really- that's not the point. If I do that, I'm just deluding myself into believing that I've healed, but until I feel I can face this somewhat publicly, I haven't really healed. Plus, some really interesting people have found this blog, so I'm going to stick with it. I figure maybe I'll tell the story in little pieces and heal little by little, but it's better that way.

I'm not saying that I'm living a facade- in fact, I've been more open and honest about my life now than I've ever been before. I'm more real now than I've ever been before. I'm no longer pretending to be the happy wife, I'm no longer acting like I have this picture perfect marriage, and I'm no longer feeling like I need to lie. I just don't tell people the whole story. If you ask me, that's a heck of a lot better than where I was two years ago, pretending that I was happy, pretending that I was married to my soul mate, pretending that I'd made good decisions in my life. I used to blame myself and ask myself how someone so incredibly smart could make such incredibly stupid decisions.

My friend Graham actually said something really cool to me a couple of months back. He said that instead of kicking myself for the past decisions I made (staying in a failing marriage and a bad situation), maybe I should just accept that difficult decisions like leaving a marriage cannot be made by a young girl in her 20's. Or at least, not easily. He actually said that it takes a grown woman with a pretty level head to weigh out her options and face the world. I think he's right. That pretty much explains why I was able to leave in my 30's, when I couldn't in my 20's. I mean - what was I to do? Face the Indo-Pak community? Are you for REAL? Hello? I'm not sure which hell is worse- a bad marriage or the judgment of these people.

Either way, now I'm free, free from the lies, the facade, the illusions. All I'm facing now is the judgment, and really, that's not so bad. Not in the grand scheme of things. After all, I've managed to face that by staying away from it. That's why nobody sees me at Indian weddings, or religious events, or parties. I've started a new network, and its a happier one. Its also a very multicultural one. And you know what....I'm actually liking it. A lot. I can actually tell people when I want to be left alone. I don't feel OBLIGED to do things as much as I once did, and I don't feel the need to constantly defend myself. I'd say that's pretty good progress...Wouldn't you?

When I first left my husband, I had long conversations with my girlfriend and her husband. They had witnessed some of my issues first hand, and had been kind enough to stay by my side throughout everything. In one particular conversation, my friend said to me, "You should be at peace, you no longer need to worry about what people think. You have nothing to justify". I heard her words, but didn't really know what that meant. I mean, I was after all, explaining my situation over and over again to the community, defending myself every single day that summer. A few months ago, it clicked. I really don't have anything to justify. I actually know that now. There is just way too much that happened. I can't even forget the look on the faces of the one or two people that actually know the truth. "you went through WHAT?". There wasn't just one thing. There were TONS of things that I endured. And it's true. I don't have anything to justify. But I do have a lot to move past. And I do need to move on. For my sake, for my children's sake, but most of all, for the sake of that scared girl in her 20's who couldn't face the world but held on and endured, hoping that one day she would have the courage start over.

Trying His Best

My son got his first grade one report card. Now before I get into this story, I'm going to qualify this by saying- yes I am a strong supporter of academics. I think an education is very important, and I would love nothing more than to see both my children be academically successful in their lives. That being said, I do not want to pressure them. Although some parental pressure can at times teach them to try harder, at other times it can backfire and make children give up. All I want right now is to see my children do their best, whatever that may be.

Here's the phenomenal thing. My son got all B's on his last report card. Now, you may wonder why a mother who pulled a straight A average throughout her entire academic career is so ecstatic that her son got B's in grade one. It's not the grade I'm concerned about. Not in the least. It's what the grade represents that matters to me. You see, I read the legend. A 'B' in all subjects means that he's meeting all the requirements. The phenomenal part is that this child is doing 'average' or 'acceptable' despite an incredibly challenging period in his life.

Look at it from his perspective. This little guy was removed in June 2004 from a home where he lived with his two parents. He was taken out of a school with all his friends and had to live with his mother and grandparents for a year. He also had to start a new school and meet new friends. Then, he and his sister were uprooted once again a year later (this past July) and moved into a new home. No more grandparents, and no father. Then, two months later, he started in a new school (this September), where not only did he have to learn new rules, meet new friends (yet again), but he also had to adapt to a new approach to learning. This is after all a public school, which is a big change coming from a Montessori environment.

I don't know about you, but for me, if I had all that change happen, you would probably notice that I would be much more distracted at work, that I would be somewhat emotional, maybe moody, and definitely would need the world to cut me some slack. And I'm an adult.

This little guy was able to keep up with everyone else despite all these challenges. I mean, how could anyone expect more than that? This tells me that he's a phenomenal kid, because really- if he had normal circumstances, he would be doing better than average. What more could I possibly ask for?

I'm also thrilled for another reason. This means he's doing ok. This means my children are adapting well. This means the child that appears to be happy and doing well is managing, despite this separation. This means that my efforts are working.

