I mentioned a couple of days ago that Eid was coming up this Friday. Eid marks the end of Ramadan and its festivities are equivalent to Christmas for Muslims. I've taken Thursday and Friday off this week to celebrate with my family, as this Eid is a very significant one for me, because its my first Eid on my own with the children. I wanted everything to be great. I wanted to have a good time for the children. I wanted to be a good mother. But to be honest, as the day gets closer and closer, I'm starting to dread it more and more.
There are two things that are bothering me. One is the co-ordination with the children and my ex, and the other is meeting with extended family and friends and having to face the overbearing judgment of an incredibly nosy and unforgiving community. To be honest, I'm not sure which is worse.
I'm trying to be the best mother I can be. I'm trying to be fair to my children. I do not want to go to my grave one day knowing that I played mind games with them or hurt their relationship with their father in any way. I cannot and will not be responsible for that. The problem is, my intense desire to avoid any and all situations that can potentially cause me guilt also ends up making me a massive sucker, and I feel like I get pushed around way too much. The question is, how do you learn the difference between having a backbone, and going overboard? Its a very fine line.
Case and point-naturally, my ex wants to see the children for Eid. And even though Eid falls on a day that is technically mine (a weekday), I wouldn't dream of keeping them from him or his family. I actually gave him the choice- afternoon or evening. Since his family was having a family lunch, I requested that my family meet for a family dinner. That way, the children would get to spend the morning with their dad's family, and the evening with mine. I will get the children back at 3pm. I think that was fair, and reasonable.
Well, as it turns out, apparently, I'm not reasonable enough. You see, my children are enrolled in hockey. And while its a great sport, its also a big commitment for me and my ex. They play on Monday nights, Saturday mornings (practice) and again on Sunday morning. This week, because of Halloween, they missed the Monday game, and because of my daughter's upcoming birthday party, they will miss the Sunday game. So I get this email from my ex DEMANDING that I ensure that the children go to bed early (like 7pm) on Friday night so he can take them to hockey on Saturday morning. OK- Unless I'm missing something, he's nuts. I told him that it was unreasonable, that he would have the children all morning, and that my parents dinner party started at 6pm. He actually had the nerve to email me and tell me that I'm an irresponsible mother, and that hockey was more important than yet another evening with my family. Apparently, the children see enough of my family as it is, so seeing them yet again, religious holiday or not is an example of me going overboard and not respecting my responsibilities to their scheduled activities.
I'm not trying to air all my dirty laundry here, but honestly, I have enough guilt in my life, and enough hassle. I really don't need any more. I don't need to be told that I'm a bad mother, or that I'm selfish. I don't need to be told that I don't care about the children, or that I can't prioritize. I think its more than reasonable to think that its ok for the kids to miss a game on what is the equivalent of Christmas weekend. Yet, I'm somehow made to feel like crap. And it didn't end there. I got a ton of harassing emails today. My girlfriend at the office (awesome friend!), actually asked me what was wrong, and when I told her, she advised me to stop reading his emails and ignore him. "He's crazy, you're not- ignore him"...And she's right. But, this is a very delicate balance for me. I'm just adjusting to my new life, and I can't have these intrusions and arguments. I'm the person who gets physically ill from any form of conflict, and that would explain the intense pain I'm having today from this ulcer. Its acting up like never before.
Aside from all that, I am dreading seeing my aunt. Every time I see her (and I do avoid seeing her), she gives me this lecture about what a selfish horrible mother I am, and how I've ruined my children's lives by wrecking the home and walking out on my ex. Well, it wasn't quite like that. I'm not about to divulge the details of why I left, but rest assured, it was not a small thing. Use your imagination, people, I'm sure you can figure some of it out- the guy was after all, bipolar. But, given that I have two children, and I truly don't want them to grow up hating their dad, I avoid talking about our personal issues, not to protect him, but to protect the children. As a result, I have to deal with comments like "we dream of guys like that for our daughters and you had one and walked away- maybe you're too demanding, maybe you have your priorities messed up, maybe this high Western divorce culture has gone to your head". Yeah right lady. This is a total cakewalk. I did this because its the easy way out. This is exactly the life I wanted. Take a hike - and leave me the hell alone. I love my immediate family. Its THEIR family that I cannot stand.
So, here I am. Waiting for Friday to come and go. Wondering how to avoid my aunt and her stupid comments. Wondering how I can avoid yet another argument with my ex where he takes a sledgehammer to my self esteem. I'm tired today, and a little fed up. I'm sorry if my tone is not that upbeat, but I'm really really tired of all this. Sometimes, I wish I could build a little hut somewhere away from everyone else and just start over. This new home was supposed to be my hut away from everyone, and then my ex found out where I was living and rented a place a minute walk from here. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said a minute. And yes, I said walk. Total stalker.
Anyhow, I know I'll survive this. I've come this far. I know I'll get through, after all, I can always wear earplugs around my aunt and pretend that I fell off the face of the earth when my ex emails (although...A walk by my home, and he'd know better)....But anyhow, there are ways to get by. This is one of them. I used to keep everything bottled up and act like it was ok. I've now recognized that I cannot do that. It just makes me ill, and hurts my health. I need to get this stuff out of my system, or I'll end up losing it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like calling a vendor a "bad, bad vendor". Yes I did that. No I'm not proud of it. By I got through thanks to some great friends who tried to downplay my errors and mistakes.
OK- I'm going to get through this, as always. My rant is over. Man- my kingdom for an isolated hut! :-)
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