Nothing to Justify

I get to spend time with the children this upcoming weekend. It sounds kind of sad doesn't it? After all, they are MY children. Sometimes I feel bad that they are constantly being ping-ponged from my house to my ex's. I mean, what kind of stability is that? Not very stable I suppose...But there isn't much of a choice, so why dwell on it? This is going to be their reality. Every child has one issue or another. This will be theirs. But hey- it could have been worse. I could have remained with my ex. Then these children would have had other issues.

I'm still not ready to talk about it, to name names in this blog, to describe details, etc., but one day I will. It's funny- this blog has been somewhat therapeutic. I'm hoping it will help me heal to the point that one day I can REALLY write. My goal is to one day write a book, purge all this extra emotional baggage, heal, and then move on. I know someone who did that, and she's doing much better. I would love to one day be able to speak about everything- without feeling judged, ashamed, or defensive. I've actually contemplated starting another blog, (somehow or another, a couple of people who know me have found out about this one), but really- that's not the point. If I do that, I'm just deluding myself into believing that I've healed, but until I feel I can face this somewhat publicly, I haven't really healed. Plus, some really interesting people have found this blog, so I'm going to stick with it. I figure maybe I'll tell the story in little pieces and heal little by little, but it's better that way.

I'm not saying that I'm living a facade- in fact, I've been more open and honest about my life now than I've ever been before. I'm more real now than I've ever been before. I'm no longer pretending to be the happy wife, I'm no longer acting like I have this picture perfect marriage, and I'm no longer feeling like I need to lie. I just don't tell people the whole story. If you ask me, that's a heck of a lot better than where I was two years ago, pretending that I was happy, pretending that I was married to my soul mate, pretending that I'd made good decisions in my life. I used to blame myself and ask myself how someone so incredibly smart could make such incredibly stupid decisions.

My friend Graham actually said something really cool to me a couple of months back. He said that instead of kicking myself for the past decisions I made (staying in a failing marriage and a bad situation), maybe I should just accept that difficult decisions like leaving a marriage cannot be made by a young girl in her 20's. Or at least, not easily. He actually said that it takes a grown woman with a pretty level head to weigh out her options and face the world. I think he's right. That pretty much explains why I was able to leave in my 30's, when I couldn't in my 20's. I mean - what was I to do? Face the Indo-Pak community? Are you for REAL? Hello? I'm not sure which hell is worse- a bad marriage or the judgment of these people.

Either way, now I'm free, free from the lies, the facade, the illusions. All I'm facing now is the judgment, and really, that's not so bad. Not in the grand scheme of things. After all, I've managed to face that by staying away from it. That's why nobody sees me at Indian weddings, or religious events, or parties. I've started a new network, and its a happier one. Its also a very multicultural one. And you know what....I'm actually liking it. A lot. I can actually tell people when I want to be left alone. I don't feel OBLIGED to do things as much as I once did, and I don't feel the need to constantly defend myself. I'd say that's pretty good progress...Wouldn't you?

When I first left my husband, I had long conversations with my girlfriend and her husband. They had witnessed some of my issues first hand, and had been kind enough to stay by my side throughout everything. In one particular conversation, my friend said to me, "You should be at peace, you no longer need to worry about what people think. You have nothing to justify". I heard her words, but didn't really know what that meant. I mean, I was after all, explaining my situation over and over again to the community, defending myself every single day that summer. A few months ago, it clicked. I really don't have anything to justify. I actually know that now. There is just way too much that happened. I can't even forget the look on the faces of the one or two people that actually know the truth. "you went through WHAT?". There wasn't just one thing. There were TONS of things that I endured. And it's true. I don't have anything to justify. But I do have a lot to move past. And I do need to move on. For my sake, for my children's sake, but most of all, for the sake of that scared girl in her 20's who couldn't face the world but held on and endured, hoping that one day she would have the courage start over.