All I want is for my children to be ok. That is the most important goal. After that, I need to make sure that I'M ok. This makes me hopeful. This makes me happy. Somehow, something as trivial as a grade one report card feels like its MY report card- the fact that my child is doing "average" given this situation means that I must have done well helping him transition. I guess it's a moment to feel reassured. After all, we all need reassurance sometimes, don't we? My friends are always telling me about how great my children are, and how well they seem to be managing, but I half expect to hear that from my friends. Really- what else are they going to say? Man- you messed up these kids, and you've failed as a mother? Of course not.

I guess the external report on my son's progress means so much because it comes from someone who doesn't know me, my sensitivities, or how much this will mean to me. His teacher isn't trying to soften the blow, to make me feel better, or to sugar coat things. She's just an objective outsider giving her evaluation of his progress, of my progress, and of our progress. (She just doesn't realize that's what she's doing). I'm grateful for the status report, and for the reassurance. Here's to hoping for another "average" term, for another fabulous status report, and for further reassurance. I can only do my best to help these children succeed, and all I can ask of my children is that they continue to try their best. Strive for excellence, not perfection, right? Right now, the best thing is to be reasonable, and fair and to hope and pray for the best. My son has exceeded my expectations. I give him an A+ for his effort, and that's the most important category and grade of all.

Good Morning!

I woke up this morning to the cutest thing in the world. Two little monkeys in my bed. I'm usually a light sleeper, but somehow I don't even remember them making it into my bed last night. When I woke up, there they were, my son and daughter cuddled together under my blanket in this king sized bed. (Thank God its a big bed!).

They looked so adorable. There's something about little children when they are sleeping...They look so perfect. I kissed each of them on the forehead and woke them up for school.

When I asked how they got into my bed, my son answered that "they" had a bad dream last night. "Both of you?" He responded that yes, they had both had a bad dream, and decided to come and join me. I contemplated explaining to the children that they couldn't have had the same bad dream at the same time, or that it was unlikely that they both had nightmares at the same moment, but they looked so proud of themselves for their explanation that I just didn't have the heart.

"We're allowed to come to your room for bad dreams mommy- that's your rule", my son reminded me.

"Yes you are, honey, anytime".

They are so adorable. I think what really happened is that they probably waited till I was asleep and tiptoed into my room, into my bed, snuggled up together and fell asleep. But either way, its fine. Especially if it makes them feel better. Besides, I kind of like the feel of waking up and seeing them all snuggled up like that. I know its probably better to give them a proper "strict" routine in their own bed, and I am trying to do that at bedtime. But for now, I'm going to turn a blind eye to their "nightmare" routine, rather than tell them they can't join me. I'm sure it will fade, and even if it doesn't, it's still fun for now :-)

As for me, I'm still trying to rest. The 'to do' list never seems to go away though. And here's something weird. Yesterday I took my car to the mechanic. You know its really bad when the mechanic calls you and advises that he can make a lot of money and fix your car, but "if you want my real advice, buy a new car". Great. Apparently the engine is messed up big time.

Oddly enough, although this is a massive and unexpected expense, (I wasn't even budgeting for a new car right now), the truth is, I was sick of that car. It was my ex's car, and I "inherited" it during the separation. To be honest, every time I look at it, I see him sitting in it. That in turn reminds me of everything that happened, and well, you get the point. I think a healthy part of my new beginning will be getting rid of his car. A costly part, but probably better in the long run. Now I just have to find a super cheap car that I can drive.

So much for a car representing your desired image. Whatever I get now will just have to be transportation, there will be no image thing happening here. But hey- at least it will be MY car. That's a good start. My home, my car, my space. All of it is financially tough, but its all emotionally good.

Resting Days

Well...I finished all the audit stuff...That was insanely difficult. When I went in on Monday morning, my boss commented on two things- that I looked like crap and that he didn't think I needed to do all the stuff that I did. That kind of made me feel bad. But then, 3 hours later when he did meet up with the auditors, he came back to me and told me that they needed all the documentation that I had done. Every single item was necessary. That made me feel a whole lot better.

Anyhow, I'm off today and tomorrow, and the weekend of course. That gives me 4 days to rest. My boss insisted that I take the time to get a break (wow- I must have looked really bad that day) :-)

Its not much of a teaparty, I'm actually just doing the stuff I would have done anyways- snow tires on the car, snow boots for the kids, clean house, laundry, but its nice to be at home.

As I was on my way out of the office last night, my colleague commented again on how I really need to learn to turn the blackberry off. I think he's right, so I'm trying it. I must admit, I do have the urge to check it, but I'm fighting it :-). I even have my msn set to "appear offline" so that my colleagues and team members won't ask me work questions. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

On another note, I have that ulcer test tomorrow. Not fun. Today's diet consists of clear liquids and laxatives to prepare for the test. Very nice. Maybe its better that I'm not in the office...That would just be all wrong.

We had snow last night and as I woke up I thought - dang- I don't even own a shovel. I guess its just another thing I didn't think of. My ex used to do all the outside stuff. I never had to touch anything like that...I guess I'm still getting used to all this manual labour. But to be honest, its still totally worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The freedom and peace I have with things the way they are - there's nothing like it. Sometimes I think back to the events that occurred right before I left, and I can't believe I let myself go through that. I'm not even ready to write about it, and I can count on one hand the number of people who actually know the truth. All I can say is that nobody should allow themselves to stay in a situation like that...Nobody. I still get nightmares and wake up at night from remembering half the stuff...But that was a year and a half ago, and it seems like a lifetime away.

Anyhow, this morning when I got the kids in the car and opened the garage- my driveway was shoveled! Those neighbours are so awesome! Who are these people, and why are they so incredibly kind to me? Mental note- extra large gift basket for them at Christmas. Mental note number two- I have to remember to reciprocate. Hmmm- Maybe I can get my 6yr old son to help me shovel the snow next time. What- like you wouldn't do the same? We can make a game out of it- let's see who can shovel faster :-)

Either way, I am totally shocked at how awesome those neighbours are. I mean, I know people like that existed back in the Beaver Cleaver days, but I really didn't expect it in today's self-centered-all-about-me world. People just aren't like that anymore, at least, not that often. Wow- lucky me, I feel so blessed. Of all the homes to move into, I got this one that I love, and of all the neighbours in the world, I got the best ones. I mean, its not about shoveling the driveway, or fertilizing my lawn, its about the fact that they actually care enough to go out of their way. I don't know if its because they know its just me and the kids, or if they would do it anyways, but their kindness is really overwhelming. The funny thing is, I bet they don't even have a clue how big an impact their kindness has on me, and how much it makes me reflect about myself, or about how much it rebuilds my faith in humanity. They just do it - just because that's who they are. Random acts of kindness. Pretty incredible, huh?

Almost there

I NEVER thought I'd ever say this...But I cannot wait for this weekend to be over. I cannot wait for Monday to be here, because then, I will have finished all this audit prep, and although I will be exhausted, I will be human again. This is pure hell.

I don't think I've done this to my body since way back in my undergraduate years. Working all day and night nonstop to get stuff documented and overwith. I had forgotten how this feels. Its crap. Why would anyone subject themselves to this? If I see another piece of paper that says "risk plan" or "process" on it again, my head is going to crack open and a bunch of little creatures are going to come out and start dancing on the tables and chairs and wreaking havoc on the universe (ever see the movie "gremlins"?)

Yes, I know, I'm dating myself, but that's the image I have in my head. Except my creatures will probably be dancing to the macerena while wreaking havoc. Don't ask. Its almost 2am and I've only slept about 6 hours in the past 48. What do I know?

Well, I know that I'm glad the kids are at their dad's this weekend. Glad for them that is. I also know that sitting in trackpants for 2 days in a row with eyeglasses and no makeup feels really nasty. I also know that I've become so obsessed that I've resorted to eating Frosted Flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I get this done. Now that's sick. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you one thing, I DO NOT miss those university days. Frosted Flakes for dinner. What a concept. Its almost funny- I can think of a million times when I've told the children "no, you may NOT have cereal for dinner, because that's just wrong". But here I am- Frosted Flakes for dinner.

You know what? I was right- This is sooooo wrong. The other pathetic thing is that I have plenty of stuff I could eat sitting right there in the fridge, but I go for Frosted Flakes. I dunno. Its 2am. Don't even try asking me to explain all this. I'm tired. And the weird thing is, given how sick I've been lately, I REALLY should not be doing this to myself. I mean, I'm still undergoing tests for this insane ulcer, and I'm making myself sleep deprived and messing up my eating habits. But oddly enough, as an aside, one thing I do know is that all those Frosted flakes have worked wonders on the ulcer. Go figure. Must be all that milk. And sugar. OK - Now thinking of all that sugar, I just feel even nastier. I think I'm gonna be sick...

I bet when Monday comes, I will have done all this magical perfect documentation and nobody will ask for any of it. I have to tell you, if that happens, I'm going to have the biggest massive freak-O attack on the planet. I can just see myself running up to the auditors hurling stacks of paper at them yelling "you MUST read this. Its perfection, Dammit!!!!". That's when the nice men come with the white straightjacket just for me. But hey, I bet that will get me a few days of uninterrupted sleep :-)

Gosh I need sleep. I'm outta here. Almost done. 24 hours to go, and the pathetic thing is, nobody has a clue how much work I'm doing. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Well if I do all this documentation and nobody knows, does anybody care? Hmmmm I'm starting to feel really suckered right now...

The Office Audit

I am drained. I have been working late every night this week. I know, it goes against everything I posted last week, but our department is going through an audit starting Monday, and these things have a way of taking more time out of our day than we originally expected.

It's not like our group is doing some bad stuff, and it's not like we've cut major corners or something. But audits are about documentation and paper trails, and so it's always good to double check and make sure that everything is good before someone finds a mistake for you.

I know I promised myself I wouldn't work late, and that I would take it easy. But really- this is different, and here's why: My extra effort right now is not for my own benefit. In fact, I don't think it really benefits me in any major way. (I mean, I didn't even tell my boss about all the extra work hours, so really- almost nobody knows I'm doing this).

But this is about loyalty and reciprocation, and yes, integrity. My boss has done so much for me over the years, that I owe him big time. If I can put in a few extra hours to make sure that his department looks good, I'll feel like I contributed back. Not that I don't every single day- I know I'm a great employee, and that he considers me a valuable part of the team. But still- this is about supporting someone who's always supported me.

Since this is not about personal career advancement, or about recognition, or about messed up priorities, I have no issues with the long hours. OK- Aside from the fact that the ulcer is bugging me, but really- that will have to be dealt with by slowing down next week. Not the best answer, but hey- I am going for another doctor's visit tomorrow morning, so I'm doing the best I can.

Anyhow, enough about the audit. I want to talk about something totally awesome- my parents' support. I got home at 10:15 pm today (left the office at 9), and my parents picked up the kids, fed them at their house, then brought them to my house and put them to sleep. Isn't that awesome? What amazing parents!

I came home and saw my mom lying on my couch half asleep and my dad waiting for me in my living room and I felt like I was a 17 year old, with parents who were waiting up for her. Only this time, I loved it. A 17 year old's instinct is to complain and tell her parents to leave her alone and stop keeping tabs on her. But for me, to see my parents waiting there, just doing whatever they could to help and support me, it melted my heart.

My dad asked me how everything was going. I told him it was all on track. He smiled and said "Good. That boss of yours is a good person. You make sure you do whatever you can to make this go well for him". Good old Indian Loyalty. Gotta love it. That is actually one thing about this culture that I do love. Loyalty, integrity, and yes, some of the old fashioned values.

I said some. :-)

Next- my parents asked about the ulcer, asked if I had dinner yet (I didn't), and my mom pointed to a tupperware on my counter. She said she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't eat, so she brought dinner for me. Saved. I was starved. God Bless my awesome parents.

I don't know why as teenagers we go through such a tug of war with our parents, but I have to say, parents are the best thing in the world. No matter where you go, or what you do, they will always be there for you. Funny- I had a really stressful day at the office and even as an almost-divorced-single-mom, I still get to come home to the same comfort I got when I was a little child.

I still remember those cold winter days as early as the second grade when I got home from school, only to find my mom waiting at the door for me with a warm cup of cocoa. Now that was really special. Just as special as this evening's scene of my parents waiting patiently for me in my family room. Waiting to make sure their daughter got home safely. Waiting to make sure their grandchildren were tucked in nicely. But never expecting much in return.

Some people would laugh and say that I'm too dependent, but really I'm not. I'm actually very independent, and rather confident about that. Some would say that I get pampered too much by my family. Others have actually told me to back away, and not let my parents be so involved in my life. I would respond by saying that those people don't know what they're missing. :-)

Happiness vs. Stress

I spoke to a girlfriend last night, and she had an interesting perspective. We talked about this ulcer, and I expressed my disappointment in myself. I told her that I thought that I had come a long way, and that this made me feel like I was a bit delusional...Again.

She spoke to me about happiness. She said that in all the years that she's known me, she's never seen me this happy or calm. Yes, I have a busy lifestyle, but I seemed to be in an entirely different space altogether. I agreed with her in that. The stress in my life is about calendar, stuff to do, capacity at work, etc. I would describe it as physical stress. But the truth is, I don't really feel any emotional stress. I feel much calmer, and much more at peace these days. So she pointed out that an ulcer doesn't mean that I'm not better off, or that I haven't done well, but it does mean I still have to slow down. Nobody's perfect, right?

Well, that made me feel better, and I think she's right. She pointed out that moving was the next biggest stress next to death of a spouse and divorce. That's true. I just went through a move, a new adjustment for me and the children, and I had to deal with issues around the divorce. So maybe I'm just being too hard on myself? These things ARE stressful, but I do think I'm handling them well. At the same time, I think comments like the one about me needing to park the blackberry are also accurate. I could help myself slow down if I really tried. I'm going to try those suggestions as well. One step at a time, right?

One thing that my friend told me yesterday was that she saw a difference in my children. That they seemed calmer and happier, and I think she was being honest. And, she said, "not calmer and happier and doing well GIVEN your situation. Just overall- no qualifiers". So, if they seem to be doing well, and better than before, and I feel more at ease, I guess the only stuff left to do is manage the capacity stuff....But accept that the emotional element is well on its way. That I can deal with.

Thank God for awesome friends. Where would we be without them?

My Body Defies Me

Well this is a weird space to be in. I've spent a whole year and a half telling myself that I am ok, that I've learned from my past, and that I will never let history repeat itself. Lying in that hospital bed in March 2004, I swore that I would never let myself be there again, that I would never let stress take over, and that my body would never again feel the impact of my lifestyle. And just two weeks ago, I had myself convinced that I was doing better, that I was living stress free and that I had finally managed to get things under control. I was happy and hopeful, and then my body defied me once again. Told me that I'm wrong, that I still haven't slowed down, that I still need to work on this.

I'm feeling a bit defeated...I mean I thought I was on the right track, I thought I had reached a point where I was very conscious of slowing down and taking it easy, but apparently, I was wrong. Apparently I was just as delusional as I was when I was being CT scanned in the hospital March 2004, 20 minutes after being ambulanced in, telling the doctors that I was NOT stressed out. Not stressed, yet I was in a miserable marriage, contemplating divorce, financial pressures were nuts, and I had been working about 15 hours a day on a 13 month project (I kid you not). Delusional. Completely delusional. Yet, two days ago, I sat scrunched over in the chair in my doctors office begging him to help the ulcer pain. We've been working on this ulcer for months, and now its gotten really bad. I mean, high levels of bleeding bad. Where the hell did I go wrong? Dr. Clive asked me about stress levels, and I assured him that everything was good. But then he got annoyed (and he NEVER gets irritated with me). He said something along the lines of "lets see- You've moved into a new house in July, you're dealing with the children almost full time, your bi-polar ex who won't leave you alone moved a minute walk from your house, and you've started working extended hours to manage your workload at the office. Oh yeah, of course, this can't be stress related. When will you open your eyes?"

I wanted to cry. I mean, I REALLY believed that I wasn't stressed. I told my good friend this story today and she basically said "you're surprised? This is your cycle...You think you're superwoman, you tell yourself you're ok, your body reacts or shuts down and you slow down for a bit..."

Well, yes, now that you put it that way, I guess it is my cycle. But I REALLY thought this time was different. I was actually proud of myself. So now, well....What now? What else can I possibly change? Turn off the blackberry more? Sure- let's evaluate that- hmmm I'm a single mom and the sole breadwinner for this home. Yeah, screwing up at work is a fabulous idea. What other ideas? Go to bed early? Yes, I suppose the lunch fairy will come over and pack my son's lunch. Get to work early? Sure- you get these kids out of bed in the morning. No luck there. So what now?

I cannot explain the intense frustration. I'm lying here unable to move cuz of this freakin pain, and I'm lost, cuz I really believed this time I was different. I'm going to go and re-read Gabor Mate's book "when the body says no"...Maybe that will knock some sense back into me. My friend is right. This is my cycle...But I really wish it wasn't. And while I will not let go of the fact that I have made significant changes over the past year and a half, perhaps I need to accept the fact that there is still quite a long road ahead, quite alot of work to be done, and quite alot of things I still need to learn and evaluate. I'm going to accept this as a gift from God, as another wake up call, just like the hospital visit in March 2004. Time to re-evaluate. Time to reprioritize, time to focus on ME.

Save the Puppies

I have to recount this story. It made me smile. A few days ago, I took my son to the pet store to look at the puppies. This pet store doesn't have a cage or glass, they actually have this little fence built around the puppies so you can touch them from over the fence, or through the mesh. My son had a blast. "Look at those puppies mommy- they are so cute!"

I watched him play with the puppies for about 20 minutes. There were 4 white little puppies in that cage. 3 of them were really tiny, and one was a bit bigger. Eventually, they started fighting. The bigger one started barking and biting the other 3, who were yelping and whining. I watched this for a couple of minutes, and then saw the expression on my son's face. "Honey- are you ok"?

"No mommy- we need to buy that big puppy". The big one? That was bizarre...It was the mean one that was causing all the trouble. "Why the big one?"...."Because, Mommy- if we don't buy him, he will KILL the other doggies and that would be VERY bad. We have to buy the big one to get him away from the little ones. We just HAVE to."

Wow...A bit altruistic there buddy, aren't ya? Um ok so I thought I'd ask him- did it occur to you that if we buy the mean doggie, WE would have to deal with him living in our house? (OK- This is a theoretical discussion only, cuz the fact is, there is no puppy thing happening in my house. Not now, not ever. But I had to ask the question). My son said "it doesn't matter. If we save the other dogs, they will be happy, and then I will be happy cuz they're too cute and we need to help them".

Adorable. I really don't think all kids think like this little guy. I know every parent thinks their child is the brightest, the nicest, the best kid on the planet, but make no mistake, I am NOT that parent. I know his flaws, and I know his strengths...But his incredible ability to care for others does overwhelm me sometimes.

This child is a little utilitarian. The greater happiness outweighs everything else. 3 puppies would be better off if we took the big one off their hands, so that's what we will do, even if it means we don't get to take home the best puppy.

I left the pet store hand in hand with my son thinking, wow- I hope he continues to be this way. I like his compassion, his care, his sensitivity. There are enough insensitive guys in this world, and not enough of the good ones. If I can actually help to keep my son where he is, nurture him, care for him, but teach him to be confident about himself at the same time- maybe, just maybe, he will be one of the good ones when he gets older. Maybe he will be one of the selfless ones who is capable of caring about others, and being in tune with his feelings and emotions, instead of putting up a brick wall, or hiding his compassionate side in an attempt to be more "macho".

I really hope that I am able to help raise my son in that manner. I hope I can raise him to be strong, confident, compassionate, but still a gentleman. If I can raise my son to be one of those men, I will definitely feel that I was a success as a mother.

I Survived!

I did it. I lasted through Eid dinner and I'm still alive. Actually, I'm better than alive. I feel great. I guess the two days of mental preparation worked. I've saved myself the usual 3 weeks after such an event where I'm usually trying to get over the guilt and feeling that I've somehow made a horrible mistake.

I managed to avoid most situations by first sitting in groups. People don't ask detailed personal questions if you're sitting in a crowd. I did have 2 run-ins with this aunt, and avoided her questions on the first one. The second time she did get me alone and managed to ask if my "husband" was doing better. "yes, he's well". I responded. She exclaimed that this was great news, that everything will be ok, that the kids will be happy...And so I stopped her. I told her that he's on his meds. That doesn't mean that there will be any changes to this situation, and by the way, the children ARE happy. Kids, after all, are very resilient. She started to protest and I stopped her mid-sentence. (Really- I mean what the hell- has she not seen what the past year and a half has been like? Does she think I'm a sucker for pain?)

"Actually- that's it. My decision is made. It's done. There's nothing left to talk about". She continued to ask what I meant by " it's done", but I refused to answer. I just shook my head and said nothing. Then she got up and walked away...'Good'... I thought to myself. 'And don't let the door hit you on your way out'.

I got up and walked towards the carpet where my daughter was playing with her Barbies. I smiled triumphantly and asked if I could join her. She was delighted. So was I. 'Ahhh'...I thought to myself. 'Stress free at last'.

I need to do this more often. Maybe I'm getting smarter. Maybe I'm getting stronger. Or maybe, I'm just learning not to let myself fall down the same conversational rathole more than once. Whatever the case may be, I'm liking it.

Happy Eid

Well, its Eid. Finally here. I spent the morning bathing and dressing the children so they could look great for their visit to my ex-in laws. Although I haven't kept in touch of most of my ex's family, I did keep in touch with his eldest brother. I called him this morning to wish him well.

Getting the children dressed for their visit was quite an undertaking, because I wanted them to look perfect. Didn't want to give the ex's the opportunity to feel that I don't take care of my children, that they don't look great, or that I don't dress them well enough.

My children looked fabulous. I dressed them in traditional Indian clothing, and they looked as cute as ever. Its kind of funny because they definitely looked very Indian and stylish in their garb, but really- very little about them has connected with the culture- other than their love for the clothing, and for butter chicken. My children don't particularly like Indian food and they don't speak or even understand the language. Yet another thing to worry about, I suppose.

I'm sure the conversation at my ex-in-laws this morning will undoubtedly touch on the fact that I was a white-washed mother (they always thought that), who was unable to pass culture, traditions, and language to my children. I know it would have been better for them to have at least learned the language, but come on- I don't speak it all that well, and so where would they have learned it from? The one year that I lived with my parents, my mom would try to talk to them in Urdu, but really, she speaks English so often that even she was not very successful. My kids would just look at me and comment that their grandmother "talks funny". Oh well- can't take the world's burden on my shoulders. I've decided not to ask the children too much about their visit with the extended clan this morning, cuz really, I don't think I want to know details of what goes on. Ignorance is bliss, so I'd like to keep it that way. I'll ask if they had a nice time, and leave it at that.

As for this evening's dreaded family reunion, I'm bracing myself. I've decided that the safest place for me tonight will be in the kitchen helping my mom. Nobody will ask personal questions in her presence, so I'll be safe there. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I might get by without the comments I'm anticipating from my aunt. Here's to hoping.

Its funny- a few years back at Christmas time, I was at Blockbuster video. I asked them if they would be open on Christmas day and the guy said "of course- that's our busiest day of the year!" I was shocked and asked how xmas could be so busy...He said that it was cuz everyone is forced to spend the time with family and when they get together once in a year, there isn't much to say or do, so they resort to renting movies. I recall thinking that this was a really sad state and was grateful at the time that Eid was not like that for me.

Today, post separation, and finding myself as the social leper of the Pakistani community, I completely understand the sentiment. In fact, a little outing to Blockbuster might not be such a bad idea. I think I'll take my card with me just in case I need it. In case I need a break from the judgment, the questions, the pressure...Whatever.

The afternoon from 3-7 will be fine, in fact I'm looking forward to it, cuz that's just my immediate family, and that's when the children will get their gifts etc. Its the evening I'm a bit worried about. Then again, I could always use the kids as an excuse and leave by 10 (after dinner and dessert) if things get difficult.
Either way, I am mentally prepared. I've spent two whole days mentally preparing. And you know what? My daughter and I can always bust out the Barbies to pass the time if I need it. Instant stress relief. I LOVE it! :-) The kids make an awesome excuse...Oh so-and-so is tired. Oh, so-and-so is cranky- Oh the kids want ice cream so I'm taking them to Baskin Robbins. Like I said- I have spent two days ensuring that I am prepared for tonight. Bring it on. :-)

The Moon

This is what I cannot stand about our community. The Lunar Calendar drives me absolutely nuts. For those of you who are Muslim, some of you can probably relate to what I'm saying.

I know that the Muslim Calendar goes according to the Lunar Calendar, and that the new moon signifies the beginning of a new month. For Eid, the new moon tells us that its the new month, which marks the end of the old month (Ramadan), thereby telling us that its time to celebrate Eid. What I do not understand is why our community is so incapable of applying a little bit of logic to this whole process. I can't help but think that some people in our community have a little bit of the fundamentalist thinking going on.

I mean really, there is a bit of science that can be applied here. We do know when the new moon will be. But even if you didn't want to go by that, even if you didn't want to use the scientific projections of when the new moon will be, there are places like Australia for example that should see the moon before we do. So, wouldn't WE here in North America be able to at least have that to go on? Why do we have to wait around the night before to see if someone in North America has determined if the moon was sighted in this part of the world? I mean, what do we really think- that the moon, if sighted in Australia will suddenly decide to pack its bags and go on vacation to Jupiter for a day and show up on this side of the world a day late? I mean REALLY- how stupid is that? Honestly, I am ashamed to be affiliated with such stupidity. I actually had to take Thursday AND Friday off work because I was too embarrassed to admit to people that I belong to such a stupid community with such incredibly idiotic thinking. What the hell is wrong with us?

So here I am- its Thursday. I'm sitting at home, and the Toronto community stands divided yet again. Half of Toronto is celebrating Eid today and the other half has decided to celebrate tomorrow. My family is celebrating tomorrow and my friends are celebrating today. This is idiotic, and our community is made up of a bunch of moronic fools. How incredibly embarrassing.

On the bright side, this did give me the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my daughter. I dropped my son off to school and was on my way to drop my daughter off when I suddenly realized- I have the day OFF. I'm not working today. I can actually keep my daughter with me (nobody died from missing a day of junior kindergarten). She was absolutely delighted when I made the suggestion. She was telling my mom that this is a special mommy and daughter day. Silver lining amidst a stupid process :-)

Another great thing is that today is actually a beautiful day outside. My daughter and I went for a walk, hand in hand, and she found a ladybug. She was so excited with her new "friend" that I couldn't help to marvel at how adorable she was. I guess that's the good part- in the middle of all this frustration, I get to spend some quality time with my little princess. This is what really matters. So, for today, I'm going to forget about my frustration with the community, forget about my ex, forget about tomorrow's upcoming family visit, and focus on today. Today, I get a whole day to spend with this angel. Now there's an Eid gift, just for me. An opportunity to smile, an opportunity to be happy, an opportunity to be reassured once again, that I'm doing the best I can, and that everything will be ok. I can still hear my daughter's song from this morning ringing in my head. "Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me"....

Dreading the Holiday

I mentioned a couple of days ago that Eid was coming up this Friday. Eid marks the end of Ramadan and its festivities are equivalent to Christmas for Muslims. I've taken Thursday and Friday off this week to celebrate with my family, as this Eid is a very significant one for me, because its my first Eid on my own with the children. I wanted everything to be great. I wanted to have a good time for the children. I wanted to be a good mother. But to be honest, as the day gets closer and closer, I'm starting to dread it more and more.

There are two things that are bothering me. One is the co-ordination with the children and my ex, and the other is meeting with extended family and friends and having to face the overbearing judgment of an incredibly nosy and unforgiving community. To be honest, I'm not sure which is worse.

I'm trying to be the best mother I can be. I'm trying to be fair to my children. I do not want to go to my grave one day knowing that I played mind games with them or hurt their relationship with their father in any way. I cannot and will not be responsible for that. The problem is, my intense desire to avoid any and all situations that can potentially cause me guilt also ends up making me a massive sucker, and I feel like I get pushed around way too much. The question is, how do you learn the difference between having a backbone, and going overboard? Its a very fine line.

Case and point-naturally, my ex wants to see the children for Eid. And even though Eid falls on a day that is technically mine (a weekday), I wouldn't dream of keeping them from him or his family. I actually gave him the choice- afternoon or evening. Since his family was having a family lunch, I requested that my family meet for a family dinner. That way, the children would get to spend the morning with their dad's family, and the evening with mine. I will get the children back at 3pm. I think that was fair, and reasonable.

Well, as it turns out, apparently, I'm not reasonable enough. You see, my children are enrolled in hockey. And while its a great sport, its also a big commitment for me and my ex. They play on Monday nights, Saturday mornings (practice) and again on Sunday morning. This week, because of Halloween, they missed the Monday game, and because of my daughter's upcoming birthday party, they will miss the Sunday game. So I get this email from my ex DEMANDING that I ensure that the children go to bed early (like 7pm) on Friday night so he can take them to hockey on Saturday morning. OK- Unless I'm missing something, he's nuts. I told him that it was unreasonable, that he would have the children all morning, and that my parents dinner party started at 6pm. He actually had the nerve to email me and tell me that I'm an irresponsible mother, and that hockey was more important than yet another evening with my family. Apparently, the children see enough of my family as it is, so seeing them yet again, religious holiday or not is an example of me going overboard and not respecting my responsibilities to their scheduled activities.

I'm not trying to air all my dirty laundry here, but honestly, I have enough guilt in my life, and enough hassle. I really don't need any more. I don't need to be told that I'm a bad mother, or that I'm selfish. I don't need to be told that I don't care about the children, or that I can't prioritize. I think its more than reasonable to think that its ok for the kids to miss a game on what is the equivalent of Christmas weekend. Yet, I'm somehow made to feel like crap. And it didn't end there. I got a ton of harassing emails today. My girlfriend at the office (awesome friend!), actually asked me what was wrong, and when I told her, she advised me to stop reading his emails and ignore him. "He's crazy, you're not- ignore him"...And she's right. But, this is a very delicate balance for me. I'm just adjusting to my new life, and I can't have these intrusions and arguments. I'm the person who gets physically ill from any form of conflict, and that would explain the intense pain I'm having today from this ulcer. Its acting up like never before.

Aside from all that, I am dreading seeing my aunt. Every time I see her (and I do avoid seeing her), she gives me this lecture about what a selfish horrible mother I am, and how I've ruined my children's lives by wrecking the home and walking out on my ex. Well, it wasn't quite like that. I'm not about to divulge the details of why I left, but rest assured, it was not a small thing. Use your imagination, people, I'm sure you can figure some of it out- the guy was after all, bipolar. But, given that I have two children, and I truly don't want them to grow up hating their dad, I avoid talking about our personal issues, not to protect him, but to protect the children. As a result, I have to deal with comments like "we dream of guys like that for our daughters and you had one and walked away- maybe you're too demanding, maybe you have your priorities messed up, maybe this high Western divorce culture has gone to your head". Yeah right lady. This is a total cakewalk. I did this because its the easy way out. This is exactly the life I wanted. Take a hike - and leave me the hell alone. I love my immediate family. Its THEIR family that I cannot stand.

So, here I am. Waiting for Friday to come and go. Wondering how to avoid my aunt and her stupid comments. Wondering how I can avoid yet another argument with my ex where he takes a sledgehammer to my self esteem. I'm tired today, and a little fed up. I'm sorry if my tone is not that upbeat, but I'm really really tired of all this. Sometimes, I wish I could build a little hut somewhere away from everyone else and just start over. This new home was supposed to be my hut away from everyone, and then my ex found out where I was living and rented a place a minute walk from here. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said a minute. And yes, I said walk. Total stalker.

Anyhow, I know I'll survive this. I've come this far. I know I'll get through, after all, I can always wear earplugs around my aunt and pretend that I fell off the face of the earth when my ex emails (although...A walk by my home, and he'd know better)....But anyhow, there are ways to get by. This is one of them. I used to keep everything bottled up and act like it was ok. I've now recognized that I cannot do that. It just makes me ill, and hurts my health. I need to get this stuff out of my system, or I'll end up losing it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like calling a vendor a "bad, bad vendor". Yes I did that. No I'm not proud of it. By I got through thanks to some great friends who tried to downplay my errors and mistakes.

OK- I'm going to get through this, as always. My rant is over. Man- my kingdom for an isolated hut! :-)